Chapter 61: The Iron King and the Blue Cowboy
And when Yoshi and I landed on the next planet, what was waiting for us there but a Hammer Bro.
Ha HA! A Hammer Bro.! The final piece of evidence I needed to know I'd be fighting a giant Hammer Bro. at the end of the level! In basically every level where I've fought a boss that's been a giant, mutant version of a standard enemy, said level has involved fighting a bunch of those standard enemies. See: Lakithunder in the Yoshi Star Galaxy, Topmaniac in the Battlerock Galaxy, Baron Brrr (or Baron Burp, as I call him) in the Freezeflame Galaxy, etc. Granted, it seemed like I was already more than halfway through the level, and this was the first Hammer Bro. I'd come across, but still.
Yoshi and I ran past two Bullet Bills that were shooting out of a raised area, as the Hammer Bro. chucked a pair of hammers at us. Yoshi shot his tongue at the Hammer Bro., but for some reason wasn't able to eat him and just flipped him on his back. We ran over to him and jumped on him before he could get back up, finally defeating him.
On the second area of the planet was another cage that had to be broken open by a Bullet Bill, and freed a lever to activate the next lift. Man, what was with all the lifts in this damn place? Was there a lot that Junior had to get ready for the boss fight and he was just trying to waste my time so he could get everything set up by the time I completed the level? It wouldn't exactly surprise me if Junior inherited his father's time management skills (or lack thereof), which everyone knows totally suck.
Take New Super Mario Bros. 2. I made it to Bowser's Castle and only got petrified once in that section with the Koopalings flashing me with the Koopa Clown Car's headlights. And when I arrived in the throne room, Bowser was just then bringing in Peach's cage and getting it hooked up to the ceiling. Upon seeing me, all he had to say was, "Oh. I thought the Koopalings would keep you occupied longer."
Once again, IQ of 289 my ass.
The lift departed from the main planet, but as it did, I giant purple portal opened ahead of me and to my left. What the flip now? And what emerged from it but an airship (what did I tell you? Airship Armada 2.0!) that was on a course to intercept the lift. It didn't look like it was preparing to attack me with its cannons or anything, but still, how the heck was I gonna get past it?
Wait…never mind, false alarm, there was a slot in the airship that it looked like the lift would pass right through, and I'd just have to run along the deck of the airship while the lift passed through it. Okay, this would be pretty simple after all.
…Or at least it would've been, had something else not happened.
Above the lift's path and ahead of the airship, space itself suddenly…splintered, is the only way I could describe it. A giant purple tear appeared and slowly grew larger, fracturing the space around it like broken glass.
"Uh, Mario, what's happening?" Yoshi whimpered.
"More Bowser shenanigans, no doubt," I grumbled. Or Star Bunny. Either way, I didn't like it.
The groaning of wood under pressure came from the purple crack, and then a…a pirate ship came through. Not an airship, this thing didn't have any propellors or rocket engines or anything on it, and for that matter was considerably larger than an airship. It was a bona fide pirate ship. Its sails were black with what looked like a golden squid printed on them.
"That doesn't look like a Bowser-y emblem," Yoshi remarked.
Suddenly, a person rushed to the bow of the ship. Not a Koopa or a Goomba, but a human. Okay, what in all flip was going on here? If this ship wasn't with Bowser, then who the hell was it with and why were they here?"
"Your Grace!" the person at the bow shouted. "You'd…you'd better come see this, sir!"
…Once again, would someone please explain what was going on?
The pirate ship finished emerging from the portal-thing…and once it did, thanks to its lack of propulsion, it started falling. As in, falling right towards the airship, and where my lift would be in about ten seconds.
"Mario, we're in trouble," Yoshi said.
Meanwhile, beyond the first airship, another regular ol' Bowser portal opened, and another airship emerged from it. Not that I was really paying that much attention, giving the much more immediate problems closer at hand.
A door at the back end of the pirate ship banged open, and out walked some guy in a suit of armor with a short, dark brown beard and hair. He stumbled as the pirate ship pitched down further, and grabbed onto the ship's rigging to keep from falling. "Where the bloody hell are we?" he shouted. "And where did the rest of the Iron Fleet go?"
The front end of the pirate ship smashed into the airship. The guy who had emerged from the ship's interior and two others fell off the pirate ship and onto the deck of the airship. Not that that was a much better place to be, since both of the ships were being obliterated from the collision. The remains of the airship started to pitch down too, being crushed under the weight of the pirate ship. They fell below the path of the lift just in time, as the lift skimmed by right over them. The billowing sails of the pirate ship flapped behind the lift, but thankfully none of the masts fell on it.
