Chapter 22: Uncomfortable Talks
Monday was not a good day. Kurt spent the morning anxiously waiting for Rachel to come back from her doctor's appointment. He's worried her numbers dropped so he hopes she comes soon to tell them if there are any changes. He doesn't like coming to school without her, but knows it can't be avoided. Blaine avoided him all day. He wasn't surprised, but he was hurt. When he got the text message from Aunt Shelby stating that Rachel had had a moderate attack and wouldn't be coming to school at all, his already waning patience vanished and he started snapping at everyone and finding himself getting emotional over little things. Without his sister or boyfriend to comfort him, he's floundering. He tried to talk to Mercedes, but she's mad at him for talking to another guy (it seems Blaine got to her first), and he's still sort of mad at her for upsetting Rachel for convincing her not to take the solo. Kurt knows he could go to almost any of his other friends, so he spent Glee sitting with Brittany and Santana. He finds it a little amusing that those girls are two of Rachel's biggest supporters, in different ways. They also don't think just talking is cheating, so he takes comfort in their presence and reassurance.
And then Blaine asked to sing a song and sang "It's Not Right But It's Okay", a song about cheating. Of course he did an amazing job. And the entire club, minus Kurt, joined in singing with him as back up. Feeling utterly miserable, he spent the rest of Glee silent unless forced to sing. Despite knowing that Rachel agrees with Blaine about it being cheating, he decides to go to her house after school to talk or at least nap. Just being near her is usually comforting. When rehearsal ends, Kurt grabs his stuff and books it to his car. As he's walking toward the front doors, Blaine enters the lobby from another hallway just ahead of him. He makes a spur of the moment decision to talk to him.
"Blaine!" He jogs to catch up.
The ex-Warbler stops walking and his shoulders slump, his head drooping. Despite this less than enthusiastic reaction, at least he stopped walking away. Kurt sees it as a good thing. Once he's next to him, though, words fail him. Blaine shakes his head, his eyes already watering.
"What, Kurt?"
"I'm sorry."
"I know you are. But I need time."
"Time?" He meekly asks.
Blaine adjusts his bag on his shoulder. "Yeah. I think….I think we need some time apart."
There's a rushing sound in his ears and tears spring to his eyes. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Blaine's tears overflow. "Can you give me a reason not to?"
"I love you! And you love me!"
"You still turned to another guy instead of talking to me. And you kept it from me. I need time."
Kurt opens his mouth, but no words are forthcoming. His own tears spill over. Blaine walks away. Now he knows how Rachel felt two years ago when Finn walked away from her. Hopefully their split will be just as brief. Once he is composed and can drive safely, he heads to Rachel's house. Aunt Shelby sees his expression and immediately pulls him into a hug.
"You okay?"
"Blaine broke up with me."
"I'm sorry, honey. I'm sure you'll get back together. Just give him time."
He nods into her shoulder before straightening. Looking around, he doesn't see Rachel. "Where's Rach?" Aunt Shelby's expression changes, making his stomach clench. "What?"
She squeezes his arm. "She's in her room."
Walking into her room, he finds her sitting at her bay window. Her arms are loosely crossed and her head rests against the window pane. She turns to face him when he enters and the look on her face causes his feet to stop moving. And then its gone. He blinks and her expression changes. Now, she just looks tired. But he'd swear that for a moment she looked…..
"Hi." She peers closer at him and frowns. "Are you okay?"
Uncertain what just happened, he decides to brush it off for now. He joins her on the window seat. "No, but we'll get to me. Aunt Shelby told me you had a moderate attack. You okay?"
She moves so that their legs are entwined. "I am now. I was really, really tired afterwards."
"You still seem tired."
"It was different, Pan. It was really bad fatigue. I'm hoping it was a one time thing and not going to be how my body responds to every moderate attack from now on. But, other than being tired, I'm fine."
He debates questioning her on the look she couldn't hide fast enough, but decides against it for now. He'll keep it in the back of his mind, though. "That's good. How did the appointment go?"
She grins at him. "I slept through it."
"Oh. I'm guessing your mom talked to Dr. Reed, though. Or did you reschedule?"
"We didn't reschedule. Mom and Scott talked to him, then Mom gave me the cliff notes at home when I woke up." She pauses. He gives her the time she needs. "I have to increase my iron intake. I started shivering after the attack."
"That sucks. I guess I'll go back to keeping a warm sweatshirt or blanket in my locker and car."
"Thanks. It's not a huge deal. Thankfully it's starting to warm up, so I'm hoping it won't be too bad."
"What did he say about your numbers." He presses her for the important information.
She shakes her head slightly. "Those pesky numbers. They dropped."
"I'm sorry. A lot or a little?" He tries to read her expression.
"A lot. I dropped to stage two."
His stomach plummets. She said it gently, but the words themselves are like anvils. They feel like they're crushing him. He doesn't even realize he's breathing harder until she leans forward and takes his hand.
"Hey, it's alright. I'm sure I'll still be fine. It's just gonna take a little longer to fight off than we'd hoped." He wonders if she realizes that her words are a repeat of a conversation they had last time she was sick but decides it doesn't matter. She gives him an ironic smile. "Breathe, Kurt."
The short laugh instantly segues into a sob that he cuts off as fast as he can. This day really sucks. Rachel wasn't at school, she had a moderate attack, some of his friends aren't happy with him, Blaine broke up with him, and now he finds out that his sister is getting worse. The teenage boy loses his battle with his emotions. Rachel moves so she can hug him.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He murmurs over and over into her hair.
She holds him tight. He holds her tight as well, but worries about bruising her. He compensates by frequently adjusting his hold; that way one area isn't badly bruised. Then he worries that one bad bruise may be better than tenderness over a majority of her torso. Not knowing how to hug her as tightly as he needs to without hurting her melts the last of his resolve and he falls apart. Rachel continues to hold him tightly, never letting go. She even hums in his ear. When his sobbing calms to quiet tears, he pulls back slightly. Her faces is wet but calm. Kurt quickly dries his face, then uses his sleeve to dry hers. She smiles at him.
"You better?"
"I'll be better when you are, Tink."
Something in her eyes shifts. He's not sure what the change is, but he doesn't like it. Before he can ask her how she's feeling emotionally, she starts with her own questions.
"So we talked about me. Why were you already upset when you walked in?"
"Blaine broke up with me."
"I'm sorry, Kurt. You've had a bad day, haven't you."
He stares at her for a moment. "Rach, I'm really upset that Blaine broke up with me. I'm heartbroken. But that has nothing on learning that you're in stage two. You realize that, right? That hurts so much more. That scares me."
Finally, her expression reveals the hurt underneath. "Yeah. I'm scared, too." Then she takes a breath and she goes back to smiling. "But I'm sure I'll be fine. It'll just take longer."
"You will be fine." He eyes her worriedly. Following his gut, he gets up and shuts her bedroom door. She watches him in confusion. He returns to her and takes her hands. "You will absolutely be fine. You beat it once, you'll beat it again. You're a hardened warrior who knows all the necessary tactics to win the battles." She grins. He looks at her seriously. "But that doesn't change the fact that you're scared and hurting. You can break down, Tink. You can scream and rant and cry. It won't make you any less strong or brave."
