Title: Right Said Fred
Rating: PG-13 or R 'cause Kat says my Itachi just creeps her out.
Characters: Itachi x(?) Sasuke, Shark-boy
Word Count: 1636
Summary: Itachi has a problem, and Sasuke just isn't helping.
Author's Notes: It's long! But that's no reason for you to suddenly start thinking I own Naruto. I mean, really, I'm just a model for what COULD be happening in the Naruto universe, you know what I mean. My stories do their little turn on the catwalk, you can all see them, etc. etc. That's about it. No ownership involved.

Uchiha Itachi was too sexy for his shirt. He shook his head sadly. Too sexy for his shirt. So sexy it hurt, really. It was a problem.

He held the shirt against his bare chest and stared into the mirror. The shirt was a Gianfranco Ferre original, scalloped black satin. It was a nice shirt. Very nice. But it just wasn't sexy enough. Itachi sighed in exasperation. "I don't know, Sasuke... What do you think?"

Itachi turned, posing with the shirt to show it off. He stared at Sasuke, but his younger brother didn't respond, except to grunt around the ball gag filling his mouth.

"Sasuke, if you aren't going to help me, I'm going to have to kill you." Itachi's lips pursed in a pout, but Sasuke's eyes remained coldly indifferent. Muttering under his breath, Itachi used his mangekyou sharingan to make his younger brother experience a full seventy-two hours of brutal, mind-searing torture.

Three seconds later, Itachi slipped his arms into the shirt's sleeves. He worked the jet-black buttons carefully. They were small, and there were far too many of them. The shirt hung off his shoulders and tapered slightly toward his waist. It was very flattering. But as for the sexiness, it was just... lacking. Itachi turned back to the mirror. He twisted his torso. He went through every expression he could think of, from dispassionate aloofness, to minor irritation, to ruthless murderer. But no matter what he did, he couldn't escape the simple truth. Uchiha Itachi was too sexy for his shirt. It was intolerable.

"Come on, Sasuke. We're going shopping."

"Mmmmgh mmh ghmmmmh."

Itachi spun away from the mirror and glided across the room. He began to untie the silk ropes holding Sasuke's splayed body. His younger brother, always a brat, tried to hit Itachi as soon as his arm was free. Hit him! Itachi couldn't believe Sasuke would actually try to damage his beautiful face. Itachi's sharingan melted into the three-bladed pinwheel he had worked so hard for, the incomparably magnificent mangekyou. Sasuke endured another seventy-two hours of brutal, mind-searing torture.

Three seconds later, Sasuke was whimpering around his gag, but thankfully he'd stopped trying to damage Itachi's gorgeous face. Sasuke could be such a brat sometimes. Itachi finished unbinding him, and while Sasuke was still recovering, took the opportunity to put him in a set of matching hand-and-ankle cuffs that would let him move around, but prevent him from running away or trying to attack Itachi again. The restraints were made of high-grade steel and exquisitely etched with the Akatsuki flame pattern. Itachi was very fond of them. They were something special. He'd had them made just for Sasuke.

Itachi marched Sasuke out of the apartment and onto the street, where his Lamborghini was waiting, and found himself biting back another sigh. His candy-apple red Lamborghini Murciélago 6.2 was a sight to behold, with its streamlined body and heavy scissor doors. But Itachi just couldn't escape the nagging feeling that he was too sexy for his car.

Itachi dragged Sasuke toward the passenger door and, lifting it, threw him unceremoniously onto the seat. Itachi sashayed back to the driver's side and slipped into his own seat. He pressed a small button on the dashboard, and the doors scissored closed on hydraulic pistons. Itachi reached over his shoulder, grabbing his seatbelt and securing it in the buckle at his side. He glanced at Sasuke. The boy was coming around again, and looked like he might try to put up a fight if he wasn't restrained more properly. Sasuke's seatbelt was just out of reach, so Itachi produced some piano wire from his pocket and lashed his brother to the seat, wrapping the thin steel filament around him tightly. The wire bit into the chair's leather, but Itachi didn't worry overmuch. He could replace the seat if he needed to. And the fact still remained that he was too sexy for his car. Too sexy by far.

Itachi turned his key in the ignition, and the Lamborghini roared to life around him. He looked over his shoulder to make sure no one was coming, and then peeled out onto the road. The sensation of speed overwhelmed him. Itachi took a moment to look at his brother. Even Sasuke, usually so dour, seemed lulled by the car's movement. Itachi nearly smiled, until he thought better of it.

