Rayna
As she drove home she felt numb. She had to admit that it had felt a little bit like they kept going in circles, but she also felt like they just weren't getting to the heart of the matter. Maybe it was fear, that if they faced it they might discover they couldn't find a way back. She knew that she felt that sometimes Deacon didn't want to acknowledge the full extent of what he'd done. She didn't know if he thought he wasn't to blame or if it was just that it was too painful to dissect. So maybe this 'homework' Dr. Jensen had given them was a good thing.
She spent some time that afternoon sitting in the church she'd gone to as a child. Once her mom had died, Lamar had only taken Tandy and her to church at Easter and Christmas. But later on, as a young woman involved with a man who had addictions, it had become a place for contemplative thought and prayer. It had been some time since she'd been there, but when she walked in she found the quiet calming, as always. There was no one else there, so she had the place to herself. The sun was shining through the windows and across her back and she felt herself start to relax.
She had always felt more spiritual than religious. The rules and protocols weren't as appealing to her as the feeling that there was someone looking out for her, someone she could call upon when she needed guidance and understanding. The Al-Anon group she had participated in for a short while was held in a church and she had found comfort in that, but since then she knew she'd mostly depended on herself to get through the trying times and the big decisions. This felt like something that was out of her hands in many ways. She could do the work with Dr. Jensen, but in the end she would need more than her own counsel.
The sessions with Dr. Jensen were hard. She wasn't quite sure what she had expected but she'd been a little surprised at that. It felt, in many ways, like it was tearing them apart more than it was helping them try to put things back together. It raised more questions, at least for her, as to what she wanted and if she really did want that with Deacon. She didn't want the pain anymore, but she also knew that no relationship would be pain free all the time. She thought back to Dr. Jensen's question for her – what would it take for her to forgive Deacon.
As she thought about it, she started to consider that forgiving and forgetting were two different things, as Dr. Jensen had said. Forgiving didn't give Deacon a free pass but it meant they could more freely explore what it would mean for them to give grace to one another. She wondered if they were on the same page as far as the outcome of all this work. At a minimum she wanted what she'd told him, a path to coexistence and peace. She believed he wanted more and she couldn't deny that there was a very tiny piece of her that wondered if that was still possible.
She looked up at the cross and the stained glass window at the front of the church. I know it's been a while since I've come here and asked for help. I know I've had blessings in my life, but I've also had to overcome so much and I've mostly chosen to go it alone. But I can't do this by myself. I really need you now. I need you to help show me the way. She breathed in deeply, feeling the sting of tears in her eyes. Please.
Maddie was upstairs and Levi was in the kitchen with her as she worked on getting dinner together. She smiled as she looked at him. While Maddie looked so much like Deacon, Levi seemed to favor her a little more, with his light brown hair flecked with copper highlights and his blue eyes with just a touch of gray. He was sitting on one of the stools at the island, telling her about his day at school. He'd only recently turned 5 so he was in pre-school. She always thought of that as playing on the playground, taking naps, and having a snack, but it seemed so much more than that these days. Those things were certainly part of it, but there was a lot more learning that went on. Since it was fall, the class had been talking about the changing colors of the leaves as well as the upcoming Halloween activities.
"So have you decided on a Halloween costume?" she asked her son. They had discussed several options and with Halloween just a week away, he needed to decide.
"I'm gonna be a fisherman," he said.
That was new. It wasn't something they'd talked about before. "A fisherman? What made you decide that?" She wondered just what a fisherman costume would look like. He was very interested in fish and had loved the experience they'd all had in Seattle when they went to the fish market, but she was still unsure where he'd gotten the idea.
Levi puffed his chest out a little. "Me and Dad are fishermen," he said. "He's gonna bring me my fishing pole from the cabin." She knew Deacon had been letting him fish off the dock when he would take them to the cabin. So far Levi hadn't shown the same level of interest in music that Maddie had at his age, so it sounded like fishing had been their thing. "And his straw hat."
"Well, that sounds great. I can't wait to see it." Deacon hadn't mentioned it to her, but maybe he thought Levi had. She'd have to ask.
"Can I go trick or treating with Dad?" She looked at him with surprise. Normally she would take them out trick or treating. Her neighborhood was more established than the area of East Nashville where Deacon lived. Deacon hadn't said anything about it and she wondered how this had come up.
"You don't want to trick or treat around here?"
"I just wanna do it with Dad."
