Look At This Godforsaken Mess That You Made Me…

A/N: Well deserved FLUFF to start. I wanted to keep the dream full of softness and intimacy rather than go straight for the hot stuff. SORRY. Not. I wanted Red to realise what he's missing.

Contains mixed dialogue, taken from 6x20.

Song is: Illicit affairs - Taylor Swift.

Part Four: You Showed Me Colours, You Know I Can't See With Anyone Else…

He became keenly aware of the warmth of another body, he was so comfortable, stretching out in what could be the comfiest bed he'd ever slept in. He blinked, trying to place where he was, there was a vague familiarity. The softness of the other body pressed into his side, skin against soft skin, a leg tangled against his own. The awareness of a delicate scent of soft dark hair splaying out against his shoulder filled his senses and he knew inexplicably who was laying beside him. He lifted his head, warm light was filtering through the heavy velvet curtains and then he knew - the lake house. He curled into her allowing his body to mould against hers as he pulled her closer, his hand splaying out across the naked skin of her abdomen, his fingers lightly tracing her ribs. He felt contented and happy, the kind of happy that could fill your being, the kind of happiness that makes everything else fade around you. He couldn't recall ever feeling this way as he buried his face into her hair, breathing deeply. She moaned in her sleep, wriggling backwards into him and he tucked his face into the crook of her neck and shoulder, pressing a light kiss to her skin. He wanted her to wake up, wanted her to look up at him with those impossibly blue eyes of hers. She rolled in his arms, her face tilted up at him and her mouth slightly open. She was so beautiful it took his breath away, her brow furrowed slightly and he moved a hand to trace the lines easing out her frown. A warm lightness spread out across his chest and he smiled down her in peaceful slumber. He studied her face, mapping it out and committing it to memory, the darkness of her eyebrows again the alabaster of her skin, the dusting of freckles across her cheekbones to the pinkness of her lips. He traced her bottom lip with his finger. Her eyelids fluttered and she let out a small sigh as he traced lightly across her jawline, peaceful and contented in his arms.

She breathed in deeply, stretching her back as she raised her hand to cup his face, her eyes blinking open. She smiled up at him, a genuine smile making her blue eyes crinkle and sparkle back at him, a light blush darkening her freckles.

'Morning…' She murmured peacefully, contentment in her voice. He returned her smile, something was different about her and he couldn't put his finger on it but in that moment he didn't care because they were here where they belonged, bathed in the morning sun in a shared receptivity and he couldn't imagine ever wanting to leave her side again.

'Good Morning, Lizzy my love…' He replied affectionately still studying her face, he traced his fingers lightly down her neck, tracing the line of her collarbone across the side of her breast and lightly across her ribs. She let out a giggle, wriggling beneath his fingers as he hit a ticklish spot. He laughed with her, pressing slightly harder as she squirmed in his arms. They stopped together, eyes connected and sharing a smile. Her breath hitched as he hit the sensitive spot where her hip met her abdomen, his fingers curled around her hip bone, resting for a moment.

'Are you going to kiss me or just keep staring?' She asked lightly, the hint of a laugh still in her voice as she wrapped her arm around his neck.

'Oh I don't know, I'm just checking you're real…' He pinched her gently and she let out a squeal, pulling him down to meet her lips. He savoured the taste of her, the sweetness, the vulnerability of her tentative kiss. He pulled her hips flush against him, already hard by her closeness.

The clanging sounded like an old monastery bell in the far distance and he frowned, his hand sliding lightly up her back leaving goosebumps in his wake. She moved her leg, crossing it over his hip brushing her arousal against him and he growled deep in his throat earning him a smile against his lips. The clanging grew louder like it was summoning him to something, he didn't want to move away from her, didn't want to ever leave her again. Clang, clang clang. He jumped awake as the baton banged against the bars of his cell leaving him feeling bereft, a chill running across his skin, hard and aching beneath the blanket.

The yearning for what wasn't was overwhelming as it washed over him, pitting his stomach with a hollow feeling. He buried his face in his pillow, closing his eyes against the bright light from the window opposite. He wanted her back, wanted to be back there with her in his arms, in his bed as her body surrendered willingly against him. He sat up, unaccustomed to sleeping this late, the ache of his longing rising like a wave and he couldn't quite seem to stifle it.