Her eyes jump away, then back. Her hands twitch in his. "I cried. I got it out of my system."
"No you didn't. I mean, I'm sure you cried, but got it out of your system? I doubt that. Rachel, you don't have to hold it in. Not with me."
She stares into his eyes. The glimpse of the emotional pain she's in he'd caught when he'd first walked in reappears. "It won't be pretty." She whispers.
"It's not supposed to be." He retorts just as quietly.
It takes a couple more minutes of her staring at him silently. He wonders at what point she started holding back from him. And how didn't he notice sooner? Two tears trace down her cheeks.
"I can't." She whispers hoarsely. "I can't. Not right now. Not yet."
The depth of emotion in her eyes and tone make him want to scream at the top of his lungs. "Why not?"
She looks away and doesn't answer.
"Is this like after you found out you had Danton's again? When you went silent because you couldn't find the words to express how you were feeling?"
She nods.
"Okay," He says soothingly, "alright. Just…..please come to me or call me as soon as you do have the words. Even if it's one in the morning. You can tell me anything at any time. Vent, let it all out. Okay?"
She nods again, still not looking at him.
"And Rach, even if you don't want to talk and just want to cry or be held, that's fine, too."
Her face crumbles. She was trying not to, he could tell. He's glad she gave in. He pulls her so she's practically on his lap and wraps his arms around her. She cries into his neck.
"I don't want to do this again, Kurt."
The anvils crushing him completely obliterate his heart.
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He spent the night. He couldn't bring himself to leave her after that. When she'd calmed down, looking completely exhausted, they'd talked about how unfair it is. On the bright side, she'd appeared to be in better spirits after letting herself have that breakdown. She'd thanked him, saying that between him and her mom she feels stronger now. Rachel had gone back to talking positive and smiling a real smile. He's proud of her. They'd gone downstairs and joined Aunt Shelby and Scott for dinner. The four of them had watched a movie together, where Rachel curled up between him and her mom, taking comfort from both of them. When her gums bled while she brushed her teeth, she barely reacted. She'd calmly spit it out, rinsed her mouth out, and used mouth wash. As though it was a common place event and no big deal. He's glad she's not letting the little things bother her, but hopes she lets herself cry over the big things. It's not healthy to keep everything in. As they got ready for school together, she brought up telling their friends the bad news.
"I know I need to tell them, and I will. But…..they don't need to see just how scared I am. I hadn't even wanted you or Mom to know, but I can't exactly hide things from you two."
"Good. You shouldn't." He responds bluntly. "Especially about this."
"Right. So, I'm fine with breaking down with you two and even Finn, but the rest….."
Kurt frowns. "You want to hide it from them?"
"No! Not hide anything, just…." She huffs. "I'll tell them what's going on. I'm not going to deny being scared and upset. But they don't need to see me cry like I did last night."
"Why not? We're all family."
"We are, but do you cry in front of your extended family?"
"Not if I can avoid it." He admits reluctantly. "I guess I see your point. They can know you're upset but that doesn't mean you want to fall apart in front of them."
"I just think it'll be easier for them if they don't actually see it." Her eyes dart around nervously.
Something about her words make him uncomfortable, but he can't figure out what exactly. He does understand her reasoning, but the idea of her downplaying or hiding how she's feeling worries him. He reminds himself that she admitted she won't hide anything from him, her mom, or Finn. She probably won't hide anything from his dad either, now that he thinks about it. While they're very close to their other friends, like a family, he does get why she's going to try not to fall apart in front of them.
"Okay. I guess I can understand that. But Rach, if you do cry or fall apart with them, they'd be fine with it. They want to support you. They already know you're upset about being sick. Any of them would be fine with hugging you while you cry. Except maybe Sugar."
She grins. "She's not family. The rest are. I know they'll be there for me, but they should be focusing on their own lives. Especially the seniors."
He's still not entirely comfortable with it. "Please don't purposely hold back or hide things from them."
"I won't." She says while zipping up her bag. "And I already said I won't hide anything from you, Mom, or Finn."
"I guess that's fine then." So why is it still not sitting right with him?
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Holly pulls Rachel aside after class. Kurt lingers so he can walk her to her next class. Now that she has had two moderate attacks and is in stage two, she really shouldn't be alone. He wonders if she'd be allowed to bring Yero with her to school. Or if she'd be willing. Basically everyone in the school knows she's sick, so it's not like she has to be embarrassed. Not that it's anything to be embarrassed about.
"I'm sorry, Bright Stuff. If you need a break or someone to talk to, just let me know."
"Thanks. My Mom could probably use someone to talk to, too." Rachel says.
Holly smiles. "I'm already planning on reaching out to her, alright? Don't worry about your mom so much. She's as tough as you are."
Rachel smiles and hugs her. Kurt takes her arm and leads her to her next class. "Have you considered bringing Yero to school?"
"My mom brought it up, actually. She's going to talk to the school about it. It's against the law for them to ban him since he's a service animal, but we need to check any restrictions or requirements first."
"That makes sense."
"I know it'd be a good idea. I wa—"
Her arm is yanked from his and she cuts herself off with a shriek. Kurt's heart leaps into his throat and he spins around, half expecting to find her on the floor. He's both relieved and annoyed to find Finn holding her in a tight embrace from behind, leaving her feet dangling off the floor. Students walking past them laugh.
"Finn! What are you doing?!" She asks in annoyance.
"Yes, what are you doing, you buffoon?" He asks his stepbrother.
"Saying hi to my girlfriend."
"And you couldn't have done that in a way that didn't scare us both half to death?"
"It was more fun this way."
Kurt opens his mouth to point out that he could be hurting Rachel by grabbing her like that, but is interrupted by Rachel complaining that he and Sam are a lot alike. Finn puts her down gently and kisses her.
"Hey."
"Hey." Rachel responds with mild annoyance.
Finn gives her a lopsided smile. "Are you actually annoyed with me?"
"A little."
He kisses her pout. Her lips twitch as she tries to keep her pout, so he kisses her again. Kurt rolls his eyes.
"You two can stop at any time." He complains.
Finn shrugs unapologetically, but Rachel nods sympathetically. "Sorry, Kurt. We'll stop."
"In front of you, at least." Finn smirks.
Rachel smacks his chest. "Finn! Sorry, Kurt. Why don't you head off to class and Finn will walk me to my next class."
"Alright. I'll see you two later."
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She loves the feel of his strong body under hers. It makes her wonder what it'll feel like without clothes one day. They're not ready just yet, she knows that. But she also feels like they're getting closer to it. And as stupid and cliche as it may sound, she doesn't want to die without having made love to Finn. She still has a decent chance of surviving, but she also has a decent chance of not surviving. She's trying to keep both possibilities in mind and adjust her life choices accordingly.
