A/N: ive been both thrilled and hesitant to reach this chapter!
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Chapter 16: feels like i cant move
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:
If Helm's Deep was a bit tumultuous before, it's twice that after Aragorn's meeting with the king.
There are a lot of different rumors going around about the details of it all, but the one thing they all have in common, the one thing everyone can agree on being true is that there is an army arriving by nightfall–an army much larger than they had expected.
And they have to be ready for it; they don't have any other choice. It's stand and fight, or die.
Adrienne is too afraid to ask Aragorn or the others what the truth is; she'd probably rather not know the answer. So instead, she makes herself useful by helping herd the women and children in the direction of the caves. The anxiety is clear in their eyes, apprehending the upcoming battle.
As Adrienne observes their fearful body language, just as she had when they fled from the warg attack, she's struck with the realization that their fear is just as strong and valid as that of the men. They are expected to sit idly by while their husbands, brothers, fathers, and sons fight an impossible battle. They are to helplessly sit in the caves all while thinking about their loved ones dying, imagining each gruesome possibility, knowing they will surely be next.
They need hope just as much as the men do.
Gandalf's advice suddenly makes sense now; telling her to know which of her skills are needed for a particular moment. Just as Aragorn is surely giving the men inspiring pep talks, bringing them valuable hope, maybe she can do that for the women, if only in the slightest way.
After all, a little hope can go a long way.
Deciding to consult Aragorn on the matter, Adrienne weaves in and out of soldiers readying themselves when she almost runs smack into Legolas.
"Hey, I was just looking for you. Or any of you, really. There's so much going on and I was hoping to ask Ara–" she stops as she notices the tense, angry expression on his face. Such an expression is jolting to see on the elf's face. "What's wrong?"
He looks away. "I have just had an argument with Aragorn."
She snorts. "Already? He just got back."
Legolas gives her a withering look.
"Sorry," she says with a wince. "What was it about?"
He looks away again, his eyes searching. What they're searching for, she can't be sure. He might not even know himself. "This battle…it is a hopeless one, I'm afraid. And I am tired of acting like it is not. We must face the facts."
Oh. So the situation is direr than she thought. Yeah, that's what she was afraid of.
Even still, it's beyond strange to hear the elf say such things. This doesn't sound like the unfaltering warrior she knows, and she watches him with furrowed brows as he continues.
"These men are not soldiers, and even if they were, there are not nearly enough of them to stand a chance against the thousands of Uruk-hai headed this way. They're scared, and they should be, for they shall all die by dawn."
"Don't talk like that," she demands, appalled by his negativity. That's the last thing they need right now.
"It's the truth." He turns his head and narrows his eyes. "And now this discussion is mirroring the one I had with Aragorn."
Adrienne closes her eyes and takes a deep, grounding breath.
How can she reach him in this state? He's trapped in a pit of despair, and-frustratingly enough- understandably so. The lack of courage and skill of humans concerns him, but maybe she can turn that around. She can use that humanity to encourage instead of discourage him. She's very familiar with humanity; she consists of it.
When she speaks again her voice is softer. "Okay, you're…you're probably right. Factually, we don't stand a chance. But that does not mean we should just give up. We can't go down without a fight, we can't go into this with a despairing attitude. It's natural to be scared, especially for humans, but you know what's also natural? The will to live." She steps closer to him and fiercely stares up into his eyes. "The strength to go on is often found in the face of death."
He stares back silently for a tense moment, searching her face. "You mean that," he says, and it's not a question, it's a statement.
"I do. I've lived it."
The corners of his lips turn up into a small smile. "You truly are the embodiment of ithildin."
She's tempted to respond by once again telling him that he's her starlight in that metaphor; she only shines the way she does now because of him. But that would be rather cheesy, if not daring, so she swallows it down.
Adrienne ends up having to tear her eyes away from the tender look she finds in his own. It's overwhelming sometimes, and that both thrills and scares her.
Do I mean that much to you?
She clears her throat and playfully gives him a shove. "Alright, alright, now go make up with Aragorn so you can salvage your bromance."
"As you command," he says with a mock bow.
Adrienne watches as he disappears into the crowd of people bustling about, and a thought occurs to her. If the men are this shaken up–if Legolas is this shaken up–then the women and children must be even more so. She makes up her mind then and there–no need to ask Aragorn–that she's needed more off of the battlefield this time than on it.
