S4E14: Lead me, Guide me
(song title by Elvis Presley)
MVO: As Doctors, we are educated to be the voice of reason. Patients put their lives in our hands because they need someone to make them better. We are designed to be the savior, that has no personal attachments, the person that's not directly involved. The person who say this is how we fix this, or breaks the news that something can't be fixed at all. Often, we as humans are blind to certain aspects of our lives. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "People only see, What they are prepared to see." Sometimes we are are to busy staring at the past, or holding on to the present, to let the future take us where it is suppose to. Maybe it's not that we are blind, maybe it has more to do with the fact that we crave a second opinion.
"Addison," Derek called to her from down the hall and jogged up next to her.
She noticed his odd smile, "You're awful cheery today," Addison raised an eyebrow.
Derek smirked, "I've always been a morning person, Addie you know that," he stated.
"mhh hmmm," she said looking up from her chart and pushing her glasses off her face.
"Anyway, I was looking for Meredith," Derek said and then he realized how long it had been since he he had said that sentence. "She wanted to talk to me about something last night and we never got around to it," he explained.
"Hense the cheeriness," Addison grinned. "I think that you should find her," Addie tapped the point of her shoe against the tile.
"It doesn't have anything to do with the secret case you are working on, does it?" He asked.
"Secret case?" Addison asked putting her glasses back on to read the chart, the nurse had just fixed. "There's no secret case," She said nervously.
"Wow, that was a lie," Derek said smiling. "I'm hurt that you wouldn't let me in on this secret."
Suddenly Rose appeared in the hall and walked up to Derek, "Can we talk," she interrupted rudely.
"Addison Montgomery," She extended her hand. "x-Shepard," she pointed to Derek.
Rose shook her hand, "Nice to meet you," she said with an attempted smile that turned out to be a sneer.
Addison caught it, "It's not me you should be worried about," She smiled thinly.
"Addison!" Derek said.
"Derek!" Addison mocked him.
"We are walking away now," Derek said guiding Rose away.
"Find her," Addison shouted to Derek as got further down the hallway.
"Find who?" Rose asked Derek.
"Uh one of Addie's patients" He he said realizing he had just lied to Rose for the first time.
"Oh," Rose said softly. He couldn't tell if she realized it was a lie. "Anyway, I was wondering why you didn't come over last night?"
"I had Mrs King's surgery." He answered.
"Until what time," Rose pried.
"It was pretty late, by the time it was over I was exhausted. I had told her not to get the surgery, you know? I basically told her she would die if we did the surgery and she said she wanted to take that risk, and she lived. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact, that if she would have played it safe, she would be in a wheel chair right now, having to depend on other people for the rest of her life."
"How is she doing now?" Rose asked.
"I haven't check on her yet," He answered pushing the elevator button. "I'm on my way up there right now."
"Let me know how she recovers," Rose said sincerely.
"I will," he kissed Rose quickly. She followed him in the elevator, they went up one floor and then Rose had to get off, as she walked off, Meredith walked on not realizing that Derek was there. The elevator doors shut, "Good morning Dr. Grey," he said cheerily.
"Dr Shepard," She smiled at him for the first time in months. She suddenly felt awkward,"Are you uh, going to check on Mrs King?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered. "Did you still need to talk to me?" he asked anxiously.
"Yes," she laughed noticing his anxiousness, "But, not until later," she paused, "It's kind of... complicated."
"Uhh," he groaned. "The suspense is killing me."
"Oh, is it?" She asked playfully.
"Oh, it is," Derek repeated in the way he always had before as he exited the elevator.
Izzie stood in the Emergency Room, waiting. It was quiet, but she didn't dare say it. She didn't dare even think it. Bailey had assigned her the Emergency Room today, which perplexed her, because now that she was a Resident, wasn't it her job to assign the interns what to do? Now that Bailey was Chief Resident, things had definitely changed. Not that hadn't been a good Chief Resident, she just didn't have the same control that Bailey.
"Stevens," Bailey called. Speak of the devil. Izzie thought.
Izzie turned to Bailey, "Dr Bailey,"
"This is Dr. Ryan Pierce, his resident is out today, he's with you." Bailey said quickly turning the other way. "Good luck," She mumbled.
"Okay," Izzie turned to look at Dr Pierce. She was surprised at how attractive he was. "Izzie," she extended her hand, "I mean, Dr. Stevens,"
"The hot push over one," he said cockily.
"Excuse me?" she asked.
"I'm just saying, that's what your known as in our locker room, "that and O'Malley's other woman."
"And you know what you are known as in my locker room?" She asked. "The know it all intern who will drop the program before he even does one surgery."
"Ouch," He said putting his hand to his chest, like he was in pain.
