When Cobra Was King Part I

"Okay I'm ready for our next whacked out adventure!" Blood Wing walked into the hangar. Only to find it empty. "What the…?"

"They left already," Wild Weasel told him.

"They? Who's they?" Blood Wing snapped.

"Uh Cobra Commander," Wild Weasel counted. "Destro, the Baroness, Mindbender, Zartan and his siblings. You know? The core group that considers us fringe characters."

"They took off without me?" Blood Wing shouted.

"Well, they left the other Dreadnoks and the Crimson Twins here too," Wild Weasel added. "And me…Not that I wanted to go honestly. I've got stuff to do around here."

"Like what?" Blood Wing asked. "Laundry?"

"Don't joke about that. I've got a backlog of underwear you could choke a senator with," Wild Weasel admitted. "And I'm way behind on the novel I'm writing. And there's these movies I stole I've been dying to see. You know what? I can watch movies and do laundry at the same time! I've got a personal disk player! All right! I'm spending an afternoon with some skivvies and Meryl Streep!"

"What a strange odd man," Blood Wing remarked as Wild Weasel left. "Fine then! I'll have an adventure on my own with…."

He then noticed Tiffany and the Dreadnoks walking by. "Tiffany! Dreadnoks! We're going off on an adventure!"

"Okay," Tiffany said cheerfully.

"Why not?" Buzzer shrugged.

"Beats hanging around this dump," Monkeywrench nodded.

Torch asked. "Where are we going?"

"Wherever the wind takes us!" Blood Wing told her. "Or more specifically wherever there's a halfway decent party going on we can get to from one of Cobra's jets. One of you can fly a jet, right?"

"I think Tiffany can," Ripper remarked.

"If not me one of my other personalities will do it," Tiffany told him.

Meanwhile…In another dimension…

"Landing on King Cobra's dimension," Cobra Commander remarked. He was now wearing King Cobra's crown on his helmet. "Okay you know the drill! Pretend I'm King Cobra! And the rest of you defected to my team from the other Cobra Commander."

"This won't work," Destro sighed.

"Of course, it will work!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Okay our uniforms are different but we literally sound the same! Because we are the same! I'll just tell people I had to change clothes to get some blood splatter out. They'll buy it!"

"Just because the majority of Cobras in our organization were morons that doesn't mean these are," The Baroness pointed out.

"What makes you say our people are morons?" Cobra Commander snapped. "And just as those words left my mouth…"

"Yeah," The Baroness nodded. "I mean you've only been saying that for how many years?"

"Okay I get your point," Cobra Commander grumbled. "But odds are these Cobras are just as dumb as ours! Play along!"

"Like we have a choice," Destro remarked.

"You don't," Cobra Commander sneered. "So shut up!"

Cobra Commander strode out of the spaceship to the gathering below. "Behold your King Cobra has returned! All hail…"

He then noticed Duke, Flint, and Lady Jaye standing next to Major Bludd. And several Joe troops had surrounded the ship with Cobra troops. "GI JOE! GI JOE IS HERE!" Cobra Commander screamed. "GI JOE HAS INFILTRATED COBRA! WHAT ARE YOU MORONS DOING STANDING AROUND? FIGHT! FIGHT!"

"Oh no…" Duke groaned.

Destro sighed. "Something tells me the Commander gave us away. Just a hunch."

"You're not our King Cobra, are you?" Flint groaned.

"What? Of course I am," Cobra Commander said. "What makes you say that?"

"Dude we literally saw your ship take off with our King Cobra," A Cobra soldier spoke up.

"Plus, you're wearing a different outfit," Duke added. "And have your versions of Cobra with you."

"The fact that you didn't know that the Joes work for us was also kind of a tell," Major Bludd spoke up with an American accent.

"You're American?" Destro did a double take. "And alive?"

"In this reality yes," General Bludd nodded. "Okay I'm gonna take a wild guess at what happened. There were some wild shenanigans and our King Cobra got himself killed for some reason. So you lot decided it would be easier for you to rule this dimension than your own."

"That is frighteningly accurate," Destro admitted.

"DESTRO!" Cobra Commander shouted.

"They already know!" Destro snapped. "I told you it wouldn't work!"

"Clearly these Cobras aren't morons," The Baroness remarked.

"Was alcohol involved?" Duke asked.

"Oh yeah," Zandar nodded.

"Figures," Duke sighed.

"Hang on. GI Joe is on our side?" Zartan did a double take.

"I thought GI Joe was a defender of democracy?" Destro asked.

"Oh yeah we are," Duke explained. "But by the time King Cobra got into power, democracy was pretty much dead anyway."

"We just went with the saner option," Lady Jaye explained. "And a lot of people were glad we did. After President Trump made himself President For Life."

"And at the same time President Clinton made herself President for Life," Duke explained. "We literally had two presidents for life fighting for control of the country. It was a very weird election."

