TW: Mentions of suicide toward the end.
The two families were more than ready for their vacation. They took two Ubers to the airport at around 7:30 in the morning to catch their 10 AM flight. Sara insisted they had to be there two hours earlier just in case the toddlers gave them a hard time. Sara's fear of missing flights made everyone seem grumpy in the morning, except her with her coffee, bright smile, and shaking unnerved limbs.
Tegan was rather nervous, too. So was Emy. Stacy didn't care. Emy and Tegan knew they were going to meet people they had never met; people Sara promised would judge, criticize, and annoy them. "But it's fine. You'll get used to it," she said in spite of the fact she had never been able to get over her cousin's constant harassment during adolescence.
Adam had promised everyone would be on their best behavior. They were all excited to meet the twins. Emy hadn't a reason to be nervous, Stacy thought. It was Sara's family and they were going to judge Sara only. "Audrey can't say shit to me," Stacy said. But the fact that they had to spend all their vacation with Sara's family made her partner's stomach clench in apprehension.
Tara and Evelyn were going to pick them up from the airport. Jeremy couldn't drive them—not that they would have let him do both families on his own—since he and Denise were finally visiting his family for the holidays. The latter, too, expressed her fear upon meeting them for the first time. Tegan thought he might propose soon. When Emy asked her if she knew, Tegan swore she didn't, but she could tell he was head over heels for her and he wouldn't wait too long.
The night before, Sara made her orgasm three times. That's why the older woman was ecstatic. She came only once, but it was more than enough. The satisfaction she received making her wife cum was far more superior than getting to cum herself. The sex was great, even Tegan attested to that. The kids slept early and the couple decided to begin their scheduled nightly ritual earlier. That resulted in three rounds for Tegan and one in between for Sara. She was eaten out and fingered until she screamed. Tegan rode the phallus on top of her first, however. She felt so horny after, so Tegan went down on her and fingered her. Couldn't handle how aroused that made her get once again, the younger woman rode her wife's face. They relaxed for two minutes until she told Sara to rub her clit and put two fingers in her. Sara sucked her nipples while doing that. They were more engorged than ever, and her breasts were far less attractive than ever, but Sara would never tell her that to her face.
The problem was that one breast had become bigger than the other, way too saggy and much too swollen. It was because Scarlet continued insisting to nurse from that right breast and whenever she wanted to get Rose to nurse from the left one, the toddler rejected her after two minutes. Their friends had noticed this difference through Tegan's clothing but nobody could outside her home because she wore the baggiest hoodies she could find. Tegan's bodily torment had never been greater. She was trying her best to wean Scarlet, but kept failing.
"They say that 2019 is great for both Virgos and Geminis," Tegan told her wife on the plane.
"Hmm."
"Yeah." She chewed more of the trail mix Sara had handed her before they got on the plane and continued talking, "Do you know that I am both Virgo moon and rising?"
"What does that mean?" Sara asked. She was rather apathetic toward Tegan's newly found interest in zodiac signs and tarot readings, but she faked curiosity for fear her wife would be upset.
"I'm still learning," Tegan first said. She smiled widely. "But it makes us compatible, I think. Your sun is Virgo, right?"
"Right." Sara chuckled. Stacy, who sat right beside Sara, removed her AirPods and looked at the two of them.
"Your moon is Gemini and your rising is also Virgo, like me."
"Whoa," Sara's interest was suddenly sparked up. Stacy's, too. She craned her neck to listen better to Tegan's soft sounds. Emy and Ella were asleep right in front of her. It was supposed to be her and Ella who sat there, but the child insisted Emy sat next to her because she was angry her mom didn't let her sit next to Tegan. She called both her mother and Sara "bitches" in the airport. She got scolded, cried, and ended up sleeping the moment she got on the plane. Stacy made up plans to make up with her later.
"How do you know all that?" Stacy asked in bewilderment.
"Through the time and place of birth," Tegan quickly answered before getting back to Sara. "But check this cool thing out. Your Sid. Time is 4:20:54 AM, and my Sid. Time is 4:20:54 PM."
"What's a Sid. Tim?" Sara asked, feeling overwhelmed with the new knowledge Tegan was dumping on her. Were they truly compatible? Were they soulmates? Meant to be?
"It's Sidereal Time," Tegan explained. When Stacy's brows furrowed in confusion, she elaborated, "It's like the rotation of the Earth measured relatively to the stars rather than the sun. It's like your time of birth, but measured based on how the Earth rotates around the stars, not the sun. It's what astronomers use. They check Sid. Day, not Solar Day, so they could see the stars, and such. I don't know; that's what I understood."
"Can you do me?" Stacy beamed.
"Sure. Text me your birth time, place, and date. I'll link you up." Stacy was quick. Right after Tegan finished her sentence, she received Stacy's information and began messing with her phone. Sara wanted to kiss her, but she would never on an airplane in front of people. Plus, Rose's head on her chest restricted any movement she could make.
Scarlet threw a tantrum the moment they got into Evelyn's car. She was sleepy, exhausted, and wanted her mother's milk. Tegan held her closely and whispered in her ears that they were going to arrive soon, but Sara was getting impatient, and Rose looked confused staring at her restless, weeping sister.
The twins had had a short bob and adorable bangs that Sara had given them. It made their round faces look rounder with rosy cheeks that Evelyn couldn't handle not to kiss when she first saw them. They looked identical to her daughter at that age.
Sara, apparently, gave the entire family, including herself, haircuts. Tegan's shaggy shoulder-length hair was definitely Sara's doing, Evelyn thought. It was much lighter than the time she saw her last April. She hadn't dyed it black again since then. "Don't you have a bottle for her?" Evelyn asked.
"No, it's just…" Sara sighed, staring at Tegan's bothered features from the rearview mirror. "She wants her mom." Evelyn nodded upon understanding. She was the last person who would judge Tegan about that. She understood that attachment very well.
"Let me show you the room, honey," Eve said the moment they entered the apartment. "So you can feed her and have some privacy."
"Yes, please," Tegan answered, struggling with heavy, wriggling Scarlet in her arms. She even refused to walk.
Lydia greeted them immediately. She was preparing the able. Sara greeted her, but Tegan couldn't even focus. Thankfully, Rose was holding Sara's hand as she calmly stood next to her.
"I'll take Tegan to their room, Lyd," Sara's mother said hurriedly. "We'll wait for you, honey. Put her to sleep and then we'll eat."
"It's fine. You can start without me," Tegan was restless and couldn't care less. She just wanted her daughter to shut up and stop embarrassing her. Upon walking to the room, her eyes focused on the numerous amounts of pictures her mother-in-law had hung on the walls of the corridor. She paused as she looked at toddler Sara. Her daughter stopped crying, too.
"Soosie," Scarlet said as she pointed at one picture, "and Woozie," she painted at another and giggled. The toddler genuinely thought her mother was her and her twin.
"Oh…I…" Evelyn stopped, too.
"They look exactly like her," Tegan mumbled, marveling at the resemblance. "This is so strange." Evelyn could only smile.
"I don't wanna freak you out, but you're going to meet Audrey's kids and her youngest looks exactly like them, too, so you might hear something about that. Sara's father and Adam's are twins and that's basically the result. The kids all look alike." Tegan nodded politely. She dreaded nothing more than meeting Audrey. She was going to say something, Sara was sure and Stacy was positive, too. "Come on, let's get inside."
