Well, this chapter is uh...Kinda...random. I started with a good idea and central point, but then I just got completely off track and then ended up just ending it because I was tired of it.

I didn't laugh even once while writing it.

That is just sad.

Anyway, it's time! Read and please don't kill me because of the crappiness.

Disclaimer: Alas, I have wasted many birthday wishes, but I still don't own SHIT.

The man looked around, making sure no one was around or spying. When trying to sneak into a building full of people who were more than capable of murder, you had to be careful.

He saw no one, so using his amazing ninja skills, he hopped the fence and snuck around the grounds until he found his destination- the window of a certain inhabitant of the place.

With one last quick glance around, he opened the window and hopped in.

Now, to the average person, it would appear to be the room of a fifteen year old human male. There were clothes scattered across the floor and hanging of the back of the desk chair. There were papers covering said desk, along with some pictures and several scrolls. Also weapons and such were scattered around, and there was a faint smell of Axe deodorant around the room.

As I said, a fifteen year old boy's room.

But guess what?

It wasn't.

It was actually a secret lair, where terrible things happened and seldom few entered and lived to tell the tale. A place where people were tortured, evil plans were made, where a dark creature lived, a creature that was often called demon spawn or a monster.

It was Hyuuga Neji's room.

Few were brave enough to enter, but the man who just landed after jumping through the window was not afraid. Not one bit.

His name is Miato Gai.

Gai looked at the sleeping boy at on the bed, face down, sprawled out like an X and snoring ever so slightly. After several minutes of observation, making sure he was not to wake any time soon, he reached out a careful hand and plucked out a strand of his long, black hair.

Neji gave a small grunt and Gai froze. After a few moments, the soft snoring started again.

Gai exhaled. He would live to see another day.

He gently reached out and plucked another hair, and repeated the process a few times until he had a decent amount of hair, from pulled all over his head as not to create a bald spot.

He then looked around for any other objects of interest.

After about half an hour, he had an assortment of Neji's items, the ones he thought Neji wouldn't miss or notice. This included some of his famous tape, a kunai of his, a nearly empty can of Axe deodorizing spray, a pair of his boxers, a page ripped from his journal, and some of his hair ties.

But he needed something more, something Neji had used recently.

He raked his mind, trying to figure out what he could take, looking around the room. Then, it came to him- one of Neji's undershirts.

He picked up one randomly off the back of his chair and wondered if it was used or not.

There was only one way to find out.

He sniffed it.

Gai just stood there for a second with the shirt held to his nose, then his eyes went wide, his face turned green and he started to gag.

"Eww!" He screamed, moving the shirt as far away from him as his arm allowed.

"Damn, that is nasty! What is wrong with boys these days? I'm sure I didn't smell this bad!" Gai yelled, his eyes watering.

"Mmm…Gai-sensei?"

Gai looked over to see a half conscious Neji.

"What are you doing?"

"Umm…"Gai thought quickly. Maybe it was best just to tell the truth…

"I'm stealing some of your stuff to sell to your fangirls."

"Ohhh…"Neji said, then went back to sleep.

Gai just blinked, shrugged, and hopped out the window.

-In some dark ally-

Gai snuck down, looking around, making sure no one was looking as he knocked on a door that was unnoticeable to the naked eye.

A small little window opened. "What's the password?"

Gai looked around then whispered, "Ecky Ecky ding dong pogasnuka furweper Neji is great."

The window closed and the door opened.

Gai quickly snuck in before the door slammed behind him.

A whole bunch of girls looked up at him and squealed. "Gai! Did you bring the stuff?"

Gai chuckled. "Yeah I got it. And, I have a special item today!"

They all went Oooo… and looked up in wonder.

Gai plugged his nose and reached into the bag, pulling out Neji's shirt.

"Wow!" All of the girls screamed.

"And it hasn't been washed since the last time he wore it!" Gai yelled.

"Prove it!" One girl right next to him said.