His hand slips under her shirt and grazes her breast. She gasps in pleasure, enjoying the sensation. Unconsciously, she moves her hips against his and he groans. She runs her fingers through his hair and deepens the kiss. Rachel told him about being in stage two as soon as they sat in the auditorium. His face had fallen. He'd looked away from her, his hands clenching the armrests. He'd gulped down a lump in his throat and taken in a deep breath. He'd blown it out slowly with his eyes closed, then opened them. He'd gently framed her face with his hands.
"You will get better. Because you are Rachel Barbra Berry. You are beautiful, kind, loving, smart, hard working, ambitious, incredibly talented, and really fucking stubborn. You. Will. Survive."
And then he'd kissed her. She'd fallen into him as though she were a tightrope walker and he was her safety net. Secure in his arms and feeling beautiful and sexy and young and strong and loved, she'd kissed him back just as fiercely. Which is how they found themselves in this very heated make out session.
"And what exactly do you two think you're doing?"
They jump. Finn yanks his hand out from under her shirt. Rachel practically leaps off his lap and into her own seat next to him. Holly is glaring down at them with her arms crossed.
"Holly! We, uh—"
"Save it, sweet cheeks. I came to look for you two when I heard neither of you went to your next class. Since the two of you were found making out here last year, I figured it'd be a good place to start. I certainly wasn't expecting you to actually be making out again!"
"We just—"
"Nu-uh. Follow me."
Grumbling, the teens follow her. Rachel realizes she's leading them to the choir room and glances at the clock on the wall. It's almost time for Glee. She spent a lot longer with Finn than she'd intended. She doesn't regret it, though. A glance at her boyfriend tells her he doesn't particularly mind either. Holly has them sit in the front row and tells them to wait there. She disappears into Mr. Schue's office with a final warning that she can see and hear them.
"Think she's calling our moms?" Rachel asks.
"Probably. Maybe our coaches, too."
Rachel cringes. "Ugh. I don't want a lecture from Sue. I'm sure the one I'll be getting from my Mom will be bad enough."
"Same." Finn slinks down in his chair. Then he grins at her. "I don't regret it, though."
"Me neither."
They're still sitting there when classes change. Their friends walk in and greet them happily. When everyone is present, their coaches and Holly walk in.
"New plan for today, guys." Mr. Schuester tells them. "Today is not a singing or dancing lesson. Today's lesson is on Sex Ed."
Feeling like her face is on fire, Rachel stares at Holly wide eyed. Holly raises a challenging eyebrow. Rachel drops her gaze.
"That's right, you little hormonal monsters." Sue glares at them all. "It sounds like some of you are engaging in risqué behavior."
Rachel shrinks down in her seat, wishing the floor would open up and swallow her. In fact, she wouldn't be opposed to having an attack at this particular moment. Anything to get out of this!
"What? Who?" Sugar looks around with a grin.
"The better question is who got caught." Santana smirks.
The laughter and clear agreement from the teenagers causes the adults to look more annoyed.
"Well, let's see." Kurt says maliciously. He completely ignores Rachel's glare. "What couple among us went missing for all of last period?"
All eyes swing to Finn and Rachel. She crosses her arms and tries her best to appear unaffected. Finn is grinning with zero regret. It makes her smirk.
"Don't smirk." Holly retorts. "The two of you were found in a compromising position on school grounds."
"Exactly how compromising?" Puck grins.
"That's not important." Mr. Schue scolds him. "The point is we know you're hormonal teenagers, but we want to make sure you are making safe choices. Now, because we're a Glee club, I am required to involve music in some way. Holly will perform a number, then we will go over safe sex options."
Rachel is glad she's in the front row. As long as she doesn't move her head, she doesn't have to see her friends glaring at her in irritation. Then again, she can still feel the heat of their gazes on her back. Holly performs "Do You Wanna Touch" and the kids dance and sing along. The group had a fun time, but groan in annoyance when they're told to sit down and listen to a lecture on safe sex. When they start discussing STDs and teen pregnancy, Rachel and Finn once again slink down in their seats. There's a collective breath of relief when it finally ends.
"What the hell, Finnocence!" Puck snaps.
"Why were we subjected to that?" Quinn questions them irritably.
"Let's ask your friends." Sue smirks viciously. "Rachel? Finn? Care to share with the class what you two were doing alone together?"
The other kids snigger. Refusing to feed into their amusement, Rachel sits up straight and lifts her chin. "We were making out."
"Want to give a little more detail? Don't be coy. Where was your boyfriend's hand?" Holly asks pointedly.
The sniggers turn into full blown laughter. Finn raises his own chin. "Up my girlfriend's shirt."
Some of their friends applaud and hoot while others laugh. Kurt swats Rachel and Finn. Mr. Schuester shuffles his feet uncomfortably and is purposely not looking at either of them.
"And was that appropriate?" Holly asks.
"Given the situation, yes."
The adults look equal parts startled and annoyed while the other teenagers look on wide-eyed.
"What? Why would you think that's appropriate behavior?" Sue snaps.
"I was comforting my girlfriend."
The annoyance (or amusement, in the case of their fellow teens) on everyone's faces fades and is replaced with worry.
"What do you mean, Finn?" Mr. Schue asks.
Finn turns to Rachel questioningly. It's her place to say, not his. She shrugs lightly. "I found out I'm in stage two. I was upset and I told Finn and he got upset, then he was comforting me, though I like to think we were comforting one another."
"We were." Finn assures her.
There's silence. Rachel looks around at everyone's downcast expressions and raises her chin slightly. "I'll be fine, guys. It just won't be quite as fast or easy as we'd hoped."
"I'm sorry, Rachel." Sam tells her sincerely.
"Thanks, Sam." She smiles at him warmly.
Brittany hugs her tight, spurring others to do the same. Once everyone is seated again, Rachel turns to the silent adults. All three are watching her solemnly. She raises an eyebrow at them.
"So. Are we still in trouble?" She's not trying to be snarky or anything, but she's truly curious. Now knowing all the pertinent facts, are they still in trouble?
The adults share grim looks. Sue takes over. "No. You were never really in trouble. Regardless, it was a good idea to have this talk with all of you. And I'm still going to have the two of you join me for lunch today. It is still a lunch detention, but we'll use the time to talk about how you're feeling instead of discussing safe sex again."
The couple nods their agreement.
"Comforting one another is fine. But you don't need to have your hands in one another's clothes to offer comfort."
Rachel blushes.
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Tina is still laughing at her as they walk down the hall together later that afternoon. She and Mike have made good use of various closets, empty classrooms, and other nooks and crannies around the school, but they never got caught by a teacher. She takes great delight in teasing Rachel about it.
"To be fair," Rachel gripes, "you don't have to be constantly monitored. I can't go missing for more than a few minutes without a search party being sent out."
Tina's smile becomes more sympathetic. "That's true. That must really suck."
"It usually does. Like today, when I just wanted a couple minutes with my boyfriend."
"But that was more than just a couple minutes. Do you think they told your parents?"
"I'm sure of it. They're all friends with my mom, after all. Even if they didn't call as school officials, they'd tell her as friends."
