Soft Is (Not) Weak

by BardInTheForest

(Pax Ikari vol IIIS) Shinji, during the Evangelion story, comes across a woman that has different ideas regarding his potential and his current living situation. While navigating the trials of standing on the cusp of adulthood, the fight against the Angels, and his first year in a public school, he will be forced to find his place in the broader universe.

38. Chapter 38

+++++ Ikari Manor. Wednesday, +22.

It had taken a few hours, but every woman with a tie to Shinji's heart had spent time with him to remind him that he was loved and to accept his love in return. During that time, plans had been drawn up to bring Misato and Asuka more fully into their confidence. Sitting in the conservatory, the shades pulled enough to not overheat the room in the afternoon sun, Shinji had Maya Amano sitting on his lap with her legs tucked beneath his as a number of conversations happened without his input. Everyone there knew his innate introversion, and the women that would arrive would tax what energy he had greatly, so it was felt to be better to conserve that energy for when it was needed.

Holding Amano close, he listened to her whisper things that she'd been up to since the last time they'd spoken. He listened as she discussed a strange 'game' she wanted to try, to see if she could summon a spirit. He listened as she discussed the pain that was their calculus assignments. He listened as she griped through her frustrations with Hikari 'helping her' not be so lazy. He listened, and blushed, as she described the things she was going to do with him the next time they were alone. With the way his body reacted, she now knew that he was perfectly interested in some of those things as well. What earned her his best effort in that future scenario, however, was the way that she hopped off his lap and skipped over to subsume Rei in a hug as the bluenette arrived with Misato, Asuka, and Maya Ibuki. It warmed his soul to know that Amano's affections and desires included giving Rei the friend she'd never been allowed to have.

Standing up from the seat he occupied, he greeted his guests. "Thank you for coming…and I am sorry that so much has had to be kept from you." Inclining his head, instead of bowing, at Misaki's request, he gestured towards a couch that had been left unoccupied for the two 'visitors'. "Please, this might take a bit."

With a shrug, Asuka flounced over and tossed herself onto one end of the couch. "So. How many of them are like her?" Pointing towards Ansuz, she made it clear that trust would be at a premium for the moment.

"There is no one like Ansuz," he answered honestly. "If you're asking who here is not human, more than a few…myself included."

Misato scoffed, sitting down and glaring at Shinji. "Bullshit. You're as human as they come. Your mother was human, your father is…well he's an asshole, but he's still human. Human plus human still equals human."

Carefully extending the dozen Wings he had now, he looked at her with a regretful smile. "From what I understand…distinctions like that are flexible."

"Hey, wait," Asuka snapped her fingers, gesturing between him and Ansuz, "why are yours different than hers? Is it because you were a human first?"

"It's more because of how mixed up he has become in universal politics," Hild declared, walking through a portal into the room with Verðandy and Urðr in tow.

Misato's eyes went wide, trying to make sense of how Hild had managed to enter the room through a window without breaking it or opening it. "What…ok, let's go ahead and start back at the beginning, shall we? What the fuck is going on?"

Walking over to him, Urðr looked him up and down with an oddly sad cast to her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered. "For stopping people from hurting my baby sisters. We'll talk later, once the normies are out of here." Patting him on the chest, she moved over to Skuld, picking the youngest Norn up and placing her on her lap as she sat down.

Relaxing his wings, Shinji scratched one cheek and began relaying the story of his life. Skipping over most of Nagano, he spent the bulk of his time speaking on the past three weeks. Meeting the Juraians, then meeting the Aesir, then how a small relationship with Nanako and Minaho quickly snowballed into a massive relationship where he served as the 'Captain' of Jishin and crew. He made certain to linger long enough to explain the 'why' of each relationship, making it clear that there were no 'hangers on' and that everyone was free to leave at any time things no longer suited them. He gave a brief demonstration of the System Force, a brief demonstration of what the Light Hawk Wings could do, and then summed everything up by saying, "Again…I apologize for keeping this from you. I was asked to, so that everyone would 'act natural' and allow the Earth to be tested. If my life had been impacted by only the Jurai Empire, you likely wouldn't know any of this until after the decision had been made whether to admit Earth into the Empire. If all I had met had been the Aesir, I would have lived out my life as normally as possible without having to worry too much about anything at all. But I've ordered a tyrant killed. I've destroyed Adamites. I've kept this world from turning into a battleground as much as I can…and while I apologize for keeping it from you, I do not apologize for doing what I can to keep the damage to a dull roar."

Misato was seated with her back slouched down against the back of the couch. With one hand resting against her mouth, she was clearly analyzing the room with new eyes. Dangers everywhere. Dangers that she doubted she could counter to keep humanity alive. The world had become even more frightening, and the only hope of salvation for humanity that she saw was an unassuming young man that served as the sovereign co-ruler of three different groups of powerful aliens.

Unlike Misato, Asuka was leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and her gaze locked on Shinji. "Ok. So let me see if I have this straight. For political purposes, you are married to a whole bunch of women." He nodded, she continued, "You have the power to destroy damn near anything thrown at you, and the power to 'wish' for things to happen." Again, he nodded. "And you kept this from us, because our planet is undergoing two trials at once?" Rocking his head slightly side to side as he did so, he nodded. "If I agree not to hold this against you, will you agree to grant me…three wishes?"

Funaho attempted to intercede, "Child-" Stopping when Shinji held out a hand, she eyed him sternly.

"I want to hear her wishes. She is smart enough to know that I won't give her anything that would hurt anyone." Keeping his eyes on hers, he used the same hand to encourage her to put voice to them. "I will not promise anything, but I am willing to listen to what it is you're asking for…since you are also a part of saving the world."

One side of her mouth curled up into a smirk. "I want an indestructible original copy of Iron Maiden's 'Powerslave' album." She held up one finger. "I want an indestructible original print of Die Traumdeutung." She held up a second finger. As she gave her third wish, her smile faded and her hand fell into her lap. "And I want you to cure me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know that something is wrong. Ever since she," her head tipped towards Ansuz, "called me out, I've spent all night and now day fixated on trying to find a way to ask someone…anyone…what's wrong with me. Why I can't trust anyone. Why I can't let someone be better than me at something. Why I have to take every simple poke and prod as some sort of universe-ending assault on my honor! I want to be normal. I want to make friends and not…enablers. I want to know that my thoughts are my own."

Ritsuko lifted a finger, offering what she felt was a reasonable solution, "Perhaps a psychologist?"

"They'd diagnose me, but they'd never fix me," Asuka shook her head. "To say nothing of the fact that I'm well aware of the problems, I just know that all they'll do is shove medicine in me and say that dealing with the symptoms is enough. I watched it happen all the time back home. Someone would go in, trying to deal with stress, or depression, or suicidal ideations, and they'd be prescribed medicine that would take the spark of life from them. They'd shuffle through the day, not living…not dying…. No. I want to be me, just without the stupid fucking burden of this bitch in my head making my life miserable by sniping at everyone around me."

Letting the request, the actual request, roll around in his mind for a bit, Shinji looked over to Frigg. "Can it be done?"

"Fairly easily. What she is speaking of is an imbalance of chemicals in her mind, and a lifetime of not receiving proper treatment for it. The question you should ask, is will she seek the help she needs after you've put those chemicals to rights?" With an indifferent shrug, she added, "You should not take away the traumas of her past, as that would destroy who she is. But you can grant her a future free of further traumatization…so long as she agrees to seek help for her past. Ansuz was not wrong in that she needs it."

"Two days a month," Maya Ibuki offered. "You spend two days a month with me, going through your past and getting your head right. I will not prescribe you medication you do not want, but I will assign you homework to complete. You swear to me you'll do that, and I'll convince my boyfriend to fix your brain."

"Do you want me to cut my thumb open and put a print on a document, or will you just take my word for it?" Asuka laughed, astonished that her request was being seriously considered.

"Blood pacts are so cliché," Hild stated languidly. "We'll just curse you and be done with it. If you break your word, it won't feel very nice."

Now turning back to Funaho, Shinji let the obvious question hang between them. With a disapproving frown, she nodded in response. "Yes. It is a part of who you are as well. While I would prefer to attempt a less…politically fraught solution, I do understand that you wish to help her so that she can help us."

Bowing to his soon-to-be wife, he agreed, "She is one of three of us. I need her at her best, ready to hold up the sky if I-"

"You die on me, and I'm going to kill you," Asuka declared. "You're right, there are only three of us. We can't afford to lose any of us. I don't want you thinking you can slack off just because you fix me, ok?"

"I don't know," Nanako chuckled, "I'm starting to like her. Let's give Shinji a chance."

Now with broad approval, he turned to look to Ansuz. "Ok…how do I do this without breaking things?"

"You don't," she stated flatly. When he began to scowl, she held up a hand to ask for patience. "You let me do it. The mind and soul make us who and what we are, and I would sooner ask a toddler to perform a heart surgery than ask you to muck about in someone's brain without several thousand years of practice under your belt."

Missing Asuka's eyes go wide, Shinji's face grew penitent. Bowing now to his wife, he intoned, "As you say. I apologize for jumping to conclusions." Standing back upright, he asked, "Would you?"

"I already did it, husband," Ansuz scoffed. "The decision was made, I simply prevented you from making the situation worse through kind intentions." Looking over to Asuka, she lifted one eyebrow. "Well?"

"I…this…." Her jaw quivered, and tears began to flow down her cheeks as she fled the room.

"I'll take it from here," Maya Ibuki announced, standing up and following after. "This has to be a lot to handle." Accepting Shinji's hand as she walked past, she winked at him when he squeezed gently in gratitude.

Misato had been watching Shinji's face, looking for those billboard-sized hints to his inner thoughts that she'd become accustomed to seeing. When, instead of satisfaction or contentment, she saw pain and hope, she blew out a long sigh. "Shinji, are you actually happy like this?" She gestured around the room, indicating the women within it. "Because it's seeming to me, more and more, that you're just going along with the flow of things. That you're here because you don't want to upset anyone."

With a shrug, Shinji gave the only answer he could, "I'm here because I trust everyone here. I question my right to be here all the time, but it's impossible for me to question the answers I receive from them. Sakura loves my kindness, Nanako loves my drive, Misaki loves my honesty…if everyone here loves me as I am, and chooses to be here despite what I have to do, then I have to trust that they see something in me that can make this insanity work."

"That's still a non-answer," she challenged. "Is this going to make you happy?"

"Nothing in this world will make him happy," Ritsuko replied for him. "All we can do is present him with a situation and hope that he enjoys it. So far, he's enjoying it…in between being killed."

"I'd rather hear that from him."

Ansuz's voice carried firmly over multiple others, claiming primacy, "And he would rather not lie to you by saying that it will or won't make him happy. He knows, now, that he will have as long as he wishes to find what will and won't make him happy. Most, including him, of the women in this room are already practically immortal. Those few that are not will likely be made so, should they desire. One would imagine that through the endless ages he'll find himself, and our desire to give him both that time and the support he needs to grow is why he is not afraid of risking disappointment to discover the greatness we see in him." Keeping a level gaze on Misato, she added, "If you want to offer him something, offer it. If you don't think you can, let it die. The last thing he needs is someone who should be supporting him in his voyage of self-discovery clouding his mind with needless doubts."

