Chapter 24: Violena's past

Alvar and his companions rested for a few hours at the Spoiled Princess Inn. Once they were done resting and having food, Alvar decided to leave. Being wanted men, they had to be more careful when it came to discussing their plans in public, thus, he decided to travel a little distance away and then talk about their next move.

Alvar wondered if they would have a shortage of horses, but fortunately they did not. They had taken a horse for each of themselves and two horses as pack animals. Thus, they gave the two pack horses to Violena and Wynne while redistributing their load reasonably among all their horses. Bodahn and Sandal, the father-son dwarven merchants who were waiting in the Spoiled Princess Inn while Alvar had gone to the Circle; now joined him again.

After travelling for a mile or so from Lake Calenhad, Alistair pulled up his horse towards Alvar.

"Alvar, where are we going next?" he asked.

Alvar stopped his horse and turned around to face his companions who also stopped.

"We are going to Caer Oswin!" he declared, "to meet Bann Loren,"

"I thought we will go to Arl Eamon," protested Alistair.

Alvar rolled his eyes, "What will we do there?" he retorted. "Alistair, from all that we have heard about Redcliffe so far, what do you hope to find there? Eamon is sick and bedridden; he could not be healed despite various methods, his Arlessa has now sent all the knights of Redcliffe to search for Andraste's ashes!

"If a relic has become their only hope, think how desperate have they become?" Alvar scoffed, "I doubt Eamon is still alive after all this."

"Hey, don't say that!" snapped Alistair. "He could still be alive; I won't accept his death unless I see it myself."

Alvar crossed his arms, "Even if he is alive, what then?" he demanded, "Do we go there and stare at his unmoving body? We can get neither his support nor his soldiers."

"Well… we could try something," uttered Alistair, "We just saved the Circle even when it seemed impossible."

"Still, Redcliffe is far to the South, it will be a long purposeless travel if we get nothing of worth,"

"Then who is there in Caer Oswin and what do you hope to find there?" asked Alistair.

"Caer Oswin is the capital of the bannorn of Oswin," expounded Alvar, "The Bann Loren rules those lands, he is a vassal lord who had sworn fealty to my father. His wife and eldest son were guests at my estate when Howe attacked.

"Bann Loren has lost his wife and heir to Howe; he will be a willing ally if we are to stand against Loghain. And his lands are not far from here, in fact I believe we can reach the Oswin countryside today; And by tomorrow evening we will be in Caer Oswin."

"We need to stock up on supplies as well, the food and drink we have now can last only a few days at best," commented Morrigan. "If only that stupid Inn had enough for us to restock."

"Yes," affirmed Alvar, "We will have to buy fresh supplies; Caer Oswin is the closest town from here."

"He is just a Bann though, not like Arl Eamon," added Alistair.

"Yes," said Alvar, "And also he isn't unwell and has not sent his knights away in search of any holy relics. We are going to Caer Oswin, regardless of any objections." Alvar hoped the Bann was well, he remembered Leander telling him that the Bann Loren was not present at the Landsmeet. It was also one of the reasons he wanted to visit Caer Oswin.

After his declaration, Alvar trotted his horse towards Bodahn and Sandal. He told them of his destination and they agreed to come along. Bodahn expressed interest in visiting the market at Caer Oswin and readily agreed to come along with Alvar.

Alvar then turned his horse and they all continued in their journey to Caer Oswin.

xXxXxXxXxXx

It was late evening, Alistair and Leliana were cooking the dinner in the fireplace. Alvar sat on a rock a little distance away from the fireplace. He was in deep thought when he was approached.

"Lord Alvar?"

Alvar looked over his shoulder to see Violena Amell near him. "Yes," he said softly.

"I wanted to ask why you requested to take me," said Violena, "I mean, you do not know much about me, what made you decide you wanted me with you?"

"You are a fine mage with talents," answered Alvar, "At first, I was ready to simply take you along because all the other mages were considered dead. But after seeing your quick thinking and decision making; I was truly impressed and thus I felt you would make an excellent addition to my retinue."

