Ah HA! An update!
Sarah summoned two crystals in each hand, running her rough thumb over the cool surface. Light burst into the room, bouncing off the crystals and nearly frying Sarah's eyes out for a moment.
The queen actually froze, looking Sarah up and down incredulously. Sarah, despite herself, immediately flushed red.
"Well, I see you're inexperienced." The queen said. She shook her hands and the crystal bubble vanished. She grasped Sarah's wrists. Sarah gasped. They were as cold as ice, and shifted in and out of Sarah's skin, buzzing unpleasantly. It crawled up her arms, trickled up her neck and through her nose into her head.
Memories she didn't recognize exploded in her mind, crowding out all thoughts of her own. She was not Sarah, she was the queen, sitting at her desk, fingers lazily rolling a crystal in a circle on her desk as she read papers. She felt the rough edge of the paper, and the grassy breeze coming through the winder, and she of course felt the smooth crystal as she drew Truth form its depths as she read. She felt the cold wind cutting into her face as she ran through the city to the walls, hand tight over her crystal. Fear had taken her throat and twisted into knots. She felt the portion of her mind, felt the chemicals shooting in the right places in her mind to make the correct thoughts, to make the crystal bring Truth.
The memories flashed and flashed through her mind, disconnected, hacking in her mind like a mad ax murderer. Knowledge hit her again, and again, with no end. There was nothing but the information given, nothing but the thump of her slippers as she careened across the cobblestones while cool clarity pushed against her mind or the fresh smell as a fire crackled while she turned a page and basked in the calm of Truth and there had to be more, more than these disjointed memories and she thirsted like a man wandering for desert for the cool, fresh pleasure of a thought she could carry for longer than three seconds and a feeling other than the Truth that flowed, cold and uncaring from the Crystal into her.
She was talking with a goblin, her hand hidden in her skirts so he would not see she doubted his word as she pulled from the crystal, always pulled from the crystal and her mind rang like a bell on a cold clear day. She didn't know who she was but she knew that she was sitting at a desk with the breeze cooling her face and Truth cooling her mind. She was drawing Truth from the crystal as she ran. Drawing Truth, always Truth and nothing else, there was nothing else than forever drawing and drawing over and over again but never truly tasting the effects.
A cold sort of determination and a solid, long lasting feeling settled in the bottom of the mind where the screaming current couldn't reach it. She wanted this feeling gone, and she wanted those chattering, busy, insistent forever repeating memories locked away so peaceful, long lasting ones could take their place.
Carefully, she gathered herself up, stumbling here and there in the force of the current, but unable to truly be knocked over, and pushed. She threw herself up against them and forced them away and out and gone.
The queen let go.
Sarah buckled, leaning against her knees, trembling and sweating like mad. Her hair was plastered to her hot scalp, and she scraped it away. Cool air pushed against her neck. She shivered. And then she couldn't stop shaking.
"I apologize." The queen said. "I forget how vulnerable the sense of oneself is when so young."
"What did you do to me?" Sarah rasped out. Despite all her efforts to sound angry, it came out small, and weak, and a new kind of fear hovered underneath her skin, tugging at tendons and muscles to run, run, run anywhere as long as it was away from this woman that could destroy her and replace her with herself so easily.
"I imparted my knowledge of how to draw Truth out of crystals, without the assistance of the light."
Sarah's stomach turned itself inside out, and she wretched out a few burning drops of acid and spit. Because she could still feel it. The knowledge was spiked into her, quite at home with the instincts she had built herself, the knowledge of how far to turn a steering wheel, or how to grip a fork. But it wasn't right, it didn't fit, because the memories of the queen were still there. Faint, but lumpy and sharp and not her and she couldn't wedge it out. It was coming home and seeing a stranger in your house, and all you could do was stare and stare at them and hope they didn't act out. It was a part of herself she didn't know, and she had no idea of what it could do. She couldn't get it out. It was wrong and unforgettable and not her and yet it was there and it wouldn't go.
