Author's note - You all humble me with each read, review, mark as favorite, and/or alert. Thank you!!
Disclaimer: Many thanks to JK Rowling for her wonderful works. They are hers and hers alone. I have only borrowed her characters for a while and built my own little fantasy around them. There is no pay involved for me in doing it.
Chapter 10By the end of the week, Hermione found herself unable to reach Ron, as he wouldn't talk to her, or stay in the same room when she appeared. She also felt the enormous strain on her friendship with Snoop. The two had met for lunch on Monday and Wednesday, but neither had been able to relax or open up to each other fully. Neither wanted to betray Ron by broaching the subject, but neither could get it off their mind.
Hermione's work even suffered. She had snapped at the children repeatedly, and been taken to task by her boss for it. She couldn't even come up with a good excuse, as 'I'm having a fight with my best friend' just didn't seem like an acceptable adult explanation. By Friday night, she was more than ready for the party at Draco and Blaise's apartment.
She and Draco had not seen each other again since the previous weekend, but they had talked a lot. She appreciated his desire to give her space, but thrilled at his inability to have no contact. Their time on the phone gave them each a chance to really get to know the other and put to rest issues of the past, without the attraction they each felt getting in the way. It was almost as if the phone gave them carte blanche to be more open and honest with each other. The pain he had caused, the person he had been, and some of the self-righteousness she had thrown and anger she had held, had finally come out. Without being physically together, their newfound friendship and budding relationship, was better cemented.
As the class in front of her scribbled their way through their end of the week tests, she recalled her talk with Draco the night before.
"I understand that, but why can't you just tell me?"
"Mi, I don't…"
"Listen, if we're going to keep this up, we need to get that behind us, too. After everything else we've talked about you know I won't hold it against you. I got over that Parkinson thing, didn't I?"
He laughed nervously into the phone, "Yeah, and you do believe me about her, right?"
Hermione nodded, "Yes, for the thousandth time. Now, back to what we were talking about."
He closed his eyes and said, "Yeah, I know, it's just…look, I just…it's not something I'm proud of, you know."
Hermione sighed, "Draco…"
"Okay, okay. But, you have to promise to let me finish. Let me get it all out before you say anything, okay?"
Her stomach knotted at what she might hear, but she knew this last step had to be taken before they could honestly move forward any more.
"I promise. Tell me," she said softly.
He was quiet for a moment, but then he let it pour out.
"I didn't hate it," he confessed. "I mean, not at first. A childhood of suffering, beatings, and…well worse. And, then, with just one action, albeit a horrendous, unforgivable one, I could earn their approval, respect, and maybe even a little love, finally. Honestly, I never thought of Dumbledore as a person until that year. I mean, he was the headmaster, but in my house he was a nutcase, muggle lover, who hated the fact that he even had to have us Slytherins in his school."
He heard her draw in a breath, but smiled a little when she kept her promise and remained silent. He wondered where she was in her apartment and got up to go look out the window, so he that could see her place. It made him feel less disconnected when he saw her lights.
"At first, it wasn't real to me, so planning was easy. I mean, it was all kind of theoretical, you know? I had the power; I was in control. But, when it started actually happening, it was like I couldn't control it anymore. I didn't know how to continue and I didn't know how to stop. My family was on the line and that was, I don't know the right words, but…huge. But, at the same time, so were my pride and self worth, I guess. Then I was faced with the final moments. And, all of a sudden he was a person. He was real. And, this man I was supposed to hate, to…to k…kill, looked at me like I could be more. Even with my wand in his face, he just didn't react like I expected. He didn't hate me. He didn't believe I could do it, but it wasn't because I was weak or evil. He believed I could be better. He believed I could change. And, for a brief minute, I thought he could be right. I wouldn't be the evil being you guys thought I was. I wouldn't be the puppet anymore. I would be…and there's the rub. What would I be if I failed? Nothing. I would lose everything I had and everything I knew. But, I looked him in the eye and knew…I couldn't do it. I was what my father had always claimed me to be, a failure."
He heard her sniffle and thought he should stop. He didn't want her to hurt for him. He had come to grips with his actions, his life, his choices, long ago. But, he didn't know if he could handle her pity or worse, her renewed fear, mistrust and even hatred of him.
He nodded when she blew out a breath and whispered, "Go on."