Violena looked confused.

"Had you not convinced me and the Templars," continued Alvar, "We would have written off the circle as dead and I would have to suffice with just one mage. And if you had not saved me in the fade, I would have been lost to the demons. I owe you my life."

Violena blushed visibly at Alvar's words, she smiled shyly and looked down.

"As for not knowing about you, let us rectify that," saying that, Alvar got up from his place and stood in front of her, "Tell me about yourself, tell me of your life before the Circle."

"My parents are Lord Geesalac and Lady Revka Amell, my mother is the niece of Lord Aristide Amell."

"Yes," nodded Alvar, "I had heard of the Amell name before but I could not recall when and where."

"The Amells are a significant noble family in Kirkwall," Violena continued her story, "I was born in the year 9:10 Dragon, I also have a younger brother named Ammatus."

'She is two years younger than me,' Alvar thought to himself.

"My family was well off and until I turned eight years old, all I knew about were beautiful dresses, banquets, regular visits to the city Chantry and what not.

"Everything changed in my eighth summer, when my family and myself found out that I can do magic. My parents wept on finding out I was a mage, they wailed about how I was cursed with evil and why did it have to be our family!"

"Yes, I do not imagine they were pleased by the discovery," commented Alvar.

"That didn't stop them from handing me to the Chantry," said Violena, her tone changed, displaying slight hints of anger and resentment. "I mean, it hadn't taken them much to decide that I must be given to the Circle. And it wasn't enough that I would be kept in Kirkwall circle, they requested to have me transferred to the Fereldan Circle."

Alvar was silent for a few moments. "Lord Amell seems like a wise man," he spoke.

"What?" demanded Violena, shocked by Alvar's comment.

"It was a hard decision no doubt, but a right one," responded Alvar. "An untrained mage is a danger to everyone around including the mage. An uncontrolled mage can cause devastation beyond imagination.

"Magic exists to serve man and not to rule over him, your parents took a wise decision. Even if it was a bit harsh."

"That is not why they sent me away!" snapped Violena. "You think my parents had the society and the people in mind while they handed me to the Templars?" Violena gave a chortle. "I was listening outside the room when they talked. Do you know what they said? Their biggest worry was their reputation! They were worried of what the other nobles would talk behind their backs! They were worried how it would influence their standing with the Chantry and how it would affect grandfather Aristide's election to city magistrate!

"The safety of people was the last of their concerns; let alone my well-being!"

Alvar was quite surprised by her outburst, but he kept his poise, "Whatever be the reason, they still made a good decision," he said.

"They could have done something about it," retorted Violena. "Like hire a private tutor or something like that. My father could have done it, he was a man with power, he knew men. But instead, he decides to send me to be locked up in a prison for the rest of my life! They could at least keep me in Kirkwall Circle, where they could visit me. But no, they wanted me as far away as possible. They wanted to remove all traces of their daughter from their perfect lives!"

"But having magic is a danger, it brings great power and great dangers with it," said Alvar. "Magic exists to serve man and not rule over him, it is with good reason they keep the mages in the Circle. Away from the society, where they can safely practise their arts under supervision."

"But I did not ask for this!" yelled Violena, "All I ever wanted was to have a family and live my life the way other noble girls do! Why must I be punished for what I had no control over? If I could get rid of my magic I would have, but I cannot!"

"We do not choose what we get," Alvar spoke calmly, "That is the truth about our lives. We will not always get what we want. All we can do is accept our fate and be happy doing what we can."

Violena was struck by his words, she tried her best to hide the pain in her heart, "Accept our fate, eh?!" she mocked him, "Why aren't you doing that? I have heard that when people join Grey Wardens they give up their past lives and dedicate their remaining years to fighting darkspawn.

