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CHAPTER 15

Slowly, I open my eyes, my lips breaking into a smile as I register that my head is lying on Severus's chest and his arm is around me protectively. I feel safe right now. Completely and totally safe. I'm in his chambers where no one can find us, and for this short moment, the war doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm here with Severus, and Voldemort can neither find me nor stop me.

But I don't think I have much time now, all things considered. Soon, I'll have to head to Malfoy Manor, and before I can do that, I have to get ready. So as gently and quietly as I can, I lift my head up and attempt to move away from Severus without disturbing him. My hair brushes his face, and I hold my breath when his nose twitches. Thankfully, it does not wake him. I pull the sheets off myself, my eyes resting on his bare torso for too long in the process of trying to get off the bed. Moving carefully and slowly, I slide to the foot of the bed to get away from his arm without disturbing him too much.

I pad across the stone floor, grab my things, and make my way into Severus's private washroom. I wish time could freeze time—if I could just live my life in this sort of quietness with him, this sort of calm where everything seems okay... But that's all for the distant future, I guess. If I make it that long, of course. Maybe someday I can have this sort of simple life.

When I enter his room again, he's still lying on the bed, but he seems to be awake. "I didn't disturb up, did I?"

"It's morning. I tend to wake up naturally."

I smile at him and lie on my back on top of the sheets where I had been before. "I was just checking." He locks his fingers together on top of his stomach. "I'm bitter that you're apparently gonna be lying in bed all day today while I have to go face the Dark Lord."

He smirks. "I'm a busy person. Sometimes I deserve rest."

A short moment passes before I finally force myself to say what I don't really want to say but know that I should. "Severus," I say quietly. He turns his head to look at me, and I do the same to look back at him. "I'll come back tonight, like always"—my voice is much shakier than I would have liked—"but in the morning, I would like to leave for just a short while to visit my father. It won't take long, and I know where he is, and—"

"What brought this on?" he asks softly.

"Bellatrix and I…don't really get along anymore, as I'm sure you're aware from the last time we were at the manor." He winces from some sort of phantom pain that echoes from the torture Voldemort inflicted. I roll onto my side to face him and cover his hands with mine, almost trying to offer another apology for causing him pain. "I just…I'm worried about him. I wrote him a letter, and he hasn't replied, and so I…I don't know. I just need to see him." For some reason, I'm tempted to reach out and touch his hair.

He watches me for a moment before saying, "I will Disillusion myself and Apparate you just outside the estate. You will need to be back to the gate by eleven so that I can Apparate back here with you."

My lips pull into a smile. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"I might have breakfast with him if I have the time. I really just want to see him. Would…would you mind pretending to be me at breakfast here in the morning? Maybe seeing me at a breakfast that I wouldn't normally show up to will throw some people off."

He nods. "I think I can do that for you." Without any sort of warning, he reaches over and plucks one of my hairs. I yelp in surprise, covering the place on my head that stings slightly, then laugh at both him and myself. Slowly, Severus begins to smile too. "For today, I'll wander around to let people see me. Didn't mean to frighten you."

"Yeah, you did." I slide closer to him and place my hand on his chest. "So you still have those robes you stretched out?"

"Yes. And I'll be sure to un-stretch them later."

"Good. Merlin knows you've ruined one pair of my robes already. I'm running low on extras."

"I did no such—"

"Did you expect me to keep the robes that you vomited blood on?" I ask with a smile. "I might have admired you back then, but I certainly did not care enough to keep the robes stained with your blood."

He grins smugly. "You admired me, did you?"

I kiss his shoulder, hiding my face from him, but don't answer.

Suddenly, he rolls out of the bed and walks to his bathroom. I lie there in silence for almost fifteen minutes before he comes back, fully dressed and seemingly ready for the day, and walks to my side of the bed. He offers his hand and pulls me upright and onto the floor. "Unfortunately, it's time for you to go to Malfoy Manor. With any luck, whatever Bellatrix wants to discuss with you will be quick and painless."

He eyes me expectantly. "Yes, I'll tell you what she says. Had that not been my plan, I wouldn't have shared her letter with you."

"Are you ready?"

"No." I slide my arm around his and take a short breath. I hate feeling like a child who can't be trusted, despite how right they are not to trust me.

Though I knew Bellatrix would be here upon my arrival, my body still turns cold when I see her standing there by the fire alone in the drawing room. Waiting for me.

