A/N – oops! Sorry if you got a notification for a new chapter and then there was nothing there, I made a mistake and had to delete.
so I'm a fucking liar, ok? couldn't stop thinking of Harry's perspective while writing the other chapters. So here it is! A little Harry POV. Only the epilogue to go (for real this time), which will be up in a bit. Like literally in a few minutes.
Simple plan for complicated friends
I promise that I will be fine in the end
But I think it would destroy you
Destroy you – flatsound
As Harry stands in the back of the crowded Ministry ballroom he feels like a stalker, lurking and wanting, but forbidden from reaching. Instead, he decides to commit the sight of her in dark blue to his memory.
Sometimes he lies to himself and thinks they could go back to how it was. The simple friendship, the stolen stares, the shared private jokes. An easy thing. But he's fooling himself and deep down knows it will never be easy.
Yes, he has almost gotten over the pain of thinking of Ginny marrying some faceless stranger, but as the days pass and he pulls further away from her, he sees that as a reality, a very possible future.
In his mind, he walks up to her in the center of the room and holds her hand and drags her to dance, despite his terrible record as a dancer. But it does not matter.
In his mind, they dance and they talk and there's no need for apologies and i-missed-yous.
But his future has never been up to him, and by almost eighteen years old, he knows what to expect.
The scar half-hidden by her hair is a reminder of why he must keep his distance. He knows Ginny will be upset to find out he read all the reports. And when he read about what she went through, it made him physically sick.
So he pushes away from her like he has been all summer and decides to focus on remembering the curve of her neck and the red of her hair.
Then, his feet betray him and before he can stop himself, he's walking towards her and then he's placing a hand on her shoulder and she's turning around.
He does not want to be there, but maybe being next to her will keep him from running.
Once they are dancing and he can feel himself wanting to faint, he realizes this is the closest they've been to each other since his birthday last year. A birthday he thinks about constantly. He wonders if Ginny also thinks about it.
Her head is on his chest and he smells flowers and possibility. Harry only has himself to blame, because on some level, he has to recognize this is what he was looking for tonight. He feels nauseous.
In his mind, he tells her he loves her and wants her back if she'll have him.
In reality, he just tells her he's leaving for training. In reality, she tells him exactly what he thinks about himself. That he doesn't have to leave and find the remaining Death Eaters, he just needs to do something to feel useful and less guilty. And she's right. He can't live in a world where there's always the possibility of someone, something, taking more from him and those he loves.
He can't be there anymore. If he stays, he'll never leave her again. If he stays, she'll never be safe.
Of course, she follows him. Ginny Weasley doesn't back away from a fight. She accuses him of ignoring them (he has) and of being a coward (he is).
Harry is not proud of their fight. He's not proud of asking her, "Do you ever think that maybe it's just not meant to be?" because Merlin that's all he fucking wishes. And when he tells her that maybe they should both move on, the faceless stranger is back in his mind.
Harry Potter is a coward and he wants her to leave. He wants her to take initiative in severing what's left between them.
Instead, she kisses his cheek and tells him that not everything has to be a disaster, but how can she know that?
He's still standing in the corridor when Ron finds him.
"Did Ginny leave?"
"Uh, yeah," he feels disoriented, "Headache. She flooed back to the Burrow."
"Alright," Ron hesitates, "listen you and my sister-"
"There's nothing there. You don't have to worry about me leading her on again."
"That's not what I was going to say."
"Oh."
Ron sighs and Harry thinks he's going to get another talk like on his birthday, instead he gets something much worse.
"You're in love with her."
Ronald Weasley has never been known for his tact.
"I'm not…"
"Yes, you are. And it's painful for the rest of us to see how much you want to be together, but you keep pushing her away and pretending she doesn't live in the same house as you. It's fucked to see you act like she's not standing in the same room. It hurts her, it hurts you. And I get it, things ended and you left, but it's over now."
"It's more complicated than that," he wishes Ron had told him to stay away, it would be easier.
