Yeah – the next chapter already! I had the time today, and I really have had the basic plot of this humor-fic in my head for a while … Don't necessarily expect me to ever meet this speed record again, though!
Upon reviewing the one episode of the TV show with the Insecticons of which I have a copy (someday, I'll get around to buying the DVDs – at least of season one; maybe others…), I see that my memory of the Insecticons' speech patterns may have been faulty (although frankly, even Shrapnel's pattern changed within the episode (The Revenge of Bruticus), so it's not as though Sunbow was completely consistent about it). But – this is how I've thought of them speaking for many years, and it amuses me – so it's staying! There's another interpretation, at the end of this chapter, which varies from Sunbow – though not all official description of the character. If these writing choices - or my writing style in the previous chapter, as the wording choices were all deliberate - bother you – thanks for your time so far, but you may not want to spend any more of it on this piece. (I have remembered my final spell-checking this time, BTW.)
And sorry if some of this seems a little mean to some of the characters involved. It's all meant in good fun – I really do like these characters (well, most of them ;) ), and the Decepticons very well may get theirs, too, by the end. (Actually, I already know if they do or not; just trying to keep up the suspense.) Anyway, hope you all enjoy ….
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The Autobots proceeded outside, unaware of the corruption of their noble leader.
"So, we're here for …" "Optimus Prime" began.
"The demonstration fer Wheeljack's new invention," Ironhide said, eyeing his leader with a bit of a quizzical look.
"You mean, my new BRILLIANT invention!" Wheeljack exclaimed, waving his arm proudly at a metallic contraption positioned a short distance beyond the front entrance of the Ark. The device was squareish, with a lengthy arm on top of it. Sparkplug and Spike Witwicky were making some final adjustments with their wrenches.
"Yes, it looks … like a box. Box, b-" Optimus began to say, until Shrapnel remembered to pull his mouth away from the control console's microphone.
"Yes," Wheeljack said, " - a LAUNCH box! You put armaments, or – or even scrap metal – on the arm here," he continued excitedly, pointing, "and with one push of a button – POW!"
" 'Pow'?" "Optimus" asked.
"Sounds like a flyswatter, swatter, swatter," Bombshell remarked, back in the Insecticon base.
"It launches the object up inta the air!" Wheeljack concluded excitedly.
"Um … I think the humans already invented something like that, Wheeljack," Brawn remarked.
Wheeljack looked at him.
"They called it a catapult," Brawn continued. "About a thousand years ago."
"I didn't want to hurt his feelings," Sparkplug whispered to Spike.
"About what?" Spike asked.
"Um …" Wheeljack responded. "Yeah … but – mine throws stuff REALLY far!"
"Oh," Brawn replied.
"Anyway – ready to see, Optimus?" the Autobot mad MacGiver asked, bending to grab his invention's control box.
"Hang on, Wheeljack!" Trailbreaker interjected. "I haven't got my force field fully charged yet!"
"Your – But - I thought Optimus had you watching my work because you were interested!" Wheeljack cried.
"Yeah – interested in protectin' the Ark from your doo-dads!" Trailbreaker exclaimed. Several Autobots laughed.
"But – the launch box's not even facing the Ark!" Wheeljack protested.
"So? That probably makes it MORE likely you'll hit it!" Windcharger replied.
"Rrrrr!" Wheeljack grumbled, grasping his control box. "Nothing's gonna happen!" he cried, pushing the button. "See? Nothing's … gonna …" The launch box lay unmoving. "Happen. …Huh."
"Well, THAT was interesting," Bombshell, taking a turn at the controls, had Optimus say, as he instructed the Autobot commander to turn away from the demonstration.
"No, WAIT, mighty Optimus!" Wheeljack cried, fiddling with adjustments on his gadget. "Just … one astrosecond here …."
"Hm," Optimus was forced to say. "Spike! Get on top of it there."
"Me?" Spike asked enthusiastically. "Okay. Right here?" he asked, climbing onto the center of the launch box.
"A little more to the right," "Optimus" guided. "A little more … Yes … right … there!" Prime's foot "accidentally" stepped on the cast-aside control box – specifically, on the launch button.
"YIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Spike cried, as he was suddenly launched hundreds of feet into the air.
"Well, I guess it works," "Prime" said.
"Spike!" Ironhide exclaimed.
"Not again!" Wheeljack lamented.
"What?" Sparkplug asked accusingly.
"Nothing," Wheeljack backpedaled sheepishly.
"Do not fear, my Autobots!" Optimus Prime was heard proclaiming. "I'll get him down!" His famed laser rifle in hand, the enraptured Autobot leader began shooting laser blasts at the still-flying boy.
"Prime!" Ironhide yelled. "WHUT are ya DOIN'?"
"Right. Bad idea," "Prime" said. "Windcharger! Trailbreaker! Go find the flesh creature!"
" 'Flesh creature?' " Windcharger repeated, looking at Trailbreaker.
"Err … PRECIOUS flesh creature?" Bombshell/Optimus amended.
"Well … THAT's kinda weird, too," Windcharger remarked, but he and Trailbreaker nevertheless transformed and drove after the departed Auto-ally.
"Now, my Autobots – let's return inside …" "Prime" began.
"And see what havoc we can cause in Autobot headquarters, quarters, quarters!" Shrapnel remarked to his Insecticon colleagues.
"Yeh," Ironhide said. "Then mebbe we kin git Hoist AND Ratchet ta take a lil' look at ya –"
"Ironhide," the controlled Prime said.
