Disclaimer-I own nothing, I often dream of owning Jason, but I always seem to wake up...Damn...

Hey Jack It's a fact they're talkin' in town
I turn my back and you're messin' around
I'm not really jealous don't like lookin' like a clown

I think of you ev'ry night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you
-I Hate Myself For Loving You by Joan Jett-

"Do you know how hard it is to love someone you can't have?"

Nevaeh looked up at me, she smiled. "No, loves not exactly my thing..."

I grinned and ran my finger around the rim of my glass. "It sucks, in the worst way possible..."

"I'm sorry...I really wish I could help...but I can't unless you tell me who it is..."

I smiled at her. "You wish I was that stupid...I don't need your help, just someone to rant to."

"Well, it was worth a shot...I just wish you would trust me, we've been best friends for a long time..."

"I do trust you, but there are a lot of things about me you don't know..."

Nevaeh scoffed. "Please honey, I was there when Coraline was teaching you still. I knew you when you were still sharing a freezer with her..."

I shook my head. I had never slept in the same freezer as Coraline...Because Coraline wasn't my sire...

Josef was. After he turned me, he regretted it immediately, Coraline told him she would take the blame for the turning of a seventeen year old girl.

That's one of the reasons Josef is so bitter to me, he feels guilty over what he did. I guess I really can't blame him.

I was after all, a good Catholic, high school girl, who made the mistake of going to a bar with her friends. I just didn't know the guy I was...as my friends put it...hooking up with...was a vampire. The sex was amazing, don't get me wrong, it was the morning after that sucked ass.

I was pulled from my world of light and thrust into the eternal darkness of vampires. I lied when I told Beth I had accepted what I was, I still hate myself and what I am.

I can't help but blame Josef for it.

Hence why we're not together anymore. We were secretly together for a while, I was...am...in love with him...But he came across a journal entry of mine, where I blamed him for my self hatred. He told me to leave. So I did...I left the country.

Of course, I would never admit this to anyone. Mick doesn't even know, he thinks whole-heartily that Coraline took my life. She did help with my 'training' she wasn't the actual sire.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

I looked up and met Nevaeh's eyes. "I'm positive...God...stop acting like I'm glass or something..."

She shook her head. "Not glass...just fragile...you always have been."

I rolled my eyes and downed the remainder of my glass. "I'm only fragile because that's the way people treat me."

That was one of the things I always loved about Josef, he didn't treat me like a little girl, he knew I could handle myself...my friends didn't seem to believe that. They still have the image of me as a fledgling.

Scared, sad, and...of course, fragile.

"You know, I remember when you were nice...what the hell happened?"

He happened. "I grew up."

"I'm old, and I'm still nice."

I laughed. "No, you're worse than me, at least I'm open about my bitchiness. You on the other hand are sneaky about it."

She smiled. "Not sneaky, just...oh what the hell, yea, I'm sneaky."

I laughed again. "Addmitence is the first step to recovery."

"I've been this way for over 150 years, I don't plan on 'recovering' anytime soon."

It was those kind of comments that remind me how young I am compared to my friends. Fifty is still considered a baby, I knew that, they reminded me constantly.

"Josef told me you guys had a nice little chat the other day."

I looked up and saw Zara walking into the room with a smile on her face. "He said you're still the bitter spoiled brat that you always were."

I scoffed. "You really need to find better friends that Josef Konstantin, out of all the men in LA you choose him to fuck?"

Zara shrugged. "What can I say, I go for the best."

"Why is it that our conversations always go back to sex?"

Me and Zara looked at Nevaeh. I smirked. "Because we're horny all the time..."

"No, it's just a favorite topic of mine." Zara said with a smirk.

Nevaeh glared at her. "Whore."

I laughed. "Yes, because you have so much room to talk." I stood up and headed to the door, I grabbed my coat and gave the two girls a smile.

"Where are you going?"

"I honestly have no clue, but all this talk about sex has me needing some air."

They laughed. Zara smiled. "Poor little Mary..."

"Miel désolé, I haven't been a virgin in 33 years." I stepped out into the dim hallway, and took a deep breath. The smells of the humans in the apartments around me made me suddenly nostalgic for my old life.

I shook my head and walked toward the stairs, I need to stop living in the past.