Hello. Quick, pretty short up-date. Hope you like it.

Disclaimer: Now I come to think about it the only things I don't own that appear in this chapter are Harry and Severus, so here you go guys, you found my secret- they ain't actually mine. Shock Horror.

"Wow, you actually came," said Toni as she opened the door.

Harry had a sudden impulse to run at Toni's oh so reassuring words. It was then he noticed she was holding scissors in one hand and a waxing strip in the other.

But before he could act on his impulse he was pulled in by the collar and Snape followed smirking, closing Harry's escape behind him.

"Would you like some tea, Severus?" said Hermione, appearing at the end of the corridor.

"Coffee would be fine," said Snape, squeezing his way down the small corridor as elegantly as possible, trying to avoid one of Harry's flying limbs as he attempted to escape Toni's head-lock.

"Harry! Stop struggling! I'm not going to hurt you."

"Yeah, right," said Harry, purple in the face and gasping for breath.

"It's just a make-over, come on." Toni let go of Harry, who promptly fell over and winded himself. Toni used Harry's incapacitation to her advantage by grabbing his ankles and dragging him into the bathroom.

Snape and Hermione were watching, Hermione with a far off look in her eyes (she had obviously seen this display many times before) and Snape trying and failing to hide has great amusement.

"Help!" screamed Harry, clutching onto the door frame and trying to pull himself out.

"Come on Harry, waxing doesn't hurt that much," Harry disappeared behind the doorframe and the door shut.

Hermione and Snape stared at the spot where Harry had vanished for a few moments, quite indifferent to the banging and the cries of 'Let me out!'

There was a sharp ping.

"Oh look, the kettle's boiled. Do you take your coffee black or white Severus?"

SsSsSsSsSsSs

The coffee table rattled slightly and there was a constant rumble from the bathroom. Snape and Hermione sat primly at opposite ends of the sofa, silent save the screams issuing from the bathroom.

"So…" said Hermione, groping around for something to say, "is there a Mrs. Snape?"

Snape laughed derisively, throwing back his head, his chest shaking.

Hermione was quite startled by his reaction. "I'll take that as a no..." she trailed off. That laugh had been something of a conversation stopper.

Hermione thought about the plan, and decided she had to do it.

"Would you even be into the Mrs. if you had one?" She mentally slapped herself; it had not been the best way to phrase her thoughts.

"What in Squid's name are you talking about girl?"

"I mean are you... Did you just blaspheme?"

Snape hadn't a clue what that was, having never taken Muggle Studies on religion. He was saved because Hermione had taken a deep breath and ploughed on.

"What I mean is, are you gay?" Now Snape could see why he had wanted to ask the question before she lost her nerve. Toni had obviously told her what had happened last time.

Severus didn't know why he had reacted that way last time. Probably because he had been in a sour mood, and the suggestion he was going out with Potter. It took Severus all the self-control he had not to spit his drink on the floor at the thought of the piercing green eyes. He had looked into them once here, and he had drowned, and he couldn't get out.

And that scared him.

"No, straight as a pencil," said Snape. He didn't want Toni dragging him into a bathroom to primp and preen.

There was a small silence where they heard a snatch of conversation from the bathroom.

"You call yourself gay Harry?" inquired Toni. "What shampoo do you use?"

"No matter," she said, cutting across him. "Head, sink, now!"

Harry seemed to find his voice. "No!" they heard him protest though the wall.

There was a loud bang and a long gurgle followed.

"Do you have a girlfriend then?" continued Hermione.

"No." A smirk crossed Hermione's face at this. Snape shot her a calculating look, but couldn't figure out what she was thinking.

He made a mental note to watch out for future attacks on his sexuality.

"Can you teach me how to cook, Severus? I'm useless and the last time Toni tried she melted a whole baguette."

"What?" asked Snape.

"Cook. You said you used to teach Harry cooking, I was wondering if you could help me out,"

"Oh, not now," protested Snape.

"Come on, we have time." And Hermione dragged him over to a black contraption with white knobs.

"What is this?" asked Snape, prodding it with his finger.

"A stove," said Hermione, raising her eyebrows at Snape.

"No, I know it's a stove," said Snape, who had previously had no idea what it was, "I meant, it is an old design, positively ancient."

"It only came out last year."

"Yes, yes I know," said Snape, trying to climb out of the hole he had dug for himself. "I mean they have used a very old design, just modernised it a bit, very old design.

"Wow, who came up with this unique idea then?" asked Hermione.