"That is equal parts weird and wonderful. You know, sometimes when I really think about all of our relationships, I realize it's pretty weird. Wonderful, but weird."
Rachel doesn't respond. Needles pierce her chest. She slows down and grabs Tina's arm. Her friend stops moving and holds her steady.
"Rachel?"
She holds up a single finger and Tina nods in understanding. They stand unmoving in the hallway with classmates moving around them. Most ignore them, but some watch curiously as they pass by.
Rachel takes a deep breath. "Eventually, I'll be able to talk through those. Just not yet."
"It's not a big deal if you don't." Tina reminds her gently.
Right. Because she's not getting the solo. But she is participating in the other two songs. She doesn't want to risk disrupting the other songs by not being able to move or sing because of a mild attack. They resume walking, but the relaxed nature of their earlier conversation is gone. Tina frowns hard and keeps a hand on her. Rachel knows her friend is still a little upset from hearing she's stage two, but she's trying to act normal around her, which she appreciates. During Glee rehearsal that afternoon, Kurt sings a beautiful rendition of "I Have Nothing" to Blaine, who cries through it. Rachel is pretty sure they'll get back together in the near future. She hopes, at least. She also sees Mercedes and Sam holding hands. She's glad they're being open with their relationship now. And as she suspected, everyone else is in support of it; even if Quinn made an odd face at first.
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Why is this happening? Rachel squeezes her eyes shut and buries her face in her comforter. She is lying on her stomach on her bed, which is making it easier for her to hide her face. She is not comfortable but can't escape her current situation. Her mother is sitting on the bed with her. Normally that alone is comforting. In this particular moment, it is the reason she is uncomfortable.
"I know you're on the pill, but we only put you on birth control to regulate your menstrual cycle. If you recall, you were losing too much blood and ended up in the hospital because of it. That is why you're on a birth control pill. Not to give you the freedom to go further sexually with your boyfriend. Condoms aren't always 100% effective, either. You should—"
Rachel blindly reaches for her pillow. Her fingers grasp the cool, fluffy item and drag it closer. She presses it over the back of her head, hoping to press her face further into the bed. Futilely, she attempts to suffocate herself to get out of this lecture. She's debating the merits of faking an attack when the pillow is lifted off of her.
"Do you have any questions?" Her mother asks.
Rachel lifts her head off the bed just far enough to be able to respond. "No!"
A hand swats her bottom. "Don't get tetchy with me because you were caught behaving inappropriately with your boyfriend, young lady. Roll over and look at me, please. Show me you're taking this seriously."
With all the attitude of her 17 years, Rachel rolls onto her side and looks at her mom. "I'm taking this seriously."
"I really hope so. And I hope you were truly listening to what I was saying."
"I was." To prove her point, she rattles off a summary of her mom's talk. "Sex is a sacred act between two people who truly love one another and are in a committed relationship. It is not to be treated as a casual game. STDs are scary and bad. Birth control is for regulating my period. Condoms aren't 100% effective. Getting pregnant as a teenager would ruin my future. My body is already sick and can't handle pregnancy, so either me, the baby, or both, would die. I got it." She pushes herself into a sitting position. "We've had this talk before. Minus the new addition of being sick again and my body not being strong enough to carry a fetus to term."
"Apparently you needed to hear it again. This is serious, Rachel. You need to be more responsible."
Rachel groans. "Mom, his hand was on my boob! That does not cause pregnancy….despite what my father told me when I was little."
When her mom turns away, Rachel knows she's hiding a grin. "I still need to know that you're being safe and responsible."
"I am. We are. I promise."
"Good. If you ever want to ask any questions or talk about any aspect of what you and Finn are doing, please don't hesitate to come to me."
She's pretty sure that won't ever happen, but she appreciates knowing it's an option. "Thanks, Mom."
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Finn leans back in the kitchen chair with a contented sigh. His mom's corny carbonara is amazing and she knows to make triple the recipe because he scarfs it down. He's a growing boy, he needs his carbs. Thoroughly stuffed to the point of nearly being nauseous, Finn can't imagine moving. Kurt rolls his eyes but still puts his plate away for him.
"Thanks, Kurt."
"You're a pig. I'm not doing this to be kind. I'm putting your plate away so that I won't have to witness you devouring a fourth serving."
Finn laughs at his stepbrother as he leaves the kitchen. His mom and stepdad are finished eating, but are lingering at the table. He's pretty sure he knows why and groans internally. Of course the school called them. Burt clears his throat.
"I'm not gonna stay for this conversation. It's between you and your mom. But I want you to know that if you have any questions…..you know…..man to man…you can come ask me." Burt claps his shoulder and leaves the kitchen.
"Finn," his Mom begins, "we've already had the talk and I know your coaches took care of repeating it in school today."
He grins in relief. "Okay, cool." He stands up, debating what game he wants to play when he gets upstairs. FarCry or Call of Duty?
"Sit down, Finn. We're still going to talk."
Reluctant and confused, Finn retakes his seat. "What about?"
His mom sighs. "I'm glad you're there to comfort Rachel. She's going through a really hard time and while I could be wrong, I think this time around is harder on her emotionally."
He nods his agreement. "Yeah, I think you're right."
"So I'm proud of you for being a supportive boyfriend. But you two are too young for that support to include sex."
Finn flushes. "Mom! We weren't—"
"Was or wasn't your hand under her shirt?"
"It was." He mutters petulantly,
"You are hormonal teenagers. Things can get very heated very quickly. One minute your hand is up her shirt. Then her hand is down your pants. The next thing you know, you're both naked and having sex."
"We have a little more self-control than that." Finn argues.
His mom pauses and stares at him speculatively. She comes to a realization and her expression changes. "You've already gone further." Finn looks down. "Have you two had sex yet?"
"Mom, that's private!"
"Normally, I'd agree. But in this case, no it's not. Have you and Rachel had sex?"
"No! We haven't gotten that far." His face is on fire. He does not want to have this conversation with anyone, let alone his mother.
"Finn I need you to listen to me very carefully. Do you understand what would happen if Rachel got pregnant right now?"
"We're not—"
"Just answer the question."
He thinks about it. She's sick. Being pregnant on top of that would be…..bad. Plus it'd mean she wouldn't be able to go to NYADA. "It'd be bad."
His mom scoffs. "I don't think you realize how bad. Let's start with normal long term consequences, shall we?"
"I'd rather not." He mumbles.
She ignores him and goes on. "The two of you would be parents while teenagers. I know you'd be happy to stay in Lima and work at Burt's shop. You'd have our support and Burt would pay you enough to support yourself and your small family." Finn feels a small smile start to form on his lips. That honestly sounds amazing. His mother leans on the table, pulling his attention back to her. "But Rachel would have to give up New York. She'd have to give up going to NYADA. She'd probably have to give up her dreams of Broadway. Do you want to force her to give up what she's been dreaming of and working for her entire life?"
His stomach sinks. "No. I really don't. She should get to live her dreams."