"No, it's not."
"Your sister…" Harry starts. "She deserves better than someone who will constantly put her in danger or be absent. She has a future."
Ron looks at him defeated, knowing there is nothing he could say to change Harry's mind.
"So do you, mate."
With that Ron leaves and Harry follows him back into the ball.
Hours later, he startles when Ginny enters the room he shares with Ron at the Burrow. It's not lost to him how many times he allowed himself to think of this exact scenario. Of what it could be.
Ginny is in his room and the house is sleeping and the silence between them is so heavy he can barely breathe.
When she suggests he could've gone to her room every time Ron and Hermione kicked him out, he has to stop himself from telling her he thought about it every time, so he settles for saying it didn't feel right. He's not lying.
"I'm sorry," he starts. "For the way things ended and for the things I said tonight. And for not being who you wanted me to be."
When she tells him she always knew it (they) would end before they even started, he knows this is how Ginny Weasley finally moves on and now he has nothing to lose.
Harry knows this is his chance to tell her everything. About Voldemort and the prophecy and the forest. This might be the only chance before he leaves for training and they don't see each other for six months. So, he does.
The conversation that follows is difficult, but necessary.
It's useless and fucked up and selfish, but he again finds himself thinking, wishing Ginny would ask him to stay. But she would never do that.
He'll go to training and become an Auror. Probably become an Alastor Moody level workaholic. He doesn't see himself finding love or even companionship. He doesn't see himself having children. He knows he'll be an uncle figure to Ron and Hermione's children, and even to some of the other future Weasley children. He knows he'll always have friends. He hopes at least he one day will find a real home.
Ginny is a different case. She'll go back to Hogwarts and graduate, she'll find a job she loves. Eventually she will find love, the real easy kind, she'll marry and have children. Or she won't. But it will be in her own terms. She will make her own future and her own home, untethered from him. He foolishly hoped once they would do that together.
"All I want for you is to be happy and free, Harry. And I want us to be friends," she tells him and he feels like his eyes are burning.
"We'll be friends."
And then they are kissing and it's not the joyful kiss of his 6th year or even the urgent of his last birthday. It's a kiss full of tension and guilt. So, he apologizes, and she muffles his apology with a harder kiss.
She's on his lap and it's all he dreamt of in the past year. Then his hand graces her scar and he feels like the remorse is corroding him.
They separate and he goes back to his own bed.
He's still awake when Ron comes back into the room right before dawn.
Harry thinks about how different his last few Christmases have been as he packs his rucksack at the end of his work shift. Technically, he didn't have to work today, but he volunteered once he realized everyone else had families to go to. Specially Ron.
It's late and he's heading for the Burrow instead of the flat he's been sharing with Ron. They tried to make Grimmauld Place livable, but eventually gave up and found a flat near the Ministry.
He opts to floo in, but if he had known that he would encounter Ginny as soon as he got to the Burrow, maybe he would've chosen to apparate.
She looks lovely and flushed and half-asleep and Merlin, he has missed her so much.
When she leads him outside with only a warming charm and a bottle of firewhiskey to keep them from getting frostbite, he realizes he would probably let her lead him to the North Pole in just his trunks.
They're semi-drunk and the stars are bright and her hand is holding his and Harry doesn't feel like running away.
He sobers up when they head inside and run into her father.
The next morning, he's awoken by Mr. Weasley asking him to go to the village to buy muggle wine with him.
As Harry dresses, he wonders if Mr. Weasley will give him a speech about staying away from his daughter. He doesn't seem like the type, but maybe it would make his life easier if he was obligated to stay away from Ginny.
The walk down to the village is snowy and cold, but they talk about work and Christmas presents. They purchase enough wine for the entire family and Mr. Weasley only seems amazed by the till.
They're walking back and Harry feels confident Mr. Weasley will not bring up last night and then he does.
He walks a little slower. "Harry…last night."
Harry stops in his tracks.