"Merlin," mumbled Snape.

Hermione was just looking at him very oddly, when Toni burst out of the bathroom.

"Tada!" she yelled, flourishing her hands towards the door through which she had just appeared.

Harry stepped through the doorway.

"Have you been shagging him in there?" asked Severus, angry, although he wasn't sure why.

"No, but I gave his hair the just-got-laid look."

"He looks like a whore then," said Hermione, who had been looking impressed up until that statement. "Where did you get the clothes from?"

"The guy who stayed last night," said Toni, matter of factly.

"Who was that then?"

"How the hell should I know?" Hermione was about to retort when Toni cut across again, "and they look a damn sight nicer than that old crap he was wearing earlier."

Hermione opened her mouth, but then shut it and nodded fairly.

Harry was wearing black skinny jeans and blue Converses. A black belt with a silver buckle hung around his waist and the bottom of his tight t-shirt, through which you could see a few curves of Harry's body.

"Plain, but hot," said Toni.

"And what about that wax?" asked Hermione.

"Getting a bit too personal there," choked out Harry, causing Toni to laugh.

"Are you wearing make up Potter?" enquired Snape.

Harry did not answer, so Toni did for him.

"Looks good doesn't it?"

Snape ignored her, he was looking closer at Harry's eye make up and the eyes behind them.

He swept over to Harry and leaned so close to his face their noses were almost touching and they were staring into each others eyes. They did not notice Toni mouth at Hermione 'I told you so' and Hermione shake her head.

Snape saw that Harry had changed his contacts they were no longer purple, but spiralled. Black spirals coming out from his pupils and turning into twisted stripes with the emerald behind them.

From far away it made you want to get closer, from this close Severus was hypnotised.

Then Harry moved and the spell was broken.

Snape backed away and said, "Very original Potter."

"Well, you guys go down to the pub; we'll catch up after I've had a cup of coffee, I need one after that," said Toni.

"I think I'd better go with them," said Hermione, "They don't know where it is."

"I'm sure they can find it. I need to talk to you about that job at ESF."

"Your job?"

"No, the job you asked me to check out for you, the one you have always dreamed of having. Remember: the desk job."

Harry could have sworn he saw Toni elbow Hermione in the ribs as she passed to turn on the kettle.

"Oh, yeah that job! I can't wait to get started!" exclaimed Hermione, a little shrilly.

Harry and Snape shot each other looks and could tell the other was thinking the same thing- 'What in the name of Merlin's left saggy ball are they on about?'

"You always wanted a job at the desk of a crap ski school then?" Snape asked Hermione with a sneer.

"My life dream," said Hermione, laughing with a pained look on her face.

And with that Harry and Snape found themselves being bundled unceremoniously out of the front door.

"Pub's that way," said Hermione, flapping her hand in a general direction and shutting the door in their faces.

They heard her call behind the door "Did you have to be so obvious Toni? They must think I'm a right loony now. 'I've always wanted an office job at ESF, been my life's dream," squeaked Hermione as if imitating an annoying little girl.

"What was that about?" Harry asked Snape.

"No idea," the older man sighed, "We can't hear them. Want to go Potter?"

"Might as well," said Harry and marched off into the night with Snape close behind.

Inside the flat

"You were the one not getting it," said Toni, "I couldn't have been more obvious if I had danced round in a chicken suit with a neon sign above my head."

"Never mind that now," said Hermione as the kettle pinged and Toni poured them coffee, "What did you want to talk about?"

"What did you find out about Snape?"

"He told me he was straight as a pencil."

"And you believe him?"

"Yes. I mean, why would he lie? He wasn't having his sexuality questioned by a naked girl shouting at him through a window this time."

"I was wearing a towel, and maybe he just wants us off his back. I don't think he wants to end up like Harry, forced into the bathroom like that. Although Harry is very hot now..." Toni trailed off.

"Why are you convinced they should be together anyway?"

"I don't know, they seem to fit and as much as they seem to hate each other now, they would be great together. And have you seen the look in Harry's eyes when he thinks no one is looking? He needs happiness and I think Severus could be the one to give it to him and there is no doubt Severus needs some serious TLC."

"TLC?"

"Tender Loving Care."

"Okay, I have to agree with you, as rare as it is. So what do we do next?"

SsSsSsSsSsSsS

Toni pushed open the door of the bar and entered, Hermione right behind her.

Hermione spotted Harry beckoning to them on the other side of the room and grabbed Toni, dragging her away from the Frenchman she had been batting her eyelashes at.