"But the truth is, that wouldn't even be a question. Those are normal consequences. However, things are not normal. Rachel is very sick, Finn. Her body is fighting a life threatening illness for a second time. Pregnancy is very demanding on the body. It drains you. Her illness is already draining her. The fact is, if Rachel got pregnant right now, she'd die."
Finn's stomach twists and his mouth goes dry. "She wouldn't survive the pregnancy?"
"No. And neither would the baby. Even if she miraculously survived, it is highly unlikely that her body would be able to support a growing fetus. She'd lose the baby. If she got pregnant, she'd have no choice but to abort it. I want you to think about how hard that would be on both of you."
Finn stares at the table in silence. The absolute last thing he wants to do is cause Rachel any more pain; physical or emotional. Solemnly, he nods. His mom pats his hand.
"I'm here if you want to talk."
"Thanks." He mumbles.
He heads up to his room, turns on his Xbox, grabs his controller, and sits down. He stares at the Home Screen blankly. The controller slips from his lax grip and thumps on the ground. Finn flops on his back and ends up staring at his ceiling, illuminated by the glow of his television. He has a gorgeous girlfriend whom he intends to marry one day. They want to go all the way. She's sick and needs comfort. He needs comfort. They take comfort in one another. But going too far could be harmful. He scrubs a hand over his eyes and debates calling Puck. After a minute of indecision, he grabs his phone and calls his best friend.
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The comforter feels too warm. She tosses it off and stares at her wall. Stage two. Rachel releases a breath. It's all happening faster this time. She blinks back tears. She'll be fine. She'll rock her NYADA audition, win Nationals a second year in a row, graduate high school, go into remission, watch her mom and Scott get married, enjoy a fun summer, move to NY with Kurt and some other friends, and start college life. She will. Nothing will stop her.
Not headaches.
Not bloody gums.
Not bloody noses.
Not dizziness.
Not attacks.
Not fatigue.
Not getting sick frequently.
Not treatments.
Not the stupid blue pills.
Nothing will stop her. She will follow her planned path and fulfill her dreams. Rachel rolls over and stares at the ceiling. But if she doesn't…..if she can't…what will she do? She pictures her fellow seniors off living their lives next year and the juniors enjoying their senior year of high school. She pictures Kurt in NY without her. She pictures staying here, taking community college classes and spending her days at home resting. Or being too sick to even do that much and alternating between home and hospital. Finn will be here with her. He'd only go to New York for her, so surely if she's still in Ohio, he'll stay in Ohio with her. She sniffles and brushes away the tear slipping out. It's not fair. Even with Finn with her, and her Mom and the other adults, of course, it's still not fair. It's not what she wants. It's not what she's been dreaming of and working for. Would the others come back to say goodbye? If it came to that? Or would their college classes and wonderful lives be too busy for them to take off? Would they just wait for her funeral?
Rachel pushes herself into a sitting position and tries to regulate her breathing. Her hands clench her sheets, twisting them in agitation. Her chest heaves as she sucks in gulps of air. She can't do this. She can't—-
She caves in and leaves her room in search of comfort. Yero continues his slumber at the foot of her bed. She needs the one person who can calm the emotions raging inside her right now. It's a tad awkward now that Scott is here, but her need for comfort outweighs any awkwardness. Rachel silently pads over to her mom's side of the bed and slides in with her. Her mom shifts over and blearily opens her eyes.
"Rach? You okay?"
Rachel doesn't respond verbally. She curls into her mom and focuses on the physical sensation of being held by someone who loves her. Her mom rubs her back soothingly. She listens to the steady cadence of her mom's heartbeat.
"Deep breaths, princess. Take fuller breaths, you're okay. I've got you."
She basks in the warmth of the embrace and her breathing slowly returns to normal. Her muscles relax and her exhaustion tugs her eyelids closed. Safe in her mom-made cocoon, she finally drifts off to sleep.
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The little two pills in her hand are mocking her. They're supposed to help her medicine from her treatment work better. They're supposed to cause her body to accept the other medications more fully so she can get better. But that's not happening. She's worse. She dropped to stage two. What's the point? Rachel bites her lip. Why bother taking them if they're not helping?
"Rach?" She looks up. Her mother is peering into the bathroom. "Is something wrong?"
The words are on the tip of her tongue, but she swallows them down. Her mother was able to comfort her last night and she feels better. But bringing this up now would only serve to upset her mom. It's not worth it. So instead she smiles.
"Nope." She swallows down the pills. "All good."
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Shelby keeps one eye on her daughter while she's getting ready in the morning. She's supposed to leave work early to meet with some professionals about how exactly to prepare for a destination wedding. Now, though, she's worried. This is why she hesitated to say yes to Scott. Not because she doesn't want to marry him, but because she needs to be available to Rachel at all times. She needs to focus on her daughter's health; physical and emotional. Not be distracted planning a wedding. It's also why she tried to suggest a courthouse wedding. Rachel fell asleep in her arms last night and slept soundly through the night. In the morning she was a little hard to rouse, but she did manage to get up on the second attempt. Before they can leave for school, Shelby sits on the couch.
"Wait a sec, hun." Her daughter joins her on the couch. "How are you today?"
"I'm fine, Mom."
Shelby tries to read her expression. She seems calm and at ease. "You were really upset last night. You fell asleep before we could talk. Can you tell me what it was about?"
Rachel twists the hem of her shirt. "I was upset about being stage two. I mean I still am, but it hit me hard last night."
"And now?"
"I'm fine. I'm not happy, but I vented my emotions last night."
"I'm glad to hear it." She hesitates, but presses on. "What exactly were you thinking about last night?"
Rachel looks down, then out the window. "It wasn't any one thing in particular. It was the overall knowledge that I'm getting worse and what it could mean. That's all."
That's all. Shelby marvels at her daughter's ability to simplify major things. Everything she said is completely reasonable. But Shelby knows better. She knows her daughter's tells. She lied. Something specific did upset her but she's not ready to discuss it. Should she push her to be completely honest? Or should she be grateful that Rachel at least came to her for comfort and just keep encouraging her to open up to her? What if she pushes her and accidentally pushes Rachel away? Will she not come to Shelby for comfort in the future if that happens? But what if she doesn't push her and she's back to thinking a fast death would be best? Her stomach flips.
"Okay," Shelby tentatively accepts Rachel's explanation. She takes Rachel's hands in hers. "I'm really glad you came to me. Please, please come to talk to me as well. About anything and everything. I'm here for you."
Rachel smiles. "I know."
She seems so confident and at ease. Was she mistaken or is Rachel becoming a better actress? Is she getting better about hiding things or is Shelby panicking and overthinking everything? Shelby pulls Rachel into her arms for a hug.
"Please talk to me." She can't not say it.
"I do! And I will. I promise, Mom." Rachel kisses her cheek. "But we're gonna be late if we don't leave now."
"Right. Okay, let's go."
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Rachel watches bitterly as Mercedes leaves the group to work one-on-one with Mr. Schue on her solo number. She really is doing a fabulous job. But Rachel worries that Mercedes will stop putting in the hard work and go back to slacking off. Rachel wouldn't dream of slacking off; she'd put her all into it. Which, she realizes, is part of why they didn't want her to take the solo. A hand takes hold of hers and she looks over. Artie isn't usually very tactile with her, so she's pleasantly surprised.