"Well, I guess your father and I will have to talk about it." It made her stop for a minute. Up to this point, the kids were kind of a package deal and she'd not thought a lot about them having independent interests that might have them lean more towards one parent or the other. She also hadn't thought a lot about the fact that Levi was growing up and might be at that age where he was aligning more with the male figure in his life. Things dads and sons might do together, interests they might share. She made a mental note to talk to Deacon about Levi's request, but she also wanted to give that more consideration herself.
After she had put the kids to bed, she stood for a while at Levi's door. She thought about when he was first born and how protective she'd felt of him. Even though Deacon had been there at the hospital, he had not been there for her during her pregnancy. She had felt so very alone and found herself feeling like she was all Levi would have. But as she thought on it now, that was not the case at all. In fact, it never had been. Deacon had stepped up right away, taking Levi on as a newborn. She'd been afraid it would be too much for him, an infant and a 4 year old all on his own, but he'd done it. Thinking about Levi's desire to go trick or treating with his dad made her realize that her son had never had to be without his father. She really couldn't hold onto her anger on behalf of Levi. It was on her own behalf that she needed to settle it.
The question for her then was can I forgive him and let him back into my life. What is it that I want, for myself? How does he fit in? Or does he fit in at all?
Deacon
He went to a meeting after he left Dr. Jensen's office. He admittedly didn't put his full attention on it at first because he kept replaying the session with Rayna in his head. He thought about Dr. Jensen's words to him. What if the hurt is such that it can't be fixed or, as you said, it's standing in the way of moving forward. He kept waiting for her to tell him what he needed to do to get them past it. But what if there wasn't anything he could do? Or what if he just wasn't going about this the right way? He didn't want to believe that Rayna would never forgive him. She always had. This seemed different though. In the past he could say 'I'm sorry' and that usually got them past the worst of it. But that wasn't working anymore. Maybe she didn't know what it would take for her to forgive and move past it. Maybe it was up to him to figure it out.
He noticed then that someone was standing at the front of the room, sharing her story. It had been a while since he'd done that too. He hadn't been sure he was ready for it. He couldn't remember the name of the woman who was speaking, but she was someone who'd been coming for a few months and who hadn't really talked about her journey much. She was older than he was and was one of those people who seemed to blend into the woodwork. He'd thought she looked defeated, but then she was coming to the meetings, so she was at least trying. He remembered how hard it was to do this, to commit to coming to meetings and doing all the work. Then she said something that caught his attention.
"I've been trying to work through all the steps but I've been struggling with making amends. I've hurt a lot of people, especially my family, with my drinking. I've lost a lot. My marriage, my job, my family." She seemed to choke on a sob. "My kids." She got control of herself. "I'm doing all this work but they won't let me back in their lives. This isn't the first time I've tried this. I've been to rehab twice and I don't really wanna go back, but unless I can figure this out, it feels like it's just gonna put me back in that dark place. But just the other day my sister said something to me that I hadn't heard before. Or maybe I heard it, but I didn't listen. She told me they wanted to believe me, but they didn't trust me. I'd broken that trust every time I let this... thing take me over again. I'm not real sure what exactly it will take for them to trust me again, but I know I gotta do it. Figure it out."
Trust. He didn't know why he hadn't realized that before, but trust was the key. He'd built up trust with her all those years he'd stayed the course and been a good husband and father. He knew that early on she worried, and it had bugged him that she did, but at least she had wanted to trust him. She had believed he was committed and she had rewarded that with her trust. And he'd destroyed it. Or at least made it difficult to regain.
As he drove home he pondered the whole trust issue. He'd gained her trust the first time by sticking with the program, doing the work, showing her he could be dependable and reliable. This time though he'd hurt her more deeply. He hadn't been dependable or reliable. He'd been selfish and he'd even been cruel. Things not easily fixed. The one thing he had done well was to be a good father. That he knew for sure. And it had to count for something. If he could just show her she could trust him with her heart again. That would be a lot harder to do. That he also knew for sure.
He had just set a second guitar by the door when his phone rang. He was getting ready to head over to the Bluebird, where he would be performing the second show. He liked getting over there earlier though to check out whoever was playing at the 6 PM show. In all the years he'd been in Nashville he'd probably played at most every listening room and live music venue in Nashville and the surrounding areas. The Bluebird was his favorite. It had a mystique about it, as the place to be discovered. That probably wasn't completely true, as people were discovered everywhere, but it always felt like he'd been given a golden ticket whenever he got to perform at an open mic night. And then, of course, it was where he'd met Rayna, which made it even more special. He thought about letting the call go to voice mail, but something made him stop, put down the guitar, and walk over to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey. Deacon." He felt something like butterflies in his stomach at the sound of her voice.
