EXODUS

Chapter Eight : Shades of Grey

Disc: Not Mine

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The occupants of class B eyed each other nervously. While arguments between Natsume and Mikan is usual to the point of tradition, tension between the two of them is not.

But it was there between them, unmistakably clear to their classmates. They watched Mikan who was stubbornly staring forward in her seat across the aisle from Natsume. Her face defiant but her body posture betrayed her. Her back was bowed and her shoulders hunched forward, her hands clenched, but it was the guilty slide of her eyes that betrayed her most of all, especially when Natsume, in a rare show of weariness pressed his finger against his eyelid before tilting his head up and drifted off to sleep.

The only one oblivious to it all was the substitute teacher who is happy enough that the 'delinquents' were quiet. They watched on as Mikan turned towards Natsume, not noticing the watchful stares she was receiving. On cue, Ruka opened his mouth and raised his voice. "Imai, I demand a do over."

Hotaru lifted a brow but humored the boy for the sake of her friend. "You lost, Nogi. Deal with it."

Ruka leaned forward as Hotaru leaned back and they continued to banter from over their friend's head. "I didn't. The baka gun you gave me was defective."

Hotaru gave Ruka a bland look that was as bland as her tone. "That's male logic to you. You lost, so it must be the equipment."

Taking the hint, their friends shifted their eyes from the royal pair and minded their own business in hopes that without them watching, both of them will be able to swallow their pride and settle things like they always do. Mikan returned her eyes to the gleaming surface of her table while Natsume continued to sleep though the line between his brows said otherwise.

He looks tired, Mikan sneaked a glance then mentally kicked herself, of course he's tired. He just came back from a three day mission and had to save my butt again. But how do I repay him? She pouted. But I didn't do anything wrong. Okay, maybe I could've handled it more discreetly. But, ooooh, the jerk just made me so mad.

The image of Natsume's angry and yes, worried face flickered in her mind and she sighed, she admitted that he's right, again.

It was only dumb luck that Jinno or any of the teachers didn't see her and if Persona found out, she knew that he would've somehow twisted the facts that it would look like it was Natsume's fault. Mikan suppressed a shudder. But then again, she had the right to be angry if someone bad mouthed her friends and Natsume was such an easy target, not too mention a frequent one.

They are just jealous…and afraid, Mikan conceded. If they only know him like I do they'll never think of those things, even if some of what they said are true.

Mikan didn't have any misconceptions or stars in her eyes when it comes to Natsume. She knows just how deep and dark Natsume 'missions' are, one only need to see him to know. If they see the wavering of his laugh or smile or the far away look in his eyes, they'll know just how much his missions affect him. If they see the flicker of guilt in his eyes every time he felt even a moment of happiness as though he thought as if he didn't deserve it because of all of the bad things he'd done. If they only see the naked terror in his eyes after he screamed himself out of a nightmare.

Whenever she smelled the sweat that mingled with the musky odor of sweat and fire on him in class, that's when she knew that it was a particularly bad one that he didn't want to return to the solitude of his room and underlining his calm demeanor and the scent of smoke, would be the coppery scent of blood.

It spoke one thing to her: assassination.

She figured it would be one thing to take down a building. But it'd be something else to stare at the person's eyes and watch the light fade away from it.

Sometimes her anger battled with her sadness. And her frustrations warred with her guilt. She wanted to yell at him for being so noble, wanted to wrap her arms around him to ease his sufferings. And she wanted to smack him over the head for being so blasé about self sacrificing.

But she couldn't do all that because she knew he found meaning in doing those things. But she selfishly wants him to be selfish once in a while, at the very least in one small part of his life will do. But selfish was just not part of the boy's vocabulary, just as 'sit pretty while the strong man protects you' is in hers.

She didn't do anything wrong, she is sure of that. She pressed her lips tight and tucked the bangs that had been hiding the bruise behind her ear, exposing it to the world. She doesn't care if everyone will gawk at it, it wasn't something to be ashamed and she'll show everybody that she wasn't. To her it was similar to a badge of honor, just like the scars on Natsume body.

It was a sign that she was brave enough to do something to protect her friend. He sneaked another glance towards Natsume whose frown was getting deeper.

If only she can get him to understand that. She was only following his example after all. Her heart flopped down to her stomach as she realized that that probably will not give him any comfort. She blinked when Natsume rubbed his eyes again and realized that his eyes were probably as tired as the rest of him. A stab of guilt entered her heart again, remembering her part in keeping him awake. She remembered the delicate white handkerchief she had in her bag and the cooling gel she bought from Konoko to battle the summer heat. She fished those things out and got herself to work.

