A/N: Okay. This chapter really breaks my heart. And No, I am not A Sirius/Lily shipper. But I love them having an amazing friendship. I feel like Sirius would have been her best friend as well as James'. She was such a sweet girl and all. Anyway…this is and will remain a James/Lily fic. Don't get scared. . Again. Reviews are nice.

Lily dashed out onto the Quidditch field as fast as she could, hoping Sirius hadn't thought she was still mad and standing him up. But once she got out on to the field, Sirius was visible flying in, out, and around the golden hoops. She pulled her hat further down on her head; it was cold enough that she could see her breath. Sirius was just like James, flying could rid their minds of anything.

"Sirius!" she called, raising her arms above her head. Sirius spotted her quickly and soared down to the ground, carefully getting off his broom and walking over to her.

"Hey," he said softly. "I thought you stood me up." Lily shook her head, rubbing her hands together for warmth.

"No. I fell asleep. I'm sorry," She looked up at him. There were so many unsaid things between the pair of them – it was almost like an invisible fortress around them.

"Lily…Listen," he said, taking a couple steps toward her. "I never meant to hurt you. I love you like you were my very own sister. I love you MORE than if you were my sister. You were, and always have been, more than my best friend's girlfriend. You've been one of my best friends. It would kill me to lose you, Lily. It kills me to know I caused you some of that pain in your eyes right now."

Lily averted her eyes from his and stared at the grass. Frost lay across the whole of it, and it looked as if someone had taken a paintbrush across the whole of the pitch and painted it white.

"Lily," he started again, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should never have told you I had it under control, because I didn't. I'm sorry." Lily looked up at him, willing herself not to cry. She was stronger than this. Much stronger than this.

"Thank you, Sirius. You know that I love you. I love you….so much. And I love Remus and Peter…and…" she swallowed hard; the lump in her throat that caused tears was starting to grow. She closed her eyes. "I forgive you. I do. It isn't your fault, and it never was. I just needed someone to blame." She opened her eyes again. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Sirius shook his head

"You, Ms. Evans, have absolutely nothing to apologize for."

He pulled her into a hug, and she released herself into another boy's arms for the second time that day. He kissed the top of her head, and then pulled away.

"Can we catch up, Lil? I've missed you so much!" Lily smiled and nodded. He led her over to the stands, and sat down next to her. He looked at her and then sighed deeply.

"How are you?" Lily looked at him; she knew that he wanted nothing more or less than the deepest conflicts of her heart. She hadn't felt that she could completely unload on anybody lately. But now that she had Sirius back…

"Honestly? I feel like my world is crashing down, Sirius. I love him. I love him so much it hurts, Sirius, and it's killing me. But it hurt… It hurt so bad that he would lie to me, and not even want me to help." She was crying at this point, and she hated herself for it. She violently wiped her tears as she continued, "I can't help thinking it was me, you know? I mean, I do ask an awful lot from him. I asked him to change for me. I asked him to be Mr. Freaking Poster-Board-For-All-That-Is-Good." She shook her head, and it looked as if she couldn't go on, but then, "I can't stand the look on his face Sirius. I can't… I can't stand it. It's like…all the joy and happiness in the world is gone." She bit her lip. "I know I caused that, Sirius. Do you have any idea what that's like?." She closed her eyes to try and calm the tears that were now flowing ever so freely.

"Sirius…he can't even look at me." She said, wiping the last of the tears off of her face. "We can't be together right now, and I've accepted that…but couldn't we be friends? I don't want him taken from my life completely." Sirius watched her for a few minutes, and then breathed a sigh.

"Lily…He loves you, too. He loves you so much, Lily. You couldn't possibly imagine how much. He wants to change for you. He really does. He's trying, Lil, he's trying really hard..." He took her hand and continued, "He was lost. He was really lost. I showed him the drugs, Lil. It was me. And he took to it because… Well, because I told him to. At the time, I thought it was the solution to all problems. Of course, I know now that it's not. It was never to hurt you. You must know that." He couldn't comprehend the fact that she was blaming herself for all this, as far as he was concerned, this whole thing was HIS fault.

"It was never about you," he continued. "If anything, you delayed him from getting too far into it. Lil…This isn't your fault."

And somehow, coming from Sirius, it was much more reassuring then if it had come from Marlene or Alice. She smiled.

"Thank you." He smirked.

"No problem. Just stating the facts…" Lily sighed, and leaned back in her seat. Sirius looked out into the pitch, staring for a bit before turning back to her. "What about…the…uh…" he looked at her stomach, "thing?" he finished. Lily smiled at the juvenile way Sirius had referred to her pregnancy scare.

"I'm not sure. We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose. I'll tell him eventually…I just don't think he could handle it right now," she said softly. Sirius let out a sigh of frustration.

"You shouldn't have to do this alone." He frowned. Lily nodded

"I'm not alone. I have you." She took his and squeezed. He tilted his head to the side slightly. "Oh Lily…" he let out.

She gave him a soft smile and changed the subject as quick as she could. "And besides all that other stuff, everything's fine. Well…except Marlene and Alice were being really weird. They came into the dormitory all worried, asking if I was alright – and then wouldn't tell me why they thought I wasn't." She frowned, and then even more deeply when Sirius gave her a look of dread.

"They didn't tell you?" he raised a brow. She shook her head slowly.

"Tell me what?" Sirius sighed.

"James is a little…" he stopped, he didn't know how to say this without making it 10 times worse for her.

"James is a little what, Sirius? What?" Her face had turned a shocking shade of white.

"He's a bit…suicidal," he spit out, watching her for a reaction.

"Why?" she said not breaking emotion. Sirius let out a huge breath.

"Because. You won't speak to him, and it kills him knowing he doesn't have you anymore." Lily's voice caught in her throat.

"That's crazy," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. Sirius shrugged.

"He won't do it. He's just threatening. He wants you to take him back. I think they have him up in the hospital wing now? He can't be trusted alone, you know…" Lily looked out at the pitch.

"I have to fix this," she let out. Sirius put an arm around her

"I'll help you. For real this time." She leaned her head against his shoulder

"I love him Sirius." Sirius rubbed her shoulder.

"I know Lily, I know."