"Hey," he said. "What's up?"
"Did I get you in the middle of something?"
"Nah. I was on my way to the Bluebird, but I don't go on until the second show."
"Still like to hear the competition?" He could hear the smile in her voice.
He smiled to himself. "Something like that."
"Well, the reason I was calling was 2 things, actually. I was, uh, talking to Levi yesterday and he told me he wanted to be a fisherman for Halloween and that you were going to give him a fishing pole for his costume."
"Yeah. I told him I'd give him a fishing cap too."
"He also said he wanted to go trick or treating with you. Did you talk to him about that?"
"No, I didn't. First I heard of that." It surprised him. "I know you like to do that though, so if he says something about it, I'll..."
"No," she interrupted. "I actually think it would be nice. You could take both of the kids. I'd just ask that you do it around here, if that's okay with you."
"Sure. I'd love to do that." Halloween was really Rayna's holiday. She loved all that kind of stuff. He usually went someplace to listen to music, leaving the lights turned off. "Thanks, Rayna."
"Well, good. We can talk more about details later." There was a pause. "I, uh, I also thought it might be good if we could find some time to, you know, talk. Without Dr. Jensen. Kind of follow up on... things."
"Anytime, Ray. Just let me know when."
"What about tomorrow?"
"Sure. Where?"
"How about our place at the park?" He was surprised by that. There was a place at Shelby Bottoms where they had gone to write sometimes, a place that was fairly secluded. They had gone more often during the early days, but later, when they'd get stuck, it was a place where they could often figure out a breakthrough. It had obviously been a very long time since they'd been there. "Maybe 11-ish?"
"Yeah. I can do that."
"Good. I guess I'll see you there tomorrow."
"Sounds good."
"Have a good show, Deacon." And then she hung up. He stood for a moment, still holding the phone, thinking that it was a call he hadn't expected. When he put the receiver down, he wondered if maybe this was a good sign for them.
It was a crisp autumn day. The sky was overcast and the air was a little chillier than normal. It was just a couple days before Halloween, so fall weather was finally appearing in Nashville. He walked down one of the trails into a wooded area, then turned off on a dirt strip, in between two groups of trees. The leaves were just past peak color but had mostly not fallen off just yet. It would be easy to miss the turnoff because it wasn't well groomed. But about a hundred yards back it opened to a clearing that contained a picnic table and a cinder block fire pit. Rayna was sitting on the top of the picnic table, her hands clasped in her lap. She was wearing jeans and a well-worn jean jacket, a colorful scarf wrapped around her neck and a pair of scuffed boots. Her hair was pulled back off her face, wound into a low bun.
He approached and then got up on the table next to her. He leaned forward, his arms resting on his legs. "Hey," he said, as he turned his head towards her.
She gave him a quick smile. "Hey." She straightened her back and breathed in. "It occurred to me on the way over that this place might not be the same as I remembered, but I was glad to see that it was." She nodded towards the fire pit. "Well, except for that. I don't remember that being here."
He looked over at it, then back at her. "I don't think it was." He had decided, on the way over, that he would let her lead the conversation, so he waited for her to start.
She looked up towards the sky, closing her eyes for a moment, then back at him. "I know you've been frustrated with our sessions with Dr. Jensen."
He sighed. "It ain't so much frustration as it is not knowing, you know, what to do. I get that we should be talking about all this, but I guess I'm looking for what comes next. What do we do about all this stuff we been talking about."
She nodded. "I understand. What do you think we should do?"
He barked out a frustrated laugh. "Own it and move on." She frowned. "I don't want to keep talking about the same stuff over and over, Rayna. I don't need to do that. I just need to figure out how to get over the hump."
"You don't think it's helpful to dig into why those things happened?"
"I know why they happened, Ray. I was selfish and stupid and wanted what I wanted. I let other people tell me that what I wanted and what I was doing was okay and I believed it. I wasn't gonna let anything get in the way of trying to get that solo career and that included you. And I ended up doing all of it for nothing." he had a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes. She looked down at her hands. He tried to swallow over the lump. "I just need to know how to get you to trust me again."
