Title: Progress Reports
Rating: PG
Characters: Shikamaru, Tsunade, and a special guest appearance.
Word Count: 1077
Summary: Tsunade regrets having assigned Shikamaru to investigate Orochi's nefarious plans.
Author's Notes: The humor here is a bit... different. Just to warn you, this one's not quite like the others. Also, I never promised these were gonna be drabbles, but I doubt any of them will ever clear 2000 words.

Tsunade steepled her fingers and stared across her darkened office at the young chuunin. Her eyes held a glint of impatience.

"I've been thinking about the attack on Konoha, Hokage-sama. The one during the chuunin exams. Why did the Sound ninja strike the targets they did? What was their objective?" Shikamaru fiddled with a large contraption in the center of the room, and suddenly it flared to life, projecting a bright map of Konoha Village on the white wall behind him.

"I thought their objective was obvious, Shikamaru." Tsunade barely managed to keep the irritation out of her voice.

This is so troublesome... Why am I even bothering to go through with this. Shikamaru sighed and continued. "Here, you can see where the Sound ninja attacked first." He clicked a button on a small handheld device, and red 'X'es appeared around the map, marking the locations. "If you'll notice, all the attack sites are no more than a building away from pet stores." Another button clicked, and green squares surrounded all the pet stores in Konoha. There were many more green squares than red 'X'es, however.

"You have to be kidding me..." Tsunade murmured under her breath.

"Now, clearly, there are many more pet stores than there are attacks," Shikamaru intoned apathetically. "But if we cross-reference the inventories of the pet stores for baby porcupines..." He clicked another button, and about a third of the green squares turned blue. Each of the 'X'es was very close to a blue square.

"Shikamaru..." Tsunade's voice carried the hint of a threat. "Do you really expect me to believe that Orochimaru was attacking us because of baby porcupines?"

Shikamaru sighed. The Hokage wasn't going to buy it. These briefings were such a bother. Why did Tsunade want him to look into Orochimaru's activities if she wasn't going to listen to what he came up with anyway? "Yeah, I know, it sounds far-fetched. But there are just too many coincidences. The Sound ninja attacked just after prime porcupine birthing season. We also found chocolate bars on some of the ninja we captured. It's well-known that chocolate causes porcupines to enter a more focused and active mental state. And I've been hearing rumors..."

Tsunade couldn't take it any more. This was just too much. "Shikamaru, when I asked you to look into Orochimaru's activities, I did it because I was told you could see patterns no one else saw. I did it because I was told you were an excellent strategist, and could detect plans in their earliest stages." She grabbed an inkwell off her desk and hurled it at the Chuunin's head. "I did NOT do it because I wanted you to come to me at three in the morning and lecture me about the rediscovery of lost genjustu, or failing banana crops in the Wave Country, or BABY PORCUPINES!" She was on her feet now, and gripping the edge of her desk as hard as she could to keep herself from throwing anything else.

Shikamaru shoved his hands in his pockets. "Chh. Fine. Then I don't suppose you care about the number of people in the Country of Grass with a violent allergy to porcupines. And since you're a medical ninja, I shouldn't have to remind you about all the different effects porcupine quills can have on the human body. So I guess I'll just be going. If I come up with anything else, I'll be sure to let you know, Hokage-sama." There was more than a hint of sarcasm in the chuunin's voice.

"Just get OUT! I'm going back to sleep. If you EVER wake me up again for something like this, Shikamaru…." Tsunade looked too furious to find words for all the unpleasant things she planned to do to him. "SHIZUNE! Help Shikamaru pack up his equipment and LEAVE!"

Tsunade's assistant, who had been leaning against the wall, snorted awake and mumbled something in response. Without even looking at Shikamaru, she unplugged the cables of his projector and wheeled it out of the office.

Shikamaru hung his head and slouched out into the hallway. Shizune returned to the office and closed the door.

A moment later, Tsunade swung the door open again, just so she could slam it as loudly as possible, for effect. Shikamaru felt some plaster dust fall into his hair. Was it really structurally safe for her to be doing that?

"Ahh, it's not my problem anyway. This Hokage is just more trouble than she's worth…." Dejectedly, Shikamaru slumped back toward his apartment, already thinking of new plans Orochimaru's sound ninja might be preparing.

Orochimaru yawned disinterestedly as Kabuto droned through the daily progress report on the various plans the Sound ninja were carrying forward.

"The effort to subvert the economy of the Wave Country by ruining their banana crop for the year, their chief export, seems to have gone awry. The local citizens have shifted toward harvesting coconuts, which are in abundant supply on the islands of Wave, but which have never really been brought to market as an export product before. Unfortunately, this new effort seems to be going well for the Wave citizens, and it's likely their economy will only be stronger next year, when the banana crop returns."

Yech. Coconut. Orochimaru hated coconut. "Is there any word of the porcupines yet, Kabuto?" Orochimaru's voice had its usual soft, hissing sound. Honestly, he was getting fed up with that sound. It grated on his ears, and he was ALWAYS having to listen to it. Maybe Kabuto could find some way to use those spoiled bananas as a vocal treatment? Oh, or maybe those darned coconuts! So much better if they were USEFUL for something!

"Ah, yes, the porcupines." Kabuto readjusted his glasses and smiled. "Word from our researchers is that the secret porcupine army is almost ready. We have been using our chocolate reserves to make them more… amenable… to training. Our chocolate reserves are becoming low, however, what with the porcupines and the 'Better-tasting-coffee' project. I've ordered a squad of chuunin to raid into the Wind Country and bring us some more."

Ohh, good. Wind Country chocolate was the best. Orochimaru cackled in anticipation. "And the invasion of the Country of Grass?"

"As soon as the porcupines are ready, Orochimaru-sama, we should be able to conquer the whole nation. Then we won't have any more trouble finding that shampoo you like."

"Excellent. Let me know if there are any developments, Kabuto."

I've recently acquired a controlling interest the AOL Time Warner, but they don't own Naruto, so it really doesn't change the situation inre this fanfic.