"You're still our star."
Smiling, she gives him a big hug. "Thanks, Artie. That's really sweet."
After realizing she slipped up and revealed her true feelings, no matter how briefly, Rachel is more careful to keep them shoved down and a smile on her face. They spend a while working on their group number. The plan is to get this song nailed down, then focus on the second song until it's perfected, then rehearse both until the competition. A wave of dizziness hits her mid-song. Quinn catches her and holds her steady.
"No offense, but this is why I didn't think you should have the solo." The blonde tells her.
Sort of offended, Rachel frowns. "I get it, but it's not like I have any control over it."
"We know! That's more reason for you to have…..less of a presence…on stage."
Heat flares in her chest. Despite still feeling a little unsteady, Rachel steps away from Quinn. Blaine slips an arm around her waist. She leans into him while he leads her to a seat.
"Shut it, Q!"
"I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm making a point."
"She already gave up the solo." Mike points out.
"And that was a good choice. Maybe we should limit how much she's in the group number. We still have time to change it."
"We're not changing it, Quinn." Kurt says firmly.
"But if she gets dizzy during the competition…" Puck lets the possibility hang.
"So I shouldn't get to participate at all? Is that it?" Rachel asks them. No one responds. "Would you all rather I not be in it?"
"No! Of course not! You're part of this team, you're our co-captain and star, you're performing with us."
Sue clears her throat. "But it might not be a bad idea to practice a version that doesn't include her. Just in case."
Is she going to lose it all? "So is there any point in me being here?" She hadn't meant it to sound quite so hurt, but she couldn't hold it back.
"We had backup versions of our songs prepared for the last two years. We can do that again." Finn says quietly. He meets her gaze. "Just in case you're not up for performing on the day of the competition. That's the only reason."
She feels sick. The muscles in her face twitch as she struggles to not cry.
"But we're not performing without her." Blaine argues.
"We're not planning to." Tina says. "But she's stage two. None of us can guarantee that she'll be up for performing when Nationals rolls around. We'll plan for her to perform with us, but have a backup in place just in case."
"Like we did before." Brittany says.
She knows Blaine can feel the way her breaths are starting to hitch. Her bruises throb when he tightens his hold on her, but she needs the comfort he's offering. "That's not what I meant." He tells the others fiercely. "We're not performing without her."
There's a beat of silence as his meaning sinks in. Kurt nods. "He's right. Without Rachel, there is no Glee club."
"She's the heart of the club." Finn agrees.
"But does that mean the rest of us can't perform just because she can't?" Quinn questions.
"Can a body keep moving without its heart?" Blaine snaps.
Rachel wonders if his agitation is being fueled by her own reaction to this argument. She hates this. She absolutely hates this. At what point did whether or not she performs at all become a question? Last time this didn't happen until she was stage three. She already lost the solo, she doesn't want to miss out on the entire performance. However, she doesn't want to be responsible for the rest of them not performing, either. What should she do? At the moment, she wants to storm out like she did the last time this came up. Unfortunately, she's not up for it. Rachel doubts she could make it to the door under her own power at the moment. She's forced to sit here and listen to this painful argument. Sue raises her hands in supplication.
"Let's hold off making any decisions for now." She glances at Rachel. "We still have some time."
Rachel sits out for the rest of rehearsal. Partially because she's still a little shaky and partially because she's upset with what was said. She's hoping that if she sits out, they'll realize it throws them all off. She wants them to realize that they need her.
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Lord Tubbington is not a fan of Fiyero. Yero doesn't seem to care about the cat's lordship, he just wants to play. The obese cat has no interest in playing and stares at him imperiously. When Yero comes closer to sniff him, the cat hisses and swats at him. Rachel comforts her puppy, cooing at him and petting him while Brittany lectures Lord Tubbington on being more friendly. When her cat responds with an irritable meow, Brittany goes on to explain that Yero is just a curious, playful child. The two girls giggle over the whole thing and amuse one another with fake conversations the two pets may be having while interacting.
"Rach?"
Rachel puts down the weird cat toy she was inspecting (to be honest, knowing Brittany and Santana, she's not 100% certain it is a cat toy and decides not to think too deeply on it) to look at her friend. She has an unusually somber expression on her face. "What is it?"
"Do you remember the last time you got sick? When we talked about being honest about how you're feeling? And letting us help you?"
Her stomach sinks. "Yes, I do."
"You're getting worse. You're stage two and your symptoms are getting worse."
"I know."
"I need you to be honest with me, with us, about how you're feeling. And I need you to let us help you more."
"I do."
Brittany gives her a serious look. "Not really. I was really upset when you got worse last time because I felt like you weren't letting us help you. When you told us you're sick again this time, we all came to your house and talked to you about it again. You said you would."
"And I will."
"But I don't feel like you really have."
They stare at one another silently for a moment. Rachel isn't sure how to handle this. She knows what Brittany wants and what the others say they want, but do they really? They want her to be honest and let them support her, but they also want her to give up what brings her joy and not live her life to its fullest. And if she did start telling them more and letting them help more, would they actually feel better or would they feel worse? Brittany can't lie. She doesn't know how to be insincere. Maybe she's the best person to ask.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course!"
"Hypothetically speaking, if I were to tell you something was wrong every single day…like headache, tired, dizzy, bruises hurting, nauseous….anything, really….would you get tired of hearing about it constantly?"
Brittany tilts her head and thinks really hard, taking it seriously. "If it's all you talked about, then maybe. But if you told me what was bothering you and we talked about other things, too, then no. I'd feel bad, but I wouldn't be tired of hearing about it. It's how you're feeling."
"I said hypothetically." Rachel shrugs.
Brittany grins. "Hypothetically, I'd get more tired of always having to ask you how you're feeling or finding out some other way that you're not feeling well."
"Okay. But…" she hopes she phrases this right "…last year, before I stopped going to school and was only going a couple days a week, I had to have someone with me at all times. Someone always had to walk with me, carry my stuff for me, get things for me, I always had to be watched." She shrugs awkwardly. "You guys basically had to take care of me. Wasn't that stressful?"
"Yes." Rachel's heart drops. "And no. Rachie, you have no idea how much worse it was when you weren't around. We really missed you on the days you didn't come. It meant more work, but we preferred the days you were there. When you stopped coming to school, we fell apart. All of us took it hard in our own ways. When you came back, because you were getting better, it was like….Christmas and Halloween and Thanksgiving and my birthday all wrapped up in one."
"Really?"
"Really. Please let us help you again. It's better for everyone."
Rachel's smile slowly grows. "Okay."
