I listen to way too much Tom Lehrer. House points to anyone who pinpoints the references.
Harry Potter and the enforced speech
Cornelius Fudge had used blackmail to get Harry to appear on a podium endorsing him, by appearing at 4 Privet Drive after the owl threatening expulsion over the Dementor incident, promising that if Harry did so, his record of accidental magic would be utterly expunged.
"You see, my boy, as it's the third time, and as you've voluntarily competed in an adult competition, you'd be tried as an adult; nothing I can do, my hands are tied," said Fudge.
"So, does that mean I am considered an adult? Why is there still a trace on my wand, then?" asked Harry.
"Oh, no, my dear boy, it doesn't mean that you gain any privileges of being an adult, only the responsibilities," said Fudge.
Right.
Typical.
"You leave me little choice, Prime Minister," said Harry.
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"You should have waited for me to sort things out; I'm most disappointed in you, my boy," said Dumbledore.
"Yeah, well, you weren't there, and Fudge was, so I struck the best deal I could see," said Harry. He was working on his speech, using Shakespeare, certain British comedy series and films, and the works of Tom Lehrer.
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Harry stood up on the podium after a most boring speech by Fudge.
"We have all heard the prime minister, and of course he is a man of the world, whose understanding has to be more balanced and realistic than a mere schoolboy, or a mere schoolmaster, even a headmaster, who has never strayed out of the world of academe, his defeat of Grindelwald being, of course, a minor fluke achieved by accident. As to the return of Voldemort... why are you gasping, if I was mistaken and it wasn't him at all?... on the balance of probabilities, and after proper consultation, taking all things into account, and after an in-depth study, after mature consideration, it is highly likely that there's nothing in it either way. After all, our esteemed prime ministrone has sure and certain proof that I was under some kind of confundment strong enough to produce the symptoms of the cruciatus curse, and we know he is an honourable man, as are all his fellows, all of them, all honourable men, so let us bury Voldemort, not fear him. As our honoured leader always says, 'Nihil Expectore in Omnibus', no spitting in the Knight Bus! I can only add, 'Mors Comodentis eunt Domus!' I must say, since I'm a minor according to the Minister, I'm really not the right choice to fight any Dark Lords, therefore it wouldn't be my problem, anyway. I'll be focusing on my education and also be looking into transferring to another magical school far away with better security.
I would like to finish with the Hogwarts cheer: Hearts full of youth! Hearts full of truth! Six parts gin to one part Vermouth!"
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"Harry, I am disappointed in you for such a confused speech. Also in denigrating my part in the defeat of Grindelwald," said Dumbledore.
"Apparently, headmaster, you need to look up the word 'irony' in the dictionary," said Harry. "You didn't want me to endorse Fudge; and I haven't. And I have given the sheeple reason to question the didactic statement that Voldemort did not re-arise; you need to listen to what I said. Honestly, you're supposed to be clever."
"And I've never heard Fudge quote in Latin... I am sure it's not about spitting."
"It means 'nothing to be expected in everything' which sums up the ministry," said Harry, bored. "But as it's a quote from a movie, where the original was translated as 'no spitting on the public transport', it seemed appropriate.
"And what was that other Latin tag?"
"Those people that are the death eaters, they go the house."
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thanks to trickster for another brief addition