"Well, then Professor Snape showed up and before I could think more on it, it was over and we were running. Did you know I saw you that night? I did and I could feel your pain and horror, and it spurred me to keep running. You, Potter, Weasley, all those others, were fighting, possibly to the death, because…because of me. I tripped over bodies as I ran and all I could think was that I had caused it all."
He took a minute to pull himself together before he continued with a little laugh, "And, I know you're biting your lip right now to keep from correcting me, so I will say it for you, I know now, it wasn't my fault; it was The Dar…Voldemort's."
He heard her shaky laugh of agreement and kept going, "But, much of what happened that night, hell, that whole year, was my fault. By then I was so lost, Mi. And, I didn't know how to change it all. I knew The Order would have taken me in, but that, too, was failure. Cowardice. I just couldn't do it. Because as much as I hated what I was involved in and how far I had gotten with it all, I was that cowardly failure. I was too afraid to take a chance on change. I hated everything my life had become, but I was a lot more scared of trying something else. There were so many what ifs. What if my family was tortured and killed for my disloyalty? What if The Order wouldn't take me? What if I got others killed…again? I just couldn't find it in me to make a decision, so I didn't. I did nothing. I acted and pretended and let it all happen around me.
"Then, it was over. Potter had won. My family was alive. And, I was still the same coward, but now on the losing side. That day you all flocked around him and hugged and consoled each other. It was then, while I sat between my parents and saw the devastation all around us, that I realized, maybe for the first time, that I was alone. We had lost people, too, people I had known all my life. But, in that moment, I couldn't think of one of them. And, I knew none of those that lived cared that we had made it. It was so hard to believe. I had spent my entire life being, well me, and that person had lost everything and I didn't know who he was. I just knew I didn't want to be him. That's why I arranged a meeting with Potter and the Ministry a few weeks later."
He heard her sharp intake of breath. "You didn't know?" he asked.
"No, Harry never said," she answered.
"Well, yeah. I couldn't live with all of that pent up any more. My parents still wanted to act as if we were better, smarter. They wanted revenge for their loss of belief and change of lifestyle. They started calling old friends and checking to see where people stood. It was ridiculous! I couldn't believe it. And, I knew I didn't want any part of it. The day the aurors showed up to arrest them was the happiest day I had had in longer than I remembered. I could finally get it. My forgiveness. My change. Maybe the hurt, the self-pity, the feeling of loss could finally start to go away. I just wanted to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself all the time."
He paused again to reign in his anger and hurt, "So, I asked for him. He didn't have to see me. But, he came. He gave me a chance to talk. And, he wasn't nice, he wasn't forgiving. He was pissed off, hurt, angry, and ruthless. But, he was real, there was no more acting for either of us. Everything he threw at me was real, and I deserved it. I told him, and the rest of them, everything I could remember, any detail that came to mind. And, I was saving my ass that day. I wasn't being noble. I hadn't actually switched sides. I didn't have a side. I just needed to get free of it. Of everything. Over the next few months, I sat in my cell and all I could do was think and remember. Blaise was my only visitor. My only real friend as always. He believed in me still; that I could and had changed from the boy of only a year prior. He said it so much that I actually started believing it. Then, they let me out. I had no where to go, no one left. My parents had been freed, but I knew I would never go back there. So, I went to Blaise.
"He saved me." Then he laughed ruefully, "You know, I owe two people for my sanity and my life: one, my best friend, and the other, a man who until last week, I honestly believed lived to see me suffer. He listened and heard me through his anger. And, he kept his word about never telling anyone. I honestly never believed he would. I mean, you three were inseparable. It was like you shared a brain sometimes."
Hermione's soft laugh relaxed him, "I don't know that Potter and I will ever be friends, but I know he is no longer my enemy."
He stopped and heard her sigh. He waited for her to speak. Silence. He laughed, "You can talk now. I'm done."
"Of course Dumbledore believed in you! He wouldn't have had Slytherins in the school if he didn't believe they were of worth. And, you are not coward! At least not any more. And, you surely are no failure. You changed your life. You made it better. That took bravery and risk, Draco. And, yes, it was Voldemort's fault, not yours. All of it! The Order…" he laughed as she ran out of breath, but he didn't miss the rest of her pent up speech. "… would have taken you in, protected you. It would have been hard, but they would have done it. If only….well, never mind that. I'm glad Blaise and Harry were there for you, each in their own way. And, I hope you and Harry can be real friends someday, and maybe even Ron, too. Maybe."