"Yeah, boss?" the security 'bot replied.
"I've always wondered just what your name meant," Bombshell/Optimus continued. "Let's find out!" The fist of Optimus Prime suddenly came crashing down on Ironhide's head.
"Oops!" Prime was forced to remark. "Must've slipped!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha!" the Insecticons laughed – careful to stay away from the command microphone.
"Yes!" a familiar hissing voice suddenly exclaimed from the doorway to the control chamber. "Your hand must've slipped … real far!" Starscream concluded, stepping fully into the control room.
"What's THAT supposed to mean, mean, mean?" Shrapnel asked, as the Insecticons stepped back from the controls in their surprise at the new arrival.
"It means, um – your hands slipped in taking control of Optimus Prime without permission! Yes!" Starscream proclaimed. Skywarp, Thundercracker, Ramjet, Dirge, and Thrust were now entering the room behind the Decepticon aerial commander, guns raised. "But now, that you're under proper supervision – we can control Optimus Prime!"
"Hold on, on, on!" Shrapnel protested. "This is our plan, plan, plan!"
"And MY cerebro shells which enabled us to – " Bombshell began to protest, until Skywarp grabbed him by the neck.
"Yeah – thanks!" Skywarp exclaimed. "Now WE'LL take over, see?"
"But – what about Megatron, Megatron, Megatron?" Kickback asked.
"Yeah," Thundercracker said, glancing at Starscream.
"I am in command here!" Starscream declared. "We don't need Megatron!"
As the Decepticon debate continued, the Autobots outside the Ark were busy pulling on Ironhide, who had been driven into the ground like a peg. And Optimus Prime, left idle by his enrapturers for a few moments, began to stir.
"My Autobots!" Prime cried, of his own volition. "Help –"
" - yourselves to some delicious rocks!" he was forced to conclude, as Starscream had quickly leapt to the control controls. The Autobots were pelted by a barrage of stones hurled by their commander.
"Leakin' lubricants!" Ironhide hollered, as the force of a flying rock knocked him the rest of the way free.
"OWW!" Wheeljack cried.
"Hey!" Topspin exclaimed.
"Yeow!" Bumblebee yelled.
"Mm – needs more salt," Brawn remarked, chewing.
"I think something's wrong with Optimus Prime!" Nightbeat declared.
"No kiddin'," Ironhide grumbled. "Some liquid nitrogen should cool you off!" he cried, running at his berserk leader. Starscream had Prime reply with a swift kick to Ironhide's face.
"Ha ha! Ha ha ha!" Starscream laughed. Several of his companions joined him. "And that's only the beginning, Optimus Prime! Next, we'll have you … um …." He paused for a few moments. "Uh – Skywarp! YOU have him do something!"
"Well, okay!" He walked over to the controls. "Optimus – stand on one foot!"
The Autobot leader stood on his left leg.
"Now – pat your head! And rub your grill, at the same time! While hopping!"
Optimus Prime complied.
"Wow, he really IS coordinated!" Skywarp remarked.
"Yeah!" Thundercracker agreed.
"What?" Ramjet asked. "I can do all that!" He tried, failed, and crashed into Dirge.
"Ugh," Dirge groaned.
"Wait, I have another idea!" Starscream exclaimed, shoving Skywarp aside.
Back at the Ark, the Autobots who were still conscious saw their leader … begin to punch himself in the face.
"Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" Starscream laughed, while actually commanding Optimus to do just the opposite. "Ha ha! With Optimus Prime in my power, I can do anything! Even … overthrow that obnoxious Megatron!"
"Oh really?" Megatron asked.
"Yes, really … just kidding, heh heh heh," Starscream amended, as he realized to whom he was speaking. "Who called him?" he asked. Thundercracker, Thrust, Shrapnel, Skywarp, and Kickback each looked away from his gaze, coughed, or otherwise behaved awkwardly. "Urg."
"And why should they NOT have called me, Starscream?" Megatron inquired, as he and Soundwave entered the increasingly crowded "secret" control room.
"Because – I was about to call you myself, Mighty Megatron!" Starscream exclaimed, stepping aside from the control console. "Look what I've done – I've ensorcelled Optimus Prime!"
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!" the Insecticons cried indignantly.
" 'Ensorcelled'?" Skywarp asked Thrust incredulously.
"Indeed," Megatron said, stepping to the control monitor. "And, with the leader of our arch-enemies under your power, the best thing you could think to have him do is … to hit himself in the face?"
"Well … yes."
"Foolish Starscream!" Megatron chuckled. "At long last, my eternal foe, you are under my power! Ha-ha ha-ha-ha!" he said to the monitor. "Now what shall I have you do?"
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Ten minutes later …
"Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" Megatron laughed, as Optimus Prime continued to pound his own face. "I must admit, Starscream – this is quite amusing!"
"Indeed!" Starscream agreed, as the Decepticons continued to laugh and/or chuckle at the monitor.
"Yes," Buzzsaw agreed in his deep, Darth Vader-esque voice, as he flew into the room. "But, by your leave, Mighty Megatron, I have an idea. Something which I have come across in my surveillance missions which might provide a more … artistic end to our foe!"
"Indeed, Buzzsaw?" Megatron asked. "Come." Buzzsaw flew onto Megatron's shoulder and summarized his plan.
"Excellent, Buzzsaw!" Megatron proclaimed. "Make your preparations! We shall proceed immediately – with the destruction of Optimus Prime! Whoity-whoity-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
To be continued!