"Oh man, that was close," Yoshi said as I steered us around a Mine to grab a Life Mushroom. "I thought we were toast."
Suddenly, the back of the lift rocked. I spun around to see that the guy who had been called out of the pirate ship had dug his sword into the lift, and was using it to haul himself onto it. Was this good or bad? I mean, at first it seemed like he was an enemy of Bowser's, but the fact that he had no idea where he was made me question that. Maybe he'd somehow ended up here by accident. And in that case, I had no idea where his allegiances lay.
"Uh, stay right there, man," I said. "Don't come any closer. Who are you?"
He pulled himself all the way onto the lift and wrenched the sword from it. "Who am I? Who am I? I am Urine Greyjoy-"
I kid you not, that's literally what he said. I stifled a laugh.
"-King of the Iron Islands, Son of the Sea Wind, and Lord Reaper of – what the fuck are you laughing at?"
Oops. Thought I'd done a better job of hiding my laughter.
"Nothing, just your name, it's…it's Urine." Saying the word broke the levee, and all the laughter I'd been fighting to contain came pouring forth.
"Please don't blame him, King Greyjoy, sir," Yoshi said. "His sense of humor is very lowbrow."
Urine growled and pointed his sword at me. "That accent of yours…you're from the Free Cities, aren't you? You're working with her. With Daneris."
I have no idea if I spelled that anything close to properly. Man, where was this dude from that everyone had these oddball names?
"We don't know any Daneris, King Greyjoy, sir. We-"
"I am no knight. I am a king. You will address me as 'Your Grace.'"
Man, someone was a tightwad.
"Whoever you are, whatever dark magic you worked to bring me here," Urine said, "take me back to Blackwater Bay. Now, and I'll make your end swift."
"Dude, I don't even know who the flip you are. Whatever you were in the middle of doing before coming through that portal, I didn't create it. The portal was probably opened by this guy Bowser Jr., who I'm going to fight now. You're welcome to join me if you – OW!"
Something flew into the back of my head, knocking me off Yoshi. I sat up to see that the lift was starting to enter the second airship, and a Hammer Bro. on it had chucked a hammer at me. "You killed my bro earlier in the level!" he said, then looked at Urine. "And you wrecked that airship back there! Those things are expensive, man, and you're gonna have to pay for that, you know." He hurled another hammer at Urine.
The pirate grabbed it in midair as it was about to hit him. "Was that a threat?"
"What? No, no, I meant you'll literally have to pay for it. As in, like, monetarily."
I chased Yoshi down and got back on him while Urine and the Hammer Bro. were distracted with each other. Maybe this standoff between them would last long enough that I could get away on the lift and leave them both behind. I wasn't sure I exactly trusted that Urine guy.
Yoshi and I leapt onto the airship and…oh, there was a Comet Medal there. I grabbed it, but…if these things really were Comet Medals and not Star Coins, did that mean there were going to be Prankster Comets in boss galaxies this time around? Oh man, I hoped not! I didn't want to have to come back to this galaxy again! Certainly not for a speed run (given all the slow-moving lifts), which, given my luck, this galaxy's Prankster Comet would probably turn out to be. And that was assuming any of the Prankster Comet types from my first galactic adventure would be back this time, since so far, the only Prankster Comet level I'd completed was that bizarre "Spiny Rainbow Romp" in the Yoshi Star Galaxy.
"If you weren't threatening me, then why did you throw a hammer at me?" Urine demanded.
"Well, because that's just what I do to anyone I see who's not part of the Koopa Troop. I don't really have anything against you, dude, it's just what I'm instructed to do. So…we're cool, right?"
Before the Hammer Bro. could leap to the side or anything, Urine whipped the hammer back at him. The hammer's claw lodged in his head and he fell over, dead.
Yeah, this guy was definitely crazy.
I mean, that's totally something I would do if my reflexes were fast enough to catch a flying hammer in midair, but only because I've been subjected to the obnoxiousness of Hammer Bros. for three decades now. Urine had just met one of them. Big difference.
The lift emerged from the portside of the airship, and Yoshi and I leapt onto it. The glass cage was bearing down on us, but the Bullet Bills shooting from each side of the cage hadn't noticed us yet. At least the lift had pulled away from the airship soon enough that Urine couldn't get on it.
"Where do you think you're going?"
I whirled around. Urine dashed across the airship's deck, then took a running leap and landed on the back end of the lift. Oh come on! What did I have to do to get rid of this guy?
