Elizabeth slipped from the house in the early hours of the morning. The day was bitingly crisp. The frost lay thick upon the ground and crunched satisfyingly under her booted feet.
She thrust her hands deeper into her pockets and took a deep breath. The cold seared her lungs, and as she exhaled her breath plumed in front of her, momentarily blocking her view. A hand slipped around her elbow, and so linked, Elizabeth set off across the garden heading for the familiar paths to Oakham Mount.
Kitty had asked Elizabeth for another trip up to Oakham Mount to observe another sunrise to fix the landmarks and colours more firmly. Elizabeth had readily agreed to the scheme, feeling all the confines of her walks about Longbourn's park she had taken recently when no companion could be had for a more extended venture. The evening at Lucas Lodge had not ended so late that the early start this morning would overly tire her. Happily she breathed deeply in the crisp air and let her feet guide her.
Kitty was quiet as they made their way, leaving Elizabeth to stew in her thoughts. Confusion reigned. She had never felt less sure-footed since her first entry into society, and she had not the smallest idea of how she might sort her feelings out.
Vexing, vexing man. Why should he have this power over her? She had been living her life happily, waiting for a man she could esteem to come along and admire her equally. They would court, fall in love, and marry. It was simple. It was precisely what had happened to Jane, and Elizabeth couldn't fathom for the life of her how her tale had ended up so muddled.
She could lament the wantonness of her family on occasion. She could refuse to acknowledge that the man was hardly the same man from the first evening of their acquaintance. She had spent time with him on several social occasions, and it was laughably evident that Mr Darcy took time to warm up to new people and surroundings. Once Miss Bingley had left the area, Mr Darcy very nearly became a different person. He was much more engaged when in company. Then there was his sister, who brought out a protective streak in Mr Darcy, that she may have to admit made her insides flutter just a little. She'd never had a brother to protect her. Papa would not bestir himself for the small matters of comfort that Mr Darcy did for his sister. To have that sort of dedication and care aimed at herself. Elizabeth sighed, it would be, she thought, quite something.
"Lizzy," Kitty spoke up from her side, jolting her from her thoughts. "Are you quite well?"
They were almost at the top of Oakham Mount although Elizabeth was quite sure she could not remember any of the walk.
"Yes, Kitty, I am. I am just turning things over in my mind."
"About Mr Darcy?"
"Yes."
"Lizzy, do you think I shall find a husband?
Elizabeth started in surprise. "Kitty, of course. Why ever should you think otherwise?"
They crested the hilltop and Kitty led the way to the rock, settling on it before she spoke. "Jane has Mr Bingley. Mr Darcy is obviously in love with you." On seeing Elizabeth's doubtful look, she sighed heavily. "That is my point."
Elizabeth settled next to Kitty. "What is your point?"
"You do not see that he is very much in love with you, or if not yet in love with you has shown a marked preference for you above any other. So really he is very probably on the way to loving you. Even Georgiana agrees that he is. You are either being wilfully blind about it, or you do not want him to be and are trying to discourage him. But in either case, if you are unaware of how much he does feel, how should I ever know if a gentleman feels similar for me?" Kitty paused. "I feel invisible sometimes. You and Jane can draw attention naturally, Lydia can command it. Mary does not care for it, so she does not see how even she gets noticed. Me? I am just the fifth Bennet sister, and I'm not even the youngest."
Elizabeth wrapped an arm around Kitty's shoulder encouraging her closer. "I see you. I might not have always done so in the way in which you mean, but you have always been my sister. You have always been Kitty, never just the fifth Bennet sister. As for finding a husband? Need I remind you that Jane is twenty-three? She is incandescently happy with Mr Bingley, yes, but he didn't appear out of thin air. As for myself I am some three years your elder, and in those years I have spent in society, I have never had a serious suitor, nor have I found a gentleman that I have felt any danger of falling in love with. You are full young yet to be worrying about husbands and marriage, Kitty. Those debutants who form an engagement in their first season are not as common as is made out. Do you not wish to have a season in London with our Aunt and Uncle? Experience what they can show you. The society in London is very different to Meryton. Aunt and Uncle know a great many people."
"I have not been invited."