At the moment, however, her back is to me. And I know I could run. I could do it. I could escape—no, actually, I couldn't. Because I no longer have access to my wand. Severus hands me a vial of something. "Drink this before you go to your meeting. He requested that you not have a reaction like you did last time. This will keep you calm." Then he bends down and whispers in my ear, "Try not to kill her." I regrettably release him, and he Disapparates, leaving me alone with my mother.

It's in that moment that Bellatrix turns toward me, her face difficult to read, her movements slow as she ventures toward me. "Aurelia," she whispers.

"Charlotte."

She pauses, and her eyes look down for a brief moment before meeting mine again. "I would like to speak with you," she says quietly, beginning to advance toward me slowly once more.

"You can say it from over there."

She slows down even more. "Aurelia," she says softly, "please." Sighing, I look away from her, and she begins walking just slightly faster, stopping only when she's wrapped her hand around mine. All too late do I realize that we are Apparating.

We end up in Lestrange Cottage.

Bellatrix leads me to the sofa and sits down with me. "Aurelia," she says.

"Charlotte," I say, yanking my hand out of hers.

"I've lost you, haven't I?" Her voice is a weak whisper, but I don't let it prick at my heart like it once did. "After all the progress I thought we made…"

"Madam Lestrange," I say professionally, just trying to antagonize her a little further, forcing myself to ignore the quiet sound of a beaten puppy that comes from her closed mouth, "we had made progress. Then you said you didn't care if I died. Then you sent my father to Azkaban. Then you tortured my friend in front of me. Then you drew me away so the Dark Lord could torture him more, and you attacked me while I tried to save him."

Covering her face with her hands, she bends over, using her elbows to prop herself up for a moment before straightening and turning to me. "But he's not there anymore! Your father is free! You can't keep holding that against me if he's no longer there!"

"The only way I would stop holding it against you, Bellatrix, is if you were the one who broke him out. And we both know that you weren't involved."

"And Snape has more than recovered with you as his bedside nurse," she spits, ignoring me completely. "Everything has been taken care of! Your father is free and Snape is alive! What more can you want?"

"You threw my father into that hellhole, one that you were intimately familiar with and have firsthand experience of how terrible it is! You helped torture my best friend! No, nothing has been taken care of! You're still a monster." I stand and move away from her. "Are we done here?"

"I know, I know," she says, "I shouldn't have—if only for your sake, I shouldn't have told the Dark Lord about Rodolphus because I knew he would be punished, and if only for your sake, I shouldn't have Cruciated Snape either." She stands and approaches me slowly. "I know that. But, Aurelia—"

"Charlotte."

"You have to believe me…Charlotte…" She almost gags on my name. "I had no choice."

"No. I have no choice. You have every choice in the world. You cannot keep saying that you don't have one when you so clearly do."

Her hands grab me. "You think I have a choice? You think I want to watch you die again? Do you think I've chosen to put my baby in the ground for a second time, knowing that I am responsible, knowing that I could have done more to stop it?"

"If you know you can do more, then do it!"

"Don't you think I am? Don't you think I'm trying to find a way to free you from death?" Her grip on me tightens, but the pain in my arms is almost more welcome than the pain in chest right now. "I'm doing everything I can to get you to safety, Aurelia, but I can't do that if it's going to incriminate Cissy and Draco. They're the first to get the blame and the punishment if you go missing. Them and Snape, that is. And I know you don't want that. We're trying, my love. We don't want to see you die."

"Who? Who's trying to stop this? Because I haven't seen any of it!"

"And that's the point. No one is supposed to know. How else are we supposed to get you out of this once you've had a baby?"

"Who is 'we'?"

She just shakes her head. "I'm trying to convince the Dark Lord of another path, but if that doesn't work…" She looks away from me. "I'm trying to save you." Her hands move to my face. "I'm trying. I cannot lose you again. And if you can just—just be patient, and we'll figure it out." She inhales. "And I don't hate you, Aurelia. I could never hate you." She kisses my forehead. "And you do deserve a mum who loves you as much as you love her. I do love you."

"You spoke with Narcissa."

"I don't hate you," she repeats. "I love you."

She pulls me into her arms, but I don't move to hug her back. "You're trying to help me?" I ask quietly.

"Yes."

Very slowly I reach around her and pull her closer to me, almost thankful that she's so persistent in trying to keep me in her life and to keep me from hating her. You can't keep falling for her. "Then there's something I need you to do for me, Mother."

"Yes."

