Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Much, much appreciated!! I've been trying to upload for an hour, but couldn't because of 'technical glitches'. 'Sigh'
CHAPTER FIVE
Finally letting Bill off to sleep, something Lindsay herself should be doing, she dropped the phone down and leaned back against her couch for a moment. Knowing a little more on the case both eased her mind and took it to another level of fear altogether. The situation out in Montana was spiraling down dangerously and Bill had promised to call her with an update tomorrow night.
When he shouldn't have to. Lindsay frowned. Neither Bill or Evan or anyone else should have to keep her apprised of the situation because she should be out there. Among the searchers. For her parents.
She sighed. It felt like an eternity since Mac had sent her home.
Checking her cell phone, Lindsay saw a missed call from Hawkes and a tiny smile curled her lips. He was probably really worried about her. Such a good friend. She sighed again when she noticed that there was nothing from Danny. Either he didn't get her little note or, a tiny lump rose in her throat, he just didn't care. She was about to change and head off to sleep, or attempt to anyway, when her cell phone rang, displaying that the person calling was the one she needed the most. Danny. A tiny relieved smile crossed her face. She needed him so much. She answered the phone with an alleviated exhale.
The smile fell from her face a second later the moment she heard the tone of his voice. Tired...and regretful? The conversation was brief, not even lasting a minute, but he had to see her right then and could he come over if it wasn't too late? There was no teasing lilt in his voice and apprehension rose. She agreed and Danny was at her apartment so fast that she half-suspected that he had been lurking on her apartment's front steps when he called her.
Lindsay opened the door, looking disheveled in her work clothes. He wondered if she'd just gotten home. "Hey." Danny couldn't even muster up a smile. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets, trying to stave off a chill running through his body.
"Hey." Her voice was soft and scratchy. "Come in. Haven't seen you for awhile...I was worried." Why did she feel so awkward?
"I'm fine." Liar.
He looked around her darkened apartment, still unfamiliar with the layout. Danny had only been there twice before. Glancing at her, Danny was reminded of the days just before Lindsay had left for Montana, for the trial. She looked haggard and distressed. "Are you alright there?"
Not even a kiss on the cheek hello. Exhaling heavily, Lindsay shut the door and checked the man in front of her over. "I think I should be asking you that question." He looked pale and worn-out. The man standing in front of her was not the same man who acted like a smart-ass and broke suspects down with quiet determination. His blue eyes had no spark. Laugh lines transformed themselves into fatigued creases. His proud native New York attitude replaced by the defeated slump of weary shoulders.
The two made no move to walk further into the apartment and the silence was heavy. How had things between them degraded so badly? To this. Standing in front of each other like virtual strangers. Wasn't it just a few weeks ago that she and Danny were sharing a bed, exchanging soft touches and passionate kisses, teasing whispers, and eyes filled with tender need? Both of them entering a world where nothing existed but them and the feelings each other's touch invoked in the other. Feelings of warmth, passion, caring. But now...now there was nothing but emptiness. The two of them were standing only a few feet across from each other, but it might as well have been a giant chasm between the two.
Momentarily, Danny thought about confessing some other time, seeing the pallid strain on Lindsay's face, but steeled himself. She had a right to know. Everything.
He did not want to do this.
Did not want to hurt her. See her cry.
Catching sight of her laptop, Danny licked his lips, somewhat nervously, trying to distill the strained atmosphere. "Catching up on news back home?"
Lindsay swiftly turned her head to cover her cringe at the word 'home' and closed her laptop cover. "Yeah, sort of." She steadied herself and glanced back at him. "So, what is it you wanted to talk about?"
Now it was Danny's turn to hide his face as he ducked his head.
Surveying his heavy stance, Lindsay could already feel her heart break. Bad news. Damn it. How much more could she take? "I can already tell it's not good. So...maybe you should just do it fast like a band-aid," she quipped lamely, struggling to put a light note in.
This was going to hurt more than that. "I slept with Rikka," Danny blurted out. Shit. Nice going, Messer. His eyes darted to her face, not wanting to see heartbreak on her face, but forcing himself to.
He watched as her eyes first went blank, with confusion, with disbelief. "Rikka?" she said faintly. Lindsay's face was frozen. For the second time in two days now, her heart smashed to pieces. Who knew it was possible to inflict so much pain with so little words?
His hands clenched into fists in his pockets, the chill spreading throughout, freezing his insides and he stood there. Now that he'd confessed, Danny was afraid. She looked so staggered It hurt him so much to tell her this. "Reuben's mom. Linds, it was - " He stopped his desperate tirade at a raised hand from her.
Still rooted to the floor and just like in Mac's office, Lindsay's mind shut down while her insides turned hollow. Surprisingly, her wide eyes remained dry for longer than she thought. Her earlier breakdown seemed to have cleared her out. Her voice, still a whisper, she asked, "When?"
Danny swallowed hard. "The night the case wrapped up." He didn't elaborate further and he didn't think she wanted him to anyway.
The tears started to come then. Lindsay could feel them rushing to the surface whilst her exhausted body protested. No more. I can't take this no more.
