34
bring me angels
to keep away hurt
shield and solace
offer divine sanctuary
in love there
is no need to find
a hiding place
and when beloved
you come again
i will know your face
and speak your name
-when angels speak of love by bell hooks
Where's my love by SYML
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Damon parked his car a couple blocks from his destination in front of a wooden two-story building, built during his pre-vampire era. Damon considered compelling his car some garage space while he took care of business but he knew he most likely would not be away for too long. It still wasn't clear whether the person he was meeting would really want to help him.
It was a cold fall evening in Chicago. The winds were picking up and there was a threat of another bout of snow fall. He stared out the window pulling the collar of his blue turtle neck up a bit more before zipping his brown Vuitton jacket up half way. Damon, preferred warmer weather and tried to keep his mind off the cold about to seep into his bones as he turned the car off. He took another look at his phone's GPS, before heading to his destination.
Situated within the small suburban neighborhood was a tiny two-story brown brick building on the corner. Its round porticos entryway was simple with white trim adorning the green door. Long strands of lit garlands were tacked on to the trim haphazardly. A small sign above the door that said ' Drink!' glowed neon red and green, welcoming visitors in from the cold.
Despite the snow and fierceness of the wind, Damon could pick up Abby's scent from outside. Her blood was floral a signature of her Bennett heritage, but the indescribable smell of something else gave her vampiric nature away.
Damon entered the bar cautiously, although he was sure he could take whatever Abby could dish, he was still hyper aware of any possible surprises. Even though she was magic less she was still a Bennett, and Damon had come to respect their ability to come up on top, even when the chips were down.
The bar itself was curved like the entryway and decked with more garland. A warmly lit wall of liquor glowed softly at the center, bathing the entire bar in cheerful glow. On the right were rows of decorated old pinball games, and to the left were booths and tables lit delicately by soft yellow light from the old chandeliers that jutted from the wooded roof. The place smelled like old cigars and stale bourbon, a redolence in ode to the seventies, and for a minute it reminded him of Christmas eve in New York. It felt like home.
"When Stefan, called me saying he needed my help to save Bonnie, I expected him to come here himself," Abby whispered lowly so only Damon could hear. His eyes searched the room before quickly landing on the farthest dark corner from the doorway, where he was standing.
"Well, he got a bit caught up," Damon spoke matter of fact under his breath before heading to the bar to grab a drink, "Besides it's not him who needs your help."
The female bartender was a cute blonde who was more than happy to poor Damon a drink and flash her cleavage at him as well. She was about to strike up a conversation with Damon when Abby sat at the bar next to him. The two women made eye contact and silent conversation passed through there eyes before the blonde nodded her head and went off to help another customer.
Abby's attention turned to Damon, her piercing gaze spelled no nonsense when she asked, "Why?"
"You mean, why am I asking you for help?"
"No, I understand why you are asking me. Stefan let me know where and with whom Bonnie is stuck." Abby's words came out sharply.
"Take it you're not a fan of Malachi Parker either."
"I don't like most Gemini in general, but that one, I loathe. Much like how I feel about you."
"Look I get that you hate me and you wish to subject me to an eternity of misery, but do you think you can put that to the side so we can focus on saving your daughter…. Unless I need to explain the reason why we need to save your daughter in the first place. At which point I can be very convincing "Damon's voice was sinister despite the large smirk on his face.
Abby appeared unfazed, "You didn't answer my question why do you want to help Bonnie?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes, because if you want to save her so she could be a pawn in one of your stupid games Salvatore, then I do not see any difference with her staying put where she is.
"So, you think this is me playing a game, that I'm just using Bonnie.
"No, I am almost a hundred percent certain, but I am waiting to hear the bullshit come from your mouth."
Where was all this concern for me playing games with Bonnie back then. Hell, where was this concern for her ever, in the last two decades?
Damon and Abby caught each other in a death glare, it was only a matter of time before one would attack the other. For a moment, Damon could see her , in the almond shape of Abby's eyes and the slight furrow in her brow. His heart fluttered unexpectedly and he quickly looked away.
Taking a long swig of his bourbon, Damon closed his eyes trying not to get carried away by the thought of Bonnie's green ones, the memory of her scent, and the titillating rasp of her voice. It was hard enough to miss her, he did not need to be lusting for her right now, especially not while looking into her mother's eyes.
Surprise, surprise you have standards, said the annoying disembodied voice of his favorite witch, causing him to smile and cringe almost simultaneously.
The first time Damon had heard Bonnie's voice was after Elena had hurt herself trying to get her memories back. The shock of seeing Elena in danger seemed to awaken some better part of himself and ever since his soft-spoken conscious had become loud, strong willed and frankly a little obnoxious. As much as the idea of hearing voices should have disturbed him, he was glad to have a little piece of Bonnie. Even if it was the most annoying piece.
"If you must know, Mommy Dearest, you aren't the only one who owes her a lot more than what she was given," he sighed feeling his chest tighten at the memory of almost killing Bonnie once," our Bonica-Rose deserves better and I plan on giving her just that. But I can't do that from out here, which is why I need your help. So? Are you in?"
"First of all, she is not your Bonica-Rose, so you do not get to call her that. Second, you have had nearly two centuries to do right by my family but you dropped the ball especially where me and my mother are concerned, so I don't buy this whole trying do better crap. Thirdly, I do not trust you, but I know that you are the type who would do anything to get what you want."
"So…"
"I am in."
"Sweet"
"Only problem is, I don't have what you need in order to save Bonnie."
Damon sighed prepared to explain that they only really needed her blood not Bennett magic when she interrupted," But I know someone who can give you what you need."
"And what's that?" he asked sarcastically ready to correct her.
"Living Bennett blood of course."
If you had told Damon weeks ago, that Bonnie was alive and he would have a strategy to free her, he would not have batted an eyelash. Even though he had been seriously worried about her, some part of him still held on to hope that he would get her back. However, if you had told him, that he would be finding his way back to the living Bonnie Bennett via her mother, well that he would never have believed.
They had been driving for about twenty minutes, and were on their way to the next town over. Although Abby had explained the reason for their trip out of town, he had not truly understood and processed everything yet. Part of him, was still in shock that she was willing to help. He came for the sole purpose to bleed her dry if he had to. The fact that he didn't have to was surprising.
"So, remind me again, why we can't use your blood," Damon asked, and Abby rolled her eyes crossing her arms just the way Bonnie did.
"For the last time Salvatore, you need living Bennett blood to break the spell. The fact that I am no longer living, your fault by the way, prevents me from breaking the lock. Look I know you're like almost two hundred, but you're still young enough to remember what I told you twenty minutes ago."
"Ahh the classic your old jokes," Damon smiled feeling goosebumps warm his arms, "can't say I missed that?"
"What?"
"Nothing, just…" Damon sighed feeling embarrassed, he tried to tell himself it was the residual cold that made his nipples a bit hard," I get it we need living blood with Bennett magic attached and last time I checked Lucy Bennett was the only other option."
"Correct."
"Hate to break it to you Morticia but I tried to reach out to her first, but she hasn't picked up her phone. Judging by the fact that you are having me drive twenty minutes outside of town to the middle of nowhere instead of just calling her, I am assuming you haven't been in contact with her either."