"At the Tower, you wanted the mages and Templars to side by you against your family's enemies. You still dream of taking back your lands from your enemies. Why are you not resigned to your fate as Grey Warden? Why are you not forgetting your past and embracing your duty as Grey Warden?! Why do you still dream of your old life, when the darkspawn should be your only concern?!"

Violena's words struck a nerve, Alvar frowned angrily at Violena. His wrathful face intimidated her for a moment, but he maintained his poise, "I do that because I can," he declared. "I can take back my lands from my enemies. But can you wish your magic away? Can you assure me with full certainty that if your father had hired a private tutor, things would have gone well for everyone?"

Tears welled in Violena's eyes, she pressed her lips together, "I thought you were different from other nobles," she sobbed. "I thought you would understand my plight. But I see you are no different than the rest of the lot! I will not bother you any longer, please excuse me, Lord Alvar." The tone in which she said the last two words was full of contempt and resentment. And she turned around stomped away.

Alvar placed his arms on his hips, he looked down and shook his head.

"You continue to make friends like always," a deep voice commented from back. Alvar knew the speaker without turning around. He sighed and rolled his eyes, he turned around.

"What do you want, Sten?" he demanded.

xXxXxXxXxXx

Meanwhile, Violena had walked away from the fireplace. She was angry and hurt. A little distance ahead of her was Morrigan who had set up her own fireplace and tent, far from the main camp. Violena was intrigued by Morrigan from the time she had seen her. An apostate mage living outside of the Chantry law, the confidence, the fearless way she carried herself etc. Violena had wanted to talk to her and now might be a good time to do so, she thought. She walked towards Morrigan's tent.

Morrigan was sitting near the fireplace and in her hand was a big black grimoire. She was engrossed in the book. "Morrigan!" Violena called out as she approached. Morrigan looked up and quickly closed the book.

"What do you need?" she asked impatiently.

"I uh… I just wanted to talk," she stammered, taken by surprise on her coldness.

Morrigan sighed, "Alright, come sit," she motioned near her while quickly putting the grimoire with her things, away from view.

Violena sat to her left, she tried to speak but no words came. She felt strange how even though she wanted to talk when the time came, she couldn't.

Morrigan looked at her face, being a keen observer, she noticed puffiness under her eyes and signs of weeping.

"You have been crying, what happened?" she asked.

Violena looked at Morrigan, "Oh… it is Alvar," she muttered.

"Alvar?"

"I thought he is different, but he isn't," uttered Violena, "He is just like the other noblemen."

"Figures," said Morrigan with a scoff, "I always knew that, despite what he would say."

"What did he tell you?"

"He told me about how he has a wife and I need not fear any advances from him," said Morrigan. "But I didn't believe it. Tell me what did he do? Invite you to his tent and politely request you to join him in bed for the night?

"Or did he order you to bed him?"

Violena was taken aback, "Maker, no!" she exclaimed. "Nothing of that sort happened. In fact, he did not show any interest in me!"

"Oh really?" Morrigan raised her eyebrows, "Tis surprising, Men are always willing to believe two things about a woman: one, that she is weak, and two, that she finds him attractive."

"What? That is not true!" retorted Violena.

"I have met more men than you, girl," proclaimed Morrigan.

Violena was silent, she pondered on the witch's words, she wondered if Cullen had believed the same about her. "Anyways, Alvar isn't like that, he hasn't said or done anything of that sort,"

"Alright, then why were you weeping?"

"Alvar believes the Chantry is doing the right thing," explained Violena. "He thinks it is for the good that mages are sent to the Circle and kept locked away from everyone. He agreed that my father's decision to send me to the Circle when I was eight was the right thing and lauded them for it."

"Of course, he does; that pious bastard," said Morrigan, "T'was obvious having seen the number of times he mentions his Maker."

"Mayhap so, but still I thought he would be different," Violena spoke in disappointment, "Or at least he would be more understanding of my plight,"

"Listen," said Morrigan, adjusting herself on her legs while sitting, "If you are looking for someone to listen while you pour out the sorrows of your heart, I am not the right person. Speak to Leliana or Alistair."

