S4E13:Hiding my Heart Away
(Song title by Brandi Carlile)
MVO: The Greek poet, Homer, once said "Hateful to me as are the gates of hell, Is he who, hiding one thing in his heart, Utters another." In plain English, it pretty much means, that he hates the people, that cannot speak how they truly feel. There are moments, when I believe Homer was right to have hatred for such people. And then I realize that I am surrounded by those people.
The moonlight streamed in through the window and shined down on Derek's legs. He was still in motionless in the chair, at the front lobby. Pondering the events of the day. "If I had a dollar for every time, I saw you sitting in this chair, I would have enough money to quit my job. What's the problem this time, Dr McDreamy" she mocked sitting next to him.
"Nothing," Derek said softly. "I'm fine."
Most of the time we hide our true feelings because they are too complicated to explain.
Miranda laughed, "And that's what you say every time. Personally, I'm looking forward to tomorrow, the drama usually comes the morning after your chair pondering," Miranda stood up and squeezed his shoulder. "I'm fine, we're all fine, but that doesn't mean that something isn't wrong."
Erica walked up to Mark on the third floors, "You want to come to my place tonight?" She asked.
"I have some work to finish up," Mark made an excuse, "Tomorrow?" he struggled to smile.
We make up excuses, why we can't do the things we're asked, instead of saying why we don't want to.
"You okay?" she asked.
"Fine," he answered. She didn't press him further, she just walked away.
And sometimes the weight of our darkest thoughts and secrets, is too much to bear. So we spill them to someone unexpected and lie to our closest friends.
Meredith walked into Joe's, with an unlikely guest. At first, their entrance quited the room, then it sent it into a frenzy of whispers. Christina and Lexie both looked from Addison to Meredith, and then to Addison and then too Meredith again.
By this time, Christina was slightly drunk, "Okay is this weird?" She asked awkwardly, "I feel like its weird. Are you okay?" she asked playfully putting her hand to Meredith's forehead and then to Addison's. As if to check for a fever.
"I'm fine," Meredith said annoyed by Christina's drunken state.
"So what is this like a 'We hate Derek Shepard Club?" Christina asked laughing.
Meredith ignored Christina's drunken self, "I'm sorry I'm late Lexie," she said, "Oh, Lexie, Addison," Meredith pointed, introducing them
"You're..." Lexie didn't finish her sentence.
"McDreamy's x-wife," Christina finished it for her.
"The one tha-," again Lexie stopped realizing it was inappropriate to say.
"Slept with McSteamy," Christina finished for her again.
"And now I need a drink," Addison said. "Nice to meet you Lexie."
"So you are in town for a case?" Lexie asked curiously.
"Yes," Addison answered waving Joe over.
"Wow, I would love to work with you if you could use an intern," Lexie smiled.
"Uh, thank you but I probably won't be needing an intern," she said trying not to sound like a bitch.
Joe appeared in front of her, "Addison Montgomery, what brings you back to the Emerald city," He asked reaching to hug her. Addison stood up and hugged her.
"Oh you know," she said loudly, and then whispered, "Do not give Meredith any alcohol, even if she orders it, until I say other wise,"
"Good to have you back," Joe nodded.
"Listen, Lex," Meredith said softly, "I have some things I need to take care of, can you drive Christina home, and then we can all have breakfast together?" She asked
"Yeah, Sure," Lexie nodded.
Meredith started heading for the door, "Addison," Meredith called.
"Oh, I guess I'm leaving, Lexie nice to meet you," she nodded. "Joe, nice to see you again," she smiled waving to him and joining Meredith by the door.
Joe looked to Christina and Lexie in confusion, "What?" he asked.
"Beats me," Lexie shrugged.
"Maybe they're sleeping together," Christina laughed.
"She's drunk," Joe said pointing to Christina.
"Damn right," Christina said.
Meredith and Addison walked through the front door of Meredith's house, "Does Karev still live here?" Addison asked feeling awkward.
"Yeah, but he's on call," Meredith answered quickly. She could tell that Addison felt odd being there. "God, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you. It's just that, I didn't know who else to call."
"Don't be sorry," Addison said wondering into the living room and sitting on the couch. Meredith sat next to her, "It is Derek's baby right?" Addison asked softly.
"Yes," Meredith answered.
"Are you sure?" Addison asked.
