Haley bit at her lip, as her entire body trembled. It had been over an hour since she'd had any control over her body and each ecstasy filled second was driving her closer to the edge. She was at the brink of completely losing it and not caring at all, just giving in to passion, giving in to the moment…giving in to him. But every single time she dangerously teetered near that edge, she would stop herself. Holding back was simply a must.

It was supposed to the most beautiful, magical, sacred time between a man and a woman. A horizontal, erotic dance of pure love and intimacy shared. Haley had never felt that way before. She had never been held so close. She had never felt so connected in every way to another human being. And she had never been pleasured like that before. There was something about Nathan Scott and the way he looked at her and touched her. The lovemaking was tender and romantic but at the same time filled with urgency, want and passion. In his bed, she was able to give up all inhibitions. She wasn't embarrassed to be naked in front of him, she wasn't scared to give her body to him in any way he desired sexually.

It was the best sex of her life and he was the most incredible, sexy, giving lover any woman could have hoped for. The man was able to find erogenous zones Haley didn't even know existed. She gasped and tried to remain quiet as he finished making love to her. Feeling her body about to erupt again like a fourth of July fireworks show, Haley tried to brace herself, one hand grabbing a fistful of sheets while the other's nails raked across his bare back. He grunted loudly and they released together, sweaty, exhausted and satisfied in each other's arms.

"Damn," he tried to regain a normal pattern of breathing.

She stroked the side of his face.

"You okay?"

Nathan licked his lips.

"I'm good. What about you?"

She gave him a sincere smile, her brown eyes still glazed over.

"I'm great. That was wonderful."

Nathan looked at her more seriously.

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. Why do you ask?"

He shrugged.

"I don't know. I mean, it's good between us. It's more than good but…I don't know. I just kind of get the feeling that you're holding back sometimes. That's cool and all, I just, I just want you to be comfortable with me, Hales. You don't have to be scared. You can let go in front of me."

She understood what he meant and she wished she could give him the explanation he was owed. But that was impossible…at least for the time being. She was unable to give Nathan a reason but she did have one. More than anything she wanted to be able to moan, groan, scream, yell, pant and make any other sound lovers made when they were in the privacy of their own bedroom. But Nathan and Haley, unbeknownst to him, were not completely alone.

The secret was in the tiny piece of modern electronic equipment placed snugly in her ear. He never even saw it and that was the plan. That contraption was the gateway to another world, a world where the feds had complete access into the private life of one of their most wanted. They could hear every word and sound and they listened in 24 hours a day, the only break given when Haley had to use the restroom. Those personal moments were strictly off limits but they were the only ones. She had been given firm standing orders to wear the earpiece at all other times, even when she and her boyfriend were being intimate in bed.

For Haley it was nothing short of horrifying. She was mortified. It was an intrusive, disturbing invasion of privacy but one she could do nothing about. It was part of the job, the nature of the beast and she had no choice but to go with it. And that was why she was careful and inhibited at times, only because she knew they were listening and analyzing every sound, every move, every minute. She felt like a cheap porn star. She had never been a voyeur, she had never even allowed previous lovers to video tape the act. Sex in such a public fashion just wasn't her thing and now her colleagues and supervisors were listening every time she made love.

She looked over at Nathan and couldn't help but feel bad, guilty. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. Worst of all, he had no clue. It made her sick. She hated doing that to him. And she knew a day would come when he would find out everything. It was always in the back of her mind. What would he do? What would he say? How would he react? She couldn't even imagine. She often thought about how it would be if the shoe was on the other foot. What if he were the one betraying her trust and privacy even if it was in the name of justice? What would her reaction be?

"It's not that. It's not you, Nathan, it's me. I don't mean to hold back," she tried to explain as rain began to pour against the roof of the house. "It's just weird for me. Don't get me wrong. I love it, I love being here with you like this but…"

"You're scared," he finished.

She nodded. It had an element of truth. He didn't know all the basis for her fears but they were there. Still it felt like she was turning it around on him.

"I am scared."

He kissed her forehead as he released her from his arms. He scooted his body so that it was next to her. Lying on their sides, they faced one another, as the thin sheet slipped, barely covering their exposed waists. The outside's pale moonlight set the mood as a storm battered the Cape.

"I don't want you to be. You don't have to be but I know I can't just say come out and say that to you. Everybody knows I don't have the best track record. So now I have to back up my words with actions. It's gonna take a while for you to trust me completely. I get that."

