24
love don't make no promise
the heart cannot keep
he offers kisses from the divine
nighttime angels
standing by my bed
whispering in my sleep
teaching me dream rhythm flight
all the ways to move
beyond life and death
telling me sweet soul child
only surrender
love will not let you forget
Say Yes to Heaven by Lana Del Rey
Monday, September 3, 2012: Twilight 1994
The sun was burning a dusky orange when Bonnie finally returned home. Damon studied her sulking silhouette as she walked up the driveway. He tried taking another sip of bourbon but his glass was empty. He grabbed the bottle sitting on his window seal, where it had been waiting for him. He sat down in the spot where he had been waiting for her.
For the past thirteen days it had been like this, him on standby with a bottle of bourbon to keep him company. Damon poured another glass but there was only a dribble left. He cursed throwing the bottle down and breaking the glass. The wooden floor was dented and Damon thought bitterly about having to replace it.
Damon tried to stand up feeling himself getting dizzy for the first time in a long time. Finishing an entire bottle of bourbon was a feat even for an alcoholic vampire such as himself. Damon sighed debating whether he should head downstairs to get another bottle, or find something else to do with his time besides drinking now that Bonnie was home.
Damon wanted to talk to her, but he was afraid. They had been fighting and not the normal kind of fighting. Normal fighting for them was exhilarating and fun. It was a pretext for their desire and appreciation for each other. The fighting they were doing now hurt. Damon supposed it should hurt. That it had to hurt.
Damon knew it had to be this way if things were to remain the same, they had to become indifferent to each other. They had agreed on that nearly two weeks ago in New York, hadn't they. The door slammed shut like thunder, and for a moment Damon thought back to that day, the day everything changed. He wasn't sure he could go back to the way things were before.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012: Dawn – 1994
Damon woke up early that morning, trapped in Bonnie's clutches. The sun was just beginning to rise; its deathly tendrils were slinking just beneath the bright red curtain. Last night's dream had his head spinning in frustration. There were so many things he needed to consider things he wouldn't have considered if it weren't for what happened the night before.
After he fed Bonnie his blood, he was stricken with guilt and all he could think about was how he had almost killed her. Damon spent an hour pacing back and forth, unsure of what to do. When he saw her shivering, all curled into herself like a kitten, he found his bearing again. Damon sprung into protector mode, and decided his goal was keeping Bonnie warm.
Damon put her in a pair of his socks and wrapped her in extra blankets in case she got cold from the blood loss. He got into bed next to her, to hold her, because body heat was the best source of warmth. By the time Bonnie rolled on top of him to leach all his heat away, she was sleeping soundly. Still Damon was afraid that she might not wake up and planned to be right by her side in case anything happened.
Bonnie had spent the rest of the night clingy to him like her life depended on it. Damon couldn't help but feel his heart warm at the sight of her. She was beautiful and innocent when she slept and no matter how badly her elbow was digging into his stomach, he loved holding her.
After only a few minutes Damon was lulled into sleep. Where he found himself at the base of a great oak tree with hundreds of thousands if not millions of strings knotted in its branches and intertwining like vines around its trunk. Waiting for him below the great oak was his grandmother, in a blue tartan dress, red hair flaming in the breeze.
Ms. McCullough, she liked to be called even though she was married," It's a mark of our lineage, if it has to die with me so be it, but it will not die because of me." Damon loved her, but she rarely visited, she lived in Boston amongst others like herself. She never said it but Damon knew she was a witch, she had a way with animals and the fog always seemed to come whenever she hummed a certain song. She taught Damon the tune when he was six and he hummed it when he wanted to feel close to her.
"Hey there, Grannie," Damon smiled feeling like a boy again.
"Hey there, Ogha," she smiled, "How's my wee gille gorm, still crying up a storm?" Damon couldn't help but laugh, she used to say that all the time when he was small, because every time she came to visit, he had just been crying.
"Oh, come now grannie, I'm a grown man now," he laughed puffing out his chest," Can't you tell."
"Oh, a grown man you say, well you still look like a wee lad to me," she said crossing her arms," and where's your facial hair, and with a belly like that, I mean there's no meat on your bones. A boy as pretty as you, might be mistaken for a lassie, with those looks and that floppy hair."
"Okay grandma okay," he was beat red only his grannie could make him feel this way, beat up and loved, at the same time. A pair of green eyes flashed in his mind, well maybe not only his grandma.
"How are you, grannie?" Damon asked grabbing the woman's hands, they were soft and warm just like he remembered.
"Well, I am fine, when I am not spending my days wondering why my only two grandchildren have nearly two hundred years of life on me, and still haven't managed to give me any great grandchildren. It's a real shame."
Damon was confused, how did his grandmother know he had been alive for nearly two hundred years.
"Don't worry ogha, that's not really why I am here. Okay maybe it is but it's not the only reason."
"What are the reasons you are here?"
"Because you need help back onto your path to happiness, and you have choices to make."
"What do mean choices?"
"Choices, alternative paths, life decisions, trials, challenges, rewards, outcomes."
"No, I know what it means, but what do you mean by I have to choose."
"Exactly that, you have to choose your fate "
"It's not fate if I have to choose grannie."
"That's where you are wrong Damon. Fate maybe the destination but they way you get there is just as important, if not more important. Whether you get there an hour from now, a decade or even two hundred years, is all determined by the choices you make. So, what do you say you choose the happier path, I think its time. Don't you?"
Damon was confused and didn't understand at all what his grandmother was talking about. He was pretty sure that he must have fallen asleep while watching Rafiki's part on the Lion King again. Then he remembered he was stuck in May 1994, there was no Lion King. Damon took a deep breath feeling a great weight on his chest and something plush in his hands. Mrs. Cuddles and Bonnie. He was with Bonnie and she was sleeping on top of him and he was…
"Come back," Damon's grandmother snapped her fingers grabbing his attention again,"Almost lost you there, now back to the business of choosing your path to happiness."