"Convince the Dark Lord to give me my wand back. Please. I'm in danger at Hogwarts—certain students want to harm me, and without my wand I am defenseless."

"Take mine. I can find another."

"No. No, that wouldn't work if he found out. Convince him that I'm better off with my wand. I can still be watched closely by the Carrows and Severus. I won't be able to leave without their knowledge. But I need my wand. I need it. I need it—someone's already Cruciated me."

"Who dared—"

"It doesn't matter, it didn't last long because she didn't know how to do it. I just need my wand."

She takes a breath as if trying to calm herself. "I'll speak with him."

I breathe a sigh of relief and place my forehead on her shoulder. "Thank you," I whisper. "Thank you." Her hand comes to a rest on the back of my head, cradling me like a small child, and I find it comforting to be held like this by her. Despite everything she's done. Why am I so weak when it comes to her? "We should probably go back, yeah? Before he realizes you've taken me away from the manor?"

We Apparate to the drawing room, and I immediately sit down. An awful flash of Charity Burbage's murder sprints through my mind, followed by the slithering Nagini eating her meal. A shudder runs through me. I haven't thought about that in so long. I believe I'd almost forgotten. Now it's fresh in my mind again. I rest my head on the table and close my eyes in an effort to expel that thought from my mind.

It doesn't work. All I see when I close my eyes is the snake eating the dead woman. Finally, I give up, slapping the table in frustration as I stand and move away. Bellatrix watches me, and another thought crosses my mind. "Could you help me?"

A weak joy shines in her eyes. "Of course."

"Could you put me in a Bewitched Sleep and come wake me up later?"

This is obviously not something she wants to do. She probably thought I was going to ask for something far more agreeable. "One condition."

I narrow my eyes at her, leery of whatever this request might be. "Sure."

"Walk with me for a few minutes," she says.

I nod, and she leads me through the manor and to the dark basement. I ignore the hair standing on the back of my neck. The basement is lit with candles and torches, like the rest of the house, but there is an eerie feeling down here that I just can't get over. Probably because the last time I was down here, Severus was getting tortured. "Are you going to kill me?" I ask lightly.

"Aurelia!"

"Charlotte."

"I would never harm you."

That is so obviously a lie, considering our past, but I don't comment.

At the end of the stone hallway is a door made of wood and metal. Her door. Inside a fire heats the otherwise cold room, and I almost sigh with relief at its warmth and light. My eyes are drawn to the nightstand, and my feet carry me over there without my full consent, my hand reaching out to grab a picture frame. When did she get these? When did she put them here? The photo inside is moving. It's me with Rodolphus and Bellatrix. I was only a baby. I had light hair and dark eyes like my mother—like Bellatrix's eyes. I've changed so much.

I am in my father's arms. Bellatrix is standing close to him, her arm on his back. With her free hand, she has me wave to the camera. She and Rodolphus exchange smiles every few seconds, then look down at me.

With a shaking hand, I place it back down and pick up another. In this one, Bellatrix holds me in her arms and dances around with me, broad smiles on both of our faces. I force myself to put it back down as well. "This one is my favorite," I hear her say. I look over at her. She hands me another picture, one that is not in a frame.

"When was this taken?" I ask quietly.

"Not long ago."

My eyes feast on the sight that is my mother and I sitting in the garden behind Malfoy Manor, smiling at each other. "I didn't think anyone else was around."

"Draco gave it to me after he took it. I didn't know he'd been sneaking around."

This had been taken the day that Draco had taken me out on the lake. I hand it back to her, and she tentatively takes it and places it on the shelf. We're both silent.

"I know things are different now," she says, "but…on that day, we decided to spend the Easter holidays together. Do you remember?" I nod. "If—if you still want to, you are more than welcome to come here. You might not be able to spend the whole time here, but…"

Something in me snaps, and I can't stop myself from going toward her and hugging her. Maybe it was the pictures, maybe it was the fact that Draco had expected me and Bellatrix to be close, or maybe it was because somewhere, deep, deep down, part of me missed her. I'll never know why I went to hug her, but I will always remember the feeling when she held me tightly and told me that everything was going to be okay in a way that made me actually believe her.

I want her to survive this war. I want her to realize her mistakes. I want us to all be a family again. I just desperately want her in my life as my loving mother.

"The Dark Lord will allow me to spend the holiday here?"

She watches me for a moment. "After you had the panic attack and screamed about how it was my fault, he believes it is best that we repair our broken relationship."

I don't even care that this means she's doing this for him. Because I want my mother.