"I haven't had sex since we-," Meredith didn't finish her sentence. Addison was surprised by that. "I shouldn't be telling you this. You don't want to hear this,"
"Meredith, Stop, I moved on, I think I moved on a long time ago," Addison explained. "But I do think Derek should have a say in this,"
"How can Derek have a say in this, he left me. He left me for some average nurse, that he hadn't known for a week. He gave up his say."
Addison's face grew serious, "I still don't think that's fair. This is his baby just as much as it is yours."
"We both know how Derek is, you know that the second he found out that I am pregnant he would come running back to me. Because Derek Shepard isn't the kind of guy that just walks away."
"The funny thing is, He is the kind of guy that walks away but he has never walked away from you, if he has, its because he is so in love with you that he doesn't want to hurt you or thinks you'd be better off with someone else. And I said is, because I know he still is in love with you. Both times he broke up with you, I think he felt like he was forced to. I know this because I was married to him for 15 years, I know him pretty well. I also know, he never loved me the way he loves you. What if this is gods way of telling you, that you are suppose to end up with him."
"He hurts me, every time I let my guard down. How can I bring a baby into a world, that I'm terrified of?"
"You're right, it's a risk but everyone is scared, Derek is terrified, I can see it in his eyes. He is terrified that he is going to end up alone. He is terrified that he made the wrong choice by choosing to leave behind what he really loved and starting something new with Rita," Addison cracked a smile, Meredith followed.
"Rose," Meredith corrected.
"I don't think that you should abort this baby without even talking to Derek. If you talk to him and you decide together to have an abortion than so be it."
"I can't talk to him," Meredith insisted. "I can barely stand in the same room without fighting with him and he is always with her."
"Oh screw, Reba," Addison laughed, "Okay I did it on purpose that time."
"I can't tell him," Meredith shrugged, "I just can't."
"Meredith, there are some risks that are worth taking. I think having this baby is one of those risks, but if you talk to him and decide together to terminate this pregnancy, then I will do it, but if you can't even try to talk to him, I won't do this," Addison stated plainly.
Callie sat on Christina's couch, painting her toe nails. There was suddenly a knock at the door. She quickly got up to answer it.
"Can I come in," George asked softly. Callie rolled her eyes. "I know you hate me. You have a right to hate me," he mumbled slightly.
Callie walked away from the door and sat on the couch, George sat next to her. "I got these in the mail today," he said handing her his unsigned divorce papers. She looked at them oddly, "I didn't sign them."
"Why?" She asked him.
"I don't know, I couldn't stop thinking about my mother and what she said and then I started thinking about my dad. I would have never got through that without you. I don't think I ever thanked you for that."
"Why are you here George?" Callie asked with a little bit of attitude.
"I'm here because..because," he hesitated. "I never loved Izzie," he shrugged. "I loved her, I still love her, shes my best friend but not like I loved you. I don't think I understood that until tonight when I held these papers in my hand and realized that I would never have you again."
"Don't do this George," Callie said firmly not looking at him.
"Callie, what if my mom is right? What if this is what's suppose to be? What if we're suppose to be together and we let life get in the way?"
"Damn it George, just go," Callie yelled. "There's no such thing as fate. There's know such thing as suppose to be. We choose our own paths and you choose to sleep with Izzie and now you have to deal with that whether it was a mistake or not. So just sign the papers," she turned away from him and waited for him to leave. After walked out of the room and shut the door, she burst into tears.
Meredith woke up to the smell of Izzie's spectacular cooking. She walked into the kitchen where Addison, Christina and Lexie were already eating.
"Good morning sleepy head," Izzie said in her cheery morning voice.
"What time is it?" Meredith asked still a little groggy.
"Ten Thirty," Izzie answered filling her plate with eggs and bacon. "Pancakes too?"
"No thanks, I'm good," Meredith answered grabbing a bite. As she did, she suddenly felt sick. Her face practically turned green and she ran from the room.
"Mer are you-"Izzie began to ask and then Addison purposely knocked her glass of orange juice off the counter to distract them from Meredith's morning sickness.
"Oh god, I'm sorry," Addison said. Lexie realized she did it purposely and gave her a face.
Derek walked into Tara Kings room, a 32 year old car accident victim who came in the night before. They nearly declared her brain dead, but she woke up talking but could not move her legs.