Damon was just about to protest when his grandmother opened her arms, and the temperature dropped. Fog came rolling in around him, creeping along the trees as she hummed. From her hands a light was glowing in front of him, and three objects began to appear that he recognized.
A bourbon bottle, a glass of vampire's blood, and Questiyah's cure.
"Well, this should be an easy choice," Damon's hands went for the bottle.
"Not so fast ogha," she warned, "each choice has a consequence and not just for you."
"What do you mean?"
"You will see," she smiled kindly but her warm brown eyes held a sinister sort of mirth. Now he knew where he got it from.
Damon looked at the choices feeling for a moment a serious sense of trepidation. He had no clue what would happen if he chose incorrectly. Damon was extra confused now, but he wasn't going to think about it too hard. This was after all only a dream. Damon looked over all the options, considering all that his grandmother had said.
Damon took another deep breath feeling the weight of Bonnie on his chest. Damon considered his options with her in mind. Damon had messed up and almost abandoned Bonnie because of his foolishness. He had almost killed her because he hadn't fed properly and was ravenous with bloodlust just from the smell of her arousal. Damon needed to protect Bonnie; she was all he had in this world. He would keep her safe, even if that meant keeping her safe from himself. At least he would try to.
If he chose the bottle, he knew that he would be choosing inaction, and that was not acceptable. If he chose the vampire's blood then he could turn Bonnie, and well they'd both be immortal dependent on meager rations to survive and that definitely wasn't going to work. The third choice was to take the cure, it was the only choice really.
Damon reached for the cure. His grandmother smiled from ear to ear, he supposed he chose correctly.
"I am so glad, my darling ogha," she handed him the cure," Do you know how unhappy I would have been if you had chosen that floosy again, or even worse that doppelganger of hers. Imagine tying the knot to that. But you are a smart boy, I knew you'd get it right."
"Floosy, doppelganger," Damon shouted," Are you talking about Katherine and Elena?'"
"Oh, dear I have said to much," she smiled looking like a mischievous fay. She really was his grandmother
"Now it is time" Damon's grandmother, held the rope carefully, her gaze was steady as if this matter should be taken seriously. Damon recognized that this may be his last chance to refuse what he was being given but there was no telling if he could go back anyway. He couldn't see himself choosing anything else, especially seeing as choosing his fate would affect Bonnie as well.
"By taking this rope my dear ogha, you bind your fate, and your happiness and your joy. If it be your will, tie this rope to the great oak and the Norns, will see it and bless you with your fate."
Damon took the rope which and was surprisingly warm, it felt like a living breathing thing, beating in time with his heart, breathing his breath. Damon took another deep breath feeling, the weight of Bonnie on his chest. It was like he was holding her in his hands.
Damon reached the tree and tied a fisherman's knot, just like his grandmother showed him all those years ago, sealing his fate to the base of the great oak. By the time Damon woke up the details of the dream were foggy. All he remembered was that his grandmother was there and had given him options, and one of those options was to take the cure. Now that dawn had broken and he was fully awake he could see the merit in that dream. Damon had to make a decision.
Damon wasn't sure what he should do. On the one hand, the dream could be one of Bonnie's visions, an emotional nightmare of alternate realities. However, Bonnie's vision last time wasn't so esoteric, it had happened exactly as he remembered. Plus, he doubted the visions she had would tailor to his perspective, this dream was all about his choices and it even featured his grandmother, who had no real connection to the Bennett's beside him.
On the other hand, the dream could just be a convoluted message from his subconscious giving him perspective on how to deal with being trapped in 1994. Although the dream never explicitly stated the truth of the matter, it was obvious. They were stuck here forever.
Damon considered the dream and the options he was presented; he hated the idea of never seeing Elena ever again. He missed her, she was the love of his life after all but he couldn't ignore the fact that he may never see her again. There was no clear way out and with Bonnie's magic being out of her reach, there was no certainty about when they would be free. If he was never going to see Elena again, there was really only one option, cure himself. He would become human and accept everything that brought. In his mind it was better to live a short time in paradise then a long time in hell longing for salvation that may never come.
But would Bonnie want that? Would she be able to give up the hope of leaving? Or would she rather die trying to be free of this place?
Damon had no clue what Bonnie wanted, but he knew eventually he would have to bring it to her attention. Damon looked at his ring, and tried to imagine what it would be like to never have to wear it again. He tried to imagine what it would be like to age and grey. For them to grow old together in this place.
Staring at the ring on his finger, joy and guilt found an uncomfortable home in his stomach, growing old together, "I wonder if she would like that?"
Monday, August 21, 2017: Eclipse – Mystic Falls
"I know she will," Bonnie tried to soothe Stefan for the hundredth time about the engagement ring he had purchased. When Stefan had offered to fly Bonnie out for dinner, she assumed it was because he had important news about Enzo and Damon. She wished she could say she wasn't disappointed but she was. The idea of Caroline and Stefan being happily married didn't hurt her, it just reminded her of what she wasn't currently able to have.
Damon and Enzo were still missing and she didn't know why she believed Stefan would be a good companion in this search. Stefan was nice but he wasn't exactly easy to talk to. For one he had an unexplained hatred for Enzo. Although he tried to hide it, it was so fucking obvious. Moreover, Stefan hated and loved Damon perhaps as much as she did. Which meant they talked a lot about Damon far too often. Stefan's stories about Damon made her miss him, hell, just being near Stefan had that effect on her.
"I'm glad you think so, I mean I haven't been the greatest to her but I do love her. I think it's time I either commit or stay gone," Bonnie couldn't agree more.
If she were Caroline then she would kick Stefan to the curb.