"Correct again, new personal best I'm assuming. Lucy has a habit of going off the grid and disappearing. She has been that way since we were kids. Also, stop trying to be cute with the nicknames we aren't like that."
Damon didn't have to look at Abby to know that she was serious about him stopping, the silence was charged with their discontent. Damon didn't even know why he was bothering with nicknames he didn't even like her.
"So, you have a way to find her?"
"Obviously Salvatore, or did you think I had a way to turn back into a member of the living. If I had that, trust I would have used it by now."
Damon was reminded of his dream in '94 where is grandmother urged him to take the cure. It made so much sense at the time, because he believed he was going to trapped forever. So, he woke up early that morning and mapped a course for Nova Scotia in the library Atlas. In hindsight he was glad he hadn't taken the cure, he loved being a vampire far too much.
"There is no guarantee that if you had the cure, you would get all your powers back. I mean when Silas turned, he had magic but he lost his ability to read minds. In my opinion, being a powerful vampire beats being a magic less witch, any day."
"So, you saw one witch become mortal and you think you know how it all works."
"It's one more than you have," Damon's voice was smug as he turned to look to his left, but seeing Abby's face surprised him. His heart lurched and his stomach felt weightless.
"I don't agree with your logic on how the cure supposedly works but I think we can agree on one thing. Being an immortal vampire beats being a magic less witch."
Damon snorted at Abby's words. "What?" she responded defensively.
"It's surprising that's all. Never expected you to agree with me."
"Yeah, well don't get used to it. We are here," she whispered as they finally reached the estate at the end of the cul-de-sac. It looked like something out of the Addams' Family, and Damon noticed a great big oak tree out in the front yard. For a moment he got a serious case of Déjà vu, and the image of rope crawling up and down the tree like vines clouded his vision.
"Are you coming inside Salvatore?" Abby asked gliding toward the side of the house, away from the great oak tree. Behind the small dark iron gates on the side of the mansion, Damon could see a green house. The charge in the air was unlike anything else and he didn't need to be a witch to know there was magic pulsating around them.
Damon's eyes wandered to Abby's face and he could see the permanent furrow of her brow had eased itself. He could not imagine what it felt like for a witch, if it felt that good to a vampire.
"Where are we?"
"This place belongs to my coven, a mix of witches and vampires."
"I've heard of those mixed species covens, never actually seen one."
"You don't believe vampires and witches can co-exist."
"Didn't say that I just never saw it."
The green house, was a wonder to the senses and the energy emanating around them was imbued with smells of all different power sources. Then there were hints of a much sweeter aroma, the vampires. It was like the fragrance of flowers and honeycomb crystals were burning on an incense pile. The scents commingled giving the space a sort of magical aliveness, like shimmering moonlight on water or flecks of dust in the sunlight. Damon had not felt this giddy since he had been alone with his grandmother in the town hothouse, started by the first Honoria Fell a suspected witch.
Damon thought of Bonnie, and wondered if she would like her own greenhouse somewhere close to the boardinghouse. He could build one for her on the outskirts of the family garden, or someplace she could easily see from her bedroom window. Even though, she was more accustomed to using fire magic, he was sure she would appreciate having a place to herself. Damon could see her, filling the place with her power, her aromatic signature melding with the plant life, floral on flora. Damon's eyes were stuck on a trellis of bonica-roses when Abby woke him from his reverie.
"I need you to stay out here Damon," Abby voice was soaked with annoyance, "being in the greenhouse is one thing but I cannot let another vampire in the house without permission. So, stay out here and collect the things off this list."
Damon did as he was told, snipping handfuls of Gardenias, Lavender, and Myosotis Scorpiodes (also known as Forget-Me Not) and adding them to a small pot nearby. Damon debated whether he should grab a few bonica-roses as well.
"I planted those there a year ago and they have been doing very well."
"They are beautiful," Damon saw that Abby was carrying a basket of things," Is that what we need for the spell."
Damon went to add his portion to hers, when she stopped him. Her right arm was outstretched hovering just above his chest. Abby was five nine, seven inches taller than her daughter. She looked him in the eye directly and he was caught by the full force of her gaze that burned like a wildfire in August.
"This time I want the truth Damon," Abby's voice was measured but serious and for a moment Damon swore there was a slight shift in the atmosphere of the greenhouse it was much hotter," Why are you trying to save my daughter?"
Abby's intensity might have scared any other person, but Damon was not easily shaken. He returned his own steely gaze with a beautiful unbothered smirk. The wind outside began to pick up as the snow fell chaotically, juxtaposing the quiet heat of the inside of the greenhouse.
"I can ask you the same thing, I mean you aren't exactly the mother of the century. So why are you bothering to help now, when you haven't bothered to be present for the last two decades."
"I didn't have a choice then!"
"And now it's different? That is such a lame excuse. You were her mother you always had a choice, and you chose to abandon her even though you had a responsibility to her."
"I didn't choose to abandon her. I didn't choose to abandon those I am responsible for. I am not you."
"News flash Bennett my humanity was off that sort of thing makes people crazy. You don't have the same excuse.
"Excuse? You chose to get rid of your humanity, it was taken from me! That spell to desiccate Michael did more than just strip me of my powers, it destroyed my ability to love."
Damon was speechless and he wanted to interrogate her to rip the truth out but he wasn't even sure what he just heard, "how?"
"Magic needs a source, that source has always been the love I feel for others. Love is the most powerful emotion in a witch's arsenal. The magic I was using required a human life, and well I was far too stubborn to sacrifice anyone, no matter how much they begged. So, I stupidly gave parts of myself to complete the spell. I gave my heart, and with it I lost all feeling. I lost myself. When I finally came too after months of being in a coma, I couldn't look at my family without feeling this burning pit consuming me, tainting me. The more I stayed the more the dark magic I used tried to take over. So, I left. By the time I met my new husband, I was finally able to look in the mirror without wanting to kill myself. But I still couldn't see my daughter without feeling that pit."
"So, you tried to erase the pain of losing them by finding a replacement family?"
"Erase? No. Didn't you notice how my boy's eyes look so much like Bonnie's? My heart may have been shattered but I never stopped loving my baby girl, my Bonica rose. That kind of love will never truly die, even if it takes a lifetime to come back to you."
"Why didn't you tell her this? I mean you acted like you didn't even know she existed when you first met her."
"I had my reasons."
"And?"
"Why do you want to save Bonnie?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes, it does matter since last time I checked Bonnie hates you and you don't do anything for anyone else without having a selfish reason. So, give me one good reason why I shouldn't just kill you right now. "
"Kill me? Ha-ha that's funny, like I said if you care about your daughter like you claim then, it shouldn't matter why I am saving her. The fact that I'm trying should be good enough. Besides caring about how another person feels just doesn't jive with the cold heartless bitch look."
There was silence inside the greenhouse but it was as hot as a pressure cooker about to explode. The snow was falling and melting against the window panes instantly as the wind blew down relentlessly.
"I have a lot of my own reasons to hate you Damon, if it weren't for you maybe I wouldn't have had to sacrifice everything to save my friends and family for Michael. If it weren't for you, my friend Gail wouldn't be dead and her baby would probably be starting her freshman year at Whitmore with Bonnie to guide her. If it weren't for you, my first lo—my best friend Zach wouldn't be dead. Maybe I would have been there to save Elena's parents, to help defeat Katherine. Instead of being a pariah too afraid to look upon my own daughters face in case I burned internally from the inside or worse let the darkness inside of me consume her. Maybe if..."
