She walks through the lower town. Some people greet her, others look anxiously after her. She seems lost in thought and absent. She doesn't notice how she stops and only when someone clears their throat next to her does she flinch and look around a little confused. Her eyes fall on the kind eyes of Elyan who is looking at her anxiously, "Mary?"

She smiles, "Oh Elyan, what are you doing here?"
Elyan looks around sadly, "I could ask you the same thing, but I think we both know what we're doing here."
Only now does Mary realise she is standing outside Gwen's hut. Startled, she gasps, "I'm sorry. Actually, I just wanted to get some fresh air. I didn't even realise where my feet had taken me."

"That's all right. I'm here rather by accident, too. I've never been here since I've been staying in the knights' quarters in the castle. Although Gwen kept inviting me to dinner. I always thought I didn't have time."

Mary notices tears welling up in her eyes and looks towards the cottage. It looks deserted. The flowerpots on the windowsill haven't seen water for a while and there are cobwebs everywhere. Mary asks haltingly, "Who lives in it now?"
Elyan shrugs, "She couldn't find anyone who wanted it. I guess everyone thought it was inappropriate to live there. Now it's been empty for a fortnight. I can't bring myself to give it to anyone." His eyes light up, "Would you like to live in the lower town again? I know she'd be happy if you were the one looking after her home."

Mary looks down at the floor. Her heart almost bursts at the offer, "I can't. Too much would remind me of her."
"I understand. If you do change your mind, or know someone looking for something, approach me. I should get to training. See you soon, Mary!"

Mary looks at the little hut and swallows her pain and sadness for her friend. Slowly she looks around, trying to orient herself where else to go. Her eyes fall on the royal stables. Mel, her horse, would give her comfort. But she would also meet Stefan and she doesn't think she could bear his worried look. Mary sighs and is about to turn back in the direction of the castle, when a small hand is placed in hers. Astonished, she looks down and sees the face of 5-year-old Ruth. The girl smiles shyly: "Hello Mary."
"Hello Ruth, what are you doing here all alone?"
The girl points to the bakery just a few yards down the road: "Mum said I should take you to her. She has fresh biscuits and tea."

Mary smiles at the girl: "Well, I can't say no to that, can I? Your mother's biscuits are the best."

Together they walk to the bakery and Ruth entusiastically pulls the young woman into the parlour. It smells lovely and a warmth surrounds Mary. Almost sighing, she settles down on one of the chairs. Fiona, the baker's wife, approaches her and sets out a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits. Her eyes smile kindly and she says, "Glad you're here, Mary. How are you?"

Mary takes one of the biscuits and turns it in her hand. Its still warm. Then she says, "I've been better. But I need time. Where's Matthiew?"
"He's outside playing with his friends. He's been asking about you. We miss you here in the Lower Town."

Mary realises guiltily that she has been neglecting her daily rounds in the Undercity lately, "I...am sorry! I...will try...to check on you all regularly again. It's not that I don't care about you..."

Fiona puts her warm hand on Mary's, "I don't blame you. None of us do. We all miss Gwen and we can't imagine what it must be like for you. Take all the time you need."

Mary can't say anything to that, so she just nods. Tears gather in her eyes again and she stands up. She nods gratefully to Fiona and then storms out of the house towards the castle. Gaius will be wondering where she is. She has to get back and as best she can, she tries to put thoughts of Gwen out of her mind.

A few hours later, Gaius has sent Mary on her rounds in the castle. She has all the tinctures and drops with her to distribute to various people in the castle. Sighing, he sits down and puts his head in his hands. A moment later, when there is a knock at the door, he looks up wearily, "Come in?"

Gwaine enters and his gaze falls on the old physician, frowning, "Gaius? Is everything alright?"

Gaius stands up, "I suppose I should ask you that? Is there anything I can do to help you? Are you hurt?"

Gwaine suddenly smiles a little sheepishly, "Oh. No! I'm fine. I'm just here...because I'm worried."
"Worried?"
"Yeah, so it's not just me. Percival and Leon too."
"Why are you worried?"
"I think the question is who we're worried about."

"Yeah? Is it Elyan?"

