Part 1: One of Their Own

Chapter 2: A Commander's Guilt

Summary: Shepard is brought to the med-bay where he is treated for his injuries after his fight with Tali. The reality of the situation is felt by all.

A/N: So originally, this and what will be Chapter 3 were just going to be one chapter. However, life got in the way, and I've been dealing with some work and life stress derailing me a bit. Not wanting to go much longer without uploading something, I decided to split it, and hope to have the next chapter up either next week or the following week. As it is, this is kind of a filler chapter, but it sets up some of the stuff I want to do, so I wouldn't say skip it.

A lot can happen in span of one minute. It was one of the first lessons that Dr. Chakwas had learned when she first received her medical training. As a doctor, especially one serving in the Alliance Military, one needs to be prepared for the unexpected, to calm one's nerves in the face of fear, and always be ready to respond when the need arises.

As it turns out, that time was now.

One minute, she was enjoying a nice glass of Serrice Ice Brandy, writing an email to one of her longtime friends and colleagues at her desk's terminal, and enjoying some much needed down time. The next, she's getting a call from EDI, alerting her to prepare her med-bay for Shepard's arrival, and that he was in need of serious medical assistance.

In a flash, the Normandy's doctor sprang into action, wasting no time in asking questions. Digging for the who, what, when, why, and how would only waste critical seconds. That was time that could potentially cost someone's life. Questions could always be asked later, for death does not wait have the luxury of waiting around. Especially when her patient had already managed to best him once.

She quickly inspected and prepper her medical instruments, readied one of the nearby beds, and fogged the windows to ensure privacy and protection for her patient. By the time Liara stumbled into the room with a barely conscious and delirious Commander Shepard hanging from her side, Chakwas was ready to serve.

Externally, she was as calm and quick-thinking as ever, ordering Liara to place him on the bed. Chakwas utilized every second that passed from Liara's arrival to her escorting him to the bed to assess the damage and state of her commanding officer. His right arm was caked in blood, burns and scorch marks covered his body and frayed clothes, his hands imbedded with small to medium sized shards of glass, and a knife lodged deep within his thigh. A knife that looked oddly familiar to the doctor, but she couldn't quite place where she had seen it before.

Once she was able to measure the extent of his physical injuries, she quickly determined her next steps. Practically kicking Liara out the door of her med-bay so she could focus, the doctor steeled her nerves, sedated the commander, and got right to work.

For all the years she had worked with him, Chakwas had never seen Shepard look so tattered. In all his battles, struggles, and deployments, she could never recall him taking a beating like this. He had always seemed to have a knack of escaping impossible scenarios with minimal injury, such was the legend of the great Commander Shepard.

Whatever had happened, it was obvious to Chakwas that it was no accident. Injuries like this do not happen without deliberate intent. No, it was clear that Shepard had been attacked. But what, or whom, could have possibly done this to him - on the Normandy no less?

After a few hours of emergency and reconstructive surgery, Chakwas' job was finished. The wonders of modern medical science were a damn miracle, the doctor noted to herself.

The minor scratches, bruises, and burns could easily be fixed with the application of some medi-gel, Chakwas was not too worried about that. Some of the larger visible markings would remain along his arms and face, but those would fade within a day or two as the medi-gel took effect. Once she had removed the glass lodged in his arms and hands, and carefully extracted the knife so as to avoid damaging anything vital, she got to work on fixing the scarring. Thankfully, the Normandy had still been equipped with the dermal regenerative unit that she had used on him to heal and cover up his scarring from Cerberus' Lazarus Project. Any concerns she had of lingering scarring and long term physical impediments would not be an issue as the machine helped heal the skin and tissue beneath the surface.

As far as she could tell, the hard work was completed, there was not much else she could for him. Her scans had shown that he still had several broken ribs and a moderate concussion. The body would have to do that work on its own, but thankfully, it seemed as though Cerberus' cybernetic implants were already making quick work of the recovery process. Not only had they helped the Commander avoid more serious injuries, but it allowed for his body to quickly heal itself beyond what a normal human could do. The fact that he would be able to walk out of her office on his own accord mere hours after he came in here dangling of one of his closest friend's shoulders, Chakwas considered that a huge success. For all the trouble and harm that Cerberus had caused over the years, they had at least done some damn good in bringing him back.

Shepard would still need some time to properly heal and wouldn't be ready for immediate action, Chakwas would have none of that. But considering what Shepard had just been through, the fact that he could be cleared for missions again within a few days was nothing short of impressive.

The physical damage would ultimately be a non-issue going forward. Unbeknownst to the good doctor, however, the mental damage was going to be another matter entirely.