Evelyn opened the wooden door to one cozy bedroom with a king-sized bed and two small cribs she had insisted on purchasing even though Sara said they would bring the makeshift portable ones they had. "I, unfortunately, only have two bedrooms, otherwise I would have placed the cribs in another one, but the apartment's small." She sighed. "I sold the house we lived in when Sara's father died. I never thought Sara would ever…you know talk to me or visit." Tegan smiled and sat on the mattress. Her daughter immediately situated herself the way she felt comfortable and helped her mother pull up her olive-green hoodie. "Alright. She's hungry, so I'll leave you now. If you need anything, call me." Tegan had already begun breastfeeding because Scarlet was impatient. Evelyn noticed the discomfort the young woman felt and left her alone as quickly as she could.
Out in the living room, Sara and Rose were looking at the other assemblage of pictures Evelyn had put of Sara in all stages of life, even the rare ones she had of her as an adult. She hung her graduation pictures next to one another: one from her high school graduation, from her BA, MA, and lastly Ph.D. Sara knew there was one of her and Jack together, arm in arm where her head lay on his shoulder. A picture her mother had taken and had previously hung in the old house. It wasn't there. Instead, there were new ones of her and Tegan during their marriage day that Sara had given her mother upon request. Her wife looked so young and lovely, way younger than she did now even though that picture was taken only three years before. There were other pictures of the twins that Sara had also sent her or given her when she visited last.
"That's mommy," Sara whispered while pointing at herself as a teenager. "Sasa mommy." Rose giggled. Her mother had picked her up to take a closer look at the pictures high up on the wall.
"Pwettyyy."
"Pretty?" Sara kissed her daughter's flushed cheek.
"Yes," she said with a heavy lisp toward the end. Her daughter could never pronounce the S properly.
"Who's that?" Sara pointed at another picture of herself when she was only one year old. Her mother had told her that was her first birthday. She was dressed in cute overalls and her face was full of cake as she had pushed herself right on top of it when they put it in front of her.
"Soosie," Rose said happily. She clapped. "Cake," she chirped and looked around. "Cake."
Sara laughed a little and the two women joined. Her mother stared in admiration. "No, that's Sasa mommy when she was a baby." Rose looked at her in confusion. She looked back at the picture and then once again at her. She turned her head toward another picture where five-year-old Sara sat in her mother's lap. "Ebie," she said, and turned around toward her grandmother.
"Oh, my God. Oh, my, Lydia, did you hear? She called me Ebie." The grandmother freaked out and ran toward her granddaughter. She wanted to take her from her mother in order to kiss and hug her, but Sara was scared of her mother's reaction and pulled her daughter closer to her. "I'm sorry, I'm just…"
"It's fine, mom, I just don't want her to freak out." Sara felt guilty so she handed Rose to her grandmother, but the toddler whined immediately and her grip strengthened around Sara's collar. "She gets scared easily," Sara muttered. "They know you. I tell them who you are and show them your picture all the time."
"She's smart," pointed out Lydia.
"Yeah." Sara planted another kiss on Rose's cheek. "Wanna go with Evie? She's my mommy." Rose stared at her with puzzlement another time. "Evie is my mommy."
"No, no, no," Rose rejected, wrapping her two arms around her mother's neck. She frowned right away; lips turning downward and eyes tearing up.
"Oh, no, I don't think she understood you, Sara." Sara nodded with a chuckle.
Ten minutes later, Tegan left the bedroom with Scarlet walking in front of her. The child was clearly full of hyper enthusiasm. She grabbed Sara's hand and pulled her to the corridor to show her the pictures of "Soosie and Rosie." Sara tried to explain that those were her pictures but Scarlet couldn't grasp it. She and her sister resonantly ran around the dining table as the adults had their dinner.
"They're not going to nap because their nap is in the afternoon and they took it on the airplane," Tegan explained apologetically in the kitchen. Evelyn was loading the dishwasher and Lydia was putting the food in the fridge. Tegan had asked for an Advil for her headache. "Their sleeping time is close, though."
"We're not bothered by them," Evelyn said. "Those are my grandkids. You have no idea how much I've dreamed about having them in here just making a mess." Lydia only smiled politely.
"Thank you." It was clear that the kid's noisiness brought the mothers anxiety. Active kids usually made their mothers embarrassed but that was a sign of health according to everyone they complained to.
The problem they feared happened at night. While Scarlet slept, Rose wasn't able to close an eye in the new environment. Tegan held her close, and Sara attempted singing to her but to no avail. Eventually, sleep washed over the tired bodies and the toddler was able to close an eye in her mother's arms. She was taken to her crib where she slept for only three hours and, with a screech, alerted both mothers and the other toddler who immediately closed her eyes again and returned to her slumber.
Sara's worried chest caused her to pick up the crying child and leave the bedroom so that the other one wouldn't wake up. She had feared this would happen; it always happened and nobody knew why. After few minutes, Tegan followed. They both tried to assuage their daughter's cries and make her feel safe in their arms, but the tears continued and the sounds disturbed the sleeping adults in the house.
Evelyn joined the two mothers after half an hour of continuous crying. Sara was rocking the child and Tegan was holding the tiny hands to soothe her.
"What's going on?"
"I'm so sorry, mom." Sara's octave echoed stress and exhaustion. Her daughter's voice almost broke as she apologized. "She's scared."
"Don't apologize," whispered the grandmother. She sat beside Sara and stared at the child who was drowning in her own tears. She tsked calmly. "Why?"
"It's a whole thing she goes through every once in a while." Huffed Sara. "Shhhh, it's fine, baby. We're all here. No need to be scared."
"Sared," the toddler said with her heavy lisp and tired voice.
"Don't be, Rosie. I'm here. Mommy's here." Tegan leaned in to kiss her forehead. She was awfully quiet that her mother-in-law felt concerned.
"We've taken her to many doctors," Sara explained. "Nobody knows why. It started to happen after her heart surgery. She keeps waking up at night randomly with panic attacks. Like she actually has nightmares or something. Now she's just scared because we're not home."
"I'll make you two something to drink," said Evelyn when she realized she couldn't help.
The living room and the kitchen were conjoined inside the small apartment. They both watched as the mother began brewing coffee. The couple stared at one another with unspoken solace they both returned to one another through such terrible hours they often experienced together. Perhaps that's what kept them strong, mentally noted the older woman as she poured each a cup. They both held their crying daughter and both comforted her fears. Together, the first night of their vacation was spent wide awake. She handed both a cup and together they whispered a thank you that was barely audible.
"You should try to go to bed, mom," Sara whispered. "She's calmer now."
"You know I'm not much of a sleeper."
"Till now?" Evelyn never slept, Sara recalled that. The times she had seen her mother asleep weren't numerous; mostly after a huge fight with her father that exhausted her lungs or left her bruised due to his abusive strikes. However, she was often awake and her sleep never surpassed four hours.
"It's better now, but I still wake up easily and then can't go back to sleep."