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As the battle draws near, emotions only intensify–but not all negatively. Something unexpected happens that renews hope in all their hearts: an army of elves shows up, ready to help. They agree to fight alongside men once again, and now it feels like they actually might have a real chance.
Adrienne can see it on the Rohan men's faces as they smile in awe and encouragement. Aragorn throws himself around Haldir in a most grateful hug, and renewed hope shines in Legolas' eyes as he proudly stands by his elf friends.
The energy across Helm's Deep is much different after that. The soldiers are more eager than fearful.
Adrienne manages to find Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas before they go out to fight. They're dressed in armor now, and as Adrienne takes in the chainmail hanging off their bodies, she prays it'll do its job. She's already lost Boromir, and for a time, she thought she lost Aragorn and the hobbits. She's determined not to lose any more.
They're her friends. For the first time, she took a chance on people and showed the worst parts of herself, and the wildest thing happened: they stayed. They stuck by her and accepted her, brokenness and all. Does that make them family? She feels like it does.
And more than that, she realizes she finally feels like she belongs. It still hurts to know she isn't necessarily needed here, but she thinks that she might not completely hate the Valar if she got something as good and pure as her newfound friendships.
As always, her eyes are pulled to Legolas more so than the others, admiring the way his armor broadens his shoulders, intensifying his attractiveness.
I've got it bad, alright, she thinks as she approaches them.
If they're surprised to not see her dressed for battle they don't show it.
"Would you think less of me if I sit this one out?" she asks Aragorn. "It's not that I'm like, scared shitless or anything–well, I mean, I am, but that's not the reason. I just…I get the feeling I'm needed more in here than out there."
He nods. "I understand. Truthfully, I did not expect you to join us in the first place."
Well, that's a relief.
"Oh, so it's cool then? I mean, if you guys think you can handle it without me, of course."
"Somehow I think we shall manage without you just fine."
"I actually think we would stand less of a chance if you were out there with us," Gimli interjects.
Adrienne's mouth drops open. "Hey! You didn't see me fighting those Uruk-hai in the woods."
"That's just it, none of us did," the dwarf points out. "Except Aragorn, but he has it in his own interest to speak highly of your fighting abilities. He trained you after all."
She rolls her eyes. "Alright, alright. I'll just have to prove it to you later. Now let me say goodbye so I don't have to look at your stupid faces for the rest of the night." She then jabs a finger at Aragorn. " You. Do not die. Also do not fake die like last time."
He almost looks offended. "I did not fake my death. I fell off a cliff, completely unintentionally."
"Uh huh, whatever. Just don't do it again."
He grins as he pulls her into a brief hug. "I shall make no such promise."
She turns to Gimli next. "You're not allowed to die either. We're bros now."
"I do not know what a 'bro' is, but if it is a term of endearment then the feeling is mutual."
She gives him a hug, too, which is a bit awkward because of his short stature but she doesn't care.
He pulls away and looks at Aragorn with a mischievous glint in his eye. "Let's give the newly betrothed couple some privacy."
"You know what," Adrienne calls after him as he and Aragorn walk away, "I take back what I said about you not dying." She sighs at his retreating form before turning back to Legolas, who's smiling at her.
Butterflies flutter in her stomach at the warm sight, but she refuses to let her confidence wane.
Glancing down at the elf's attire, she raises her eyebrows. "You look pretty handsome in that armor."
"Do I?"
"Mmhm. So just imagine how good I'd look in it."
His grin widens. "You're already enchanting as you are."
Enchanting. This elf really spoils her with his words, huh? And she's weak for it.
"Stop distracting me when I'm trying to hype you up for battle."
"Are you going to tell me not to die as well?"
"I don't have to. I think it goes without saying. You're my best friend, remember?"
He tilts his head back and laughs at the callback, and God dammit if that isn't the sexiest thing he's ever done. "Oh, yes. As I seem to recall, though, you call me your best friend, but I have never called you mine."
"Well, why haven't you?" she says, feigning to be insulted. "Is the feeling not mutual?"
"It may very well be mutual, but even still, I cannot help seeing you differently than I see, say, Aragorn."
She swallows hard. "Oh? Then how do you see me?"
