A/N: Here is the conclusion. Its been a pleasure writing this for you all. :)
McCord Family Home, Charlottesville, Elizabeth, Summer 2016
I'm watching the sun set behind the mountain that sits directly behind my property line. Susie's grazing in the pasture while Stevie brushes her down. The twins are playing on the swing set. I can hear Jason playing Halo, through the open window. And Allison is across the porch looking through college brochures. It's beautiful. I never quite believed I'd get here. Back to sharing a home with my family. Not that it's been easy getting here. There was a lot to work through and a lot of healing to do. But we did it, all of us putting in the effort and learning how to be a family again. And then choosing a new house right outside of an old town.
Henry's been an amazing rock. We clicked into place faster than both of us figured we would. Being with him was like riding a bike, I never forgot how to do it right, I just chose not to. We spent many late nights talking, the way we did in the beginning. We re-learned each other. And then, eventually we gained trust. Three months ago, I vowed to never break it again.
Elizabeth's Apartment, Pittsburgh, Elizabeth, Spring 2016
"I had a fun time tonight." Henry jokes wagging his eyebrows, as he walks me to my door. We've been back in each other's life for a year and some change, now. But tonight, was our first what I would call date. And I only say that because it's the first time that there was a dress and a dinner. No kids, just us and fancy restaurant. And then a walk back to my place filled with laughter and honesty and fun.
"Me, too." I tell him seriously. And his eyes brighten with his smile. He leans in and I meet him in a deep kiss, wrapping my arms around him and pressing our bodies together. His hands run softly and cautiously up my back.
"Come inside." I whisper to him.
"Are you sure?" His eyes are locked with mine. I pull him in for another kiss.
"Yes." I emphasize my consent with kiss, leading with my tongue.
We forego making any stops on our way to my bedroom. His touches are soft and delicate. But they are not unsure. We remember each other's bodies, even if I have new unseen scars. It's beautiful, romantic love in its purest physical form. We climb high together, the closest to heaven I've been since the last time we were together.
"I love you." I say as I lay my head on his chest in the afterglow.
"I love you, too." He means it, but his voice trails off as the doubt threatens to work its way between us.
"Please don't leave me again." He sounds ashamed to say it, like he wants to believe it's a crazy thought for him to entertain. But it's not.
"Never." I kiss his chest and hug my body closer to his.
"Promise?" He sounds surer now.
"I Promise." I give him his verbal conformation.
McCord Family Home, Charlottesville, Elizabeth, Summer 2016
The kids have all reacted in very different ways, after all they are five very different people. Stevie's anger was slow. She took a year off, against mine and Henry's advice, to go with us to Pittsburgh. As the oldest, she was the most understanding to the series of events that altered our lives. But once the waters were tested and she trusted that I was not leaving again, the anger exploded from her. I couldn't say anything to her without it being met with an argumentative rebuke from her. She did her best to play Henry and I against each other too. But I stuck it out, and kept reassuring her that I wasn't going anywhere again. And then, when we dropped her back off at Georgetown to start her third year, she was fine.
Georgetown University, Elizabeth, Fall 2015
My heart grows heavy as Henry and I walk back to the car. Henry warned me about this. He's done it before. But I'm not prepared, taking her back to school. I feel like I haven't had enough time with her, and that's my fault. I will never be able to get back to the time I missed. And we've been fighting so much.
"Mom wait!" I turn back to see her running out of her apartment building. And before I know it, my little girl is in my arms again.
"I love you mom. You know that right?" She says and I squeeze her tighter.
"I love you too. So, so much baby girl." I give her a kiss on the head. When she shows no sign of letting go, I know I need to send her off.
"I'll see you at Thanksgiving, okay?" I feel her nod. "Stevie, I promise. I will see you in two months."
"Okay." She lets go of our hug. And I watch her walk back into the building. But it's not until I'm back in the car with Henry that I let my tears fall.
McCord Family Home, Charlottesville, Elizabeth, Summer 2016
Allison, my sweet sensitive Allison. She's needed constant attention. Her anxiety manifested as a need to always know where I was and what I was doing. No matter how reassuring I was or how much time I spent with her I could not quell her fears that I was going to leave again. But on the Brightside it has given me the time to truly connect with her faster than I was able to with any of the others. She's so insightful and really understands herself and the world around her. She is truly the most amazing artist. She has taught me so much about the beauty of the world this last eighteen months.