Running off with his first love and not talking to her for months was grounds for divorce anyway, so why start a marriage in the first place? However, Bonnie never brought it up, because well she hadn't cut Damon off, despite the fact he had basically abandoned her. It wasn't like she and Damon were a couple. In fact, they currently weren't anything and they were barely friends in the past, but she had deeply cared for him for a time. She knew how hard it was to let go of someone, who left a scar of longing on the soul. Even though Caroline deserved better, Bonnie wouldn't keep her from what she believed was happiness.
"Any news from Enzo?" Stefan asked.
Bonnie had let it slip to Stefan that even though her powers were gone she still had a feint psychic link between her and Enzo. She had one with Damon as well, but that one she kept a secret. When Damon was stuck inside his mind after being stabbed with the sword it was the only thing, she could think to do to reach him. She didn't want to bring it up, less Stefan tried to hound her for Damon's every thought and feeling.
It wasn't like she could provide that anyway. She had been trying to reach him as well as Enzo but she couldn't. They both were keeping their minds locked and safe not letting a single soul in. She thought it was odd, at first, but she considered the fact that the monster from the vault, must be shielding their minds somehow. Bonnie wondered if she should stop trying to reach them mentally, but she couldn't help but try. She needed to find them both to fix the mess they were in, because that was what she did. Fix messes for the people she loved.
"No nothing," she said.
Stefan kept talking but the tv in the diner caught her attention.
Its 1:02 pm and this year's solar eclipse has reached its apex, over Nebraska. As you can see from the live video this thing is truly a sight to see. Just a friendly reminder to all our Mystic Fall residents, if you plan on viewing this cosmic marvel at this evening's solar eclipse watch party, please take all necessary precautions. This has been Bill and Lisa with the early afternoon round-up.
Buh buh dunnana dun dun.
Tonight, on the 6'o-clock news, Caroline Forbes gives a special report on the latest date rape drug attacking women across the nation, and how a simple herb vervain is suspected to be a cure to stop it.
The news about the eclipse brought Bonnie back to 1994, the way they fought, the way they talked, the nights they danced. As if responding to the thought in her head the music of the radio changed, playing a melody that sent a chill down her spine. Bonnie clutched the cameo, she had stolen from Lillian Salvatore's boudoir, the broach that hand once hung around Mrs. Cuddles' neck. She didn't know why she had kept it all these years but she couldn't be separate from it.
Bonnie felt a pull from the back of her head to look to the left. There was a crowd of people sitting and eating. There in the high table to her left, was Damon, holding a heart in his hand his face was bloody and his eyes were cold and lifeless. Suddenly he looked scared as if he was seeing something terrifying in her eyes. He dropped the heart and vanished.
Bonnie was going to get up but she heard the radio switch again, to another song. Their song. She followed the tug again this time to the right, to see Damon. This time he was holding Mrs. Cuddles, but he looked different, he had a single streak of grey on his left temple. He looked at least ten years older; feint lines of crow's feet were coming in. Damon smiled brightly using Mrs. Cuddles' hand to wave hello, he looked genuinely happy to see her. She didn't understand why but started to cry, she wanted to run to him. For some reason she got this feeling that he was her Damon, the one she left back in 1994, the one who still lived in her dreams. Damon wiped his face, signaling for her to dry her eyes and then he disappeared.
"Bonnie are you okay?" Stefan asked touching her arm.
"I saw Damon," she said sniffling," I mean, thought I saw Damon but I couldn't have it was a mistake."
"A mistake?" Stefan asked skeptically," You are linked to him aren't you. All Bennett witches are linked to him."
"Yes, but it couldn't be him?"
"Why not?"
"Because he was older."
Stefan looked longingly where she had just been staring, hoping to spot his brother. Bonnie's hands burned underneath the warmth of the broach. Magic? Could it have been Damon?
Stefan had a look of determination in his eyes," Witches can harness the power of celestial events, correct?"
Tuesday, August 21, 2012: Dusk– 1994
"I know what you are thinking," Bonnie spoke mysteriously as she stared down the rainy Brooklyn streets. The night was bright and the lights glowed and blurred around her like a halo. She looked nervous perched on its sill, her drink rubbing against her sternum.
Damon sat on the bed directly across from her in the master bedroom of Benny Valentine's apartment/ nightclub. Benny was an old acquaintance of his, he was like a son to be exact. Damon used to "date" his mother, Lila a black hostess for the club he frequented back in the late 70s and early 80s. It was never supposed to be serious, but it got serious when Benny entered the picture.
Benny was the mobster Julian Valentine's son, but everyone called him Jules. Jules' Nona always wanted grandkids, so she happily welcomed her mixed-race grandbaby into her life. It worked out for Lila because she didn't want kids and she wanted to keep her job at the nightclub. However, when Nona Valentine died only a few months after Damon started coming around, Benny had no place to go, so he landed back with Lila.
Damon was still struggling with his humanity then, killing in healthier or more discreet numbers but killing none the less. Lila was his reprieve when he wanted to be fed, pampered and treated like a king. She had way about her that always knew what he needed and always delivered, compulsion not required. However, Lila's reintroduction to Benny ruined thing so Damon skipped town for a bit, taking his anger out on the general population. Yet, he couldn't stay from Lila too long not when he needed affection. Truthfully, even with his humanity off Damon craved affection. Sometimes it was more primal than the urge to feed. Damon decided that he would take what was his, and compelled Lila, to make Damon her priority, by doing that he would allow Benny to stay. Alive.
Benny was about eight when Damon began living with them permanently. The two were like oil and water. Benny didn't give a shit about the new man hanging around his mother, and he really wasn't afraid of anything even though he should have been. Whether it was because he was too young or too stubborn Benny couldn't be compelled. All and all, he was nuisance and a real thorn in Damon's side. Damon took a real liking to the kid almost immediately. Damon would take Benny on adventures and eventually the two became inseparable and got up to a lot of trouble together. Benny eventually took a liking to Damon and around the age of 12 he started calling him Dad.