"Oh," Izzie made a pouting face, "Did I hwurt you wittle feewings?"
"No," he shook his head with a smiled. "It wasn't that good of a comeback, I just wanted to hear you talk like that,"
Izzie rolled her eyes and then said," Just go run labs, and get out of my face." She tossed him her charts and walking away. "Page me when your done. And if I page you first, you better damn well be there."
"Alright, Gizzie," he said devilishly. She turned back to give him a dirty look, and he gave her a mischievous grin.
Meredith walked from the lunch counter, and sat down with a bag of barbecue chips, a slice of chocolate cake and orange juice. Alex laughed, "Dude, what the hell are you eating?"
"What?" Meredith asked with her innocent, or attempted innocent, Meredith face.
"That's pretty rank, Meredith," George said.
Alex, Christina and Meredith looked at George like he was insane. "Rank, Seriously?" Christina asked.
"Alex just said dude, why can't I say rank?" George asked.
"Exactly, Alex said, Bambi can't say things like that and look as cool as Alex." Alex said talking about himself.
Izzie walked up behind Alex and caught half of the conversation, "Why are you talking about yourself in third person?" Izzie asked sitting down and then looking to Meredith, "what are eating?" she said kind of grossed out.
"God, I'm Hungary okay?" Meredith stood up angrily and walked away.
"What's her problem?" Izzie asked.
"Maybe she's pregnant." Christina stated nonchalantly.
Izzie's pager went off just as she opened her lunch. "Uhhhh," she groaned, "Are you serious?"
"What's wrong with you," Alex said sitting to eat Meredith's left over barbecue chips.
"I have this intern today and he thinks he knows everything and he's arrogant and... and he's just making me crazy." Izzie yelled in anger.
"Is he hot?" Christina asked.
"What?" Izzie gave her a face. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Because you said that like, hes making you crazy." Christina added a touch of sexiness.
"No, he's making me made, like I might kill him." Izzie said angrily.
"Or sleep with him." Christina said.
"Christina! Why do you say things like that?"
"Oh he makes me crazy, Oh I might kill him Oh Oh Oh?" Christina mocked Izzie. "You want him."
"He's an asshole," Izzie explained.
"So is Alex, but that didn't keep you from sleeping with him," Christina laughed.
Alex made a 'how did I get dragged into this', face.
"Good Morning, Tara," Derek said happily.
"You didn't kill me," Tara smiled.
"No, far from it," he smiled. "Has anyone updated you?"
"No," she shook her head.
"The surgery went extremely well. The feeling in your legs should slowly start to come back over the next week. You'll have to do rehab for a few months, but I expect that you will make a full recovery." Derek explained with the smile.
"Thank you, Dr Shepard," Tara said through glassy eyes.
"No, thank you," he said softly.
"Does that mean you are going to take my advise even though I'm not dead?" Tara asked with a smile.
"I don't know," he shook his head. "Maybe," he practically whispered. "I'll be in later with the physical therapist." he smiled his McDreamy smile and turned to leave, practically running over Mark as he exited the room.
"Hey Derek," Mark said.
"Yeah," Derek answered politely.
"What are you doing tonight?" Mark wondered.
"Why are you asking me on a date?"
"Yes," Mark played along.
"I have um... something to do and then I could meet you at Joe's for a drink, if your up for it?"
"Sounds good," Mark nodded making an odd expression.
"Mark," Derek gave him a look. "You okay?"
"Yeah," he paused momentarily then broke into,"It's just the Addison thing. Is it weird for you that she's here? Because it feels pretty weird to me."
"Other than the fact that her and Meredith have been working on some secret case together and they have become best friends, oh and Addison has repeatidly insulted Rose. No its not weird at all," Derek laughed.
"It's like she walks out of our lives, and leaves us a disaster and then returns and thinks things can be the way they were before." Mark confessed.
"Speak for yourself, my disaster ended when she left." Derek laughed.
"Did it?" Mark asked with a very serious face. The most serious he had been in a long time.
"What does that mean?" Derek asked.
"I think you know," Mark said and then turned to walk away, "Joe's at 9." He shouted as he walked away.
Erica was standing next to the Nurse's station flipping through a chart. While she was on her cell phone.
"Yang," Dr Haun called to Christina.
"Dr Haun," Christina said cheerfully.
"I have heart transplant in an hour, would you prep Mr Brooks and then scrub in?" Erica asked.
"Yes, I'll get right on it," Christina said respectfully. Erica handed her the chart.
Christina practically skipped down the hallway with a smile nearly running into Izzie, "What's got into you?" Izzie asked.
