South Park With An Older Twist

The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some bits of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction will probably have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly. It's called humour.
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humourous reasons. If you don't like it, it is advisable that you do not continue reading.
Due to this, as well as coarse language, possibly sexuality and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised. :D
Episode 03: Dinosaurs and Surgery for Idiots, Part I

As Kyle, Cartman and Stan walked back towards the classroom after lunch, they didn't know how Mrs. Crackhead was going to react. Was she going to pretend like nothing happened? Was she going to give them tons and tons of homework?

"She'll probably give you tons of homework," Kyle said to Cartman.

"What?! Why?" Cartman looked appalled and had nearly dropped his milk carton since he hadn't finished his beverage at lunch. Fortunately, he caught it, a proceeded to down the rest of it before tossing it in the trash.

"Because you pissed her off," Kyle shrugged, walking in the classroom now and heading to his seat. He pulled out his English notebook and set it atop his desk.

"If that bitch gives me even one more question than you guys, I'll…" Cartman pondered over what consequences he could issue out.

"You'll what?" Stan asked, cocking a brow with a slight grin. He knew well that whatever threat Cartman was going to issue out would be an empty one, but he also hoped that it would give him a good laugh, too.

"I'll kick her squa' in the baws!" Cartman declared, plopping down in his seat with defiance.

"She doesn't have balls, genius," Kyle rolled his eyes.

"Oh, and you would know wouldn't you?" Cartman laughed, looking over at him. "Or you will know soon, anyway. You'll have to tell us all about it after she goes to your house for dinner!"

"Sick, dude!" Stan protested, a disgusted look on his face.

Kyle threw a pen at Cartman and it pegged him right in the side of the head, near his eye. Cartman's face paled before it reddened with anger.

"You son of a bitch!" Cartman roared, going between words slowly. "You could have taken my eye out!"

"Might have been an improvement," Kyle countered.

Cartman looked as if he was about to retaliate even more than simply with words, but Mrs. Crackhead walked into the room. Her pace was swift and her head held high, as if nothing had happened earlier in the day. It looked like she was going to pretend that it didn't happen. Probably better that way.

"All right, kids," she began. "I hope you all had a good lunch. If you kids will all take out your English notebooks, we're going to do some grammar."

There was a mass of grumbles that rippled through the room, but they all got their notebooks out just the same, not wanting to tempt the woman into another fit of rage. Cartman picked up the pen that Kyle had thrown at him now, snapping it in half and tossing it back onto Kyle's desk.

"Use it now, asshole," he muttered as he pulled out the notebook that had Terrance and Phillip on the front out and set in on his desk. He opened it up and got ready to do some quality work during class. Doodling.

"Okay, kids," Mrs. Crackhead began, and Kyle was beginning to think that she was using the word 'kids' too much. He wondered if she was doing it to remind herself that she would have a lawsuit if she attacked them. "Now we're going to learn about nouns and verbs. Can someone tell me what a noun is?" She looked out over the class. "Wendy," she nodded, seeing the girl's hand in the air.

"A noun is a person, place or thing," Wendy said and grinned when Mrs. Crackhead nodded.

"That's right, Wendy," the woman did indeed nod. "Can anyone give us an example? How about Stan?"

"Uh," he said, looking around the room for something random. "Bubble," he blurted, quickly wishing he hadn't.

"Dude," Kyle whispered tensely, though Mrs. Crackhead made no indication that she knew what he was referring to.

"That's right, Stan. A bubble is a noun." She wrote the example on the board before turning back to the class again. "Now, what's a verb? Tweek?"

"Ah! Too much pressure!" the child twitched violently, but Mrs. Crackhead, knowing of his twitches, made no comment. She was concerned, yes, but unless he started into true convulsions she was told not to make a scene of it.

"Okay then," she said quickly, trying to pacify the child. "How about someone else? Bebe?"

"A verb is an action word. It tells us what the something is doing," Bebe answered hesitantly, but when she saw Wendy give her a thumbs up, she calmed.

"That's right. Does anyone have an example?" Mrs. Crackhead wrote Bebe's explanation of 'verb' on the board. "Craig?"

"Screw," Craig replied without hesitation.

"Good job," she praised, writing that on the board as well. "'To screw', like something that would be done to a screw, the object, is a verb. Verbs in their main form have the word 'to' in front of them. So chances are words that you can put the word 'to' in front of are verbs. Like 'to breathe' or 'to play'."