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Her plan is unraveling faster than she can put it into place. From the moment she accepted that she relapsed, she wanted to make this as less stressful on everyone as possible. She wanted to present a strong, confident, cheerful facade so that they wouldn't worry about her as much. She hasn't been doing a very good job of that. She thought she was at least doing a good job of acting normal, but now she wonders how true that is. She hasn't been able to hide much from her mom, Kurt, or Finn. Rachel acknowledges that she needs the comfort they offer and feels better for having accepted it. Did she have the wrong idea? Should she have been seeking comfort from everyone from the start? Can she go back to her original plan and start acting stronger than she feels to protect everyone? Or should she adjust her plan to seek comfort from those three while acting strong to everyone else? Brittany wants her to tell her how she's feeling and go to her for comfort and support. She insisted it's less stressful than not having Rachel around. Does everyone feel the same?
Rachel bites her lip. The uncertainty of how to handle her situation is frustrating. Perhaps she shouldn't plan how to act. Perhaps she should decide in each moment. She really doesn't know what's best. With a sigh, she refocuses on her classwork. Mike lightly kicks her foot and gives her a questioning look. She smiles reassuringly and he relaxes, the worry fading from his eyes. No. She can't put it all on them, no matter what they say. Maybe she needs to accept that she needs some support, but she can't put it all on them. For their sakes, she needs to be strong. After class she chats with him about the colleges he's applied to while they walk down the hall. She's proud of him for applying to universities for both of his possible majors. Whichever he chooses, she's sure he'll be wonderful at it. His smile is brimming with pride when she tells him so.
By the time she attends Glee, her mind is back to debating the merits of her original plan versus her new ideas. At the moment, all she can remember is how much easier everyone handled her attacks after she herself started handling them better. When she learned how to get through them without crying and could treat it like it was no big deal afterwards, everyone in her life started being able to—
"Rachel?"
Rachel jumps slightly and blinks up at Sam. He's frowning at her warily. A glance around reveals that everyone else in the choir room is watching her to some level of concern as well. She must have been zoned out.
"I was just thinking." She says with an easy smile, wanting to put them at ease.
It doesn't work. They shift in their seats and glance at one another. Belatedly, she realizes that they are aware that her thoughts could be on worrisome things.
"About what?" Sugar asks, sounding hesitant.
She opens her mouth and says the first thing she can think of. "Snow."
They stare at her, and at one another, in confusion. Rachel's mind races with thoughts of how to fix this so she doesn't sound crazy. Luckily, she's saved by Sam.
"It hasn't snowed much this year. Nothing lasting, anyway."
Relieved, she capitalizes on his train of thought. "Right! Comparatively speaking, we've had very little snow this year. The last two years we had big snow storms that shut the school down for a couple days."
"But that didn't happen freshman year." Kurt points out.
"Yeah, but it did happen when we were in eighth grade." Mercedes says.
"So we had big snow storm, then nothing, then two years of big snow storms, now another year of nothing." Puck summarizes. "It woulda been awesome to have another massive snowstorm this year."
"It would have." Tina agrees wistfully.
Rachel nods. "Snow days are great. I liked the last two years when we got to relax at home, but also got together to play in the snow."
Sort of. Two years ago they all met up at her house to play in the snow. Last year, she was stage 4 by the time the storm rolled in and she couldn't fully join in. They did carry her outside and let her participate a little. That was brief, but fun.
Quinn sighs. "I'd really like one more snow day, too. But it's nearly spring so I don't see it happening."
The group chats about previous snow days and the fun they had until Mr. Schue starts the lesson.
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They head back to their spot in the woods over the weekend. Despite Santana's firm objections, she was overruled; Sugar was invited along. All the talks of college and futures, and even Nationals, have been wearing on them. No one is saying anything, but Rachel is pretty sure that the talks about her illness have also been wearing on them. They've been wearing on her, that's for sure. The group agrees: no discussion of anything serious or depressing if it can be avoided. So for one night, they cut loose and act like the kids they are. They build up the fire and dance around it. They sing at the top of their lungs, just for fun, not even trying to sound good. They play stupid games and tell stupid jokes. It was a night they all needed and thoroughly enjoyed.
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It feels like a knife is being stabbed into her head. Rachel had been working on her homework in her room, but stopped when her head started hurting too badly. She knows she's back to having permission to turn things in late, so she decides to take advantage of it and lay down. It's only Monday, anyway, so she doesn't have a lot of work to do. She is curled up in the fetal position on her bed, covering her head with her hands. She takes deep breaths, breathing through the pain. The bed shifts slightly and Yero sniffs her, trying to get his nose close to her face.
"Yero," She mumbles lowly, "get Mom. Go now." Yero whines and continues to step carefully around her. "Mom. Now. Mom, Yero."
Saying that much made her stomach swirl and saliva fill her mouth. Worried that she'll hurl if she says another word, she snaps her mouth shut and swallows down the saliva. Yero hops off the bed and leaves her room. Rachel groans at the pain in her head. Footsteps hurry into her room.
"Rach?" She's grateful that her mom thought to speak quietly. As it is, she still flinches. Her mom's hand brushes over her forehead and comes to rest on her head. "I'm sorry baby girl."
The hand vanishes and her mom quietly steps away. She returns shortly and slides an arm under her. She moves slowly, making sure Rachel's head is cradled against her chest as she carefully sits her up. Rachel whimpers at the wave of pain the movement causes. For a moment, her mother holds her steady against her chest. Then, she presses a pill into Rachel's hand. Rachel quickly pops it in her mouth and her mom hands her a water bottle. She doesn't let go; instead, she helps her hold the bottle and lift it so she can drink from it. Rachel could have done it herself, but supposes it makes sense for her mom to hold it, too. It's better than risking spilling it, at least. She spends several minutes in her mom's embrace while waiting for the pain meds to kick in. Once they do, her tense muscles unclench and she relaxes. Her mom eases her down to the bed and kisses her forehead. As she stands, Rachel reaches out a hand to catch her mom's.
"Stay?"
Her mom smiles warmly. "For as long as you'd like."
Rachel shifts to curl against her mom after she lays back down. Her mom strokes her back, helping ease her to sleep. It doesn't take long. When she wakes, the room is very dark. Yero is asleep at the foot of the bed. What surprises her is that her mom is still holding her.
"Mom?"
"How are you feeling?"
"Better." Rachel pushes herself up into a sitting position. Her mother does the same. "You stayed while I slept?"
Her mom gives her a puzzled look. "You asked me to stay."
"Yeah, but I figured you'd stay until I fell asleep, then leave. Didn't you get bored?"
"I napped, too." She says with a grin. "Honey, I am very happy to hold you. I meant what I said. I'll stay for as long as you'd like. Because let's face it, if it were up to me, you'd always be with me to the point that you'd get sick of me."
Rachel throws her arms around her. "I love you, Mom."
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Despite feeling better the night before, Rachel ended up not going to school the next day. In the morning she woke up feeling very congested and coughing. Her mom stayed home with her and made her take medicine and sleep. As the day went on, she developed a mild headache, fever, and sore throat. It left her irritable. No one likes getting sick. Rachel hates that she's been getting sick a lot; catching every little cold or virus going around. For her, it takes a lot longer to shake off. She missed the rest of the week of school. It was frustrating for her to also have to cancel her Saturday plans. It was just a movie, but it's still frustrating that now she can't go out with her friends. Yet again, she's missing out. Knowing almost all of her friends have plans to hang out, she's surprised to get a FaceTime request from Santana. She was supposed to have plans with Quinn and Brittany. Rachel frowns and accepts the call, expecting it to be an accidental dial. It's not. Santana's face is pale and tear streaked.