"Trust is complicated."

"It was never really important to me before you. It never mattered whether or not girls trusted me. I didn't want them to. Why? I didn't trust them and it's not like a few dates or a few one night hook ups were gonna go anywhere anyway."

"There were lots of girls, weren't there?" Haley posed in the stillness of the night.

"Yeah. I'm not proud of it. That's just the way it was."

"Why?"

"It was always about basketball. Play, get to the NBA. There was no other life, no other option. You know my dad. You know my mom. Sometimes it was hell growing up in that house. My dad wanted it for me so I could be great, this rich and famous player that he could say, 'yeah, that's my boy, I did that, he's where he is because of me'."

"Why did you want it?"

"At first because I loved it. I'm good at it, Haley. You've seen that. Yeah, it sounds cocky as hell but honestly I was never good at anything else. Take my mom, when she's not cracked out of her mind, she has this awesome way with people. She does all these charities and it really helps people and she's amazing. Then my dad, asshole or not, is one hell of a businessman. I mean, you can knock his tactics or whatever but he knows what he hell he's doing. And Lucas is so smart. The guy is a really talented writer. Me? All I ever was, was a baller. So I focused on it and eventually it took over. Being in this family, seeing some of the stuff I've seen, dealing with some of the people I've met…it changes things. It changes a person."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm no angel. It's funny because if people like you because you're a good athlete, whatever but what gets me is when people, especially little kids see me as this hero or something. Believe me, Hales, I'm nobody's role model. I've done stuff I'm not proud of, stuff that was illegal, stuff that was immoral. You'd never get it and you wouldn't unless you walked a mile in my shoes."

Haley swallowed hard.

"Life and experience made you hard. Putting up that wall, being Nathan Scott is what helped you cope. Fame is so fickle anyway. I see people coming at you all the time from so many different directions. I guess it's hard to open up and trust and just be yourself."

"Girls were never important. I mean, yeah, I wanted to party and have sex and stuff but that's where it ended. I never wanted to get married…look at my parents. They're miserable. Who the hell wants that? Then one day, it kind of changed."

Haley felt her heart race.

"How?"

"I was down in New Orleans for a game. Me and a couple of the guys used to hit up the same strip clubs down there. There was this one chick named Venom. She was hot, you know, pretty, a good dancer. I became a regular. One day I had this fight with my dad and my grandfather. They really pissed me off. There was this guy I used to play with in high school. The kid was okay but he had no shot at going pro. Our families were real tight and stuff and Grandpa decided to get involved. He had some contacts from Canada and they hooked him up with Benzedrine, testosterone, TGH and a bunch of other shit. Anyway, the guy got busted right before the draft. It was one of the biggest scandals in basketball. The feds questioned me."

"And?" she asked with bated breath.

"And I lied to them."

"Because you were afraid to implicate your family?"

"That and because I'm not a snitch. It was none of my business and it just made me mad that Dad and Grandpa had anything to do with it in the first place. They create all these messes all the time and I always get dragged into them."

She closed her eyes. He had just copped to lying to a federal agent. That in itself could be indicted under Title 18 United States Code, Section 1001 and it did carry a prison sentence. She tried to remain calm. It could be worse and she prayed that was the only thing he was guilty of. If it was, perhaps she could still help him, still save him.

"Why don't you just leave them?" she asked. "I mean, you're a grown man now. You have your own life, your own money. If they do all these bad things and if it's so hard being associated with them, why don't you just walk away and never look back?"

"You don't think I've thought of it a million times? I think about it every day, Hales. But it's hard. I say it's complicated and it is. Regardless of what they do and everything that has happened, they're still my blood. Loyalty is everything."

"But it's like you've done things for and because of them that could get you in a whole lot of trouble. Isn't that enough?"

"We look out for our own. I won't let them go down for anything and I know they'd protect me, too."

"Even if you walked away?"

"Even if I walked away but I won't. That can't happen, Haley. I know it doesn't make sense but it's just the way it is with this family. If you're gonna be with me, you have to get used to that just like my mom did, just like Brooke did."

"I admire that but at the same time it scares me. I worry for you. I understand what you're saying but for your own sake…"

"After I lied to the feds was when we got in that big fight. There was this big party down in Tree Hill honoring my grandfather and some more good ol' boys for some big bullshit award. They told me to bring a date, a respectable, classy young lady. I could have found someone but I really wanted to rattle their chains so I called up Venom. I flew her out, put her in some nice clothes and made her my own Pretty Woman for the week."