Mrs. Crackhead took a moment to write some individual words on the board and then turned back to the students, oblivious to all the chalk now on the front of her shirt. She glared mildly at the few who snickered at her, which shut them up pretty quickly.

"Now we're going to get some practice identifying nouns and verbs," she informed the class. "Who can tell me what the word 'doggy' is?"

"Doggy is a noun," Butters said proudly.

"Very good," Mrs. Crackhead wrote 'noun' beside the word. "Now how about Montana? Yes, Wendy?"

Wendy, who'd been waving her hand wildly in the air, spoke with a grin to show her vast intelligence. "Montana is a proper noun," she said. "It's the name of a place, so it's not a regular noun. It can also be called a proper name."

"Yes, yes! Excellent, Wendy," Mrs. Crackhead grinned widely before writing that on the board as well.

Cartman looked up from his doodle of a cat… or a whale… or whatever it was and over at Wendy's smug grin and mimicked it with cruel exaggeration. Who the hell did she think she was?

"Eric, how about you tell us what the word 'pillow' is?" Mrs. Crackhead called on him, noticing that he wasn't paying attention.

"No, that's all right. I think Kyle would much rather tell you," Cartman responded, receiving laughs from some in the class.

"I don't want Kyle to tell me. I want you to tell me," she insisted.

"Pillow… is… a… noun," he took a guess, considering all the others had been nouns so far.

"Right," she turned to the board. "Cartman, you can also tell us what the word 'mock' is."

Cartman's face contorted in confusion, an eyebrow raised in question. 'Mock'? What the hell kind of word was that? He was considering not answering, but seeing Kyle's expression of challenge, he couldn't resist.

"Well," Cartman began, giving off his own smug air now. "Mock is obviously a verb." He looked at his fingernails, as if they held some importance.

"Very good." She continued giving a few other examples of verbs before directing their attention to a few sentences she'd written. "Now, write these down in your notebooks and underline the nouns and circle the verbs. These are for homework, but we'll do the first one together."

Cartman grumbled, bitching about how it was hard to read her writing, but wasn't about to take the chance of her checking that he'd actually done it. Better to just write the damn thing down.

Kyle, on the other hand, had taken down all that had been discussed in class so far. Having already written all the sentences down, he took the time to try and figure the first one out on his own. He was pretty confident, but didn't want to go onto the rest until he was entirely sure that he was right. He glanced over, noticing that Stan was doing the same.

"Do you think that one's a noun?" Stan pointed to a word on his page.

"No. I think that one's something else," Kyle whispered with a shake of his head.

"Like what?" Stan asked, looking at him, but Kyle just shrugged.

"All right. Everyone got those down?" Mrs. Crackhead smiled when everyone nodded. "Good. Now in the sentence," she pointed to the first one, "'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog', which are nouns and which are verbs? How about you, Kyle?"

"'Jumps' is the verb," Kyle said and seeing Mrs. Crackhead circle it on the board, he knew he was right.

"Good. Are there any other verbs?" Mrs. Crackhead asked, but Kyle shook his head. "Right you are. 'Jumps' is the only verb in the sentence. Now for nouns. Token, you can answer this one."

Token looked miffed, as if he knew exaclty why he was picked for this one. "Brown is a noun."

"No," Mrs. Crackhead shook her head. "Brown is an adjective. We haven't covered those yet."

"Obviously," Cartman muttered irritably, doodling this time a giraffe… or was it a squirrel? Maybe a tree?

"The nouns in this sentence, since there are two of them, are fox and dog. Does everyone think they'll be fine doing the rest of the homework?" Mrs. Crackhead asked and everyone nodded. "All right. I'll give you some time to do some now, but then we're going to move onto some History work."

As the school day came to a close and as Kyle got home from school, the dread began to set in. Was Mrs. Crackhead coming to the house tonight for dinner? Maybe his mom had changed her mind. Yeah, maybe.

"No," Kyle muttered, contradicting his thoughts and shaking his head. He knew his mother too well and knew there was no way that she was going to change her mind once she'd decided upon something. He left his backpack at the bottom of the stairs for now and headed into the living room, where he sat on the couch and turned on Terrance and Phillip.

"Kyle! Can't you even say hello when you get home?" Sheila Broflovski scolded, poking her head in the room.