She didn't say anything at first. Then she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't know, Deacon." She looked at him. "I don't think it's as simple as you're trying to make it sound. Yes, you were selfish. I can agree with you there. I don't even think I care about that part anymore. We're all selfish to some degree about the things we want. I am too. But it was more than that. I think the part I'm struggling to get past is how little regard you had for me when I was pregnant with Levi." He started to interrupt but she held up her hand. "I know you love him. I know that once he was here, you stepped up. But you withdrew from me completely. And of all the times you did it to me, that one hurt the most. And it makes it hard for me to truly trust you, because I know it's possible for you to do it again."
He dropped his head. "So there's nothing I can do." It made his heart hurt, but he could only blame himself.
"I don't know. Every time I think about letting you back in my life, I remind myself I don't want the pain. You can hurt me like no one else in my life, Deacon." She sighed. "I love you." He looked up at her. "I really do. Even when I don't want to. I'm not sure I can stop. But it's just not that simple anymore. There's so many layers. It's not just you and me anymore, Deacon. I have to think about Maddie and Levi and it's not that I think you'd cause them pain, but if you were to do that to me again, it probably would be the last time. And that would hurt them."
He sighed. "It don't sound like there's anything I can do. I don't want you to think I'd do this again though." He leaned forward and rubbed his hands over his face. "I don't want this to be the end of... us."
"I know you don't. But I'm just not there. At least not now. If I even think about it, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack."
"You think about it?"
She shrugged. "You've kind of put me in a position where I have had to... at least consider it. I know we have this history and we have Maddie and Levi but there's been so much pain and hurt." She smiled, a little sadly he thought. "There's been a lot of sweetness and love and we're just so interconnected. But there's also this chance we could burn ourselves up. I'm not sure I can risk it."
"I feel like the only way I can show you that you can trust me is for you to let me. You know you can trust me with the kids, so it's just you now. And you gotta tell me what that looks like." He stepped off the table then and stood in front of her. "I screwed up, no, I fucked up. I know it and god I wish there was a way for me to do that over or take it back, but I can't. I was selfish. I wanted that brass ring and I didn't want nothing to stand in my way. I know you don't believe this, but I loved you, Rayna. Loved you every single day, but I know I didn't show it to you. And not just 5 years ago, but 10 years ago and 15 years ago. I'm the screw up in your life and you shown me grace I didn't deserve but I guess it's too much and too late this time. I wish I could change it all, 'cause I would if I could. It's hard looking back and seeing all that stuff I done. To you. The person I love more than anyone else in my life. I'm sorry ain't enough, I know, but I am. I wish I could tell you that I'd never screw up again but I don't know that I can promise that. But I can promise you this – I won't ever walk away again. Ever."
She didn't move. Her hands were clasped in her lap and he could see the tension in her body. He couldn't read her expression. He expected her to get up and walk away. Or if not that, she would let loose on him. I deserve that. either way. I deserve that.
Rayna
She sat still, almost not breathing. She threaded her fingers together and held them in a tight ball in her lap. So tight it hurt. There was a kaleidoscope of emotions that ran through her on a loop – anger, hurt, fear, pain, loss, apprehension. She'd kept herself so boxed in that it was hard to even consider letting go.
He kept talking. "I never meant to cause you pain. But I did anyway. And god I regret that." He ran one hand through his hair. "You know, I don't think all this is really about us being better parents to Levi and Maddie. We're already good parents. We're already respectful to each other about them. This is about us. About whether we can ever be us again." His eyes were glassy with tears and she felt pressure in the back of her throat, tears pressing against the back of her eyes. "I'd do anything for you, Rayna. For you and our kids. I'd do anything to show you I've learned from all this. I took the best thing I ever had and took it for granted. Selfishly." He hit his chest with his hands. "I take it all. I just wish I knew how to make you see it, make you want to trust me again. But maybe you can't tell me what that is. Because maybe there ain't nothing I can do." A tear trailed down from one eye and he reached up and brushed it away. "I'll do whatever you want. I don't know if what we're doing with Dr. Jensen is doing any good, but if you think it is, I'm still all in. I just need you to know that."
She breathed in slowly, but it felt uneven. Her mouth felt dry and she could feel her fingernails digging into her skin from clasping her hands together so tightly. She hadn't expected this. And it was a lot. She wasn't even sure what to say in response. But she had to try. She couldn't let him think what he'd said didn't mean anything. She let her breath out in a whoosh and swallowed hard.