It was as bad as standing in a doorway cracked open and realizing that her world was shattering apart while she watched her mother cheat on her father. The betrayal, the fear and horror at seeing something that had lived with you for so long but you never realized was capable of such evil. But the memory only just been seared into her mind, and she might have a chance at evicting it- getting it out if she would only pushed enough.
So she pushed. She screamed and tried and tried to convince her mind and arms and hand and the power inside her that formed the crystals that it was the enemy, but it welcomed it like she had done the work herself. That she herself had spent hours and hours in meditation, years of practice, grasping at the little truths to step by step improve her skills. But she hadn't. The Queen of the Labyrinth had, and now a part of her was copied into Sarah and she would forever live with the pain and horror of knowing there was a part of herself that she had never wanted, never worked for, and had placed itself inside her, refusing to leave.
Sarah didn't even realize she was scraping at her skull until she felt the queen wrenching her hands away from it. She had collapsed against the wall. The queen knelt over her, cold hands tight hands around her wrists again, holding them away from where they could hurt herself. Her soul buzzed, and for a moment a shadow of her hands twisted and bend around the queen's wrists, but her soul could not escape with them there.
Overtime her soul settled, and she recovered enough to hold her own. Her skull began to throb, cold and raw. Which made sense, since her fingernails were coated with red, and black-brown strands of hair tangled through her fingers.
She broke down, weeping. Her sobs were pathetic little hoarse hiccups, and she wanted so very much for it all to be over. She wanted her family safe and the Labyrinth healed and for her to take up the mantle as It's queen just as she had foreseen months ago in the ruined remains of her family's house, meditating among the splintered furniture and the broken china. She had seen it, it would be real, why couldn't she just skip to then?
"The pain will ease." The queen said, hands tight and cold around Sarah's. Not allowing even the chance of her escaping.
"It won't." Sarah choked.
"It will." The queen's nostrils flared. "You will use it, and make your own experiences, and in time it will become yours. Or-" she added sourly, "-you could refuse to use it at all, and it will fade from your mind and you will have to build it up yourself again."
Sarah sneered. "I might."
The queen gave a long suffering sigh. "The light is for children, to help them practice, not for a woman such as yourself."
"I am a child. I've only been making crystals for six years."
The queen's eyes widened, just a touch, and her lips thinned. "I had wondered how the elasticity of a human mind would respond with the powers of the ideals. You have progressed… well."
Sarah laughed a short, angry laugh, and hunched back down into herself, her face falling into her bloody hands and held back another sob.
The queen waited patiently, her hands clasped in her lap and her back ramrod straight.
Sarah suddenly decided she hated her. She was sure what the queen said was True, all her words rang especially well through the cavern and somehow she knew nothing but pure Truth could do that. But she was cruel. And she didn't even seem to know it.
"Why- why didn't you ask? Sarah said. Nearly whimpered. "Why couldn't you ask first?"
The queen's head tilted to the side, and she raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You would have said yes." She said, as if it made it right.
"But I didn't." Sarah hissed back.
The queen's lip curled. "But you would have, and the Labyrinth needed the assistance, and I want to go rest again. It was faster. Or-" she said, correcting herself, "it would have been. I should have fed you memories of my learning the process, then directed-"
"You should have asked." Sarah said, leaning forward. "Why couldn't you have taken five seconds-"
"If I had done things right there would have hardly been any disruption and we would be well on our way in saving the Labyrinth. I apologize for so overwhelming you but I will not apologize for wanting this to be over as soon as possible." The queen stood and she fingered the silver pendant around her neck. Emerald green sparks crackled at her fingers, and deep beneath them, deep in the earth, in her very bones Sarah felt something shift. "Come. Enough of this. Let us be ready."
"Bitch." Sarah hissed.
The queen stopped the rubbing, and she looked down at Sarah. Her eyes narrowed.