"We also deposed the members of the House and Senate," General Bludd explained. "And replaced them with fifth graders. Three guesses which group turned out to be more effective?"

"If a bill is written so a fifth grader can understand it," Duke paused. "It's got a good chance of passing."

"Everyone has free health care, social security," Lady Jaye added. "Free cable and Internet."

"That's what pretty much sold the majority of the population to our side," General Bludd explained. "Well, that and expelling most of California."

"I can see how that would be popular," Destro admitted.

"You kept the wine growing section, didn't you?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Yeah we dumped LA and all those Hollywood areas," Duke nodded. "We debated on keeping San Francisco and San Diego and all the coastal cities…"

"But odds are an earthquake was going to happen and they are probably going to sink into the ocean anyway…" Cobra Commander remarked. "Okay I see the logic there."

"You lot seem awfully calm for your old Commander to just be replaced all of the sudden," Zartan remarked. "The fact that this is a different Cobra Commander doesn't freak you out?"

"Not really," Duke sighed. "This has happened before. The King Cobra you knew was the fifth one we've had in six years."

"Other Cobra Commanders have taken over this dimension?" Destro asked.

"No, we just cloned our original one," Duke admitted. "They seem to mellow out each time they get cloned."

"At this point one Cobra Commander is as good as the next," Major Bludd shrugged. "All you do is sign papers, preside over official events and the occasional guest star on reality TV shows anyway."

"Which reminds me," Lady Jaye told him. "There's a whole bunch of forms you need to sign. So, if you let us take you to your office…"

"Hang on a minute," Cobra Commander waved. "If I'm going to be the ruler of this world, I want to do it in style! I want to start it off with a bang!"

"Well, there are a huge number of execution warrants that you have to sign," Major Bludd remarked.

"Who are we killing if the Joes are on our side?" Destro asked.

"Child molesters," Duke told him. "And distributors of child pornography."

"That's a good group to start with," Cobra Commander agreed. "I mean I don't have that many standards but I'd like to think…"

"Yeah, we're evil but we're not that evil," The Baroness agreed.

"There are such things as boundaries," Mindbender nodded.

"This coming from a man who sleeps with his own experiments," Destro added.

"ISIS," Duke counted. "The Taliban. A lot of other extremist terrorist groups. A whole bunch of Southern American drug cartels we can't seem to squash. Several European drug cartels we can't get rid of. The Mob. The Russian Mob. The Yakuza."

Flint explained. "We almost never get to kill them because they kill themselves before we get to them."

"Nazis…" Duke went on.

"Those guys are still around?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Give it a rest already! Those people are failures!"

"And that's him saying that," Zartan pointed.

"The Legion of Doom," Duke added.

"Hang on," Destro interrupted. "As in the comic book characters?"

"Not that Legion of Doom," Lady Jaye explained. "The Kardashians bought the trademark when they decided to become a supervillain group."

"Again, we almost never get anyone in that group," Major Bludd nodded. "And if we do it's usually an ex-husband or something. Kayne is still on the loose."

"Charlie Sheen and his Violent Army of Truth," Duke went on. "Turns out he actually had mutated tiger blood in his veins. The panel on the View. The panel on The Five."

"A lot of celebrities became super villains," Major Bludd explained.

"Yeah, I can see that happening," Destro remarked. "Have they caught The Baldwin Brothers yet?"

"Still out there," Duke shook his head.

"Damn it," Destro grumbled.

"Look my point is," Cobra Commander spoke up. "I'm going to start off my administration with a huge parade! Like Macy's! Only without the giant turkey!"

"Since Blood Wing didn't travel with us…" Destro began. "I'm assuming Commander you'll be staying at home to watch it?"

"I can legally have you killed without anyone knowing in this world!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You know that right?"

"I also know the combination to your wine cellar," Destro looked at him.

"I really should write that down somewhere," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Let's just have a parade!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Now this is more like it!" Cobra Commander waved to the crowds as he stood on a giant float. "Adore me my subjects! Adore your supreme leader!"

"Uh sir," Major Bludd spoke up. "You might want to stand under the canopy." He indicated the canopy on the float he was standing under with the other Cobras.

"Nonsense!" Cobra Commander huffed. "How can my adoring subjects see me under that?"

"Well, uh sir," Major Bludd coughed. "There's one little thing you're not aware of."

"Oh and what is that?" Cobra Commander asked as he waved. "Snipers?"

"No…Uh…" Major Bludd looked upwards. "LOOK OUT!"

"SQUAWK! S QUAWWWK! SQUAAAAWK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as a flock of pigeons flew over him. Then let loose their payload.

"We have a slight sentient pigeon problem in this dimension," Major Bludd winced.

"NOW YOU TELL ME!" Cobra Commander shouted, covered in bird poop. "THIS MEANS WAR!"

"This is going to be one of those dimensions, isn't it?" Destro sighed.