"Maybe you're right," she said. "Maybe it's not all about our kids. Maybe it is about us. But which us?"
He shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe that's what we gotta figure out."
She finally disentangled her hands, then rubbed the palms against her jeans. She could feel tears in her eyes. "You know, I feel like this has been such a balancing act for so long. I'm trying to be strong for everyone and part of that means holding things in so close. I feel like if I let go, everything will shatter and I'll never be able to piece it back together. You know?" He nodded but she could see that he was struggling to keep it together, just like she was. "I think I haven't really taken the time to think about who we are to each other anymore. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what that looks like or even what I want it to look like." It was just all so complicated. "You've been part of my life, in one way or another, since I was 16 years old. And you still are. If you'd asked me 5 years ago who you were to me, I know I'd have a very different answer than I did in the beginning. And I probably would have a different answer today if I really thought about it. But I'm afraid to think about it, because I might lose it, you know?" She took a deep breath.
He shoved his hands in his pockets. She could see the twitch in his cheek where he'd set his jaw. "We ever gonna talk about that kiss?" There was an edge to his voice. Part of her wanted to tell him it had been foolish, that he needed to not push, but the kiss had been amazing. And it had paralyzed her. She hadn't been able to wrap her mind around it.
"I don't know," she said. "I'm just not sure what to say."
He breathed in deeply, his cheek still twitching. "Maybe we need to take a minute. Or a couple minutes. I think you need to. Figure out the direction you want to go." She nodded. "So I'm gonna go. Let me know what you want to do next."
She nodded again, unable to speak. She watched as he turned and headed back down the dirt path, until he disappeared from sight. She continued to sit, tears rolling down her face. It was quiet all around her, except for the sound of leaves being tossed in the breeze. She hunched over a little, wrapping her arms around her waist. It wasn't really cold, but the light wind against her cheeks made it feel chilly.
Seeing him in this place where they had written quite a few songs together had brought back memories. And emotions. He looked like he always did – wearing a Henley t-shirt under his jacket, well worn jeans, and his dusty boots. He still dressed like he had back when she'd first met him. If it wasn't a Henley shirt, it was a flannel shirt or maybe a denim shirt. In the warmer months it was a t-shirt, either with or without some logo on it. Jeans and dusty boots. She shivered a little and then thought about what it felt like to have his arms around her, keeping her warm. She'd always felt like she was home. When he had put his arms around her after she'd talked him into staying on the tour, the way he'd held her when he'd kissed her in the elevator, it had felt natural. There had been a rightness to it.
This is about us. About whether we can ever be us again. Was it really? He was right – they were respectful to each other about the kids. That had really not been their issue. What was it she had really wanted from the relationship? To be friends. That was true, but that hadn't really been the problem for the past few years. They had managed to be friendly, if not truly friends. It was that connection they had, the one that made it hard not to want more than that. If she was honest, she'd felt it when he kissed her at the cabin and when she'd kissed him back. And then in the elevator. She'd been protecting herself though. And she hadn't allowed herself to forgive him, because forgiving made her feel like she was absolving him. Dr. Jensen had said it wasn't that, it was letting go of the hurt and the pain and the anger so she could move on. But it was hard to really believe that.
She thought back to the night she'd first seen him, at the Bluebird. She didn't meet him that night, that came later. But she'd fallen in love with him that night. At 16 years old. She knew nothing about love. She hadn't grown up knowing what it was. But she had known that night, deep in her soul, that she had met her one true love. They couldn't have been more different in the ways outsiders would have judged them, but it didn't matter to her. And it hadn't mattered to him. Music was their love language and she had known that before she'd even written a line of verse or hummed a melody with him. Instead of growing apart over the years, they'd grown closer, knitted together. Yes, they had struggled, through the dark years of his addiction, but they had figured it out. Or so she'd thought.
We ever gonna talk about that kiss? She'd been avoiding it. Hoping that if she said nothing for long enough, he'd let it go. But she knew better than that.
Deacon
Halloween was a Friday night. Beginning on Sunday it would be his week to have the kids. Rayna had suggested that he just take them after trick-or-treating – actually she had texted him – and he assumed it was so there wouldn't be time for them to talk about the meeting at the park. She had also cancelled their Saturday session with Dr. Jensen and had yet to schedule a new appointment. Every time he thought about how she had avoided talking about the kiss, the more it burned him. She'd been more interested in talking about his failures in their counseling sessions. He understood – she struggled with what he'd done and not done – but it had felt like they could never resolve those things, which then prevented them from talking about that kiss. Not so much about the kiss itself, really, but about what it represented.
