Forgiveness. Some say it should come easy. But when you've done and said the things my soulmate has, it was definitely not an easy thing.
I'm not talking about seeking forgiveness from others. I'm speaking of allowing yourself forgiveness. Whether it's from others or from yourself.
My soulmate squeezes my shoulder. She knows of the adventure I speak of. Xena is through with seeking forgiveness, but at that point in time, she never felt she was worthy of it.
I, on the other hand, had sought forgiveness for many reasons. And from many people. None more so than my soulmate. Yet, she had forgiven me. Of the sins she knew of.
Can an urn truly grant one forgiveness? Xena scoffs at the thought to this day. My soulmate has never been one to seek the gods for anything. And the Urn of Apollo would have meant being beholden to one of the gods.
With all this talk of forgiveness, there was another thing I learned from the adventure. It was just how annoying Xena was as a youth. My soulmate nudges me as I wrote the last sentence.
It's a time that brought Tara into our lives. I had to learn from her as much as she had to learn from me. I miss her now, but then…
A kiss on the temple. Xena knows I needed the emotional display, even though we are in her mother's inn. Public displays are not my soulmate's way.
Too many have been lost over the years. All because Ares did what he thought was right. So many years frozen. But at least we are together. At least we know forgiveness of one another. Even for things that can never truly be forgiven.
FORGIVEN
Gabrielle more than understood. While she had the support of her soulmate, it didn't mean the bard could forgive herself of the things she had done.
After all, Xena didn't know of her biggest sin. And hopefully her soulmate never would. Gabrielle shuddered at the thought of her warrior princess discovering the truth.
The bard was left to herself momentarily while she waited for her soulmate to return with Argo. It gave Gabrielle the time to finish the scroll she had been working on.
That was when something hit her. Gabrielle eyed the young woman before asking if she had thrown it. The young woman admitted it readily. What was the problem? The bard's face? Then don't look.
That was when more projectile food was sent Gabrielle's way. She was a wimp because she used her words? The bard didn't care what the strange young woman thought.
When one is attacked, one has no choice but to fight back. And for her trouble, Gabrielle had her ear nearly bit off. Thankfully Xena arrived right at that moment.
Though loathe to seek out violence, Gabrielle would understand if her soulmate would want to pummel the young woman. If not, hold her while the bard was allowed to pummel her especially since the young woman was attempting to take Gabrielle's place.
There would be no changes. Gabrielle was Xena's partner. In more ways than the young woman could ever begin to grasp.
Tara then offered knowledge. Gabrielle was definitely not surprised when Xena already knew who had stolen the urn. The young woman then offered the knowledge that she had gone with a couple members of gang and knew their hideout. It was not a surprise to the bard.
There was a part of Gabrielle that wanted to help Tara, if only she could trust her not to attempt to beat her up. After all, Xena had been given a chance. And she continued to make the most of it.
After a while of being stalked, Gabrielle had to ask Xena to use her chakram. Only to scare off the young woman who wouldn't take no for an answer.
Gabrielle couldn't believe her ears when Xena said that Tara was going to join them just to show them where the hideout was. The bard was far from happy. In fact, she and her soulmate needed a moment to talk.
After prying a little, Gabrielle finally discovered the truth. Tara reminded Xena of herself in her youth. The bard couldn't help it. She had to say she knew her soulmate had been evil but obnoxious too.
In all seriousness, Gabrielle understood, to an extent, what Xena was saying. Perhaps if she had had someone to watch out for her and give her the guidance she needed, she would have been ready for what lay ahead. Could they do the same for Tara? It wouldn't hurt to try. Especially since her soulmate guaranteed that she would intervene if Tara became abusive once again.
Nine was nothing. Gabrielle knew that Xena could probably take them on herself. But her soulmate was right. In an all-out fight, the urn could be broken. It was too fragile to attempt it.
The pinch was not something to be played with. Gabrielle wondered what Tara was really about. Youth only explained so much.
As it turned out, Tara snuck away to 'assist' Xena. It was causing Gabrielle to be even more annoyed at the young woman. And the fact Xena was allowing her to get away with it only frustrated the bard.
But then Xena explained to Gabrielle how she was truly trying to do what the bard would do. It caused Gabrielle to rethink how she was thinking of Tara.