Abby was on the verge of tears but she regained her composure.
"Maybe," Abby scoffed turning her back on Damon, "my life is full of maybes because of you."
"I can't change the pass Damon, and now that I am a vampire, I finally feel connected to the things I lost long ago; my feelings and my magic even if I can't wield it. That is also your fault, you made a choice to save my daughter's life rather than end it. For that I am grateful but I just can't trust you that easily, not until you tell me the truth."
Abby turned around studying Damon's face for a second before reaching out to a small patch of poinsettias. They seemed to brighten at her touch.
"I don't know what she means to you Damon, but I need to hear the truth if I am going to help you save her. I need to know that you aren't going to hurt my little girl because you are right, she deserves so much better than that."
Abby was in tears and Damon's stomach was in knots. The same old weight of guilt wrapped around his neck; everything was his fault. So much of the wrong that had happened to the Bennett's in the last fifty years were a result of his poor decisions, his cowardice. The feeling of the flames of the Augustine fire lapped at his mind like the beckoning flames of hell. Damon considered evading Abby's questioning, but he decided to tell the truth as best he could.
"Your daughter," he started feeling the lump in his throat as he swallowed back his pain and sorrow," is just someone I cannot live without."
Damon looked up shyly at Abby hoping she would understand without him having to elaborate. Damon did not have the words to elaborate, what Bonnie was to him, and what she wanted to be to him all these things confused him and he tried to resist thinking about it.
Abby looked at him her eyes wide, with what he assumed was a revelation. He hoped she hadn't jumped to any conclusion.
"Does Elena know that Bonnie is just someone you can't live without?"
Damon wanted to say, it's not like that, instead he said," I don't know, it's complicated."
"Complicated?"
"Elena doesn't exactly remember me and Bonnie is just a friend," Damon explained finally, confused on why he hadn't just said that in the first place. That Bonnie was just a friend, it was the truth after all.
"Right."
"I—I"
"I don't want your explanation, Salvatore. Just know that if your complicated relationship gets in the way of you saving my daughter or ends up hurting her in any way, I will kill you."
Damon was about to bluster about how she could try but he caught that look in her eye, the patented "I talk of certainties not promises," look only a Bennett could give. It sent a chill down his spine letting him know that she had a way to kill him at that very second, if need be.
"Understood."
"The basket includes the spell you'll need and the stone you'll need to call Lucy forth. It's imbued with her magic, because this spell requires blood magic to fuel it, you won't need a witch to get it to work."
"Wait, me?"
"Yes you, Lucy swore she would kill me if I ever called upon her ever. And you may not know my cousin very well but she does not give death threats lightly."
"So, I just say the ritual and that's it?"
"I photocopied the instructions," she pulled out a stack of paper," but call if you're still confused."
"Okay, thanks," Damon felt deflated, he considered demanding Abby to help but something told him it was best if he did it on his own.
"You will need to use a celestial event to ground the magic, tonight should work since it's a full moon. If you do it tonight Lucy will get the urge to come to you within the hour."
Damon looked down at the basket nervously not feeling confident at all in performing the spell on his own. He considered for a moment finding a way to force Abby to do it, or finding a member of her coven and persuading them to do it.
Abby surprised him and touched his arm briefly, easing his frustration, "you will be fine Salvatore; you are not actually doing any real magic. Save bleeding a little, the ingredients will do all the work."
After Abby said her final goodbyes, Damon hurried to his car and turned it on. The tightness in his bowels fell away like the heavy snow on his windshield. He was only a few more steps away from getting his Bon-Bon back. Damon looked back at the mansion and considered whether what Abby had said was the truth. She really didn't have a reason to lie, so it could be true. However, none of that mattered if Bonnie didn't know and Damon was sure he wasn't the one to tell her. That was Abby's responsibility.
Tuesday, December 21, 2012
Damon felt the knot in his chest finally loosen as he took his sixth shot of bourbon. Normally he was a sipping man but something had found its way into his heart and only a lot of alcohol very quickly seemed to ease the tension. The pain that had flown in and created a nest of thistles in his chest had slowly been building since he returned alone. The recent failure had increased the pain to unbearable levels.
Last night he was greeted by a dream of Bonnie being shot again only this time he hadn't left. Instead, he held her in his arms in shock as he watched the light leave her eyes. The dream felt so real like a memory, and he realized it was a memory of Rose's death. Damon didn't spend much time trying to dissect his psyche instead he put his full attention back to his age-old pastime, stalking Elena.
Damon had been following Elena, making his presence known some days, keeping his distance other days. Damon didn't know how to approach her again, how to make her want him again and some days he wasn't sure he wanted to.
Things were tumultuous after the failure to get Bonnie back alive. Everything backfiring was no one's fault really but still he wondered if maybe he could have succeeded if it were just him. Damon knew that there was no reason to blame Elena for not getting Bonnie back, if. If anyone was to be blamed for it should be him for even trying in the first place. Per Lucy's advice they were supposed to wait into she returned from her current mission before attempting the spell, in case it backfired or they ran into Kai. Of course, that wasn't going to stop Damon because he always knew better.
But still could it have worked if I went alone.
Is that the only reason, you wanted to go alone Damon? Bonnie's voice echoed in his thoughts as he called for another glass.
Even though, you know I don't want you, Damon's heart was starting to pound, shouldn't want you I should say.
How do you expect to get Elena back, if you're still hung up on the girl who will never want you back. Do you think she will take pity on you eventually?
Recently, her voice had split into two; the sweet call of the good and the noble, to a strange siren of disease. Damon knew it was just his guilt and his own desperation causing the auditory hallucinations. He knew if he ignored them, they would go away, all he had to do was distract himself sufficiently. Which was why he was trying to find Elena.
Damon's head was in his hands and he was close to pulling his hair out. Finally, a glass appeared attached to the hand of Liv Parker," If you are trying to get me to do another spell for you Damon, then think again."
Damon sighed, sort of relieved to be free of the witch in his head, however a much angrier and more annoying witch wasn't much of an upgrade.
"Not here for you, Wicked Witch of the East," he scoffed taking the shot of bourbon and began sipping it.
"Then why have you been sulking here for the last three weeks, drinking all our liquor. Don't you have some other place to haunt. You know someplace where everybody knows your name."
"First of all, you're not funny, in fact I don't even think you were old enough to see Cheers let alone watch the re-runs on Nick and Nite. Secondly, technically this bar belongs to me, it's a property in the Salvatore Family Trust much like most of ye old Whitmore's properties and estates. See it was all a part of my hostile take…."
"I do not care Damon, if you aren't going to fire me or ask me to help you with anymore bullshit missions you have, we are good. Okay? Kay. Great, I've got tables to wait, 'Boss'."
Liv stormed off and Damon wondered not for the first time why he was keeping her alive at all. She was annoying beyond belief and she was close to Tyler Lockwood of all people. She obviously wasn't the best judge of character. Plus, she was a witch who lacked the juice necessary to get Bonnie back. A fact that made Damon desperate for revenge against her and her brother Luke.