"I'm the cardio queen Iz, I'm the cardio queen. two words, Heart...Transplant" Christina smiled. Izzie rolled her eyes playfully as Christina continued down the hallway. Izzie then realized that she said heart transplant. The thought of a heart transplant still gave Izzie an odd feeling.
Addison's loud voice caught her attention at the end of the hallway for a second, and then "Izzie," Callie said. Izzie turned to see Callie standing there and George standing in the distance.
"Yeah," Izzie said softly.
"I know this is weird," Callie said in her rambly nervous voice, "But I just wanted to say thank you." Izzie faked a smile and then Callie turned to walk the other way and took Georges hand, George looked back to Izzie. Izzie gave him the thumbs up and he smiled and then turned his head and walked down the hallway. The stress suddenly built up in Izzie's chest, she ran into the nearest on-call room.
"You don't even work here anymore," Dr. Pierce said.
"When I have a case here," Addison practically yelled. "I work here and I don't need a second rate intern to waste my time. You are just like all the rest of the men in this hospital cocky and self-centered,"
"You mean, the men you slept with?" Dr. Pierce asked cockily.
"Stay out of my way and stay out of my cases," Addison yelled and then stormed away. Pierce stormed into the opposite direction and then into the nearest on-call room.
He walked in and then saw Izzie' sitting there, "Sorry," he said turning to leave.
"No, it's okay, I'll leave." Izzie said heading for the door. As she reached for the door handle, Ryan grabbed her wrist softly. She looked down to his hand and then in his eyes. A rush of desire suddenly passed between them. He leaned in and passionately kissed her, she kissed him back, pushing him to the small bunk bed, he ran his hands up her shirt and then pulled it over her head. He tossed it to the floor as he kissed down her chest.
Alex walked into Meredith's house, the smell of home cooking streamed from the kitchen, Who's cooking? He thought to himself, Izzie is on call. He walked into the kitchen and found Rebbecca at the stove and Emmie in a highchair eating cheerios.
"You cook?" Alex asked with the smile.
"I do a lot of things," Rebbecca said mysteriously.
"Ahhh hah," Emmie laughed, tossing her cheerios onto the floor.
"How was work?" Rebbecca asked.
"Fine," Alex answered giving her a odd look.
"Are you hungry?" Rebbecca inquired, stirring the food.
"Not yet," Alex responded, picking the cheerios off the floor.
"Well what time does everyone get here?" Rebbecca wondered, "This is Meredith's house right?"
"Yah, she'll be home in an hour and who knows when Bambi will be here. I don't even know who lives here anymore, oh and Izzie's on-call." Alex explained.
"Well, should we hold dinner for them?" Rebbecca asked.
"Rebbecca," Alex gave her a look.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm not your husband," He said plainly.
"Damn it, Alex," She yelled, throwing her sauce cover spoon to the floor. "If I wanted a husband I would be at home."
"Then why are you acting like a wife?" He spoke.
"How am I suppose to act?" Rebbecca asked.
"I don't know, but I'm not your husband and if you think that is what I am going to be you are wrong." Alex yelled turning cold again. Emmie suddenly started crying, Rebbecca picked her up and then started to walk out of the room as she did, she passed Addison, who was standing in the hallway. "Damn it," Alex said under his breath sitting down. He looked up to see her standing there.
"Great, yet another woman who blames me for her pain and sorrow," He mumbled.
"Grow up, Alex," Addison said.
"You are back here for five minutes and think you know everything," Alex yelled standing up, "You don't know what the hell your talking about."
"I lived her for a year, and from what I pieced together, you are the only one blaming someone else for your pain and sorrow. You saved her life," Addison said pointing to the other room where she assumed Rebbecca was standing. "When she had no one, you were there. And she fell for that, and now she left her husband, and she needs you again. Maybe she shouldn't have, because god knows you send out some mixed signals," Addison laughed lightly. "But she did, she chose you and now she needs you, so you can either step up to the plate and be who she needs you to be, or you can give that little girl someone to blame her pain and sorrow on." Addison said firmly walking out of the room.
Meredith sat at one of the tall round tables in the back of Joe's bar. She tapped her foot nervously and bushed the lemon in her water around with a straw. She tried to imagine herself telling Derek. She didn't know how she was going to do it and then before she had another second to think, there he was.
"Hi," he smiled softly sitting in the chair across from her.
"Look, Derek, I'm really nervous, so I'm just going to say it," Derek's face was suddenly nervous. In that moment, she suddenly saw the look of fear in Derek's eyes. Who was she to ruin his happy life. He had a new girlfriend, he had a life without her and, he was happy. It was then, that she decided to lie, "I'm pregnant." She exhaled, "But it's not yours," His gaze shifted to the ground, "I wanted to tell you, before I started to show any more."