"One would figure that you would think he needs more voices offering him their opinions, rather than fewer." Misato looked back to Shinji. "You shouldn't let the fact that you've had sex with-"

"Sex barely matters to him." This time, it was Verðandy that spoke up. "In his deepest of souls, it's a way to give happiness to someone he cares for. He is far more concerned about the impact it has on us. You speak of him as if you have any greater insight than the table or couch, when you lack even the mildest of fundamentals beyond surface level observations. For as much progress as you have made since we first met, you still have yet to step out from behind the blinding shade of your own insecurities. He is not 'ordinary', nor is he an exemplar of the male gender of your culture. He does not view us as things, objects. We do not view him as a road to an easy life. Our work will be grueling, our pay meagre, but each of us will see heights otherwise impossible through our efforts. We dare to see farther than others, he dares to trust that his love will be repaid tenfold." Fixing her eyes on the woman she was growing tired of, she concluded, "You…need to stop demanding answers that he has yet to find himself."

Partly to vie for peace again, and partly to back up one of the women he cared for, Shinji nodded. "I don't know if this is what will make me happy. I don't know what is specifically holding me back from being happy either. I don't…worry about the fact that I've had sex with most of them, so much as I worry that I'm being fair to them. They would say that I give myself to them, I would say they give themselves to me…the truth is probably somewhere between those two." Shrugging, he tossed his hands up slightly. "This is the path I'm walking. I am going to trust the wisdom and experience of my crew, I am going to learn to control the power I have…and the power I'll come to have…and once the last three Angels are dead I'm going to spend all of the time I'm not learning to be a danger to others learning other things. Math, language, history, science…stuff like that."

"I worry that you're going to come to regret it," Misato offered softly.

A sad smile crossed his lips, along with a sense of gratitude that she cared. "I worry that I would regret not giving my best effort. They…you deserve nothing less than my best." The discussion wasn't going to go anywhere useful from now, and his stomach was starting to growl. Standing, he clasped his hands and planted his flag on the hill of the best idea that came to mind. "Let's get something to eat. We just beat three Angels, we're all still alive, and Asuka just got something she's wanted for a long time. If that's not reason enough to celebrate…I don't know what is."

"I'm sold on food," Nanako backed him up, slapping her hands against her knees and raising to her feet. "I'm thinking ramen and sausages."

"You're always thinking ramen and sausages," Hikari teased, gaining her own feet and moving behind Sakura to wheel her out of the room to the kitchen. "But it's easy to make, and we have enough stock for everyone. Rei-chan, Maya-chan, would you mind helping us?"

After Amano helped Rei stand, the bluenette whispered something to her friend before declaring, "I would like a moment to speak with Shinji in private. I believe he needs to hear something, before I say anything to someone else."

Ritsuko soothed Misato's irritation, urging her towards the dining room. Several of the other women resolved into their cliques before moving in the same direction. Soon, the room had been left to Shinji and his fellow pilot, with a long gap between the two of them that he suddenly worried about crossing. "Rei…is everything ok?"

"I spoke with your mother." While the combination of those words would not typically be cause for world-shattering revelations, in this instance it caused a noticeable wince in the man hearing them. "Her spirit sits within Unit-01, acting as the mediating force between the Evangelion and pilot." Now she watched his brow furrow, anger and patience vying for control. "She…helped me understand myself. Helped me see what it is that I am."

"You're Rei," Shinji declared with some amount of heat. "A great pilot, a wonderful partner, a beautiful woman, and a brilliant student. I know you may not be a 'normal' human, if that even exists, and I don't care. You're you."

"I am also a hybrid. Part human, part Angel."

"And I'm an immortal with access to three different wells of power, in addition to being one of three people able to pilot Evangelions. You're still Rei, I'm still Shinji." Crossing his arms, he raised one eyebrow at her. "You aren't convincing me to stop loving you."

Her ruse pierced, she looked down and sighed slightly. "The RNA used to create me…the original me, not the clone you see before you, came from your mother." As the silence went on, she began to both fear and hope that he finally saw the issue facing them.

Shinji's mind produced a flash of memory. A bright light enveloping his mother, her empty protective suit floating in a sea of amber. "What happened to…uh, the first you?" The worry and sympathy in his voice was not what she'd anticipated.

Blinking, a touch of confusion blossoming in her, she looked back up at him and saw the emotions she'd recognized in his tone reflected on his face. He was not 'upset', or 'disgusted'. He was starting to hurt for her. "I…do not know. I can't remember."

"But…they cloned you. Brought you to life to…what? Test whether they could?"

"I am a clone of-"

"No, you're you," he motioned that off. "I don't understand the basics of our Philosophy class, but even I managed to understand what Washu was meaning with the 'I think, therefore I am'. We are who we think we are, as we think we are, when we think we are. That's why everyone gets on me about calling myself stupid, and it's why I'm going to get on you if you try to hide behind the fact that you are a copy of…what, my sister? Were you older than me? How does that even work?"

"The…first, to use the phrasing that you desire, was created a year after your mother's passing. I am a clone of her, the second to be called 'Rei'."

His head bobbed slowly, the concept still winding its way through his inexperience. "So…ok, they took stuff from my mother, mixed it with Angel stuff, and…created her."

"Yes."

"Then, she died and they cloned her, creating you."

"Yes."

"Are you…physically different from her?"

"I am much older."

"But otherwise the same." With one hand rubbing his head, he looked at her with minor irritation. "Rei, I get the feeling you're upset about this but I can't figure out why. You're not my mother, you're certainly not my sister if you were born after she died, and the fact that you're partially an Angel matters very little to me. You're you. You're the woman who bought me as much time as she could, more than once, to do my job. You're the woman who's faced death with me, time and again. I don't look at you and see anything more, different, or disturbing. If the fact that you're a clone bothers you, let's talk to the rest of the crew and see how best to get you help. If the fact that they used something from my mom bothers you, maybe just spell that out for me instead. I can probably grasp that much, with help."

She blinked, now fully surprised to see a reaction she hadn't considered. "We…are related, to a degree."

"A lot of people are related. I mean, considering the way that Washu explained genetics to me the other day, everyone is related somehow. Everything had to start somewhere, and anyone who was born human probably shares some relation. Half my mom, half-Angel, at most would mean that you're only half my sister. But I know that genetics don't work that way, because Maya, Ibuki not Amano, said that the little connector bot things in us only work within the same species. A human and a dog can't have a…baby…puppy…thing. So that means they had to do more stuff to your genetics to get it to work. Kind of like how the Evas work, with the…my mom is consciously aware inside of Unit-01. Ok, talk to Rits about that later." He shook off the distraction, prioritizing Rei. "Anyway, if you're a third my sister, biologically, then you're closer to my cousin."

"Does it not concern you that I have a blood relation to you?"

"No. Why would it?"

"Because we…share intimacy."

Too irritated to block it, he snorted out a laugh. "I can change reality by misusing a single word, summon energy swords from some 'higher dimension', and pilot an enormous mech…and you think I give a shit that someone who is the clone of a hybrid created using my mother and alien life is willing to 'share intimacy' with me?" This time, he barked out the laugh. "Rei, I think this might be the first time I actually understand something better than someone else: I live an incredibly fucked up life. If the most screwed up thing is the fact that my cousin is smoking hot and willing to love me despite my flaws? I think I'll be doing A-OK." His stomach growled again. "Let's talk to Washu later. We'll tell her what you've found, she'll help us understand it better, and I'll have food in me."

+++++ Ikari Manor. Wednesday, +22.

For most of the dinner, Asuka had remained silent. Watching as Shinji was shared about by the different cliques within the larger group, measuring the time he spent listening and speaking to them, observing as those antagonistic groupings willingly handed him off socially to a group they were personally opposed to. Each time there was a lull, a pause, or just a brief moment between shared misery, shared laughter, shared sorrow, or shared joy, he would glance at her with a cautious smile. She felt, more than heard, the hope that he radiated…for her. He wasn't worried about how she was doing because it would impact him, he was worried about how she was doing because she had not been doing well and he knew that. He knew. He knew that she needed help, knew that she needed a purpose. He knew.

Again, his eyes shifted past her. Again, they hesitated briefly. Again, the edges of his lips curled upwards ever so slightly.

He wasn't looking at her as a burden. He wasn't looking at her as a drain on his reserves. He wasn't waiting for her to make one mistake so that he could pounce on her and berate her, or rub her face in her humanity, or lord his superiority over her. His tiny smiles were invitations to stand beside him. To look at the world from where he stood. To stare up at the stars above and learn more about the tiny world they protected together. The longer she listened, the more she absorbed, the deeper her understanding grew of the absolutely bizarre young man she'd once thought nothing more than a beneficiary of nepotism.

He stood, reaching across the table to pour more water into her glass. A glass she hadn't noticed had become nearly empty.

Still she watched. Still she listened. Still she learned. She had been given one of the finest educations in the world. She had been tutored by post-graduates, educated by professors without peer, tested by experienced professionals in real-world situations. The staggering depth and breadth of the subjects he knew absolutely nothing about would have set her teeth on edge had she tried to have a conversation with him on any subject she chose…not an hour earlier. Now that she was actually listening and not just hearing, she began to realize how much wisdom he had gained in such a short period of time. He knew, innately understood, that every person in the room with them was going through some form of struggle. That they were fighting their own wars, internally or externally. That he could help, or hurt, with a brief comment or touch.

This time, when he looked at her, he made a tiny face. He'd barely avoided being forced to choose between two people's ideas.

And there was the crux of everything. Where ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine-bar percent of all humanity would have used the position he occupied to benefit themselves in some way, shape, or form…he never even thought to try. She'd pushed him to grant her those three wishes to see what he would do, when whatever he did would net him absolutely nothing. She'd set a trap for him. And like every other little stupid thing she'd done in her life, the trap backfired spectacularly. He'd proven that he was the real deal. He'd proven that he, unlike her, was truly selfless. He'd listened to the voice of wisdom and let someone else perform the task. He'd looked for help without a hint of pride. He'd given her everything she'd wanted and asked for absolutely nothing in return. He held no leverage on her. She could walk out of this house, into the night, with one of her favourite albums and a book she'd wanted for a decade…and he would just let her go.

Without looking, he snagged another of the sweets she'd enjoyed and slid it onto her plate.

Lieutenant Ibuki had told her of his past. Of the trauma, the torture. While she had been in Germany eating some of the finest food in the world, he had been in Nagano subsisting entirely off of bread, rice, and water. While she had been learning from masters, he had been taught enough to know what was expected of him and nothing more. While she had been taught the violin, he had cleaned a house from top to bottom every day. While she had been showered in respect and adoration, he had lived in darkness. While she had thought to stand above him…he had reached out to her in the hope that they could save the world as equals.

"No, no," he disagreed with someone on a point she hadn't heard, "I want to see the fight first." He smiled widely at her.

How did she respond? He'd threatened to throw her off the catwalks because she'd had her head lodged up her ass. He'd told her that she was valuable. That she mattered. He'd saved her life when she'd almost choked to death after rushing headlong into a trap…and that wasn't even including the time he dove into an active volcano without protective armor for her. "It…was something of a team effort." That was safe, right? "Having a dance partner as talented as Ayanami made it a lot easier." The point drifted away from the topic, her response having apparently made him overtly happy. That happiness…felt good. For the first time that she could remember since her mother had…. Clenching her eyes shut, she focused on the feeling that she'd experienced seeing him smile just then. They'd both lost their mothers. They'd both been given a shit hand. He wasn't shutting down every time he thought about his mother, so neither would she.

"Are you ok?" This time, his voice was pitched in a way to carry to her alone. "Headache? There are a lot of people talking."

Even now, he notices and reaches out. "No, no," she echoed him. Opening her eyes and hitting him with her most practiced smile, she repaid his concern with gratitude. "Just a stray thought. One of those memories where you think to yourself how stupid you were for acting in a certain way."

Empathy colored his features. "Oh yeah. I hate that so much! You're sitting there, you're minding your own business, and all of a sudden your brain just hits you with, 'Hey, remember that time you tripped and face-planted over absolutely nothing?' Then, that's all you can think about!"

