Jessica's Point of View

For the following month, I went on missions with various members of the Organization, and even when I didn't, Roxas or Xion would take me to the Clock Tower every day. Axel still hadn't come back, and I had begun to worry, though Saix refused to tell me anything other than he was fine. Roxas and I were sitting on the Clock Tower one afternoon when we heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, Roxas! Jess!"

I got up and gave Axel a one-armed hug to avoid getting ice cream on him. "You're back! I missed you," I smiled.

"Axel... you're back," Roxas realized!

I sat back down, and Axel sat beside me, putting his arm around my shoulder. "Yup, I just got home. How are you guys holding up? Where's Xion?"

"She's not here yet. She's usually here by now," Roxas commented.

"Maybe she just got busy. That's really a shame. She would have wanted to be here," I sighed.

"This isn't like her..." Roxas muttered.

"I've missed you, Axel," I mentioned.

"Yeah? How much?" Axel wondered.

"A lot. I've been wanting to go on a mission with you ever since you left," I explained.

"You're doing missions, now?" Axel questioned.

"Since that vacation day. Xemnas lets me spend my day with anyone I want so long as I follow the rules. I haven't had an incident since then," I replied.

"Good for you. I'm glad that's all sorted out," Axel smiled.

"Xemnas still hasn't given back my ability to open dark corridors, though," I sighed. Or my necklace, but I didn't want anyone else to know of its existence.

I saw Xion in the hall the next morning. "Hey, where were you last night?" I wondered.

"I was... Excuse me," Xion replied. She walked past me to our rooms. I thought it was strange, so I followed her and waited outside her room. I figured she would come out at some point for her mission.

I waited all day before I gave up and met Roxas in the Grey Area, where he came to get me to go to the Clock Tower. We got ice cream and sat down, and Axel came shortly after. "Where's Xion?" Axel asked as he went to sit down.

"Haven't seen her today," Roxas answered.

"I did this morning. I don't know if she left without me noticing or what, but I saw her going back into her room, and I never saw her come out. I waited all day," I mentioned.

"Oh well," Axel mumbled.

"Hey..." Roxas started.

"What's up?" I wondered.

"Is there anything you couldn't bear to lose?" Roxas questioned.

"What? Where'd that come from?" Axel asked.

"Well, I met someone today who had something like that. This thing was so important to him, he couldn't bear to lose it... and Xaldin said that was his weakness. Why don't I have anything like that?" Roxas questioned.

"Because you don't have a heart," Axel replied.

"I guess... But Demyx doesn't have a heart, and I bet he'd get upset if you took his sitar away," Roxas brought up, grabbing for Axel's ice cream to emphasize his point. Axel was too fast and pulled his ice cream away from Roxas's reach as he chuckled.

"Hmm, true, but... I don't think that's quite the same. I guess the closest thing we Nobodys have got is our past. You know, memories of the stuff we couldn't bear to lose, back when we couldn't bear to lose it," Axel mused.

"Oh... too bad I don't remember my past," Roxas sighed.

"Even though you might not remember your past, I'm sure you have things you don't want to lose," Axel commented.

"Like what?" Roxas wondered.

"You've got memories since you joined us, right?" Axel offered.

"Yeah... I do, don't I? I couldn't bear to lose my memories of you guys or Xion," Roxas realized.

"So then you really do have something you couldn't bear to lose, right? Every one of us- including us Nobodies- we all have something that we want to hang on to," Axel pointed out.

"Do you have something you couldn't bear to lose, Jess?" Roxas wondered.

I thought about things I couldn't bear to lose. Memories of my childhood in the Land of Departure flashed by me. Thoughts of my time in Radiant Gardens came and went, and small moments I had forgotten about with my father, Zexion, and Uncle Lexaeus swirled before me.

"Jess? Jess!" Axel snapped me out of my thoughts. Drops of water fell into my lap. I touched my face to find tears. I saw that Axel and Roxas were looking at me in concern.

"I did, but then I lost them. And now I have to learn how to live without."

"I think it's time to go home," Axel decided.

I tensed. "I don't want to go home. What's even the point? No one is left that matters."

"Roxas, we'll meet you back at the castle. I think I need to talk to Jess alone," Axel said.

There was a moment of hesitation before Roxas left. I stared at the scene below, angry at the universe for taking away the things that mattered the most.

Axel scooted closer until he was right next to me. "Hey, Jess, look at me."

I kept staring blankly at the world below.

"Jessica, look at me. I just need you to look at me. Can you do that?" Axel pleaded. Since he asked nicely, I turned my head to look at Axel, whose green eyes were flooded with concern. "Okay, good. You're here, I'm here, we're here. Let's just pretend that nothing else matters for a minute, okay?" I focused on Axel and felt everything else melt away. He must have seen a change in my demeanor because he gave me a reassuring smile. "That's it. Just breathe. You're going to be okay. Just take it one moment at a time." Axel pulled me into a hug. "Whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on."

"I can't do it, Axel," I sobbed.

"Yes, you can. I know you can. If anyone can, it's you," Axel assured me.

"I want my Dad," I whimpered.

"I know. I know," Axel murmured, rubbing my back to soothe me.

I started to get a grip. "That must have been concerning for Roxas. I feel bad that he saw me like that," I mentioned.

"Don't worry about that. I'll talk to him. Can we get you back to the castle?" Axel requested.

"Yeah," I agreed.

Axel got up and held his hand out to me, which I took. His grip was extremely tight.

"Hey, you're kind of hurting me," I said.

Axel didn't loosen his grip until I was away from the edge. "Sorry. I wanted to make sure you wouldn't fall," Axel apologized. When he said that, I knew what he was really trying to avoid. He thought I might try to jump, and if he hadn't tried to help me through that feeling of overwhelming misery, I realized I might have.

