He heard the whisper of fabric first. Then the hum of machines. Where was he? His eyes opened. They felt gritty and swollen. What? OK, he was in the infirmary. Again. Why? Everything rushed back and he closed his eyes again.

"Now, Rodney, I know you're awake." Carson gently grasped his hand. "You should eat something. The mess prepared a lovely almost-meat loaf. And we have cake."

He looked around the infirmary. No one there but a few nurses, Carson and himself. "Everyone made it back OK, I see."

"Yes, and they will visit soon." Carson pursed his lips. "You need to talk to Kate, son."

"Of course." He sighed. Some things never changed. "I suppose she has to approve my leaving the infirmary."

"Well, in cases like these..." Carson trailed off. "She was pretty angry that I let you go off-world so soon."

"Cases like these? Rape and torture, or drug addiction and kidnapping?" Rodney was angry. "What makes you both think she can help? Hmm?"

"Rodney, I know you dislike seeing her, but I can't let you go unless she believes you can safely leave." Carson paused, looking uncomfortable. "She's just worried about your state of mind."

"Oh, what? She thinks I'm going to be suicidal?" Rodney waved his hand. "If I managed all this time without doing it, why would I do something so stupid now?"

"I don't think that's it exactly. I know you think you're fine, but you're not. You don't like to be touched, you can barely stand to be around more than one or two people, and you've been having panic attacks frequently." Carson wrinkled his forehead. "And that's not counting the physical reminders."

"Physical reminders. You mean the bruising and whatnot. Well, those will heal, and so will the rest of me if I can just go back to work!"

"Not until you've seen Kate." He held up his hand. "I'm not discussing this again. I don't want to physically restrain you, but you aren't ready to leave here, yet."

"Fine." Rodney hated the sulky tone in his voice, but he was just itching to get out of here. Didn't Carson see that it was like being chained to the cave/hut wall? "When do I get visitors?"

Carson looked over his shoulder and one of his nurses nodded. "You overdid it today, and I don't want you overtired. So I think just one, for now."

Sheppard came strolling into the infirmary. "Hey, it's about time you woke up."

Something tight inside him loosened. "That's right, because it's not like I had to work hard to rescue you or anything. Do you know how hot the sun on that planet was? No, you don't, because you were stuck in a cave."

"Yeah, thanks for that, by the way." He sat on the chair. "So, Lorne tells me some kids rescued you?"

"What? Oh, that's just so- No, I rescued myself. The kids just fetched Major Lorne." Rodney scowled. "And anyways, it's a good thing I did. Radek would have taken days to figure out a way to lower that shield. You'd have run out of air by then."

"I get it, already." John clasped his hands in his lap and leaned forward. "I want you to know we'll all, uh, be there for you. If, you know, you need... to talk.. or something?"

Rodney gaped at him for a second. "Why would you think I need to talk?"

"Well, geez, I don't know, maybe the fact that you were held prisoner and tortured? Maybe the fact that you were half dead? Or addicted to that enzyme?" Sheppard tilted his head to the side. "We went back to the planet, you know, but we couldn't find any sign of you. We kept searching the addresses stored in the DHD, though. We didn't leave you behind." He stopped, seemingly not having more to say.

"Ah, well, I didn't think you did. I thought you were dead."

"Really? Oh. Is that good or bad?"

"Um, I don't know." He didn't know how he'd have felt if he'd believed they had left him, what he might have done. On the other hand, mourning the loss of most of his family, well, that hadn't been pleasant, either. They shared a minute of silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

They both shifted as a nurse came in to check Rodney's vitals. He listened as Sheppard explained what had happened. They'd been captured, and finally escaped on a different dart. He gave him a rundown on all that had happened on Atlantis while he was gone- "Caldwell was a Goa'uld?" Rodney told him about the planets he'd been taken to. He didn't mention anything done to him. John had barely taken his eyes from him.

"So, the bruises don't look too bad, now." John said slowly.

"They still hurt. And my knee, God, I don't want to walk for a long time, unless it's to the lab. And my shoulder is killing me." He didn't say anything about any other injuries. But of course, he's the most unlucky man in two galaxies.

"Ronon thinks they...abused...you in a, ah, more intimate way?"

"You did not discuss this with Ronon!"