Still, it was difficult when Tara had attempted to bite off her ear. But Gabrielle would do it for her soulmate. And she would offer some advice. It was Xena believing in her in the first place that had the bard believing in herself. Perhaps it would work with their new tentative friend.
The annoyance continued as the unlikely trio settled for the night. Tara placed the bard's staff in the fire. Then there were the sleeping arrangements. Gabrielle always slept next to her wife.
Gabrielle couldn't help remembering how early in their travels how they had slept on opposite sides of the fire. How Xena didn't want any kind of touching. Now, there were times when they couldn't get enough of touching.
Another fight nearly broke out, but Gabrielle took the higher road. It wasn't worth it. Not when she knew that Xena would have preferred sleeping next to her soulmate. Besides, it was too late to argue. What everyone needed was a good night's sleep. If Tara would only allow for it.
Next morning found them on a hillside looking down on the gang that was about to meet with the ones who wanted to buy the urn. Gabrielle was left alone with Tara while Xena roughed up the men to slow them down.
Attempting to be friendly with Tara was frustrating for the bard. No matter what Gabrielle did or said the young woman took it the wrong way.
There was also the fact that Tara thought that Xena thought that Gabrielle was perfect. That couldn't be farther from the truth. In fact, her soulmate loved her despite all her faults. It was what friends do.
Every time that Gabrielle thought Tara couldn't be more frustrating, she did something new. This was attempting to go after the gang, even though Xena told them both to remain where they were. And quiet would be nice as well.
The struggle became so loud that the pair drew the attention of the gang members. If it weren't for Xena arriving just in the nick of time, Gabrielle and Tara would have been seriously hurt. If not worse.
Gabrielle could tell by Xena's tone that her warrior princess was not happy. The bard couldn't blame her. Tara wouldn't listen and Gabrielle was attempting to the right thing.
In fact, Gabrielle had had enough. She needed Xena to have another chat with Tara. There was no way the bard could continue to work the way things were going.
The chat had an effect on Tara. It had her blaming Gabrielle for Xena hating her. It was delusional way of thinking. A way that would lead to only one thing.
Another fight ensued. This time Gabrielle didn't hold back. Not until Tara could barely even stand. Not until Tara had fallen into Xena's arms claiming she was bad.
It was an eye-opening experience for Gabrielle. Added to the revelation about Tara's mother and father, it had the bard realizing just what their new friend was like and what she was looking for.
Gabrielle knew that it was more up Xena's alley to realize exactly how joining a gang was a way of fitting in. Though if the bard were honest with herself, she left home because she was different and wanted to find a place she was accepted for who she was.
The bard realized something. It was Xena who left Gabrielle and Tara together. It had led to some tough love by the bard. Just what their new young friend needed.
It was time for a little fun while they waited until it was time to retrieve the urn. Gabrielle came up with a new game. It wasn't her fault that Xena and Tara didn't know contemporary plays. However, the youngster understood. It was awesome how she did birth of Athena. Even in the end she tells Gabrielle she likes the game she made up.
The fun didn't last. As with all the adventures that Gabrielle and her soulmate undertook. Luckily, they made time for fun. Though it was never easy.
The horses belonged to the traders that wanted the urn. It meant things were progressing to a point where they needed to intervene.
Did Gabrielle believe that the urn had the power or was it the mind that granted one forgiveness. Perhaps it was both. Or perhaps it was just an old piece of pottery.
Like Gabrielle would seek forgiveness? If only Tara or Xena knew the depths of the sins that the bard had committed. One that would haunt her if only because she had given up her only child.
The trio made their way to where the guards were watching over. It meant they were there for a reason. And that reason was the urn.
There was nothing. At least that's what Tara informed Gabrielle of. That was not the case as the young woman snatched the urn and ran.
A fight ensues when Tara reverses her ways. She wants to take the urn back to the temple. But Micha has different plans for the young woman.
The urn flies from one person to another, luckily never hitting the ground. This all while the fight continues all for an urn that may or may not grant forgiveness.
Gabrielle confirmed what Tara said. Yes, finally the young woman had taken the first step. She had done good in saving the urn and letting Micha know exactly what she thought of him.
The journey back to the temple is quieter than the journey away from the temple. Gabrielle knows it's because Tara has a great deal to think about. And so does her soulmate, not that Xena would ever admit to it.