"I did not have to come, Sarah Williams." She warned. "I could have guided you to the portal and sent you on your way. You would have sorted out the portal eventually, and then you would have destroyed yourself opening it as soon as possible. This is Truth. Is this not better?"
Sarah gripped her hands, and pushed herself up with her fists. "Fine."
The queen smiled a pleased smile that all was as she wanted it to be. Quickly, she clapped her hands together, the sharp noise cracking like a gunshot through the room. Again, she pulled them apart revealing the bulbous, clear, bubble.
Sarah spared a glance to their audience. Savid was watching with rapt fascination, yet with his back to the wall near the entrance. All the easier to run away, she supposed.
But Jareth, Jareth was glaring at the queen with all the hatred a single being was capable of.
Did he know? Did he have an idea of what she had done? Or was it because she had hurt Sarah?
"Sarah," The queen said, "I require your tether."
Sarah slowly turned away from them. She summoned a crystal in each hand. The unfamiliar instinct raced through her mind, and she almost turned them on right away. Almost. Carefully, she reigned the urge in.
She ran her thumb over the cool, calming surface, thinking of it like a light switch, and Truth emanated through those crystals. No light came out.
"You need not use your thumb." The queen pointed out.
"I'm making it mine." Sarah snapped. "Now shut up and get to work."
The queen's pleasant expression soured, but she didn't comment. "Very well." She stepped in front of Sarah. "You must hold steady." The queen warned. "Do not even attempt to glean what I am doing, I only require your tether to reality."
Sarah expected more pain, while opening the Labyrinth. All throughout this journey there had been pain. From almost drowning, to the thousand times she hit her head, to losing herself in the fifth layer to having someone else forced inside herself. But it there was nothing.
The queen stood between Sarah's arms and she closed her eyes. She flung her bubbling crystal water over the portal, and then raised her arms, and concentrated. Her eyes fluttered, and her lips whispered rapid words Sarah couldn't hear and didn't know.
At times, she felt the Queen- there was no words for it- but it was almost as if she leaned against Sarah's soul for support, somehow. Sarah held her up, pushed her against the might of something much, much larger than themselves. But she hardly had to do anything at all.
The queen continued chanting. Over time, Sarah's arms grew tired, they drooped. It almost seemed dull, standing there, a glorified footstool. She glanced over to Savid, and Jareth. Savid was as avid as ever, frozen as he watched the queen. He didn't blur at all.
Jareth watched Sarah, his eyes gleaming with a thousand questions.
She smiled a little, and shrugged for an answer.
Over time, the queen's hands drooped too, and her skin began to glisten with sweat. She licked her lips, to moisten them as she chanted, and her brow furrowed deeper and deeper.
Drops began to trickle down her neck, and her arms began to tremble. Once, she choked back what almost seemed a sob. For a moment, she stood frozen, lips trembling.
Sarah watched her, raising her arms a little higher, unsure if it would held or not. Silently, Savid and Jareth watched the two of them.
The queen finally gave a little toss of her head and continued, mouthing ever more urgently than before.
Her hair became damp with sweat, but she never stopped tracing out the words on her lips. Then, suddenly, she began to whisper.
She'd made so little noise this whole time that it startled Sarah as much as a gunshot. The words were fast, very fast, and they translated themselves into Sarah's head conveniently, but she ignored them, pushing them to the back of her head. They were not for her to comprehend.
The Queen's whispers grew until she was talking normally, her speeding words nearly tripping over themselves in the eching crystal cavern. Then, she nearly shouted. Screaming at the top of her lungs, talking faster and faster until even Sarah could no longer understand them.
The words filled the cavern, bouncing off walls and dancing around thicker than thieves, than anything. The queen trembled all over like mad, now, and she seemed almost desperate.