Damon liked being a father, but Damon wasn't a good father and because of him Lila wasn't a good mother either.
Benny was skipping classes hanging around rough kids and being an all-around menace like Damon taught him. Lila was too busy playing house with Damon to see her own son was going down the wrong path. She was compelled to care for Damon when she should have been caring for Benny.
Damon didn't know what got into him maybe it was because he cared about Benny or maybe because Lila's indifference reminded him so much of his mother but he had a change of heart.
One day he compelled Lila, to forget about him and be a loving mother. To live for her son and no one else. Benny ended up opening the nightclub in January of 94 after graduating from Harvard business school. He was killed by one of his old classmates, one of the kids he used to skip classes with. Benny died and Lila died shortly after.
Damon never learned why the classmate shot Benny, Damon simply slaughtered him and his entire crew and their families. By the time he was done he had had enough of the blood and gore, he was ready to be free of that life. That's when he came home. That's when the real nightmare started.
"Did you hear what I said, Damon?"
Bonnie had been relatively quiet the entire ride there and during the scouting process. Aside from her constant humming, she remained silent. Bonnie was a pensive person but Damon knew there was more to her silence. She was processing everything that had happened the day before and this morning. He expected her to be angry he hoped she would explode for his intrusion and get the awkward shit over with. Instead, she had recoiled into herself like a viper waiting for the right time to pounce. Judging by her tone, now was the right time for her to strike.
Damon poured himself another glass, and downed it instantly, "What little witch am I thinking." His voice was low but it wasn't cruel.
Damon poured himself another glass. Bonnie frowned before taking a little sip and clearing her throat," you're thinking that not talking about what happened is a good thing. Cause if we don't talk about it, it's like it never happened. Part of me really doesn't want to considering what happened but considering what happened, what has been happening I think we might have to."
Damon was confused, "What do you mean exactly?"
Bonnie's ears were blushing and immediately turned away from him," You know what I mean."
Damon paused not quiet understanding," If you don't want to talk about it then don't?"
Bonnie spun around again, "But we have to I can't keep pretending there isn't a problem."
Damon felt his stomach drop but his mind was still a little fuzzy. He was pretty sure that Bonnie wasn't actually thinking what he was thinking. Damon wondered what Bonnie could mean but he really did not have a clue.
Damon got up, and removed the glass from her hands, and laid his on hers," Bon, I have no clue what you are talking about and frankly I don't think you have any clue what I'm thinking either. I've been waiting for you to say something, anything since this morning. I thought you were ignoring me."
"You've been ignoring me," her tone was harsh.
"No, I haven't," Damon spoke sternly," What is this all about? What are you mad at?"
"I am not mad," Damon rolled his eyes," I'm embarrassed."
That really floored Damon, he should be embarrassed not her.
"Why?"
"Oh Damon," Bonnie tried to turn away from him but he kept her still," I can't look at you without feeling disgusted."
"I disgust you?"
"No!" she shouted her green eyes looked wet," And that's the problem."
Damon raised an eyebrow staring into Bonnie's eyes probing for answers. Bonnie looked away staring at the wall to his left, she looked like she wanted to disappear.
Damon thought back to earlier that morning. Damon left in a rush to get gas after that morning's intimate incident between them another indiscretion to add to his I feel like a guilty piece of shit list. (* see author's note for more details.)
When he returned Bonnie was in his tub, but something wasn't right. He had rushed upstairs sure Bonnie was drowning the way her heart was racing and the way she seemed to be grasping for air. Maybe he hadn't been delusional maybe she was grasping for air, maybe her heart was hammering away but not from drowning. And that's the problem!
Damon couldn't suppress his smile; she had finally admitted it. Finally said the thing he had known for years now. Bonnie Bennett had the hots for him. Not only had she accepted this fact internally, she had apparently christened his bath tub in the celebration.
Damon wanted to jump for joy, he wanted to tease her ruthlessly and he wanted to give her everything her achingly little body surely needed. Whatever she had done in that bathtub was obviously nothing compared to having the real deal. If she begged to have him, he would oblige, hell she didn't even have to beg at this point. All she had to do was say yes, and he would deliver heaven to her in the most devilish ways.
Damon's eyes were full of lust yet Bonnie's eyes were full of tears. For Damon this felt like a victory but for Bonnie it was a defeat. Little miss perfect Bonnie Bennett was imperfect despite how hard she tried.
Damon thought of Elena, and he knew he shouldn't be so happy. The one he proclaimed as love of his life wasn't the one, he wanted to make love to right now and that was a problem. The dilemma that haunted him this morning returned and he was back to being disgusted with himself. He cared about Bonnie but he should not want her the way he did. She obviously didn't want that.
Damon felt a lump in his throat he had only felt a handful of times. He was stuck, the devil on his shoulder wanted to explore his excitement and convince Bonnie to give in to him. The angel on his shoulder wanted to console Bonnie and eradicate his lustful feelings entirely. The third option, the vampire option was to ignore his emotions, to leave Bonnie with her sorrow and dissociate completely, taking whatever, he wanted whenever he felt like, by any means necessary. He would never take that option, not with her at least. You shouldn't have taken it with anyone. He thought about Caroline, he really should apologize for what he had done. He would if he ever got the chance.
"I don't know what to say," Damon felt disconnected and he was doing everything in his power to stay present.
Bonnie growled and tore away from him, stomping to the bed," I don't know what to say either."
Bonnie landed face first on the bed, still talking into the pillows," I can't believe I gave in all because you bit me and it felt good and it made me fucking moan and wouldn't do that if you weren't stupid and made me dream of you. And I wouldn't dream of you if you weren't the last dumb man on the planet. I blame you!"
