Story set shortly after ANH.

Han vs. Food

I suppose you might be wondering how I could wind up spending the night in a medic bay with first degree burns on my poor tongue? Not to mention extreme intestinal distress and agonizing pain in my poor eyes! I could've been permanently blinded. Well, wonder away, 'cuz I ain't tellin' ya…

Okay, fine then. Sometimes Wookiees can be a real pain in the you-know-where, so don't start threatening me, pal. I've had a rough couple of hours, and I'll have you know it's all a certain high an' mighty princess's fault. How, you ask? No, she didn't give me a tongue-lashing… then it would be her appendage blistered and burned, not mine.

It started out innocently, as most things usually do. Why do those Rebels always have to send us on runs for food supplies, anyway? I can't help it if my tastes in all things edible run a bit different than most people. I was raised by a Wookiee cookin' for me. Don't yell so loud! It's not Dewlanna's fault I'm Corellian through and through. Why don't you go do the grocery shopping next time we're sent out on one of these boring trips? I'm positive the Rebels would love eatin' raw slabs of gristly meat.

Oh, I know they pay us real good. Don't get your fur all in a mat. Anyway, like I was explaining… or trying to explain since you keep interrupting me… it started with a little visit to the mess hall, which was smelling quite good for a change. But the second I walked into the cafeteria all the pilots stopped talking and turned around to glare at me. Like I'd done something wrong! Me! Of all people!

Klivian, you know, Hobbie? The guy that just joined the Rebellion? He jumped up and accused me of working for the Empire. The guy actually claimed I was trying to kill everyone! And then Janson had the nerve to agree with Klivian. When I asked them how they came to that brilliant conclusion, all the pilots pointed at their food, which was mostly uneaten. So I asked them what the hell was the matter with it, since it smelled darn good to me.

Wedge put his two credits in at this point, and said it was a little bit too spicy for most everyone's taste, including his tastes. What kind of Corellian would make that claim, I asked, maybe a bit too defensively. Spice is, well, the spice of life. It spices things up! Makes food interesting, I said.

I gotta admit Luke tried to defend me right then. He said it could possibly have been the food prep droid, and maybe something was wrong with its programming. Of course, I said snidely. Those droids can't taste, so how can they understand proper cooking techniques? So I asked to taste Luke's uneaten stew, and boy, was that stuff hot and spicy! I was about to ask for a cold glass of water, when you know who shows up.

Whaddya mean, who? The Princess of Perfection, who else? There was no way I was gonna admit that my throat was burning with her standing there, looking down her nose at me. It doesn't matter that she's shorter than me; she was STILL lookin' down her snoot at me, waiting for me to admit I was wrong. Like that'll happen! So I said – in no uncertain terms - that the food was fine… if anything, it was under-seasoned for a pure, hot-blooded all-Corellian male like me. I've gotta admit I winked at her when I said that, just to get her all riled up.

Then do you know what she had the nerve to say? She said if it wasn't spicy enough, I should prove to her what a real man I was by eating something twice as spicy. So I replied, only TWICE? Why I'll bet I could easily handle food four times as spicy and not break a sweat!

So she actually smiled, and told me she'd take me up on that bet. What do I win, Princess? I asked with a leer. Money? she asked me, since that's my usual demand. Nope, I replied. What I want is a kiss from you. A big, long, lingering kiss, right in front of all these X-Wing pilots. THAT flustered her, let me tell you! I thought for sure she'd back out, and then I could laugh and tease her endlessly for being scared of a kiss. Whaddaya mean, I'm insensitive to her feelings? I ain't insensitive… I just don't care! Well, I don't care, so quit staring at me like that. Luke accused me of the same thing. You an' Luke are exactly alike, do you know that? If it weren't for all the hair and height difference, I'd swear you two were twins, separated at birth. Notice you've both got the same color eyes!

Anyway, I was sure surprised when she agreed to my terms, and she'd kiss me if I ate a regular portion of extra spicy stew. Who would've thought she'd say yes? But it was too late for me to back out at that point, 'cuz all the pilots were taking out credits chips and placing their own bets. So the Princess, all sweet-like, calls in the droid and orders it to make a meal with four times the spices it used the last time. The droid got a bit concerned, how do you like that one? A dumb droid cares more about my welfare than the Princess, or all those pilots! Oh, shut up and stop laughing, furball. It's not a bit funny.

So the droid prepped the food, and brought out a steaming platter of stew. It took me a few seconds to work up my nerve and put that first spoonful in my mouth, pal. I thought I was gonna die, right then and there. It felt like liquid fire burning all the way down my throat and when it hit my stomach it felt like the Fires of Mustafar! I was thinking about backing out at that point, but then she had the nerve to ask if I bit off more than I could chew, and she'd understand if I threw in the spoon, so to speak. You should have seen her expression. All smirky and superior. So I said it tasted great, and I was gonna win this bet if it was the last thing I was ever gonna do.

I took another bite, and then another. Sith spit couldn't have been hotter than that stew I was trying to choke down my gullet. I was sweatin' like a dewback in the middle of a Tatooine desert at this point, pal. My nose was running like a Ortolan with a head cold, and my vision was starting to get blurry. All the guys were yellin' at me to keep eating, and think about the reward, except Luke, who kept telling me I was acting stupid. I wasn't sure kissing the Princess was worth the pain I was experiencing, but I wasn't about to admit to the kid he might actually be right.

Then I made my fatal mistake. I had used a napkin a few minutes earlier to wipe my burning lips, and without thinking I took that same napkin and swiped the sweat out of my eyes. Yup, that's where the pain in my eyes came from… accidentally putting Corellian spices right into my eyeballs. I jumped up like someone had lit my pants on fire, swearing up a storm and tipping the table and the bowl of stew right onto the floor. I could've sworn that stew started sizzling and peeling the paint off the floor as soon as it made contact, but that's 'sides the point. I was in serious agony, Chewie! Agony like I've never experienced before, and I hope to Kessel I'll never experience again.

And to add insult to injury, all the guys were laughing at me, and Janson was actually rolling on the floor and holding his sides. As soon as I get the chance, I'm getting even with that guy. Hell, I'm getting even with all of them, especially the Princess. Why? Well, the stupid bet was her idea to start with, that's why. Kriff, pal, try to follow my story, why don't you?

Yup, as soon as I can talk again, and soon as my eyesight clears up and my bowels stop expelling molten lava, I'm gettin' even with everyone, and if you don't stop laughing, I'm gonna throw this writing stylus at your head and add you to my list.

THE END