The only thing that was stopping him was the sound of Bonnie's voice, the good one.
Chill out Damon, you aren't going to hurt her. I get why you want to but you aren't because A) you might need her and you aren't stupid. And B) underneath that hardened exterior you're a nice person. She's just scared and who wouldn't be her crazy brother is on the loose and wants to kill her. We should be grateful she even tried to help.
Bonnie's good voice had become less common, as her other voice began teasing him for his shortcomings. He needed the real Bonnie back to help him navigate his negative thoughts, to help him re-center.
"What are you doing here Damon?" Elena's voice sent a wave of prickling sensation up his arm and down his spine. Distracted by his own thoughts he hadn't noticed Elena had come through the door. Her scent of cedar and cinnamon was a welcome and familiar friend to him. It reminded him of his fireplace and the eternal hearth that yearned for the face connected to the smell.
Damon felt all the usual awe and wonder, whenever he was near Elena. All his anxiety and fear transformed into yearning and endless adoration. It was almost like the first day he met her, except underneath all that passion was a quiet resignation. It didn't feel any way in particular, neither good nor bad. It was just there; he wasn't sure if it was his doubt that they would be together or his certainty that he couldn't be without her for very long. He needed his confidant to help him work it out.
"Haven't you heard? The world is ending today, and I have decided to spend my final days with you. Come to dinner with me."
"Cute, but it's not going to work Damon. One I highly doubt the world is going to end. Two, I am not interested in having dinner with you. I thought we had already established this."
"We established that you have no memory of me but, you not wanting to ever have dinner with me is news." Damon leaned in sliding a piece of hair from Elena's face. She took him in from the corner of her eye seemingly studying his lips, before her eyes locked on his. Elena's eyes were full of longing and Damon knew that with a bit of a push he could have her again. Damon licked his lips and Elena looked away from him blushing slightly.
"Well, it shouldn't be Damon," Elena flipped her hair before signing for the bartender," A shot of bourbon please." A male bartender quickly poured her a glass, and Elena took her time eyeing the man once over exaggeratedly before looking at Damon for a reaction. He didn't give one, he knew this game. It was his.
"What do you mean?" Damon asked curiously, throwing down money for her drink. Elena walked away from the bar and headed to the back where Damon had been sitting in the past, when he had been observing her. He followed behind her wordlessly.
Elena sat down at a table made for one, obviously challenging Damon to leave her alone. Yet Damon wouldn't be deterred, he pulled up a chair to her left side staring lovingly at her features. Elena was hiding a smile but obviously adoring the attention, she loved it when he made his adoration of her known. Unlike a certain someone I know, who can't take a compliment to save her life.
"I don't remember anything about our lives together, and frankly I'm not sure I should, especially after that onetime I almost got hurt," she looked at him accusingly.
"You mean when you threw yourself at the anti-magic barrier. Are you blaming me for that?" Damon's voice came out harsher than intended, he was supposed to be easy and flirtatious not confrontational.
"No, of course not and I am referring to almost getting stuck in 1994 because we were on my front porch, as you were trying to get me to remember what you believed was one of our greatest hits. It was sweet but Liv and Luke almost couldn't get us back, and we lost our chance to get Bonnie which really sucked too." Damon's jaw clenched tightly because that was not how he remembered the situation at all. Elena's hand grabbed Damon's not quite calming his anger but it distracted him from it.
"I'm not blaming you; I am really not I'm just saying that it might not be such a good idea for you to keep trying. I get its hard for you to let this go, I mean you were stuck on the other side without me and that couldn't be easy. I can tell that you really love me but I have been living my life without you. I am doing fine on my own."
When Elena said those words fine on my own, she had not worked hard to soften them or make them harsher to impact him. She just said them like a fact.
Damon felt his throat tighten and his teeth grind deeper into each other. He released his jaw taking a deep breath, feeling the lump in his throat. Fear, he knew this feeling he and Bonnie had talked about it, when they discussed why he had broken up with Elena in the first place.
At first, he tried to spin it as an excuse to get what he wanted with Bonnie, but she had managed to spin that on its head. She said that the reason he broke up with Elena was because he was afraid of how much he needed Elena and Damon couldn't argue with that. He did feel like he needed Elena desperately, like a man needs a life jacket in an open sea. Like needing oxygen in space. It was a desperate kind of need that put butterflies in his stomach and made him question his sanity.
She can't be okay without me; I won't let her be.
"Yeah well, I am not," Damon spoke his voice heavy with tension and Elena's eyes shot back to his staring intently," I can't live without you."
Elena's eyes lit up her mouth agape, she leaned closer to him as if he had said the magic words," You really mean that?"
"Of course," he moved closer to her, touching the hand cupping her glass of bourbon, "if you don't believe me then let me prove it to you."
"I believe you but… I just don't remember feeling the same… I mean I forgot for a reason…right?"
"Fine," his voice was cold breaking through Elena's confused warbling, "I get it you're afraid of everything you think you remember. But you're afraid of the monster I was, not the man you fell in love with. Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't feel something those memories can't explain."
Elena avoided Damon's gaze for a long time and just as he was about to get up and leave, she grabbed his hand. Damon sat back down taking his other hand to pull Elena's finger in toward his lips. Gently, he kissed her fingers knowing how much she liked it. He hid his self-satisfied smirk behind her knuckles.
She shuttered audibly finally catching his eye. Slowly like two magnets being sucked into each other, they were about to kiss when suddenly a crowd of college students came rushing in loudly.
"I-I can't do this; I get it we had something but you walked away when I tried to remember…"
Damon sighed frustrated by the break in tension and even more frustrated by Elena's bullshit reason for stopping him but he spoke sweetly, "I couldn't risk losing you and if that makes me a monster, for loving you, then I am a monster. I am your monster."
Damon felt his last words tingle on their way out, they sounded good to him and made his desire clear. Elena would be putty in his hands. He was excited to see her reaction to see her breath catch, smell her desire, see her eyes light with a flicker of fire. He was so close to having her back in his arms and he could taste it, but she didn't react the way he expected. Instead, her reaction caused his stomach to flip. Elena's watering brown eyes stared backed at him, her cheeks were ripe from blushing and she swallowed as if she were parched her eyes were locked on his lips with her mouth open wide, "I can't."
Elena got up to leave and Damon knew he should run after her. Elena was giving in, he knew that if he followed her, she'd be kissing him and all he had to do was grab her, but it felt wrong somehow. The world was spinning and he felt the blood rush to his ears and his body was starting to go numb. Damon took a deep breath before finally feeling the familiar tingle of butterflies in his stomach. His body was hyped on adrenaline, Elena was his for the taking, he just had to follow. Unfortunately, by the time he looked up she had already gone.
December 31, 2012 to January 1, 2013
"Why are you avoiding Elena?" Stefan asked holding a football in his hands, the brotherly bat single for 'we need to talk.'
Damon was dripping in sweat from his little-known hobby, boxing. He had a nice little studio set up on the second floor back when he was helping to train Elena and her brother. He kept going with his training, and had on occasion invited some jujitsu artists to teach him a few things. He had always been a good grappler back in college, but his ability to run and take orders half way decently was what landed him on his college football team as a defensive lineman. You could always find him in the right spot to end whoever had the ball.