Sara wondered if the reason her mother hadn't slept well in the past was due to her fear of the man that lay next to her. She had read plenty about fear while trying to figure out her daughter's problem; it's one of the reasons kids peed themselves so much during the ages of four and five, one of the reasons they developed a stutter, and one of the reasons they sucked their thumbs and covered their entire bodies with the duvets while they slept. Tegan had all of those traits. She used to pee herself a lot when she was four and five, as for the rest, those were ongoing issues minus the thumb-sucking that she had gotten over. It was safe to say that Rose was a lot like her birth mother; sensitive, scared, wary, loving, and needy for love and care. She never sought attention and never liked to be in the center of it, but needed her mother to make her feel better when she cried. She always wrapped both arms around Sara's bony leg, a behavior Tegan had remarked suggesting it made the toddler feel protected by Sara's domineering presence. She was not scared of her older mother like Scarlet was. Sara had such a halo around her even the kids felt intimidated by her but Rose used that intimidation as a way to have her mother by her side while Scarlet attempted wrestling with it, challenging it, and, often times, running away from it.
"Do you want boobie?" Tegan whispered at one point during the night.
"No," the toddler answered immediately. "Sasa mommy," she said instead.
"I'm right here," Sara said with a chuckle.
"She wants you to cuddle her," Tegan explained. "Skin to skin like last time." Sara's eyes shifted toward her watching mother. She gave a nod and began unbuttoning her pajama shirt. Tegan helped the child out of her onside and kept her in her diaper. Rose was rubbing her eyes, whispering she was scared the entire time while Tegan shushed her softly. Sara lay down on the couch and put the child on top of her. The 20-month-old toddler whimpered softly, but it didn't take long for Tegan's soothing lullaby and Sara's relaxing rubs against her back to get her back to sleep. Her tiny hand had taken hold of Sara's flesh, which truly hurt but the mother put up with the pain.
Rose was taken back to her crib and the mothers slept a little bit until sleep was no longer needed and her twin woke up well-rested and in need for her morning meal.
Sara and Tegan sat at the round dining table as Scarlet nursed and Evelyn prepared the breakfast in the kitchen. Sara texted Stacy about their plans for the day. Tara insisted dinner was at her house as a welcoming gesture. Sara had to visit her grandfather in the afternoon, though. She was going to take Tegan and the kids. She wanted to do it before the Christmas gathering in two days. Christmas Eve was going to be held at Evelyn's and only Tara, Stacy, and Emy were invited.
When Lydia left the bedroom with a fully-packed duffle bag, she stepped right into the kitchen area where Sara's mother turned around and the old couple kissed. Sara's eyes looked up from her phone immediately. Her stomach turned at the scene. The small hazel watched the hushed conversation. Her mother begged her partner to stay for breakfast, but the younger woman told her she would be late for Ava whom she was picking up from the airport. Evelyn wrapped up a couple of scones in a napkin and gave them to Lydia, who passionately caught her by a surprising kiss that caused the honey orbs of the spectating woman widen. The red covered her ear and he heart drummed. Her wife smiled and winked at her. Tegan was well-aware of those feelings Sara felt.
Lydia said goodbye to both Sara and Tegan. Scarlet sat up, wiped her mouth, and said her own goodbye before hopping off her mother's lap.
Evelyn put the last plate of waffles on the table watching Sara watch her. "What?"
"Ebie, up," Scarlet demanded with two raised arms.
"No, Soosie, leave your grandma alone. She wants to have her breakfast," Tegan said, holding her daughter's hand and pulling her toward herself.
"No, no, it's fine." Evelyn picked up the toddler and put her on her lap. The wicked kid smirked at her mother, making her widen her eyes while her other mother was still zoned out inside the focused stare she had on her mother. "Sara?" Tegan looked at her, too.
"Seeing you kiss another woman is so strange to me, mother," Sara finally said. She reached for the plate of waffles and took one. Right away, she grabbed the bowl of strawberries and put a few in her own plate. "I've never even seen you kiss my father. It's…" Sara paused while she added some chopped bananas in her plate, too.
"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Evelyn said, watching her daughter pour a generous amount of chocolate syrup on her waffle. "You've seen us kiss a couple of times and you know it."
"I think the last time I've seen you two kiss when I was, like, twelve." She shook the whipped cream can and sprayed on her own waffle. Scarlet opened up her mouth waiting for Sara to do that to her, too.
"That's because he stopped kissing me after that miscarriage." Evelyn shrugged. Scarlet kept moving on her lap as her mother filled her mouth with whipped cream.
"Sara, stop, it's too much sugar," Tegan said. She had excluded herself out of the awkward conversation. She, herself, wasn't sure what Sara was trying to say. The two women kissed and so what? It's not like Sara didn't know they were together. Why did her wife act so childishly around her mother?
Sara handed Scarlet few pieces of fruits she could eat to distract her. After telling her it was empty, Sara put the whipped cream can on the floor so the child wouldn't notice it and throw a tantrum about it.
"I'm sorry," Sara whispered with a lopsided smile. "I'm glad you're getting kissed right now." Tegan raised one eyebrow at her wife's word choice. Evelyn laughed.
"Did it make you feel uncomfortable, Sara?" Her daughter shrugged. "Why?"
"Not uncomfortable…just…strange. Like you're mom…the one who told me I would go to hell for kissing girls."
"I was just repeating what he said, Sara." Evelyn sighed. "It's what he told me each night when I asked him why wouldn't he sleep with me any longer. He told me you were going to go to hell and I was the reason because I was queer."
"Jesus," Tegan whispered, mostly to herself. Her shock was loud and apparent. Sara could only frown.
"It's like I was brainwashed."
"I hope he's in hell right now," Sara said. "God, I hate him. I hope he knows you and I both are having great lesbian sex with our partners." Tegan's eyes popped wide open. Evelyn's cheeks became a shade darker than the crimson red overall Scarlet was wearing. Scarlet was too busy inserting the small piece of banana inside her grandmother's mouth. The older woman was trying to run away from the disgustingly smushed fruit. "I wish you had kept the house so you would have had sex with Lydia on his bed and I would have fucked Tegan in my ro…"
"Sara," Tegan scolded. "What the hell?" It was her turn to have her face turn cherry red while Sara inappropriately voiced her own fantasies without any shame.
"God, Sara, your vocabulary is still unfiltered," Evelyn commented. Scarlet took her chance and pushed the fruit in her mouth. The woman chewed it with a grimace.
"Thak yoooou," Scarlet said.
"Umm…"
"Say thak yooou," Scarlet demanded.
"Oh, okay, thank you, Scarlet." She kissed her forehead and helped her get off her lap as the child requested.
"You wecom, Ebie."
"She's…wow." Sara grinned proudly. "Who taught her all of that?"
"Tegan," Sara immediately said. "She's so good at this." Sara leaned in to kiss her wife. Tegan was taken by surprise. She purposefully kicked Sara's foot under the table because she was well-aware of what Sara was trying to do. Making her mother feel uncomfortable was Sara' second-favorite hobby after drawing Tegan naked.
"Is Lydia not celebrating Christmas with us, Eve?" Tegan asked when silence took over the room once Sara got up to change Scarlet's diaper and bring Rose from the bedroom.
"She wants to spend the day with her daughter. They'll spend it in her own place. Tomorrow, she's coming for the dinner but she won't join us in the Clement's house.
"Do they know about you and her, mom?" Sara asked once she stepped inside. She had been listening to the conversation. The place was so small and everybody could hear each other.
"I haven't told them," Evelyn said. "I don't really care if they do. They all did blame me for your queerness, anyway, but we thought it's best she doesn't join us on Tuesday. Less drama…in case there will be any." The mother shrugged. Everyone in that room knew there would be some drama. If not drama, some mean words, perhaps passive aggressiveness.