Damon blinked pretty sure he wasn't supposed to hear all that, "So it's my fault that you've had a crush on me for the last two years."
"Have not!" she sat up in the bed staring him down like an angry kitten.
"Have too!" he shouted back provoking her. She got up squaring her shoulders and facing him dead on.
"Have not! YOU have been flirtingwith ME for the last two plus years but I hated you remember and the only reason I even started liking you was because you started acting like a decent person!" Bonnie's voice was hoarse and she was poking his chest again, driving him insane.
"Pretty sure you were into me the first time you laid eyes on me," Damon whispered so close to her that all she had to do was lean forward and give them what they both wanted. Her eyes were on his lips, he knew she wanted to.
"No way I thought you were a douche and an egotistical maniac. I still do!" her breath was on his tongue so close, so close. It was maddening and frustrating and he hated her for denying him of everything he wanted right now. He hated her for making him want her so badly. He hated her because she wanted him and he could smell it like it was right there on his nose, on his tongue.
"Ha but you love that about me," he whispered sounding breathier than he ever had before. He hated her, hated her, hated her.
"No, I don't, I hate that about you.," she stood on her tiptoes getting so much closer yet she was still impossibly out of reach. Her eyes locked on his, she was waiting on him practically daring him to make the first move. At least it felt that way, and just as he was about to give in, she said," I hate you!"
Damon could feel a tingle in his brain like incoming an aneurysm. It was as if his body remembered the feelings associated with that tone of voice, as if his mind longed for things to be resolved as they had in the past. Because for all his blustering and teasing, he couldn't make himself kiss her. He needed her to give in to him, and he needed it bad.
Yet, Damon hated being a slave to her affirmation of him, he hated that she was rejecting him even though she so obviously wanted him. He took the fourth option, be Damon Salvatore, the petty king of revenge and longing. Long live the king!
"I'm starting to think you have no clue what the meaning of the word hate is," he said making sure to smirk, because he knew it did things to her but knew him too well not to expect it. She wouldn't be wounded from something so small but he knew that. It was simply bait.
"Hate the feeling of intense or passionate dislike," she spoke matter of fact like the living dictionary he knew her to be, falling into his trap.
"Exactly passionate aka, that lascivious need you had this morning, all last week and the day of your grandmother's funeral."
Damon paused realizing the weight of his words too late. The slap came instantaneously. The door slammed soon after.
Damon stood their hand on his cheek in shock. The night had fallen by the time he moved again, and it was only to destroy the room in his anger.
Then he guiltily put the room back together for when she returned. He thought about getting her flowers to apologize, roses her favorite. Then he didn't in case she returned when he was away and believed he had abandoned her.
So, he waited on the bed with his hands on his head for a couple of hours, until he got angry again. Instead of destroying the room he grabbed the bourbon prepared to down it all but he wasn't in the mood for alcohol, his stomach hurt too much from stress. As his mind got hazier with anxiety, he found ways to blame her for being annoying, emotional, and tempting.
Damon began to wonder why he was sitting locked in the room and decided to free himself. Surprise, surprise, Bonnie was not on the other side. He went down stairs to the kitchen and stood in front of the freezer. He didn't grab a blood bag; he didn't feel like eating.
Damon sat in the kitchen and wondered if he should make Bonnie something to eat. She would be back any minute and would be hungry. Wouldn't she? What if she doesn't come back?
The panic started to set in, he couldn't believe he hadn't chased after her. He knew Bonnie wouldn't have wanted that but he worried something happened to her. Then he became depressed at the thought he would be stuck there alone. Without her. It wasn't hard to imagine he had lost her she had died on him before. Wouldn't abandoning him be so much easier?
The thought made his heart thump and for second he could hear the lyrics of a familiar song. The wonder, the wonder of you. He felt the cold steel on his tongue. The constant rhythm of fan blades moving stuffy air around a musty basement. The sounds of Enzo's screams in the dark, the taste of blood and aching pain where his tongue should be. He lay there crying begging for it to end as he bled out desiccating slowly on the operation table.
And when you smile the world is brighter
Bonnie was hurt by Damon's callous words; he had pushed her over the edge. She didn't understand him, why he was making it so difficult to draw the boundaries between the two of them. She considered taking the car and heading back home, but she couldn't just leave him, even if she really hated him right now. So, she walked around the block until she found a small flower shop, where she spent time thinking and plotting out what she wanted to say. When she finally arrived back, she got cold feet so she decided it would be a good idea to calm down before she went up there to confront him. The stereo was right there so she decided to play some music. A loud thud followed shortly after the second stanza ended.
Now, Damon was on the floor and she was absolutely sure he was dying again. His veins were blackened around his eyes and for the second time this week she was afraid he was dying. Bonnie fell to her knees, trying to shake Damon out of his stupor. Instantly he gripped her shirt pulling her down to him until they were inches apart," please stop it, please stop it."
She tried to get up but he kept a tight hold on her, she touched his hand hoping to pry his fingers away but he was too strong. Damon seemed so pale but not like he had the night before. It must be the music!
"I will let me go Damon," she cooed but he refused to let her go. He was pulling her down to him now by the collar. His head was twisting into her lap, he was crying.
You touch my hand and I'm a king
"Please stop," he begged while she grabbed his hands from her collar trying to get him to release his grip but he just held on tighter, the cloth of her shirt dug deeper into her skin.
Your kiss to me is worth a fortune
"I will Damon, I will but you have to let me go," he kept pulling her down to him. Bonnie grabbed his face trying to get him to focus. She felt her fingers warm at the tips. Magic? She wasn't sure but she centered on him, trying to capture his eyes and focus his breathing.