Gwaine laughs out loud, "Well, he drank me under the table yesterday. But I think he's doing better than the others."
"What others?"

"Arthur? Mary? Merlin?"

Gaius sits down again, exhausted, "What do you mean, Gwaine?"

"I think you know what I mean. Arthur takes his role as king seriously and manages his daily duties. Still, he is not the same."
"He has lost his love, Gwaine. That takes time."
"Then there is Mary...she seems absent and is she eating?"
Gaius sighs, "She's lost her closest friends. I try to check on her, but it's not always easy. She avoids me like everyone else."
"Last is Merlin. He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks."
This time Gaius nods, "I can confirm that. He sleeps little and when he does, it's not in a restful way. Again, it is difficult for me to do anything about it. He won't let me help. It's gotten to the point where I've considered mixing sleeping drops into his dinner." Gaius puts his face back in his hands.

Gwaine closes the door behind him and walks towards the physician, "Gaius, they are all three suffering. I fear the worst if things don't change soon. We all miss Gwen. But it can't go on like this."

"I know, Gwaine. How is Elyan? He's lost a sister."
"Well, how shall I say. There are better days and worse days. Last night was bad again. But on the whole he is holding his own. He doesn't seem to hold a grudge against the king either."

"You, Percival and Leon will probably give him the support he so desperately needs. You are his second family."

"Then that should work for Arthur, too. And you, Merlin and Mary are like family too."
"Yes, but the king and my two wards are very stubborn in their own way and each of them has trouble accepting help."

Gwaine stands up, "In that case, we will at least show them that we are here for them. Oh and Gaius, don't sneak sleeping drops into Merlin's food. It will only break his trust in you."

The old court physician nods to the knight, "I know, Gwaine. That's why I haven't done it yet."

Towards evening, Mary mortars some herbs for an ointment. She is alone in the chamber because Gaius had to go to the lower town for a difficult birth. Mary hums to herself, as it is too quiet for her in the empty chamber. Again her thoughts drift to Gwen and it hurts like always.

Suddenly the door opens and the king stands in the doorway. Mary looks up and says, startled, "Arthur?" Her gaze drops to his hand, which he is holding, blood falling from it in thick red drops onto the floor. Quickly she goes up to him, "You're bleeding."

Arthur just shrugs, "I was clumsy and cut myself with the knife at dinner."

Mary makes him sit on a chair and gets water, cloths and an ointment with honey. She cleans the rather deep cut over the pad of his thumb and then spreads some ointment on it to keep the infection away. After bandaging everything, she stands up to empty out the bloody water. She has worked intently and silently. Arthur has watched her do it just as silently and now looks at her back, which she has turned towards him. "You're angry with me."

The observation makes Mary straighten up and take notice. Slowly, she turns to her king and sees the pain in his eyes. The same pain she herself has felt every day for a fortnight. Sadly she shakes her head, "No, Sire!"

"I banished your best friend."

Mary blinks away the tears gathering in her eyes, "I'm not angry at you or Gwen. I'm angry at the circumstances that allowed it to come to this." In a slightly firmer voice, she adds, "Your hand should heal well. But you must not use it too much in the next few days lest you reopen the wound."

Arthur stands up and nods. He understands that Mary is sending him away, "Thank you, Mary!"

Two days later, Mary is called to the King, who has taken a bit of a beating on the training field and pulled a muscle in his thigh. Mary treats the spot with a special oil and hands the vial to the king: "Here, rub this well into the muscle again tonight. When you take a bath, have Merlin put a few drops of it in the bath water. Arthur, you should take it easy on the muscle for the next few days. I see the wound on the hand continues to heal well."

Arthur looks at Mary gratefully, but then, with an involuntary movement of his leg, winces in pain. Mary notices and rummages in her pocket for the pain drops she always carries, "These will help with the pain, Sire."

Arthur fends her off and says, "No, I don't need pain drops, it's fine."
Mary frowns: "You won't sleep well. Every movement will hurt. You must be rested, Sire."

A little more vehemently, the King says, "No! I need nothing for the pain."

Mary puts the drops uncertainly back in her pocket. She bows briefly to the king and leaves him alone.