"How are you feeling today Tara?" Derek asked walking into his patients room
"Still can't feel my legs and I can't get anyone to give me the gossip on you and the dirty blonde chick," She smiled devilishly, "So, not very good."
"There is no gossip," Derek's face was instantly more serious.
"Woah, if you actually wanted me to believe that, you should have said it without the brokenhearted bitterness." Tara laughed.
"Mrs. King, we haven't got your CT results yet, but the MRI doesn't look good," he explained softly.
"Okay," Tara breathed deep. "What does that mean?"
"I don't know yet." Derek said flatly
"Well come back when you know." Tara demanded.
Derek walked out of the room and sat in the chair by the nurse station. "Hi," Rose said cheerily.
"Hi," Derek said not looking up at her.
"You okay?" she asked.
"Fine," Derek answered nonchalantly.
"Good," She said touching his shoulder. "I brought you some lunch," Rose smiled.
"Thanks," Derek said taking the salad.
"Are you sure your okay?" Rose pried. "You've seem kind of down lately."
"It's just weird having Addison in town." He admitted.
"Is it weird that she's here, or is it weird that she's spending so much time with Meredith?" Rose asked through bites of salad.
"What?" Derek asked, "What are you talking about?"
"Addison and Meredith, they're like the new Christina-Meredith, Don't you listen to gossip around here?" Rose asked.
"No, I see that you do."
"I'm a scrub nurse, its in our job description," Rose admitted. "Anyway, they have been working on some kind of secret case together, no one knows much about it except the chief. They have been inseparable since the second Addison got back."
"Hmm," Derek pretended like he didn't care, eating his salad.
"Oh and I also have," Rose said filtering through her stuff, "Mrs. King's CT results."
Derek took them out of Rose's hand and walked away from her to go read them.
"Okay? Just walk away." Rose said to herself.
Meredith and Addison rode up the elevator. "I have to work on my other case," Addison said.
"You have another case?" Meredith asked.
"Yah, I was just assigned it today. Someone heard I was back in town. I haven't even read through the chart yet, you are welcome to help if you'd be interested."
"I have a few cases of my own to work on, but thank you." Meredith smiled. The Elevator doors opened Addison walked off backwards.
"Tell him," she said not knowing he was getting on the elevator as she got off. Meredith's eyes got wide.
"Dr. Grey," Derek nodded.
"Dr. Shepard," Meredith answered.
"Mrs. King, is not going to need surgery after all." Derek stated.
"Why?" Meredith asked not looking at him.
"Because there is only a 5 percent chance she will survive the surgery. It's not worth the risk. She can live for the next 25 years or more in a wheel chair." Derek stated. The elevator doors opened.
"Or she could take a risk, have the surgery and live for the next 30 years on her feet." Meredith stated and walked out of the elevator. As she got out she realized that she should be taking her own advise. She turned back to Derek, "Can we talk later?" She asked.
"Yah," Derek said surprised that she had suddenly broken out of her anger toward him."Meet me at Joe's, 10ish?"
"Yeah," Meredith nodded nervously.
"Callie," Izzie called down the hallway.
Callie turned around with one eyebrow raised. "Steven's?"
"I know this isn't my place, in fact I am completely out of line, but don't make George sign those papers."
"Go to hell, Stevens," Callie said turning to walk away.
"Please," Izzie pulled her back, "Just listen. George never loved me the way he loved you. We were best friends that got too drunk and thought we could be something more and I, I was weak and thought that I found true love again, which was something I never thought I'd find after Denny, and maybe I won't but you, what you and George have is real. It wasn't born out of weakness or alcohol, it just is. Don't make him sign the papers." Izzie finished and walked away.
"I want the surgery," Tara insisted
"Tara, I'm going to be honest with you. If I try to perform this surgery, there is a 95 percent chance you will die."
"Dr Shepard, I can't even move my arms now, I want you to try the surgery."
"I don't know if I can make that decision." Derek said firmly.
"Listen to me, I have lived my whole life on my living room couch watching TV. I took be able to walk for granted. I never followed my heart, Dr Shepard. I took the signs fate threw at me and I tossed them right back. So for once in my life, please let me make the decision I feel like I am suppose to make." She finished with teary eyes.
Derek squeezed her hand, "Okay," he said softly. "I'll go book the OR,"
"Can we do it today?" Tara asked.
