The Joker

The Joker

Author's Note Guess what this chapter is about. Ha! Anyway…my internet connection has been taken so chapters may take longer to be posted. But I will not stop writing mostly because if I do my friend Kittie may kidnap and beat me. Great….now I have The Joker by Steve Miller Band stuck in my head…this is why song titles are dangerous for fan fiction. On with the show!

"Morning pussycat," Bruce Wayne purred into Selina's ear.

Selina fluttered her eyes open and looked at the clock. "More like good afternoon," she replied.

"It's only 11:00 am."

"Still afternoon. I wonder if Harley made breakfast," she said as she sat up.

"Harley makes breakfast?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yeah…she makes mean chocolate chip pancakes." Selina got out of bed and dressed herself. "Come on. Get up Mr. Wayne."

"Alright," he sighed getting up and getting dressed.

"I hope Ivy doesn't mind you spent the night."

They walked out Selina's bedroom and into the kitchen where Harley was indeed making breakfast…or lunch rather. Either way…it was chocolate chip pancakes.

"Afternoon sleepy heads," Harley sang.

"Ivy not up yet?" Selina asked.

"Red ain't here."

"She didn't come home?"

"Nopperz. I'm thinking her and Harvey had a lot to catch up on. If you catch my drift." Harley explained.

"That's the image I need in the morning," Bruce whispered to Selina.

Selina held back the laugh. "Maybe you should call her."

"I did. I got her voicemail." Harley replied plating a few pancakes and tossing them onto the table.

"And you're not worried?" Bruce asked.

"Are you kidding? If Ivy's been taken God help them."

Bruce looked at Selina and she shrugged.

"So what are you up to today?" Selina asked Harley.

"Nothing. I thought I might go shopping. Maybe hit the Iceberg tonight."

"Fun fun." Selina replied.

Harley plopped down at the table with her own plate of pancakes. "So what are you doing today?"

"Sitting around here I suppose. Bruce has to work and tonight I think I'll stay in," Selina replied.

"Actually I'm not due in today. No meetings and no paperwork." Bruce told her.

"Well aren't you lucky."

"I should get home though. I need to shower and change," he said.

"You do smell a little," Selina joked.

"Thanks honey," he replied getting up.

Selina got up and walked him to the door with Harley close behind.

"Give me a call if you want to grab dinner or something."

"Don't you mean when I want to grab dinner?" he joked.

She gave him a quick kiss and opened the door. Ivy stumbled in backwards from the hallway with Harvey. She pulled her lips off his and blushed.

"Morning girls," Ivy said.

"Afternoon," Harley corrected.

"Harvey you know Harley and Selina…oh and Bruce Wayne," Ivy muttered.

"Hello," Harvey said, turning a bit pink himself.

"Oh! Harvey! Just the guy I need!" Harley cried pulling him in.

Harvey looked at her like she was nuts, even more so than usual, and gave Ivy a curious look.

"I need a huge favor," Harley continued.

"Shoot," he replied.

"Can you go over to Mist…Joker's place and get the rest of my stuff. I'm afraid to go over there myself," Harley explained.

Harvey sighed and thought. He had to pull out the coin and give it a quick toss.

"Yeah…I can," he finally replied.

Harley threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. "You're the best!"

"Uh huh," he replied walking toward the door. "Come on Bruce."

"What?" Bruce asked in shock.

"I'm not going over there by myself," Harvey replied.

Selina bit her lip. "Harvey really, it's better if you don't take him."

"Joker won't kill him. I promise I'll bring him back in one not mutated piece."

Bruce gave Selina a look that clearly said "Help me" as Harvey pulled him out the door.

"Have fun you two," Ivy cooed from the doorway.

When the boys rounded the corner Selina shut the door and turned to face Ivy and Harley. "They're goners. You know this right?"

"They'll be fine," Ivy replied slipping her shoes off.

"So you and Harvey are back together again?" Harley asked.

"We're sleeping together if that's what you mean," Ivy replied.

Harley rolled her eyes headed toward her room. "I'm going shopping."

Harvey and Bruce stood outside and old warehouse that was now Joker's hideout. Harvey looked at Bruce and Bruce looked at Harvey.

"He's your friend," Bruce said.

"He isn't my friend. He's my girlfriend's best friend's ex-boyfriend," Harvey replied.

"You still know him better, you knock."

"Do you have any idea what could happen if I knock on the Joker's door without calling? We could be sprayed with acid, catapulted to Albuquerque, or worse, doused with Smile-X."

"Call him then," Bruce told him.

"Yeah, I guess," Harvey said pulling out his phone. He flipped it open and searched the contact's list for Joker.

Bruce looked over and noted that the screen said "Calling Jackass". He had to laugh.

"Oh my God," Harvey said shaking his head.

"What?"

"Listen," he replied hitting the speaker phone button.