"Since when do I avoid people they avoid me," Damon wiped his face with a towel before taking the glass of bourbon," Secondly I am not avoiding Elena."
"And that is why you haven't answered her calls and have been avoiding public events for the last seven days."
"I haven't avoided her all her calls just the last three that were clearly about attending this stupid party. And I don't know about you but I've missed my bed and tub a lot, and last time I checked we've been dealing with a psycho and his cult witch family…"
"Coven," Stefan interjected tossing a football into Damon's chest surprising him. Despite the suddenness he managed to cradle it in his left arm.
"Coven whatever… "Damon left the studio and headed to the living room for a drink, "and not to mention we are still down one Mystic Falls resident arguably one of the more valuable ones. You know Bonnie."
Damon threw the ball back to Stefan and poured them both a glass. In sync they finished their drinks at the same time, clinking their glasses before setting them back down.
Damon put his glass down on the table behind the couch. He considered pouring another glass but Stefan tossed the football again and Damon caught it with his left-hand palming one of the ends. He haphazardly tossed in the air and Stefan dove to catch landing on the couch.
"I remember her Damon, so why don't you just get someone to bring her back."
Stefan was laying on the couch tossing the ball up in the air alone and Damon was reminded of when they were kids. A century had passed and they were still doing the same things they had been when they were children.
Time passes but nothing every changes .
Damon stole the ball and jumped to the adjacent couch laying down with Stefan. He decided to throw the ball for real landing it right in Stefan's stomach.
"I tried that remember but it didn't work and that's because we didn't have a witch with enough juice unlike Lucy, which reminds me what the fuck is taking so long."
Stefan attempted to retaliate but Damon anticipated that and caught the ball before it reached his stomach. "I tried calling a week ago when we found out Kai was alive but I haven't gotten an answer."
"Well maybe call her some more or better yet have Elena call her, she's good at that," Damon snickered before tossing the football back.
"So, you are avoiding her," Stefan spoke throwing the football up to himself again biding his time obviously.
"No, I am not," Damon sighed pretending not to care but waited for Stefan to try his best to hit him" I'm just giving her space."
"Space? That she isn't even asking for? "Stefan tossed the ball in Damon's direction but caught it immediately causing Damon to flinch. Damon's plan of pretending not to care was failing.
"You don't believe me so why are you even bothering to ask," Damon crossed his arms and closed his eyes sulking but he was still ready for Stefan's attack.
"I just don't get why you want to give the girl, who just voluntarily made out with you space."
The football came at Damon like a heat seeking missile right at his face but of course he caught it and Stefan could barely hide his mischievous smile.
When Liz started flat lining, Elena's pain, her fear, her worry was so powerfully distracting that Damon couldn't help but latch on to it. So, he followed her and she kissed him but after the kiss he didn't feel like he was made whole. Instead, he just felt sort of sad and empty because kissing Elena, only really seemed to be helping Elena. His best friend was still dying.
"Because she needs it, even if she doesn't realize it, I mean she still doesn't remember anything. Maybe she needs time to process it." Damon threw the ball not caring if it landed short and Stefan was forced to get up off the couch to catch it. He did so effortlessly and gently tossed it back to his brother.
"Right, or maybe you need time to process it."
At this point Damon really was annoyed by Stefan and he was prepared to throw the ball so hard that it would disintegrate into his brother's chest but Stefan was filling both their glasses at that moment. A truce had been called at least for the game of catch. The conversation however was very much still in play and Damon was not happy with how it was going.
"I don't need to process anything, I remember everything, I am not the one who has forgotten and believes I am okay without her."
Damon took the glass from his brother's outstretched hand and resisted the urge to shoot it back. He was stressed and shooting back alcohol was a tell-tale sign that Stefan would be aware of.
"Right because that doesn't sound like unresolved resentment."
"No don't do that, you don't get to read through me like she… did."
"She? As in Bonnie?" Stefan snorts before taking a sip, "Who would have thought it would be Bonnie to get you to open up, about your feelings."
Damon was pissed off and decided to sprawl out on the couch Stefan once had leaving practically no space for Stefan to sit. It was childish but in Damon's mind, Stefan started it.
"So, what I talked to Bonnie, she happens to be a good listener unlike my brother."
"Oh, my dearest brother," Stefan pretended to be shot in the chest preparing to sit down on Damon's out stretched legs until Damon moved them," I totally would be hurt if I didn't already know my green eyes weren't your favorite."
"Stop that Stefan, we aren't doing this again," Damon spat out finally downing the rest of the bourbon before getting up to pour himself another glass.
"Doing what," Stefan feigned innocence," You mean getting you to tell the truth about your little crush on Bonnie. I mean you must be blind not to see that, and even blinder not to see the fact that something happened between the two of you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here avoiding Elena and obsessing over getting Bonnie back."
Damon didn't even down his glass before throwing it at the nearest fireplace. It was too much; he couldn't keep being confronted with whatever Stefan was trying to imply.
A lot had happened between him and Bonnie but she denied him, at every turn. They were friends and he needed to accept that; he was accepting it. Avoiding Elena had nothing to do with Bonnie, Bonnie was his friend that almost became more and Elena was his everything. That was what it was, that was what it had to be. The things that happened in 1994 weren't, they weren't. Important? They didn't matter? He couldn't get himself to think it, but he knew that whatever happened in 1994 was never going to happen again.
"Don't do that to Bonnie, Stefan, she doesn't deserve that," Damon voice was a hushed snarl heavy with the knot in his chest and lump in his throat," Nothing happened between me and Bonnie. Nothing is ever going to happen. She's my friend and yes, I care about her. I don't see that as a bad thing, and honestly, I don't see that as me doing anything different to what I have been doing her entire life. Besides Bonnie would never do that to Elena and you should know that. Regardless of how Elena feels about me now, or how it looks to you, I love Elena and I will get her back. Not because she is in an emotionally vulnerable state but because she really wants me. Because that is what you do for someone you love."
Somewhere during his speech Stefan had gotten up to face his brother. At first glance Stefan's face was expressionless but there was a cold anger behind his eyes, that only someone close to him could see. A subtle shimmer of sea green like a storm raging on the Pacific. The cracking of thunder in the far distance broke the tension.
"Okay Damon, let's pretend you aren't trying to avoid Elena and all your unprocessed resentment by not going to Caroline's party. Let's pretend that you simply are abiding by your responsibilities as her lover to stay away Are you really going to avoid what might be Liz's last new year because of it?"
Damon began hanging out with Liz a lot more after finding out that she had cancer. Despite his previous beliefs that he really didn't care for the Sheriff, he came to realize that she was truly one of his best friends. However, Bonnie was still trapped in '94 and he didn't know if she was dead or alive.
"That's where you are wrong Stef, Liz already said I could avoid it because she hates celebrating New Year's and she knows I have things to do," it wasn't a lie, he told Liz he had plans and well she asked him to take her along. Liz wasn't a partier or a party planner like Caroline, she liked a cozy night in doors or to spend the day in her own bed. Caroline was insisting on the party for the very reason Stefan had just mentioned.
Who gives a fuck about what the dying person wants right Blondie, if you get what you need to feel better everything is A- okay.
"One, I highly doubt you have something else to do," Stefan retorted rolling his eyes," and two Liz asked for the party."