Her laugh, just as practiced as her smile, was tuned to cause him joy. "Right? Ugh, the human mind loves tormenting itself so much. It's a wonder we've survived as a species sometimes."

"Benefit of teamwork, I think," he added thoughtfully. "How are you feeling? I mean, other than that stray thought. That's obviously not so great…but with, you know…the changes."

Like for the first time in my life I'm able to hear a question like that and not automatically think that it's an effort to get something from me? "If I had to sum it up in a word, I'd say 'quiet'. I've never had my mind be so still…it's nice." When, instead of saying anything, he just nodded in sympathy and let her think, she had the urge to pull him across the table and hug him. "I'm sorry…for being such a bitch."

"Huh? No, no, no." He waved emphatically with both hands. "You had a lot going on. New situation, new expectations, new team, it's…no, I'm not going to dwell on what happened before. You wanted to succeed, and it had to be frustrating to not have all the pieces of the puzzle. In your place, I'd be angry too. I'm just glad that whatever it was that was…you know, bad? Wrong? I'm glad that Ansuz was able to make your brain work with you, and not against you. You deserve to be who you want to be, and not what bad brain chemistry was making you be. If that makes sense…ok, I'm rambling…sorry."

It's easy to see why they love you. "How are you? Climbing out of an Angel can't have been fun." As strong and pure as the joy she'd been feeling felt, the terror when his eyes dropped to his plate as if to destroy it by pure will horrified her. "I-"

"Have you ever felt," he interrupted without knowing she'd attempted apologizing, "that people look at you as if you're a thing and not a person?" With his eyes still on the plate, unaware that everyone had stopped speaking, he blew out an angry sigh. "I realized, inside of the Angel, that I've been asking myself the wrong question. That I'd been asking the same question that everyone had been asking me. 'What am I?' Like I'm a 'what' and not a 'who'. A weapon, instead of a man." Leaning back against his chair, he let his gaze go back up to hers. Pain and discomfort, instead of anger, now dominated his eyes. "If you asked what I do, I'd say that I'm a pilot and a student. But if you ask what I am, it becomes far too complicated. I'm a husband, a friend, a lover, an enemy, a pilot, a student, a survivor, the list goes on and on and on. People don't want complicated, though. They want a simple answer to a complicated question. The Angel wanted a simple answer, and that's when I realized what was wrong with the question. I'm not a 'what'. I'm not some…easily defined list. I'm Shinji Ikari." At that, he smirked ruefully. "And apparently that was too complicated for the Angel to keep hold of."

There was the missing ingredient. The thing that made him who he was, despite all the power at his disposal. When he looked at her, at anyone, all he ever saw was the person before him. No caricatures, no posturing, no stratifying. "That doesn't seem like a terrible way to live your life, if you ask me."

"We should all be so fortunate to know ourselves that well," Ritsuko spoke into the silence that followed. "The next step on the journey to self-understanding is determining who you want to be, in the future."

At that, the broader conversation began on paths revolving around the topic of psychology and psychiatry. Something Asuka knew she could add to without issue, and something she knew Shinji could not. Where, even an hour before, she would have tried to impress him and everyone else by flexing her education she instead chose to join her new patron and friend in listening to others. In learning about the 'who' around her, instead of focusing on the 'what' that she'd clung to for so long. Not a terrible way to live, at all.

+++++ Ikari Manor. Wednesday, +22.

After dinner, Shinji bid Misato goodbye when the lavender-haired Captain begged off further discussion for the evening. He'd made certain to tell her, repeatedly, that he didn't feel compelled to be or do anything. She'd made certain to tell him, firmly, that she had grave concerns about how he was to be treated. They both agreed that the next time they spoke on their fears, they would do so over some pizza with far fewer women around.

Asuka, on the contrary, accepted the offer of a spare bedroom for the evening and was escorted off by Hikari, Sakura, Amano, and Rei to seek common ground and re-attempt 'first impressions'. Watching the red-haired pilot laugh, smile, and joke along with others her own age warmed his heart. She, unlike him, had experience socializing with other people. She, unlike him…was fulfilled by doing so.

He knew he wasn't alone, he hadn't expected to be left so as he worked on washing up the evening's dishes. Thankfully it was only one person, if one he had only just met. "I…am very grateful for what your sisters have done to help, even when it resulted in more complications to deal with." As far as 'first impressions' went, he wanted to ensure that Urðr knew where his heart lay. "I am even more grateful for your mother's presence. She's saved me, more than once, from situations that I would have made an absolute mess of."

"Which, if I am to be honest, is the strangest description of her that I have ever heard." Slinking over to him, then sliding up so that she sat on the counter near him, the bewitching half-demon half-Norn watched him speculatively. "She tells me that you need another demon to balance out this…revolution you're fomenting."

"According to Ansuz and Frigg, it would be best for Niff…Nifuru…for the place your mother is from." He sighed in frustration at his continued inability to pronounce the odd names he was surrounded by. "It would allow her to be seen as equal to Jurai and Aassu…where Subeki's from."

"Mmhmm," she hummed. "And what would be in it for me?"

Without hesitation, without guile, without fear, he looked at her with his honesty out front and asked, "What would you like?"

"You realize that you're going to be taken for a ride, if you keep handing out freebies like this, right?"

He shrugged. "What do I need with more than I have?" Returning to the dishes, he washed and laid out his thoughts along with the plates. "I have a houseful of partners, friends, lovers, and wives who will do anything I ask them to whenever I ask them to. I have the opportunity to learn anything I want, without being looked at like I'm an idiot for asking things normal people learned decades ago. I have enough money to purchase this world repeatedly. I can snap my fingers and create any form of entertainment I desire. The one thing I don't have, is enough time in the day to do even a tenth of all of that. If the women I trust tell me that you would make people's lives better by including you, then that is what I'll do. If you want nothing to do with me, then I'll respect that and tell them you chose not to join."

Leaning forward, resting with her hands on the edge of the countertop, she sighed and looked at him with regret. "You know, I was looking forward to intense negotiations over this. You'd insist that I show you how enchanting I can be, I'd insist that you show me what you did to make my mother's eyes light up like they have, we'd fuck like animals while peppering each other with silly demands before sealing the agreement with a mind-bending orgasm." Kicking her feet with mock petulance, she huffed, "Instead, you go and offer me anything I want without asking for a thing in return. Suck all the fun out of it, why don't you."

With a soft chuckle, Shinji nodded in understanding. "I have it on the best authority that I am mildly frustrating from time to time."

At that, she belted out a belly laugh. "Attractive, attentive, and confident enough in yourself to make fun of yourself? What's not to like?"

"The fact that I can't devote nearly enough time to any one of you, let alone all of you." His smile turning sad, he looked at her and shrugged. "The fact that the peace we're fighting for isn't something that we'll ever be able to enjoy ourselves. The fact that I am actually incredibly infuriating at times, because my life has been an unending parade of misery prior to two weeks ago. What I have to offer isn't nearly enough to make up for what will be asked of you, I know this. What you will go through to help us stop the universe from being dominated by this…Order…I can't even begin to apologize enough for it. I will never give you less than my best…but it will never be enough to make up what I will owe you."

Reaching over, she tapped the tip of his nose lightly. "Good. I'm glad to hear that you understand what the cost to all of us will be. So then, on to what I'm asking for."

"Anything I have, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone."

"Oh, it won't." Slipping off the counter, she moved behind him and pulled him back against her in a hug. "I want you to learn how to have fun. My baby sisters have told me a lot tonight, and the one thing I noticed the most is that you are far too serious. Yes, the universe is at stake. Yes, you keep getting punched in the mouth. No, that does not mean that you get to stop trying to have fun in the few precious moments between wars." Lightly brushing her lips against his shoulder, she hummed contentedly. "I want you to promise me that you won't let yourself become too jaded to appreciate the beauty on display around you. You do that, and I'll join up."

They had just met, and yet he didn't feel awkward at all in her arms. It was normal, now. His life was not his own…it was his crew's. "I like hugs."

"They are wonderful things, I agree."

"Will you help me remember to have fun?"

Her smile, unseen by him, was victorious. "Gladly."

+++++ NERV. Thursday, +23.

Over the objections of the vast majority of the household, Shinji insisted that those battle-capable personnel accompany him to NERV the next morning. It wasn't that they were unwilling to go, not in the slightest. They did not want him to go after he had just climbed between dimensions. His counterargument, that he was going to be going there whether they came with him or not, was contested harshly only until he turned and walked to the door to put his shoes on. None of them wanted to physically confront him, only two of them were at all confident in their ability to physically confront him. Neither Ansuz nor Misaki opposed his idea, which made the rest of the voices all the weaker.

Standing in a meeting room with Misato, Asuka, Funaho, Misaki, Ansuz, Frigg, Washu, and Hild, he laid out his thoughts, "There are three left. If they watch their allies fight, they know now that we managed to take out three at once when two attacked me and one attacked here. In my mind, that means that the next attack will be all of them at once on one target. If I'm here, where whatever it is they're after is as well, then that means that the attack must come here."

The idea made sense to Misato. "So we camp you here, build up our defenses as thick as possible, and when they come we win or lose knowing we did what we could."

"Still a problem, though." Asuka held two fingers up on one hand, and three on the other. "We have three pilots, and two Eva."

"Our husband will not require one of the abominations for this fight," Ansuz declared calmly. "When this battle comes, he will fight as he is alongside you. It is best that you both," she indicated Rei and Asuka, "make use of the weapons he will not require."

Washu, sitting with her feet up on the table and rubbing one thumb around her index finger, added what she could, "I'll grab Skuld and Ritsuko, spend some time…improving the Evas. Since we're all married now, it only makes sense that I help my husband's allies protect us all."

"You do so with the blessing of the Juraian Empire," Funaho proclaimed. "Our fiancé must have suitable protection against this menace." Looking to her own wife, she asked, "Dear?"

"I will work with her," Misaki groused. "So long as she understands that I am doing this for him."

Ansuz, just as proud as Misaki, lifted her chin slightly. "He must be prepared to use everything he has. That includes the…ability he has gained through proximity to your people. I cannot train him on its use, and so I will…accept your assistance."

"You will make better use of that assistance than simply 'accepting'," Frigg stated evenly, giving Ansuz a level stare. "He must be prepared to use the synthesis of both our people's strengths. It is no slight on anyone present to say that our survival will rely heavily on his ability to fight to the utmost of his abilities."

Without preamble, the door to the room burst open and Skuld came hurrying in holding another piece of jewelry. "Shinji! Shinji, Shinji! I got it working!" Setting it around his wrist and fastening it to him, she pulled him up to his feet and away from the table. "Ok, now I want you to say, 'reisa'."

Shinji, already taken aback by the overwhelming good cheer coming from the youngest Norn, blinked at the slightly odd pronunciation. "You…want me to say beauty?" Remembering the feel of Skuld's eldest sister against his back last night, how she'd said the word, nearly caused him to blush.

"Not quite," Hild interjected when Skuld looked confused at his hesitation. "It is a word in our language that is pronounced very similarly to a word in yours. In your language, that grouping of phonetics means 'beauty', as you pointed out. In our language, it means 'to raise' or 'to build'. She chose the word specifically because it would be something you could wrap your tongue around without strangling yourself."

"Oh. Huh." Looking down at the bracelet, thinking to himself how grateful he was for the care they put into these gestures, he tried to model her pronunciation, "Reisa." As soon as the last of the word left his lips, he felt the comforting weight of the armor given to him by the Valkyrie. Flexing one hand, enjoying the sensation of the gauntlet clenching down on his fist, he smiled happily. "Thank you, Subeki. This is a marvelous gift."