"I know we don't know what exactly happened between you and Ginny before and I will not ask you, but I trust you two. You're both so young, but you've already lived so much. No matter what happens, Harry, you have a home at the Burrow and a family too."
He's never had a home or a family.
"I…thank you."
"I hope you let yourself be happy, Harry."
The rest of the walk is completed in silence.
They reach the warm kitchen of the Burrow and he's engulfed in Mrs. Weasley's hug and the familiar smells of the house. The feeling of sitting around the table chopping vegetables and ingredients for lunch feels so familiar, he wishes he could extract his emotions along with his memory and keep them forever.
He's surprised when Mrs. Weasley dismisses them and Ginny pulls him into her room. Surprised, but not upset. At this point, he'll take whatever he can get without breaking his own promise to stay away.
He tries to sound teasing when he asks her if she only invited him in to interrogate him about her dad, but knows his disappointment is palpable.
Ginny falls asleep after their chat and Harry is content to just hear her soft snores and sit on the floor with his head leaning on her knee. He tries not to fixate on the soft whimpers she lets out when she turns in bed.
He asks if he can visit her when she wakes up and when she agrees, he thinks that this could bethe start of their real friendship. And maybe that's not such a bad thing.
It's early January when Arthur Weasley makes the suggestion of seeing a mind healer. Sharing all his thoughts with a stranger feels intrusive and reminds him too much of Voldemort occupying his mind. They are sitting at a café near the Ministry. Ron stayed behind to finish an assignment.
"Harry," Mr. Weasley starts. "You carry so much with you…maybe it's time you unpack some of it."
He promises to consider it, but the next day he goes to see the healer at the Aurors' office and asks for a recommendation.
Healer Khan's office is simple and comfortable. A pensive in one of the corner and a stuffed chair in front of a matching brown leather sofa. He's a man in his mid-50's, with dark brown skin and salt and pepper hair. He's wearing dark green robes over a muggle charcoal suit.
"So Harry," he starts. "I read your assessment and now that I know more about you, let me know if you have any questions for me before we start."
He ponders on this.
"Why muggle London?"
"Pardon?"
"Why do you keep your office in muggle London?" Harry knows this is such a minute detail to fixate on, but one of his concerns when he saw a list of mind healers was a reporter like Rita Skeeter seeing him leaving the office and writing about how barmy he must be.
"Oh," Healer Khan considers the question. "You are not the only high-profile client I see. This gives you all more privacy. Also, this is closer to my own home. I like walking to work."
Harry accepts the answer.
"The things I tell you…" he prompts.
"Strictly confidential unless you reveal you plan to hurt yourself or others. And when it comes to work things, I understand you will not be able to tell me everything, but that's hardly an issue. I have worked with Aurors before."
When Healer Khan asks him how he decided to start going to see him, he starts talking about Mr. Weasley, which immediately morphs into speaking about Ginny.
"And Ginny is?"
"She's…" he drifts because he cannot answer. He cannot allow himself to say a friend because she is so much more. His ex-girlfriend? His best mate's sister? One of his best friends? Right now, Harry is ready to walk to Romania if he has to and face a dragon if It means he won't have to answer.
"Alright," Healer Khan says. "If that's difficult to answer, then what do you wish she was to you?"
Everything.
"I guess back in my life would be a good start."
"Harry," Healer Khan says. "Why don't we start at the beginning?" and Harry can't stop talking.
By the end of the session, he's exhausted. He's reminded of his Legilimency sessions with Snape, but this is a different type of draining.
"Are you going to visit Ginny again?"
"I don't know," he answers truthfully. "I don't think so."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
Healer Khan looks at him pointedly and Harry huffs.
"I think I don't trust myself to see her again and keep everything platonic, but at the same time I don't want to go back to the silence of before."
"Then it sounds like you need to find an alternative form of communication."
"I could write her. We've talked about it."
"Alright," healer Khan says closing his notebook. "How about we set a goal, write her once a week. See how it goes, see how you communicate. Does that sound feasible?"