"No Caroline, insisted Liz have a party. Let's face it your girlfriend sucks at consent," Damon winced at consent, and Stefan winced at girlfriend but he didn't correct it. Damon thought that was interesting.
"Fine, Damon doesn't come, and he spends the evening alone maybe processing everything, he claims he doesn't feel while drinking himself stupid. Sounds like a normal holiday to me. If you need me, I'll be at Caroline's."
"Oh Stefan," Damon called feeling the little devil in him burning piping hot," Does Caroline know that you like her and you're still in love with Elena?"
Stefan didn't react but Damon supposed Stefan suspected he would say something like that, that had been brother's for over a hundred years.
"Caroline and I…we really are friends Damon, but I'm not going to pretend we haven't done more."
"And Elena?"
"Caroline knows that Elena will always be one of the greatest loves of my life. I mean I'll always have love for her, but she'll never be the woman I love again. After everything I just can't see her that way anymore."
Damon was stunned, he hadn't expected such an honest answer. As Stefan walked away Damon couldn't help but wonder why Stefan felt that way. What stopped him, was it simply seeing his brother happy like he said, or was there something else?
Damon had showered but he was desperate for a soak in his tub, however midnight was fast approaching and he still had to prepare for the ritual. The Quadrantids Meteor Shower was going to be at its brightest at midnight and he had a plan to call out to Bonnie.
Damon gathered the ingredients from where he left them around the house. He had gotten the idea to do the spell he had used on Lucy, on Bonnie after finding out Kai was out and alive. Honestly, his feelings had been on an intense rollercoaster since then, he just wanted to let Bonnie know he was there for her still.
Damon couldn't imagine being trapped alone in that place and the more he dwelled on it the more he wanted to find and murder the entire Parker clan for creating the hell hole in the first place.
After carefully researching the meaning of each flower and the role they would play in the spell Damon had chosen aster, lavender, and forget-me not. Forget-me-not, was the base or the medium in which the message would be conveyed. Abby had described it as a nagging thought in her notes "an itching reminder not to be forgotten." Lavender was the next ingredient and it was like the sender's address. According to Abby's notes whoever received it would get a sense of the person like a voice, an image or even a sensation. Damon wasn't sure why Abby had chosen lavender but it had worked with Lucy, so he wasn't going to change it. The actual message would be Aster which meant "patience."
Damon had been thinking of what he could use to represent Bonnie, last time he had Lucy's stone imbued with her magic, it was the closest thing to her blood. Bonnie's magic had been put inside Mrs. Cuddles. Bonnie's spiritual DNA was a part of the bear now, therefore he could use it to reach her.
Damon cut a piece of Mrs. Cuddles hair and considered where he would perform the ritual. Last time he had taken advantage of the family crypt and its seeming mystic energy but he wasn't prepared to visit the dead tonight. He considered Abby's instructions to perform the ritual where the user felt most at ease and he decided to throw caution to the wind and run bath water.
Damon liked to be near magic, but performing a spell didn't feel that magical. It felt like work. "Its fine, it's not like you're doing magic yourself, it's just alchemy at this point, and hey it already worked once. So yeah, nothing to worry about."
But you weren't naked last time, Bonnie's voice sounded cautious in his head as he lit the candles around the tub and throughout the bathroom.
"And so, what if I am naked Bon-Bon, it's not like you wouldn't be thrilled at the sight of me."
I really doubt I will be, she sighed but Damon couldn't help but notice the little huff she made. It was strange how real she felt, as if she was there. Damon wasn't afraid of going crazy, he had done it a few times and hearing the voice of his close friend seemed small in comparison.
"Will be?" he retorted seductively more than a little into the moment but the Bonnie in his head never responded. That was how it always was, her coming and going quickly.
Damon put the last candle in place, before picking up the large chalice he placed on a pedestal near the tub. Slipping off his silk robe Damon took a gentle step into the water, waves of pleasure rolled up his legs and his cock grew thicker. Damon loved baths; his tub was his most devoted mistress. Only his devotion to his bed could get close to the love he felt for his tub.
He sighed happily as his lower half sunk underneath the bubbles. The water just high enough that it reached just under his chest, the bubbles covered the rest to his clavicle. Damon leaned his head back to see the abstract image of his reflection flickering upon the polished metal of the bathroom ceiling.
His white skin looked florescent bathed in the natural light of the candles and not for the first time he was terribly attracted to himself. Absentmindedly, he stared into his own eyes, which glowed in his reflection and he wondered how every woman he had ever met could find his face and eyes charming enough to sleep with but Bonnie.
In some ways his ego had been completely obliterated by her in 1994. She had made him feel as if his beauty was inconsequential. His face was just a part of the scenery and God did it hurt him for a bit. However, he found that she was far more interested in his history, his thought process, and his feelings. For Bonnie it was his intellect that brought her walls down, and well he never felt more seen by a anyone in his life after she let him in. Damon knew he had almost ruined things by pursuing her and in hindsight he was grateful she had stopped him.
Once she returned to this world nothing would stop her from leaving him alone and finding someone else to be serious. He knew that would hurt but at least he hadn't ruined the chance to be in her life. He could be happy, better than happy he could be good as long as he had her by his side. He needed Bonnie and he wasn't going to do anything to lose her.
"Alright let's do this," Damon grabbed the chalice full of ingredients and cut open his wrist with his fangs. The blood flowed from his fangs into his wrist in a flood of crimson against white skin, like a scarlet scarf blown about in the snow.
He whispered the incantation that Abby had provided and decided not to change the words, again because they worked on Lucy.
"Invoco vos, Sanguis Sanguinis mei, Hic nuntius meus, Audi me," Damon felt the same weightlessness as last time, he felt his every inch of his body and heard his breathing but he wasn't quiet present. The smell of Bonnie's magic reacting to the spell was the only indication that it worked.
Damon put the chalice down, feeling tired and exhausted as he slid lower into the tub. Damon felt his body growing heaver until suddenly, he slid under the water as if compelled by a force greater than himself. Under the water curled into a little ball, he felt safe and sad.
His sadness was overwhelming and he knew he was only a moment away from just allowing all the breath to leave him and inhaling water into his lungs. Damon opened his eyes and righted himself almost instantly. He had been feeling down lately, but feeling suicidal wasn't an option when he had to focus on saving Bonnie.
Damon got out of the tub suddenly over the idea of soaking and pulled on a towel. Staring at himself in the mirror closest to the tub, he could see his eyes were unusually red. He wondered how long he had held his breath for.
In the reflection of the mirror, he could see something strange hovering over the tub. When he turned around nothing was there but the water was tilting as if someone had just exited or entered the tub.
Damon went closer to investigate but he didn't see anything at first. Then he started pushing away bubbles on the chance that something had entered the tub. A shimmer appeared on the water and Bonnie's outline became visible. Bonnie's eyes were closed tightly and her mouth was open, She had shaking grimace in her face as the bubbles were leaving from her nose rapidly. She started to inhale taking in water.
Panicked Damon reached underneath the water attempting to pull her out. To his surprise he felt her weight on his hands as he pushed her to the surface, exclaiming, "Don't give up on me Bon-Bon. Stay with me, just a little bit longer!"