"Why doesn't he have a helmet?" Asuka flicked one finger towards her own head when most of the room looked at her oddly. "All that protection isn't going to matter much against a sniper with his head exposed."

Washu reached over and relieved Misato of her firearm without the lavender haired captain noticing, discharging two shots directly at Shinji's head. Each bullet lost all of its kinetic energy just before striking him in the skull, dropping harmlessly to the floor. Most everyone in the room, glaring angrily at her and working their jaws while rubbing their ears at the unexpected burst of noise in a confined space, were mollified when Misaki relieved her of the firearm and slapped her upside the back of her head with it.

Once the room regained the ability to hear, Skuld provided the rest of the explanation, "This armor is not quite what you think it is. It's a three-dimensional representation of a fifth-dimensional object projected by a much higher dimensional form. Basically, it's applied math calculating at a speed that would burn any of our brains out before we finished the first operation. The representation is here to stop us from suffering a seizure simply viewing it." She shrugged. "He barely even felt the pressure change from that explosive discharge. His hearing never went off, like ours did."

Misato, still glaring daggers at Washu, asked, "And we couldn't have explained that without discharging my pistol because…?"

"In order to activate the armor, the assault has to be capable of causing harm." Rubbing the back of her head where the butt of the pistol had struck, Washu blithely ignored the anger directed at her. "Otherwise, the light reflecting off of things would never reach his eyes, and he'd be blind. It has to let some things through while stopping others. It would stop a knife from hitting his eye, but it won't stop Skuld from caressing his cheek. Things like that."

Proving the statement, Skuld hopped up to give Shinji a kiss by wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her lips to his. Pleased when he caught her, holding her up and to him, she grinned at him victoriously. "You don't have the fundamentals down regarding using the System Force, and this armor does no good sitting back at home. This way, you can summon it for a fight when you need it by just saying a word you won't use often anyway."

Squeezing her again, he buried his face in the nape of her neck and breathed out his gratitude, "Thank you. What happened wasn't your fault, and I don't blame you for the pain. What happened…is just more of our luck." He knew he hit the mark when she pressed her head against his, hugging him all the tighter. She'd wanted to help, and ended up hurting. This time, she kept her help to providing something, instead of taking something away.

+++++ NERV. Thursday, +23.

The day had proceeded at a speed beyond memory. The various experts in their fields had broken into working groups, performing those tasks that few in the entire universe might have done better than they. Those who could not directly assist took up roles supporting those that could, cooking food and finding water when necessary, hauling materials needed when required.

Washu, Skuld, and Ritsuko had managed to tap into each of their respective species' best traits to remove the Evas from their burdensome umbilical power cords. They then focused on improving the armor's utility, allowing it to absorb more damage without deforming while reducing the overall weight. Rei and Asuka then took the Evas out to gather data on the improvements while the trio of mechanically-inclined crewmates shifted focus to weapons development.

Misato, Frigg, and Funaho spent the day improving the area's defenses. Gone were the human-based projectile systems, a host of Juraian-made particle cannons arising in their place. The physical security for the base itself had been bolstered by six complete wings of Valkyrie, standing unflinching watch over as much of NERV and the GeoFront as they could. The three admirals of the orbital defense fleet were brought into discussions to discuss combined arms tactics and strategy, both to ensure the defense of the facility as a whole and to prepare for repelling the Angels when they appeared.

Ansuz, Misaki, and Shinji spent the day packing as much physical trauma and emotional abuse as possible into him. Two hours before the clock tolled a new day, he fell down to one knee while panting heavily and sweating profusely. His two instructors, far from appearing fresh and vigorous, joined him on the ground for a well-earned rest. Old grudges remained, but for the moment everyone was content to bask in the glory of a day well spent.

"How…do I…." Straightening his spine some, and taking a deep breath, Shinji tried again, "How do I wash this armor?" With a loose smile, he added, "It's going to start to smell if this is my new life."

Misaki reached over, lightly rubbing some of the exposed leather with her fingers. "We will have professionals clean it. Some ceremonial guards still wear such archaic armor, and they are expected to stand near dignitaries and nobles who would rather they not smell like stale sweat and dead animals."

"Why not simply use your power?" Rather than accusatory or petulant, Ansuz's question was offered in a tone of curiosity. "Surely with your control over the mathematical laws of the universe, you would have that capacity?"

"Because an employed and engaged citizen is a happy citizen." Leaning back again, Misaki looked up at the false ceiling far above the field they practiced on. "Not everyone has the capacity to perform transformative labor. The ability to apply hundreds of thousands of years of development into art, or science, or new studies. There are, and always will be, some people whose only qualifications consist of menial labor." Letting her head loll towards Shinji, she challenged his reflexive denial. "Is it not better to ensure those people are given useful menial labor, with adequate compensation for them to fund those things that might help them improve themselves? To grant favor to the goodhearted few with menial labor in the service of those they venerate? Should we simply rely on hope, instead of basic knowledge of psychology?"

Ansuz nodded, agreeing on the point. "Even the most inept of my kind has enough potential in them to cause serious problems for others if left to their own devices. Where they might employ them as maids or launderers, we set them upon gardens to cultivate beauty and learn the value of life of any size." It was her turn to reach over and touch him, this time to connect emotionally. "It is a fine thing to think as you do. To see, in every creature, the capacity for both greatness and kindness. It is also hopelessly naïve to rule a people with such a mindset."

Forced to think past the reflexive, Shinji sighed as he realized that even he could think of some people that he wouldn't want to rely on as a source of productivity. "That's not going to be easy to adapt to. I've," he paused, thinking of his wording, "I've tried to not see everyone as him. So many people opened their arms to me, did everything they could to help me reach further! Surrounded by all of this, I just…I can't help but feel that there has to be a way to help everyone feel so…."

Misaki smiled, watching him struggle to find the word and seeing why she adored him all over again, "Loved?"

He blushed. "I was going to say capable, but I don't know that's the right word."

"Empowered," Ansuz agreed. "You want them to see in themselves what has been shown to reside in you. That even the meekest, smallest of us can overcome those challenges if they apply themselves hard enough."

An unfamiliar feminine voice declared its presence with a dark chuckle, "Oh, I think we both know that's not true."

Rolling to his feet and joining Ansuz and Misaki in preparing for a fight, Shinji saw that the source of the snark was likely only human in appearance. Her slight build, almost fae in construction, somehow still managed to appear hyper-feminine. Her skin, pale without translucence, might have taken more of his time in analysis were it not for the two things she carried with her: a briefcase and an unconscious and bleeding Ryouji Kaji.

"I think you'll find that you won't be able to hurt me quite yet, ladies," she stated with a smirk. "The other two need to get off their asses and decide what they're going to do first. Rules are rules." Tossing Kaji aside, she held out the briefcase to Shinji. "You're going to want this."

"Who-" Shinji's question was cut off by both women at his side brushing against him. Frustrated, he focused on keeping himself in a defensive stance.

"Oh please. Can we dispense with the melodramatic nonsense?" Shaking the briefcase, the new woman approached Shinji impatiently. "You can't hurt me, and I'm not here to hurt you. If I wanted to I couldn't hurt you. The rules clearly state that the Seventeenth can't act until after the Sixteenth can't act until after the Fifteenth, et cetera et cetera et cetera ad nauseum infinitum blah blah."

A part of him was surprised at the fluidity of both Ansuz and Misaki as they coordinated an assault against this new foe without any prior consultation. Each woman's weapon landed repeated blows that were placed perfectly to set up a follow-on strike from their momentary ally…none of them managed to pass through the A.T. Field he saw erect itself from nothingness. The difference from the Field he was accustomed to, however, was in that the border passed around him without the slightest hesitation.

Stopping with the tip of his blade resting against her forehead, the new woman looked at him meaningfully. "We can't hurt one another yet. I want to talk, you want to survive, can we get on with this so I can go back to watching my shows?"

"You're…an Adamite," Shinji asserted cautiously.

"Among other things."

He lowered his sword, recognizing how useless it was against someone that could rest her head on it without harm. "Do you have a name?"

"Yep." Lifting the briefcase again so that it was between them, she shook it. "Take. The. Case."

"Why?"

"Because without it, this universe and everyone in it is going to return to a nothingness that is literally beyond your capacity to comprehend." She eyed him sternly. "Would you feel better if I punched you as hard as I could? Just to prove that I can't hurt you?"

Shinji noticed that Ansuz and Misaki were trying to speak to him, their voices not carrying through the dome-like A.T. Field. He then looked over towards Kaji. "Why is he here?"

"Because he was trying to sneak off with this," she shook the case. "Because he's an idiot who values truth over life and wasted a perfectly good opportunity to marry someone wonderful in service of his own myopia."

"I…I don't follow."

"Neither does most of what's happening, but that's how things work when literally anything is possible. Case?" When he hesitated, she leaned forward slightly. "Look, you don't know anything about who or what you are. You are a literal babe in the woods, with wolves stalking all around your pretty little bassinet. I am not one of the wolves, and I am not your ally. I am a very involved third party with a backstory you don't have time to hear. When he gets here, and believe me he's going to get here, you are going to have the worst choice of your life to make. This," she waggled the case, "will allow you to make a choice that doesn't involve becoming the opposite of something. Open it, don't open it, throw the fucker into your sun for all I care, just do not let anyone else get hold of it."

Haltingly, feeling as if someone was pushing his hands away from the suitcase, he finally managed to reach up and take hold of the metallic enclosure. As soon as he had it safely in his grasp, he noted the woman before him took her hand away. Bringing it down to his side, he asked in a different manner, "What is your name?"

"Huh, look at that. You can think around problems," she approved with a sassy grin. "You can call me Kaoru, if we ever meet each other again. It's a better name for me than some." Punching him in the chest in a friendly manner, she turned around and walked back over to Kaji. "Remember, kid…you don't know anywhere near as much as you think you do." Picking up Kaji, she walked towards the exit and vanished between steps.

Into the silence that followed, Ansuz asked with near violent heat, "What possessed you to take that from her? Can you not-"

"No, he cannot," Misaki interjected waspishly. Stalking over, she reached out to take the case away from him and found that her hand went through it as if it did not exist at all. Recovering her balance quickly, she held her hand out, "Give it to me." Seeing both the hesitation and stubbornness grow in his eyes, she scowled. "Shinji, I order you to give that to me."

Faced with an imperial order, one he was oathsworn to follow, he hesitated still. There was something inside the case, something…ancient. "…No." Misaki and Ansuz were acting in anger. Anger never made good decisions. He needed someone who wasn't angry. Someone- "Tsunami-san?"

Appearing nearby, at a respectful distance from the woman she knew would want nothing to do with her, the middle goddess of the Juraian Triumvirate asked in a voice as surprised as she was at the summons, "Y-yes, Helbinder?"

"I need you to take me somewhere they can't follow." Before anyone could react, he vanished alongside his onetime classmate.

+++++ The Conclave. Thursday, +23.

Standing in the black abyss, with only the light from Tsunami's form providing any sense of orientation, Shinji felt a brief moment of vertigo before shaking it off and ignoring the yawning call of the void. "Ok…ok, thank you."

"Of course," Tsunami murmured, in awe of what she was witnessing.

Experimentally setting the case down on the nothing in front of him, finding that it floated where he left it, he shook his hands and tried to rub what he could only describe as 'wrong' off of them. "Do you…." Blowing out a sigh, he looked away from the case and into her eyes. "I apologize, Tsunami-san. I called you out of nowhere, asked you to help me, and the two of us haven't had a chance to speak to one another since you helped me get to the lockers a few days ago." With a polite bow, he expressed his regret. "Thank you for your assistance, and I am sorry that I presumed."

