General Writing Techniques
Pertaining to the Harry Potter FanFiction
Volume 4: Mary Sues (SHUDDER)
You all knew this was coming. Mary Sues are one of the ugliest blots on the tapestry that is the FanFiction flag, a banner raised high above the battlegrounds of warring flamers, authors, and authors who are part time flamers, like me. This is the average Mary Sue Fic, or at least an excerpt.
Kelly Smith Comes to Hogwarts
By: Tweenie-BopperIluvHarry709
Kelly Smith jumped up with her team. "OMG, guys! We won Super-big-grand-nationals! And it was all me and my seventy kills!" Kelly giggled and went to the locker room change out of her volleyball uniform into a pair of Seven7 jeans with diamonds she owned inlayed on the belt, Gucci halter top with an opal and 24 carat platinum necklace and Prada heels. Her hair, naturally pearlescent lavender, shimmered as it cascaded over her back. She walked into the gym and screaming fans lifted her up. If only Mum and Dad were still here…she thought. Her parents had died tragically and heroically, and all their money and power was transferred for no apparent reason to her.
She got a letter from Hogwarts, and flew over there from New York immediately. She would be starting in her fourth year, because she was so late getting in.
The plane landed and she apparated onto platform 9 and 3/4. She got on the bus and sat next to Harry Potter. They got to talking, and ended up snogging right there. When the trolley lady came by, Harry bought her a cauldron cake. She ate it and then went back to snogging Harry. Once the train arrived at Hogwarts, she went into the dormitories after snogging Harry a fond farewell. She had been automatically sorted into Gryffindor, because the Sorting Hat was so proud of her bravery. She went to her class, and on the way, she dropped a pen. Before it hit the ground, she pulled out her pure diamond wand and stopped it, with a well-aimed spell. Some jerk bumped into her from the back, and her bag fell. The guy who had bumped into her was Draco, and he picked it up for her, and the moment their eyes met, they knew it was love. They made out in the hallway there, and after class, they went to Hogsmeade.
When O.W.L.'s rolled around, Kelly got the best grade in the school on hers, and Draco and her had a victory snog. "OMG, Draco, you're so dead sexy. Let's run off and join the Ministry. You can become the Minister, and I'll be your dead sexy wife, and we can have 6 amazingly talented kids named Kelli, Kellie, Kelly Jo, Drake, Drake-o, and Jim, who will be our cactus-son!"
Draco said yes and then they did all that and then their kids grew up to be really talented and played Quidditch for big teams and saved the world.
The end.
Look, I could rant about Mary Sues for the majority of my existence, but I'm going to leave you with these warning signs to know if your story contains a Mary Sue.
The main character is an exchange student from the USA.
The main character is perfect.
The main character is smarter than Hermione.
There is no plot.
Chapters really don't exist. It's all just one big maze of words.
You are a 40 year old man who is 5' 7" and weighs as much as a newborn blue whale.
The main character has had some tragic run-in with Dark Magic earlier in life.
Other characters exist to satisfy the Sue's desires. Everything revolves around her.
Stay alert. I may just need to flame you.
-Rudy