"I have something else to talk as well,"

"Then talk that," demanded Morrigan, "Not some wide-eyed soppy stories."

"Yes," nodded Violena, "You are the first mage I have seen who has been living outside the Circle. Tell me how is it," she requested eagerly.

"I was born outside," answered Morrigan, "I lived in a forest and have never been to the Circle."

"You were fortunate then," commented Violena, "But who trained you? How did you gain control over powers without the Circle?"

Morrigan gave a cynical laugh, "The Circle are not the only ones who know of magic. And what my mother taught me will not be found in any Circle on Thedas!"

"Your mother must be a talented mage then,"

"Oh, she is more than that," said Morrigan. "She is called Flemeth,"

Violena's eyes widened, "The Flemeth?! The Witch of the Wilds?" she exclaimed in surprise.

"The one and the same,"

Violena was struck by varied emotions, she was in awe and felt intimidated at the same time.

"As for being fortunate, I am not sure of that," added Morrigan.

"Why not? Had you been someone else, you would have been in the Circle like me,"

"I wouldn't spend one day in the Circle, subject to anyone's whims!" declared Morrigan, "I would escape or die trying. Not submit to those Templars like some do."

Violena felt offended at Morrigan's last sentence, "You don't know me, do not say things about what you don't know about. Why do you think I was imprisoned and expected to be executed?"

"Why?" asked Morrigan.

"I was caught trying to escape,"

"How, tell me more,"

"I have…. had a friend named Jowan. He was a struggling mage," explained Violena. "I had completed my Harrowing while he was yet to do so,"

"What is a Harrowing?" questioned Morrigan.

"It is a test, to prove that you are ready to be promoted to a mage," answered Violena. "If you pass the test, you are promoted from apprentice to mage."

"If you fail?"

"Failing the test results in being possessed by a fade demon, which in turn results in death by the Templars."

"What a joy!" Morrigan exclaimed sardonically.

"Anyways, I had passed my Harrowing when Jowan comes to me and tells me that he was having a love affair with a Chantry initiate, a young girl named Lily."

Morrigan rolled her eyes, "I thought I said, no soppy stories. But still, go on, I wish to know what happened,"

"After my Harrowing, Jowan told me about his affair and how he had planned to escape with Lily," Violena continued her story. "He asked me for help. I agreed on the condition they help me as well. And so, we had planned that we will destroy Jowan's phylactery kept in the Circle Tower and once we leave, we would go to Denerim and destroy my own phylactery."

"What is a phylactery?" asked Morrigan.

"It is a sample of your blood kept in a phial, the Templars use it to track runaway mages,"

"Using magic to catch mages," commented Morrigan. "How very creative of them."

"It went as planned, we had destroyed Jowan's phylactery and just as we had tried to leave the Tower, we were caught by the Templars. And that is when Jowan showed his true colours…."

"What happened?" Morrigan asked with curiosity.

"When the Templars cornered us, he revealed himself to be a blood mage," said Violena, her tone was now bitter, "When I had asked about it earlier, he had denied, he lied to me and his lover about it. But that didn't hurt me as much as what happened next."

"What happened next?"

"He used some blood magic spell knocking everyone unconscious, even me and Lily!" cried Violena. "He would talk big about friendship and love; but when the time comes, he escaped leaving me and his lover behind to face the music. He abandoned me and Lily to the Templars while we risked everything to help him."

"Men!" Morrigan commented with disgust. "And then what happened?"

"Lily was sent to Aeonar, a prison run by Templars for suspected blood mages and apostates. It is a place which would make the Circle appear like a paradise.

"And before my punishment could be decided, the Grey Wardens had come asking for the Circle's aid for the battle of Ostagar. With the Circle and the Templars busy, I was kept imprisoned in the Circle dungeons to await my sentence.

"And then you all came and here I am,"

Morrigan was silent for a few moments, then she spoke, "you said you were more upset by his betrayal, than that he was a blood mage. But yet I have seen you speak strongly against blood magic."