With the thrill and excitement of the last few hours waning, Chakwas was finally given a moment to admire her handiwork. Letting out a quick sigh, she reached for a nearby towel to wipe the sweat that she had not realized she had formed along her face. Making her final inspection, she could safely say that, overall, it was a job well done.

However, that admiration was mired with how worried she was for her commander. How could she not be after seeing Shepard, someone she had known and served with for years, someone she greatly respected, in such a state as he was when he came in.

She recalls once telling him that the Normandy was practically her spouse, and its crew her very children. If anything, that was doubly true when it came to Shepard. Her efforts to heal him and protect him from more harm, she was not a doctor working on her patient. She was the overprotective and distraught mother, dotting over every single blip on her injured son's body, ready to pounce on the poor soul who would even think of laying a hand on him.

'Someone had hurt him, tried to kill him. No one messes with my crew.' Chakwas thought to herself.

Knowing that the anesthesia should be wearing off, she walked over to the bed Shepard was laying in, ready to wake him up. Time for her to get some answers, once she knew he was okay that is.

"Rise and shine, commander."

Slowly, Shepard's senses returned to him as he was stirred awake from his slumber. He could feel that he was in a bed of sorts, laid flat on his back, sheets covering up to his upper torso. His eyes recoiled and closed from the overwhelming brightness coming from the lights above him. Eventually forcing them back open to adjust, he could make out the sights of the Normandy's med-bay. He could hear the voice of his long-time medical provider whispering to him, along with the generic noises of the medical equipment that served some sort of purpose, he would assume. He felt some gentle nudging coming from his right side where her hand was placed on his shoulder, as she tried stirring him back to consciousness.

Once his initial grogginess began wearing off, and Shepard recognized where he was, he was instantly slapped back to his haunting reality. Realizing that what he had hoped to be a terrible nightmare was ultimately true.

Tali, his saera, was indoctrinated.

"Welcome back to the land of the living, Commander" the usually calming voice of the crew's doctor greeted him once he was back to full consciousness. Unfortunately, it had little effect this time around.

It always amazed him how she could flip a switch between nurturing caretaker and iron-willed enforcer who could scare anyone into submission. He turned his head to face Chakwas, who was wearing a warm and graceful smile. A small reassurance, but still nowhere near enough to ease his troubled mind. He tried to move and get himself up, before a hand was placed on his chest and lowered him back down onto the bed.

"Don't even think about it young man." He turned back to face her. The smile was gone, the switch had been flipped. It was replaced with a stubborn glare and reprimanding voice that could probably drive the Reapers themselves back into dark space. "With how you were brought in here, you're not getting up until I say so. Besides, I still need to run some tests on you before you can even think of getting up on your own."

She moved to the back of the bed to adjust the angle, raising him up to rest at about a 45º angle to make him more comfortable.

"EDI, please alert Liara that the commander is awake and that she is clear to enter. I have some questions for the two of them that I would like answered," Chakwas states as she circles back in front of Shepard.

After getting the acknowledgement she was looking for from EDI, Chakwas set to work on evaluating her now cognizant patient. He answered any preliminary and standard medical questions she asked and followed her instructions to the letter. Once that was complete, she settled in front of the bed and started running through the extent of his injuries and the procedures she did to help him.

It might have been the most important thing in the world, but to him, it might as well have been white noise. His body was here, but his mind was back up in their cabin, reliving every…single…second of what he had just been through.

It took everything he had to try and not breakdown in front of Chakwas as those memories brought everything he felt back to the surface. His fear when it first dawned on him what had happened to his Tali, how it had essentially paralyzed him. How her words, her idea to partner with the Reapers to help her people and allegedly help the galaxy, had sickened him. How powerless he felt in knowing that he could not, would not, fight back.

Mostly, however, he was angry at himself.

His internal thoughts of self-loathing were interrupted, as both Liara and Garrus entered the med-bay, the door quickly shutting and locking behind them. Seeing their longtime friend finally awake, they both made their way to him, Garrus coming up to stand at his side, and Liara standing next to Chakwas to confer with her.

Garrus was the first to speak, his talon coming to rest on the human's shoulder. "Good to see you awake Shepard. You doing okay?"

At first, all Shepard could muster was a deep sigh. How could he answer that? What could he even say to that? "No, not at all Garrus," he groaned as he fought back the tears that threatened to spill from his face.

Garrus immediately regretted asking him that. He regretted it even more after seeing the look of contempt he was getting from Liara. Of course Shepard wasn't okay, how could anyone in his shoes be? It was at this moment that Garrus realized that he, too, had flexibility, as he had successfully managed to put his entire foot in his mouth.