Natsume was suspended between sleep and wakefulness, it annoyed him to no end. Not to mention, his eyes felt hot and itchy. It added to his bad mood.

Mikan's puppy eyes and stubborn chin didn't help at all, his frown only deepen as every time a soft comforting breeze blew his way, his traitorous nose reveled in the lavender softness of her scent. The frown lost to a scowl when the gentle aroma thickened around him. He was so focused on that he realized only too late that someone was behind him, but his instincts relax when he sensed who it was while his body tensed with the knowledge.

But he couldn't hold back the sigh when he felt something cool and soft was placed on his eyes, easing the uncomfortable sensation on them. Equally gentle hands pressed the cloth so it followed the curve and dips of his eye lids and the bridge of his nose, prolonging contact.

She didn't say anything as she felt her fingers combed his bangs back from his face, brushing over his cheekbones and forehead and along the strands of his lengthening hair, taking away his discomfort. He felt his tense muscles relaxed inch by inch under her hands and he wanted time to stop. But when her fingers touched his left ear, the throbbing sensation there snapped him awake, he relaxed when with a mumbled apology, she took her hands away, mistakenly taking his sharp reaction was because he didn't want her to touch him. Natsume toyed with the idea of letting her stay on thinking that but he realized he couldn't when he heard the tremble in her voice.

He caught her hand and pulled at it gently. He didn't let go until he felt her plopped on the empty seat. He can sense her confusion but she stayed anyway, even though they still had things to talk about, and problems to sort out, it almost felt all right again.

Natsume almost smirked when he felt the class released a collective giant breath of relief. He didn't kid himself, they were still going to fight about this but as he basked in her presence, his body finally surrendering its battle against weariness, he couldn't help but feel the squeezing sensation in chest lessen.

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Natsume eyed the insanity, hilarity and down right stupidity as his classmates splashed and horsed around in the huge indoor swimming pool. He watched as Koko dunked Kitsuneme and Monchu that retaliated with dragging him with them into the water. He frowned when Koko flail around but eased back from his leaning position when the mind reader surfaced with a grin.

Most of the time, because of the life they lived, he forgot that they were indeed thirteen years old. Maybe because at such a young age they've already learned and lived by rules and teachings that normal people don't usually get until they are much, much older. Like living apart from your parents, learning to amplify your powers, trying to find new uses for it every day, doing your best because that's the only thing that can assure your safety and comfort. Taking control of your life and depending only on yourself. The students of Alice Academy learn at a young age exactly how the world works.

Quid pro quo.

Nothing is free.

Scratch my back and I scratch yours.

There is a price for everything.

The value of sacrifice.

These are words you usually hear and understand when you get out from your little bubble and step into the real world but in the academy, they learn to ether live by it or get rule by it as soon as they step their feet through the gates that clanged shut behind them.

But they do it anyway, they trudge along, they move on.

For some, it is a matter of pride, some it is a matter of stability, some times it is a matter of monetary concerns while for others, it is a matter of simply not having anywhere else to go or not knowing anything else to do.

In short, because they are trapped, but as Natsume had learn, you can carve a small haven even when you're in hell. Something else that you usually learn when you're already an adult, not a child of ten.

Home is where the heart is and what not.

The human mind's perspective is a wonderful thing while the human heart is another thing altogether. Who would've though that a stray cat like him can find comfort in his trap, though that didn't mean he was domesticated.

The academy may not be exactly paradise.., It surprised him to hear those words from Mikan's mouth but although he always call her baka, it doesn't really mean that she actually is stupid. The girl has always been surprisingly perceptive and aware. When he heard those words, he found himself wanting to ask, "You're not happy here?"

The though that she isn't and only pretended to be, the possibility that he was so caught up with how she makes him feel that he didn't see her unhappiness…but then, he realized that she probably wasn't referring to her life but to his, to Hotaru's, to Ruka's and all the students that was trapped into the academy. Then again, Natsume knew that things can be so much worse.

He spread his eyes and observed the laughing faces of his friends, he knew several countries, private or government organizations that will do anything in their power to get their own personal Alice User and all of his classmate's powers are strong and exotic enough to be targeted. There they will treated like weapons and tools, not as human beings, not as children. At least here, they all have each other and he'll do anything to keep them together.

Ruka nudged Mikan when he observed that the girl was staring at Natsume, vaguely understanding why she was staring. He leaned and whispered to her, "It's his scars."