She woke in a warm haze, wrapped in his scent between the sheets of his bed. She lay still not quite feeling like she wanted to move. His bed was comfortable but as she lay surrounded by his things, as they had left them long ago, she didn't quite feel so terrible. It felt like he was away and would be coming home soon, she preferred this delusion to reality. She'd kept mostly to herself for the last four days, wandering the grounds or sleeping in his big bed thinking about what she'd done and what she'd lost. She had been quiet, content in solitude away from everyone and everything. She and Dembe sat together during meals, he made no comment at what little she ate and he dispensed her medication, not quite trusting her to do it herself. She hadn't thought about drinking and had taken to running around the lake when she felt her emotions building up to a boiling point. But today, today she thought apprehensively she would have to leave her sanctuary. She had an appointment with Selma and her shame over leaving their last appointment burned deeply.

Her phone buzzed softly against the nightstand, it hadn't buzzed since she had been here and seemed loud and intrusive. She paused as she saw the number flashing across the screen, her insides twisting. She picked it up, her hands suddenly shaking, hesitating over answering it. She hit the button unable to speak.

'Elizabeth…' He spoke her name, an edge of coldness to his voice, masking his true feeling.

She faltered in her newfound peace feeling caught out ensconced in his sheets. She closed her eyes, trying to summon her voice.

'Red…' Her voice wavered, not ready to face him. Her fragile composure shattering around her as her chest tightened, anxiety returning.

'Where are you?' He asked briskly, sitting at the desk in his cell. He wanted to picture her, he knew very well where she was.

'At the lake house, Dembe brought me here a few days ago…' She frowned, surely he would've already spoken to Dembe, he would have been updating him even if they hadn't spoken.

'Are you with him?' Perhaps they were having breakfast, he imagined the sun filtering through the large windows, lighting the mahogany shades in her hair. Why was he tormenting himself like this?

'No, I just woke up, I'm in bed. Why, do you want to speak to him?' She asked, wondering where this line of questioning was going. She reached for her sweatshirt, pulling it on awkwardly as she held the phone between her head and shoulder.

'Who's bed have you sleep in?' The words fell out of his mouth before he could bite them back and he said a silent curse for the dream he'd had. He couldn't get it out of his mind and it had left him in a cloud of dismay that he couldn't seem to escape.

She frowned again. 'Um… Why does it matter? Isn't it my house?' She felt caught out, like it was wrong somehow to want to feel close to him even though he hated her and was miles away.

'Who's bed?' He ground out, just give me this Lizzy, please… He begged silently, he couldn't imagine she would've wanted to go back to the room they had set up downstairs to be her recovery room.

'Yours…' She whispered, she debated lying but she knew he would know she wouldn't want to go back to the room they had set up for her.

He fell silent, grappling with the images thrust into his mind by just that one word. Are you going to kiss me or just keep staring? God he wanted to stare and touch and taste. His belly dipped then twisted as he heard her say his name.

'Red? I didn't want…' She began needing to fill the silence, she pictured him grinding his jaw, his eye twitching.

'Just because I don't show how I feel doesn't mean I don't have feelings…' He spoke suddenly, needing to tell her how much he hurt then paused as hearing her breath catching in her throat. The images from his dream flooding his consciousness.

'I've just learnt to mask them as I suspect you have. I know you've hidden yourself from me, I know you shut your feelings down but I also believe that I am partially responsible for that… He let out a sigh, his voice wavering slightly.

When his voice wavered it snapped her tenuous composure, 'Red…' Her own voice broke as tears gathered in her eyes listening to him. Her heart ached as he began to speak again.

'No let me finish… You hurt me Elizabeth. When you faked your death, it shattered me and I almost lost myself because I lost you. I watched you die, watched your skin blanch and your heartbeat fade. I sat over your lifeless body. Over what should've been your grave. You took something from me that day. I need you to understand that.' He was well aware of the emotion in his voice but all he could see was her beautiful face staring back at him, her face serene as she asked him to kiss her.

'I do… Red…' She croaked out, tears sliding down her cheeks. She could barely believe he was saying this, it felt like a dream with his scent all around her, sitting in his bed while he told her what she'd done to him back then.

'I live and work by a very strict code built on loyalty, justice, trust. I've survived because I eliminate those who betray it. Up until now, no one has been spared, not even my closest associates. Not even Kate Kaplan…' He needed her to understand, needed her to know the conflict he felt inside because he wouldn't do this again, she wouldn't betray him again and he needed to paint a very clear picture if he was to ever trust her again.