He simply held it out for her to smell. She took one whiff and then keeled over, dead.

Everything was silent, then all of the girls held out money for Gai to take.

Gai chuckled as he grabbed the money, handing out all of Neji's belongings.

-The next morning-

Gai counted the money, a frown on his face.

Now, he was making about a thousand dollars a night, make no mistake, but he still wanted more.

He's a greedy little fugga.

But what to sell? Prices were going down in the Neji market. His hair was going to down to $50 a strand, his clothes were down to an average of $60 an item, even his diary was only selling for $130!

He needed something…new. Something that they didn't already have. That was the problem. They already each had a decent chunk of his hair, some of his clothes, and his journal was just boring. It probably had something to do with the fact that the only thing he ever wrote about was training. Gai new he had a life outside of it, but he never seemed to write it down.

He should have his own T.V. show Gai thought. He would gladly sit down every night for an hour just to see what Neji did with his life when he wasn't around him.

Maybe he could kidnap Neji…

And sell him to his fangirls!

Miato Gai, you are genius.

-The Next Morning-

"Hmmm… I seem to be running out of underwear…" Neji muttered as he dug through his torture chamber of a hovel, trying to find clothes to wear for the day. He was currently only in the overly large T-shirt he wore when he slept. He had already taken of the sweatpants he also wore.

But then he heard a little creak from behind. Which could only mean one thing-

Someone dared to enter his room.

Without permission.

They must PAY.

He quickly grabbed the kunai from atop his dresser and whirled around to face the intruder.

But before he could see who it was, he felt a sharp blow to the top of his head and he spiraled down into dreamland…

Gai chucked evilly as he picked him up and threw him over his shoulder.

"What's going on in here?"

Gai turned around to see Neji's uncle.

"Uhh…I'm kidnapping your nephew so I can sell him and get money for my own greedy purposes?" He replied nervously. He had many a time seen scars on Neji that came from this evil being.

"So…let me get this straight. Your taking him and selling him." Hiashi repeated slowly.

Gai gave a nervous nod.

"And he's not coming back?"

Gai nodded again.

Silence.

"Yes, thank you!" Hiashi screamed, dropping to his knees and kissing Gai's feet.

"We've been trying to get him out for years! But we're too afraid!" He rambled on, sobbing into the floor which might actually not be there under all the crap.

"Thank you, you are our Messiah…" He said, still sobbing.

Gai slowly backed out and climbed out the window.

Something was seriously wrong with the Hyuuga…

-At the training grounds-

Tenten sighed.

This was so…boring.

It was Lee's moms birthday, so he wasn't going to be here today, but where were Neji and Gai-sensei? Usually they were never late…

But then she heard heavy, fast footsteps coming.

"Finally…" She muttered as she looked up.

And saw a very strange, and slightly disturbing, sight.

Gai was running at her while carrying an unconscious Neji over his shoulder who was wearing only an overly large T-shirt.

"Sorry we're late, I was acquiring a new item for the Neji market." Gai said, dropping Neji quit painfully to the ground.

Tenten simply stared, mouth agape.

"Is there something wrong?" He asked, worried.

Tenten simply stared some more.

"..I think I know what it is." He said, in a wise voice.

"…" Tenten couldn't think. Her brain was currently screaming DOES NOT COMPUTE.

"Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. Even though you are only fourteen, this is a wonderful opportunity. I'm sure you and Neji will raise a wonderful child." He said in a sage-like voice.

This snapped Tenten out of her current vegetated state.

"What?" She screeched.

"Well, Tenten, it is quit clear that you are pregnant, and that Neji is the father. However, if you want him, it'll cost $1000."

Tenten stared at him. "You're trying to sell me Neji?"

"Yes. Either that or he gets sold to his fangirls." Gai replied in a business like voice.

"…But I'm not pregnant, and he's not the father because there is nothing to father." Tenten said, still confused.

"Oh, we'll see about that." Gai said, chuckling evilly.