She took a longer breath and finished, "Draco, you were an ass back then, no question. You hurt people…you hurt me. And, there are some things you can't change or take back, no matter how much you might want to. But, you could move forward and make different, better choices, become a better person. And, you did and you did it for you. That's amazing. I don't know if you understand how much. And, as hard as it maybe for you to believe, as much as it still shocks me sometimes, I do forgive you. And, I like the you, you've become. I now know you better and, I think, understand you better. Thank you, Draco. Thank you for letting me in."
"Boy, were you holding a lot in," he laughed. Then more quietly he said, "Thank you."
Neither spoke for a moment as both felt a bit drained. He had spent the week trying to make her understand his life, who he used to be, and why he was who he was now. And, she had shared more of herself with him, some of what she had been through, her fears, her pains. They had listened, accepted, and forgiven. They were tired, but felt closer than before; like they could now move on to wherever their mutual attraction led. And, although neither knew what to say, they also were unwilling to let the conversation end there.
Hermione went to her window and looked over at his building. She almost believed she could see him standing there looking back at her. It hurt her to think he would dwell on things and beat himself up with recriminations, so she tried to change the subject, "Okay, so new topic…"
"New topic?" he laughed lightly. "Trying to help me feel better?"
"No idea what you are talking about!" she answered with a light laugh. "But, since you do have a birthday party to think about, I thought it would be more fun to talk about the future than the past. So, what do I have to look forward to at a Zabini/Malfoy celebration?"
The school bell sounded and interrupted her thoughts signaling the end of a very stressful week for everyone in the room. The children's cheers and laughs as they ran from class to begin their weekend, worked its magic on Hermione, and she found herself smiling and humming as she straightened the room. As an assistant teacher, she was always the last one out, so with one last look at the now clean classroom, she grabbed her bag and flooed home to get ready for the party and put the finishing touches on his gift.
"Janet, Becky, Kim, Bridgette, Lisa, Lissa, Lee, Tala, Amanda…"
Draco checked the levels of the liquor bottles and raised an eyebrow at Blaise as he laughed, "Wait, wait, wait. Whose birthday is this? Is there anyone coming that I know?"
"Well, you've got Mione, Beth, and the guys from your Quidditch team," Blaise smiled as he flicked his wand to clean the floors. "I needed some people for me."
Draco laughed, "Right." Then he stopped and looked over at his friend, "B?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you say Janet, Kim and Tala are all coming?"
Blaise grinned a devilishly, "Yeah, should be interesting, huh?"
"Okay, buddy. But, um, what about Beth?"
"What about her?"
"Well, you two have been talking a lot."
Blaise stopped pulling food from the fridge and looked at Draco, "So? She's easy to talk to."
"Look, B, I'm not trying to piss you off or anything, but you do realize that Beth isn't like the others, right?"
Blaise cocked his head to the side, not fully understanding what Draco was going on about, "I know that D. She's just a friend, like Mione. It's kind of nice having more than just you to talk to, you know!"
"Yeah. Sure. Okay, just be careful."
Blaise was completely confused, "Huh?"
Draco decided to let it go. He wasn't Blaise's father or conscious. This was something Blaise was going to have to figure out for himself.
Draco laughed, "Just be careful with all those girls fighting over you in one place. I don't want my party ending in hexing and bloodshed."
"Oh!" Blaise laughed with him. "Gotcha."
Right before the first guests arrived, Blaise lowered the lights and Draco flicked his wand at the stereo to turn on some dance music. An hour later the loft was filled to capacity and the liquor flowed freely. Blaise had lowered the lights a bit more and people were crowded into three areas.
Draco sat with his arm on the back of the sofa and played with the ends of Hermione's hair as he and his Quidditch buddies, along with some of their girlfriends, told stories of their university days. Their tales ranged from hysterical to a bit raunchy to outright lies as they tried to one-up each other. The more drinks they had the more farfetched the stories became. Hermione laughed at their stories and enjoyed their attempts at embarrassing Draco. It amused her greatly to see him blush and stammer when they started in on a Quidditch groupie from their junior year that had stalked Draco around campus.