Your love for me is everything
"Shh, shh, I am right here, Damon. I've got you," she crooned to him, shushing him softly and caressing his face. His eyes finally opened they were red with tears but he seemed to recognize her. She tried to wipe the water from his face, but her tears kept getting in the way. Damon's grip loosened around her collar, but he still held onto her, afraid to let go.
I guess I'll never know the reason why
"Damon let go so I can turn the music off," she whispered but he his grip didn't slacken.
"Bonnie?" his voice was raspy.
You love me as you do
"It's me, you're with me," she spoke realizing that Damon's mind was returning to the present. Damon's hands finally released her, they were touching her face now. They were gentle, perhaps trying to verify is she were real or not. His hands touched her lips and she felt that familiar tingle overcome her.
That's the wonder, the wonder of you.
"I'm sorry," he sat up and gripped his head. Bonnie got up finally running back to the dance hall to cut the song off. I guess I'll never know-
When she got back, Damon was still on the floor holding his head," Damon let me help you."
"I'm fine Bonnie," he sighed picking himself off the floor.
"Do you need more blood?" she asked guiding him to a lone stool.
"No Bonnie, I'm fine," he sighed sitting down. They both were quiet for what felt like eternity.
Damon grabbed Bonnie's hand bringing it to his cheek. His eyes were still wet, "Thank you."
"I am so sorry Damon I didn't know," Bonnie swallowed, choking back tears, he took her hands placing them against his cheek lovingly. She wanted to grab hold of him and bring him into her embrace. I want to kiss him. Bonnie was startled back to reality by her thoughts. She shouldn't be thinking of kissing him especially when he was so vulnerable. She shouldn't be thinking that way at all.
"You couldn't have known what that song would do to me," he whispered kissing her hand, slowly and lovingly. Bonnie closed her eyes reflexively; her skin was tingling from the touch of his lips. When she opened her eyes, she saw that he was staring at her like she hung the moon and stars. She couldn't help but stare at his lips rosy pink and soft. Would he mind if I kissed him? Would it make him feel better?
Damon as if pulled by some invisible string put his head to hers. His forehead caressed hers gently and he whispered something to her in Italian, that sounded like a prayer. Bonnie felt the urge to bridge the gap and meld herself to him. The pringle of guilt settled on the back over neck like stabbing pain.
"Stop it Damon," she pulled her hand away finally coming to her senses," We can't keep doing these things, I -I don't want you in that way."
Damon looked forlorn," I know and I am sorry. I just- I just needed to feel something different. Everything hurts." Bonnie felt bad but she promised herself to draw that boundary and she was going to do it.
"When I was imprisoned, that song was what he played, when he would torture me. Enzo, would -we would take each other's hands at night through the bars and it would help," Damon whispered," It was the only way I could sleep at night sometimes."
Bonnie just swallowed unable to keep his eye contact for long. She felt horrible for pushing him away when he needed her, but she couldn't trust herself not to misunderstand. She couldn't trust herself not to misinterpret things.
"I – What are you asking me?" she asked scared to hear the answer. Damon considered what she said for a long time before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
"Nothing," he sighed "I know you want nothing to do with me and I can't expect anything of you. After everything I've said tonight, how I've treated you in the last twenty-four hours, for the last two plus years. Trust me I know I have no right to ask you for anything nor do I deserve anything."
"But you need me?" she whispered breathless feeling lightheaded. Only he could make her feel this way, only he could make her hate him and care for him almost simultaneously. Part of her wanted to hurt him they way he had her, to bring up Elena and what she would say to him if she saw him clinging to Bonnie and kissing her hand like his life depended on it. Another part of her the much stronger part of her wanted to hold him tightly to her chest until his tears dried. She wanted to kiss the pain away. Bonnie would choose the middle ground.
She didn't want to abandon Damon she just wanted to make it clear that they were friends. She would take inspiration from Enzo, something she never thought she would think in her life.
Bonnie took Damon's hand, it felt nice and she couldn't ignore the way her heart picked up in speed. She took a calming breath before speaking," We are friends Damon. Nothing's changed for me, not really. Just know that I'd rather die than betray my friend's trust."
I'd rather die than be with you! Damon couldn't help but interpret it that way.
"I am not a saint Damon; things cannot be as they were before. So tonight, and only tonight, I will hold your hand until you're better. I will stay with you because you need me and I am your friend. But I need you to understand that I can't make a habit of this."
Damon noticed that Bonnie never mentioned what she would do if he didn't stop pushing her boundaries. He sighed feeling pathetic for noticing that, he should respect her wishes and be grateful for what she was willing to give. But he couldn't help himself.
She was holding his hand and her heart was wild and ragged. Touching her this way he could feel her pulse through her veins, he could have sworn magic was flowing in them. Trace amounts but present non-the less.
Damon wondered if Bonnie was getting her powers back, if that was the case then he didn't need to make things any more complicated for them. He would keep his distance after tonight.
They fell asleep holding hands that night by the morning they were snuggling each other.
Monday, September 4, 2012: New Moon-1994
Bonnie missed the moonlight; she had complained about it to Damon from the beginning. Bonnie always felt connected to the moon, maybe only having a new moon's energy to pull from was the reason she was struggling with her magic.
For the past thirteen days, she had been escaping fights with Damon and working to find her magic again. Nothing was happening, she swore she had felt it with Damon two weeks ago when he was hurt.
It had occurred to her that somehow Damon was the catalyst for her magic. Which did not jive with what her grandmother taught her. Magic was internally motivated, it lied within the person not others. Plus, there was no way her grandmother could have known Damon would be stuck with her. So, what was the real reason?
The radio turned on ripping through the night and reaching her all the way to the old swing in the backyard. It was Damon, here to annoy her, humiliate her or tease her. Whatever his reason it didn't matter, she'd just leave to go to her room where he wouldn't bother her, because for some reason a guy who did not respect personal space, never entered her room without her permission. Go figure.