As Gabrielle and Tara kneel, the young woman asks the bard what Xena is doing. Gabrielle knows. There may never be a time when her soulmate is willing to forgive herself for her past evil deeds.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Xena inwardly sighed as she heard him speak of the healing powers of the urn of Apollo. No object nor god can offered that kind of forgiveness. It can only come from within. And when the person was ready to forgive themselves.
Of course her soulmate would understand. Xena knew that Gabrielle was in need of forgiveness. Even though the warrior princess had forgiven her bard.
Even without Gabrielle being so understanding, Xena would have agreed to retrieve the urn. It wasn't up to her to decide who was granted forgiveness. So she decided to retrieve Argo before they set off after whoever had stolen the urn.
What Xena returned to she couldn't believe. Some young punk was beating up on her soulmate. Gabrielle even had a chunk of ear bitten off before the warrior princess could intervene.
Xena could understand Gabrielle wanted her to beat up the young woman. That wasn't going to happen. A talk was in order. There was no replacing her soulmate. No matter who it was.
Though the young woman might mean well, she wasn't needed. Xena already knew who had stolen the urn. It wouldn't take much to track them. It was, after all, what the warrior princess was good at.
As they traveled, Tara followed maintaining her distance. It was irritating Gabrielle, not that Xena could blame her. It wasn't often the bard allowed herself to be beaten. And it was a sore ear that she sported.
Tara was desperate. Xena didn't quite understand why she was so desperate to help out. That returning the urn was the thing that could start her on her path to good.
But then, what had it taken for Xena to begin her path to good? It had been a simple act in the warrior princess' mind. And it had led her to her soulmate.
Speaking of Gabrielle, Tara had not started out in the best way with the bard. Xena needed the two to get along so that it would make retrieving the urn as easy as possible.
Why was Xena allowing Tara to come with them? Gabrielle had made good points in that they could follow the tracks as usual.
Because in some ways Tara reminded her of herself. Young and obnoxious. But needing some guidance. Xena had run with a rough crowd and if she'd only had some guidance, perhaps she would have been better prepared for what had happened.
The deal was struck. Xena would make certain that if Tara gave Gabrielle anymore gruff, the warrior princess would make certain to straighten the young woman out.
Xena understood Tara's enthusiasm but the urn was far too fragile to withstand an all-out fight. This called for a one on one with one of the gang. Yes, the warrior princess would use the pinch. And no the young woman couldn't come with her to witness it.
Of course Tara didn't listen. Xena was becoming frustrated with the young woman. Not as frustrated as Gabrielle. But it was mounting.
At first it appeared that Tara had decided to betray Xena. But then she led the young man to where the warrior princess could do her thing. Still, the young woman attempted to get in her way.
At least they had the where the urn was and who it was going to be sold to. Xena had suspected it was something like that.
Tara once again was saying the wrong thing. It had Gabrielle upset. It was something that Xena didn't need to worry about.
Xena was treading water she wasn't accustomed to. While she had many skills, turning someone away from their darkness was more of a bard thing to do. In fact, it was one of her soulmate's many skills.
The warrior princess listened intently to what her soulmate had to say. Gabrielle had been a confused kid at one time and what had brought her to the self-confident young woman she was now was mere words of Xena's belief in her.
While she could push, Xena accepted that Gabrielle was attempting to cross bridges with Tara. It wasn't easy for her. the warrior princess could sense the continued tension among them.
As Xena attempted to settle for some much-needed sleep, Tara would not leave her alone. One was how did she really know what was good? Going with her gut was one thing. And if not, Xena always trusted in her soulmate to do the right thing, or at least her first instincts as they would be unselfish, to the disbelief of the young woman.
Born bad? Xena often wondered that about herself. But then if she could change continuously then anyone, including a young punk that only thought she was bad could.
Morning came and they found the gang's camp. Unfortunately, if they made a move now it could be dicey. It was time for Xena to go and rough up on the buyers some. It would cause enough of a delay so they could find the urn. Hopefully.
It was lucky Xena hadn't been gone longer than she had been. If so, both Tara and her soulmate would be killed. The explanation had best be a good one.
It wasn't a good one. It was the same thing. Tara refused to listen and Gabrielle attempted to do the right thing. And the bard attempted to save the young woman's life.