Just as the image of Bonnie appeared above water coughing and gasping for air, she vanished. Damon sat there for a minute unsure of what just happened. He had been crazy before but this was another level of crazy.
The sound of Mystic Falls being lit up by fireworks broke him from his trance. Damon decided from then on out, he wouldn't be talking to the little Bonnie in his head anymore, it was best not to encourage crazy.
Tuesday, February 6, 2013
It was late midnight when Damon awoke. His left arm was tingling from where Elena's head had been, she was now snuggled comfortably on her side of the bed with most of his covers wrapped around her naked body. Damon stared at the back of her head as his eyes adjusted to the night, he eased his finger tips from under her in hopes of not waking her.
It had been less than five hours since Damon had slept with Elena and he was already feeling the weight of the world return to him. There was only one place he could think of going, when his guilt was eating him whole.
Damon searched around for the old bottle of bourbon he had stashed in Bonnie's room only just remembering that he had used the bottle to break Liv's concentration by throwing it down the houses main channel connecting the fire places upstairs and downstairs and straight into the witch's face.
The broken fire places, chard tiles and broken things were on his list of home repairs and fixes to be addressed this month. A list that, despite his best efforts, seemed to grow each month. Thankfully he had the resources to put up with the constant renovation of the house, but he honestly was getting tired of all the mess.
Damon groaned sitting back on Bonnie's bed avoiding the mirror as best as he could but his eyes still caught a glimpse of his half naked form. The light from the moon was very slight through his window and stained the floor in a shadowy glow. However, the moon was still high enough in the sky to land across his features, giving him sinister shadows on his face. His pale blue eyes glowed in the familiar way, always piercing, always too unnatural.
Damon felt that strange and familiar fear that used to creep upon him when he was a kid looking at his reflection in the dark. Damon stared at himself eyes open wide waiting, for anything to appear. For a shadow, a devil, an apparition, maybe even the vampiric monster inside himself to come forth suddenly without his calling but it never came. He knew it wouldn't it was only a child's nightmare. All he could see in his eyes was the unwavering and carefully disguised look of guilt.
Damon had spent the last three months "diligently" as his brother would say, searching for a way to return Bonnie back to the land of the living. Damon hadn't been diligent though; he had been leisurely. Sure, he had exploded his relationship with Alaric and risked ostracizing himself from Elena by confessing that his intentions for saving Bonnie were not purely for Elena's benefit (a spur of the moment decision that seemed to pay off more than he expected), but he was still taking his time saving the witch.
He knew it wasn't for a lack of trying he had tried, ever since he saw that teddy bear, he made a concerted effort to bring Bonnie back to him, to save her from the other side. Yet with this world came distractions, that included Kai, Tripp and his rag tag vampire killing posse, all the Parker clan shenanigans, Steroline drama and of course Elena.
More recently and perhaps the most damaging of course was Liz. Whose illness was a blow to his system, and a reminder of why it was so much easier not to care about human beings and human life. However, for whatever reason he couldn't abandon her, some part of him loved her and he wasn't sure when he had learned to do it or why he was doing it, but he was still holding on to a shred of hope that she would get better. Even if he knew she wouldn't.
Damon was drowning emotionally, there was so much on his heart and so much was going on that he found that the only time he could process anything was at night in Bonnie's room. When despite his better judgement, he'd let himself talk to her again.
Even though she wasn't there the illusion of her presence was comforting to him. It was the closest he got to having her, short of compelling Donovan to break into her house and still her things so he could have her scent close to him. For obvious reasons that would present a problem, with his actively pursuing Elena and all.
Damon felt the pit of his stomach butterfly then flip on its face like a searing pancake of a griddle. That feeling had been haunting him a lot lately. Weightless searing followed him whenever he thought about his and Elena's relationship. It was equally thrilling and concerning, Damon wasn't sure what that was about, but the feeling afterward, the nauseating twist right before the blood drained from his cheeks, that was guilt. A guilt accompanied by a bronzy cherub face with glowing green eyes, his secret conscience, and his sinful desire.
Damon got up from the bed, deciding to find the only bottle in the room left, a vintage Chardonnay he got for Bonnie on his last rendezvous out of town. He thought about opening it chugging the bottle straight, as an act of revenge, for all the confusing things he was feeling, but he couldn't.
What would Bonnie do?
The thought had been floating around his mind lately taunting him and saving him, with every turn. If it weren't for Bonnie, after finding out Elena had wiped his memory and Alaric was the cause, Damon would have killed Elena and found a way to desiccate Ric until he could kill him. If it weren't for Bonnie, he would have killed Kai eventually, and lost a chance to destroy the no magic border and the opportunity to save Liz from becoming a forever dying vampire. If it weren't for Bonnie, Tripp and all his crew would have been murdered by his hands instead of being off somewhere being a nuisance to some other vampire.
Damon put the bottle down where he had been hiding it under the bed and curled into a little ball. Damon took a few deep breaths trying to prepare himself to indulge in his delusions once more.
"I hope your happy Bon-Bon," Damon thought to himself, "I've become a decent man, and Elena has deemed me worthy of sleeping with again, despite her reverting her memory back to day 1."
Damon waited for an answer but the silence was deafening," Although I shouldn't give you all the credit. It wasn't too hard, already had the playbook and well how could anyone resist me."
Damon chuckled before taking a deep breath and settling his head against the bed back into his thoughts," Except of course you. You're the only girl I know who could make me feel this guilty for doing exactly what she wants. You wanted me to be faithful to Elena so I have been, but that doesn't mean that I have stopped wanting you."
"I know that makes me an awful man. I am fully aware I suck believe me, but I can't look at Elena without thinking of your face. How am I supposed to be faithful when it's you I am missing more than life itself right now?"
"Explain that great Bennett witch and maybe, maybe I won't drink your good Chardonnay."
"Hmm?"
Still nothing. Damon was growing desperate, if there was ever a time when he needed to hear Bonnie's voice it was now. Especially after what almost happened to her. After what she had almost done to herself.
She's fine, she is going to be fine.
Damon waited in the dark feeling his guilt growing heavier and heavier each minute. Finally, he broke down and opened the bottle of Chardonnay and when that wasn't enough, he went down stairs for the rest of the decanter. And when that wasn't enough he opened another bottle before deciding he would rather drink someone else's alcohol and headed to the Grill.
Matt Donovan was not ever going to be one of Damon's friends let alone a person he gave a shit about. However, Matt Donovan was the only person still at the Grill, and Damon was in the mood for alcohol and conversation. So, at that moment Matt Donovan was going to be his new best friend.
"Hello resident washed up quarterback and most resilient human in Mystic Falls," Damon's words were slurring. He hadn't realized he was that drunk. He did have an entire bottle of very good chardonnay and bourbon and well even vampires had their limits.
"What the hell do you want Damon," Matt said puffing out his chest as if he was prepared to protect himself from Damon. Something they both knew he couldn't do even if Damon was drunk out of his mind. Donovan was obviously drunk too.
Damon was about to rush toward Donovan to threaten him but he ended up crashing straight into the bar right next to him, cracking a rib that mended together as quickly as he ran.
He thought of Bonnie and how she had cracked his rib with nothing but a wooden stick and her magic once. She hated him then but he would do anything to see her face again alive, even if it meant having the version of her that hated him back. Damon scrubbed his face with his hands, his emotions were overwhelming him, he didn't know if he could hide his sorrow any longer.