Careening into the parking lot of a large, upscale shopping complex five minutes later, Itachi poached a space near one of the entrances. He unbound Sasuke, again, and opened the Lamborghini's doors. Sasuke was struggling, moaning around the edges of the ball gag. He was not going to be a good boy. Itachi sighed to himself. Going shopping with his younger brother was such a chore.

Itachi reached over and turned Sasuke's head toward him. Instinctively, Sasuke pinched his eyes shut as the mangekyou sharingan appeared. The boy was so stubborn! Holding his head in place with one hand, Itachi carefully pulled up his eyelids and stared into Sasuke's eyes.

Itachi created a series of humiliating visions and forced his little brother to live through them. Even Itachi blushed at some of the situations he dreamed up. They all involved Naruto in some way – humiliating visions involving Naruto were the best when Itachi wanted Sasuke to be a good boy for any length of time. Shopping trips could take a while, too. There was one that Itachi thought up near the end that he particularly liked: Naruto barging into his little brother's apartment while Sasuke tried to put on a furisode. The bondage-like tangle of the obi was a particularly nice touch. Itachi wanted to smile, but he just didn't do that sort of thing.

Seventy-two hours of Naruto witnessing Sasuke being humiliated. Three seconds later, Itachi shoved Sasuke out of the passenger door. The boy fell to the ground limply. Itachi reached behind his seat and grabbed two somethings, then slid out the door of the Lamborghini. Pushing a button on his keychain caused the scissor doors to piston closed again. Itachi walked around to the other side of the car and retrieved Sasuke from the ground.

"You know, Sasuke, as much as I enjoy these little trips of ours, I really do wish we could enjoy them together. As a family. And not with all these gags and handcuffs. I'd really like it better if we left that all at home." Itachi sighed tiredly. His brother could be so demanding sometimes.

Itachi took the first of the two somethings, a leash, and clipped it to the collar around Sasuke's throat. Itachi was about to put the second something on his head, but stopped short with the object still in his hand.

Itachi looked at his shirt, barely stifling a moan. He looked at the car, and a feeling of apprehension filled him. And then, the object in his hands...

It was nice enough. Round, full-brimmed, not too tall. It was jet black, matching the clothes Itachi wore. There was no question, none at all, that it was the height of style. The newest thing from Italy, part of Gucci's fall line. All of Itachi's friends admired it. But again, Itachi found himself faced with the same, inescapable conclusion. He rounded on his brother, slipping out of character for a moment.

"Sasuke! I'm too sexy for my hat! Too sexy for my hat..." Itachi moaned in anguish. "What do you think about that?"

Sasuke whimpered pitifully. It looked like he was still reliving those Naruto fantasies. Humiliations. Whatever. He was so useless! Tugging on the leash, Itachi began stalking toward the entrance of the mall. He tried his best to regain his composure.

Just outside the door, he was greeted with a surprise that absolutely made his day. Kisame was waiting for him beside the entrance, holding a small slatted box. How had Kisame known he was going to come here today? Kisame was so sweet! Itachi resisted the urge to run up and hug him, because such things simply weren't DONE.

"Kisame," he stated coolly.

Kisame smiled and proffered the box to Itachi. The weight inside was strange. It seemed to shift around. "I know you've been having a hard time with Sasuke lately, Itachi. So I thought maybe a little something would... you know... Cheer you up a bit." The shark-faced man smiled, although Itachi thought he could detect a hint of nervousness in Kisame's eyes.

Itachi was curious to see what might be in the box. He tied Sasuke's leash to a bench, making sure the boy wouldn't run away, and then focused his attention on the present from Kisame. It really was oddly balanced. What could it be?

A quiet sound escaped from the slats, and Itachi couldn't contain himself any longer. He ripped open the box, with cold diffidence of course. Inside was... a kitten! How cute! It was black, with little white socks on its paws. Itachi loved it. Kisame was the best partner a ninja could ask for. He reached into the box and extracted the kitten. It seemed very nervous, but when Itachi stared into its eyes, it settled down somewhat.

Yes, it was very cute. Very very cute. But a familiar wave of unease washed through Itachi as he examined it more closely. The cat was cute, but when Itachi considered it in context. In context with his shirt, his car, and his hat... He bit his lip. Yes. He couldn't deny it, now that it was staring him so plainly in the face.

"Kisame. I'm too sexy for my cat."

Kisame rolled his eyes. Nervousness was unquestionably gone now, replaced by... irritation? The blue-skinned man folded his arms over his chest and glared malevolently. "Itachi, will you PLEASE stop listening to that damned song?"