"Yeah, that's for the best." Sara gave Rose the rest of the fruits in the three bowls. She put them in a plastic plate and put her on her lap so the toddler could have some light breakfast until Tegan prepared her milk for her.
"She's okay, now?" Evelyn asked about Rose.
"Yeah. She's all happy and well-rested." Sara kissed her daughter's cheeks a number of times. Her other daughter was following Tegan around as she walked in the kitchen making Rose's bottle.
"I hope we're not being intruders to your privacy, Evelyn," Tegan said. "I keep opening and closing the fridge. I'm very sorry. And we kept you and Lydia awake all night long."
"Oh, dear, why would you worry about that?" A little laugh escaped Evelyn's lungs. "I told you I had daydreamed about this."
"Yeah, mom, we're sorry, we're like ruining your sex life right now. The apartment is pretty small. You won't be able to have sex with us in here."
"What's wrong with you?" Tegan said frustratingly when the mother just blanked out at her daughter's blunt and mischievous statement.
"What?" Sara played stupid and her mother understood that well. She had raised that person; she knew her ways. "I'm just teasing her."
"She wants to know about my sex life and doesn't know how to ask," Evelyn finally said. Sara's lips rounded in surprise.
"No, eww, why would I wanna know about that?" Sara lied, or so Evelyn thought. Tegan only sighed while handing the bottle to Rose who said her own "Thak yoooou."
Evelyn stood up and walked away from her seated daughter. Sara put her head down in shame and guilt. Tegan was glaring at her. When she lifted her head up, her mother was back again with the coffee pot in her hand. She poured one cup for Sara and one for herself. Tegan declined the offer because she was beginning to pump. Scarlet was bothering her, so Eve picked her up once again and put her on her lap.
"It isn't that great," said Evelyn.
"What?" Sara questioned. Her daughter's head was on her chest as she had her own milk.
"The, you know." Evelyn was very coy and sensitive. Tegan hated the situation Sara had put her in. She treated her mother as she did her students. It bothered Tegan and she couldn't figure out why Sara did that.
"Oh." Sara didn't say anything. She just frowned and looked down again. "I'm sorry I asked. I didn't…"
"She's going through menopause and it's been too much to deal with."
"Oh," Sara said again. "Yeah…I…I understand."
"Last week, I had to take her to the ER in the middle of the night because of the sudden bleeding. It was just…awful. God, women…go through all that and…"
Her mother was exhausted, perhaps a little bit confounded. Sara regretted asking her or joking about such a topic. She just seemed so happy and satisfied. That kiss made Sara feel jealous. She didn't know why. She and Tegan rarely kissed like that…so passionately, so happily. But it was all just…an act? Maybe. Or maybe it wasn't an act, but just two aging women who loved one another without having to have a sexual relationship to feel that love.
"Is she okay?" Sara asked. "Bleeding like that isn't supposed to happen, you know."
"Oh, honey, it's normal. That's just menopause. That's what was happening to me, too, before…you know…but it's fine in her case. She has no history of cancer in the family. But it's normal. It's just a hard time."
"I'm sorry about that," Sara apologized. "I really am sorry I joked about this, mom."
"Oh, it's fine." The mother laughed. "You make me smile and laugh. I love you joking with me. It makes me feel like you're all good with me. You're not angry with me."
"Why would I be angry?"
"Oh, you know…when you were…you never…" Evelyn cut herself, "I'm so happy you're here and you're joking and you're yourself around me." Sara reached a hand for her and squeezed it. Scarlet jumped off her lap suddenly and crouched on the floor. "No matter what happens with your grandfather and cousins, know that I'm by your side." Sara nodded. Her eyes were focused on her daughter's reddening face.
"Soosie, what are you doing?" Tegan asked before she could. She seemed concerned, too.
"Pooping," Scarlet answered casually. "I pooping."
"Holy shit, what?" Sara exclaimed loudly. Tegan's crimson hue increased. Evelyn's eyes were open widely.
It's time you potty-train her, Stacy suggested that night when they narrated what had happened to the group of women.
"She just crouched there in front of us and told us she's pooping. Like, how in the hell…I am...that kid is Satan," Sara said.
"It's great that she knows what she was doing. That means you won't face issues potty-training her," Tara remarked.
"Don't worry, honey, I'll help you with it," Stacy said to stunned Tegan. "You'll help, too," she told Sara with that one look only the two of them understood.
"Of course, Stace face," Sara said and Stacy mocked by replicating what she said in a funny voice.
"It's just a bit hard doing it in the winter?" Emy asked apprehensively. "I don't know. I remember we suffered with my brother. He peed everywhere. They told us to do it in the summer."
"Yeah, definitely. We'll start slow, so in the summer you go full on potty-training," Stacy said. "When we get back, I'll help you with everything. Now potty-training two is tricky, but we'll manage it." Sometimes Tegan loved how involved Stacy was in their life, but not that time. That time she loved Stacy and wanted to hug her. Sara seemed clueless and as frightened as her.
Christmas Eve at Evelyn's was a blast. The women all talked to each other harmoniously and shared stories they hadn't the ability to tell due to distance. Lydia introduced her daughter to everyone. The twenty-year-old was very quiet due to the age gap she had with everyone. Nevertheless, the age gap she had with Tegan and Emy was still much less than the one they had with Sara and Stacy. It's just the experiences differed. Ava was straight which was surprising to everybody considering she had had two lesbian mothers since ever. It made Sara wonder whether her daughters would turn out straight or gay or each one would have a different sexuality. Those thoughts often made her stay up late at night overthinking them. Tegan told her it was too early to think about such things and whatever they turn out to be, it shouldn't worry them. Though Tegan was right, Sara still thought and pondered and wondered.
Christmas day was the most dreadful for the couple. Narissa had insisted she would host the Christmas dinner and every family member in Vancouver plus a few who came from Calgary were invited.
Thankfully, when Sara and Tegan took the twins to meet Sara's grandfather, the old man was too nice to say anything that could hurt Sara. She hadn't had a close relationship with her grandfather, but he never ever said anything mean to her or to her mother. He never hurt her feelings. Nobody really did except her father. Audrey only criticized her when they were younger. Her mother was a snake, though. She often teased Evelyn and Sara was the witness.
When talking to Adam to ask him if his family knew he were the donor, he said they did. It was too late to tell him not to tell them because they had agreed not to keep it a secret. She wanted her daughters to know who their biological father was just in case something happened to her. That was the sole purpose she chose a family member and someone she trusted and admired. She and Tegan agreed they would tell them as soon as they started asking about it. They would explain that the girls had no father at first, but if they asked about the process, they would tell them that Adam was the donor of the sperm. Sara also worried about them not understanding that or thinking that Adam was their father. She truly hoped she wasn't making any mistake.
"This is Tegan," Sara said more than a few times while introducing her wife and kids to all her family members, "and that's Scarlet." She pointed at the grouchy child that glared at every face she saw while her mother held her. "This cutie is Rose." Sara kissed the ruddy cheek of the smiling child because she was the one holding her. "You'll tell them apart easily. Scarlet's always grumpy and stuck like a glue on Tegan while Rose likes me and likes everyone else."
Her great aunt Helene laughed while forcefully kissing the cheeks of the two toddlers. Both of them whined and Scarlet screeched with a push.
"I'm so sorry," Tegan apologized. "She's just not used to you."
"It's fine, darling." The older woman smiled at her and used her cane to head toward Stacy and Emy who stood beside Audrey.