"Blood magic is evil, there is no doubt of it," answered Violena. "Had I known he was a blood mage I would have never helped him. But even after knowing when the Templars caught us, he could have at least warned me about his spell. I would have erected a shield around myself and Lily.

"But it seems he never cared about me or her,"

"He saw you as a tool," commented Morrigan. "T'would seem that is all you were to him."

"So, it seems," agreed Violena, "Now, I just hope I will see him again. Because when I do, I will make him wish he had not escaped the circle."

Morrigan gave a short laugh, but this time it held hints of admiration. "You know, you are not what I thought you to be. And I like it."

"What kind of magic did your mother teach you?" asked Violena.

"It is something you will not find in any Circle," answered Morrigan. "I will show you sometime, but not today. Now I wish to be alone, so leave me be."

Violena was disappointed but she was glad having talked to Morrigan, "Alright, we will speak again some other time then. Thank you for listening to me, I am glad we had our talk."

"Uh.. you are welcome,"

And Violena got up from the ground and walked towards the main fireplace.

xXxXxXxXxXx

(A/N: This scene happens at the same time as Morrigan and Violena's conversation. It is starts from Sten approaching Alvar after Violena walked away angrily.)

"What do you want, Sten?" demanded Alvar, he crossed his arms, "Were you overhearing our conversation?"

"Yes," the Qunari nonchalantly admitted.

"Were you never taught it is inappropriate to eavesdrop on conversations?!"

"No, in the Qun, it is encouraged," answered Sten, "It helps in finding out who do not truly submit."

"Right," said Alvar, "What was I thinking? This is the same barbaric cult that thinks their own ways of mass murder and subjugation is the best in the world and anyone who disagrees is sent to an indoctrination camp or better yet, executed!" he threw his arms in air.

"Now, do you have something to say?" demanded Alvar. "I am sure you have a reason to bother me."

"I was listening to your talk, I found it quite amusing."

Alvar placed his hands on his hips, "Is that so? What was so amusing about it?" he demanded.

"You and the Saarebas are quite alike even though you don't agree," said Sten in a deep tone,

Alvar frowned, "What do you mean?" he asked.

"You both hate what you are and wish you were something else, you do not accept what you are," answered Sten, "But I find it quite common among all your kind."

"A person should never have such thoughts; A Saarebas having such false thoughts is a danger to all. As a leader of your men, you should take precautions against such dangers."

Alvar was confused, "What are you asking me to do?"

"Under the Qun, there are ways which ensure that a Saarebas does not give in to the evil within them," explained Sten, "We do this by stitching the mouth of the Saarebas, we put them in heavy pauldrons with their arms chained to keep them in leash. And most importantly, they are never left alone; Always an Arvaarad shall accompany them.

"The Arvaarad or what you call the Templars here, will have a device which can be used to immobilize the Saarebas when required.

"From what I have seen, you humans do not have anything of such sort," said Sten. "That does explain why that rebellion happened at the Circle."

Alvar was stunned on hearing this. He always knew the Qun placed severe restrictions on people but this treatment of mages, he had never expected. He simply stood still, staring at Sten.

"I expect you to do something similar," said Sten. "After the rebellion, you cannot be more careful. Especially with three of them in this camp."

Alvar imagined the situation, he imagined Violena being subjected to similar treatment. Images of the young mage with her lips sewn shut and forced to wear pauldrons and chains appeared in his mind. If it was a blood mage, he would not have minded but Violena was not. From what Greagoir and the Templars had said, she had not even tried to escape during Uldred's insurrection. In fact, she had saved his life in the Fade; she was the reason he was not lost to demons.

"No!" said Alvar. "Violena will not be subjected to any of your heathen ways!" he declared with zeal. "I am a lord in these lands, I will not let Violena or any of the others suffer your barbaric treatment. We shall not talk of this again!" Violena's gender also played a small role in his decision. Alvar couldn't imagine subjecting a woman to such brutality.