"You alright there Damon?" Donovan asked his voice only slightly concerned mostly disgusted.
"Iayumfeinn," Damon slurred trying to prop himself on the chair," get me some more whiskey, you know what I like."
"How about some water?"
"How about some blood?"
"How about some vervain?"
"Hmm, you win Donovan, I'm bored of this game."
"What are you doing here Damon shouldn't you be at home with Elena.
"I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because."
"Because?"
"Did you know Bonnie thinks of you like a surrogate brother?" Damon decided he wanted to change the subject and get as far away from the complicated topic of Elena but his brain was being stupid at the moment.
Matt scoffed angrily, before taking another long drink. Damon wanted one but he was too tired to and curious to bother getting one.
"What was that?" Damon asked his face propped in his hands.
"What was what?"
"That reaction, when I mentioned what Bonnie said. You were angry just then."
"So, you're here to talk about Bonnie?" Matt looked at Damon as if he could see right through him. It was a dopey, look and Damon really wondered why any girl found the man attractive, he was obviously an idiot. But he decided to play along.
"Depends, if you are going to talk about her."
"Jeremy tells me that she tried to kill herself today."
Damon went silent," she did." He felt a headache coming along to match his raging guilt.
"I've known that girl for years now, and try as she might to pretend, she is so strong, Bonnie is the most vulnerable girl I've ever met.
"No, she's not. She's like… "Damon started unsure of what to say, "she's like an erupting volcano in the ocean. Impossibly strong, even when think its … impossible."
"No, she is casually suicidal, that's what she is," Matt laughed but it was obvious he was dead serious.
"Casually?"
"Yep, and you encourage her to be that way. She's probably got it in her head right now that she's all alone and that no one cares for her. That it be easier to leave us all behind, so she doesn't have to bother us with her suffering when she gets back."
Damon was offended by what Matt was suggesting, his Bonnie was strong. She wasn't weak like him, she had hope when no one else had.
"News flash Donovan she is alone, that kind of place would make anyone crazy. But Bonnie's strong. You weren't there with us, you didn't see how she handled everything. She is a lot better than me.
"You really believe that because she looks okay that means she is okay. She may be strong Damon but she isn't that strong. And you know that, which is why you're drunk off your ass with guilt right now."
"You don't know what you are talking about," the words came out but Damon really wasn't paying attention. Damon was too focused on trying to keep his worry about Bonnie down. Even though Donovan was right he was worried, he was always worried.
"Jeremy told me how you rushed out the room because you couldn't bear to stand around and watch as he went in without you. Now you're here drunker than I've ever seen you all so you can what talk about how strong Bonnie is? You don't want to admit how afraid you are, that Bonnie is not going to make it. You are afraid of losing her and you just can't admit it out loud."
"So, what I'm afraid she might die but I am choosing not doubt her. That's not a crime."
"No, it's not, but acting like everything is fine one minute and then being sloppy drunk in front of someone you don't give a fuck about is telling."
"And what does it tell you Donovan."
"That somewhere along those four long months together you found some way to care for someone else other than Elena."
"Oh, surprise I care about Bonnie, every knows that I've tried to save her in the past. She hated me not the other way around."
"Which makes it worse, because now Bonnie has made you one of her people. She must have; she wouldn't sacrifice herself for someone she only tolerated. And you and I both know you don't deserve that."
"Well sounds to me like you are just jealous." Damon said smugly, trying to mimic that dorky face Matt had made earlier, failing miserably.
"Jealous of what?"
"Well, I have Elena and now I have Bonnie."
"You have Bonnie?" Matt was clearly skeptical. He was perhaps the only one of the groups who seemed to see how absurd that sounded, perhaps beside Caroline maybe.
"Yeah, Bonnie cares about me and it irks you, so you're trying to make me feel like shit."
"I am pretty sure you were doing that well all by yourself you asshole. And what do you mean by have Bonnie did you?"
"Oh ha-ha, wouldn't you like to know?" Damon looked smug believing he had gotten under Matt's skin but Matt didn't react.
"No, no nothing happened. Bonnie would never betray her friends like that no matter how much she wanted to."
Damon started to sober up," Sounds like you know from experience."
Matt studied him for a moment before smiling to himself," It just keeps getting worse for you doesn't it."
Just then a quiet fury rose up within burning through the alcohol and his mellow energy, "I'm starting to sober up here Donovan so I suggest you explain."
"Bonnie has been my friend forever Damon, and I've had a crush on her since the first grade. It wasn't until three weeks after Elena and I broke up that I found out she had a crush on me too but she hid it, because of Elena. And when I drunkenly mentioned one night us getting together, she said, we can't do that what would Elena think. What about our friendship? Like the thought of us being happy together never even crossed her mind."
Damon gulped down the bile threatening to escape but he couldn't stop himself from hurling. Thankfully, the trashcan Matt was using to clean up was close by. His stomach burned not just from far too much alcohol, it was frustration and hopelessness?
"Being Bonnie's friend isn't easy Damon, she is stubborn, head strong and sometimes incredibly self-righteous. But if you are her friend, truly her friend then there is no one more loyal, selfless, and courageous. She is the kind of girl who would die to make you happy, and therefore the kind of girl you must work too damn hard to protect."
"Bonnie doesn't need protecting Matt. Take it from an old person your way of thinking is old," he sighed deciding to clean up his mess and grab himself some water to rinse out his mouth.
"You keeping thinking that she can handle everything on her own and you are going to end up losing her."
"God, it's just circles with you. Why am I even talking to you?"
"Because you need someone to make you feel better about feeling so shitty for worrying about someone who doesn't want you to worry about her."
Matt tried to get out of the chair but he was stumbling, and Damon caught him. Damon didn't know why he was helping Donovan, but he was worried about getting him home in one piece.
"You aren't driving, are you?"
"I don't need you worrying about me Damon."
"Ha, I'm not worrying because I care," he blustered," I worried because Bonnie would be pissed if I let the one of her surrogate family members die in a car accident."
"You seriously going to walk me home? Fine, it's not like I'm going to remember this in the morning. Nor will I believe you, so don't ask me to return the favor."
"Wouldn't dream of it, Donovan."
Damon ran through the town avoiding major streets until he got to the corner of the street Matt and Bonnie grew up on. From there it was only a short walk with Donovan passed out on his back at that point. Damon hurriedly dropped him off and took a long stroll down Bonnie's street, before resting on the bench in front of Wayland Park roughly, 100 feet from Bonnie's front door.
Bonnie's home was only a few blocks away from Elena's. On occasion when he left Elena's house he come by and sit on the bench and hidden in the shadows he would listen to her breathe. He never understood why he would do it, he just did it.
Damon focused on the front porch of Bonnie's house bathed in the un-natural light of the street lamp in front of her house. Damon walked toward her front door, possessed by fear and a need to disprove it. Damon took out a set of keys like the ones he had given Bonnie for her birthday last year. A matching rose key-chain adorned them.
Damon felt his stomach tingle with a deep and unsettling weight as he put the key into the lock. The lock clicked and he pushed the door slightly until he couldn't anymore, stopped by an invisible force field. Damon breathed a sigh of relief. She was still alive.