"Axel, I need help," I gasped, backing as close to the clock tower as I could.

"I'm right here," Axel reassured me.

How high we were suddenly became dizzying as a single thought repeated over and over in my head. 'I could have tried to end everything.'

Axel took my hand and brought me back to The Castle That Never Was.

Later that night, I went to Xaldin's room and knocked on the door. He grumbled as I knew he would before opening the door. His face shifted into concern as he saw that I was the one waking him in the middle of the night. "Jessica? What are you doing here at this time of night? Are you hurt? You're supposed to be in bed."

"I-I'm not hurt. I'm just scared," I shuddered.

"Is it Xemnas?" Xaldin sighed.

I shook my head.

"It's not Xigbar, is it?" Xaldin questioned.

I shook my head again.

"Then what's frightening you?" Xaldin wondered.

"It's me," I stated.

"This is going to be a long conversation, isn't it," Xaldin groaned.

I nodded.

"Well, don't just stand there. Come in and talk to me about it. It must be important if you had to wake me up to tell me," Xaldin huffed, stepping to the side to allow me in.

"I'm sorry," I whimpered.

Xaldin gestured for me to sit on a stool, and he sat on his bed. "Don't apologize. Just spit it out so we can get this over with."

"I wasn't sure who to go to, and since you... you had said once that you hoped to take care of me after Kingdom Hearts is complete, I guess I just thought that-" I began while taking a seat.

"Jessica, I have little patience for beating around the bush when I'm fully awake, but right now, I'm tired and want to go back to bed. Get to the point," Xaldin huffed.

"I'm sorry. I'm nervous. It's my first time admitting it out loud," I mumbled, running my fingers through my hair. Xaldin continued to stare expectantly, so I took a deep breath and got out what I had to say. "I think there's something wrong with me."

"Truly? You could have fooled me," Xaldin remarked sarcastically.

"Yeah... I guess you knew, didn't you? That there are times when I'm not thinking clearly? To a really dangerous point," I realized.

Xaldin crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows. "And how did you come to this conclusion?"

"I guess it happened when I started freaking out today. Axel was there, and he calmed me down, but he was really cautious with me after that. That was when I realized he had every reason to be wary of what I would do because I was entirely unpredictable and could have harmed myself for no reason if my episode had gone on much longer," I explained.

"Go on," Xaldin urged.

"I scared myself today. I need help." I wiped a few stray tears from my eyes. Xaldin was as unmoved as ever, but at least he was listening. "That's what you all have been trying to tell me, isn't it? That I've been a danger to myself. I can't trust myself because I'm in so much pain. I lost the people that mattered most. People that I couldn't bear to lose."

"I see. You had been talking to Roxas," Xaldin gathered.

I nodded. "That's what took me to a dark place. A place where nothing matters, but the truth is, things do matter. If they didn't matter, I would have been content in that dungeon. But sometimes, in the moment, when I think about my dad or Zexion... lines get blurred. Xaldin, what do I do? How do I do anything if I can't trust myself?"

"You can't control anyone but yourself and how you respond to things. Now that you understand what you're struggling with, you have to remind yourself constantly not to allow your grief to pull you down that low anymore," Xaldin advised.

"But what if I'm already there?" I asked.

"You said Axel calmed you down? How?" Xaldin questioned.

I shrugged. "I don't know. He said stuff and made me look at him."

"Ask him about it. If he could pull you back to reality, I strongly suspect he was doing something a little more specific than, as you put it, saying stuff and making you look at him. It may give you a clue as to how to overcome this," Xaldin suggested.

"Yeah. I'll try that," I said.

"Is there anything else you need to say?" Xaldin inquired.

"No. That was it," I replied.

"Then get out of my room and go to bed," Xaldin ordered. I stood up and turned to the door. "Wait." I turned back to Xaldin. "Lord Xemnas has been greatly concerned, as he should be. You realize that if you don't tell him yourself, I'll need to report this development to him, yes?"

"You tell him if you want. I'm not going to talk to him about this if I can help it," I grumbled.

"I'm sure he would love to hear it from you, but I'll tell him," Xaldin sighed.

I almost headed out the door, but then a frightening thought filled my mind. "Xaldin, you've studied psychology in your free time, right?" I began.

"Yes. Why do you ask?" Xaldin wondered.

"Do you know if I'm... mentally ill? This isn't normal, is it?" I shuddered.

Xaldin got up from his bed and hugged me. "You've been through a great deal of trauma. I promise that for what the circumstances are, what you're going through is a common enough occurrence, though everyone grieves in different ways. I never want you worrying about what's normal and what isn't. No one else can know what you're going through. Now, go to bed. Tomorrow's a new day with its own problems."

"I wish that-" I stopped myself before I was lost in my thoughts again. "No. They're not here, so I'll get through this with the help of the people that are here," I reminded myself.

Xaldin pulled away, though he kept his hands on my shoulders. "Good. Focus on what you do have instead of what you don't." Xaldin moved his hand to brush my cheek. "I'm going to tell you my secret. You must never tell this to anyone."

"What is it?" I asked curiously.

"My greatest weakness. There is something that I couldn't bear to lose..." Xaldin trailed off there.

I was on the edge of my seat as I waited patiently for him to continue. He paused for so long, the suspense was overwhelming. I couldn't hold down my curiosity any longer. "Are you- are you going to tell me what that is?"

"It's you. I can't bear to lose you. You're my greatest weakness," Xaldin answered.

"I don't understand. You don't hate me after what I did?" I questioned.

"If you really thought I hated you, you wouldn't have come to me about this. It's true that I've been hard on you recently, but I've needed to be. You said so yourself that you're unpredictable at times."

"I understand," I sighed. "Good night, Xaldin."

"Good night, Jessica."