Title: For Demonstration Purposes Only
Rating: PG
Characters: Iruka-sensei and students
Word Count: 1073
Summary: Plushies are for demonstration purposes only.
Author's Notes: Teaching Japanese schoolkids is a lot like teaching ninja-brats.

"Today's lesson is about Konoha's great families, the clans that make up the core of our strength as ninja." Iruka accidentally let his voice slip into a lecturing tone, and watched the eyes of the academy boys and girls glass over. This was important information. Didn't these kids understand that? Why did he always feel so much like a babysitter? Forcing cheerfulness into his tone, he asked, "Can anyone name any of those clans for me?"

Silence answered him. As usual. One of the girls in the front row began picking her nose. He forged ahead, pretending that they were excited to be here learning.

"Now the greatest of those clans was the Uchiha clan. They were founded by… does anyone know?" A spitwad hit one of the boys in the back of the head, and he turned around to throw an eraser at the boy who had shot it.

"That's right, Uchiha Madara." Iruka brought out his secret weapon for the day's lesson. He reached into the sack that sat on a chair hidden behind his desk and pulled out a large plush figure meant to represent Uchiha Madara. It had spiky hair made of felt, a suit of lacquered arm (also made of felt), and startlingly red eyes painted with the distinctive three-dot pattern of the sharingan.

Suddenly, he had the attention of all his students. Coos whispered through the room from some of the girls, who sat in rapt admiration of the rare Uchiha Madara plushie that Iruka had displayed.

"My daddy has one of those," a girl in the back piped up. "He says they're really hard to find. Aren't they worth, like, a whole lot of money now? They haven't made them in decades!"

Iruka ignored her. "Now, Uchiha Madara had a younger brother…" Another plushie came out of the sack – this one a simple Sasuke plushie that Iruka had modified by changing its clothes and giving it a new hairstyle. Nobody really knew much about Madara's brother, and to Iruka's knowledge there had never been a plushie edition that included him, so Iruka had to make due with what he had.

"Hey… that's cheating, that's just a Sasuke you messed around with. I got one 'o him at home," a pale-skinned, dark-haired boy piped up to the back. He stuck out his tongue at Iruka. The boy had an exceptionally long tongue. Iruka shuddered. He always got the strange ones.

"Madara and his brother were both very powerful ninja. They organized the Uchiha clan into what it is today, and they formed an alliance with the Senju clan of the forest. This alliance led to what we now know as Konoha-gakure, our beautiful city."

One by one, Iruka trotted out his Uchiha clan plushies. Many of them were made from alterations on the more popular plushie lines like Sasukes and Itachis, but he had a real Obito and he had real plushies of Sasuke's parents, who had been great ninjas in their day.

Finally, the most important part of the story. "Then, about seven years ago, Uchiha Itachi murdered everyone else in the Uchiha clan. Everyone except for his brother Sasuke." Iruka demonstrated, only to keep the kids' attention of course, letting the little plushie Itachi meticulously go through all the other plushies and kill them. He provided appropriate sound effects. For demonstration purposes only, of course. As they died, he returned the plushies to the sack behind his desk.

"Now, when Uchiha Sasuke joined team-" One of the students was raising his hand. "Yes, what is it Shouta?"

"Umm, Iruka-sensei, Kanako and her friends just snuck behind your desk and stole all the toys in your bag."

"They are NOT toys, Shouta. They are purely for demonstration purp-- They did what?" Iruka looked around, shocked, and saw that the girls had indeed snuck behind him and stolen the plushies out of the sack. Now they were sitting in a circle on the floor playing with them.

"Girls, girls, those aren't toys. Could you please put them back so we can continue the lesson?" The girls squealed, but didn't get up to return Iruka's plushies. Irritated, he walked over to them and held out his hand to collect the plush figurines.

"We were only playing house, Iruka-sensei," Kanako said. "They ARE all one big family, right? That's what you said, right? So it makes sense to play house with them. See, this one's the mommy Uchiha and this one's the daddy Uchiha, and…"

The look on Iruka's face brooked no nonsense. Reluctantly, the girls returned his plushies and went back to their seats. Iruka walked back and dropped the plushies into the sack he had brought. But now Itachi and Sasuke were missing from where he had left them on the desk. He spun angrily and looked for whoever had taken them.

"I want my Sasuke and my Itachi back now! Those are my personal-- How am I supposed to demonstrate any of this if I don't have plu… If I don't have models?"

"I'm sorry, Iruka-sensei," one of the girls piped up. "They were just kissing. I mean, they're awfully lonely, aren't they, since they're the last two Uchihas left. They just need somebody to love." She demonstrated, holding up the two plushies and touching their faces together.

Something snapped in Iruka. He ran to the girl and tried to take hold of the plushies. "Don't do that! Sasuke doesn't kiss Itachi! Sasuke likes girls!" Iruka snarled. "Give them here!"

Reluctantly, the girl returned the plushies to her teacher and Iruka walked back to the front of the class. "Sasuke and Itachi do NOT kiss, okay? They fight! Like this!" Iruka proceeded to demonstrate with the plushies. Chibi-Sasuke and Chibi-Itachi traded kicks and jabs, and Iruka provided the sound effects. The students squealed with pleasure, but Iruka was too far gone now.

Chibi-Sasuke punted Chibi-Itachi so hard he went flying into the first row of students. Iruka helped Chibi-Sasuke do his victory dance, before stowing him in the sack with… with…

"WHERE IS MY UCHIHA MADARA!?"

Another one of the girls raised her hand sheepishly.

"TELL ME," Iruka shouted at her.

Tears welled up in her eyes. "Umm… Sensei…. Itachi looked lonely after Sasuke kicked him, so… so he and Madara are making out in the back of the room right now. They've been through so much. Can't you just let them enjoy themselves," she sobbed.