Trying to change the subject, and seeing how distraught the two of them looked, Liara turned her focus back to Chakwas. "How is he?" she simply asked her.

"Definitely better than how he came in. I was able to patch him up as best I could, fix and conceal the scarring from his wounds and repair the damaged tissue in his leg. The rest will just heal in time. If there's one thing to thank Cerberus for, it's those implants he's got running through his body. They can't make him immortal, but they can work miracles. It's healing his insides faster than humanly possible. I'll spare the two of you the medical details, the gist of it is that he's clear to perform light duty assignments and return to active duty in about a week."

As Liara smiled and turned to Garrus, who looked equally relieved, Chakwas took the chance to break away from the group to grab something from the nearby desk. "Now, perhaps one of you could now answer some of my questions. Starting, with this."

She returned, holding out the combat knife that she had extracted only a few hours ago. Both Liara and Garrus could do nothing but stare at the object, each silently hoping the other would be able explain it.

"I can't for the life of me remember, but I know I've seen this somewhere before. It's not Alliance issued, so it's not…"

"It's Tali's."

All three of them looked back to their crestfallen commander, who was tightly gripping the bed sheets in his hands. His Adam's Apple bobbing up and down as his voice struggled with the simple two word answer. 'No point in beating around the bush on this, might as well just come clean,' he thought.

"She…attacked me…tried to kill me." The admission finally breaking his hold as the tears began streaming down his face. The memories started playing again in his head like an old vid reel.

Tali strutting into their cabin.

Her back to him as she hacked the door, sealing them inside.

Her speech revealing her indoctrination.

Her brandishing her knife and charging him.

Her rage filled eyes that shone through her mask.

Her sending Chatika after him and it detonating in his face.

Her stabbing him.

His failed attempt at bringing her back.

The glass cutting into his neck, a flick of the wrist to seal his fate.

Out of all the possible hypotheses that Chakwas had, that wasn't one she had even remotely considered. Her steeled nerves were now a pile of rubble, the doctor visibly shaken by what he said. The knife falling to the floor after slipping from her limp hand.

Seeing both Chakwas' reaction and Shepard's hesitancy, Garrus had elected to step in. "Tali's been indoctrinated. The bastards tried to get her to kill Shepard. Liara stopped her just before she could."

Chakwas couldn't believe what she had just heard. "God…" she uttered, barely audible, before her trembling hands came up to her face, covering her mouth in shock.

"Ashley is keeping an eye on her at the moment." Garrus turns back to Shepard before continuing. "We were just down there when we got the call you were up. She won't talk to us, hasn't said a word since we…uh…"

"Locked her up." Shepard finished Garrus' sentence for him, still unable to make eye contact with anyone.

"I'm sorry Shepard, that's now what I mea…"

"I know, Garrus. You did what you had to. It was…the right choice." He finally mustered the strength to look back up at his best friend. Hell, after everything that the two of them have been through, Garrus meant a hell of a lot more to him than that. "Thank you, brother."

Garrus had never been the best when it came to reading someone's emotions. But looking into his friend's eyes for the first time since the incident in his cabin, Garrus didn't have to be an expert to see everything that Shepard was thinking.

Garrus knelt down so that the two were at eye level. "Shepard, this isn't your fault. You can't blame yourself for this."

"I did this to her!" Shepard raised his voice to a yell, a stark contrast from the hushed whispers he was struggling to get out earlier. The sudden outburst briefly freezing everyone to their spot. "ME!" his finger pointed directly at himself as he shouted. "The signs were in front of me, but I was too blind to see that my own girlfriend was being brainwashed!"

He started counting up on his fingers. "Virmire. The Reaper IFF. Rannoch. Sanctuary. She was there for all of it. Had I seen it I could have maybe helped her, but I didn't. She's like this because of me."

All Garrus could do was sit there, stupefied, as his long-time friend verbally berated himself. The anger, the self-hatred, the guilt, it was all something that Garrus had seen before, and knew all too well. He was staring at Shepard, but he might as well have been looking in a mirror, the similarities were uncanny.

It was those same exact feelings that plagued him every day and night after he and his team were betrayed on Omega. How he came back to a smoldering enterprise and all but two of his men alive, who ultimately didn't last much longer. He remembered mourning over their still warm corpses, and how he wanted to do nothing more than find the man responsible and make him answer for every single life that had been taken far too early. He would have put ten bullets in Sidonis' body, one to match every life that he had essentially snuffed out that day. He had really taken to heart an old human saying, "An eye for an eye."