"You merely need to ask, Kitty. Aunt and Uncle would gladly receive you. Perhaps when they visit for Christmas, you and Mary could ask to be allowed to visit before Jane travels for her trousseau. There would be some entertainments that you could attend which would allow you both to meet eligible young men if that is what you wish."
"You would not mind staying here?"
"Not at all, I should be glad to spend time with Jane and we are not so friendless I should want for company."
Kitty pulled out her sketchbook and charcoal. "I think I should like to visit with Mary if Aunt and Uncle are agreeable. But what of Mr Darcy, Lizzy?"
Elizabeth released Kitty bringing her gloved hands to rest in her lap, winding her fingers together. "As for Mr Darcy, yes, I confess that he in many ways is everything that could be asked of a gentleman."
"Then why?" Kitty asked. "Why do you not allow yourself to like him?"
"I do like him," Elizabeth protested. "I like him a great deal, but I am not sure."
"About what?" Kitty asked.
"He once told me that his good opinion once lost is lost forever." Elizabeth rose from her seat and stepped towards the edge of the ledge. She lifted her face as she saw the sun begin to peek over the horizon taking her back to that conversation she had had with Mr Darcy which had started a confusing change in the man, their interactions, and her understanding. "I see our parents' marriage Kitty, the inequality between Mama and Papa. The loss of Papa's good opinion has left Mama to become who she is. Had Papa taught her the things he was interested in, spent time allaying her fears over the entail, and made any sort of plan for her future after him. She would not be as she is. I do not doubt that her love of gossip and company would change overly much, but her behaviour in company is not that of a lady of her station and yet Papa has never checked her. Never indicated he wished for her behaviour to be better." Elizabeth turned to Kitty her hands gesturing to emphasise her point. "Mr Darcy moves in society circles that are far above our own. What if I should make a mistake? Disgrace him in some way through my ignorance? I would be tied to a man who would never esteem me again. Could never forgive my error. I cannot do as Mama does Kitty. I am not sure of Mr Darcy, he has made no professions of love or even of preference, - which I do not expect," she hurried to add. "But I fear the future with him." Elizabeth turned away from Kitty a helpless smile on her face. "I do like him. He is everything I could want in a husband." Elizabeth turned back to her sister again and watched Kitty as she pursed her lips in thought.
"I had not thought it was so complicated. I thought that he was falling in love with you, and you did not yet realise that you loved him. I do not think I have ever known you to be afraid, Lizzy. Is it not enough that he loves you?"
"How are you so sure?" Elizabeth asked. "How can you know what is in his heart? His family's expectations will be set higher than our family. His uncle is an Earl. His wealth and position in society allow him to choose from women more handsome than I, with dowries that we could never dream of."
"But he if he loves you. What shall you do then?"
Elizabeth sat back next to her sister. "I suppose if he loves me, and if he makes those declarations to me, then I should have to consider carefully what my answer should be. I confess that I could love him. Perhaps too easily, but I have not given him my heart yet and I shall not do so until I am sure."
"Georgiana says his attention is too marked to be anything else," Kitty said firmly. "Do you suppose she does not know her brother?"
"Would he share with his sister such details?"
"Yes," Kitty said decidedly. "They are a small family, their relationship with the Earl and Lady Matlock is not so close as you are imagining. If Mr Darcy chose to marry someone outside their circle," Kitty said with meaning look at Elizabeth. "They could at worse caution him in private but would publicly support any wife."
"You have discussed this at length?" Elizabeth asked somewhat amused.
"Not at length, but you cannot say that Mr Darcy's attentions are not directed towards you when we meet in company." Kitty continued overriding Elizabeth who had begun to speak. "He is not like this with any other lady of his acquaintance. Georgiana says plainly that he does not have friendships with women."
"Perhaps you are right, perhaps, but it makes no difference Kitty. He has made no declaration to me."
"What if he is unsure of you?" Kitty supposed. "What if he sees no encouragement in you and so is unwilling to risk rejection?"