'Is that all I am to you, one of your associates that you need to teach a lesson?' Her voice trembled as she spoke, 'Or are you just conflicted about killing me?' Was he really thinking that he could kill her? Her heart shattered in the moment she spoke the words, in the unknowing silence as he paused, that all she was to him was an associate, his handler that needed to be taken to task.

He closed his eyes, killing her was unthinkable and yet no one had ever escaped his wrath. 'You know you're not…' He paused, needing to clarify. 'I'm not conflicted about killing you, I'm…'

She listened to his words, relief flooding into her being, washing over her because she knew she was more than his handler but she had allowed her doubt, her fear take over wondering if she'd done so much irreparable harm that he could only see her as an associate.

'Then don't treat me like a situation that needs to be handled.' She fired back suddenly interrupting him, irritation replacing her fear and sudden relief.

He pursed his lips, taking a breath, did she really believe she could be reduced to a mere associate. She hadn't even been that at the beginning, she'd always been so much more.

'I'm trying to impress upon you that I have, thus far ignored my very strict code, for you…' He took another fortifying breath. 'Haven't you always been more than my handler? Why would you reduce yourself like that? Don't you know how much you mean to me, Elizabeth?' He let out a soft breath, struggling with the words he knew he needed to say in the face of the emotion he was feeling.

'But I am conflicted, conflicted because I can't kill you. That you can't be reduced to an associate to be dealt with. Because I can neither kill nor trust nor forgive you…' He listened to her shaky breathing, her soft sobs and it broke him, shattered him into pieces. Didn't she know how much he had always worshipped her?

Fear clutched at her, icy fingers gripping her ribs and tingling down her spine. She couldn't lose him, she couldn't lose everything they had built in just the short time he had been in prison.

'So where does that leave us? Tell me we can fix this?' She choked out in desperation, the fear rising up within her. He wouldn't leave her, he couldn't. She tried to control the rising panic, tried to control the imminent tears losing in the face of his words.

'I won't do this again Elizabeth. I won't face another betrayal from you. But I won't lose you either. I don't know how to move passed this because I am facing the death penalty because of you.' He listened to her soft sobs for a moment, picturing her alone in his bed and he felt a pang in his chest at not being able to go to her. He hung up, shutting out her tears and panic as his own welled up inside him.

She pulled herself from the bed, his warning ringing in her ears, trying to control the tears as she pulled on her socks. She open the door to see Dembe standing in the door way, his fist raised about to knock. Her face crumpled as she saw him, stepping into his sphere as he pulled her into his arms.

She'd left Dembe in the car and he'd told her he would get coffee for them for after her session. She'd told him about her favourite place where she went sometimes after seeing Selma. She took the stairs two at a time, nervous energy building up inside her, thoughts of what she wanted to say floating around her head. When she got to the top, Selma's door was open. She peaked inside, seeing Selma sitting where she normally sat. The older woman looked up smiling as she tapped lightly on the door.

'Good morning Liz, do come in…' She spoke in that calm way she had, the smile still present as her eyes shone back at Liz.

She hesitated for a moment before closing the door and briskly walking to the window. Her fingers flicking in and out on her left hand.

'I'm sorry about last time…' She began quickly, 'you were right, I know that. I just had to get it out…' She turned to face Selma. 'I know wasn't thinking clearly, I don't want you to think badly of me….' Her face creased unsure when she suddenly coveted Selma's acceptance.

'Come and sit down,' Selma encouraged gently. 'I will never judge you, you know that but it doesn't matter what I think only what you think, I'm here to be impartial.' Liz eyed her as she came to sit. Pulling out the cushion from behind her and crossing her legs.

'It matters to me…' she said quietly. 'I didn't like how i left things…' She looked up fixing her worried eyes on Selma.

'Okay… I accept your apology. How have things been?' She replied earnestly but Liz continued to eye her from the opposite chair. Her ready forgiveness not easily accepted or believed. Something stirred in the pit of her stomach and she fidgeted for a moment.

'Getting there, I think? Dembe took me to the lake house, where you came when I was recovering.' She replied, picking at the fresh bandage on her right hand.

'Mmm, I remember it. It seemed like a beautiful place to recover. How has it been being back there?' She looked up at Selma for a moment, thinking back to tentative peace she had felt that morning before he had called.

'It was difficult at first but I think it's better being there than at home. There's too many memories in my apartment. Dembe is patient, I've been alone but not truly alone because he's there. It's easy to just be, he doesn't expect anything of me…' In that moment a sense of gratitude washed over her for the steady presence Dembe represented in her life.