Another two days pass and Mary has just prepared the vegetables for the stew and placed them in the pot of simmering water. She rubs her hands dry on her apron and rubs the sweat from her forehead. Today has been a particularly hot day and cooking at the hearth does nothing to relieve it. Mary turns to the kettle of water, wets her hands and puts them on the back of her neck. The cool moisture feels soothing on her hot skin and she closes her eyes briefly and rests her head on the back of her neck.

The door opens and Gaius comes in. He looks around and smiles when he sees Mary, "I see the heat is getting to you too."

Mary looks around and smiles, "It really is very warm today for late summer. I already have the stew on the fire. Can I help you with something?"
Gaius also comes to the kettle of water and splashes some water on his face. "No, I've finished my rounds and..." he falters and looks at the book lying open on the table.

Mary follows his gaze but can't say anything about it because Gaius' head whips around to her so quickly that his white hair flies wildly through the air like autumn leaves in the first winter storm. "Why are you reading through things about self-harm and self-injury? Those are diseases of the head, child! Do you want to hurt yourself? Talk to me!"

Mary lets her hands hang down beside her body and frowns irritably, "I'd explain it to you if you'd let me." Gaius closes his mouth, already about to launch into the next tirade. Mary says, "What makes you think I want to harm myself? It was purely to pass the time. I haven't read this book yet and it interested me."

Gaius looks at her apologetically, "I'm sorry, Mary. I was just scared for you. You've been introverted for three weeks and I know you miss Gwen terribly. But you never talk about it. You can talk about anything to me...or anyone else. Stefan, maybe?"

Mary rubs her hand over her sweat-covered forehead again, "I'm sorry, Gaius. I don't feel like talking. Not yet."

"It's okay. I..." the door opens and a young maid looks around the room in surprise: "Sorry...I didn't mean to barge in like this...but the King has been asking for you!"

"For who?" ask Mary and Gaius at the same time.

"After you Mary!" Mary cools her hands in the water again and also wets her face and neck. With a sideways glance at Gaius, she says, "Don't wait for me with the food."

Before Gaius can say anything against it, she is already out of the door.

She knocks three times on the door of the king's chambers. She clutches her herb and first aid bag convulsively with her other hand. She hears a rustling behind the door and someone moving as if they were falling onto a chair. "Mary?" it sounds a little strained. A low moan follows the question.

Mary puts her hand on the door latch, "Yes, Sire, it's me."

"Come in."

Mary sees Arthur sitting in a chair. He is holding his uninjured hand and Mary sees that the whole forearm is badly reddened and blisters are forming in some places. She quickly rushes towards the king, whose forehead is covered in sweat from the pain and she sees that his jaw muscles are strained to the breaking point. Questioningly, she looks around the room and sees that a fire is burning in the hearth. "Sire, what happened?"
Arthur is pale and he tries to keep his breathing as steady as possible despite the searing pain. Which he doesn't really succeed in doing. "I was trying to build a fire, as my good-for-nothing of a servant is nowhere to be found when you need him."

Mary gets the bottle of pain drops out of her pocket. She puts some in a glass on the table and hands it to him. "Why did you want to start a fire?"
Arthur doesn't take the glass from her. Through clenched teeth he says a little irritably, "It was chilly in here. No! I don't need anything for the pain. Can you just bandage it?"

Mary looks at the burn for just a moment and then goes to the jug of water sitting on the desk and empties it over a cloth from her pocket. As gently as she can, she places the wet cloth on the burned area. Arthur draws in a hissing breath at the contact with his skin. He has to lean his head back and close his eyes. Mary watches him closely. When the cloth has absorbed the heat from the skin, she empties cool water over it again. Knowing that the water in the jug will never be enough, she goes to the door and asks the guard outside to bring two kettles of cold water to the king's chambers. Then she goes back to her bag and looks for the paste for burns. She always has a small tin of it with her. She looks at the king, who is breathing shallowly and still biting his teeth. He has not touched the pain drops.

The door opens and a soldier comes in with two kettles of water and puts them next to the table. Mary examines the water. It is cool and fresh. Satisfied, she places the larger kettle on the table in front of the king and asks him to stand up. Arthur does so. Mary says, "Sire, I want you to hold your forearm here in the water. Leave it in there as long as you can. The coolness will neutralise the heat and the skin will not be further damaged."

