Chapter 95, Chase it if you care-take it if you dare-
The next few weeks were rough for Gellert to say the least. The constant waves of grief made for an unpleasant and unstable companion, and one to which he wasn't particularly accustomed. Of course he'd grieved his losses while in Nurmengard, grieved his murdered dreams and hopes behind prison walls, but this was different. This was the loss of a single person who had meant much to him, combined with the nasty accompanying feelings of guilt and rage.
He kept himself busy out of a driving need not to simply sit and grieve. Though Blaise offered to call off the Builders for the moment, Gellert insisted that things go on as usual with the readying of the shop. As such, he and Blaise met the Builders each day at Enchanted Odds to oversee the work being done. The glass topped counters were installed first for displaying wares. Next came the modifications made to the back rooms that involved plumbing. Even with magic, plumbing could be tricky. Keeping his mind busy and distracted with readying the shop helped a great deal when it came to holding it together.
Mornings, just upon waking, were the worst. Whatever his sleeping mind did to restore itself made waking only to realize that she was well and truly gone forever a jarring twist in the heart. Having Blaise there to soothe him through it was what truly made it bearable. Losing Atsuko was a blow, but having equally important people to live for now, and a true soulmate to share life with made him need to reach forward rather than falling back to worse times. The family was very supportive as he dealt with his grief, being there when he didn't wish to be alone, and at other times,not allowing him to be alone for fear he become too depressed.
He always wanted Blaise with him, but Blaise didn't coax him out of his depression enough according to Sabra and Geo. Instead he merely remained with Gellert, during the active times as well as the passive ones when Gellert could feel more depressive. "Atsuko would want you to mourn her, but she would want you to be okay...not to beat yourself mentally to death over what happened," Sabra told him more than once.
"When grieving those we love, we must also respect them," Geo reminded. "She would want you to carry the good times in your heart, not the hurt and anger and bitterness, however understandable, over her loss."
Gellert knew they were right, but that knowledge didn't make the process easier.
"We didn't have much of a schedule for good times," he told Geo darkly. And how many good times had she had after his capture? Likely not many before Muggles killed her with their stupid need to war against one another.
"All the more reason she would want you to have them now," Geo countered.
"True," Gellert said. "She always wanted to slip out to go to some street fair to buy clothes, or to hear musicians play, even when I told her it wasn't safe," he recalled sadly. Perhaps he and Blaise should do that. Perhaps they should travel more before they opened their shop. They were on no time line, after all. He could do it in her honor. When he suggested as much to Blaise, Zabini was eager and willing. "I'm always happy to roam a bit more before doing the shop owner thing," he declared.
Gellert would've thought Blaise's eagerness to own a business coupled with his terror of committing to that much adulthood endearing if he didn't suffer from the exact same afflictions. The parents made a lack of responsibilities far too easy and comfortable, but neither he nor Blaise was about to complain over that.
"Where would you like to go," Blaise asked. The two lay cuddled together in bed, languorous and relaxed after a good long shag. During the shagging, Gellert always had trouble remembering his own name, much less that someone he loved had died. Afterward the world returned slowly, but it always returned. Having travel to think on and plan served as another pleasant distraction, though.
"I considered revisiting some of the places that made me think of her most," he replied thoughtfully. "For example, I wondered if revisiting Japan, where I first found her as a little Obscurial would help me to process...anything. It may and then again it may make things hurt worse. So I think visiting new places would be best. Seeing places that don't remind me of anyone...experiencing them with you should be healing." At least he hoped so. Blaise nodded, and Gellert smiled. He appreciated Blaise's constant ready support more than words could say. With that in mind, he showed the other man just how much he appreciated him without words.
They departed two days later. Their travels included some of the more posh wizarding spots in India and Brazil, and on Wolfgang's recommendation, Syria. Each place held its own history and magical culture from which the two enchanters drew inspiration. All of their days were full of magical exploration and taking in strange beautiful sites.
Some nights were tranquil and others were filled with bright lights, drinks and other enlightening substances that made it wonderful to be alive. Gellert made a point to swim in life...to relish every moment and every breath. He did so for himself and for Atsuko, because he knew she would want him to. He tried to see the sights and relish the experiences for her too, because she would've loved to travel for the sheer pleasure of it. At times he felt guilty for doing so now. At such moments Blaise would remind him, or he would remind himself that back then such was not feasible with a necessary rebellion in the making. "Had you paused the rebellion in order to travel with Atsuko, you certainly would've blamed yourself when the Muggle bombs took her out if they didn't do the same to you," Blaise reminded firmly.
Gellert sighed and nodded, because Blaise was exactly right. "You always tell me what I need to hear," he said. "I am sure you will have to do it again more than once, so thank you in advance." The two sat outside a cafe, enjoying the Brazilian night air as they shared a quiet dinner. The lush green scenery was peaceful, having a calming effect on the senses.
"That's what I'm here for," Blaise reminded gently, giving Gellert a warm smile. "I'm just glad I can help. Hell I can't imagine losing anyone I love that much."
Knowing the parents came to mind, Gellert nodded. "If I have anything to do with it, you won't, because I don't want to do this again." He lifted his wine glass and downed the contents, waving to a nearby waiter for a refill. It was nice, how he and Blaise always wanted to protect one another, Gellert thought. It added that extra layer of emotional armor for them both, and it was comforting even if neither had believed they required such before meeting the other. "I wish she could've met you," he said regretfully.
Reaching for his hand, Blaise gave it a squeeze. "So do I."
They remained abroad for the next six months. During those months they mostly partied hard and didn't think of much beyond some form of pleasure be it food, drink, pleasant sites, interesting magical foreign cultures and of course one another. As each day passed, things grew easier for Gellert when it came to handling his grief for Atsuko.
Eventually waking each morning didn't come with the accompanying realization that she was gone like a fresh daily stab to the heart. Eventually he could think of her without too much pain, and he did so less and less, though he knew she would always be a heavy regret on his heart. First and foremost, though, he lived, because she would want him to and because he wanted to. Grief was a cycle, but life was what everyone was in the world to experience. He'd earned it, and he took it all.