Seton LaSalle Catholic High School, Elizabeth, Winter 2015
I can't believe she made this. I'm looking at one of the most beautiful paintings I've ever seen. It belongs in a gallery or a museum, not here in her high school gym. It's a woman in a white suit sitting a table. She's surrounded by shadowy figures in a desert landscape. This is the very first time I've ever felt truly connected to a piece of visual art.
"Wow, Noodle. Just… wow." I turn to look at her.
"Do you really like it?" She is looking at the ground her arms crossed.
"I love it Noodle." She looks up and smiles.
"I'm glad, because, it's… well it's a portrait of you mom." I look at the painting again. The woman in the white suit stares hard back at me, and I'll be damned, it is me. I put my arm around her and pull her close.
"It's so beautiful, Allie. Thank you." I swallow tears as we look on at the painting together. And when it wins the show, I embarrass her with my cheers, like any good mother would.
McCord Family Home, Charlottesville, Elizabeth, Summer 2016
Jason. The self-proclaimed anarchist, who values his privacy. He has done a lot of acting out since I've been home. There has been some partying issues, and grades issues. And for a while both Henry and I were lost on how to fix it. The only thing we could do was stick him in the room with a therapist, we couldn't actually make him talk to her. And the drinking scared me, I've been down the road of burying my feelings in substances. To fix it, I had to be honest with him about that. It was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had. But it set us all back on the right path.
Victory Pointe Arcade, Pittsburgh, Elizabeth, Spring 2015
I picked him up form therapy alone today. He made some smartass remark when he got in the car and I nearly lost it. So I brought him here, just me and him in place he likes. And hopefully I can actually get through to him.
"I know your upset." I start while we are on a racing game. I hope he is focused enough on beating me to not walk away.
"I'm not upset mom." He counters
"You are, Jase. And I get it. But I'm worried about you." I catch his eye roll. It's hard parenting teens, but I have come to find that you get used to the eye rolls pretty quickly.
"I just don't understand why I have to go." And I know he doesn't. I didn't get therapy at first either.
"I know, but if you don't like your therapist we can find another one." I offer.
"It's not that. Mom it was one party, okay. I said I wouldn't do it again." I want to believe him, but I know better. Time for some hard truth.
"Drinking won't make the hurt go away Jase. All it does is prolong it. Trust me, buddy I know." He wins the race before looking at me.
"How?" I reach into my purse and pull out my six year chip and hand it to him. He studies it carefully reading every word. When he looks back up at me he has guilt written on his face.
"I'm sorry I worried you. I won't do it again." I nod and hug him, for a quick few seconds anyway. We spend the next few hours competing. I win ski ball. He wins air hockey.
McCord Family Home, Charlottesville, Elizabeth, Summer 2016
Robert and Andrew. The two adorable little ones who have wormed their way right into my heart. They have been through something that no child should ever have to. Their mother is gone, alive, but gone. Watching them grieve has been hard. Watching the grief of losing a parent play out in real time has magnified the guilt I feel for leaving their older siblings. But they are resilient, just like their father. Henry handled all of their big feeling so well and parents them so instinctively. It's been amazing getting to know them, they have are true twins with a strong connection. Becoming their bonus mom, has been honestly easier than repairing my relationships with their older siblings. I was new person to them, there no shade of hurt between them and me.
McCord Family Home, Pittsburgh, Elizabeth, Fall 2016
"No! We want Elizabeth to read it!" I hear Bobby shout from his bedroom. I chuckle when Henry's hand pops out of the door holding a worn copy of The Lorax. It's the current favorite, I think between Henry and I this book has been read fifteen times in the last three days.
"They want Elizabeth." I enter the room making a faux smug face at Henry while I take the book from his hand. We read through the book, most of the words I have memorized at this point.
"Good night boys." I give each of them a kiss on the forehead. I turn on the night light.
"Love you Elizabeth." Drew tiredly mumbles, and my heart stops. It's a sudden jolt of a feeling when I look at them one more time my hand on the switch to turn off the big light.
"I love you both." I nearly whisper at the newness of the sudden onslaught of maternal love I have for these little boys.
McCord Family Home, Charlottesville, Elizabeth, Summer 2016
"Hey." Henry walks out onto the porch holding two cups of lemonade.
"Hey." He hands me a glass and joins me on the swing. I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. He wraps his arm around me and kisses my head as I snuggle into his chest.
"This is perfect." I tell him.
"Yes, it is." I hear the smile in his voice. And I close my eyes, cherishing the noise of summer and my family existing around me. It's beautiful.