Her eyes shot opened wider than plates. Her mouth dropped open and she screamed. Sarah dropped the crystals, covering her ears. The crystals shattered on the ground. The queen paid them no mind. She screamed. On and on and on, endless, meaningless, shrill sounds. Tears streamed down her face, mixing with her sweat that trickled down her trembling. It was the scream Sarah had heard in her dream.
Finally, the scream stopped. The queen's mouth remained open, and she stared off into nothing.
Jareth suddenly swore. There wasn't an exact translation, but it was by someone called "maker of all things."
The queen flinched, and her mouth snapped shut. She cringed, and like a small child she looked forlornly up at the ceiling.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. She collapsed on the stone floor. For one horrible moment, she thinned even further, and her simple white gown darkened and flickered dark like a wraith's. But it faded back to white, and the queen remained.
Sarah stood there, frozen. Were they done? Had the spell failed?
The queen began to weep. Slowly she placed each palm against the floor and kissed the stone once, twice, three times.
"I'm sorry." She said. Only she didn't really say it, but she felt it.
Slowly she sat up, hunched over herself and looking as miserable as could be.
Distantly, beneath her, Sarah felt something rumble under her feet.
The queen twitched. "No." She snapped, her voice cracking. "No I will not- no." She straightened, and that queenly look overcame her face. "No, of course not. My father, my sister- they wait for me. My time has come. It did come, and I will not give it up for you. Not for anything."
She set her hands against her knees and stood slowly, wincing a little. She turned to Sarah. "Can you take the amulet?" She asked. "I do not think I could lift my arms to do it myself."
"No!" Jareth's voice called across the room, echoing as the queen's had.
"Take it." The queen hissed.
Jareth began to run towards them. "Do not-"
Sarah snatched the amulet at the queen's chest.
Pain seared up her arm, and the world fell down.
May, 2000
Sarah flipped through a month old magazine absently. Edith's head was hot against Sarah's side, but she was finally asleep, and Sarah didn't really want to wake her by moving. Which left Sarah's reading options to the coffee table beside the couch. She'd passed over the Bible, and the phone book, which left National Geographic.
"Sarah?" Toby asked.
She grunted.
"Can we call the hospital?"
"Dad said he'd call us when he had another update." Sarah popped a page with her thumb. "No reason to ask for one when he doesn't have one."
"Well… yeah. I guess." Toby slumped on the couch.
A few goblins were slumped, asleep, against Edith. One of them yawned and snuggled a little more against her pajamas.
"How long does it usually take, you know, for the baby to be born?"
Sarah shrugged. "Depends. You took twenty three hours. Edith took thirty."
"What?!"
Sarah lowered National Geographic to shook him a look. "Edith needs to sleep." She warned in a low voice.
She'd been sobbing almost constantly after Robert had taken Karen to the hospital. It had taken hours for her to calm down. To be fair, it had been quite dramatic. They'd all been sitting around the dining table, eating calmly, when Karen had gone deathly pale and screamed she needed to go to the hospital. The goblins had started panicking, running in circles around the living room and yelling at the top of her lungs. Robert had even carried her out the door.
It had taken no less than two hours to calm everything down. The goblin had been pretty easily distracted by the television when Sarah turned it on, but Edith had required an hour and cuddling and reassurance.
"Sorry." Toby hissed. "I just didn't know."
Sarah glanced at him. "Didn't Karen and Dad tell you anything?"
Toby threw his hands up, pulling the collar of his shirt up to his chin. "Well, they said it might take a couple days, but I thought that was just so they could monitor her after, you know, pushing a whole person outside her rear." He groaned. "Don't you have work tomorrow?"
"I already left them a message."
Toby crossed his arms, hunching even further into the couch. "You don't have to watch us, you know. I'm old enough to babysit now. I just did it for Mrs. Burks kid's down the street."
"And leave you to the mercy of the goblins?" Sarah said. "What if they start screaming again? Besides, it seems wrong just to leave you guys hanging. There's a lot more responsibility here than just, I don't know, than a date night. I want to."