In the immediate aftermath, once Shepard had rescued him from certain death at the hands of Omega's criminal underbelly, he had almost locked himself away. He hid behind a flimsy excuse of "calibrations" that needed to be done, trying to conceal how he felt, drowning himself in work to distract his guilty mind.

All the while, it not only created a rift between him and his friend, it allowed his contempt to fester. His mind began to draw out more and more sadistic means to bring Sidonis' life to an end. With each new thought, all with an equally crueler method, his hatred towards Sidonis began to shift more towards himself. After all, it was his misplaced trust, his own mistakes, his own decisions, that got his brothers in arms killed that day. Sidonis was just the one to exploit it. This understanding only fueled his growing anger, his growing violent tendencies, and the growing rift, until finally, he had a lead on his whereabouts. Finally, he could get justice, and nothing would stand between him and Sidonis.

And of course, he remembered how it was Shepard that was there for him, and had managed to literally stand between him and the man that had become his obsession.

He had no right to help him, not after the way he practically locked himself away. And yet, Shepard did it anyway, and in the end, he was the voice of reason for him when he was finally face to face with Sidonis. How he talked him down from his quest for revenge, not justice, and how he helped him through his demons. He wanted Sidonis to suffer, he wanted to see the coward pay. But when he saw him, and heard what he had to say, and with everything Shepard had said to him ringing in his ears, he just couldn't go through with it. He had not been the heartless monster Garrus had pictured in his head, the man was already dead, consumed by the guilt of his actions. In the end, Shepard had been right, and he was forever grateful to have someone like him looking out for the good for nothing turian he was.

Remembering all of that and what they had been through, what he had done for him, it only served to make Garrus feel worse. Unlike his men, Tali wasn't dead. She was still here, alive, and an ever-present reminder of the guilt plaguing Shepard's mind and body. Garrus was able to move on because he finally had closure over the darkest chapter of his life. What closure does Shepard have? What consolation could he even give to him? Shepard had called him brother, but what kind of brother could he be to him, when he couldn't even return the favor.

What made it worse was that there was a million things Garrus wanted to say, but ultimately knew that none of it would convince Shepard to change his mind. There was nothing he could do to comfort his guilt-ridden conscience. No one could, except for one person. The one who knew him better than anyone on this entire ship. The one person that might be able to reach him emotionally, someone who always had a knack for breaking down the Commander's inner walls.

The problem was, she was currently indisposed at the moment.

Even Liara, who had stood next to Chakwas watching Shepard's blow up, was at a loss over how to help. Much like Garrus, she had her own memories of how Shepard had been there to support her. After all, he had helped her take down the Shadow Broker and rescue Feron several months ago, all of this after how coldly she had treated him when he first walked into her office on Illium. After she continued to try and push him away during their mission, how she tried to avoid even talking to him so that she could focus squarely on their objective…her objective.

But she also knew, better than anyone, exactly how it felt to see their loved one be indoctrinated and commit unspeakable atrocities against their will. Especially against the people that they love. Her own mother had become a victim of it, becoming nothing but a pawn in Saren and Sovereign's plan.

She should have at least tried to support him, to sympathize with how he was feeling, the guilt over not being able to do more for the people they love.

Perhaps the Liara from 3 years ago would have been able to help. The Liara now, however, just stood there, watching her friend suffer, and it made her sick. How could she have lost her way so much?

With both Garrus and Liara frozen, each not knowing how to proceed, neither had noticed Chakwas returning to her desk, and pouring herself another glass of brandy at what she had just learned. Her hand shaking as the liquid poured from the container, causing a good chunk of its contents to land on the table rather than the glass. What training could prepare her for a scenario like this?

"Commander…" the doctor stuttered after taking the shot of alcohol, "I…I'm so sorry." For how genuine her statement and acknowledgement of his pain might be, it's impact was ultimately hollow. "But…with all due respect, how could a few isolated incidents have been enough to indoctrinate her? Even Saren was constantly exposed before he became indoctrinated. It's just that…there has to be something more to this."

Liara grimaced at the words, for she had the answer to the doctor's question. "I believe I have an idea doctor. We were able to remove Tali's omni-tool, and I had Glyph run some scans on it to access its contents." She began opening up her own omni-tool so she could show everyone what her VI assistant had found.

On her display, was an image of a Reaper Capital Ship. "It uncovered several terabytes of data on the Reapers. Data that appears to have been compiled by Cerberus as they were researching the derelict Reaper that you had boarded several months ago. Scrolling further, there are detailed notes regarding the use and application of Reaper technology, similar to what we found in Henry Lawson's research facility at Sanctuary. These researchers included theories and posited their own conclusions about the Reapers purpose and mission, as well as schematics surrounding their design and how they function. All based on what they were able to siphon directly from the Reaper's internal systems."