"Did Dan and Royal know?"

"Oh hell yeah. It nearly gave both of them a coronary but that was kind of the point. I did it to get under their skin but um, she turned out to be pretty cool. Venom, her real name was Asher…we started hanging out. She was cool, she was different from the other chicks. She kind of grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and stuff and we were two people nobody ever figured out would be together but it just sort of happened."

"Did you love her?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, I loved her. I loved Asher a lot."

"What happened?"

"It was only a couple of months but I let myself get close, a lot closer than I am to a lot of people I've known my whole life. We ended up partying in Vegas at All Star weekend and we got married."

"What did everyone say?"

"They flipped. My family, my friends, my teammates, my coaches, the press. It was crazy. But we didn't care. We were happy and that's all that mattered. So I did walk away."

Haley propped up on her elbow.

"What was it like?"

He smiled a real smile.

"It was nice. I was free, for the first time in my life. It was fun. And uh…I, I loved Asher."

"So why can't you do that again? Just walk away from them. Walk away from the control and all of it. Nathan, you remember how it felt that time and…"

"It didn't work out," he cut her off.

Haley treaded carefully.

"Why not?"

"Because it just didn't," he grumbled. "For all sorts of reasons. She came between my family and me."

"But it was your choice to leave."

"Yeah to leave and walk away. That meant leaving all the crap behind. Grandpa and Dad were pissed. They hated her. They hated Asher for taking me away, they hated her for being from a poor background, they hated her for being a stripper. Most of all, they hated her because she was strong. Brooke is strong but it's different because Brooke doesn't get involved in Scott business. Because Luke and me didn't grow up together and because the NBA was never really a part of his plan, they never seemed to have that hold on him. Being with me would be a lot harder than being with my brother. Anyway, Brooke shops and hangs out with Luke. When the Scott's do come around with their bullshit, she tunes it out for the most part."

"Asher couldn't do that."

"No, she couldn't. We were partying a lot and she did a lot of drugs and stuff. I hated it. I begged her to stop but she wouldn't. I don't think she could. The drugs made her a different person. It was a lot of conflict with my family at that time. We split up for a while. I didn't really want to but I didn't know what else to do. Asher was pissed. She said Dad and Grandpa talked me into it."

"Is that true?"

Nathan sighed.

"I don't know. Maybe. I just know it would have been a lot better if she'd just stayed clean. I already had one junkie in my life with Mom, I couldn't take it again. All Asher had to do was get and stay clean. She promised me she would. We were even talking about getting back together and stuff but then she came up with this crazy plan."

"What kind of plan?" Haley asked, intrigued, shocked at just how much he was giving up.

"Asher knew a lot. She found out about some family secrets and stuff when we were married. She didn't get the whole story about a lot of things but she thought she knew everything. Anyway, she wanted me to break away from my family completely. I told her it wasn't that easy, that I had to stuff to think about. She flipped out and threatened to tell everything."

"Tell everything?"

"Everything she knew or thought she knew about our family."

"Nathan…"

"It never got that far. We were out at Nauset Beach on the jet skis and there was an accident."

"What happened?"

His entire face changed as the words tumbled out of his mouth.

"She drowned."

"Were you there?"

He nodded.

"We were riding together. One minute she was there, the next she was just…gone."

"Oh my God. Nathan…"

"She died."

"I am so sorry," Haley, riveted, reached out to touch him. "You poor thing. I can't imagine…"

She wrapped her arms around him, holding him.

"I loved her," he spoke after a few minutes. "I loved Asher but I couldn't let her do it."

Haley froze. There was something about the way he spoke. It gave her chills.

"What?"

"I couldn't let her do that to my family. Dad and Grandpa are assholes and I've done my share of dirt, too. There was no way we were all going down. I'd never let that happen."

She was too stunned to respond. He had confessed to one crime, was he perhaps confessing to the ultimate sin as well? It couldn't be. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. There had to be further explanation.

"Nathan…"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," he simply stated.

With a dry mouth she looked at him and simply nodded. She searched his eyes for clues, some sort of answers but there were none. He was blank.

"Okay," she managed to reply.

"I have to get up early in the morning," he said, rolling over away from her. "I'm going to bed."

Pulling the covers to her chin, she hoped he couldn't feel her shaking on the other side of the massive king sized bed. But their conversation had truly shaken her to the core. Now she was left with more questions than ever. Lots of questions and still not enough answers.