But, Hermione also noticed that Beth, who sat on the end of the sofa with them, was not fully engaged. She laughed with everyone else, but she had barely touched her second drink and her eyes rarely stayed within their circle. She wasn't looking at the group that had gathered around the bar doing shots, but rather at the dance area, where Blaise was working his way through the women at the party. When Hermione followed her friend's gaze it was to see Blaise doing a bit of dirty dancing with Tala. They seemed oblivious to the eyes that followed their every movement.
Blaise was having a great time. He had caught up with some of the guys he and Draco had hung with in school and had just enough alcohol to make the room a bit fuzzy. He tried to keep Draco's words of warning in his head and made sure to dance with each girl there, and not anyone more than twice in a row. But, as the previous song had ended and Tala had blown in his ear, he hadn't been able to resist one more with her. Then she had spun around and pushed her backside against him, while placing his hands on her hips. The swiveling gyrations that followed blocked out everything else for a while. Eventually, he did feel like someone was watching him, and he assumed correctly that it was another girl, but he wouldn't have been able to guess who if you had paid him a million galleons.
When the dance ended, Tala blew a kiss over her shoulder and moved off to dance with someone else. Blaise laughed happily and moved on to the delicious little red head he had gone out with for about a minute their sophomore year.
Tala finished her dance with a really cute Quidditch player friend of Draco's and got herself another drink. With a quick glance through the crowd she saw Hermione and Beth and made her way over to them.
"Hey ladies! Having fun?" she yelled above the noise as she leaned across the back of the sofa.
"Hey you," Hermione answered. Then she leaned in and told Draco she would be right back and took her friends' hands to lead them to a slightly quieter area.
Hermione then turned to her friends, "Look, I have let you two meddle in my life for forever. And, I am about to return the favor. You two need to talk."
Beth looked away, which let Hermione know her assumptions about Beth's feelings for Blaise were right. But, Tala simply looked confused.
"Why? About what?" she asked.
Hermione leaned in and gave them both a quick hug before she said between their heads, "Blaise."
She then left them to go back to Draco.
"Everything okay?" he asked when she plopped back down next to him.
"Yep, fine," she smiled up at him.
He took a minute to inhale her scent and nuzzle her ear before he asked, "So, when do I get to open my presents?"
Hermione almost groaned as his warm breath tickled her ear and neck, "Whenever you want to. It's your birthday.
"Now!" he laughed and got up to pull her off the couch.
Only a few minutes later they sat across from each other on his bed surrounded by the shredded trash that had been his wrapping paper. He had all four items, a book, a bottle of his favorite firewhiskey, a new set of Quidditch gloves and pads, and a new tie, spread out in front of him and kept thanking her. Hermione laughed when he picked up and put down the self-updating book of famous Quidditch players for the third time.
"So, you like that better than the Quidditch stuff?" she giggled and tossed a pad at him.
"I like them all. This is better than Christmas!" he laughed and leaned back against his headboard. "I should have more birthdays."
"I don't think so," she smiled. "On a teacher's salary, you'd be getting nothing but homemade pumpkin pasties by the third one."
"Like you don't have millions of galleons stored up somewhere," he teased. Hermione had been rewarded quite nicely by the Ministry, as had Harry and Ron, after The Fall for their part in taking down Voldemort.
She shrugged and blushed a little, "That's for the future. And, it's not the point. I'm living within my own planned budget."
"Nutty," he laughed. Then he sat up and reached across the bed for her, "But, as long as you're here, I really don't care."
With that he leaned in to kiss her. The party raged outside the closed door, but neither thought of it as they fell slowly across the bed. Draco swept his hand out to move the gifts from under her and pushed her further into the mattress as he deepened the kiss. He loved the little sound she made in the back of her throat when their tongues met, and the way her hands fluttered on his back as she grabbed and released his shirt. It was if she wasn't quite sure where to put them, but couldn't stop touching him. When he moved his lips down to her neck and traced a line slowly back up to her ear with his tongue, her moan became a groan, her hands slid up to move through his hair, and a gasp escaped her lips. The blood left his head and rushed down his body when she innocently rubbed her chest against his.
Hermione felt like a live wire. Every sense seemed heightened and she wanted to let herself drown in his scent, taste, and touch. When his hand skimmed down her side and slowly inched upwards, it was all she could do to not hold her breath. It wasn't as if it was her first time kissing a man, but she had never been kissed so thoroughly. Draco kissed with his whole body, as if every part of their bodies needed to touch and he couldn't get close enough. Her inexperience, slight fear, and curiosity all mingled as they fought for supremacy over the blood pounding in her ears and the intense feelings pooling in her body.