'Do you think you might stay there for a while?' Selma asked bringing her out of her thoughts.

'I'm not sure but I don't want to go home. I've been thinking for a while that maybe I should move?' She unfolded her legs, holding Selma's gaze.

'To the lake house?' Selma watched as Liz's eyes fixed on a spot behind her.

She frowned, thinking. She hadn't thought that she could move into the lake house permanently but wasn't it her house after all? He had given it to her, it was just whether she could reconcile that fact within herself. Accepting such a huge gift from him but if they were going to be together, wouldn't that mean eventually living together? And where better?

'I didn't mean there specifically, I haven't really thought about where. That apartment holds so much sadness, it just feels oppressive.' She reined in her thoughts, that was moving too fast and they had to get him out of jail first that if he even forgave her in time.

'It doesn't really sit right that he brought that huge house for me…' She added cautiously, coming back to Selma. Her attention refocusing.

'Perhaps he meant it for the two of you?' Liz blinked back at her, 'Didn't you tell him that it meant nothing to you without him?' She watched Liz squirm for a moment, when she didn't speak Selma asked, 'Have you heard from him?'

'I don't think he meant that at the time…' She let out a huffy breath, 'Yes this morning…' She paused, her insides beginning to tremble as she recalled their conversation. Selma raised her eyebrows as Liz met her eye.

'He explained how much I hurt him when I faked my death…' Her chin trembled along with her voice as she remembered the pain in his voice. 'That he has a code in which he lives his life by and I've violated that several times…' She blinked for a moment, willing the lump in her throat to go down.

'What does that mean exactly, a code?' Selma asked as she reached for her water.

'That anyone else would be dead by now for crossing him…' She watched Selma flinch slighted before she recovered her features, sitting back in her seat with her glass of water.

'Are you concerned by that?' She held Liz's gaze before taking a sip of water.

'No. I know he won't hurt me because he can't. He said as much but he doesn't know what to do because he can't trust me or forgive me…' She took up her own water from the table, watching the surface ripple as she sat back.

'Where do you think that leaves you both?' Selma asked taking a sip of her own water.

'He doesn't want to lose me so he will have to forgive me in time but I know this will be the last time…' She spoke sadly, gazing down at her hands around her glass.

'What do you mean?'

'If I betray him again…'

'He'll kill you?' Selma asked with a raised eyebrow.

'No… He'll leave I guess, I don't know really. He just said he wouldn't face another betrayal from me.'

'Are you planning on betraying him again?'

'No. He's opened up. He's let me in. I know what he wants, I know how he feels. I only did those things because I felt helpless - trapped and then he wouldn't be honest with me.' She explained calmly, her eyes meeting Selma's as she looked up.

'Do you think you can both move on from this knowing you have both done things to hurt each other? Draw a line and agree to talk and be honest about how you both feel.'

'I would like that yeah but I need to fix the fact he's in prison because of me, I'm responsible and I need to find a way to help.' She thought about about life in which they could be honest, go to each other instead of hiding. Could that even be attainable?

'How would you do that?'

'I'm not sure yet, I just know that I need to do something to help because I'm responsible.' She made a mental note to speak to Dembe about how they might do that.

'In a rational way?' Selma asked smiling, quirking her eyebrow again.

'Yea of course, I'm trying…' She looked down at her hands, the edge of the bandage fraying as her fingers worried at the edge.

'May I ask you something?' She looked up nodding, as Selma took a breath, folding her hands in her lap.

'Do you think now everything is out in the open, that there aren't anymore secrets coming? I am concerned that anything else coming down the pipeline is going to push you back to the edge.' Her tone was soft holding a worried edge to it that burrowed into Liz's nerves. She blinked for a moment feeling her ribs tighten. She didn't know, that was the truth, they hadn't had that conversation. He was too mad at her but what if it wasn't, what if he did have more secrets just waiting to be exposed? The idea burrowed into her consciousness like a problem that needed to be solved.

Her eyes became glassy as she held Selma's gaze, her fear showing clear on her face. She swallowed trying to get a grip on the brewing storm inside her.

'Apart from his true identity, I don't know. I was too focus on confessing and now he's too angry…' She looked away toward the window.

'He's still being open though? So perhaps that's a conversation you could have, for your own sake?' Selma suggest, attempting a smile, Liz nodded vaguely, her attention lost in thought.

And you know damn well

For you, I would ruin myself

A million little times…

Illicit Affairs - Taylor Swift.