Arthur places his hand and forearm in the cool water. He closes his eyes again to keep from crying out in pain. After a moment, the burning subsides. But the coolness is not much more pleasant. It stings like a thousand tiny needles. Arthur leans on the table with his free hand to keep from sinking back into the chair. Mary, who is watching the king anxiously, says again: "Please take the pain drops, Sire."

Arthur shakes his head and says between clenched teeth, "I don't need..."

Mary sighs and sits down at the table with the paste. She takes some fresh, clean cloths from the dressing bag and spreads the paste evenly on them. She works intently and quietly.

When enough time has passed, she carefully takes Arthur's forearm out of the water. Without touching the injured area, she examines the damage more closely. She puts the cloth with the paste on the wound and notices how the king stiffens with pain. She gently binds the whole thing and checks at the end that the bandage is not too tight, but still holds well. Satisfied, she takes a step backwards. Arthur sits pale in his chair and looks at his bandaged arm.

Mary sits down in a chair opposite him and after a few minutes of silence says, "Arthur?" The king lifts his eyes and looks at her. They are no longer so clouded by pain, but there is a sadness in them that she had not seen in him before. "You must stop this."

Arthur raises his eyebrows questioningly, "I need to stop what?"

Mary clears her throat, "With wantonly hurting yourself, Sire."

"You think I'm doing this on purpose?"

"I am crossing a line here, I am aware of that, but you are not only my king, you are also my friend, Arthur. You are trying to drown out your emotional pain with physical pain. Gwen's gone and it's eating you up inside. I know only too well the hole of emptiness that starts in the heart and grows and grows. But believe me when I say that this cannot be the solution. At some point, a small cut or a bruise no longer helps against the pain. You injuries become bigger and bigger, more dangerous. You have to try to get along with the mental pain, because it will never go away completely. It helps if you talk about it. About things, nice memories that fill the hole again a little." Arthur looks at Mary and says nothing for a moment. Then suddenly all the air seems to go out of the young man and he slumps in the chair. He hangs his head and Mary sees silent tears make their way down the blond man's cheeks and it breaks her heart to see him so hurt. Nevertheless, she remains seated to give him the privacy he needs.

After a few minutes Arthur says quietly, "I just can't stand it. I expect to see her everywhere and it takes my breath away to think that I'll never see her again..." his voice breaks. This time Mary gets up and sits down beside the king. She lays a hand on his arm comfortingly. She too is crying softly. Arthur continues, "The pain made me feel something else. But I didn't mean to. The knife slipped and when I felt the pain and saw the blood I felt a bit more alive than usual. The fire, I admit, was a stupid idea. But I thought additional warmth also made me feel something other than this dull and yet terribly painful emptiness inside me. I lost my balance, landing my forearm in the fire. I was instantly grateful for the searing pain and the smell of burning flesh. What is wrong with me." Arthur puts his face in his hands.

Mary rubs her hand soothingly over the King's arm: "Everyone deals with mental pain differently, Sire. You have noticed through an accident that further pain distracts you from it and makes you feel alive again for a brief moment. But as you yourselve have realised, this feeling does not last long. Remember or talk about the beautiful moments with Gwen. It may seem like it makes it worse at first, but believe me, in time it is the path to healing. You can talk to me about it if you want. Then it's healing for both of us."
Arthur looks at Mary, "I'm sorry. You lost your best friend and I didn't even ask how you were feeling about it. How do you react against the pain in your heart?"

Mary looks sheepishly at the floor and doesn't answer. Arthur puts his other hand on her hand on his arm and the touch makes her look up. Arthur says, "I think I know how. You don't take care of yourself, do you? Are you eating enough? You look pale and haggard."

Mary nods slowly, "Losing Gwen takes away my appetite. I can't help it."

"If I promise to try and keep my painful accidents to a minimum, then you must promise to look after yourself more again. And when we both can't take it anymore, we'll talk. About Gwen..."

A small smile spreads across Mary's lips, "I think that's a good idea, Sire. I promise."

Arthur smiles too, "I promise as well."

