Since I was asked by so many of you to continue, I've decided to incorporate a storyline I've never been able to fit anywhere else. Much of the credit goes to SassyLostie for assuring me that it was a good idea and for helping me brainstorm.
And for those of you who are interested, I'm halfway through writing the next chapter of "Going Back", so you should have that sometime in the next twenty four hours...;)
Chapter 2.
Surrounded by tools he'd used to save more lives than he could keep tally of, it was easy for Jack to forget where they were and what was at stake.
But lying in his tent with Kate that night, seeing the tiny smile that played at the corners of her lips as she dreamt, he found it harder to shut out the voice that insisted he'd made a mistake when he promised her that it would all be okay; that all he'd done in saying those words was give her false hope.
He wanted to believe that he could save her, but almost six months had passed and they were still no closer to rescue. She would be dead in less than half that – her and the baby they both wanted more than anything – unless he could find a way to keep that from happening…
When the thought crept into his mind in the early hours of the morning, he almost couldn't bring himself to entertain it, his guilt increasing as she sighed and reached for him in her sleep, her fingers tangling in the fabric of his shirt. By giving herself over to him, allowing herself to contemplate a future together, she was putting her trust in him, and here he was about to betray that.
He knew he couldn't face her while he was still so conflicted, so he waited for her hand to go lax, kissing her temple and slipping out of the tent before he had to see how content she looked when she woke up.
He was going to go for a run along the beach to clear his head, but without any conscious decision to do so, he found himself knocking on the frame of a tent at the edge of the campsite, shifting his weight as he waited its occupant to emerge.
"Jack?" Juliet asked, her voice sleepy and disoriented when she poked her head out, squinting at him in the early morning light. "Is everything okay?"
She woke fully when she registered his expression, pushing the hair back from her eyes as she stumbled out onto the beach. "Is Kate…?"
"She's fine," he assured her when she started to move in the direction of his tent, not sure where to begin now that she was standing in front of him. He decided that his best bet was just to plough straight ahead. "I actually had a question I wanted to ask you."
"Sure – ask away," she told him with an encouraging smile, and for a moment, he was tempted to make something up; something about diet or exercise or coping with morning sickness; anything to make him feel less disgusted with himself.
But that wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't take away the fear.
He shifted again, forcing himself to meet her eyes as he said, "You've been on this island three years, and none of your patients made it past the second trimester – you must've come up with a safe method for helping them—" he swallowed hard, choking on the next word "—terminate their pregnancies if they decided not to go ahead with them…"
Juliet looked taken aback, thrown by this question, and Jack couldn't blame her; last she'd heard he and Kate were both scared but determined.
"Just so we're clear, what you're asking is, have I ever performed an abortion on a woman on this island?" she checked, her piercing blue gaze boring into his, and Jack thought he caught a hint of disapproval in her tone.
Licking his lips, he gave her a slight nod, to let her know that this was exactly what he was asking.
"Ben would kill me if he knew, but yes," she agreed, wrapping her arms around herself defensively. "Some of the women asked me, and as their doctor, I had to respect their wishes."
"Were they surgical?" he asked, afraid that he'd come up against another dead end. He'd tried and failed enough times to know that even the risks involved in minor surgery were magnified in a place like this. There were so many things that could go wrong, so many ways he could still end up losing her: she could bleed out or contract a life-threatening infection and it would all be for nothing.
He relaxed when Juliet shook her head. "No, I used a synthetic steroid compound – mifepristone. You'd know it as the abortion pill," she explained. "It takes longer, but it's less dangerous for the mother." She flashed him an ironic smile. "It's also easier to pass off as a miscarriage."
"And they were okay?" he pressed, ignoring her attempt at humour. "None of them had any complications?"
"None that I know of. What's this about, Jack?" she asked, narrowing her eyes in suspicion, answering her own question when she added, "Does Kate know you're here?"
"No," he agreed, overcome by a fresh wave of shame for suggesting something so unthinkable. "She doesn't."
"Shouldn't you be having this conversation with her?" she reminded him, looking uncomfortable about getting involved in something that was obviously between him and Kate.
"I can't," he confessed, his stomach twisting into painful knots, struggling to keep an objective distance now that they were no longer speaking in empirical terms. "She's happy – I've never seen her this happy."
"And you're not?" Juliet supplied, more gently this time, leading him away from the campsite, her serious look free of any outward sign of judgement, and he was grateful to her for not making him feel worse than he already did.
"I know you agreed to help us, but can you honestly tell me that she won't end up like the others?" he asked her, willing her to give him a reason to change his mind. "That she'll survive this?"
She looked sad as she answered, "You know I can't, Jack."
"Then no," he agreed. "How could I be?"