"If you and your strange, talking green horse-"
"Hey, that's racist!" Yoshi said.
"-can't get me back to Blackwater Bay, then you're of no further use to me." He lunged at us with his sword.
Yoshi flutter-jumped over the attack and landed on the back end of the lift, while Urine spun around to face us again. "So, you can fly," he said. "Interesting."
Meanwhile, two Bullet Bills locked onto us and headed straight for the lift. Oh yay, more trouble.
Urine slashed at us again, and Yoshi went to flutter-jump to dodge the attack. But before we could get above him, he grabbed Yoshi's leg with his non-sword-holding hand and slammed us onto the lift. He raised his sword over us. "Now you die."
Suddenly, both of the Bullet Bills that were homing in on me hit Urine full-on in the back. He flipped over me and Yoshi and flew off past the edge of the lift…but as he fell, he grabbed Yoshi's arm and pulled him off too. NO! I looked over the edge the edge of the lift to see both of them fall towards the Mushroom Planet.
Well this was great. I mean, I knew Yoshi would be fine-ish, since he was still safely back on Starship Mario, but now I couldn't have him blow open the glass cage!
In that case, I'd have to do it the old-fashioned way. As in, lure the Bullet Bills after me, jump in front of the glass cage, and then evade the Bullet Bill at the last second so it smashes the cage apart but doesn't hit me.
The lift was only several yards out from the cage, and another Bullet Bill was just being fired. I ran as close to it as I could while still staying on the lift, and it immediately saw me. It looped back around towards me as the front end of the lift started to pass under the cage. As the Bullet Bill neared me, I backflipped in front of the cage. The Bullet Bill flew upward to try to hit me, but by that time I had already landed back on the lift. And before the Bullet Bill could drop back down to hit me, it smashed open the cage. The lift and I both passed through it to the small planet that lay beyond the cage.
The planet only contained a checkpoint flag (FINALLY!), a Lumalee, a Launch Star, and two more of those stupid statues of Bowser Jr. that were on basically every planet in this galaxy.
I ignored the Lumalee because I still had five wedges of health from the Life Mushroom I'd collected between the two airships. But as I went to get in the Launch Star, something rose from behind the planet. It was a spaceship, and the front end of it looked basically the same as Junior's Robot Cockpit, just a bit bigger, with its windshield tinted, and with a small blue area behind it that ended in a large thruster. Okay, at least I could say with a fair degree of certainty that Bowser was behind this unwelcome surprise.
The windshield of the ship opened, and someone leapt out of it onto the planet. He was some blue, humanoid creature with glowing red eyes and a cowboy hat, and two small blasters holstered on his belt. Who the flip was this?
"So," he said, "you're the plumber who's caused Bowser so much trouble over the years."
Wait a second.
Blue…cowboy….
My mind flashed back to the headline from The Galaxy Times that I'd read last Monday, while the Toad Brigade and I were on our way to the Cosmic…Cavern…Cove, whatever, Galaxy:
"MUSHROOM CITY-DWELLING MILLIONAIRE JAY GATSHROOM ASSASSINATED BY 'BLUE COWBOY,' WITNESSES SAY!"
"Jay Gatshroom," I said. "It was you! You're the guy who killed him, that blue cowboy!" And he had me thinking Blue Cowboy from the Village Toads had become a murderer!
He tipped his hat. "Name's Cad Bane. And guilty as charged. It was unfortunate there was a witness to that particular hit, but trust me, there won't be any this time."
So, what, Bowser hired some random assassin to kill me? That was low, even for him.
"Wait, wait, wait, let's be reasonable here." I raised my hands defensively in front of me. "Uh, how about you don't kill me, and…whatever Bowser's paying you to kill me, I'll double it."
"You're bluffing. Plumbers don't have that kind of money."
Okay, this guy wasn't kidding around. I took stock of my surroundings. We were both about the same distance from the Launch Star. Could I get in there and activate the Launch Star before he got a shot off? Bowser's pretty incompetent; did I want to bet that a bounty hunter he hired would be too?
Seemed like the best option I had.
"Hold up," Lumalee squealed. "You said there'd be no witnesses. Does that…include me?"
Maybe this was just the diversion I needed.
"What do you think?" Bane replied.
Lumalee froze and dropped his batons. Then he flew away, back towards the fixture the glass cage had been in.
In a flash, Bane grabbed one of his blasters and fired off three rounds at Lumalee. I didn't even bother seeing what happened to Lumalee; I leapt into the Launch Star and Star-Spun to activate it. Bane adjusted his blaster and shot another round at my head. A fraction of a second before it hit me, the Launch Star sent me flying through the air.