Her heart beating rapidly, her mouth fighting against her urge to throw dignity and caution away, she struggled to exist as the goddess and not the schoolgirl. "Sasami Masaki Jurai is as much a part of me as I am, Helbinder. Her affection for you is my affection for you, her desire to aid you, my desire. The one to whom we were destined died long ago, her choice to attempt to save you from a future we foresaw one I would gladly make again. There has not been…an appropriate time for us to share ourselves and our story with you, and it is still not that time. I offer you whatever aid I have, freely and with joy in my heart." The weight of his gaze on her grew heavier, the sorrow in his soul for the loss of a good woman something she knew he would take time to understand was misplaced.

"Thank you," he answered simply. The rest was, indeed, something for another time. "Do you know what's in here?"

"Yes…and no." She tilted her head slightly to the side and looked at the case with a frown. "Life, after a fashion…and anger. Malice, more. Evil in search of conquest."

"Which would explain why I need to keep it from anyone." Pursing his lips, he blew out a short whistle. "But why would she tell me she doesn't mean me any harm and then hand me something evil? I…I really don't think she was lying."

"They were not," a new voice replied casually. Appearing alongside Tsunami, the new woman held a more stern and reserved demeanor. "I apologize for interrupting, Helbinder. I sensed the object you possess and came to ensure that nothing happened in ignorance." Turning to Tsunami, she inclined her head slightly. "Sister."

"Hello, Tokimi," Tsunami replied with a slight curtsey. "I brought him here at his request, where the others would not be able to follow."

"A wise choice," Tokimi approved. The eldest of the three Choushin motioned towards the briefcase before continuing, "This exists within my area of expertise, so it does not surprise me that you would not understand what it is you are feeling." Looking to Shinji, she gave the merest hint of a smile. "Evil is, perhaps, a strong word. Evil denotes intent, a mindset that is anathema to the generally understood 'good'. Both good and evil are, after all, biased towards the perspective of the beholder. The resident of this crude vessel would be evil, if viewed from the perspective of your kind of life."

Content to allow introductions to wait, Shinji asked, "Can you dumb that down some for me, please?"

"I could," she extended her hand to him, "or I could ask if you would like to have your own knowledge…expanded, so that you might better understand."

Fixing the root of the problem, as he believed her to be doing, seemed to carry more wisdom. "Ok." Reaching out, he accepted her hand. Once they touched, he felt as if he'd been kicked in the head by a horse the size of a galaxy and crumpled to the ground. Words rapidly developed complexities he hadn't been aware of, concepts gained descriptions that conflicted with the bedrock principles of reality itself. Through it all, he saw what it was that was inside the briefcase radiating with an insatiable hunger. "It's…it's me."

"A part of you, to be more concise." Tokimi helped him stand again, soothing her hand along his face and looking in his eyes to assess any issues that might develop. "But only should you choose to embrace it. You could choose to embrace love, instead of domination, and still draw on the strength of will required to dominate. You could choose to embrace logical justice, while still allowing for compassionate vengeance. That this might be an aspect of you is of no more consequence than you make of it."

Open it, don't open it, throw the fucker into your sun for all I care, just do not let anyone else get hold of it…. He began to understand her warning, and the insidiously cautionary tale behind it. "This is…." He now faced the problem of too many words giving him too many choices, each of which with their own shortcomings. "This is a fragment of the First Angel. Why is a fragment of the First Angel a missing piece of me?"

A hole opened in reality, a cold, sunny day now visible through the portal. Standing on the other side, waiting a heartbeat for everyone to demonstrate what reaction he would receive, was a giant of a man with long, shock white, hair. A man that looked far too much like Shinji. Stepping through, his hands in his pockets, the man bowed slightly in apology. "I am sorry, ladies, for intruding. I normally would not be so forward, but it appears you've stumbled across truths you weren't ready for." Standing upright, he looked at Shinji with the same sad smile he'd often seen in the mirror.

"You…are missing an eye," Shinji stated, remembering the nightmares he'd been having for most of his life.

"An eye that was keeping the truth from me," the big man agreed with a nod. "At least you're taking this better than some others I could mention." At this, his smile changed to one truly amused. "Our brother tried to fight me, Hikari kicked his ass three ways from Sunday."

With all the training he'd undergone, all the strength he had at his command, he knew at a glance that he wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in a volcano against…himself. "Why are you here?"

"To ask where you got that," he tipped his head towards the case.

"She…she said her name was Kaoru. She got this off a man named Ryouji Kaji, he's-"

"A tragic story, and one that rarely has a good ending," the big man cut him off gently. "Kaoru, hmm? Well…that at least explains a few things." Now tipping his head towards Tsunami, he raised one eyebrow meaningfully. "Might want to tell her what you just figured out. I think we both know she wasn't involved."

Shinji looked to Tsunami, seeing her gawping in mute horror at the man before them. He then turned to Tokimi, who seemed to be silently praying behind a mask of fragile calm. Looking down to the case, then back to the him before him, he asked softly, "Is that how they'll see me?"

"Deep down, under all of the layers of self-reinforcing lies…yeah." Staring off into the distance, the strange Shinji seemed pained by the admission. "A few won't. There are always a few that…that have held onto what we are inside no matter what happens." His gaze returned to the present, spearing Shinji with the cold reality, "But the rest of them will always look at you like a live grenade with the pin pulled…even in your most intimate moments."

"Because that's what we are?"

"Only if you choose to be," the big man answered with a shrug. "If you choose to be, however, our next discussion won't be quite as jovial." A brief pulse of his true power radiated outward, there and gone in an instant.

Where most people might feel terrified to hear their executioner tell them such, Shinji felt comforted. If he went 'wrong' he would have someone who actually could stop him. That relief informed his smile, which brightened the big man's face in turn. "Good."

In a weak, worried, voice Tsunami asked, "Sh-Shinji?"

Both men present turned to her and replied, "Yes?" They then looked at one another and laughed.

"Can you…would you give him this piece of you? Please?" Tearing her eyes away from the larger Shinji, she looked to the one she'd tried to help. "Allow him to safeguard it. Stay as you are."

"It's a valid concern," the strange new Shinji agreed. "You take that with you, it's going to change everything that you are."

"Life is change," he quoted several of his friends and lovers. "Change is hard…but it's necessary if we want to get better."

"True, but not everyone has to be at the front lines fighting the good fight." His hands not moving from his pockets, he shrugged his enormous shoulders again. "You could stay here, in your little corner of creation. Live a simpler life."

"Swaddled in ignorance, rocking in my bassinet…surrounded by wolves." Shinji felt no joy when the older version of himself nodded grimly. "That's why Misaki wanted it. She wanted to…."

"Growing up hurts. Maybe she just wanted to spare you pain, for a time. You have a long life ahead of you, if you don't get yourself killed."

Tsunami, instinctively attempting to protect the woman she'd hurt, added, "She has lost so much, Helbinder. In you, she has found a love that could restore her faith in reality. The way you support her, the way you give your all, the way you hide nothing, you have so many good qualities in such a rare combination that-"

"That she would rather I remained ignorant of the greater struggles beyond the borders of her empire? That she would rather I sit at her side, pampered and loved, while others," he flung one hand out towards the older Shinji, "suffer and bleed for that peace?" Order's actions began to filter into place, his eyes returning to the other him. "Why would Order send weaker emissaries to meet me? Why hasn't Washu told me anything else about Ma'at? We're at war with Order, but she didn't send a heavier weapon after me?"

"This is what awaits you on my side of the fence, brother mine." The older Shinji assumed a far more regal bearing, removing his hands from his pockets to cross his arms before his massive chest. "Are you sure you want to cross over?"

"Please, Wanderer, do not take him from us," Tsunami begged. "He has suffered so much already!"

"It's not his choice," Shinji snapped. "That's the whole point of this discussion, Tsunami." Regaining control of his temper, he continued in a softer voice. "Women throwing themselves at me left and right. How many of them did so because they were able to secure a portion of a power beyond anything they could hope for? How many are just like Frigg? She and I might learn to love each other, but she only joined because the 'power players' needed balance." Scraping his fingers through his hair, he growled in anger. "Do Sakura and Hikari really like me, or is this just a part they're playing? How many of my relationships are based on half-truths and deceptions?" Slapping the briefcase, opening it up to expose the embryonic form of the First Angel, he pointed at it and snarled, "An ignorant Shinji is a compliant Shinji, right? Let the other people handle the harsh realities, just sit there living the dream. 'Captain' my ass," he scoffed. Grasping the First Angel and absorbing it into himself, he looked to his older self and stated, "All dreams end, eventually. Let's get this over with."

+++++ NERV. Thursday, +23.

Shinji returned to NERV under his own power, the knowledge and strength he had gained from absorbing the First Angel coupled with the insight that Tokimi had given him allowing him to do far more than he'd thought possible. Arriving by Misato, choosing the one person who had questioned everything about his relationship, he was surprised to find her on the Combat Bridge. The dimly pulsing orange lights, indicating that there was an approaching assault, told him that his own concerns would have to wait. "Misato?"

"Oh!" Startled by his sudden appearance, she took half of a second to restore her calm. "I was told you'd stepped away, glad to see you here. We have two Angels, one down low and the other up in space taunting us." She brought up the competing views for him, one showing Units -01 and -02 deployed in supporting positions while waiting for a long, wormlike, Angel to approach and the other a feed of High Earth Orbit where a spiky, birdlike, Angel floated far above NERV. "This thing took everything those Juraians had, didn't flinch. Any ideas?"

"Yeah, I have a few." He thought to Asuka and Rei, how they had never been anything but honest even with Asuka's self-delusions. "Keep your attention on them, I'll be back in a bit." He heard the door to the bridge open, saw Funaho appear out of the corner of his eye. With a frown, he glared at her and transported himself to 'speak with' the Fifteenth Angel.

+++++ HEO. Thursday, +23.

Shinji winked into existence before the Fifteenth Angel. His opponent appeared as a jagged bird of pure white light, floating impassively before him. With no atmosphere, verbal speech was impossible. Hello. Speaking in his mind, he felt that he could finally manage the trick that had been kept from him for so long.

CONFUSION / / FEAR

That caught him off guard. The Angel was not attacking him, despite an overwhelming size advantage, and was also scared. Why are you afraid? Do you not want to fight?

CONFUSION

You…didn't expect me…this situation.

CORRECT

Communication was finally possible. Why are you attacking my planet?

COMPULSION / / RULE

If something was forcing them to attack, perhaps he could fix the situation. Who is compelling you?

YOU

For one second, he was baffled by the response. Then he remembered what he'd just absorbed into himself and slapped his own forehead. What would happen if I asked you to not attack? Could you then live in peace?

PEACE / / SERVITUDE

No, no, he crossed his arms before him, I want you to do what you want to do. If you want to attack my planet, I'll stop you. I will likely kill you. If you want to leave, to find another planet to live on, or if you can live on this one without destroying everything, I'll help you! For several long minutes, the Angel floated silently in the void. No signs of aggression, no expectation of violence, no indications about what, if any, emotions it was dealing with. While waiting for any reply, he tried reaching down to Rei on the surface. Rei?

Shinji? The bluenette's reply was far quieter than he'd hoped, I am hearing several arguments on the bridge, are you safe?

He chuckled internally. I am floating about half a kilometer away from an Angel in the vacuum of space. Of any word I could conceivably use here, 'safe' is not one I would choose. Who's arguing?

Everyone. The Angel is not attacking us, and we are being given contrary orders. Pilot Soryu has decided that neither of us will do anything until, quote, 'Command pulls its head out of its ass and starts giving coherent orders,' unquote. Since that broadcast, she has sat silently in Unit-02 waiting for the Angel to strike.

The gratitude he felt in his heart for the red-haired former irritant swelled into enormity. Good plan. Tell her that I'm in talks with this one up here, that we might be able to resolve this without fighting. If we can all go home, and stop this, it's win-win.