He sighed, "I think you'll be a great mother," he struggled to smile. "Congratulations," He stood up to leave.
"Derek," she tried to call him back, she knew he was mad, or hurt. She couldn't pin what he was, but she knew he was something.
"Meredith," he said flatly and shook his head slightly, as if to say, don't tell me anymore right now. She watched him walk out the door.
Alex walked into his bedroom, where he found Rebbecca leaning against the bed in tears. Emmie, had fallen asleep on the bed. He sat down next to her and took her hand, he played with her fingers. "I'm sorry," he whispered trying not to walk Emmie.
"It's okay," Rebbecca said, not looking at him.
"No its not," he said firmly. " I've been thinking and I can't be your husband." Alex said softly. "I don't ever expect you to have dinner for me and clean my room, or do my laundry. I don't want to be your husband right now. But I can be your boyfriend, and I can find a babysitter and I can take you out to dinner, or I can bring home a pizza or we can feed Emmie ice cream for dinner, just because we can." He smiled. Rebbecca smiled too. "I want to have fun with you. I don't want to have a boring, average marriage-like relationship. I want it to be exciting and I want to be good at it. And I'm not going to pretend its not going to be hard, because it is, but for once, I think its worth it." Alex finished with a sigh. Rebbecca kissed him.
Once and a while, we take the advice we are given. We grow up and make the right choices.
Lexie and Addison walked in and saw the look on Meredith's face and rushed to her side. Addison shooed Lexie back for a second. "What is she doing here?" Meredith asked.
"She knows." Addison admitted.
"What?!" Meredith practically yelled. Addison made oops face. "Aw, Addison," Meredith groaned.
"You can tell your x-boyfriends, x-wife but you can't tell your sister?" Addison asked.
"She had been my sister for like five minutes," Meredith whined.
"Five minutes or not, she still cares about you," Addison explained.
"Did you tell her it was Derek's?" Meredith asked concerned.
"No, but I'm sure she assumed," Addison shrugged. Addison examined Meredith's face, "Oh no... you didn't, did you tell Derek it wasn't his baby?"
"Yes," Meredith confessed.
"Oh god," Addison said waving over Lexie.
"Meredith, I know we haven't been close for very long and I probably have no right to say this, but don't abort this baby," Lexie rambled, "I'll help you take care of it, I'll help take your shifts at work I'll..." Addison held up her hand and mouth back off a little. "Sorry," Lexie mumbled.
"She told Derek it wasn't his baby," Addison explained.
"You what?" Lexie asked.
"What was I suppose to do, he is happy and I shouldn't get to ruin that for him."
"I'm still not doing the surgery if you don't tell him it is his," Addison spoke.
"Addison," Meredith said.
"No wait, I went through something similar to this with Mark, I ended up having an abortion without even talking to him and now, I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't gone through with it. What your life would have been like. It is a decision you can't take back Meredith," Addison said sincerely.
"Addison," she practically shouted this time.
"What?" Addison asked.
"I'm not having an abortion," Meredith said.
"Your not?" Addison asked.
"Your not?" Lexie asked seconds later.
"No," she shrugged.
"Oh," Addison said a little relieved, "You still have to tell him," Addison said firmly, "Or I will."
"You wouldn't," Meredith got wide eyed.
"I wouldn't test her," Lexie said shrugging.
Too often, we disregard what we are telling our self or what others are telling us and search for a better answer.
Joe's door jingled open again. The sound, to this day still gave Meredith an odd feeling. It felt like yesterday that she was drunkenly sitting, waiting for Derek to walk through that door and decided that he as going to leave his wife for her. Now she was sitting with his x-wife, who was currently talking her our of aborting his baby. What a world. Meredith turned to watch Rose and Derek walk in. Meredith made accidental eye contact with Derek. Instantly both of their gazes dropped to the floor. Ironically, She's got you, by Patsy Cline, started playing on the juke box. "Lexie, go change the song," Addison whispered nudging her.Lexie didn't move, she was too busy watching Meredith watch Derek.
A less complicated answer. A more satisfying answer.
The door jingled again and Mark walked in, he looked at Derek and made a face and then turned to Meredith and Addison's table. He sat down in the chair, "Derek ditched me," he grumbled. Addison and Meredith gave him a dirty look.
"What?" Mark asked.
"Welcom to the club," Lexie answered.
And on that never ending journey to find a life less complicated, we sometimes don't realize that the the best answer is the one right in front us,
Derek and Meredith made eye contact again, though this time, it was in-tensional. She remembered this look, it was the combination of several emotions but the most prominent seemed to be desire and regret. He shifted in his seat, almost as if he was going to stand and then he settled.
The one that had always been there.