"Hi mom," Kyle quickly said, throwing a smile her way for good measure.

"That's better. Do you have any homework tonight, bubalah?" she asked, a smile appearing on her own face.

"No, mah," he lied. He did have a few questions for English and of course there was Math, but he would do those later. He wanted to watch Terrance and Phillip right now.

"You better not be fibbing, Kyle. 'Cause I'll just ask Mrs. Crackhead when she and her husband come over tonight!" she laughed, leaving the room.

Kyle's face paled and then he groaned irritably. "God damn it," he muttered and though he tried to watch Terrance and Phillip, he just couldn't get it out of the back of his mind that he would have to do his homework before his teacher came over. He knew his mom would ask her about any homework, and then would check his schoolbag for it when he wasn't looking. He flicked off the television and drudged up the stairs, dragging his backpack along behind.

Later in the evening, whilst watching the news with his father, dressed nicely and waiting for their dinner guests, Kyle heard a very odd report.

"This is World News Today," the reporter announced. "Welcome back."

Kyle's father insisted on watching the world news, rather than what the South Park local news station had to offer. While on the local cable network this station wouldn't come in, Gerald Broflovski had taken it upon himself to buy a satellite dish, which he installed to the roof of the house. Now the family got somewhere around 900 channels… too bad that even with 900 channels there was still nothing good to watch half of the time.

"Recently, news of a new fad has been circulating through our country. It seems, to fit in people, mostly teenagers, are going under the knife. This is no simple plastic surgery however," the female reporter that had appeared on the screen announced. "No. This surgery, referred to by some as 'Stupid Surgery' gives the patient a 60 point IQ reduction."

"What?" Kyle thought aloud with a tone of disgust in his voice. He looked to his father, who only seemed intrigued.

"As unbelievable as it seems, it's true. Teens everywhere are getting 'Stupid Surgery' in order to fit in with their friends and peers. There is word that some adults are doing the same to fit in, in the workplace, however, at this point it is mostly the teenage populace that has taken to this surgery in storm. This is what people have to say about this bizarre surgery."

The image flipped to a doctor, a psychologist, apparently. He was sitting in front of a shelf of books, looking smart.

"These kids just want to fit in. The smart kids have always been outcasts in our country, so now that these 'nerds' have the opportunity to fit in, they're jumping on the chance."

The image flipped to a sixteen-year-old named Ben, who was dressed in 'gangster' apparel. It said under his name 'former science genius'.

"Before my surgery, I thought that science was so sick. I had no friends, but now I got my hommies and we hang out all the time and party! My shorty and I hang out all the time, too." He seemed terribly pleased with himself.

Kyle wasn't sure he understood what that kid just said, but he got the point. He went from being a science genius to a complete moron with this surgery. It was hard to believe that people would actually do this to themselves, not to mention let their kids do this. The ten-year-old could only shake his head and didn't pay attention to the rest of that report.

It wasn't long after that that the doorbell rang and Sheila was rushing to the front door declaring that she would get it. Before she opened the door, though, she turned to her husband and two sons.

"Now boys," she addressed all of them. "You be on your best behaviour. I don't want to embarrass the woman and I certainly don't want you to make us look like idiots!" She snapped all these orders in a sharp whisper, then put on a smile, and opened the door. "Mrs. Crackhead! Mr. Crackhead! How are you tonight? Come in, come in."

She ushered the Canadian couple into the house, closed the door, took their coats and immediately began to lead them to the dining room. Kyle, his father and his brother followed close behind.

"I'm very good, thank you, Mrs. Broflovski," Mrs. Crackhead grinned.

"Oh, please, dear, call me Sheila," she said as she sat them down in their assigned seats.

"Thank you for having us for dinner, Sheila," Mr. Crackhead said, his voice very deep.

Mrs. Crackhead's husband was also a stout person, but he didn't outweigh his wife. Though it looked like a few of the buttons on his suit were about to pop off, he didn't look like he would break one of the dining room chairs if he sat on it. His hair was a very light blond and his hairline was already receding, even though he didn't look old enough for it to be doing so. They were a young couple, but their figures added years to their appearances.

Mrs. Crackhead wore what seemed to be normal for her. A nicer shirt and a skirt that revealed her calves. It did look like she put on some makeup though, and Kyle noticed that she was still trying to cover her bubble with her hair.