Mikan frowned, "Is that why he's wearing a T shirt?"

Ruka nodded. "He's probably going to swim when it gets dark."

She tore her eyes from the boy and looked at Ruka's gentle eyes. "He's still mad at me."

Ruka sighed. "You can't really blame him, Sakura. Even I'm mad at you."

Her morose face looked crestfallen. "You're mad at me, too?"

Ruka hardened his heart against the niggling sensation in his chest. "He's right. You shouldn't have picked a fight with Doumoto and...it's not that you did something wrong.." He scratched his head and when his blue eyes shifted to the bruise on her cheek, something like pain washed over his face. He lifted a hand and turned it, palm up. "You got hurt."

The bitterness that Mikan felt disappeared at the miserable look on Mikan's face and the quiet tone of his voice. You got hurt, he said as though that explained everything.

Her shoulders hunched with guilt and understanding. For someone who is a born protector like Natsume-kun, he will not take it lightly that he was protected by someone he is protecting. He just doesn't understand that I want to protect him too because he doesn't feel like he needs it.

Mikan nodded and Ruka smiled and patted her shoulder. "Come on. Let's drag Imai to the slides and drown her."

Mikan snorted.

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Natsume shifted his head to the side and took a deep breathe before he turned and glided in the water. He swims like he does everything else, with a quiet grace unnatural for his young age and strength barely repressed.

He didn't part the water, the water parted for him. When he reached the shallow part of the pool, he stopped and stood, slicked back his mass of wet hair and calmed his breathing as he took in the glint of starlight through the fiber glass roof of the indoor swimming pool.

The place was dark and deserted, just the way he liked it. His friends were outside, eating their bento and enjoying each others company.

Footsteps interrupted his solitude but he kept his gaze up and didn't bother to look. He already knew.

"Natsume-kun. I bought you dinner."

Mikan eyed the boy who ate his food with mechanical movements as though his mind was not quite there.

It annoyed her.

It annoyed her even more that he still haven't talked to her even though she already apologized more times than she care to count.

It also worried her because Natsume wasn't the type to keep a grudge, at least not when it comes to his friends and the fact that she was worrying over it also annoyed the hell out of her.

When he put down his chopsticks and without so much as a glance, he slid down the edge of the pool and slipped back into the water, she scowled. " You're not allowed to swim after you just ate."

Her warning was ignored.

"Natsume-kun. Will you please stop? If you're mad than be mad, just stop..being so quiet."

He merely waded through the water like she haven't said a word. Seriously, I open my mouth, words come out but, Mikan huffed, and he tells me I don't listen?

"Fine, be like that. See if I care. " She turned away and dug her chopsticks into her rice with more force than was necessary, gobbling her food like she hadn't eaten in days.

"...granted."

Her head came up from her hunched position and she swallowed hard. "Huh?"

She turned saw him, standing with his back towards her drenched in shadows and moonlight that glinted on his wet skin like crushed stars, highlighting his lean silhouette and the rippling surface of the water.

Mikan though that the soothing moonlight suited him just as the swirls of sakura petals. So ridiculously beautiful.

"You take my presence for granted."

Mikan choked on air at the unfairness of the accusation. "I do not. I'm always glad you here, Natsume-kun. I thought you knew."

The sigh was as soft as it was regretful and Mikan put down her bento, her legs that was dipped into the water shifted slightly as she turned completely towards him.

"I do. I didn't mean to imply...I didn't mean it that way."

"Then what do you mean?"

He shifted his weight, just a little, enough that Mikan can see the curve of his cheek and the clean lines of his jaw. "You take it for granted that I will always be here."

Mikan tensed, she couldn't help it as her heart knotted in worry. "I noticed that you're missions are longer.."

"That's not what I mean."

Suddenly the shadows were too dark and the sound of water was too foreign to her ears. "I don't-"

"I won't always be here to watch your back and I'm not only talking about when I go to missions. You have to learn to think twice before you act and to look before you jump. The higher ups to watching us even closer then before, waiting for you and I to make the wrong move at the right time." He finally turned, his red eyes glowed with dark secrets and even darker thoughts. "And I won't always be here to protect you.
She knew what he was trying to say and she didn't want to talk about it, not when there is so much distance between them and too much darkness to hide in.

Not to mention the thought of Natsume's absence from her life. He is such a big part of her life now that even the thought of it was painful to her. "I don't need your protection."