"I guess." Toby scrunched up his nose. "Maybe I should go to bed, then. It's not like she's going to be born soon."
Finally. It was one in the morning, and she hadn't wanted to sleep until he had. "Great idea. Honestly, you should get it while you can. Chances are the new baby won't be much better than Edith when she was little."
He laughed. "Yeah. Yeah. I should."
He didn't move. He sunk a little deeper into the couch. He uncrossed his legs and stared at the wall.
Sarah eyed up. "You gonna sleep on the couch?"
"Um." He chuckled and shook his head. "No. No. I'll go sleep in my room." He pushed himself up and stood in place, bouncing a little in place. "Night." He said. He glanced at Edith. "Do you want some help-?
"Let me worry about getting Edith in her own bed."
"Okay. Thanks." Toby wove around the furniture in the living room. The stairs creaked as he climbed up. Robert had been meaning to pull up the carpet and fix them for ages, but he hadn't yet.
Sarah rubbed her weary eyes. She picked up National Geographic again and started looking through an article on the Brazilian forests.
Toby suddenly thudded back down the stairs, stopping at the landing. "Sarah?"
She snapped her head up to stare at him. "Yeah?"
He looked at her anxiously, then grinned. "I love you Sar."
Sarah blinked. Her throat tightened, but she smiled around it. "I love you too, Tobes." She waved him away. "Off to bed with you."
"Okay. Night." Toby said, and dashed up the stairs again.
Sarah swallowed down the knot and picked up National Geographic, but she didn't really see the article anymore.
Still, she flipped through the pictures until the clock struck two, and then she set it down and picked up Edith. It wasn't easy, especially with the goblins that slept in her lap, but Sarah managed to untangle the whole mess without waking anyone. She carried her into bed without waking her.
After that, she crashed on the couch. The guest bedroom, which had once been her bedroom, had long since been turned into a nursery for the coming baby. But, Karen liked the squishy long kind of couches, with huge flower prints which, while hideous, were great for sleeping on.
She laid down, then twisted her hand. Sure enough, her finger tightened around a hard, clear, crystal.
She rubbed her thumb to turn the light on and held it to her chest. She breathed in, and out, and emptied her head.
It was difficult. And boring. She'd never realized that one of her coping mechanisms was distraction before. But it was. Toys. Books. Clutter. Schoolwork. Work. Anything to avoid thinking about where she was going, until it was right up in her face.
That was one of the most difficult things about meditating about the crystals. She had to acknowledge all of her discomforts. All of them. The pain of watching her mother leave her behind. The guilt of being so mean to Karen. And, of course, wishing away Toby.
The more she let go, the deeper she sunk into the crystal's meditation.
It was then she could ask questions. Sometimes, most of the time now, she'd get answers. She wasn't sure if they came from herself, or the crystal. She was more likely to get an answer if she already knew something on the subject. But maybe it was easier to pull answers like that because there was more she understood, ergo, the easier the answers were to pull out. Questions on the exact source of this knowledge were vague and touched on something that promised a lot of answers she wasn't ready for. So she let it be.
She had no questions now, she was just practicing. It was boring, too, not thinking about anything. Her casework, her family, even that book she'd picked up. She'd never realized how much she craved easy entertainment until she had to go without. But it had to go for a clear mind and a peaceful space. It was good for her, and made getting answers when she really needed them important.
She wasn't really asleep, during these times. Mostly just so deep in her own head that the real world stopped seeming real and more theoretical. Something to analyze, not to live in. Like daydreaming.
Which was why she heard the door creak as it opened, and heard Robert rubbing the dirt off his shoes as he walked through the door.
Sarah turned off the crystal and slipped it in her pocket. She sat up, and glanced at the clock. It was four forty nine.
"Ah shoot." She rubbed her eyes. "Is it already over, Dad?"