Xena would have to ride ahead and attempt to find their tracks again. Before she did that, Tara needed a talking to. The warrior princess could feel the frustration and hate resonating from her soulmate. It was unusual to say the least.
It was harsh, but Xena couldn't help it. Tara was actually behaving like a selfish brat. On numerous occasions, the young woman had harmed Gabrielle or nearly gotten them both killed.
It wasn't a long time that Xena was gone. But it was enough for Gabrielle to show some tough love to Tara. Love that the young woman failed to seem to get she deserved it.
Xena could definitely relate to Tara's wanting to belong somewhere. Perhaps if she had had friends that accepted her or her brother not dying…And the bad deeds the young woman was going on about the warrior princess could bury her in them.
Had Xena left them alone on purpose? Perhaps. The tracks did need finding but she also had faith in her soulmate to do or say the right thing so that Tara could finally see what was right in front of her.
Nightfall found them playing a new game that Gabrielle had invented. There was no way from the clues that her soulmate was giving that either Xena or Tara could discover it. The game was stupid. Even with young woman giving a somewhat easier clue that Gabrielle was able to decipher right away.
Bedtime. It was definitely needed. Once again Tara said something useful. And she actually said something positive toward Gabrielle. It was a good sign to the warrior princess.
Morning came. It was time to retrieve the urn. Xena snuck inside and opened the door for Gabrielle and Tara. The bargaining was continuing. The urn wasn't there.
Finding two guards informed Xena of the most likely place to keep the urn. It was easy to dispatch them and to begin searching for the urn.
After the previous night and Tara sneaking off, Xena was not surprised when the young woman took the urn and ran. Sadly, it might just mean they couldn't save everyone.
But in this case, they had possibly saved Tara as she was attempting to convince Micha that they should return the urn. Once Micha had said about killing the young woman, it was time to intervene.
A big fight ensues. The urn gets tossed from Xena, Tara, Gabrielle and back to Xena. It's not easy, not even for the warrior princess, to fight under these conditions. But they win the fight and save the urn.
And save Tara in the process. Xena couldn't help smirking when she and Gabrielle were called suckers. Perhaps they were. Or perhaps they just knew when someone was worthy of forgiveness.
Xena watched from the doorway as both her soulmate and Tara were forgiven their sins. Why didn't she join them? That was easy. She wasn't ready to forgive herself nor believe that she deserved that kind of forgiveness.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Tara remained in the village. It left bard and warrior princess alone. Gabrielle was watching her soulmate carefully. After the way Xena had walked off after the bard and the young woman had granted forgiveness had the bard worried.
"Xena?" Gabrielle was laying on her side. She was next to her soulmate as she would be every single night. She hoped for an eternity and more to come.
"Yes, Gabrielle?" Xena could sense what was coming. There was nothing she could do but be honest with her soulmate. Especially after what had happened in Chin.
"I think I know the question." Xena rolled over so that she was looking Gabrielle in the eyes. She reached out and brushed a strand of hair from her soulmate's eyes.
"Why won't you allow for yourself to be forgiven." Gabrielle reached out and grasp the hand that had been so close to her face only a moment before. "You've forgiven me of my transgressions. And I've forgiven you for yours. But why…"
"Why not forgive myself?" Xena squeezed the hand holding her own. "There are some things that one cannot forgive themselves for. There are some things that are unforgiveable. You love me and don't see what I've done."
Gabrielle squeezed the hand in hers in return. She drew it up to her lips and gently kissed it. "I think I understand. But why are you fighting for the greater good? Aren't you attempting to fight for forgiveness?"
Azure eyes closed. It was at the sensation of her soulmate's lips as much as the questions. How to answer was the question.
Xena knew there was a way of distracting Gabrielle. As pleasurable as that would be, there was no way she would do that to her soulmate. Perhaps after they had finished their conversation…
"Gabrielle, I don't know what to say." Xena was honest. "I can't ask forgiveness for razing entire villages to the ground. For the amount of blood on my hands."
The warrior princess took a deep breath. "Women and children died because of me. It was only once, that I know of, but it's enough."
A solitary tear escaped from an azure eye. Gabrielle didn't hesitate. She gently wiped the tear away. "One day you'll allow for complete forgiveness. One day you'll forgive yourself. Just know until then, you've received forgiveness from me."
The pair embraced. It was a long night without words. It was a night where merely holding one another was enough. As it is with soulmates.