-Later, outside Gai's bathroom-

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" A shrill scream could be heard miles away.

Tenten slammed open the door to look at Gai.

"This can't be right!" She said, holding one of those pregnancy stick things, which was blue.

"See I told you…" Gai said evilly.

The truth was that if it turned blue, you weren't pregnant, but she didn't need to know that.

"I can't believe it…" Tenten said, in shock. "I never even slept with him!"

Gai coughed. "I heard you two in that closet when we were at the castle."

Tenten gave him a weird look.

"What are you talking about?"

"I heard you two. Now, it's nothing to be ashamed of, though a closet does seem like a pretty unromantic place to lose your vir-" Gai said, thinking a little.

"Nothing happened in that closet! All that banging was us trying to break down the door!" Tenten said.

"Now, Tenten, there is nothing wrong with fucking Neji in a tiny closet. Though he might be full of diseases…"

Tenten just stared.

"Anywho, moving on, I'll sell you Neji for $1000." Gai said, back in his business like tone.

Tenten sighed. "Tell you what, I'll give you 50 cents for him."

"Make it 25 cents and you've got yourself a deal." Gai said.

"Fine." Tenten said, pulling a quarter out of her non-existent pocket.

"Score!" Gai screamed, running out, slamming the door behind him.

And then came right back in.

This was his house.

-With Lee-

"Happy birthday Mom!" Lee yelled, looking at the rock.

"I can't believe you're 2 million years old today! Granite sure does last long…"

-With Neji and Tenten-

Neji groaned as he sat up.

Or at least, tried to.

And saw Tenten's angry face hovering above him.

"I'm pregnant!"

"…!"

"Yeah, and guess who the father is?"

"…Gai-sensei?"

WHAP.

"No, it's you dipshit!"

"…But we've never had sex! At least not that you know of…"

"WHAT?!?"
"…Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful eyes?"

Neji felt another sharp pain in his head as he was knocked out again.

-Later-

Neji woke up to see Tenten reading a book of baby names.

"Oh, hey Neji, what do you think of the name Peter? And if it's a girl, Patricia?" She asked, looking up at him and smiling.

"Uhh…" Neji was dumbfounded. Those weren't even Japanese names!

"This is so exciting! We're going to be parents!" Tenten squealed. "At first I was worried, but now I'm excited!"

"Um…Yay?" Neji said, confused. This day kept getting weirder and weirder. And where were his pants?

"But first we have to have a talk." Tenten said in a very serious voice.

Neji gulped.

"Things have to change if we're going to raise a child. You need to stop with your depressing emo shit. But before you get angry, I am changing too. I'm trying to overcome my weapons addiction. I go to a support group every Thursday night for an hour. I find it very helpful. I did some research and I found that Emos Anonymous meets every Wednesday night in a dark alleyway at eleven at night."

"…" Neji was seriously freaked out right now. He did not have any issues with emo-ism! Except for the whole everything sucks, I hate everything, everyone hates me, my family can kill me with a single thought, everyone who ever cared about me is dead, and an unhealthy obsession with death.

…

Okay, maybe she had a point.

"What makes you think your pregnant anyway?" Neji asked.

"Gai-sensei have me a pregnancy test and it came out positive." She replied.

"…Are you sure it was accurate?" He asked.

"Of course! It turned blue!" She said, in a voice that made him feel incredibly stupid.

"…I think you should take it again."

-Later-

"Oh my god, I'm not pregnant!" Tenten said in shock, stepping out of the bathroom.

Neji let out a relieved sigh. It wasn't that he didn't like kids, oh no, he loved them. He was like a natural born mother. He had even tried breast feeding a poor little baby once, not that it worked…

No, he just couldn't afford child support.

What?

You thought Hiashi didn't make Neji pay rent or for his food?