As afraid as she was, she looked back to Shepard to gauge his reaction. He had returned to staring blankly at his bed sheets, revolted and dismayed at the revelation, knowing that she had lied to him. But it was much worse than that. "What Glyph found was a repeated pattern of its user accessing its contents over the last several months. Time gaps ranging from a few minutes to several hours at a time, sometimes multiple times per day."

Hours ago, he had just been stabbed in the leg and had a bomb explode in his face, but hearing everything Liara was saying was somehow more painful.

"I would imagine that whatever motivated Tali to do this, the seed had been planted long before. Perhaps it was small, but enough to convince her to hide this from us. And this data gave her immediate, constant, and unfettered access to material that could indoctrinate anyone, much like the Cerberus scientists."

Once her presentation was through, Liara becoming more and more discomforted as she proceeded, she promptly deleted and scrubbed all of the information from her own omni-tool. Holding onto it was simply too dangerous, as recent events had proved.

Silence hung in the air as Liara's revelation of what Tali had hidden from all of them sank in. None of it soothed the commander's flustered mind, but had only exacerbated his guilt. Knowing that all of this had been happening, literally, right under his roof for months, and he hadn't noticed any of it. That what should have been the red flags, ranging from the ear ringing and worsening migraines, he had elected to just play off as minor health issues. What kind of a saera was he? He was supposed to protect her, and he failed miserably.

He stared at his hands, which continued to tightly clench onto the bed sheets, crumpling them further. Before, his vision had been marred by the tears that had formed along the edges. Now, there were no more tears, his vision had returned to perfect clarity. And all he saw was red.

The Reapers had taken enough as it stood, and it was his responsibility to make sure that they would take no more. This war will end with the Reapers destruction, no matter the cost.

Some time had passed since Shepard had first woken up. Chakwas had finished up the last remaining tests and scans she needed before allowing him to leave. Him being the commander of the Normandy meant she was going to double and triple check everything before giving him the green light.

He stepped out of the bed, his legs almost collapsing beneath him once his feet connected with the floor. As the muscles began to wake back up, he steadily regained his balance. There was still some soreness in his left leg that would take a few days to fully heal, as Chakwas had mentioned, so she handed him a cane to help support him as he walked. Shepard had to admit, the thought of using it left him feeling slightly emasculated. He would have considered rejecting it, had the look he received from Chakwas not quash any protest he had. The doctor's unspoken message was clear, "Use it to walk, or I use it to beat you over the head until the sense is knocked back into you."

'You know what, it's only a couple of days, what's the harm in using it' Shepard nervously thought to himself as he took the cane from her.

Garrus and Liara had stuck around, not wanting to leave Shepard high and dry. The two stood by his side as he took his first few steps to get a feel for it. Liara offered moral support, Garrus offered jokes about a 1v1 match between Shepard's cane and the stick up his ass.

With Shepard ready to finally escape, the three began making their way towards the med-bay door. However, just before he stepped close enough to trigger the door's automatic sensors, he stopped. "How many people know about this?" he turned around to ask his companions.

"We've been able to avoid the news from breaking out," Garrus answered. "Liara took the initiative to have the deck cleared so no one saw you coming down. People are asking questions, but that's all for now. Currently, the only people who know are the four of us, and Ashley."

"And EDI" Liara reminded him.

"Right, which means Joker probably knows as well."

"While he has displayed heightened levels of distress over the commotion, I have not mentioned anything regarding the attack to Jeff directly. From what I can gather, Garrus and Liara are correct, no one else aboard the Normandy is aware of Tali's actions" EDI chimed in.

This brought momentary relief to Shepard, knowing that the news had not yet spread. However, it soon faded, as Garrus was quick to remind him. "Shepard, at some point though, people are going to need to know. It's going to get out eventually, we can't hide it."

"I know Garrus, and you're right, the crew needs to know, and I will be the one to tell them." He turned his attention back to the door and resumed his walking, triggering the door's sensors. "But before I do…I need to see her."

A/N: First off, a plug for the Talimander discord server. If you are a Talimancer with a deep affinity for Mass Effect's best girl, join us. /NXtNy2JN

As I mentioned, this was originally going to be paired with another chapter. That didn't end up happening due to elements in and out of my control, and not wanting to continue delaying this any longer and go over a month without posting something, I decided to at least get this out now and continue working on the rest of it soon.

As usual, leave a comment. Could be anything. Praise, criticism, an error you noticed, someone acting OOC, your mother's recipe for meatloaf, whatever.