General Writing Techniques
Applying to the Harry Potter FanFiction
Volume 2: Vulgarity and Citrus
No one likes a potty mouth. No one likes a kiss and tell. So, why is it that these kinds of FanFictions are so popular? The answer evades me, but I can tell you that these kinds of overly raunchy, explicit Fics are never worthwhile. This is the second symptom of the careless mistake plague- lewd, explicit, hideously written stories. Most of the time, the author is so busy being "cool" by swearing like an intoxicated Irishman or…well, we won't get into that. I'm not defending these stories, I'm degrading them.
I will try out a story before I flame/review it, because I think every story has the potential to be okay. There have been times I wish I would have never laid eyes on a story, and these are usually the circumstances.
Section 1: Language
If you are a 300 pound man from Kentucky who just chugged a bottle of Jack Daniel's and then got into a fight in some tavern on the outskirts of town, excessive language is expected from you. It is what you do; it is in your blood. It's the language "yer paw tawght yuh" and you have come to know and respect it.
I would love to say you're not alone, but I try not to lie.
Unless you are the man I just described, excessive language will not "spice up" your story, it will not "liven up" the dialogue…it will push the characters, well, out of character, and will serve only to make you look crude and heathen-like, which is not a good thing.
However, the occasional profanity can be warranted-Rowling herself uses "damn" in moderation. Don't misunderstand me and think I'm saying that when your main character cuts their hand off in Potions I think you should have them say, "Golly gee, that TICKLED like the DICKENS! (giggle)" But a line such as, "!#$$&!&$#!&" may be a bit heavy-handed on the "sentence enhancers", as Patrick the Starfish once said.
Section 2: Citrus
I've heard oversexed scenes referred to as lemon, lime, and such; hence the category "Citrus." These plot-less, 'lets-see-how-detailed-we-can-be' stories seem to sneak up on you. You'll be reading along, and like a Mercedes off of an overpass, BAM, some disgusting scene comes in and ruins it.
Honestly, though, if your stories are like that, I don't even want to think about what your life must be like. Either you're a middle-aged man with pattern-baldness stealing what little hair you have left, or you're some sex addict with a laptop. Either way, it's not necessary.
Yet again, don't take this too literally and think I'm saying a kiss or a hug is some sort of unrighteous, nauseating thing-in fact, a tasteful, sweet kiss can mean more than seventy sex scenes ever could. It can really bring meaning into a story, but if everybody's kissing everybody, you've lost it.
One final thought-I'm not your Mom, your pastor, or your god. I can't tell you what to do, but stuff like this is just wrong. It's obvious, guys and ladies-you can't deep-down-honestly tell me that you didn't know that. Besides, I've read only one M-rated story that was worth my time, and anyone with sense is going to steer clear of stories like this. Oh, and by the by, I meant no disrespect to the Irish or to the Kentuckians. I'm sure (seeing as how I know quite a few of both ethnicities) that they would understand my sentiments as a poke in the stomach and not some crude generalization.
-Rudy