"I do not doubt that his pride would lend him towards disinclination of thinking any lady should reject him. Miss Bingley was a fine example of how far some are willing to go to bring themselves to his notice." Elizabeth sighed. "If Mr Darcy esteems me then it is Mr Darcy who must speak to me. I cannot fathom it. I shall do no more or less than I have done so far. We get on tolerably well, I enjoy his company and dare say he enjoys mine. Anything further must come from him. You must not encourage Georgiana, Kitty. If Mr Darcy simply wishes for some convivial company while Mr Bingley learns his way in estate management, it would make things very awkward for all parties."
Kitty nodded. "I should like to sketch now. You can move about as you please."
Mary took Snapdragon out, she had heard Kitty and Lizzy on their way out as they passed by her door and had decided that after the evening at Lucas Lodge, fresh air might do her some good. At least give her something else to think about.
She gave the horse his head after they came through the wood and he bent eagerly to crop at the winter grass. Their evening at Lucas Lodge had put more than one thing in perspective for her, but she was just as unsure as she had been. Better informed perhaps but still unsure.
Mr Horace had been a kindly soul, he had made her feel welcome and seemingly understood that she had been shy. He had started a conversation with the Reverend Rufford who was happy to lead Mary into contributing. She suspected that the Reverend was rather more informed of events than she, yet he had given no hint of disapproval. Indeed, once he noticed that Mary was feeling more confident in her footing with her new companion, he had drawn John Lucas into a conversation so that she and Mr Horace might speak a little more privately.
It was then that Mr Horace told her that he was aware of John's regard of her going back three years to her come out. He had intimated that John's plans were on a firmer footing than John had indicated to her during their conversation. Though she had been curious she had refrained from asking for further details, assuming that the business lay between the two men.
Did she love John Lucas? If she did not, could she learn to love him? He had always been honourable and caring. He had always treated her with kindness. He had been the second dance at her come out after her father. He had approached her as soon as she had left the dance floor on Papa's arm, she had not the time to wonder if she would dance again before he had been in front of her offering her a proper bow and requesting her next. She had been so relieved and had felt safe with him. He had made sure she had danced with other gentlemen of the neighbourhood that she knew and when she had sat out having found the dance more tiring than expected he had brought her punch and spoken with her. He had made that evening quite memorable for her.
Truly perhaps she did love him but had never thought of it with the view to building a life with him. She had spoken truthfully when she had said that she had not considered marriage. With neither Jane nor Lizzy married or even courting she had thought that she had time. Though it pained her, she could see that her behaviour had not been warm or welcoming while she had studied her sermons. It was to her benefit perhaps that during that time she had seen less of John so he would know less of her folly. Though with her family so close to that of his own she was sure that her mother had bemoaned her behaviour to Lady Lucas.
She glanced up at the sky noting how the day was getting away with her. Gathering up the rein she turned Snapdragon for home. Her ride had not been long but it had given her plenty to think about.
As she returned to the stable yard, she spied Mr Bennett leaning on the wall of Snapdragon's stall.
"I am sorry Papa, I did not know you wished to go out. I did not mean to return so late," she apologised as she dismounted and handed the horse to the stable lad. "I have not ridden him hard; I should say he's had more grass than exercise this morn."
"Do not distress yourself my dear, I only need to visit your uncle. You suffered no calamity on your ride?"
"No, I desired some fresh air, but my thoughts overtook me, we stopped in the meadow on the other side of the wood. Papa." Mary stopped unsure of how to word her question.
"Yes, my child?"
"Did John Lucas speak to you that day he came to call with Charlotte?"
"He did."
"Was it," Mary swallowed heavily afraid of the answer. "Was it about me?"
Mr Bennet took her hands in his. "It was. At the time he said that he had not spoken to you of his thoughts. Am I to take that this has changed?"
"No, he has not directly addressed me. But I spent most of the evening at Lucas Lodge in conversation with Mr Horace and he told me that John has liked me for three years and that his plans of which we have spoken broadly are also to include me as his, wife."
"John has asked my permission to pursue you. I have granted it. Mary, my dear, John Lucas is a man who I would have no fear of allowing you to leave your home for. His plans are sound, and he has a good head on his shoulders. He has cared if not loved you since your mother brought you out, but if you cannot love him, if you do not wish to marry him then you should have no fear that anyone would hear of his disappointment. But he would be disappointed."
"I do not know if I do love him."