He takes a step closer to her, so close their chests are almost touching, and he reaches out a hand to gently cup the side of her cheek. "Do you want the truth?" he asks softly
"Yes," she practically chokes out.
She's never wanted anything more.
"I see you as the first light of dawn, as rays of sunlight fighting to shine through rain, as the first flowers emerging from the ground in springtime. I see you as a new beginning."
She gazes up at him, heart hammering within her ribcage, unable to stop herself from thinking about how utterly not platonic this all seems. How long are they going to keep dancing around the glaringly obvious neon sign that read 'We're both attracted to each other physically and emotionally'?
There's nothing more she wants to do right now than close the gap between them and passionately kiss him on the lips.
And from the way he's staring at her, it looks like he wants that too. His gaze briefly drops to her lips, and Adrienne wants to say fuck it and pull his face to hers already.
But she knows if she does, she won't be able to stop any time soon, and he has a serious battle to focus on. So she reluctantly resists but resolves right then and there to kiss him when it's over and spill her heart out to him. She'll kiss him over and over until both their lips are swollen, and she'll let him know just how strong of feelings she has for him.
She'll tell him she wants this, consequences be damned, she wants to give it her best shot because she's certain she's never wanted anything more than this. He makes her feel safer and happier than she's been in years, and she wants to hold onto that. She truly believes she found something special and she doesn't intend on letting that go anytime soon.
Legolas' hand finally leaves her cheek and instead reaches down to take her hand and brings it to his lips, softly kissing the back of her hand. "Ithildin nin," he whispers, his eyes never leaving hers. My ithildin.
Her voice catches in her throat at his intense gaze and she says nothing even as he lowers her hand and starts to walk away, off to the impending battle.
"Legolas," she quickly chokes out, finally finding her voice, though to say what she's not sure. She can't possibly fit everything she wants to say into a neat little package right now, or maybe even ever. Some things are bigger than words.
He turns back to her expectedly.
She puts a light-hearted smile on her face. "Just so we're clear, you're not allowed to die, okay?"
Legolas smiles softly and nods before turning to leave.
Adrienne's eyes never leave his figure as he walks away and she's suddenly overcome with warm giddiness. And more than that: peace. With herself, with where she is, with him.
The crazy thing is, she thinks she loves him.
And the crazier thing? She thinks he loves her too.
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Upon entering the caves herself, Adrienne is enraptured with how much it truly looks like something out of Journey to the Center of the Earth. She'd never been inside a real cavern before, but it looks just how she expected, with stalagmites and stalactites and all that jazz. There's also an abundance of water, bringing the 'dark wet cave' atmosphere altogether.
Mega cool.
But, unfortunately, the atmosphere of the people is far from mega cool. Sorrow and anxiety weigh heavily as women and young children all huddle together as thunder rings out above them.
Swallowing hard, she makes her way through until she catches sight of a familiar face.
"Freda," she breathes out, rushing over to her and her mother.
From the tears streaking their cheeks and the notice of a missing person, a knot forms in Adrienne's gut.
"Where's Éothain?" she asks, dread creeping up inside her.
Freda's chin trembles as she looks at her mother.
"He's out there, fighting," the older woman answers.
Adrienne's heart stops. "What? But-but he's just a kid."
He's going to die.
She nods gravely. "Aye. They called any able man, young or old. Did you not notice?"
Am I really that unobservant or was I too distracted by mushy feelings? Fuck.
"No, with everything going on I guess I just–" she falters before turning on her heel. "I need to go get him."
The woman catches her arm. "No. It is an unfortunate circumstance, but it is necessary–and noble. There are some boys out there even younger than he."
Adrienne stares back at her, shocked by the heartlessness of this woman. But no–that's not it at all. It's not heartlessness, it's strength, and for that, she is owed admiration. That's her son, her little boy out there. And while obviously scared for him, she's still choosing to take it well. To accept it for what it is.
Even if it's something Adrienne doesn't want to accept herself. Because really, it's not something anyone should ever have to accept. But it's the harsh reality of these grave times. It's the harsh reality of war.
Blinking rapidly, Adrienne gives the woman's hand a comforting squeeze before following her and Freda over to where their things are.
"My children have told me much of you," the woman says. "You provided them with comfort when I myself could not, and I am ever grateful to you."
She waves her off, not wishing to be praised for the bare minimum. "Ah, it was nothing. I think I enjoyed their company more than they did mine."