"Well, he brought it up. I just thought, you know, you should know you don't have to hide anything or whatever." Sheppard shrugged, looking extremely uncomfortable. "If you freak out-"

"You think I'm going to freak out over what, exactly?" Rodney felt his face getting red. "Do you think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown now that I'm safe? Or maybe I'll lock myself in a lab and slowly go insane? Crying and running from all the wonderfully horribly things the Pegasus galaxy has to offer?"

"I only meant," the soldier said slowly and emphatically, "that we can help you and you don't have to worry that we'll be weird with you if you get flaky."

"Flaky. Flaky?" Rodney shifted higher in the bed.

John winced. "I told Teyla she should do this."

"You talked to Teyla about this, too? What, did you send a newsletter out? Tell everyone over the PA, 'Doctor Rodney McKay was torture and raped. Be nice so he doesn't lose it?' " His voice became quiet. "Who else knows."

"Rodney, we're your friends."

"Who else?"

"Carson, Elizabeth, me, Ronon, Teyla, and uh, I think Radek and Lorne."

"Oh. Well of course Carson, and he'd have to tell Elizabeth." His mind ran through everything. "Since my pants were almost around my ankles, I imagine Lorne would know. Probably the marines with him. Ronon already thinks there's something wrong with me-"

"What the hell? Rodney, stop. Now. There is nothing wrong with you. Well, at least not that way." John glared at him. "What I mean is, no one thinks anything bad about you. Maybe you're not easy to get along with, and you belittle people all the time..."

Rodney stared at him. "Is that supposed to reassure me?" Then barely a whisper, "Are they going to send me back to Earth?"

"What? Where would you- No. I've talked to Elizabeth about this. She already sent a memo to General O'Neill telling him that if they try to take you back, they'll have an international incident on their hands." He let out a breath. "God, I'm so sorry we lost you."

"I wasn't lost. I was taken. Not the same."

"Yeah, but it was my job to keep you safe, and I didn't. Then I couldn't find you."

"Well, not that I don't wish you had, but that's just stupid. You are not responsible for what the crazy men did."

"You weren't, either."

Rodney watched John closely. He didn't seem to look at Rodney any differently than before. Maybe there was more guilt, but no disgust. "Well, as for the whole talking thing? I have to talk to Kate. So you're off the hook."

"Oh, well, that's good then." John finally looked away. "We're good, right?"

"Yes. Now please shuck the mantle of guilt you wear so well, and see if you can bring me my laptop. And cake." Rodney knew he wasn't good, but he and John were, so that was...good.

000000000

It was two days before Rodney finally left the infirmary. They let him go back to the labs after two weeks. He still flinched away from sudden movements, and he wasn't comfortable around too many people. Contrarily, he was also afraid to be alone. Carson and Kate were frustrated by his unwillingness to talk about the rapes. He skirted around that issue, though he did talk about Big, Mean and Ugly. They grew increasingly exasperated with his stubborn refusal to admit that he was emotionally scarred. He hated that. Rodney hated his sessions with Kate. She kept pushing him to express his feelings. As if that would make it all better.

And anyway, it wasn't as if he really thought it was his fault. He didn't feel guilt, not really. Certainly in the beginning, he was ashamed, and thought that he had been diminished somehow. And granted, he had been very worried that what happened had somehow been visible to everyone.

But his team was amazing. Ronon made sure he wasn't crowded. He even helped with difficult task like cutting his meat and made sure he had an extra dessert. And he made Rodney feel safe. He loomed in the background, sending that feral 'Don't come near us or I'll eat you' glare to everyone who wasn't on his 'OK people' list. Teyla made sure Rodney took care of himself, nagging- er, gently reminding him to eat, and telling Carson when he was exhausted from lack of sleep.

John kept him grounded. Surprisingly, he was the easiest company. Sometimes they would sit on a balcony and just stare at the night sky. They didn't talk often, but he let Rodney know he wasn't alone.

He gradually began to relax (as much as Rodney ever relaxed) and stopped noticing when the lab was full of scientists. After the first major crisis- one of the idiots who got his engineering degree by mail had mistyped the energy output parameters and caused an overload to a naquada generator- they had their first team movie night since he came back. He fell asleep, head resting on Sheppard's arm.

It was eight months later that Kate had finally cleared him for gate travel. They were going to visit a planet who'd sent out a call through their gate. Apparently, they were living in an Ancient city and had a shield. Taranis. One of the only planets advanced enough to use Ancient technology. Rodney was looking forward to meeting their scientists and getting the chance to look at the technology. Life was good.

the end