It's not over tonight. Just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.

"You think he misses Harley?" Bruce asked sarcastically.

"What do you want Two Face?" Joker asked from the phone.

"Hey Jack-Y boy, how's it going?" Harvey asked.

"What the hell do you want Harv?" he asked a little angrier.

"Harley sent me to get the rest of her things. I'm standing outside your place right now," Harvey replied.

Joker hung up the phone and the front door opened.

"Guess we can come in," Harvey said sarcastically.

They stepped inside and walked into the room to their right where a TV was on. Joker sat on the couch, foot propped on the coffee table with a bottle of red nail polish. A couple if his toes were already red.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Harvey asked in confusion.

Bruce raised his eyebrow and knew that the next time he fought Joker as Batman he would have the image of Joker painting his toenails dancing around his head.

"What? It's Cherry Drizzle!" Joker replied. "Like you don't paint your nails!"

"No," Bruce said firmly. "I really don't."

"Are you Bruce Wayne?" Joker asked.

"Yeah."

"Why are you here?"

"I really don't know," he replied honestly still unable to stop looking at Joker's red toenails.

"You're insane Joker," Harvey grumbled.

"It's relaxing," he replied. "You should give it a try."

"No way in hell am I painting my toenails," Harvey said.

Five Minutes Later

"I can't believe I'm painting my toenails," Harvey sighed as he put on a coat of Promiscuous Pink on his right foot.

"Told you it was relaxing," Joker replied admiring his cherry red toes.

"Who names these things?" Bruce asked as he applied his Princess Peach.

"Who knows," Joker said.

"Is this your nail polish or Harley's?" Harvey asked.

"Harley's. I just use it."

"Ok. I was a bit worried for a second."

Harvey's phone started to buzz across the coffee table. "Shit, that's Pammy."

Joker made a whip cracking noise and laughed.

"No, that would be Bruce," Harvey joked. He picked up the phone and flipped it open. "Hey Pammy."

"My back is killing me. I just can't touch my toes like I used to," Bruce said as he leaned back into the couch.

Joker picked up the bottle of Princess Peach and continued on Bruce's toes.

"Thanks," he said.

"Not a problem."

"What the hell is going on?" Harvey asked.

"What? I'm painting his nails!" Joker answered.

"Who is painting who's nails?" Ivy asked.

"What? Oh, nothing," Harvey told her.

"Oh my God, you guys are painting your nails?" she cried.

Harley was sitting on the couch next to Ivy. She raised her eyebrow and shook her head.

"We're not…I mean we really…yeah. We are," Harvey surrendered.

"What color are your toenails honey?" Ivy joked.

"Promiscuous Pink," he replied.

"Get Harley's stuff and get out," Ivy said as she hung up the phone.

Harvey closed the phone and sat it back on the table.

"Was she mad?" Bruce asked.

"No, just really confused."

Joker started laughing.

"We'll finish up and get Harley's stuff," Harvey said. "I'm not walking around with one foot of Promiscuous Pink nail polish."

"This is the bedroom. All Harley's stuff is in here," Joker said as he flipped on the light.

"Wow," Bruce said looking around. It was like some scary museum dedicated to Harley and Joker.

"Harley decorated," Joker sighed.

"Yeah, I could tell," Harvey grumbled.

Joker went over to the dresser and pulled a drawer out and tossed it onto the bed. "That's all Harley's."

"What the hell is this?" Harvey asked pulling out a pair of pink sparkly underwear.

"It's a thong," Bruce told him.

"It has diamonds instead of ass floss," Harvey said.

"Yeah, and?" Joker asked.

"That's gotta hurt when you're walking around," Harvey replied.

"It's not for walking around," Joker told him.

"Oh…nice."

Joker rolled his eyes and pulled out more clothes and tossed them onto the bed.

"Is this a vinyl corset?" Bruce asked holding up a red piece of vinyl.

"Yeah," Joker replied.

"You guys had some sex life," Bruce said shaking his head.

"Oh my god, look at these shoes," Harvey cried holding up a pair of black stilettos that clearly belonged on the stage of a strip joint.

"Harley bought those for Valentine's Day," Joker sighed.

"I'm definitely jealous," Harvey told him.

"What took you guys so long?" Selina asked as she let Bruce and Harvey in.

Harvey dropped the suitcases on the floor and pointed a finger at Harley. "You...I don't even know how you are walking right now!" he cried.

Bruce dropped his suitcases, ripped one open, and pulled out a white thong with diamonds in the back. "How many of these things do you need?" he asked in disbelief.

"And what about this?" Harvey asked pulling out the red vinyl corset. "What is this for?!"

Ivy raised her eyebrow and looked at Harley. "Nice."

"Do you own normal pajamas?!" Bruce asked.

"And I'm the one who get's locked up in Arkham," Harley muttered.