"I appreciate it just the same," she replies, glancing down at her daughter cuddling up against her. "And I'm glad to have properly met you myself. I am called Morwen."
She smiles. "Adrienne."
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Minutes tick by excruciatingly long as people either sob quietly or stare blankly. The thick air of anxiety only increases with the passage of time.
The crowd hushes as they listen to the thunder rumble outside, and when it's joined by a loud crash, everyone jumps.
What the fuck was that?
They all look around at one another with wide, questioning eyes. No one dares even breathe.
Another crash.
"Catapults," someone whispers, and a woman lets out a loud wail.
Adrienne looks around at their many faces and finds weariness, fear, and despair etched across them. The sight makes her heart drop.
Hope. They need hope.
"They're all going to die out there," a woman loudly laments. "And then we're next!"
"Say your prayers now," another says. "We'll be slaughtered by the Uruk-hai."
Nearby, multiple children start crying.
Okay, it's Go time. Just–do something.
"Alright, I've had enough of this," Adrienne mutters to herself and goes to stand near the center. "LISTEN UP!" she yells. "I don't want to hear any more of this pit of despair stuff, okay? I know it doesn't look good, but we need to keep faith. Our men are out there giving their all, the least we can do is not give up on them from here. Hope is a weapon and we need to use it."
"A weapon?" someone scoffs.
Adrienne nods confidently, despite her own fear threatening to make her physically shake, hoping it will catch on. Fake it till you make it, and all that. "Yes. It keeps us alive, like a fire giving warmth on the coldest of nights."
Some women exchange skeptical looks.
"But is it enough?" someone else asks.
Is it enough? It wasn't enough to make her father come back and love her. It wasn't enough to keep her mother from taking her own life. It wasn't enough to have the purpose she thought she had here in Middle Earth.
No, there are simply some things out of hope's reach. It's not an impenetrable force.
But it is a force. And with enough of it, it can be a powerful one.
If not for the men, for the women and children themselves.
"It's enough to make a difference," she says firmly, putting a brave smile on.
She knows better than anyone how powerful wishing is. How far sheer willpower can take you. It's the reason why she's standing here before them, in Middle Earth.
At her confident reply, most still scoff bitterly or simply go back to despairing, but some murmur amongst themselves, considering her words.
Adrienne finds space against the wall and settles down there. After several minutes of tense silence, she picks up her guitar and starts to strum a tune. She plays for a few minutes, letting it flow through her as she waits for the right words to come to her.
Fleurie and Ruelle eventually make themselves known in her mind. If these people cannot carry hope, Adrienne will carry it for them.
I know it hurts
It's hard to breathe sometimes
These nights are long
You've lost the will to fight
Is anybody out there?
Can you lead me to the light?
Is anybody out there?
Tell me it'll all be alright
Adrienne keeps her eyes closed, refusing to look at their faces. Instead, she focuses on pouring her heart and soul into her music, praying it can reach them in some way her words cannot.
You are not alone
I've been here the whole time singing you a song
I will carry you
I will carry you
When Adrienne finishes the song, she softly gives a few last strums of her guitar before relaxing her limbs and looking up. She's met with unreadable gazes from around the room as the women and children stare, and just now realizes that the entire room has gone silent. They look like they don't know how to react, or are simply still utterly unconvinced.
After a few tantalizingly long moments, a random young woman stands up. She casts her gaze across the room, looking upon all the unsure faces, before starting to sing herself, a determined expression shining on her own face. She doesn't have a trained singing voice, but its strength outshines it all.
The song is clearly one of Rohan's own, made clear by the recognition on people's faces. And it's powerful, hearing something of old, of their culture and ancestors.
The lyrics are words of hope, of finding light in darkness, of the promise that on the other side of hardships there is always good. It's there, just waiting to be reached.
They finally respond with nods and small smiles.
Others start to join in, adding to the chorus, and Adrienne is so touched by the sight and sound of people rallying together in such a beautiful way that she can do nothing more than watch silently.
And soon, their voices drown out the sounds of the battle raging above them.
By the time the group singing comes to an end, a much calmer atmosphere surrounds the cave than before. Many of the children have fallen asleep, and the women smile and offer each other words of encouragement.
Adrienne looks down and smiles to herself, glad she was able to help in a small way.