"Tara, are you sure?" Derek asked again.
"Yes, Yes, Yes, I'm sure," Tara repeated.
"Okay," Derek said and turned to walk away.
"Under one condition," she said as a single tear fell down her cheek, "If you kill me," she smiled, "and I say kill me to make you feel guilty enough to do what I ask. If you kill me, will you tell the blonde doc how you feel?" Tara smiled.
Derek returned an uncontrollable smile, "You're not gonna die." He said walking out of the room.
"Dr. Karev to Nurse's station two, Dr Karev to Nurse's Station Two"
Alex walked to the nurse's station closest to the entrance of the hospital. A thin women with dark reddish brown hair was talking to a Nurse, the Nurse pointed at Alex, and then the woman turned around, revealing a baby girl on one hip.
"Rebbecca," he said surprised that she was there. He was overwhelmed by her beauty, he didn't remember her being that beautiful.
"Alex," she smiled. Alex looked down at the little baby, "Oh, and this is Emmie," Rebbecca said in baby talk handing the little girl to Alex. He instinctively took her and bounced her around, she laughed. Someone walked by and Alex cleared his throat, handing Emmie back to Rebbecca.
"What are you doing here?" He finally asked.
"I left him,"She exhaled heavily. "I'm done pretending to be something I'm not. I woke up Alex, and I realized that I'm not Ava, I'm Rebbecca, but I'm not the Rebbecca I was. I'm not the Rebbecca who settles for a bad marriage and a mediocor life, maybe I was before, but I'm not now. Alex," she hesitated, "I'm in love with you, I want you to be part of our lives. And you can deny it all you want, but I know what kind of guy you truly are Alex Karev. You want this just as much as I do."
"Rebbecca, I'm working," he said harshly.
We are all capable of saying something other than we feel and concealing our true feelings. Our deepest desires.
"We'll wait,"she said with a soft, fragile smile. Alex turns and walks away without saying a word. "Don't page me again," he mumbled to the nurse as he passed. Too often we fight fate and choose to hide behind our masks. Perhaps we want to spare heart ache of another or protect our own heart.
Meredith found Derek in front of the OR, the one she had sat outside of after her first real surgery. It had been one of Derek's surgeries, she remembered it like it was yesterday. That had just been the beginning for them, there was no pain, no wife, no broken hearts, no fear. So much had changed since then. She looked down at Derek, he looked rough. She was certain he lost his patient. "I thought there wasn't going to be a surgery?" Meredith asked.
We are afraid to take risks, afraid of their consequences.
"She wanted to take the risk," Derek shrugged.
"Did she make it," Meredith asked softly.
Fear of speaking our deepest thoughts, making decisions solely on instinct, those fears keeps us from living. Some cases are more literal than others.
"Yeah," Derek nodded, practically whispering, "She made it." He just breathed for a moment and then, "Meredith, can we talk tomorrow?" He asked swallowing hard.
"Yeah," she agreed and stood up to leave.
"Wait," he said quietly. She turned back to him, "Stay," he spoke desperately. She sat back down, the both just sat there staring, contemplating, anticipating. They were centimeters apart, but were not touching.
Some of the time we have been hiding for so long, we don't even realize we are hiding anymore.
George was tossing and turning in bed when he heard the door bell ring, he rolled out of bed and walked to answer the door. He expected to see Derek standing there, waiting for Meredith, like he had so many times before. But it wasn't Derek this time.
"Callie," George said quickly unlocking the door. She stood outside in the pouring rain for a moment, "I miss you," she admitted coming in the house and throwing her arms around him.
But there comes a moment when everything is clear and you have to decide,
It was late by the time Alex walked out into the front lobby. He glanced to the chairs by the far door. Rebbecca and Emmie had fallen asleep in one of the leather comfortable ones. He struggled towards the door for a moment.
Whether you are going to stay hidden,
And then he turned back, a small smile broke the corners of his mouth as he walked toward them. He picked up little Emmie out of Rebbecca's arms. Emmie squirmed for a moment and then settled her head against Alex's neck.
"Rebbecca," he whispered, softly shaking her.
"Alex," she said still half asleep and then opening her eyes too look at him. She smiled tenderly, he returned the same smile. Rebbecca stood up, Alex took her hand.
"Let's go home," he said tenderly. They walked out of the hospital.
Or take fate's hand.