"They decided to perform a c-section." Robert said. He stared blankly at the closet for a second before pulling out a hanger for his jacket. He continued, now that he'd gotten his barings. "Karen got her tubes tied. This is the last kid. Girl." He added, absently. "We named her Jane. Karen thought she looked more like a Mary but-" he rolled his eyes, "that name has been overused since before the birth of Christ. Jane is fine."
"Oh." Sarah sat up and groaned. "Congratulations, dad. But uh, shouldn't you be with her?"
"She's alright. And the baby's fine." He closed the closet door and turned around. "Thought I'd relieve you of your post. You've got work tomorrow, right?"
"I called in." Sarah smiled. "I can stay. Toby was a bit nervous, I could tell. It's been a while since Edith was born."
"You babysat for him then, too." Robert smiled at her, and sighed. "We really appreciate you taking care of everything while we were gone. It's a load off our shoulders."
Sarah shrugged. "Of course."
Robert collapsed on the couch and pulled his leg up. He fumbled slowly with the ties of his shoes. "You know," he said, "you don't have to come every week for Sunday dinner. If you've gone other plans. Or if one of your friends wants to do something."
"That's what Saturdays are for." Sarah said stiffly, even though the last three Saturdays she'd been working up to midnight.
"Fair, fair." Robert fell back against the couch, holding the shoe in his lap. He stared at the wall for a second, and frowned. "I worry about you." He said, suddenly.
"Really?"
"You never talk about friends, outside of the goblins. You haven't dated to my knowledge since college. You work, a lot, but you never seem to want to spend the money. No vacations, no hobbies, no clothes. Your apartment is tiny. And- you're always welcome in our home- but you spent a lot of time here, Sarah. A lot of time babysitting even though Toby's more than capable of doing it. I just-" he glanced at her. "We're not always going to be there, Sarah. Soon enough Toby will be off to college and then Edith, and I guess we've got some time with Jane but… I worry. I worry about you."
Sarah stared at the floor, jaw tight. "You've been thinking about this one for a while, haven't you?" She said in a low, quiet voice.
"I have been. And I don't want to pressure you into anything, but-" he shook his head.
Sarah frowned, and stared at the floor. It was natural that he'd think that way, she supposed. She'd wondered it about herself, too, for a long, long, time. It wasn't until she'd had the crystal that she'd understood.
"I'm not interested in dating." She said firmly. "And this kind of work gets busy. I have friends at work. We go out for drinks sometimes. And I read, mostly, for entertainment. I watch the news. I exercise at the gym. I cook, sometimes I'll cook fancy stuff. Honestly, most of my money goes to Jessica's fund. I'd rather it go there, where it does some good, you know? And I visit you guys. And I'm happy. I'm happy, dad."
"No stunning millionaire coworkers ready to sweep you off your feet?" Robert asked, a smile to his mouth.
"Mostly middle aged, upper middle class married dudes with a growing pot belly, actually." Sarah replied seriously. "Not that it stops some of them from flirting."
Robert grimaced.
"I'm fine, dad." Sarah reached out and squeezed his hand. "I'll be okay. I promise. No matter what."
He glanced down at their hands and smiled warmly. "I hope so princess." He hesitated, then said quickly, "is it girls? Because I know Karen is a strong Christian, but she's-"
"No, no." Sarah corrected, laughing. "Not girls, not guys just… me. It's just me dad. I've got me and I'm just fine the way I am. That's all."
"That's all, huh?"
"Yup."
"Well," he glanced at her, smiling. "I guess I can't ask more than that."
The Williams family just chillen with goblins in their house is just my favorite thing ever. Your average American household that just happens to contain creatures from hell.
Dear lord I am so ready to be over with this arc, I have to think so carefully over every aspect of the chapters. And constantly writing Sarah in pain is no fun. And not easy. Hopefully it reads well and isn't too repetitive. Anyhoo, now I can finally work on another chapter of A Changing World. I wouldn't let myself do that until I finished this.