"You do not need to know now my dear. Let him court you if you wish it. If you wish to have a formal courtship and do as Jane is doing, in keeping it from your mother, I shall agree to it as I have for Jane. Do not fear that you shall ever need to give him an answer unless you are sure. He would not wish it and I shall not allow it." Mr Bennet bent forward and kissed her lightly on the forehead. "Now I shall be off. I shall break my fast with your Uncle and Aunt Phillips if your mother enquires of me."
Mary stood waiting until Mr Bennet was mounted and trotting Snapdragon out of the yard before returning to the house. She slipped up the stairs to change before descending once more and joining her family in the morning parlour.
If she thought that she would have time to muse further on her own she was sadly mistaken. Jane ever patiently waited until she had finished her plate, but Kitty was fairly vibrating in her chair and Lizzy's expression when she caught it, was painted with curiosity.
As she rose her sisters did also and Jane took her arm leading her to the still room.
"Now Mary, we do not wish to worry you unduly but we would like very much to know how your evening went at Lucas Lodge."
"As each of you was present, I am not sure what information you desire from me that you did not witness," Mary answered shyly.
"Now that is a very good answer," Elizabeth said. "But it shall not do. Come, Mary, who was the gentleman you were conversing with."
"John Lucas? Or Reverend Rufford?" Mary teased. "I should say you know both of those gentlemen just as well as I."
Lizzy threw a twig of dried rosemary at Mary. "You know quite well that was not to whom I was referring."
Mary smiled. "It was Mr Horace, he owns Claret House."
"Oh yes, I have not met him, but I know he and John manage their lands together."
"How do you know that?" Mary asked curiously.
"One of the smaller lanes I walk cuts down alongside the boundary of his eastern most field. The same hands work it as on the Lucas's land."
"Yes, there is an understanding as Mr Horace is advancing in his age that John will manage both parcels which also allows them to make economies in other ways."
"But why did John ask you to meet Mr Horace in particular?" Kitty asked.
Mary began to twist her fingers only to stop as Jane laid a hand on top of hers. "You need not tell us anything if you do not wish it. You shall have our support either way."
"I should like to, I think. I confess I am not certain, and I have never done this before. I cannot help but fear that I shall misstep somehow."
Jane nodded encouragingly, so Mary took a breath.
"John has intimated to me that he is looking for a wife. And, and that he wishes it to be me." At the looks on Elizabeth and Kitty's faces, she hurried on before one or both could interrupt. "He has not proposed. Nor has he asked for a courtship. I have spoken to Papa, and he confirmed this morning that John has asked permission to pursue me and Papa has given it."
"Mary!" Kitty squealed as she stepped over to Mary and threw her arms around her sister. "That is the most exciting news. Shall you accept him?"
Elizabeth came over to join in the hug. "If you do when he asks, you shall have chosen the best man of my acquaintance. I should like to know of these plans if you feel you can share them."
Mary felt her smile grow at her sister's immediate acceptance of the idea. "I do not know I am free to share what I have been told so I shall not for now."
"Very well," Elizabeth smiled. "Then I shall not enquire. But shall you be happy so close to Longbourn? Especially as I do not feel that Lady Lucas shall be any more gracious than Mama about being usurped."
Mary nodded. "On that matter, John has made his plan clear, and it does not involve requiring his wife to live with Lady Lucas. As you say she would no more enjoy sharing her home than Mama. As for remaining in proximity to Longbourn, I shall not repine, I am not so beloved by Mama that I fear too many visits, not with Jane soon to be installed at Netherfield. On this, Papa has agreed that should it come to the point, he will agree to a courtship between us and as he has for Jane, keep it from Mama. I fear that Mama will not wish for me to marry him."
"Why ever not?" Kitty demanded. "If he loves you, and Papa is satisfied."
"Mama has always desired rich husbands for us. Even I. Should I choose John, we shall not be rich, even with the plans I know of, it shall not be the same income as Longbourn brings. We shall live comfortably but it is not the fortunes of Mr Bingley or Mr Darcy. She may wish for me to do better."
Elizabeth shook her head. "None of us have the dowry to attract the very wealthy or titled despite what Mama thinks. If you love him or can grow to love him in the way a wife should love her husband and he can love you in the same manner, then a comfortable income is enough."