Sten was impassive as always, "Alright, it is your decision," he said. "Just hope that it will not cost you dearly in the future."

"Leave such worries to my head," Alvar said sternly and looked away as Sten turned around and began to leave when suddenly Alvar remembered something.

"Sten, wait," he called the Qunari.

"What now?" asked Sten.

"You said that me and Violena are alike, what did you mean by that?" he asked. "Surely you know that I am not a mage like her."

"I meant you are alike in thought," came the answer, "The mage girl says she does not want to be a mage while you do not want to be a Grey Warden.

"You both do not accept what you are and instead of embracing what you are and striving for greatness in your designated roles, you try to become what you are not. You strive in vain while you could be using putting the same effort in improving what you already are."

Alvar was incensed, "I hate being a Grey Warden because I was forced into it!" he snapped at Sten, "I was not born into this; I was born a nobleman! That is what I am!" he raised his voice, "And it was not my betters who decided and made me a Grey Warden! Rather it was a lowlife scum who brought me down to his level! A rogue who forced me into his wretched order which in turn is filled with knaves of similar kind."

"And as for Violena, she was born with magic," said Alvar. "She was meant for life in Circle, away from society."

"But she did not choose to be born a mage, did she," Sten responded calmly. "She probably had as much choice in the matter as you did in being a Grey Warden."

Alvar calmed a little, he thought Sten did have a point. He simply turned his face away.

"You even advise her to accept her fate while you do the complete opposite," observed Sten. "Such hypocrisy, the corruption of the mind and heart is what I find sickening. This is what the Qun aspires to change, a mind and soul free of such corruption and vice is what the Qun promises."

"Silent beast!" growled Alvar, turning back to Sten, "I have studied about the Qun, I know what you offer! Do not think you can deceive me by sugar coating subjugation in the name of enlightenment. Your heathen ways of submission are the most barbaric in Thedas, mayhap surpassed only by the darkspawn."

Alvar advanced closer to Sten, "Listen here, you brute, I let you out because you are a formidable warrior. And do not think of it as a helplessness, for if I feel you are more trouble than your worth I will not hesitate a moment to severe your thick head from your shoulders. I might even relish doing so.

"I have freed you for your sword arm, not for your preachy tongue! So, keep that in mind and shut your mouth!"

Sten did not seem intimidated, "I have said what I wanted, it is up to you to take decisions." Saying that he left, walking towards his tent.

Alvar stood alone now, his mind was full of thoughts. He pondered on Sten's words especially about Violena. His words contained merit, thought Alvar even though he would never admit it to the Qunari. He had never thought how similar her situation is with his own.

Sure he was not a mage like her but being forced to consume darkspawn poison, which had destroyed any hope of his future, was similar to Violena being a mage. Violena was born a noble like him, the privileged life which he treasured so much was as much her birth right as was his. She was denied the luxury of her birth due to the magic she did not choose, she was shunned by her own family because of that. Alvar now started feeling disgust at her family, the same parents whom he praised for their decision, he now felt contempt. Alvar valued family above everything. Even though he still agreed that sending mage children to the Circle was the right decision, he still felt her family should have done more. Or at the very least, visited her often. He knew noble families who would often visit their children who were given to the Chantry.

Eventually, new fears also entered his mind. Alvar wondered if his friends would accept him after knowing what has happened to him. He wondered what would happen if his noble friends would get to know the darker secrets of the Grey Wardens. The Grey Wardens were not looked at in good light, especially by the nobility who saw them as an unnecessary drain on their coffers.

He wondered if Sancia would welcome him in her arms again, despite knowing that he can no longer fulfil the duties as a husband which he had vowed at the time of his marriage. He remembered again how he and Sancia had talked of having a family of their own, their dreams of a future together. He shuddered to think if what Flemeth said would actually happen. What if Sancia and her father should feel he was no longer worthy of her. He knew not what he would do if such events came to pass. He did not know if he could live if such a thing occurred.