Falling Tears

Chapter V

Afraid To Love

The first frost had settled outside, and the grass had been covered with a thick blanket of snow. Ice covered the ponds, and all the trees were only twigs and branches.

The lounge where Draco had fallen asleep, had grown bitterly cold overnight, and the burning flames had turned to ashes, leaving the scent of smoke lingering in the air.

Draco, still sitting in the chair he had occupied last night, shivered and shifted slightly in his sleep. His eyes were closed serenely, and his silky blonde hair had fallen over them.

At each exhale his chest heaved up and down, and every now and then his hand would twitch slightly.

He had finally been granted a dreamless sleep in which no worries, no reality, no sorrow haunts you. His face bore a calm appearance, but you could tell by the uneasiness of his breathing that many things were troubling him. When you're alone and feel like holding onto something, you can never hide from the feeling. It's always there until you find the cure.

It was relieving to finally be allowed to sleep, and it was soothing to Draco. However, his peaceful reverie of sleep was ended as he felt a firm, almost painful, grip of a hand on his shoulder. His eyes shot open as he gasped and jumped slightly in his seat. He looked behind him, "Get up." The figure snapped rudely. Draco quickly got to his feet.

"Father." He said weakly as a wave of fear swept through him, "What are you doing here?"

Lucius eyed his son emotionlessly then brought an object out from behind his back. Draco's eyes widened when he saw it.

"I found this in the dungeon early this morning." Lucius said coolly.

Draco swallowed worriedly; it was the candle he had brought when he went to see Hermione.

Lucius noticed his sons suddenly alarmed expression and glared, "What were you doing down there Draco?"

Draco looked up fearfully, his heart pounding in his ears, then looked down at his feet. His voice shook slightly, "I-I don't know…"

"What? I can't hear you Draco! Speak Up!" Lucius ordered, his voice was quickly rising.

"Nothing, Father. I wasn't doing anything." Draco answered as politely as he could.

Lucius threw the candle at his son, the silver holder hitting him in the chest.

Draco winced as he felt the impact but didn't move or scream, he could feel a bruise starting to form.

"Don't LIE TO ME DRACO!" Lucius shouted.

Draco looked up at his father, "Why?" he whispered slowly.

Lucius stepped forward, "What was that?"

Draco shook his head, tears forming in his eyes, "Why not lie to you? After all the times you've lied to me?"

Lucius quickly rushed forward and grabbed the collar of Draco's shirt, "You're only a boy." He hissed, "A boy with no right to disrespect his father in such a way."

Draco squeezed his eyes, "Father," he whispered uneasily, "Please…don't hurt me."

Lucius' eyes formed a harsh glare, "You're a coward Draco, and you've always been a coward. You couldn't even kill that Mudblood filth when I asked you to!"

Draco looked down at his feet and it reminded him of that time eight years ago, when his father was holding him the same way, and speaking harsh words to him. The words he had said flashed through Draco's mind, "Love is a weakness; those who feel it only feel pain. You will always lose the ones you love."

"Why do I have to kill her father?" he asked timidly then looked up into Lucius' cold eyes, "Why does it have to be me? Couldn't you just do it?"

Lucius looked down at his son in despise, "You have to be the one to do it; you have to prove that your not weak." Then he let go of Draco's shirt, giving him a slight shove as he did. "The Dark Lord wishes for your services. I disagreed at first because fifteen is such a young age, but then I soon realized that if you could only let go of all this cowardice you hold inside, you would be a good servant to his Lordship."

Draco's eyes widened in terror and he backed away slowly, "No…I…I won't join him."

Lucius' face contorted in rage, "You will join, I'm afraid you don't have a choice in the matter." He closed his eyes and calmed his breathing, ""I understand you're afraid, you always have been." Then he looked at Draco, his head raised high. "But you will conquer that! You will be great among those who are loyal."

Draco turned his face away from his fathers gaze, "I can't do it Father." Then he looked up into his father's hateful stare, "You know I can't."

Lucius shook his head, "Nonsense boy, of course you can. You are a Malfoy Draco."

Draco nodded, "I know but…" he paused and choked back a sob, "I just don't think I can become a killer father."

Lucius' eyes narrowed in anger, "You will kill that Mudblood Draco, and you will do it soon. Three days that's all you have."

Draco nodded reluctantly and sighed shakily, "I know, it's just…"

"It's just what?" Lucius interrupted. "Tell me Draco, how come you're always telling me how much you hate her, but are so against killing the filthy girl?"

Draco shook his head, "I don't know father." He paused trying to choose his words carefully, and fearing his father's anger, he replied slowly, "Well…there is a…difference between hating someone and actually…killing them." He trembled slightly, "I've always wanted to do it at school, but when I actually had the chance I…" his voice trailed off and Lucius looked at him fiercely.

"You're not telling me you pity her are you?" his voice lowered a bit, "You…don't love her do you?"

Draco's hear jumped, did he love her? The word love had become so foreign to him. He had already seen what love did when his father betrayed it. His mother loved him, but she never showed it. Never since that day when his father had, not only betrayed him, but also his own wife. Draco was afraid to love.

"I do not love her father." Came his shaky answer.

"You pity her then?" Lucius asked harshly.

Draco shrugged, "How can I not?"

"Pity is a weakness Draco." Lucius hissed.

Draco shook his head, "It's a weakness as well? Is everything I feel a weakness?"

Lucius glared, "Yes Draco. Because you are weak."

Draco's mouth parted slightly, "I am not weak father." He whispered. However, doubting his own words.

Lucius shook his head, "Get out of here Draco. Just get out."

Draco started to back away slowly and Lucius' eyes narrowed, "I SAID GET OUT. GET OUT OF HERE NOW!"

Draco flinched in fear then turned and quickly ran out of the room. He ran down the many halls and passageways of the Manor until he reached the front door. He pushed it open and stepped outside breathing heavily. A chilling wind greeted him along with the snow that stuck to the tears running down his pale face.

Then he continued to run, the snow crunching beneath his feet until his breath failed him, and he had to stop to catch it, while trembling against the cold.

He kicked up the snow violently with his shoe, cursing and screaming as he did. The words his father said still rang in his ears, 'You are Weak.'

Soon his exhaustion took hold and he collapsed down on his knees crying and holding himself as he shivered. The gentle silence did nothing to caress or soothe his pain, but gave him a stronger feeling of a lonely emptiness.

"What do I do?" he whimpered. He had no desire to join Voldemort, everything inside him was screaming against it. "I don't know what to do."

He buried his tear-stained face in his hands, his body trembled as he sobbed, "Why is this happening to me?" he wanted to help Hermione with every desire of his heart.

Something was missing in his life, something that not everyone can just achieve with ease.

He didn't have anyone's love, and no one had his love. He knew he was afraid. Afraid of many things, pain, rejection, humiliation, even his own bloody father, but, what he feared most was love.

Afraid to love, Afraid to accept anyone else's love. All it had ever brought him was pain. When he saw that bracelet on Hermione's wrist it was completely unbearable.

"Why are you still wearing it Mione?" Draco questioned, "Why did you keep your promise when I did not?" It bothered him that he didn't know, he wished he did, but the only possible reason was the one he hoped wasn't true. She loved him.

"Why would you love me? What have I ever done for you?" he whispered.

He lifted his face from his hands and looked up at the grey sky, the snow falling upon his lashes and golden hair. He sighed and whispered to the quiet emblem that only December brought, "I wish I could love you, I wish I could be strong and take you away from this place, it's just….I'm so afraid."

He closed his eyes, "I'm so afraid I'll get hurt again."

He shook his head, "I'm so afraid I'll hurt you again."