Only I legit would've taken a successful headshot over what actually happened.
Yep, given my typical sour luck, the Launch Star launched me away at just the right time that the blast that was supposed to hit me between the eyes ended up nailing me between the legs.
"OW!" I screamed as I was propelled towards the ring-shaped planet.
This whole level was playing out like a much more nonsensical version of Boss Blitz from Super Mario 3D World. Only instead of knowing what all the vengeful bosses' beef with me was, like I did back then, so far I was dealing with an angry pirate and a bounty hunter cowboy. I would almost prefer if I'd had to put up with another Lubba insurrection than deal with this nonsense!
I landed on the ring planet, and immediately collapsed due to my injured crotch. I saw that next to me was a Yoshi egg, so I guess I'd have access to Yoshi again for the fight with the giant Hammer Bro.
And then I heard all-too-familiar laughter. Junior's laughter.
Why did I keep ending up in a crippled, weakened state upon first encountering Junior in his boss galaxies? First my back got broken, and now this time I'd probably been castrated! What was this, the universe's sick sense of karma for me laughing at Bowser getting castrated after the Winter Olympics last year?
I looked up and saw Junior approaching the planet in his Robot Cockpit, accompanied by the same dumb fanfare as last time:
Da-da-da da-da! Da-da-da da-da!
"Don't you know when to quit?!" he said. "I'm gonna enjoy taking you out from the cozy confines of my Robot Cockpit!"
Um…pardon me, but this was supposed to be the part where he sent a giant Hammer Bro. to do his dirty work and kill me for him. So…what, there was no giant Hammer Bro. after all? Then why were there two regular Hammer Bros. in the level? And how the heck was he gonna battle me from inside the Robot Cockpit, which had absolutely no armaments on it whatsoever?
"So you want a grand Star, do ya?" he continued. "Well, come on, tough guy! Let's see if you're any match for Megahammer…and my new friends!"
What, you mean to tell me spoiled brats like Junior actually have friends?
A shield with two glowing + signs in it dropped down over the Robot Cockpit's windshield, accompanied by an aggravatingly high-pitched alarm going off. Three beams of electricity shot from the bottom of the Robot Cockpit. Was he trying to attack me or something, because if so, he was way off.
Suddenly, something rose through the center of the ring, being hauled up by the Robot Cockpit.
Oh gosh.
It wasn't a giant Hammer Bro., but there was no question about it – it was Megahammer.
The robot's body was roughly spherical and bright green, with two giant "arms" ending in oversized hammers, a total of eight Bullet Bill cannons on it, and three strange blue orbs – one on its back and two on its front. Megahammer's body locked into place on the bottom of the Robot Cockpit (making the Robot Cockpit look like its head and those +es like its eyes), and powered up and raised its hammers.
Suddenly, the bottom of each hammer retracted into its sides, and four figures leapt out of the interior of each hammer; all eight landed on the planet, four to either side of me. To my left were three people who looked like human versions of Battoad, Wonder Toadette, and Harley Shroom, along with some nondescript yellow quadruped. To my right were some hippie in a green shirt, a medieval-looking girl with a short sword, and an anthropomorphic cat and rabbit, the latter chewing on a carrot.
And to top it all off, Cad Bane suddenly came flying up from beneath the planet, propelled by a pair of jets on his boots, and landed in front of me.
"Behold, Mario!" Junior declared. "Your doom!"
…For once I couldn't even think of some snark to throw at him. It was all I could do to smack Yoshi's egg and break it open. "We got trouble, man," I said as he hatched. "Big trouble."
A/N: I know you're all hating me for that cliffhanger right now. That's fair; I deserve it.
For all you non-Thronies out there (I imagine Super Mario and GoT don't have a huge fanbase overlap), the guy Mario was calling Urine is actually Euron Greyjoy, and the other name that Mario thought was spelled Daneris is actually spelled Daenerys. And if you're wondering how Euron suddenly arrived in the MGTU from a different universe…that'll be revealed in the next post.
As for what comes next, in the next week or two, I should have the next chapter posted. That's right, I said "chapter." The conclusion to this level is going to be really hard to try to split into neat chapters, so it's just going to be one super-long chapter (like, the length of a regular post, but one chapter instead of three or four). I can't wait to get it written and posted; I've been slowly constructing this showdown in my head for about half a year now. Until then, happy Super Bowl Sunday, the most important day of the year (kidding…sorta)!
Next up: Mario's doom…or is it?