Mary gets the king to take the pain drops after all and they talk for a long time. About Gwen, what they miss about her, memories they share with her. Sometimes they talk quietly and sadly and sometimes they laugh together. They don't notice how time passes and only when the door to the room opens and Merlin enters with dinner do they realise how much time has passed.

Arthur says: "Ah, Merlin. I guess you'll never learn to knock, will you? Put the food here on the table. I suppose it has enough for Mary to eat from it too?"

Merlin looks from the king to Mary and says, "I think there should be enough for both of you, Sire. Shall I fetch some more from the kitchen?"

Arthur waves it off, "No, that's enough. Will you give us a second plate? Then you can get my bed ready for the night." Merlin takes a plate from one of the cupboards and sets it down in front of Mary. Then, without another word, he goes to the king's bed and begins to pull back the covers.

Arthur watches his servant, lost in thought, then asks Mary quietly, "And how does he react to the pain? I know he and Gwen were good friends."

Mary looks at Merlin, who is bent over the bed, "He..."
"Wait, I know the answer. He doesn't sleep well, does he?"

Mary smiles sadly, "You learn quickly, Sire."

Arthur looks at his servant worriedly: "Merlin, that will be all!"

Merlin turns in surprise. Mary sees the dark circles under his eyes. He looks exhausted. Merlin says, "I still have to help you change, Sire."
Arthur waves it off, "I can manage on my own. Get off work early tonight and go to bed. You look like you haven't had a proper night's rest in a month. Good night."
Merlin bows his head a little before walking out of the room, "Good night, Sire."

Arthur looks at Mary, "What can he do about it?"

Mary shrugs, "He can't turn off the nightmares, they just come. Sleep drops leave him low on energy and even more tired the day after."

"Then we'll include him in our conversations about Gwen. That way he can fill his emptiness a bit too."

Mary smiles, "I'm sure that will help!"

Silently, the two eat their dinner. The silence is not uncomfortable. They rather seem to be able to recharge in the quiet.

It is the middle of the night when Mary wakes up. The warmth of the hot day is still present and she reaches for the glass on her bedside table. Demoralised, she notices that the glass is empty. She lies back on the bed and closes her eyes, hoping to fall back asleep. She turns back and forth a few times. Nothing helps. She is too thirsty. Slowly she sits up and picks up the empty glass. She knows she has no more water in the room. The jug on the table is also empty. She has no choice but to go over to Gaius and get some more water there. She takes the jug in her other hand and quietly opens the door. The corridor is dark, only a few candles are burning. She creeps to the next door and opens it quietly too, so as not to wake the court physician.

She is surprised to find Gaius is not in his bed. She frowns and discovers a note on the table in front of her.

Dear Mary

Dear Merlin

I have been called to the lower town to ease old Beth's dying. We all know there is no telling how long it will be before she is released from her suffering. Don't wait up. I'll see you later. Keep cool, drink enough and don't do anything stupid.

Gaius

Mary suppresses a laugh. He always sounds like a worried father in his short letters. Her smile fades as she thinks of the worries the old man always has because of his two wards. Even now he will be agonisingly aware that they are both grieving for their friend Gwen. She will try to eat more with Gaius again so that he can forget some of his worries. He notices how little she eats and he keeps bringing it up. Now that she has promised the king, she should also try to take more care of herself and her energy.

She turns to the bucket with the clean water. She frowns, knowing that the water will be lukewarm. But it still helps against thirst. She dips the glass into the wet and drinks the whole thing greedily. Just as she is about to fill the jug, she hears a noise from Merlin's room. He seems to be sleeping restlessly. Mary tries not to think about it and fills the jug. She looks into the jar with the tea mixture for peaceful sleep and sees that there is still enough of it. Merlin doesn't seem to be taking the mixture. She takes it upon herself to remind him tomorrow.

She is about to leave again when she hears Merlin's door open. He descends the few steps unsteadily. Only then does he see Mary standing in the room and he sinks down powerlessly onto the bottom step. His face is ashen and his dark, thick hair sticks to his sweaty forehead. His gaze looks heated and uncertain and Mary is sure that the images of the nightmare have not yet faded for Merlin. His breathing is shallow and rapid. As he puts his face in his hands, she notices that he is shaking all over. Mary bites her lower lip and resists the urge to walk towards him as quickly as possible and take him in her arms. Instead, she turns to the bucket again and fills another cup with water and slowly walks towards him.