That would be…an unexpected change. A pleasant one to be sure.

COMPROMISE

The word broke his link to Rei, its power to speak far greater than his ally's. I hope we can come up with one, yes.

FREEDOM / / HOMEWORLD

Digging at the thought for a bit, he pieced together from the impression what was being asked for. You want a homeworld, and your freedom?

INCORRECT / / HOMEWORLD

It struck him. The Angel was offering its homeworld. The location of where the Adamites came from. Oh! So we can talk, try diplomacy there?

CORRECT

In exchange for their freedom, he would have to travel to wherever they came from. In so doing, he could prevent any risk of death for at least some time. Agreed. You are free to do what you want, understanding that if you attack my people I will not hesitate to kill you.

AGREED

Shinji then watched in amazement as the bird shrank. It was slow at first, growing gradually faster as the size grew smaller, eventually reaching a size where it was able to float over and rest upon his shoulder. It made sense, after all, that it would accompany him down to speak with the other Angel. Communication saved so many things, proper communication prevented only conflict. With a flex of muscles he'd always had but never known about, he put himself on the Earth's surface with his new acquaintance.

+++++ Tokyo-3. Thursday, +23.

Popping into existence down on firm ground, the first thing Shinji had to do was find his balance. The difference in the pull of gravity was something he had not previously experienced to such an extreme degree, and it was only through willpower that he didn't faceplant. "Ugh…need practice."

"Practice is always a wise expenditure of time," the Angel on his shoulder declared. Stamping one foot to secure its grip on his shoulder, it continued, "We should move closer, Armisael has ever been hard of hearing."

Somewhere inside of his mind, the notion that the same Angel that had just been forced to use single words to speak to him was now talking in a normal conversational tone in fluent Japanese just made sense. Starting off towards the other Angel, he brought his trusted partner in on the plan, Rei, tell Asuka to hold fast and Misato that I said so. I've negotiated a ceasefire, and I'm not going to be super happy if someone shoots at the Angels while I'm standing right next to them.

Understood. After a brief pause, she added, Please…exercise caution.

I love you too. That was at least one of the women in his life that he could verify hadn't been…. "Leave it for later," he reminded himself verbally.

"There is wisdom in caution as well, and in accepting that no one can ever know all." Clacking its beak a bit, the Angel eyed him askance. "It is good that you have found common ground with the echo of the Second. Good for peace. Good for hope."

Making a mental note that his conversations were not private around the Angel, he kept his silence until he reached Armisael, the Sixteenth Angel. Close enough to be heard without shouting, but not so close as to imply a threat, he raised the arm that wasn't hosting an Angel and waved politely. "Hi. I was talking to your friend here, and we agreed that we wouldn't fight each other in exchange for me granting you freedom and speaking with you on your homeworld. Could you agree to that too? Fighting is not what I want to do, after all."

"My apologies, but I will have to speak…louder." Opening her beak, the Angel paused, then added, "Please protect your ears." Once Shinji had his hands over his ears, a piercing cry shattered the ruins of several nearby neighborhoods. Conveyed in that single shrill call was everything Shinji had agreed to provide, and an endorsement from the Fifteenth Angel for the plan.

Quietly glad that his armor somehow protected him from the noise, as he doubted his hands would have done anything of note in the attempt, Shinji lowered his hands to his sides and asked, "So…anything?"

"Again, my apologies. Armisael will require a moment to think."

"May I ask your name?"

"Arael."

"Arael and Armisael." The names flowed off his tongue easily, another sign that Tokimi's offer had helped him. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise." Clacking her beak again, she brought his attention to Armisael. "Armisael agrees."

Watching the Sixteenth Angel shrink down, much the same as Arael had, Shinji felt a swell of pride in himself. He had been angry, but he had not taken that anger out on other living things. He was not his uncle. He would never be his uncle. It took another minute, but soon Armisael had taken up a position atop his head like a halo. With both Angels secured, he turned back to NERV and told Rei to get the Evas home. Peace had won the day.

+++++ NERV. Thursday, +23.

Arriving on the bridge, Shinji walked into a heated argument that seemed just shy of going that one final, fatal, step towards open conflict. So many people were so steeped in anger that nearly everyone failed to notice his entrance. The two who had, Misato and Maya, responded to his unspoken gesture that they join him in moving into the briefing room. Rei, bring Asuka to the briefing room. Ignore everyone on the bridge, and don't be seen.

Understood. Her tone held a hint of curiosity, but there was no question as to her agreement.

After he was joined by Misato and Maya, who had nabbed Ritsuko on her way past, Shinji opened up the discussion with the most important piece of news. "On my shoulder is Arael. Orbiting the top of my head is Armisael. Both have agreed to terms. They have been given their freedom, with the understanding that I will not hesitate to kill them if they attack our people, and I have agreed to speak with them on their homeworld."

As soon as he'd finished speaking, the door opened again to admit Rei and Asuka. The pair eyed the Angels warily, but otherwise remained silent. Said silence was filled by Arael, "Both conditions have been met. By his acceptance, we now have our freedom. No more will we seek to reclaim our homeworld. The cost has been too high, the gain too small. Better that we allow you to retain your place as the dominant species, better that we go to find a new world to occupy."

"Wait, what?" Ritsuko blinked, replaying what the Angel had just declared without warning. "This was your…."

"Our father, the entity you awoke from his long slumber, had brought us to this world…in error. The Seed of Knowledge, the progenitor of your species, had been the one intended to populate this world." Arael clacked her beak, irritated. "Rather than accept his mistake, our father fought your mother. She struck him down, put him to sleep, then used the last of her strength to begin preparing what was a barren rock for your eventual ascendance. We have been compelled to take it back. To resurrect our father. Now, we have a new father. Now, he has given us our freedom." Clacking her beak again and stamping one foot, she stated gravely, "You should honor his sacrifice. He might have reclaimed his place among your species, had he not chosen to prevent further bloodshed."

All eyes moved from Arael to his face. With a sigh, he looked down and away. "I'm going to ask a simple question. I would…really appreciate it if you told me the truth. If you lie, I'll know. The truth I can handle, whatever it is. Being lied to…."

Surprisingly, it was Misato that gently asked, "Shinji, what did you do?"

"I found what was missing, and changed which side of the fence I was on," he replied evasively. "Rei, could you please tell me how you feel about me? Feel free to use the mind talk stuff, if you'd rather."

"I feel no shame in saying that I thrill at your presence in my life. You accept me for who I am, and I will never do less for you." The bluenette understood his pain, better than he himself would for some time. "My position on our relationship has not changed."

He sighed out a laugh. "That was the easy one." Skipping over Asuka, their relationship not having been defined as anything yet, he looked to Maya. "You?"

"I love the Shinji Ikari that came to my apartment and gave as good as he got. I love the Shinji Ikari who was honest enough with himself, and me, to understand that my affections are split between two people with good hearts." She smiled knowingly. "I love the Shinji Ikari who is strong enough to recognize when a situation stops being love and starts being abuse. If that Shinji Ikari is the one standing before me, I think my opinion hasn't changed."

"Thank you," genuine relief colored his tone. "Rits?"

Indifferent, the bottle blonde scientist answered truthfully, "Honestly, I'm not sure I know how to love. I know that when you hold me, I feel safe. I know when you work your devil magic with your hands my pains go away. I know that when I told you, 'Not tonight', you didn't drag your feet or make a fuss. Things are a little complicated, but when aren't they? I'm better off with you in my life than without you, and I'm willing to take the time to figure out this love thing if you are."

She had never asked him for anything but his best. She hadn't demanded he do anything, even save her life. "We'll get there together, eventually. I think I'm closer to where you are than I am to where Rei and Maya are."

While Shinji had expected Misato to be the one to broach the topic, it was Asuka who asked with a hint of anger, "Have they been forcing you into things?"

Motioning for calm, Shinji gave honesty for the honesty he had received, "I don't know. I know that nothing went the way any of them thought it ought to. I know that both the Juraians and those from Ásgarðr had some kind of plan to take advantage of my…youth. I don't think they were doing so with malicious intent, but I've put together that there's not really a 'nice' way of keeping someone from figuring out the full truth of their existence." Gesturing out of the room, he snorted, "That's why they're out there, and you're in here. When Ansuz fixed your chemical balance, the first thing you did was run away from me. You realized that you'd not been able to be open and honest with me, and that I had no chance of giving you the full answer to your question, and so you took some time to get yourself together. I admire that. I want to emulate that. Before I can hope to figure out anyone else, I've got to figure out what's happening between my own ears."

Her anger remained, but she gave him a brilliant grin. "Well, you could do a lot worse than emulating the Amazing Asuka." Laughing at herself, she spread her hands helplessly. "I don't know how to feel about you, Shinji. I know that you're not the man I thought you were, and now that I know you don't know who you are…I think I'm just going to say that I want to hang around and figure out what we might be. We can do a lot as a team, the three of us."

"I'm with her," Misato tipped her head towards Asuka. "I think you're a great guy. You're handsome, capable, available, and brave. But you also have a hard road ahead, and I think it'd be best that we take some time to figure out how best to help one another…but first those two Angels have to go before I pull out my pistol."

Arael huffed, flapping her wings. "To secure our peace, we will leave. Expect to hear from us in the future, once we determine where we shall settle." Continue the path of wisdom, she whispered in the silence of his mind. Time and tide do not wait, though neither do they demand blind acceptance of your fate. Her final warning given, the two remaining Angels vanished without a sound.

Ritsuko reached over and laid her hand gently on Misato's shoulder. "Misato…the Katsuragi Expedition wasn't-"

"Drop it." With the room now down to five people, Misato dropped her thumb back towards the bridge. "What's the play?"

"Several very private conversations between me and a bunch of women individually." Lifting his chin, he accepted his duty. "For now, I brought all of you here so that you would be safe while I try to make peace out there. I am sorry, but four of you are very squishy. One of you is less squishy, but still not quite in the right weight class to be out there when I start swinging." Moving around the quintet of women, he motioned towards the back of the room. "Please, stay here. I'll let Rei know when it's safe to leave." With one last thought of what he might have had if he'd chosen ignorance, he opened the door and began.

His first move was to separate as many of the combatants that weren't nearly in his league. Skuld, Verðandy, and Urðr were placed in a room on the other side of the base together, with an undeniable order to remain there if they had any affection for him at all. On his return trip, he grabbed Nanako and Minaho to place them in a room together on the opposite side from the first three with the same order as them. The 'easy' targets down, he next struck Hild. Appearing behind her and locking her in a hug, he dropped them both on the moon's surface. A brief mental request to remain there until he called for her was met with a confused and slightly hurt look, followed by a slow nod.

The next to fall was Frigg, who he gave a much more comfortable place to cool her heels and more of his time before departing. "I am asking you, where I have been firmer with the others, to wait here for me. You did not ask to join this madness, and all I have seen of you is an honest desire to stop lives from being lost. Out of respect for you, the choice is yours…but you should realize that I will not respond kindly to interruptions while speaking to the others."

The lordly former wife of a tyrant looked this seemingly new Shinji up and down. "Have you given yourself over to the darkness, good sir? Did I misjudge your character?"

"I…I really hope not." He couldn't deny the reason for concern, he wasn't acting like he normally would. "Please, I'm separating you all for your safety. Your daughter is with her sisters, safe and away from any potential combat. I'm keeping you away from them to avoid the appearance of favoritism while I…find out where I stand."

She gauged his resolve, looking in his eyes for any sign of weakness. With a slow nod, she accepted his request. "So long as you remember that we are married, and a true husband talks to his wife about what ails him before making irrevocable decisions."