"What do you want Salvatore," they were back to a last name basis.
"Well Bennett," Damon retorted sounding sloshed which was a feat," I am here to offer a temporary truce for however long it will last."
"You are drunk."
"True and I am lonely, and I miss my bestie. My gal-pal. My little bird. My Bonica Rose."
Bonica Rose, how she hated that name, he knew that, his offer for truce was a good as dead, and negotiations hadn't even started yet.
"No."
"Oh, come on Bon-Bon," he whined setting the radio at her feet along with a bottle of her favorite chardonnay and one glass. At least he had enough since not to keep drinking.
"Why are you whining," she replied smugly.
"Haha, don't act like you said something smart, you don't even remember what happened in the first place. You don't even remember that I warned you if you kept whining then we could never be friends outside of the confines of our piccolo paradiso." He was drunk enough to start throwing Italian phrases, eventually he would only be speaking Italian.
"Damon, I don't want to drink with you, especially not after we fought,"
"Come on cara mia," Bonnie rolled her eyes," we fight all the time, that's us. Litighiamo, balliamo, beviamo e litighiamo ancora, it's linguaggio d'amore."
"It's not our love language Damon, because we aren't in love!" she shouted getting up from the swing.
"Don't friends have love for each other."
"Certo ma, non così," she replied crossing her arms before attempting to walk away but he blocked her.
"Oh, looks whose been brushing up on her Italian. Sono fiero," Damon blocked her way. Despite the fact that he was drunk, he was still much sturdier and far more in control of his body then she ever would be.
"Va al diavolo," she commanded but he didn't budge.
"Get thee behind me Satan? Really?"
"Or get lost, choose either they both apply."
Damon laughed so hard that his hair fell into his eyes, he looked cute and boyish. "You are so funny cara mia."
"Oh god," she groaned not intending for it be said out loud.
"God, but I thought I was the devil," Damon waggled his eyebrows trying to be comical but he looked edible, completely delicious. Fuck you, Damon!
"Go away, I am done here," Bonnie moved quickly finally getting around Damon, but it was short lived. He grabbed her hand and spun her into him just in time to the music.
"This is our station, Bon-Bon," Damon crooned getting way to close to her," that means our song could play any minute."
Bonnie blushed, they had heard the song on this station that only played music from the fifties to the seventies. They couldn't remember the time of day, because they were so out of it, but they both remembered dancing to it. It was Damon's suggestion to make it their song, Bonnie whole heartedly agreed at the time.
"Do you hear yourself, our song?"
"Can't friends have songs?"
"Certo ma, non così," Damon giggled at her quick reply.
"Okay Bonnie, I get it, you want to forget all those beautiful moments we made together," don't say it like that idiot, it sounds romantic," but tonight I am tired of fighting. I just want my dance partner back for a few hours. If not a few hours then a couple dances."
"Damon we can't keep doing this."
"And we won't," he said firmly," after this sarà finita, complete, morto."
Morto? Bonnie tried not to read into his words, Damon had a flair for the dramatic, dead was probably not meant literally. Probably.
"It will be over?" Bonnie asked curiously her arms that had been keeping Damon at a distance slackened.
"Si mia cara amica, io Damiano Francesco Salvatore giuro che questa sarà l'ultima volta che ballerò con te in questo mondo."
Bonnie couldn't translate all of it but she got the gist, "the last time."
"I promise," he spoke gravely and that made Bonnie nervous. She didn't like how intense this was becoming, how irresolute he was sounding. Maybe it wasn't just the booze. Bonnie tried to lighten the mood, so she played into it, their love language.
"Yeah right, and I am supposed to believe that? All week you have been testing me."
"I know and I can see that your serious. I am not saying I want to be unfaithful; I am not that kind of guy. Hell, I waited decades before I ever seriously looked at another woman besides Katherine. Elena is no different."
"But?" Bonnie was shaken by the mention of Elena's name, it reminded her that her innocent little crush didn't have innocent little consequences. Bonnie understood why Damon had gotten so serious, he was going to make this the end. At least that was what she believed until he started speaking again.
"Judging by the fact that your magic has not miraculously come back yet, we may be stuck here for a while."
Bonnie rolled her eyes trying to pull away from him again. It was the same, excuse he was using this morning. The we don't know when we will return let's let the chips fall where they may excuse. Bonnie was starting to wonder if Damon really loved Elena. She knew he did. But the way he was pushing her made her wonder.
"What I'm saying Bonnie, is stop controlling every little thing? Just accept how you feel and move on? Or would you rather die unhappy than just let things be what they are? Do you think so little of your grandmother's sacrifice?"
"How dare you?"
"She wanted you here for a reason, and I know I was not a part of her plans. But maybe she wanted you to be safe, and to live happily."
"If she wanted me stay here safe and happy, why are you my only companion? If you weren't here, it would just be me. Alone. Why would she do that to me?"
"I- don't know."
"She wouldn't do that to me. So, there has to be a way out."
"Even if there is, there is no telling when you would find it or even if you'd find it."
"Do you love Elena?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"Why are so hell bent on me giving into you? Or have I misinterpreted your little mind games as you wanting more than just a quick lay."
"What?"
"I get it, your lonely and horny. So, am I! But I am not going to be your lady in waiting, I am not that woman. You and I will never work. Hell, right now, I am not even sure our friendship does. I mean are we even friends? If we were friends, you wouldn't be pushing me if, we were friends you wouldn't be trying to convince me..."