Oh no, he pays rent, for his food, his electricity bill, his water bill, and money so that Hiashi wouldn't tell anyone that his actual name is Samantha. His parents were drunk when they named him…Tragic, ain't it? Not really. I laugh at him. HA HA.

Back to the story.

"…So what now?" Tenten asked. The situation they were currently in was very awkward.

"…We go kill Gai-sensei." Neji replied. Tenten had filled him in on the whole selling-of-Neji to him.

And Gai-sensei owed him underwear, that little biznotch, he was the reason Neji had to so commando or wear dirty old underwear.

"Bit first, we have to do two things. One, you need pants. Two, since your not the father of my non-existent kid, I'm returning you." Tenten said.

Neji stared wide eyed. She would send him to his fangirls?!?

-Later-

"Gai-sensei, I want a refund." Tenten said.

Gai looked up from his big wad of money.

"Why?"

"There is no baby, so therefore there is no father, so therefore I have no reason to save Neji from his psycho fangirls."

"…Do you have a receipt?" Gai asked, reaching out his hand.

Tenten reached onto her pocket and handed him one.

Gai examined it for a few seconds, then started looking at Neji.

"Everything seems in order…" Gai mumbled as he lifted Neji's arms and behind his ears.

"Oh shit, don't look there!" Neji screeched as Gai started to look down his pants.

"Very well, here is your money." Gai said, handing Tenten her 25 cents.

"Thank you, it was a pleasure doing business!" Tenten said, then walked off.

Gai then turned slowly to look at Neji.

"So, it's just you and me, huh?" He said, chuckling evilly.

Neji gulped. Gai resembled Michael Jackson right now…

And we all know what that means.

He was a black guy who thought he was a white guy that thought he was a black girl who could sing!

Oh the horror!

I have to change the genre now to horror!

"We're going to your fangirls." He said, chuckling as he led Neji away by the hand.

Neji was seconds away from bursting into tears.

-Outside the Neji Fan club Door-

"Now listen Neji, this might seem very cruel, and you are probably asking yourself 'what have I done to deserve this?'. But Neji, think of this not as a bad thing, think of this as an opportunity to sleep with 500 girls at once." Gai said, winking at him.

Neji thought for a second. Maybe he was overreacting… I mean, 500! When else would he be able to do that? Never!

"Okay, let's do this." Neji said, a brave expression on his face.

"Well then, let's go…" Gai said, opening the door.

"NEJI!" The scream of 500 fangirls could be heard in Suna.

-In Suna-

"God damn those stupid Neji fangirls!" Gaara screeched.

"I know! That lucky biznotch gets to have sex with 500 girls at once…" Kankuro muttered. "I wonder how many people are in my fan club..."

-In some dark closet somewhere-

A lone girl waved a little flag with Kankuro's face on it.

-The next morning in Konoha-

Lee happily skipped towards his teams training grounds. He had had a wonderful day yesterday, celebrating his mom's birthday His father had even gotten them some rocks for diner!

As he entered his training grounds, he noticed several unusual things.

For one, Neji had an insane I-just-got-laid-by-500-girls-and-you-did-not-take-that-biznotch grin on his face.

Two, Gai was counting a big wad of cash in his hands. He was guessing there was at least $100000 there.

And Tenten was crying, muttering about how she wasn't pregnant.

…

Okay, maybe it wasn't that unusual.

Some questions are better left unanswered...

And there were none in this story.

Yes, Lee's mother is a rock. No, I do not know how that worked out. Actually, my friend and I have a joke that Lee's mother is Spongebob Squarepants. Look at the eyes! Do you see the resemblance?

Yes, Neji's name is Samantha. Don't ask.

No, Tenten is not pregnant, at least not in this chapter.

No, you are not that lone girl in the closet waving the flag with Kankuro's face on it.

Yes, Gaara has as many fangirls as Sam- I mean Neji, but he lacks an evil, greedy sensei to sell him to them.

Yes, Gai is the Hyuuga Messiah. All hail Gai.

Anyway, review!