One old woman approaches Adrienne to comment, "That was beautiful, my dear. I don't believe I have heard anything like it before."
She smiles back. These Middle Earthians are so easily impressed by some modern music.
"Thank you."
"You are clearly gifted; it was powerful enough to instill hope in our hearts. I imagine the Music of the Ainur to sound something like that. Or at least, I imagine that's about the closest anyone can get to it."
Adrienne's head snaps to hers, her attention fully caught. "The Music of the Ainur?" She asks. "What's that?"
The woman smiles, all too delighted to enlighten a youngin' with some ancient history. "Eru Ilúvatar taught the Ainur to make music, beautiful music. One day he declared they were to use what he had taught them to make a greater Song than any they had made before, one they could incorporate their own ideas and wishes into. It was from this Song that the creation of the world was brought forth."
Being musically gifted runs in my family, just like 'schizophrenia.' I guess it only makes sense it's just another Ainur gene I inherited. Is nothing I am original?
"You know," another old– very old–woman adds, "my father told me the real reason why elves get sea-longing is that they can still hear the echo of the Music in the ocean."
A horrible coldness instantly spreads throughout Adrienne's body, any leftover warmth from the singing instantly dissipating. She forces her voice to work, despite the way her tongue suddenly feels twice as thick. "Wait, what? How?"
"According to the Eldar, the echo of the Music lives on in water more strongly than any other substance in our world. Of course, only elves, and perhaps certain men, can hear it in the sea, even though they are not aware that that is what it is they are picking up on. And so, even to this day, elves are drawn to their music. There's no escaping it, they don't have control over it."
Don't have any control. Any choice.
Adrienne swallows thickly, her heart feeling as though it is beating painfully fast in anxiety.
"So," she starts, considering everything she's said and trying to summarize it, "the whole reason elves long for the sea–for their home–is because they can hear the Ainur's music in it, which they're naturally attracted to. Though they might not even recognize it."
"Supposedly, yes."
Suddenly Adrienne's chest feels way too tight, as if there isn't enough room for her lungs to breathe properly.
"I need to go," she says, excusing herself before briskly making her way to a secluded area, a tiny corner kept from view by the surrounding stalagmites. There she paces anxiously, going through everything in her mind with a fine tooth comb.
Since she has Ainur in her blood, could that mean some of the music can be heard in her music? If only just a couple of notes, unnoticeable to anyone but an elf? It's possible, all too possible. Being musically gifted seems to run in her family, on her mom's side. Just like her 'schizophrenia.' Just like her insomnia.
Which means that it's also all too possible that therein lies the real reason Legolas is drawn to her—not for who she is as her own person, flaws and all, but because of some predisposed, supernatural reason and nothing more.
She thinks about her uncanny connection to water.
She thinks about the way singing and music just came to her without the need for lessons or anything else.
She thinks back to Legolas' every reaction to her music. The 'indescribable emotion' she saw in his eyes the first time he heard her play and every time after. She thinks back to every word he's said to her since then.
"It stirs something in me, your voice, your music."
"I feel pulled to you; I feel safe, at home."
He's drawn to her. He feels at home with her. He's called her enchanting.
Suddenly it all clicks into place, and nausea overwhelms her. She doesn't want to believe it, wants to reason it away, but she knows it to be true. Adrienne's music contains remnants of the Music of the Ainur, just as the rest of her carries traits of her ancient heritage, and with the complexities of it all, it gives Legolas a sense of sea-longing–-for her.
It makes sense. Of course it makes sense. Happiness, especially with another person, has never worked out for Adrienne, so why did she ever think this time was any different? The only reason Legolas longs for her is because of her Music, because of magic–it's against his will.
It explains why Legolas was so drawn to her so strongly and so quickly after being happily single for what? Two thousand years? Yeah, of course it would take something like this.
Adrienne can't help but laugh bitterly, the sound cold and hollow.
She really thought she'd found the one, she thought she'd found happiness in another person, someone who would love her and never leave her like so many others had. Only for it all to be false.
It's all too much to bear and she numbly slides to the floor as Galadriel's words echo in her mind:
The truth is not always easy to bear. We must take it as it is.
Seated on the cold hard floor, staring blankly, Adrienne doesn't cry. She just goes utterly silent as the light within her fades into darkness.