Sara's cousin was cold to them. When Sara introduced her and the kids, Audrey only smiled. Narissa pretended they did not exist. She said a quick hello and directed her conversation toward Tara and the rest of the family members. Evelyn squeezed her daughter's shoulder and mouthed that it was all okay in her and her wife's ears. She could tell Sara was on edge, but she tried not to make a big deal out of it. At least aunt Helene was nice.
Emy joined the couple eventually. She smiled awkwardly at Tegan, placing her hand above her thigh and squeezing it for comfort, an attempt to calm the shaking. Tegan could only smile weakly.
"Memy," Scarlet said and pulled her arms up toward Tegan's best friend. Emy immediately took her from Tegan and showered her with kisses that both Audrey and Adam were watching. Audrey whispered something in her brother's ears to which he had no reaction to except for the reddening ears. It was troubling how cold he was; just like his cousin, Emy thought.
"Memy," Rose chanted, too, her jealousy announced loudly in the room. She wanted to be held as well. Emy welcomed her on her other lap carefully. Sara watched with apprehension. Audrey's toddler approached the two girls, staring at them blankly.
"What the fuck," Emy whispered in her best friend's ear. "Did you give birth to this one, too?"
"No," Tegan whispered with a giggle. "The Clements' genes are crazy."
"Mia, you like your cousins?" Both women jumped finding tall Audrey crouching in front of them. Her long hair and extended lashes allured the two women. Her eyes were as green as her brother's and her facial structure was as sharp as Sara's.
Speaking of Sara, she immediately fell into defense mode, tensing up right beside Tegan.
"I'm your auntie Audrey," said the woman, holding her daughter's tiny hands. "Mia's only a year older than them. They'll be great friends. Right, Sara?"
"Sure," Sara said.
"Cousin?" the toddler asked. Scarlet was trying to reach for her chestnut locks in order to pull one but Emy's hand guarded the other child.
"Oh, yes, they're your cousins." Audrey smiled at Tegan who couldn't smile back because Sara's and Evelyn's numerous warnings kept her alert. "It's strange that they look nothing like you. Not a bit." Sara rolled her eyes and Audrey noticed. Her smirk grew wider. "They look exactly like Adam."
"They look like me," Sara's grandfather objected. "Everyone looks like me." He smiled widely and proudly. Sara and Tegan both tittered. Everyone else held their laughter because everyone knew that it was the grandmother's genes that was dispersed among the children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
"Mom," Audrey said, ignoring her grandfather's words, "come take a look at your grandkids. They have your nose." Everyone else went quiet. Stacy's eyes roamed Sara's burning ones and Evelyn's furious gaze. Tegan's lips were parted in utter shock. Emy looked at her with bewildered blue orbs. Adam's face grew red. Helene's brow furrowed. The grandfather remained silent as he stared at his insidious granddaughter.
"Narissa, why don't we get the plates out? We're getting hungry," Tara interrupted the awkward silence. She looked at her daughter and a knowing glance sent Stacy toward Audrey.
"Audrey, your son is playing in the mud and I don't want Ella to get sick outside and become dirty. Please come help me get them inside."
A sense of something sinister accompanied the quiet dinner interrupted by whispered chatter and lips smacking on deliciously cooked meals. Everyone noticed Sara's changed mood and lack of appetite. Her grandfather continued asking her questions about her job to get her talk, but she only gave short answers and returned fake smiles. Evelyn did not seem like she cared. Audrey talked a little bit about her kids and Sara's uncles and aunt joined the conversation.
While having dessert, Audrey, once again, joined Stacy, Emy, Sara, and Tegan in the secluded cozy living room. Adam had just been there to apologize for his sister's comment, but they told him it wasn't a big deal. It seemed that he had said something to her that she came in with furious features and pride the size of Antarctica.
She didn't say much except when she noticed Emy and Stacy whispering and giggling. "When did you figure out you were gay?" she bluntly asked.
"Figure out?" Stacy said with a chuckle. "You know too well I was always queer. I made out with you in the school's bathroom, Audrey."
Audrey's face reddened and Emy's eyes widened. She bit her upper lip to withhold her laughter. Tegan and Sara both had stone faces.
"No, I mean…your mom. She's okay with it?" Audrey cleared up her throat. "Like your family. Your dad."
Stacy's parents were divorced. She introduced Emy to her father two days before, too. He loved her partner very much and Emy, too, admired him. Her parents, and everyone knew, were very open-minded and couldn't care less about her sexuality.
"Well, I am a very grown woman and that's my life," Stacy answered. "And they've always known, anyway." Stacy watched Sara get up. She picked up the plates, telling them she's taking them to the kitchen.
"Wait, Sara, I wanna talk to you," Audrey followed. The three women left on the lounge chairs eyed each other skeptically. Stacy immediately stood up.
"I'll follow them just in case she's saying something to make her blood boil," Stacy whispered. "Stay here. I know how to deal with that bitch."
When she spotted Sara standing with Narissa and Audrey in the kitchen, she didn't enter at first. Her ears to the door, she heard the full conversation that she was sure going to cause Sara to lose her mind at any moment despite the frigidity she portrayed.
"They're not your kids, you know," Narissa said. "Not Evelyn's grandkids. They are Adam's and my grandkids." Stacy's heart drummed inside her chest. She couldn't imagine someone saying this to Emy if she got pregnant with a child she and Emy planned to have together.
"Exactly," Audrey agreed. "It's just the truth. You didn't even have to be upset."
"Honestly, it's your fault," Narissa said.
"What?" Sara's voice was soft, defeated, small. Stacy's heart broke.
"You shouldn't have chosen Adam as the donor, you know, if you didn't want it to be like that. Or at least not let everyone know. We can't pretend that those babies aren't ours. I'm their grandmother and she's their aunt and he's their father no matter what shit paper your lifestyle allows you. Your uncle's pretty upset, you know. He's their grandfather. Had your father been alive he'd be…"
"That's enough, Narissa," Sara shouted. Her voice so resonant Stacy wondered if people in the other rooms could hear it. "They're my kids. If I'd known you invited us here to tell us this bullshit, I wouldn't have ever come to your house. I'll make sure my kids never interact with you…"
"Oh, please, that's because you're scared to tell them the truth you know very well yourself. You're their adoptive mother. We are their family, Sara. Deny it as much as you can, but you know the truth very well."
Stacy grabbed Sara on the way out, but her best friend shoved her off roughly. Stacy's shoulder bumped into Audrey when she was leaving the kitchen. Audrey laughed a little. "She's still so sensitive, God."
"Fuck you," Stacy exclaimed.
Sara had already told her mother and Tegan they were leaving. Nobody knew why and Sara refused snitching. She sat in her mother's car as frozen as Tegan had first known her during her illness days when they had an affair. Her tears adorned her eyes, but no sound escaped her throat. Evelyn continued questioning and Tegan, too, but Sara built up a wall and separated herself from them. When they arrived home, Sara told Tegan she wanted to be alone in the room and wanted her to take the kids outside. Though Tegan insisted she'd know why, Sara's frozen stature made her give up and leave the room.
"Is it because of what Audrey said?" Evelyn asked in the kitchen while brewing coffee. Perhaps her daughter would open the door and take it from her.
"I don't know," mumbled Tegan. Her daughters were asleep on the couch because Sara didn't want them to be in the room, too. She was scared they would fall despite having put pillows on the edges to restrict their movement. "She took the plates to the kitchen and Audrey followed. I think she said something to her."