When his hand closed over her breast, she groaned and pushed herself closer to him. Their lips never ceased their exploration of each other, but she smiled a little to herself when she heard the sound of his deep throated groan of satisfaction. He had finally found out that she hadn't worn a bra that night.
Draco, upon realizing his good fortune, almost gave up his plan to take things slow.
One, we're at a party. Two, anyone could come in. Oh man that feels good. Where'd she learn to do that with her tongue? Who cares, it feels…mmm…I should lock the door and we can just….NO! Where was I? One party, two people coming in. Oh, honey, do that again. Was my neck always sensitive there? Damn, her boobs feel perfect. And, what is that perfume? Like apples. My new favorite fruit. Screw it, I'm locking the door and…no, Draco, she's a virgin, remember? Is this how her first time should be? Oh shit! Virgin. Virgin. Virgin.
"Virgin," he sighed out loud.
"WHAT?!" Hermione yelped and pulled back. "Oh god!"
He dropped his head to her shoulder and begged, "Damn, please tell me I didn't say that out loud."
Since he was on top of her, she couldn't get up even though she tried to push him off, "Yes, you did!"
He knew she would bolt from the room if he let her up, so he didn't move, but he did lift his head to look at her red face, "I'm so sorry, Mi."
"Get off of me," she said forcefully. When he rolled to the side she hopped up and started to leave the room.
"Wait, please," he asked as he grabbed her hand. She stopped but wouldn't look at him, "I didn't mean to say anything or embarrass you. Please look at me."
She shook her head and allowed her hair to hide her face. She didn't leave, because he still held her hand, but she couldn't talk for fear of crying in front of him.
"Mi, please? I really am sorry."
A tear escaped anyway as she took a breath to steady her voice and whispered, "Was I really that bad?"
"What?!"
"Nothing," she mumbled and tried to pull away again.
"Bad?!" he asked. "What the hell are you talking about?"
She risked a glance up at him and saw his look of incredulity, "Well, we were…and I thought it was…but then you…" She took a breath, glanced at him and then looked back down, "I thought things were going well, but was I so bad you could tell I'm a…vir…"
Draco started to laugh, but quickly realized she wasn't joking. "Are you kidding me?" he asked instead.
Her head shot up to look him in the eye, "Do I look like I am joking, Draco?"
He decided to go for shock value. He stood up, smiled softly at her, and put her hand to his crotch, "No, but does that feel like you were bad in any way?"
She pulled her hand away and her face reddened again as she turned her back to him, "Um, no, I um…okay. So why'd you say it? And, how did you figure it out?"
He slid his hands down her arms, pulled her back against him and leaned down to let his breath tickle her ear, "I said it to stop myself from enjoying you for the first time at a party with our hundred closest friends only a door away."
When he felt her shiver against him he smiled, "And, actually, Snoop and Beth kind of told me last week."
She whipped around, her eyes wide with disbelief, "WHAT?!"
"Calm down," he laughed. "Remember the fight with Ron in your living room?"
She nodded and he continued, "Well, it was kind of mentioned in the midst of all the yelling."
He watched her face as she remembered the fight and he knew just when she figured it out…
Ron – YOU'RE SCREWING HIM?!
Hermione – Ronald, I am not SCREWING ANYBODY!
Ginny – Hermione. Ron. The boys!
Snoop – Wait, you lost it to Draco Malfoy?! I was only gone a week, HG! How'd this happen?
Beth – No, Snoop she hasn't…
Her head hit his chest in mortification, "I don't believe this!"
"Look, it's okay, you know?"
She pushed away from him, "I know. I am not ashamed of it. It's just never been right before and I wanted it to be special the first time. But, it's not like I wanted to talk about it with you tonight, either."
"Well, then let's not," he suggested. "Let's consider it discussed, forget about it for now and go back to the party."
When she hesitated and still wouldn't completely meet his eye, he hauled her against him and smirked, "But first, it IS my birthday."
It was another ten minutes before they emerged from the room. Draco looked extremely pleased with himself, even though his pants felt three sizes too small. And, Hermione couldn't stop smiling and blushing.
She was most definitely convinced he wanted her.