The calm and sure tone of his voice infuriated her. "Yes, you do." The sad smile on his lips made her want to cry. "Look at you, one need to only look at your face to find out what you're thinking. You shouldn't be here, thinking about conspiracies and evil plots, you should be at your village with your jii-chan."

"I'm where I want to be."

"Just because you don't know any better."

She glared at the mocking tone of his voice. "Stop treating me like a child who doesn't know anything."

"But you are. You're a little girl who is in way over her head. A little girl who believes that everything will be alright as long as she doesn't give up. The world doesn't work that way."

"I know that." It wasn't the quiet tone of her voice that stopped his condescending speech, it was the sadness in her eyes. "If it did. Hotaru and Subaru-senpai will still be with their parents. Yuu will be able to play with his sister just as our other friends will live a normal life with their families. If the world worked the way I wanted it to, my parents would've kept me, just as your family would still be with you and all of us will be happy." She smiled then. "Happy and oblivious of each other."

She lifted one of her feet, her damn skin felt cool in the air and she watched the water glided down her leg. "If the world worked the way it should, I would have never met Hotaru, Jii-chan, Konoko, Koko, Sumire, Anna, Ruka and you." Amber eyes lifted to crimson. "Is it selfish of me to be glad that it didn't?"

Mikan smiled tentatively when Natsume finally turned completely to face her. "Selfish no. Stupid, yes."

It could've come out as an insult if it was said in an annoyed or irritated tone, but the words came out as a whisper, it drifted in the air; a soft wonderment of pleasure and wistfulness.

"If what I have now is because I'm stupid than I'd rather be stupid than smart."

"You'd be singing a different tune when it's time for exams."

Mikan giggled and busied herself with their empty bento. "Probably but I'm glad I met all of you and I don't regret the things I've gone through or the things I've done."

She blinked when she felt a damp hand on her cheek, she didn't hear him move closer. She realized that he was tracing the edges of her darkening bruise. "Not even this?"

He still haven't look her in the eyes, Mikan turned towards him when he sighed the question. "Does it hurt?"

Mikan lifted her hand to his chest where a lot of scars marred his skin, inching dangerously close to his heart. "Does these?"

He opened his mouth to say 'no' but what came out was 'some times'. He felt her hand stopped just at the spot over his heart and his heart greeted her touch as he leaned into it, wanting to tangle himself around her and lose himself, just for a little while, imagining how it would feel to have what he shouldn't. What he couldn't. Just a little while to dream of what could be.

His body curved towards her, not touching, following her silhouette. "Mikan-"

"You should by now. I can't stay at the sidelines and watch you hurt."

"Not even if I ask you?"

"Not even if you beg."

"Really? Not even if I beg?"

Mikan scoffed. "You'd die before you beg. You're Hyuuga Natsume after all."

"I'll do it if you'll say yes."

Mikan tensed. "That's not funny, Natsume-kun."

"Since when have I like to joke around?"

She eyed him, confused. "You just want to mess with my head."

"Apparently you've underestimated me."

"In what way?"

"In what I'll do to keep my friends safe."

"Natsume-kun-"

"I need you." Dark lashes covered dark red ruby eyes that glinted brightly even in the darkness. "...to be safe. I need to concentrate and I can't if you keep jumping into fights the way you did this morning."

Mikan scowled at him. "That's a low blow."

"It's the truth. I can't keep having you distracting me with your inability to control your temper. You know how every one thinks of you as my responsibility. If you get into trouble it's me that go to." Which is what I told them to do, but she doesn't need to know that. "I can't concentrate with them yapping in my ear or with Imai threatening me with her baka gun or Ruka with his sighing and moping around for that matter."

Natsume turned away. "And you walking around with bruises doesn't help either." He turned back when her shoulders hunched, he knew that he won this time. "Al right?"

"Fine."

"Promise me."

She pressed her lips together and eyed him mutinously and he narrowed his eyes. "Mikan."

"I promise." Her mouth softened when he brushed the back of his fingers on her bruised cheek. She felt the heaviness of his heart when his eyes settled on her face. Before she knew it, her hand lifted by itself to return the gesture and was caught of guard by the pleasure she saw in his face, but like all the times when he was touched by happiness, a degree of guilt and a perpetual sadness followed not a second after, so she kept her hand there, brushing softly until his eyelids slid closed and he leaned into the touch. Searching for the one thing only she can give him. Peace.

Persona watched at the two silhouette that merged as one underneath starlight and the moonbeams, surrounded by the soothing sounds of water. His eyes gleamed underneath his mask, his mind turning a mile a minute, thinking of ways on how to make this scene turn into his advantage.