"How do you like it here in South Park?" Sheila asked, continuing with conversation when no one else seemed like they were going to speak. She was serving the food to their guests as well, but glared when her sons had the gall to think she was going to serve them.

"It's nice," Mr. Crackhead grinned. "It's quiet and nothing like where we came from."

"Where did you live before?" Gerald took up asking, studying very discreetly, but very carefully the way that the Canadian pair was speaking. So far no 'aboots' or 'ehs', but he wasn't satisfied yet.

"In Toronto. That's a big city in Ontario," Mr. Crackhead clarified when it seemed they had no idea where Toronto was. "So going from a huge city like that to little South Park is a nice change. Even better that Deb can work here as a teacher, too." He smiled at his wife, who returned the smile.

Kyle sat in silence through the majority of the meal, only answering questions when asked them directly. He ate what was on his plate, didn't complain and made very little eye contact. He did notice the odd interaction between Mrs. Crackhead and her husband, though. To him, it seemed almost like she was his daughter rather than his wife, which grossed him out, but then there were moments when they did look like a normal couple.

After the meal, while they were all simply sitting and talking with their empty plates sitting in front of them, Mr. Crackhead brought up something he'd heard.

"Did you folks hear about the dinosaur that's been spotted?"

"Dinosaur?" Gerald cocked a disbelieving, though equally alarmed eyebrow.

Mr. Crackhead nodded. "A t-rex, actually. Word is that a time portal appeared in the sky over a trailer park and out comes this t-rex! Completely destroyed the place and it still hasn't been caught."

"What? How could it not have been caught?" Kyle, ever the sceptic, wanted to blatantly call Mr. Crackhead an idiot, but he knew his mother would give him an earful and a grounding later if he did. Even as it was, she was giving him a warning look.

"The authorities are trying to figure out a way to take it down. And they're not too worried yet since it hasn't eaten anyone," Mr. Crackhead said with a shrug. "I saw an article about it in a newspaper and I've heard people talking. They say that it's headed this way."

Kyle resisted the urge to roll his eyes. This sounded like something Cartman would say. Though… the leprechaun had been real… Was Imaginationland breaking loose again? Shit… he'd better check this out.

xxxxxxx

"So Kyle," Cartman began in his taunting voice as soon as he got to the bus stop the next morning. "How was dinner with Mrs. Crackhead? Did you have a nice evening, Kyle?"

For the moment, Kyle ignored his taunts, turning his attention to Stan. "Have you heard any weird reports lately? Something about a t-rex."

"Oh yeah," Stan nodded. "My dad was going on about it last night. They're going to have a town meeting later to try and find out how to get rid of it. Or at least stop it from coming here."

"It's true then…" Kyle trailed off.

Stan shrugged. "Maybe. You know how the people in our town get. Why? Did you hear something?"

"It's just that Mr. Crackhead-"

"That bitch is married? Holy shit," Cartman interjected. "He must be insane. Or blind or-"

"Mr. Crackhead," Kyle spoke louder, "said that he read about it in a paper, and that he's heard people talking about it."

"So? It could be complete bullshit," Stan shrugged again, though could tell that Kyle was concerned.

"You forget Imaginationland so easily, Stan," Cartman waved a disapproving finger in the boy's face.

"That's exactly what I was thinking. Are our imaginations running wild again?" Kyle noticed Stan's expression change to one of sudden realization.

"Shit," he said. "This can't be good."

"I mean, I hope we're all just blowing this out of proportion, but what if?" Kyle asked.

"We have to do something," Stan decided as the bus was pulling up before them.

"Guhd murnin'," Mr. Glenfield greeted as the boys stepped onto the bus. When they were seated, he started down the road again.

"We have to go to that town meeting, dude," Kyle said finally from where he was sitting next to Stan. "See what they know. Then we can come up with something to do."

"We should just nuke the god damned thing back to where it came from," Cartman declared. "Get George Bush to sign some piece of shit that says we can and then kablamo! No more t-rex."

Stan looked from Cartman back to Kyle. "He could be right, you know."

Kyle sighed, nodding at his best friend. "Yeah… I know."

To be continued...

Disclaimer: I, Laura Barton, did not come up with the original idea of 'Stupid Surgery', nor the dinosaur coming out of a time portal. These ideas came from the tabloid newspaper Weekly World News. Check the July 24, 2006 issue to see the articles for these stories. Check out the newspaper in general for a good laugh.