"Shit." Evelyn sighed. What would she do? She had warned Sara about it. It wasn't new or unexpected of that woman to say something like that. She had always been jealous of Sara, had always made her feel like absolute shit, and had always said what no one would ever say out of respect. Audrey cared for nothing or no one but her personal satisfaction.
"I'm calling Stacy but her phone's busy. She followed them. I think she knows what happened."
"Maybe she's talking to Sara," Evelyn speculated, putting a coffee cup on the coffee table.
"Thank you," said Tegan.
"I'll take this to her." Tegan nodded and the mother walked up the closed door, knocking slightly. Nobody picked up. "Sara?" she called. "Honey, I have some coffee for you." Still no answer. She moved the knob, but the door was locked. She sighed. "Baby, I know what she said was hurtful, but you know her well to know she's a bitch." Tegan was beside her now. "Honey, please open the door. I'm worried."
Tears were accumulating on the brims of Tegan's eyes. Losing hope, Evelyn wrapped her arm around the young woman and squeezed her shoulder. "It's alright," she whispered. "Maybe she's just tired."
Sara had never done that before. She had never isolated herself because of something except when she was in trouble with the university a couple of years ago.
Tegan texted Stacy, hoping the latter would answer. A moment later Stacy called. "She's asleep. Just give her a little bit of space and she'll wake up and be okay." Stacy didn't want to talk about what had happened. Sara told her not tell. "I talked to her. Don't worry."
"What happened?" Tegan asked.
"Don't worry about it," Stacy said. "Just let her sleep it out."
The hours passed slowly and suddenly Tegan found herself yawning.
"How about you and the kids sleep on my bed?" The kids were awake and hyper, roaming the small living room and giggling loudly as they played and chattered. "Lydia's spending the night with her daughter. She won't be home for two days."
"It's fine," Tegan said. "I'm not that sleepy and the kids aren't. Maybe she'll wake up soon."
Tegan got up and went to the bathroom. While seated on the toilet, half awake and half asleep, she heard Stacy's panicked voice outside. She wiped quickly, flushed, and washed her hands. She left to find Stacy attempting to open Sara's door.
"What's going on?" she asked loudly watching the horror on her mother's face.
"I need a bobby pin, Eve. Quickly please." The mother nodded and walked inside her bedroom.
"Stacy, what's going on?" Tegan asked louder and Stacy only huffed.
"Nothing, honey. I just want her to open the door so I could talk to her and she won't do that." Tegan stared at the friend who lied to her with big frightened eyes. The bobby pin was handed to Stacy who told them not to worry because she was able to unlock the door even with a key inside. If not, she was going to break the door. By then, the two women knew something was going on with Sara. Tegan's tears streamed down her face.
"Don't worry," Stacy repeated. "See?" She laughed a little. "I unlocked it." When Tegan put her hand on the knob, Stacy pushed her away. "Now I want you two to leave me alone to talk to her, okay?" Evelyn nodded but Tegan protested. "Honey, I know what I'm doing. Your wife's alright. Just go up there to the living room because your kids are alone and God knows what kind of mess they're making. I'll get her out of the room in a minute."
"Tegan, honey, let's…"
"Why are you lying to me?" Tegan yelled. Stacy ignored her, got inside, and locked the door again.
She found Sara's body lying unconscious on the mattress, lips pale and blue. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, idiot," she mumbled to herself when she eyed the sleeping pills box on the nightstand. "Fucking idiot. Is it worth it to do this again?" She began crying. "Fuck, Sara, you're such an idiot." She shook her best friend's sleeping form. "Wake up. You're still breathing. Wake up." She shook her roughly, knowing too well what she needed to do to wake her up. "Stupid," she yelled at her. She grabbed her body and dragged her the door so she could take her to the bathroom. A groan escaped Sara's lungs making Stacy's tears erupt and her sobs make a noise. Tegan called from outside. "Why would you do this because of some fucking bitch?" She opened the door and pushed Tegan away. "Tegan, give me some space, please."
"Oh my, God," Tegan shouted. "What's wrong?" Evelyn ran up to them but Stacy dragged half-conscious Sara toward the bathroom and closed the door, locking it immediately. Tegan banged on the door, shouting and crying.
She made the woman kneel against the toilet and shoved two of her fingers inside her throat. Sara began gagging and soon she was throwing up everything she had consumed. She rubbed her back and held her weak form.
Nobody knew about this habit except her. Fourteen-year-old Sara began doing this for attention. Nobody gave it to her except Stacy. Fifteen-year-old Sara did this every time she fought with her mother. Sixteen-year-old Sara did this because of her father. She had learned it from her mother, but she never went the extra mile. She was always scared she'd end up killing herself. Thirty-year-old Sara did it all the time and Stacy always saved her. Whenever Audrey made her feel bad, whenever she remembered her dead daughter, whenever she remembered Jack. Stacy always saved her. Problem was that time Sara had really overdosed with the pills and hadn't Stacy realized when she was informed Sara wasn't waking up, it might have been a disaster. Thank God she was a nurse and she knew exactly what to do to get Sara rid of those pills.
But her partner had to know. Her mother had to know. Next time might be worse. Let Sara be upset with her. They had to know.
Sara's body collapsed on her and she continued questioning why she had done that.
"What were you thinking?" she kept asking. "You have a wife and children? Did you think of them?" Sara was just crying. "Imagine I hadn't caught you. God, you're so stupid," she yelled. "Letting that bitch get to you."
"Stop," Sara shouted.
"No, I won't stop. Fuck…wake up. You're too old to do this. Fucking…why would you do this?"
"I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want…"
"Fucking bullshit," she shouted loudly. Tegan banged on the door. "She has to know, okay? That's stupid what you did." She pulled her up and unlocked the door. "Tegan, help me get her to the bedroom." Tegan nodded with tears. Evelyn's face was stone-like as she stared at the scene.
Sara cried in her bed. The two women knew right away what had happened. "You've always worried something would happen to you and you'll end up leaving Tegan and the kids behind," Stacy said. She was stroking Sara's hair and caressing her damp face. Sara couldn't even look into her wife's eyes. "And then you just attempt killing yourself because some stupid cunt said something that hurt your feelings?"
"I didn't want to kill myself," Sara said with hiccups and tears. "I just wanted to sleep and forget about what she said."
"What did she say?" Tegan questioned.
Evelyn was too silent that Stacy was worried. She looked into Sara's eyes to know whether she was allowed to tell her. Sara wept some more. "It was just…she…" Stacy sighed. God, she hated even thinking about it.
"Narissa told me that the kids aren't mine. They're Adam's and yours. She said that she's their grandmother…not mom. And that…" Sara hiccupped. "She was so mean…she was like…even if on paper they were mine, they're not…" Sara's sobs became loud again. Her kids stood by the door with huge green eyes staring at her. They held hands and their cheeks were red and full. Evelyn's tears ran down her cheeks silently. "I didn't want to kill myself. I'm not like that. I just…I wanted to sleep it off without having to hear you and mom calling me because I was…"
Tegan sat down on the mattress, shushing her wife. She took her hand and squeezed it. "I won't judge. It's fine." She grabbed her face and kissed her lips, tasting the tears on them. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry," Sara said, too. "I wanna go home." Evelyn left the room. Sara looked at her walking away and cried more. "Why didn't she say anything?"