The two of us crawl onto the bed, and she lets me rest my head on her lap while she puts me under a Bewitched Sleep. As she casts the spell, she takes my hand in hers. That is the last thing I remember.

Beyond my retreat to my mother's room to recover after Voldemort's torture, nothing else that happened at Malfoy Manor really matters. Well, I mean, it matters, but not enough for me to dwell on because he didn't hurt me as much as normal because he was in an incredible hurry—he told me that he's still looking for my father and that if he doesn't find him soon, I'll suffer.

It's a little before midnight, after the potion has taken away all of pain, when Severus Apparates me back to his chambers. "I'm falling for it again," I say as soon as we come to a stop. He looks over at me, his eyebrows furrowed. "Bellatrix. I'm falling for it again."

"Falling for Bellatrix's…what, exactly?"

I sigh and collapse onto the foot of the bed, my legs swinging slightly as I try to put my fear into words. "Her kindness, I guess. She…she wants a relationship with me, Severus. She wants to save me from the Dark Lord. At least from death."

"Charlotte—"

"I want to believe her, Severus, I do. How am I supposed to reject that? She's my mother, and she wants to save me and have a relationship with me."

"She's a Death Eater—"

"So are you."

"—who loves nothing more than to serve the Dark Lord. While I believe she would like to have a relationship with you, she loves nothing more than she loves the Dark Lord."

"You're not listening," I say. "She's trying to help me escape him. She wants me to live—that's what she wanted to talk to me about. Is that not defying him? She's defied him before for me." He grimaces. "She came to you, Severus, after changing my memories. She came to you and asked you—begged you—to return my memories to me. She was punished greatly for her failure, but she asked you to do it anyway. Because she knew you would. She defied him for me, Severus. For me. If…if she wants to be my mother again and wants to help free me, shouldn't I let her?"

"Charlotte…" He walks toward me and takes my hands, then crouches down before me. "You shouldn't put your faith in her like that. Yes, I would love for you to have her. I know how much it hurts you that you don't, but I don't know if you should trust that she'll actually abide by her word and try to help you. She…she's… Bellatrix has failed you on more than one occasion, and I don't want you getting too hopeful." I close my eyes and take a breath. He's right, of course. Bellatrix has turned her back on me, tortured me, hurt my friends and loved ones. I exhale and open my eyes once more. He watches me closely, his black eyes soft. "Promise me, Charlotte. Please do not put too much faith into her."

I reach up and put my hand on his face, a weak smile on my lips. "I promise, Severus. I won't get too attached to the idea of her being in my life."

He nods. "And if there is a way to get you out of this alive, Charlotte, know that I'll find it. We'll save you."

"She's trying to do that too."

He dips his head but refuses to comment on that. I give him a slight tug to urge him to his feet. "But I guess, between the two of you," I say, directing him to sit down beside me, "I have absolute faith in you to find a way to save me. If anyone can, it's you."

"Are you trying to flatter me?"

I shrug. "I don't know, is it working?"

He tilts his head, his eyes somewhere on the wall, making a face as if he's actually thinking about my question. Then he breaks into a smile. "I think it might just be, shockingly."

"Who would have guessed that Severus Snape would like to be flattered?"

"You can't tell anyone. Not that they would believe you anyway."

I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. "It's surprising, actually," I say, "for me to think that at one point our conversations ended with shouting and casting spells at one another. Remember when I Stunned you?"

"Remember when I locked you up in the potions storeroom?"

"Or that time you locked me up in your creepy basement?"

"Or when you threw that shoe and hit my head, or brought me cold soup, or brought me Dark Mark candies?"

I smile, my issues with Bellatrix almost completely forgotten. "What about that time I caught your kitchen on fire while trying to cook and then Narcissa caught us arguing about it?" Severus starts to laugh quietly, and I lock my fingers through his. "I'm glad we're past all that."

"It might still be risky to let you cook in my kitchen unsupervised," he comments.

"You'll just have to help me from now on. Because when we're on the run from the Dark Lord—"

"We're going on the run?"

"Well, when he finds out we're fucking, I don't think we'll have any other choice. Besides, what else are we supposed to do if I get pregnant? Sit around Hogwarts or Spinner's End and pretend that I'm not?"

"We'll go on the run then."

"Yes, and when we're on the run, I'm gonna want real food, not just sandwiches and such. Just saying."

"Then we'll keep working on our collective cooking skills so we don't starve."

"That's really all I ask." He smiles at me, and I smile back.