A Perfume by Any Other Name

It was very early in the morning, and Han Solo strolled casually through the open-air marketplace, idly stopping at several display booths while picking up various trinkets, gazing at them and wondering if his new bride might be interested in anything in particular.

Technically the newlyweds were on their honeymoon, but Leia had cautiously asked Han if it would be alright if she had a 'quick, comlink meeting' with Mon Mothma. The Princess batted her eyes, pouted her lips, and then, unable to keep up the vapid vixen routine, laughingly promised Han it would only take an hour, at the most. And she wouldn't do any further meetings for the rest of the week.

Han knew better than to argue, even though he suspected Leia might not keep that promise, at least within his hearing.

He placed back on the table a small vase, and it was at that moment something totally shocking caught his attention. It was a perfume display, normally such a benign thing. But not this particular display. The large, almost life-sized rotating holo-image was of a pretty young human female, holding up a sparkling blue bottle in the shape of a woman's torso, including the breasts. The model had very long, very dark locks of braided hair, and her large brown eyes stared up with a come-hither look. She was wearing a white, low cut dress, showing off her ample cleavage. Her resemblance to Leia was quite astonishing, with the exception of her obviously enhanced chest, and the male human model standing over her shoulder where her attention was focused was staring down quite pointedly at that same cleavage. The male was a tall man with dark brown, shaggy hair. But what sent Han into stunned disbelief was that the model had a distinctive scar on his chin, plus he wore an open white shirt displaying most of his broad, tanned chest. The image of the man was complete with a black vest and a gun belt that holstered a shiny DL-44.

Beings had to have been living under several tons of broken duracrete not to know exactly who the advertisers were portraying. This would have annoyed Han, but his annoyance had already morphed into embarrassment, and it took a lot to embarrass Han Solo. Despite that, it wasn't just the models that left him standing with his jaw gaping - it was the large wording of the name of the perfume - Leah's Orgasm.

His first coherent thought was "Leia's going to kill me...". Which was quickly followed by, "This isn't my fault." And it wasn't his fault, at least not this time. But would it matter? The Princess was sure to be furious and humiliated.

"Maybe I should blast the entire display into pieces," Han mumbled under his breath. He glanced around, hoping no one was standing nearby that recognized him, or worse, associated him with the model on the holo display, all the while debating the merits of pulling out his own, less shiny blaster.

"Would you like to purchase a bottle for your loved one?" a high-pitched female voice spoke into his ear. His first instinct of destroying the display dissolved away. It was probably one of hundreds, if not thousands, now scattered throughout the New Republic. Destroying just one would make no difference, and it would probably get him arrested. That certainly wouldn't help the situation, and probably only call attention to the pefume while increasing its sales.

He turned and forced a grin toward the Bith, grateful that she wasn't human. Han had found over the years that humans seemed to all look alike to non-humans. "No, thanks."

"Are you sure?" the female persisted. "It smells divine!" Without asking for permission, she spritzed a generous amount on Han's shirt.

Solo staggered back a step, his annoyance level rising several notches. The stuff was potent, to say the least. "I said..." He trailed off, his jaw once again dropping almost to the ground. Yet another display, this one slightly behind the first, showed the same two models... the male model in this display was now sitting down and leering up at the woman, who was leaning over, showing off even more cleavage if at all possible. Her arms were draped over his shoulders, one hand she held up a round, red bottle, while the man held his drawn blaster provocatively in his lap, pointing it toward their unseen audience. The large, flashing wording above their heads stated, Smuggler's Sweet Sweat.

"What the kriff?!" Han shouted, drawing confused stares from several shoppers. The Bith, however, seemed to suddenly come to an understanding.

"Ahhh... you are a male!" she gurgled out happily. "How silly of me! Here... you need a squirt of Sweat!"

"No, I don't - " Han got no further, as she promptly doused him with another copious amount of strong scent. Han staggered back, his eyes burning, and he let loose with a long string of curses. "That kest smells even worse than the first kest!"

"Would you like me to gift wrap these?" the Bith asked, totally oblivious to Han's outrage.

"NO!"

"The gift wrap is free if you purchase both the perfume and the aftershave," she pointed out helpfully.

"I said, NO!" Han shouted, almost stomping his foot. "What part of 'No' don't you understand? I'm never gonna get this bantha stink to come off'a me!"

The lady Bith smiled. "Yes, the scent is very long lasting. That's why it costs one hundred units per bottle. Would you like to pay in chips or creds?" She held up both bottles, waving them dangerously close to the Corellian's face.

Han sighed, then suddenly had a new inspiration. Why should he be the only one suffering indignity today, anyway? This was all Leia's fault, if he thought about it, for sending him off all alone while she had a meeting in the middle of their honeymoon. Besides, Leia had informed him that marriage was about two people sharing things, so Han decided it was time to share. "Wrap 'em up lady. I'm sure my wife will just love the smell. And she'll love the names of 'em, too."

He watched as the Bith hurried off to wrap the gift. Leia would either laugh or make him sleep on the sofa. It was even money which outcome would happen when he got back to the hotel, but Han always did like to gamble when the stakes were high.

THE END