Juliet stared out to sea for a moment, waging a silent battle with herself, and then to his surprise, she nodded. "I can get you the pills, but I want you to promise me that whatever she does with them, it'll be her choice. You can't make her do this, and you can't do this to her."
Kate could be so stubborn when she thought she was right; the thought of mixing them in with her food was tempting, but he knew that Juliet was right. He couldn't do that to her.
"I just hope you know what you're doing, Jack," Juliet said once he'd convinced her that he wouldn't make her regret it. "If she thinks you aren't willing to support her, you could lose her too."
After everything he'd gone through to call Kate his, this should have bothered him more than it did. "I'm going to lose her anyway," he agreed, but at least this way, he could take comfort in that fact that she was alive.
The sun had risen by the time Juliet returned from the medical station, pressing a couple of packets into his hands with a watery smile.
Kate still hadn't left the tent; steeling himself with a deep breath, Jack ducked under the flap, his heart constricting painfully when she greeted him with a sleepy "Hey," and an enthusiastic kiss.
"Come back to bed," she teased him, tugging playfully on his arm, but he was afraid that if he didn't do it then, he'd loose his nerve, and never be able to find it again.
"I want you take this," he told her seriously, holding out his hand.
"What is it?" she asked, sitting up, her brow furrowing as she picked it up to study it. "Some kind of prenatal vitamin?" She flashed him a bright smile that almost stopped him in his tracks. Everything he'd ever wanted was right there in front of him, and he was about to throw it all away because he couldn't take that leap of faith and believe that it would all be okay.
"It's for the baby," he agreed, but when he couldn't bring himself to look at her, she seemed to realise that there was something wrong; something that he wasn't telling her.
"What's it going to do?" she asked, looking wary as she set it down again. "Jack?"
"You just have to trust me, okay?" he told her, swallowing against the lump in his throat as he tried to think of a way to explain. "You know I would never do anything to hurt you."
He was trying to reassure her, but this only seemed to frighten her more. "What's it going to do to it, Jack?" she insisted, a shrill note creeping into her tone.
She took one look at his tortured expression, and hers crumpled. "Oh, God… You can't be serious," she whispered, shaking her head, her hand coming up to cover her mouth, recoiling when he reached out for her. "You said you'd never let anything to me or our baby and now you want me to help you kill it?"
"That's not what this is, Kate," he insisted, struggling not to break down before he finished making his point. "I'm trying to save your life. I know this isn't what you want – it isn't what I want either – but I need you to do this." He uncurled his hand, begging her to take it this time and put him out of his misery. "Please, Kate. For me."
She watched him through her tears, nodding slowly, as if in a trance, lifting it out of his palm. "So I just take it, and that's it?" she asked, her voice shaky and dull as she tried not to cry.
"The whole process takes a couple of days from start to finish," he agreed, shutting out the subtext and forcing himself to focus on the facts. "I'll give you another pill in about forty-eight hours to make the… final stage… easier for you."
He was trying to make it easier for both of them; less emotional; but he only succeeded in upsetting her. "You can say it, Jack – the miscarriage," she retorted waving the pill at him, the word making him cringe. "That's what this is for, right?"
"Kate…" he said, searching for the right words to comfort her, to justify it in a way that would make sense to both of them, but she cut him off before he could figure out what they were.
"Let's just get it over with, okay?"
He turned away as she popped it into her mouth, counting to three to give her time to swallow before he uncapped his water bottle and handed it to her. She took a measured sip, barely enough to wash it down, pressing it back into his hands, and for a brief moment, he wondered if it had all been too easy.
"You okay?" he asked her when she settled back against the pillows, rolling onto her side to face the wall of the tent.
"What do you think?"
It hurt to hear the accusation in her tone, and know that he deserved it, but it wasn't like he hadn't prepared himself for it. "I know it doesn't seem like it now, Kate, but it'll get better," he told her, tentatively stroking her hair. "It happened for you once – it'll happen again, one day when the timing isn't so lousy." But he didn't dare suggest that it would be with him.
"Don't," she murmured, stiffening under his touch. "I'm not a child, Jack – I don't need to be lied to."
"You're right, we don't have to talk," he agreed, withdrawing his hand as he settled himself more comfortably at her bedside, "We can just sit here," his heart breaking a little more when she insisted, "Actually, I think I'd rather be alone right now."
"If that's what you really want," he told her, deciding that the worst thing he could do for their relationship at that moment was try to force her to be okay with it – and him – before she was ready. "You just try to get some rest, and let me know if you need anything," he added as he moved to leave the tent, disappointed when she wouldn't even acknowledge him. "I'll send Juliet to check on you in a little while."
The next chapter (if you want it) will be from Kate's perspective as she asks Juliet to do her another favour...;)