"She's probably blaming herself, Sara," Stacy said. "You learned this from her after all."
"No. I'm not like her. I'm not gonna kill myse…"
"You almost did. If I didn't know how to make you throw it up, you'd be in the hospital with your stomach pumped right now…just like her." Sara needed some tough love and Stacy was the best at providing that. "God," she whispered. "Just rest for now. I want you to rest and in the morning you and I are going out for coffee. Just you and me…okay?" Sara nodded. She knew what Stacy was going to say when she took her out. Maybe she needed an intervention. Tegan couldn't give her that because she was as depressed as her. They both were and they knew it. Stacy knew how to get her back into her senses, calm her down, make her feel loved.
Sara's kids continued staring at her without saying anything. Tegan placed them on the mattress next to her and they kept staring silently. Evelyn checked on her daughter a few times. When Sara's eyes were closed, Evelyn placed a kiss on her forehead and mouthed a whispered apology. Sara felt it because she was awake, but didn't say anything. The kids ended up sleeping next to their mother and Tegan didn't move them. She spent the whole night awake overthinking what Sara had done and crying about the possibility of Sara losing her life and leaving her and the kids alone. Maybe it was her fault. Maybe it was her mother's fault. Maybe it was everyone's fault Sara felt that way.
Stacy passed by in her mother's car and picked Sara up in the morning as she said. Tegan fed the kids, had breakfast and zoned out a little bit before falling asleep when her children needed a nap. When she woke up, Sara wasn't there still. Evelyn told her that she had checked on her and she was alright. Tegan wished she were with them. What was so secretive about the whole thing? What was Stacy telling her to calm her down and why couldn't she?
Emy called her to make sure she was alright. Had Stacy filled her in?
"Ella's getting on my last nerve," she whispered. "She keeps asking me inappropriate questions that I don't know how to answer."
"Oh," Tegan said. "I…just tell her Stacy would answer her when she gets back." Emy only sighed irritatingly. "Where do you think they are?"
"They had brunch together," Emy said. "I don't know where, though. I don't know the places here. My mom used to live here before she and dad moved to Toronto. I was very young so I don't know much."
"Okay," Tegan said shortly. She heard the front door getting unlocked. "I think Sara's here. Bye." She hung up before her best friend could respond. Sara used the spare key her mother had given her just in case they wouldn't be home.
"Hey," Evelyn said, getting up from her place on the light grey couch. Scarlet stood up, too, and Rose followed. They walked up to their blushing mother. Her best friend stood behind her with a warm smile on her face.
"Hi," Sara responded shyly.
"Sasa mommy," the girls chanted, putting their arms up for Sara to carry them.
"How are you?" Evelyn asked. Tegan was silently speculating her wife's body language. "All good?"
"Yeah," Sara whispered. She walked up the couch with her daughters in her arms. They were too heavy to carry together and she needed to sit down.
"Sorry we took too long," Stacy said, putting her purse on the round dining table. "We both needed our best friend time." She winked at Tegan, who nodded quietly. Her wife was looking at her. She averted her gaze when their eyes met.
"Did you two have dinner?" Sara shook her head.
"No. I'm starving though. We had brunch in the afternoon. Had some coffee, but we've been talking and lost track of time."
Evelyn was like a rocket launched into space. Her body was thwarted into the kitchen to check on the spaghetti she had prepared. "The food needs like less than five minutes to be ready. Sara, why don't you wash up and be here?" Sara nodded. She stood up, left the kids, and left the living room.
"Tegan?" Stacy called gently. Tegan's gaze was focused on her wife's disappearing silhouette. "Talk to her maybe?" Tegan nodded. "Not now…I mean…later on when you two are clear-headed."
"Sure." Tegan's sigh was soft but audible enough in the quiet room. "She's alright, though. Don't worry. She's just anxious is all." Tegan nodded again. Would it kill her to say something? How cold could someone be?
They had dinner quietly. Stacy talked about how she needed to speak with Tegan about Emy's birthday gift when they were done. Sara yawned a number of times until her mother told her she should get some rest after dinner. The distressed woman nodded without mouthing any word. Tegan continued glancing at her every few minutes until they shared an eye contact again. Sara smiled lopsidedly. It was forced, Tegan could tell. Yet, she smiled back just to clear up the heavy air. God, what happened to them? Everything was going great. She truly hated Sara's family. When Sara spoke of how insufferable they were, she took her words for granted. Perhaps her wife was too sensitive when it came to her family. She was sensitive as well when her grandmother criticized her. Family was always the weak spot they both held.
Stacy went to the bathroom to call Emy and explain to her why she needed to stay longer at Evelyn's place. "Babe, I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I gotta wait for her to go to bed so Evelyn and I could talk to Tegan about what I told you yesterday."
"Okay," Emy answered. "But when you're back, you're telling Ella how two women have sex."
"God." She sighed frustratingly. "Who the fuck told her about straight sex anyway?"
"Some kid at school, I told you." Stacy closed her eyes for a bit and sucked in her breath. Did she really have to be everyone's nurse, nanny, savior, babysitter, and caretaker? That job was getting too heavy. Evelyn could tell Tegan about Sara's secret alone, so why did she need her? But then again when did Evelyn take responsibility of anything in her life? She couldn't tell her daughter what a period was.
"Okay, Emy. Just don't say anything to her and put her to bed in time if I'm late." A knock on the door made her jump. "Sorry," she yelled. "I just need to wash my hands." She flushed the toilet even though she wasn't sitting on it just to hide the fact she'd been on the phone.
When she left, she found Sara there. Hopefully, she hadn't heard any of that conversation. "You're good, Sare?"
"Yes," Sara said. "I just need to pee and brush my teeth." Sara pushed her out gently.
"Honey, you don't have to stay with me. You can go to bed. I'll just talk to Tegan for a bit. Kinda reassure her you're all well and arrange Emy's birthday." She winked at her friend who absentmindedly nodded.
Evelyn poured three glasses of rose' for herself, Tegan, and Stacy. She excused herself to her bedroom to get the pictures she had stored safely in her dresser, right beneath her towels. Stacy had made sure Sara went to bed before sitting on the couch next to confounded Tegan. The babies went to sleep, too. Tegan had put them in their cribs right after dinner, and by the time Sara was in her pajamas and getting ready to get inside the covers, Scarlet was asleep and Rose was pacifying her own self with her thumb.
"Tegan," Sara whispered.
"Yeah?" She looked behind her at Sara in her pink pajama and combed hair pushed to the back. The face was fresh but her eyes were red and swollen. Tegan concluded she had cried when she was with Stacy.
"I'm sorry about yesterday," she whispered again, attempting to smile but her frown was stronger and meaner.
Tegan let go of Rose's head as she had been caressing her soft hair and moved toward her wife. She pecked her cheek gently and nuzzled her neck. "It's fine, baby." She kissed her neck before looking up into her gleaming irises. "I just wanna make sure you're fine."
"I am," Sara confirmed. "Stacy might talk to you about today. I'm not stupid. I know why she stayed."
"It's fine," Tegan mumbled. "Don't worry about it. Just sleep." Sara nodded and her wife tucked her in as she did their daughters.
Stacy indeed filled her in very quickly on what they had talked about while Evelyn was in the bedroom, but it wasn't what she needed to tell Tegan.
"We wanna…" Evelyn paused. She looked at the set of pictures in her hands. "I feel like you should…" She cleared her throat.