His certainty that she was who he'd thought she was grew stronger. With a polite bow, he begged her leave, "I promise, I will share my thoughts with you once the bloodshed is prevented."

"Good. Go," she touched two fingers to his cheek with a fond smile, "and be safe."

He knew there was no way to resolve the last three targets without force. One might consider listening to reason, so long as she wasn't who he'd begun to fear. The other two, however, were only allies of convenience. When he landed back on the Combat Bridge, he was already in motion to cut off any attempts at hostilities. What he found, instead, was Funaho sitting atop an unconscious Misaki, glaring a terrible threat to Ansuz. Slowing to a stop, he shifted his posture to defend himself instead of continuing the attack. "…Your Majesty?"

"I know exactly what you are doing, dear. I even know why you're doing it. If you would be so kind as to take my wife and I somewhere 'safe', Ansuz promises to remain here and wait her turn after politely informing the mortals that it is safe to leave with your blessing." Funaho took her eyes purposefully off of Tyr's first wife, looking at him with both an offer and a demand. "That is what you were planning, is it not?"

Taking good fortune where he could find it, he scooped up the pair of empresses and went back to 'the safest place in the universe', his room.

+++++ Ikari Manor. Thursday, +23.

After settling Misaki on the bed, where she would sleep off what Funaho had done to her, Shinji turned to the more diplomatic of the two and simply looked at her. He'd long since learned that she knew, or could puzzle out, far more than he ever could. He knew that saying anything would tip his hand, and that his best chance at an honest answer was to stand there silently and let her put the words she wished to use together.

Funaho's demeanor had softened considerably since their arrival back 'home', and she showed no hesitation or shame in stripping free of her clothes before him. "Too many demands. Too much stress. Too many variables to consider, people to appease, and far, far, too few answers to hold." Nude, she summoned a cloth and gave herself a simple bath. "I knew that you could not possibly be so simple a man. I knew that, perhaps in the future, you would become the most important being to ever exist. What I should have seen from the start, and what I regret not seeing in my…grief…was how the darkness you keep buried under lock, key, and stone gave fertile soil for doubt to grow within." Cleansed of the sweat and dirt she'd gathered, she presented herself fully to him. "I stand before you, naked and unafraid. I have no weapons, no secret poisons, nothing but what you see here."

At that, he felt compelled to speak, "I should mention that what I see is, itself, a far more dangerous weapon than any I might face on a battlefield."

A quick turn of her lips showed her gratitude at the compliment. "I do love you, Shinji Ikari. Not for your power, your potential, or your purpose…but because when faced with adversity you seek peace. When challenged, you stand proud against what would hurt the innocent. You would, perhaps will, make for the best husband I could hope for. If you seek a motivation beyond simple affection and attraction, know that it lies within the hope that you are the type of man I thought I once wed…only better for your ability to seek answers from those you care for before making irreversible decisions."

The similarity to what Frigg had said was encouraging. "I cannot, and will not, sit back in ignorance and allow others to bleed on my behalf. There are others, like me, out there that are fighting for what is right…and if you cannot join me in that fight, then I will forever carry in my heart the regret for what my duty cost me."

She considered his words, she nodded slowly. "And Misaki sought to hide that from you. To take what she felt would take you from us and secret it away forever. Who was that young woman, then? Was she truly an Adamite?"

"Her name was Kaoru Nagisa. A…me from another reality knew her, I think."

"His name is The Wanderer." Funaho tapped her own temple. "Tsunami has been talking to me, seeking some way to stop you from leaving us all behind to go and fight." Catching his surprise that she was giving up how she knew something, she laughed gaily. "Oh you dear, dear man…this is what you are asking for, isn't it? A true union between us? You share what you know, I share what I know, we both try our best to stop this dolt we both love," she gestured to Misaki, "from ruining everything with her inability to control her emotional extremes?"

A true union? Did he want that, or did he simply want her to understand that he wanted to choose his own path in life?

"You want to be my husband, not my slave," she corrected the impression she'd given him. "I want you to slow down. To learn more about the power you wield now and in the future. We both want to spend more time together learning how to grow what we feel." Picking up her clothing from the floor, she tossed it into the hamper. "We can iron out the fine details later. For now, you need to go and address the others. I promise you, your power will ever remain your own. I just want you to not create situations that sew chaos or cause you endless grief, I don't want to control you." Walking over to the bed, she climbed up and under the covers to cuddle her wife. "I want a husband, not a pet."

+++++ NERV. Thursday, +23.

Shinji, on returning to a woman he had little doubt was volatile at the best of times, was once more caught off-guard. Instead of appearing to anger and fury, he was met with patient grace and a calm hug. Accepting her in his arms, he put as much warmth as he could muster into it before asking, "Before we continue, can I-"

"The mortals are safe, I delivered them to the showers personally so that they could clean themselves of the muck of battle." The important point out of the way, she began the lesser concern, "I feel him, in you. The creature from the cage," she whispered, not relinquishing the embrace. "The piece of you that was missing, the truth behind the inexplicable power. It is no more 'you' than your last meal, yet like a bad souffle it lingers as a palpable weight upon your existence." With a slow breath, she clung tighter. "I am sorry that I lost my temper with that…with her. I am sorry that I allowed my fear of losing a second chance at what should have been my first marriage to ruin your impression of how I feel. I am sorry that in my…grief, I lost sight of your needs. I cannot, and will not, swear to never do it again. I am flawed, and I will make mistakes. I will, however, swear to always apologize once I return to my senses so long as you swear to always return to talk things through with me before you do something we cannot fix."

The theme, flowing from all three powerful women he'd spoken with, began winning out over the paranoia. "Do you love me, or do you just love…what you think I am?"

Leaning back enough that she could look at him earnestly, she asked, "Why must it be either or? Can I not love what you symbolize while also retaining my affection for the man you present yourself as? Do you not love me as both woman and victim? I know that you desire to help me heal, and I love you for it. I know that you love my form, and I love you for it. Most of all…I know you love me for my honesty, and I will tear this universe apart for you if you ask it of me for it."

"I met another version of myself." Some of the knowledge he'd gained in the brief encounter began to sink in. "He…has some knowledge I think I can make use of to give you the time you need…so long as you promise to be patient with me."

+++++ The Moon. Thursday, +23.

Returning to the moon, finding Hild sitting on an outcropping while staring up at the stars in the distance, Shinji knew how best to begin this encounter. I am sorry. In the chaos, with everything going on, I lumped you in with the others. I should have known better than to do that to the one woman among all of you that never once lied to me about her reasoning.

If she had been facing him, he would have seen her smile. It's ok. It's kind of natural to have those kind of fears when you open yourself up to love. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried that you'd forget about me over time. I mean, all those beautiful women are enough to make a girl jealous from time to time.

Reaching her, he hugged her back to his front and exhaled the last of his breath. Will you look at me like that? Like…like I'm one second away from exploding and tearing everything around me to pieces?

Sugar, do you really think I won't be right there with you when you go? We're both a little mad. Tilting her head back to look up at him, she raised an eyebrow. I mean, really.

+++++ Living Quarters. Thursday, +23.

As he had promised, Shinji returned to Frigg. Before he could do more than open his mouth, he was motioned to silence.

"It is a good thing to question motivations, husband. Do not lose sight of that lesson in the long term." She tapped herself in the chest. "Had I done as much, I wouldn't be filled with anger and regret. Perhaps, though, next time do not allow yourself to become so angry that you create reasons to doubt us based purely on your darker impulses. As much as I have reason to doubt, and as little as I might trust the true motivations of some of our number…you ought to believe in their better angels first." Making a dismissing gesture, she sent him on his way. "I will assume we are safe to be about our business. Go see to those others you must, I am going home to take a bath."

Without any reason to object, he simply took her fingers up in his hand and kissed her knuckles before departing.

+++++ Cafeteria Seven-Alpha. Thursday, +23.

Shinji found Nanako and Minaho laughing while playing cards and snacking on vending machine food. Both women looked at him, frowned, then began laughing harder. Uncertain as to what to address first, his hesitation gave them a chance to state their case.

"Ok," Nanako started off, "we have something of a bet going. Minaho thinks that you separated all of us because you were worried about us hurting each other. I think that you separated all of us because you needed to chastise us in private. Did either of us win?"

"Minaho is closer to the truth," he admitted. "But she missed why I was…afraid."

"Ha," slapping the table, Minaho crowed in triumph, "I get to choose the place."

Nanako stuck her tongue out at her good friend, then returned to Shinji. "What were you afraid of, then?"

Honesty was a dual-edged weapon. He could say nothing, allowing the shame of his fears to linger in the darkness, or he could drag them out into the light and suffer the purifying truth to sear them away for all time. "That you two…that my affection for you was being leveraged against me to secure me to the Juraian Empire. That you had been ordered to seduce me, to control me." His heart fell as both women's good cheer drained. Still, he stood his ground as they approached him with neutral expressions. His fortitude was rewarded by a powerful hug from the two protectors.

"Shh, shh, shh," Minaho soothed him. "That must have been terrifying."

Nanako sniffled, tears hidden with her face against Shinji's chest. "I look at myself, then I look at Their Majesties, and I'm scared out of my mind that you'll forget about me. You're my captain, Shinji…my loyalty lies with you now."

Lacing his arms tightly about them, he let the hug linger. Sometimes, you needed to take the time to bask in love despite not having the time to do so. Sometimes, it was the strength you needed to face what was to come.

+++++ Dormitories. Thursday, +23.

Shinji arrived to where he had dropped off the three Norns, feeling much more secure in himself for what he had spoken of before. He was not surprised to find the three sisters engaging in different pastimes, but it did surprise him to see which pastimes those were. Skuld, rather than tinkering with machinery or jewelry, was reading a romance novel of some form in a language he couldn't identify. Verðandy was building a house of cards, which seemed a poor fit for her less whimsical character. Urðr, who he knew little about, was working with some form of needle and thread on a cloth to create a beautiful portrait of a rose. All three glanced over at him, curious as to the next step in his plan, none of which betrayed their inner emotions.

"Everyone is safe, and much calmer now," he began.

"Do you feel as stupid as you acted with us?" Skuld's tone, a mixture of forgiveness and castigation, made her opinion clear.

He eyed her askance. "I acted the way I did because it has been three weeks since I-"

"My sister does not mean all of us," Urðr corrected his misunderstanding. "She means the three of us. She tied herself to you to precipitate freedom for Ásgarðr from our father, I tied myself to you to ensure a fair deal for Niflheim, and Verðandy tied herself to you because you make her heart pound. You know why we did what we did. We told you."

Setting the last two cards atop her house, Verðandy took a different approach to the situation. "It has only been a few weeks since you first met any of those you now call family, true. In those few weeks, you have been faced with terrors unimaginable and triumphs inconceivable. What your darker thoughts do not take into account," setting one hand next to the base of the structure she'd built, she flicked one of the cards, the entire structure wobbled but did not collapse, "is that no single person is responsible for the entirety of the household. We either share the burden among all of us," at that, she took out one of the cards causing the entire pyramid to collapse, "or we fall apart. Responsibility must be shared, my love…we cannot make this work any other way."

"In other words," Skuld concluded, "how about you talk to your wives before you go winding yourself up in knots over imagined problems that only exist because you dreamed them up?"

The lesson learned, Shinji acquiesced to the chastisement he was receiving. "I know I am flawed, Skuld…I guess I just worry that you don't know how flawed I actually am."

At that, all three ladies faces grew incredulous. "Did…did you just pronounce my name correctly?"

He gestured to her with his palm face up, "Skuld," then to her elder sister, "Verðandy," then to the eldest, "Urðr." After a moment of thought, he switched back to the middle Norn. "Holy Bell…are you upset?"