"Just stop it, for a few minutes," said Hermione, exasperatedly.

"I was seeing if he was gay! If he was he would have been perfect for the plan, - I had to check!"

"Yeah, right," sighed Hermione as they reached Harry and Snape.

"We took the liberty of ordering you drinks," said Snape.

"Trust you to say it like that," snarled Harry, then he looked at the two girls and carried on, "We weren't sure what drinks you guys would prefer so Snape took a guess,"

"A Malibu and Coke for you," said Snape, producing it with an over exaggerated flourish to Toni, "and water for you," he said, seemingly pulling a little green umbrella out of thin air and placing it in the drink as he passed it to Hermione.

"Wow, you should be a magician," said Hermione, blushing slightly.

Harry spluttered into his beer as Toni clapped him on the back.

"Alright there Harry? Got to survive till the party,"

"What party?" came Harry's shocked gasp and Snape's snide sneer.

"Happens every Friday, we have a little party. Last time it was awesome, someone spiked the bar maid's drink and she was so pissed she emptied all her Vodka bottles onto us while we were dancing."

"Yes, it was totally awesome when the barmaid passed out while dancing on the table, fell off and split her head," said Hermione sarcastically.

"Regardless," said Toni, flapping Hermione away with a hand.

Just then Harry noticed how full the pub was getting, and quite fast too.

"The Horror Show usually starts about now," Hermione whispered to him.

Just then a French girl wearing electric blue flares and a gold boob tube which clashed with her bright red hair stood on a bar stool and announced something in French to the crowd.

"What did she say?" Harry asked.

"I think she said she was going to go kill herself," said Toni.

"No, you dolt," said Hermione, fondly slapping Toni on the back of the head, "She said she was going to try and not get too pissed this week, kill herself and ruin our night, because tonight is going to be fantastic...apparently anyway," said Hermione, just loud enough for Harry to hear over the music that was gradually growing louder.

"Come on, let's dance," said Toni, grabbing Hermione's hand and pulling her onto the dance floor.

"You too Harry," said Hermione, practically dragging Harry with her.

"Fine then, there is no way that Severus is getting out of this," said Toni and putting her hands around his waist, almost bodily picked him up and carried him over to Harry and Hermione who were laughing as Snape tried to plant his feet on the floor again.

Toni plonked Severus down in the middle of the little group and began to dance around him.

Severus glared at Harry as if it had been him who had picked him up and dragged him over here.

Unnoticed by Harry and Snape Toni whispered to Hermione, 'Perfect opportunity to start plan A' as she danced past.

Hermione nodded and a sly grin crossed her lips.

"Come on Harry, dance with me," said Toni, and she grabbed him and spun him around like a top.

Toni is dancing oddly, thought Harry, she was all over the place before, but now she won't turn round. She always seems to be making sure I'm facing Hermione.

Harry saw Hermione try to coax Snape to dance a bit more, leaning close to him, pressing her body up against his, grinding almost. Whispering in his ear, rubbing her hands up the side of Snape's body...licking just below his mouth.

Wait a second, thought Harry, what the HELL is she doing?

Hermione was gazing at Snape from under her eyelashes. Harry couldn't tell what Snape was doing because he couldn't see the man's face.

He felt outraged.

Then a shout rang across the pub.

"Hey you! Yeah you, you greasy git! You were with that man- long white beard. What was his name?... Ali...Albus... you owe us a trip outside!" hHhijhi

Is it a bad cliffy? I hope not, because I don't know how long I will be leaving you dangling. I got my dates wrong. Not going to France yet, but I probably won't have time for another update before I go (for three weeks). I might be able to fit another one in...if there is a nice amount of encouragement. (Hey, I'm a Slytherin, get off my back.)

Anyway hope you like it. And thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far! Sorry to those who review but don't have an account (namely hyunyung.wigles) but I have stopped replying to people who don't have an account, as last time I did that I got a bit of a stalker. But that doesn't mean I love you less!

Thanks again to Hermione. kisses shoes you are my saviour girl. Yes, the whole world can know it

Editor: As Jiggy is on holiday now (couldn't edit fast due to guests being physically bonded to the computer) I am replying to reviews for this chapter, but they may be a little late as don't get email updates, so please be patient and I will do my best. Also do not point out things like "Snape is a Legillimens- why can't he read Herm's mind?" or anything stupid like that. I lost my good typing finger when I did that and I'm her friend