"Rayna, what, to you, is the most difficult event to move through?" Dr. Jensen said to Rayna. "And what were you hoping would change?"
She looked at him, her eyes practically emotionless, then back to Dr. Jensen. "We were having a baby. A baby we had talked at one time about wanting."
"We hadn't talked about timing," he interrupted.
She looked at him angrily. "But it happened anyway. And after all the talk about how you wanted to be a good father to Maddie, you didn't want this."
He felt tense. "It wasn't a matter of not wanting it, Rayna. I was there when Levi was born, remember? I wanted to be there for that."
"But you weren't there for me."
"Talk about why that was important, Rayna?" Dr. Jensen said.
"I felt abandoned already. He'd already decided he'd rather leave us and then he just persisted in doing it at a time when, as a mother, I needed him most."
"How did you feel about that, Deacon?" Dr. Jensen turned to him. "How do you feel about that?"
He breathed in slowly. "Rayna's the strongest person I know. She didn't need me to do that."
"It wasn't that I couldn't do it. It was that I wanted you to be emotionally involved. Like you were with Maddie."
He clenched his jaw. "You wanted me to give up my dream, Rayna. I wasn't there for a lot of when you were pregnant with Maddie, remember? When you told me I had to go to rehab?" He glared at her and she looked away. "I was there when it mattered. I was there when Levi was born and I was a father to him from the first."
"I've never said you weren't. But you would barely look at me. You didn't express any interest in how I was doing or what the doctor said. You weren't interested in even coming to those appointments with me. And you've never explained why."
He fumed. "That ain't true. I always asked how you were doing and about doctor appointments. And I was on the road, Rayna. I wasn't there most of the time to even go. That's not fair to change the story."
"You could have been there if you'd really wanted to. I needed you and you weren't around."
Dr. Jensen looked at Rayna. "What is it that you need now to move forward, Rayna? What do you need from Deacon?"
That was always the rub. He never felt like he really understood what she needed. Things just shut down and seemed to every time she brought it up. He had tried to provide explanations, but the truth was he couldn't explain it. At least not in a way that she understood or that didn't sound incredibly selfish and heartless. He regretted it tremendously, knew it had been wrong, but he'd been laser-focused on his career and he was still carrying some of the anger he'd felt when it seemed she wasn't supportive. But talking about it wasn't going to change it. It had happened and he believed that he'd made up for some of it by being present in Levi's life. He'd had to push for that in the beginning, but being a father to his children was the most important thing in his life then. And now.
He wasn't sure anymore what the endgame was for the sessions with Dr. Jensen. Was it to heal what had been broken or was that something that wasn't possible? He just really wanted to have the chance to prove to Rayna that the Deacon he'd been then was not the same Deacon he was now. He wanted her to admit that this wasn't really about the kids anymore, that it was about whether they could ever get past the hurt he'd caused her.
He sighed. He picked up his bag then and slung it over his shoulder. Then he grabbed the fishing pole and hat and let himself out onto the porch. He locked up and then turned to look out over the lake. This had been a place that had meant so much to the two of them. It had been his gift to her and seeing her face light up when he'd brought her here for the first time had just proven to him that he would do anything for her. It had still taken many years of struggle to get to the place he'd always dreamed of for them. Two arms around me, heaven to ground me, and a family that always calls me home. Four wheels to get there, enough love to share and a sweet, sweet, sweet song. At the end of the day, Lord, I pray, I have a life that's good. It was that simple and yet it had spiraled out of control. He wanted to get back to that, but he wasn't sure if they could unless he could get her to break down the barriers.
The breeze picked up and he could hear the leaves rustling in the trees and see the light chop on the water. He turned and headed down the porch and out to his truck. He put the rod and bag in the back and then got in the driver's seat and tossed the hat on the seat beside him. He turned the ignition and backed out onto the road, then drove towards the highway and Nashville.