"San?" She coughs to clear her throat. "What's wrong?"
Scott pauses the movie they were watching and both adults look over in concern. Santana heaves an aggravated breath and shakes her head.
"Hey, dwarf. Uh, I've kind of got some bad news and I don't want you to panic."
Rachel sits up straighter. "I won't panic. What's going on?"
"Quinn got in a car accident."
Her heart leaps into her throat. "Oh my God! Is she okay?"
Santana gives a shaky shrug. "We think. She's unconscious, but they don't think it's a coma. She has at least one broken bone, but I haven't gotten much detail from her parents. We're heading to the hospital in a couple minutes so that we can try to visit before visiting hours end."
"I'll—" Rachel is already shoving the blanket off her lap to stand up.
"Stay home." Santana interrupts sternly. "You're still sick, you need to stay home. Besides, you don't want to risk getting Quinn sick on top of being injured, do you?"
Defeated, Rachel slumps back down on the couch. "Will you keep me posted and let her know I'm thinking of her?"
"Yeah, of course. I just wanted to let you know before you heard it some other way."
"Thanks."
They end the call and Rachel blinks back tears, staring at her blank phone screen. Her heart thuds painfully in her chest.
"I'm sure she's alright, Rachel." Her mom tells her. "I'll reach out to Judy to ask how Quinn's doing and see if they need anything."
Rachel nods. Her mom picks up own phone and leaves the room. Rachel wipes her hands over her cheeks and sniffles, then coughs. Being sick is keeping her from being there for her injured friend. It's also keeping her from supporting her other friends. She hates this. She wants to text her friends, but isn't sure who has been told yet and they should've find out through text message. She's sure everyone else knows, but doesn't want to risk it so she's holding off until she hears from Santana again. After a couple minutes, her mom returns and sits next to Rachel.
"Quinn's okay. She woke up, probably while Santana was talking to you. She has a concussion and a broken arm, but otherwise it's mostly bruises and scratches. She's going to be fine."
Rachel sags against her mom in relief. "Oh, thank God."
"Yeah. She got lucky. Her car was totaled."
"What happened?" Scott asks.
Her mom looks between them, her expression showing her disappointment. "Quinn was texting and driving. She ran a stop sign and was hit on the driver's side."
Rachel's hands fly to her mouth. Then the knowledge that Quinn is going to be fine sinks in and she relaxes a little. Still, it's nerve wracking and upsetting to hear. She can't even imagine how terrifying it was for Quinn to experience. She's dozing on the couch an hour later when Santana calls her again. Groggily, she answers. Santana cringes.
"Sorry, Berry. I'll let you sleep."
"No!" Rachel blinks the sleep for her eyes and brushes her hand through her hair. "I'm awake. How's Quinn?"
Santana huffs a laugh. "Being Quinn. She's fine. She's already giving the nurses a hard time and demanding to be released. When she started complaining about the bed being uncomfortable and the food being gross, her mother yelled at her."
Rachel grins. "Really?"
"Oh, yeah. Big time. Her mom angrily pointed out that she put herself in her situation with her stupid choice so she only has herself to blame. Then she added on to her guilt by bringing up all the times you were in the hospital and never complained as much as Quinn was already complaining after just waking up."
Rachel shakes her head. "Did she stop whining after that?"
Santana smirks. "Yup. That shut her up fast. Look, she's fine. She has a concussion and a broken arm, but nothing else serious."
"When is she being discharged?"
"Probably tomorrow. Don't sweat it, Berry. She's stupid, but she's fine. You'll see her and be able to hug her whenever you return to school. Chances are you'll both be in school on Monday, right?"
"I plan to return on Monday, yeah. I still have a slight cough and I tire easily, but otherwise I'm fine. You really think Quinn will be in school so soon?"
Santana shrugs. "It's a broken arm and concussion. It's not good, but it's not life changing. She rested today, she'll rest tomorrow, if she's not in school on Monday then it'll be Tuesday. You'll see her soon. And I can see how tired you are, so I'm gonna hang up so we can both get some sleep."
Remembering the many times Santana and/or Brittany came over to sleep with her over the past couple years, Rachel smiles at her. "Okay. Feel free to come to my house if you don't want to sleep alone. Even if I'm already asleep, you can just slide into bed with me."
"Thanks, Berry. I appreciate it, but I'll spend the night with Brit." Then she gives her a wanton grin. "Unless you want us both to join you tonight. If you want to join our softball league, we have an open position. I'll even teach you a move Brit and I learned called scis—"
"San!" Rachel interrupts, rolling her eyes and blushing. "Thank you, but I am not interested."
"Well if you change your mind, we'll be ready with open…arms." Santana winks at her.
"Goodnight, Santana." Rachel says primly. She ends the FaceTime call. A glance at the amused expressions on the adult's faces has her turning red. "She's…." Realizing she has no words with which to politely define her friend, she finishes with a shrug.
Scott rolls his lips into his mouth and nods slowly, mirth shining in his eyes. Her mom covers her mouth and muffles her laughter while turning the movie back on. Rachel focus on the movie and tries to use it to tune out the angry thoughts starting to build in the back of her mind. She has some words for Quinn Fabray. As well as as hug.
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By Sunday she still hasn't fully shaken off the cold she had, but it's down to very mild symptoms. The only symptom still bothering her is the tiredness. Her condition exasperates the tiredness caused by the cold. She sleepily shuffles into her bathroom and brushes her teeth while thinking about how often she's been getting sick lately. It's aggravating. She grabs her medicine and shakes two pills into her hand. Rachel stops moving. Almost with tunnel vision, she stares down at the two little blue pills nestled in her palm. Everything around her fades away.
What's the point? All they're doing is making her get sick frequently. They're not doing their job of helping her get better. She's getting worse and getting sick a lot on top of it. They're not working. All they're doing is making it harder for her to live her life.
Her gaze drifts up to the mirror and she stares at her pale reflection. Her jaw is clenched tight and a muscle in her cheek twitches. Very slowly, Rachel tilts her hand and lets the pills fall. The soft clink of them hitting the porcelain sink is jarring. Rachel blinks rapidly. Is she really doing this? She reaches out a shaking hand and turns on the faucet. The water briefly turns blue as the pills quickly dissolve. Morbidly fascinated, Rachel watches as the pills are washed down the drain. Is she washing her only chance of survival down the drain? Or is she giving herself an easier time of it? A soft and slightly hysterical laugh escapes her lips. She quickly chokes it back. She grips the edge of the counter and squeezes her eyes shut. She releases a breath slowly and takes in a new, cleansing breath. Feeling steadier about her decision, she leaves the bathroom.
For better or for worse, she has made her decision. She's going to keep fighting, but she's going to do it her way.
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