She holds the cup out to him, "Here, have a drink."

Merlin takes the cup in his trembling hands and the water spills over the rim onto the floor. He manages to bring the cup to his lips and he drinks the whole thing empty. He places the cup on the floor in front of him and presses both heels of his hand against his eyes as if to push away the horror of the images. A low whimper comes from his lips. Mary sits down on a chair and looks at Merlin with concern. When his breathing has calmed a little, she asks quietly, "Why aren't you taking the herbal mixture anymore?"

Merlin says just as quietly that it is hard to understand, "I forget about it most times."

Mary shakes her head, "You're torturing yourself on purpose. Stop it, your body will eventually give in and you'll get sick. I miss Gwen too! Promise me you'll go back to taking the herbal mixture regularly until your grief is more stable. I promised Arthur today to eat more again and we'll talk about Gwen. That helps."
"It hurts!"

"Yes, I know! But the pain will lessen and we will learn to live with it. Is there anything that would bring you joy right now? Something to cheer you up?"

Merlin looks up slowly and says, "I know something that would cheer us both up." Merlin only now looks around the room properly and asks, "Where is Gaius?"
"Old Beth is dying. He's with her." Mary looks at Merlin tensely, "What do you mean, something to cheer us both up?"

Merlin's ocean-blue eyes light up again a little more than they did a few moments ago and he says: "Do you trust me?"

Mary laughs, "Of course I trust you!"

"Good, put some clothes on and we'll go outside. I'll meet you in the hallway in 5 minutes!"

"Merlin the guards!"
"I know a sneaky way out of the castle. Five minutes!"

Merlin and Mary make it out of the castle through one of the side passages and Merlin gives the guards at the big gate a quick nod as they steal past them. Merlin leads Mary to the large clearing she already knows. This is where Aithusa was born and she knows that Merlin meets the great dragon here from time to time. The clearing is empty and the moon shines pale from the clear sky. Mary looks around uncertainly, but Merlin seems to be waiting for something, because he keeps looking up at the sky. Finally Mary hears something and she already knows the sound. The approaching sound of big wings in the wind. It is not long and Kilgharrah comes flying. Closely followed by a white, smaller dragon. A delighted sob escapes Mary's throat as she recognises Aithusa. Both dragons land in front of the two humans and Kilgharrah asks, "Young warlock, you have summoned us. How can we help?"

Merlin smiles, "We need cheering up. How is Aithusa doing?"
"You called us here just so you could cuddle the baby dragon?" Kilgharrah looks at Mary who has just wrapped her arms around the white dragon's neck and buried her face in its throat. Aithusa, meanwhile, is almost as big as a horse and she presses her muzzle lovingly into the young woman's brown, curly hair as if she understands what is needed from her. Kilgharrah continues speaking, "I sense a pain in you. What happened?"
"We lost someone important to us. Even the king. We each tried to cope in our own way. But we realised that this kind of pain can only be endured with the help of others. Otherwise we would lose ourselves in it."

Kilgharrah nods, "That is a wise realisation young warlock. I could not put it better."

"You would have just put it in riddles. Thank you for coming."
"You know I must heed your call! We'll stay a moment so you can cuddle with Aithusa as well. After that we have to go back to the coolness of our cave. The heat here is unbearable!"
Merlin chuckles softly, "It's too warm for you? You are a creature of fire after all!"

"Yes, that's exactly why. The heat is already inside me. I don't need the heat from the outside."

Merlin walks up to Aithusa and hugs her tightly. She makes quiet purring noises and Merlin soaks up her warmth and affection like a sponge. A few tears trickle down his cheeks and he whispers softly, "Thank you Aithusa! Don't let that grumpy old dragon get to you and stay so pure and good-natured!"
"Hey, I can hear you, young warlock. I'm not grumpy! Aithusa, come let's go!"

Laughing, Merlin and Mary wave after the two magical creatures before heading back.

Merlin has no more nightmares that night and Mary also finds sleep again.