Rayna
She found a place to park on the street about half a block down from the address Sadie had given her. she had thrown her notebook into a large tote before she'd left the house and it was all she'd brought with her. Sadie could handle the guitar, which meant she didn't have to display her less than stellar guitar skills. Sadie had told her she had a piano, so she was covered if she needed to do any melodies herself. She had guitars, had always had guitars. Her mom had given her a guitar on her 10th birthday, along with some lessons. It had been her proudest possession, even though no one would call her a great guitar player. She was capable, but had learned long ago that she would never be the type to showcase herself with one in hand. She'd had Deacon for that. As she walked up the street to Sadie's house, she thought about how he'd shown up to her house on Halloween with a fishing pole and hat for Levi. Levi had been thrilled as he had proudly marched out of the house with the rod in one hand and his trick-or-treat bag in the other. After a couple of hours, he'd brought the kids home and she had handed him their suitcases for the week.
She knew they still needed to talk about what had happened in the elevator in Atlanta. Actually, she wasn't sure that was completely true. Deacon needed to talk about it. She thought they probably should. At some point. But she still wasn't sure what to make of it or what to say about it. What she wanted in its aftermath. It was tricky. It was clear to her what his intentions were. She knew he wanted to explore what it meant that she had kissed him back and leaned into him and held him close. He wanted a future with her. She'd held on so tight for so long to her anger and pain that even thinking about letting that go made her dizzy.
She stopped in front of Sadie's house. It was a cute Craftsman bungalow in the Lockeland Springs area of East Nashville, not far off Eastland Ave. She walked up to the front porch, which extended across the face of the house. There was a porch swing on one end that reminded her of the one at the house she and Deacon had shared in Inglewood. There were 2 rocking chairs just to the right of the front door. it looked cozy and homey. She knocked on the door and waited. Sadie opened the door within seconds, almost as though she'd been standing there.
"Hey," Sadie cried, a huge smile on her face.
She reached in for a hug. "Hey there, girl." She followed Sadie into the house and looked around as the other woman closed the door. It was a small place, but Sadie had given it a welcoming feel. "I'm so glad we're finally doing this."
Sadie nodded enthusiastically. "Me too. Do you want some coffee?"
"That would be great." She followed Sadie into the kitchen, another small but homey space. "I love your house."
Sadie was getting mugs from the cabinet. "Thanks. I just moved in here back in the spring. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was the perfect place." She poured coffee, then handed her a mug. There was sweetener and cream on the table and she fixed hers the way she liked it.
"Deacon and I had a place in Inglewood, just a mile or so from here. A cottage we rented and then later bought. This is just such a great area, especially when you're starting out. It's so creative and there's so much music around."
Sadie sat down across from her. "It really is. It's so inspiring."
"I miss it sometimes," she said. "I really needed someplace that was more secure though, once I had kids."
"Oh, I'll bet. I'm sure you live in a beautiful mansion now." She could tell that Sadie said it in a nonjudgmental way.
She laughed. "Actually, I did for a little while. An estate, really, over near Percy Warner Park. But I moved to something smaller before Levi was born. I really didn't need all that space." She took a sip of her coffee and then changed the subject. "So how's the record coming?"
"Good, really. I've been in the studio quite a bit and I think everything's coming along really well. We should be done before Christmas." She grinned. "I'm hoping one day I can be the next Rayna Jaymes."
She smiled but shook her head. "You don't want to do that. You want to be the first Sadie Stone." She reached across the table for Sadie's hand. "And I think you're going to do just that."
The day seemed to go by quickly and it had been very productive. They had almost completed one song and had started working on another. They had agreed to get back together before Christmas to at least finish the first song. Sadie got up and put her guitar in its stand and then came back to sit down on the couch. "So do you need to pick up your kids?" she asked.
"No, Deacon has them this week."
Sadie looked thoughtful. "Do you miss them when they're with him?"
She nodded. "I do, but I know they're having a good time. They love spending time with their father."
"It has to be hard though."
"Well, it's not the way I thought it would be, that's for sure. When I met Deacon I thought we'd be together forever." She sighed. "Sometimes things just don't go the way you planned."
"You were together for a long time. Really right from the beginning, right?"
"Yeah, that's true. I was 16. Never thought at 16 that I would fall in love. And then stay in love for all those years."
"I know you were engaged to Luke Wheeler for a while. Do you want to find someone else?"
"I don't know." She was quiet for a moment. "I thought I did before I met Luke, but ultimately we didn't really see eye to eye on everything. Deacon and I were just so in sync and it was what made things work. I want someone who knows me and who I am deep down inside. And I want to feel the same. That we're kind of in lockstep." She felt the hint of tears. "I'm just not sure I'll ever find that again."