Not at you. I'm upset at them. Her physical form remained hidden within her host, but her voice was clear. Tyr manipulated the situation to force Verðandy on you. Through that, the other two were forced upon you. That you accept them does not negate the fact that they were forced upon you. It is natural to then worry that others were similarly forced. Perhaps they don't know who forced them. Maybe they don't know that they were forced! I'm upset that they still haven't learned that not everything is about being 'right' or 'wrong', sometimes it's about hearing out the other side before making up your mind.

"I don't think she's answering," Skuld stated cautiously, none of the Norns showing any sign that they had heard Holy Bell's statement. "Our three Angels have been…kind of quiet lately."

About to say that he'd clearly heard the response, Shinji caught himself before divulging what might be private information. "I still have a few stops before I go home," he announced with as much calm as he could muster. "You three feel free to head there, if you want. Like I said, everyone's mostly calmed down." Without waiting further, he vanished from the room. If their Angels were growing dissatisfied, he needed to find out what that meant before people were hurt.

+++++ The Conclave. Thursday, +23.

Returning to Tsunami and Tokimi, Shinji was not surprised to find Washu speaking with The Wanderer. He was not surprised when The Wanderer motioned for her to pause the conversation. He was truly not surprised at all when The Wanderer's eyebrow quirked at him in an obvious question. Shaking his head slightly, Shinji answered in the negative, "It gets down in your mind, crawls through your gut. Makes you doubt things you shouldn't. None of them lied…to me. Some are lying to themselves, which will have its own challenges, of course."

"Of course," The Wanderer replied evenly. "You're rather calm, considering."

"I won't become him." Rolling his head around to stretch out his neck, he swung his arms back and forth for the joy of motion. "We spend all of this time fighting. Struggling. Clawing tooth and nail to try and show them that despite everything, all we want is to give them everything we can." Smashing both fists together in front of his chest, he sent a shockwave of pure destruction radiating outwards through the serenity of The Conclave.

Diverting the power around the 'fragile' people present, The Wanderer nodded his understanding. Realizations were happening, he didn't need to speak what they both knew aloud.

"Hild, Minaho, and Nanako." Unclenching his hands, Shinji shook them to work loose the pain he'd just inflicted on himself. "I see, in them, what you were talking about. They get me. So does Maya Ibuki." When The Wanderer chuckled, he looked back towards him to see what was funny only to receive a 'later' hand gesture. "Everyone else is either afraid of me or afraid of what I may become. It's like a burr under my skull, digging away every time they open their mouth."

Tsunami, seeing an opportunity to help, ventured, "You carry an anger with you everywhere you go. It is not an anger that you would point at any of us, but it is an anger that we feel regardless. In time, we will come to understand it."

"But will we learn that it is never actually aimed at us?" Washu, seeing the practical concern, approached Shinji and pulled him into a hug. "I'm sorry. When I look at you, I see too many different things at once. One of those things is a being of such indescribable power that my sisters and I together would struggle to slow you down. I see the damage you could do with a brief loss of control. I see the damage you can do if someone pushes you too far. It's all balanced out by the love I see in you for me. The awareness that we have to be beyond careful about who we allow near you. The innocence, the lack of guile, it's both a blessing to see and a curse to bear…you'd never see the threat until the trap was sprung."

Happily accepting the hug, though still scowling at the world, Shinji rumbled out, "I can either accept everyone as they are, or I can hate all of you…I don't have an in between."

"You will, in time," The Wanderer encouraged him. "Can't get to that point without going through what you are now."

"Well, he could," Kaoru, stepping into the loose circle they occupied, announced with a smarmy smirk. "But that would require that he step out of your oh-so-carefully designed script."

Shinji froze in place as he saw The Wanderer's eye slide slowly over to the Seventeenth Angel. Once more feeling as if he were a small mouse standing before a monstrously enormous cat, he carefully moved Washu so that she was behind him and out of immediate danger. "Nagisa-san, I truly have no desire to fight."

"Only kinda true," she quipped. "The other you right there," she gestured lazily to The Wanderer, "would love to get his hands around my neck. Can't, though. Rules are rules."

"I can make you very, very uncomfortable." The Wanderer's tone was icy calm, "Just can't kill you."

"You could, true," she agreed affably. "But you won't, because you're wondering why I'm here and you know you won't get anything out of me if you start swinging." Turning her back to him, facing Shinji more fully, her smile changed from feral to friendly. "What do you know about souls?"

"Practically nothing." Shinji could see The Wanderer past Kaoru, saw him motion for him to keep her talking. "Supposedly we all have one, or…maybe are one."

"A fair enough summary. Do you know what happens to a soul when it's erased from this layer?"

He shook his head slowly. "What do you mean layer?"

"Mmm, yeah you probably wouldn't know that yet." Holding both hands out so that her fingers crossed each other at right angles, she looked around them to him. "Think of a grid, like this." The spot on the center-right lit up. "That's where we are right now. Next to it," the center spot lit up while the other dimmed, "is where he's from," she tipped her head back towards The Wanderer. "When a soul is erased from this layer, there are some…judgments made. The first judgment is a characterization of the soul in question. What did they do in life, what did they not do in life, how did they face their death, things like that. The second judgment is an estimation of their 'weight'. How powerful are they, what are they capable of." Spreading her hands to her sides, she smiled softly. "What you think of as a dimension, in the sense of height, depth, things of that nature, is wholly inaccurate past the realm you occupy. However, one consistency is volume. You see, all of these layers are supporting one another…like a house of cards."

Shinji's anger flared, only softened enough to not snap outward by his defense of Washu being the priority. "You've been watching me?"

"Watching?" Kaoru scoffed. "Honeybear, I've been helping you. You see, if I let you do your own little things tall, dark, and irritating back there wouldn't have come here at all. You would have been left to fend for yourself against Order while he dealt with far more powerful, far more useful, versions of you." Waving away the interruption, she continued her analogy, "The house of cards is built to withstand some 'wibble', but when you start depopulating entire sections of the cake the whole thing starts imploding."

When The Wanderer's face fell flat, Shinji began to see that he wasn't the one being spoken to. "What happens when they're too full?"

Clicking her cheek, she pointed at him with a grin. "See, this is why you shouldn't sell yourself short. You're thinking ahead. What does happen if Order, for example, fills each little section of a layer to the brim with their existence?"

"…Fuck." The Wanderer walked over and turned Kaoru to face him. "Why?"

"Because your plan is causing problems, and I'm the perfect little messenger. Parts of me still exist in this layer, here and there, but since there's an increasingly smaller proportion of males out there the parts of me are all the feminine ones." Kaoru looked up at him with all pretense at humor gone. "You can't section off portions of this layer without causing this. You can't let Order continue to spread, without causing worse. I don't have the answers, but I agreed to come back and tell you this to stop the problems from flooding into the surrounding layers." She paused, then sighed. "The other option is they erase this layer entirely. That's coming down from far, far above the movers and shakers in the surrounding layers so don't get snippy with me."

Shinji's mind had stuck on one specific point of order. "Useful?"

Thumping Kaoru on the top of her head, The Wanderer chastised her first, "That was both petty, and inapt." Looking to Shinji he engaged damage control, "You have seen the war we are facing. You're powerful, but you haven't reached the level of power that can hold together an entire universe on your own. That's not a flaw, and it does not mean you're useless. What it means is that I would have left you here to grow and learn without my interference. To stretch your wings and fly as high as you can. When you were ready, if you were ever truly ready, I would have approached you. Right now, you know far more than you can make use of and that's going to increase your anxiety. You see the cliff, but you don't have a way to help us all avoid it."

"You're…not taking him from us?" Tsunami's voice was small, but filled with hope.

"I never intended to," he replied with an irritated sigh. "Do you think I'm this powerful alone? I'm able to spend a few hours here because I have an entire army helping me handle everything from childcare to political negotiations. We," he wagged a finger between himself and Shinji, "need this," he gestured to the three Choushin, "in order to have a snowball's chance in hell of winning. We need support, we need love, we need an anchor to the good parts of life. Successful Shinji Ikari find that. Unsuccessful-"

"Dead Shinji don't." Kaoru challenged The Wanderer's glare. "You want to get on me for being petty, you need to accept that you sugarcoat. You're gentle with the little ones, which is a great trait in a father but a shitty trait in a leader. He needs to be challenged, needs to know the score, and needs you to stop tiptoeing around. If he wants to play in the big leagues he needs honesty."

Shinji, with the gift given to him by Tokimi, was now fully capable of reading between lines. "If I didn't have them…I wouldn't have succeeded. If Ritsuko hadn't pushed me to save her, if Maya hadn't given me a reason to fight harder, if the Juraians hadn't lifted me out of my father's trap, if the Ásgarðians hadn't fortified me…we succeed because we allow them close," his voice grew hard, "we fail because we try to do too much on our own. I understand." He had to work harder. "I have a household to get to, and work to start. Leave this corner to me."

"If you find that you can't handle it anymore," The Wanderer seemed proud of the younger version of himself, "remember what you just said. We're the captains of our own destiny, my brother, but a captain without a crew is a madman sailing wherever the ocean takes him."

"I'll be checking in from time to time," Kaoru added. "He can't kill me, and I'm not going to go with him. Focus on getting better, and try to remember that love isn't always a forever thing." With that, she disappeared.

The Wanderer scowled at where she'd been standing, then scoffed and shrugged. "I'm going to head out myself." Looking to Shinji, then Washu, he smiled softly. "Take good care of him. He's rough, but there's some good clay there."

"He also fucks like a racecar," Washu added with panache. "We'll keep him upright long enough to join you. Keep the light on for us, yeah?"

The Wanderer waved over his shoulder, walking back through the portal to his own realm and closing it behind him. The lighting returned to 'normal', the proto-dawn that was most comfortable for the ladies present. Silence stretched out for a time as those present began the long process of determining where they should stand on everything they were facing.

"Still way too much to do," Shinji eventually muttered into the void. "I still need to talk with Hikari, Sakura, and Amano-chan. I need to find a way to talk to Holy Bell without worrying Verðandy. I need to find out what they plan on doing with the Evangelions now that the Angels are gone. I need to get my mother out of Unit-01. I need to ask around about ceremonies or whatever people want to do with marriages. I need to talk to Michael-san about Ásgarðr." Blowing out a heavy sigh, he shook his head. "The list just grows with every day that passes."

"But you're not facing it alone," Washu offered.

"No, not alone." He looked towards Tsunami, his face contemplative. "I'm going to need all the help I can get. I'm going to need people who are willing to work harder than they've ever worked before. I'm going to need to reach outside of my comfort zone to become the type of man I want to be." He then switched his gaze to Tokimi. "We've been reeling from crisis to crisis, and I've learned…too much about myself in the past three weeks. I think it's time for a period of calm." Stepping away from Washu, he brought her to where everyone could be seen by him. "Can I rely on you all? You are sisters, just as the Norns. I am going to push for peace, or at least for a cessation of active hostilities. We need to get ready for Order, and we can't afford to have anyone not pulling their weight." Receiving two affirmatives and a conditional positive, he let go of his anger. It wouldn't do him any good for now. "Ok then. Let's go find a future worth living in."

+++++ Author's Note:

This was a hard story to write. Challenging, perhaps is a better way to describe it. My 'shorthand' is apparently over two hundred and twenty-five thousand words, and I was taking shortcuts left, right, and center. I wanted to write a story where things were 'happy', but that happiness was still earned to a point. I wanted to write a Shinji that didn't fight with everyone he loved all the time. A Shinji that wasn't the smartest, or strongest. To be honest? Not my genre.

I think I'll stick to what I'm good at, leave attempts at casting rainbows to those far better than I.