"Evelyn wanted to show you some pictures of Sara…old pictures when she was with Jack..umm pregnant and after she gave birth." Tegan's brows were furrowed in confusion. Why would Evelyn want to show her that. "We thought it's best we fill you in on what really happened and how Sara lost the child."
"What?" She chuckled uncomfortably.
"She doesn't remember," her mother-in-law said.
"Or maybe she does but doesn't want to admit it," Stacy added. "We really don't know, but we noticed whenever she told the story of her 'miscarriage,'" she took a deep breath and air-quoted the last word, "she kind of mistook the time?"
Evelyn lowered her voice more and pushed her face toward the two women. She was seated on the lounge chair right next to the sofa Tegan was seated on. "She mentioned she was in her third trimester to you?"
"Umm…yeah, but the beginning of it." Tegan was still confused.
"Yeah…no. That's…" Stacy sighed and pushed her head back. A tear rolled down her eyes. "She had a huge fight with Jack because she suspected he was cheating when she was six months pregnant. She was already tired that day. She used to clean to make herself feel better. He came back from work and they…"
"They had sex," Evelyn said. "That's what she told us then."
"Yeah, and then she looked into his phone and found some text messages of the girl he was with before he got home." Stacy sighed. She lost her mind and started yelling and breaking things in his house.
Tegan remained quiet. Her eyes squinted and her brows were furrowed. Sara had never told her that. She was aware of the fights, but not of that day.
"She slept on the couch and woke up bleeding," Evelyn continued. "She freaked out and told him. He took her to the ER and doctors advised she stayed in bed because she might deliver early." Tegan furrowed her brows some more.
"Look." Evelyn sighed, handing her the pictures. "Flip through them. There are plenty of her here." Tegan took the pictures but couldn't stop looking at the first one of her wife's bright smile and long hair with a huge bump. She was wearing a bright purple maternity dress that hugged her body well. Her mother was seated beside her. They both looked happy. "See, this picture was a few days before she actually gave birth."
Stacy put a hand on Tegan's. "Evelyn went over to stay with her for those months."
"Yeah. Jack called me and I went there to Washington to stay with her." Tegan changed the picture. It was also pregnant Sara with her belly uncovered. She was flaunting her bump with a raised top and hands on top of the swollen protrusion. Her breath got caught in her lungs. She had always known Sara had been pregnant one day, but she never thought about that fact because she hadn't ever encountered it. Somehow pictures made it all seem realer, as if she saw it with her own eyes. But why would Sara hide that? Sure, it hurt, but why wouldn't she mention her pregnancy continued? "The problem was that she would get herself angry whenever he came back late. He swore he wouldn't be cheating. She would pick up fights with me all the time. She would not listen when we told her to rest or take care of her pregnancy."
"She even used to curse at the baby," Stacy remarked. "Whenever I talked to her, she would say how much she wished she weren't carrying Jack's child."
Maybe that's why she hid the truth.
Probably that's why.
"She was very tired," Evelyn said. "She didn't say these things because she meant them, but she had the worst pregnancy. I knew for sure she was like me. I don't know how I was able to carry and give birth to her when all my pregnancies ended like hers. It's a family thing, I guess."
"She was bleeding for two days in her thirty-sixth week, right?" Stacy asked.
"Yeah." Evelyn nodded. "She had to stay in bed in the hospital because we couldn't do anything."
"Why didn't she have a c-section immediately?" Tegan asked.
"She had some complications," Stacy whispered. "They said that it might risk her life. They couldn't even induce her. Her water broke on the third day and finally she was going to give birth but because she was so weak and her blood sugar was low because of the excessive bleeding, they had to get her into an emergency c-section."
Tegan flipped through the pictures. It was Sara in bed, in the hospital, many tubes attached to her veins She looked anguished with greasy hair and a dead smile. She was still pregnant. "That's the day of the labor," Evelyn noted.
"But why did Alice die?" Tegan asked. I mean thirty-six weeks are good.
"Her heart," Stacy said. "Her labor continued for fourteen hours until they moved her to get a c-section." The baby was too weak with a bad heart…thank you so much shit Clements' genes." She rolled her eyes.
Evelyn changed the picture for Tegan. That one made her jump. Sara was holding a tiny infant in her arms. She had never seen Sara looking so disheveled and haggard. Dark circles covered her eyes and a purple hue covered her lips. Nevertheless, she had a hearty smile on her face, a happy smile.
"She wouldn't let her go for three days until her own health just…" Evelyn sighed.
"She literally fell into a coma because of the bleeding," Stacy continued.
The next picture was of her breastfeeding the infant. She seemed so happy, so satisfied, as if she had just won the contest of the best mother, just been told she had won the lottery, just been told she had achieved all that she wished to achieve.
"She could barely breastfeed, but she's hard-headed and insisted," Evelyn said.
The next picture was of her wife, Jack, and their dead child. The baby was so beautiful. She looked like her babies when they were just born. The eyes were closed the lips were pink. Why did she have to die and leave Sara with all that misery? How could Sara survive?
The picture after had Stacy holding her best friend. She looked too young compared to herself then. She was very thin and an innocent countenance smeared her features.
"She told me today that if she hadn't been in a coma, that wouldn't have happened to Alice because she would have taken care of her," Stacy was talking in a whisper, slowly, gently. "And nobody would have hurt her with such words like what happened yesterday." Tegan took a deep breath. Her eyes rained tears she had been locking for the past twenty-five minutes. "I asked her if she had ever told you about the real birth story and she said she did, but I know she hadn't. I still don't know why she hides it."
"To protect herself and her feelings," Tegan answered. "So she would direct the blame on Jack maybe." She shrugged. "Though she never told me she fought with him during the fake day of the birth she told me about."
"Yeah," Stacy nodded. "Maybe she really thinks it's a miscarriage and believes her own self-told lie." Tegan shrugged at Stacy's observation. "We wanted to tell you so you could understand what happened yesterday. Those feelings aren't her just being idiotic or shallow. It's the pain that she hides, those memories that hurt her." Tegan nodded. "Evelyn wanted to fill you in so that you would excuse her reaction and I agreed."
Evelyn wrapped her arm around Tegan's shoulder and warmly smiled at the younger woman. "Don't mention the pictures," she said, looking down at them. "She doesn't know I have them. I don't think she remembers them. I just thought it's fair I show you some of her past that she kind of erases. It's important you understand what happened to her."
"Absolutely," Tegan answered robotically. It changed nothing whether they told her about that or not, but it definitely made her feel more empathetic toward her wife. It made it all make more sense. She knew she would have lost her mind if that had happened to her. God, she truly hated Sara's cousin and her mother. "Why would Audrey and Narissa say that to her, though?"
"They're mean," Stacy said. "They like to hurt her feelings."
"Hurt my feelings," Evelyn added.
"It's always been like that. Nothing's new. We expected it." Stacy took a deep breath. "Plus. homophobia. They think their son gave his magical semen to unworthy homosexuals." Evelyn almost choked on her wine. "Sorry, I know those are your kids, but, please, they act as if his sperm is holy or something."
Stacy clearly knew more of the gossip that had been happening in that household regarding Adam's sperm becoming Sara's kids. Tegan didn't care and didn't want to listen. All she knew was that those kids were hers and Sara's and nobody else's.
She went to bed with tears in her eyes. She kissed her wife's cheek and cuddled up to her.