Lindsay raised an unconscious eyebrow and her eyes remained fixed on the door beside him, glassy with unshed tears. She nodded almost absently. "Oh." Her lip trembled and Lindsay took a deep quivering breath. "I guess..." licking her lips, "I guess I kn-know why now, y-you didn't want me at your apartment that next night, huh?" Why he was avoiding her. He'd moved on. Already. Her face crumpled and she bit her trembling lip, still unable to look at him. She sniffled. Stupid girl, you should have seen this coming. Stupid.
"No," Danny said strongly, wanting desperately to stride across the room and hold her. But her hurt-filled face was his penance. He couldn't have her, not now, not anymore. "No Linds, that's...that's not why I..." He raked a frustrated hand through his hair. "I was still struggling that night and you..." I didn't need you to be there. He didn't think she'd understand that in the way he meant.
Lindsay's abused lips were ignored in favor of clenching her jaw. She sniffled again. "Was she the one you were waiting for?" Never should have rushed things. Never should have gotten involved.
He couldn't lie to her. "Yes. But it was only to tell her that it was all a mistake," he rushed, his blue eyes imploring her to understand. "I was in pain and-and so was she. It was a mistake. I wasn't thinking straight, I just...I just wanted to forget the horror." Danny took a tentative step toward her and flinched as Lindsay automatically took a step back, bumping into her kitchen island and wrapping her arms around her. Keeping the distance between.
She nodded, but Danny knew that it was a mechanical move. She didn't really know what she was nodding to. "Did you sleep with her again?" The air was both suffocating and electrifying at the same time.
"What? No! No, Linds, please, I told you. I was hurting - "
Lindsay burst out with a slight hysterical edge, close to hyperventilating and choking on her tears. "Then you should have come to me! I tried to be there for you, but you wouldn't let me." Her voice broke. "I went to your apartment because I wanted to help. Anything I could've done to help you through this, I would've done it, anything, because I cared about you. God, Danny, I tried to show you...I tried...but you...you just shut me out!"
Despite the pain he was causing her along with the feeling of his insides crumbling in anguish, his temper flared. "Shut you out? Let's not forget how you did the exact same thing to me, Linds. I couldn't face you for a night. You left me hanging dry for months." Immediately, Danny regretted it. The pain; they didn't need to heap more pain on each other. They were already feeling too much.
Her face was incredulous. "Is that what this is about? I hurt you before and now it's your turn to hurt me? Is that it? I fully admit that I was an idiot for acting the way I did with you back then. Like a martyr or something. Do you want me to say I'm sorry for that? Because I am! All right? I'm sorry I hurt you before, I was selfish in not trusting you, I was an idiot. Is that what you want? What are we playing at here? A game of 'I hurt you, you hurt me'?"
Danny's hands clenched in frustration. This was rapidly veering out of control. They were both hurt and lashing out. Danny half-expected her to start throwing things, around or at him; it didn't matter. And he still had more to tell her.
Quietly. "She thinks she might be pregnant."
Lindsay shattered.
Her heart lay at her feet in a thousand tiny pieces.
Danny looked so lost and so damn sorry, pleading hurriedly with her, "It's not sure yet. I'll know tomorrow. God, Linds, I'm sorry, so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you or for any of this to happen." His hands went out to her, beseeching; his heart in his throat creating a lump so big it hurt like hell to swallow. His eyes burned. "I've done something unforgivable and I know I'm hurting you so much by saying these things, I don't want to, I don't want to hurt you. God, please, I'm so sorry, you can't know how much, but please..." he pleaded. "I still want this." His chest heaved as his breath came faster, gasping almost as he pleaded, begged whatever higher power out there for Lindsay to understand. To understand exactly what he was feeling. Please.
"This?" Her voice was whisper-quiet, but came out like a whip. She looked at him in disbelief. Her mouth opened, closed, once, twice. "You come here and tell me you slept with another woman and that she might be pregnant with your child and you still think there's a this?" The last word was raised in a higher nose as Lindsay waved her hand, almost frantically, at the space between them. She choked. "Oh god."
She turned away, clutching her hair with her hands. "I do not need this right now. Jesus...I fucking do not need this right now." Tears fell from her face to the floor.
Danny's face collapsed in regret, in pain, in sadness at watching her break down. "Lindsay..." Reaching out to her once more. He felt sick.
"Don't touch me," she said harshly, spinning around to pin him with red cloudy eyes, tear tracks running down her cheeks. Her hands still clutched at her hair. "Don't," she repeated quietly.
Lindsay let out a painful laugh, filled with heartache, wiping her face with the back of her hand. "I guess that's it then, isn't it? You and me. This thing. Over." Her head hurt. Her heart hurt. Her voice, subdued. Defeated.
A thousand different thoughts swam through his head, pouring out in cracked recriminations.
I don't want this to be it.
I don't want this to be over.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Please forgive me.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
He said nothing.
She opened her door and out he walked.
It slammed behind him and Danny heard a thud. Whipping off his glasses, he furiously swiped at his tears. Any anger and frustration swiftly turned into sharp spikes of remorse when he realized he could still hear her loud sobs through the door and rather than fall apart in front of her apartment, he weakly leaned against the wall beside it, compelling himself to listen to her, willing himself to inflict her pain onto him.
He deserved it.
A/N: Sooo, tonight's episode is a repeat...and I was so looking forward to seeing Child's Play full of anticipation and dread (with a box of tissues to either use or throw at the TV or both, depending on Danny's actions in the eppy). But it seems I'll have to wait until next week. Boo!