"Okay, okay! I get it, you think all I want from you is sex. And I guess you're right! I am horny and I'd love to get laid." Bonnie could feel the hurt in Damon's voice, his wrath was upon her" You know when else you were right, ten days ago, when you said happiness, true love and all that bullshit isn't in the cards for us. You were right four days ago when you said that, if we weren't in this shithole neither you or I would be tempted like this. Don't however, mistake my attempts to embrace the suck as a willingness to turn my back on Elena. The woman I love is on other side and you keep claiming I have a chance of seeing her. I don't want to give up on her, on any of it. But I can't be so unrealistic to believe that will happen anytime soon. You haven't given me any reason to believe it. You want to be right, then be right, but it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that I am stuck here with you, not her."
Bonnie didn't know what to say, she was hurt and relieved and angry all at the same time. Damon had said everything she knew to be true, yet somehow it still hurt to hear. It was everything she had expected, her prophecy fulfilled, but goddess did she want something different to come out of his mouth.
"I hate you," she whispered solemnly, tears bubbling up.
"I know." he answered just as glum pulling her closer.
When no-one else can understand me
When everything I do is wrong
Damon's arm stiffened around Bonnie's waist and almost reflexively she moved closer to him until her head was just underneath his chin. She could smell his scent, bergamot, lavender, leather and bourbon. She thought back to the many nights he had read Sol, Luna y Talia to her when she was panicking and afraid. That scent always lingered in her room the morning after, clinging to her bedsheets.
You give me hope and consolation
You give me strength to carry on
Bonnie hated this, she hated how tightly he was holding her and how much she liked it. Damon was warm and tall and they were now head to chest. Her hand glided from his chest to his back making circles with her fingers. His muscles were firm but they felt soft due to the warn flannel underneath her finger tips.
And you're always there to lend a hand
In everything I do
Bonnie could hear Damon's heart beat underneath her. It was slow, not as slow as it should have been. Bonnie wondered for a second if maybe she was the cause for this, but she was too afraid to look at him. To see his teasing smile, his confusion or worse his anger.
That's the wonder
"Please stop," Damon called his voice sounding stiff. She looked up surprised to see his eyes were vamped out.
The wonder of you
"Please stop," he whispered, looking paler than ever. His breathing was shallow.
Bonnie recognized the song, and immediately rushed out to the old radio. Feeling flustered as she cursed under her breath. Why the fuck does this song keep playing? Why the fuck were we listening to oldies if this just keeps happening?
Damon was sitting down on the floor, taking several deep breaths.
"Goddammit," she swore bending down to his level," are you okay?"
"Not the worst not the best," he sighed looking embarrassed," should probably keep it off that station for now hunh."
"Yeah maybe?" she laughed nervously but her heart hurt. Their days of dancing by starlight were over. Finito. Senza vita. Morto.
"Are you going to be, okay?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think you will need me?"
"I should be fine," he answered softly, he didn't seem so sure," I know you'd rather not make a habit out of it."
"Right," Bonnie gritted her teeth at the sound of her words being thrown back at her. She felt fear rise in her at the thought of Damon suffering alone. She tried to rationalize that if he needed her, he would say it. No, he wouldn't.
For all their fighting and her insinuation that all he wanted from her was sex. She knew Damon cared about her, genuinely, he had made teasing her a habit of his and it was definitely hard one to break. But so was helping her and acting like everything was okay when it really wasn't. They had both been guilty of that more times than she could count.
"I think I am going to bed," he stated and headed back to the boarding house. Bonnie watched his figure disappear, butterflies in her stomach, she didn't want him to go.
Bonnie tried to fall asleep that night but she couldn't. Her anxiety was through the roof, she spent most the night debating what she should do. Damon's words echoed in her head.
Stop controlling every little thing? Just accept how you feel and move on? Or would you rather die than just let things be what they are? Do you think so little of your grandmother's sacrifice?
Bonnie wasn't going to betray her best friend, and she knew Damon wasn't really trying to leave Elena for her. He made that clear, so maybe she could was making things a bigger deal than they were. She and Damon had been alone together for months, now. They had been sleeping closer to each other if not in the same bed on occasion since the beginning. Only now because of a stupid little incident she was acting all hot and bothered.
Just accept how you feel and move on?
Bonnie did have a crush on Damon, she was in lust with him to be more exact. That didn't mean she had to have sex with him, she could still be there for him. Just as she always had. If she felt herself get overwhelmed, she would take a step back. She couldn't force Damon to change his behavior just because she felt uncomfortable. Bonnie had landed on the whole crux of their argument for the last two weeks. Bonnie was asking Damon to change and he didn't want to and she couldn't force him.
Truthfully, she didn't want him to change she liked how things had been. She was the one who changed, so she had to be to the one to change back. Bonnie thought about it, for a while. She knew she was making excuses, trying to twist the narrative so she could go to Damon. She knew she was in the wrong, but she was ready to believe the crazy story she was telling herself because she missed Damon and she needed him badly.
Bonnie stood outside Damon's door not sure whether to knock or just enter. Suddenly the door opened and Damon was standing there looking worn out in just a white shirt and blue jeans. Bonnie hated how much his disheveled boozy look bothered her, the epidemy of reckless bad boy. Stuff like that used to gross her out but Damon carried it so well.
"You need something little bird," he whispered and she hated how happy she was to hear her nickname. She took a deep breath and steadied herself. Accept and let go. Damon is hot that is not going to change. He is also my friend and he needs me. She felt a little bit of the tension in her chest ease. I want to be there for him, I want be next to him. The tension crept away leaving a soothing calmness in its wake.
She opened her eyes meeting his gaze coolly," Do you need me here?"
Damon was silent, staring at her not quite sure what to make of her. They stood that way for a while just staring at each other. Bonnie calm and collected and Damon quiet and pensive.
Bonnie finally broke the silence her voice wavering as if she was confessing," Do you want me here?"
Damon grabbed Bonnie's hand and pulled her through the doorway, shutting it after them. They shared a bed just as they had every night for the last thirteen days. Just as they did almost every night until the day, they parted from 1994. Always under the same pretext. Friendship.