Harry wonders for a minute and his brain automatically jumps to excuses regarding Auror duty and classes.
"Yes, I think I could do that."
"Then let's give it a try," Healer Khan closes his notebook. "I would like to see you twice a week to start. Of course, you set the pace and if you think that's too much, we can discuss it."
He agrees and sets an appointment for the following Thursday.
That night, he apparates to the flat he shares with Ron and is welcomed by the smell of stew and the sound of quidditch in the wireless.
He has dinner with Ron and half-listens to the game but keeps going back to the session.
Harry starts cataloguing everything he needs to do. Shower, check he has clean robes for the next day, write Ginny a letter.
Instead, he chooses to shower and fall asleep reading a report on top of his blanket.
He wakes up an hour earlier than he needs to and writes Ginny the first of many breakfast time letters. Healer Khan helped him set the goal of writing once a week, but it soon turns into a daily occurrence.
That's how their friendship progresses. And if he thinks about her daily and when he's asked out by one of the secretaries at his office, just says he can't, then that is no one's business.
It's in March during one of their sessions that Healer Khan asks him if he thinks he deserves happiness. He's been talking about Ron's birthday and how the Weasleys threw him a birthday dinner at the Burrow to celebrate. He says they deserve happiness and moments to celebrate.
"I…you know? You're not the first person to ask me something like that, so I'm guessing everyone already made up their minds about it."
"Harry, can I be very frank with you?
Harry gestures for him to continue.
"I think you don't believe yourself deserving of happiness or good things. And I think I understand how, or I'm at least beginning to understand why. But I want you to know you do, not because you're the Boy Who Lived, or you killed You-Know-Who, but because you're inherently a good and caring person. And the people around you see that and want you to be happy."
They're in the middle of the woods for a training mission when he sits by one of the trees and starts drafting his letter to Ginny in early April.
"Hey, Potter," says Gibson, one of his fellow recruits. "Stop writing love letters to your girlfriend and come help us."
"It's no… I'm not…" he thinks he's blushing and he's going to scream.
He joins Ron and with their wands they set up the tents.
"So…you and Ginny?"
"No."
"You're always writing each other, Hermione told me. And I live with you, remember? You're making my poor owl work so much."
"That doesn't mean anything. We're just friends. And I'll get a new owl."
Ron just shrugs and says, "Sure."
They finish setting up and go join the rest of the recruits. "I'm going to see Hermione on Saturday," Ron says as they walk. "Hogsmeade weekend. If you're interested in coming."
"I have a guard shift."
Ron whistles loudly and yells "Oy, Gibson, can you cover for Harry on Saturday?"
"Only if it's for a date," Gibson replies. "Merlin knows he needs it. We all heard you turned down Daisy, so it better be good."
The rest of his classmates start roaring and whistling.
"I'll cover," Gibson replies. "But you will owe us details!"
"Hey, that's my sister!" Ron tells them and Harry wishes, not for the first time in his life or that morning, that a thestral would fly by and grab him and maybe drop him somewhere far away in the mountains.
"Anything for the lovely Ginevra!"
The next day at his appointment with Healer Khan, Harry tells him about his Saturday plans. Healer khan looks impressed he made the decision to see Ginny.
"What do you want Saturday to be like?"
Harry takes a minute to answer and to feel comfortable being honest with himself.
"I want us to be together again." This is the first time he has allowed himself to say it at aloud and he's surprised he doesn't feel scared by his own statement. "And I want to be honest. And also I suppose I should be ready for her to tell me to piss off."
Saturday arrives faster than he was expecting, and he spends 10 extra minutes trying to tame his hair.
His brain is telling him he has time to bail. He can definitely come up with a fake Auror emergency to get out of this. But Harry doesn't feel like running anymore.
Seeing Ginny again is, for lack of better words, like breathing again.
She's wearing a green jumper and her hair is long and shiny and Harry wonders if he could just tell her he loves her before she sits down, but chooses to wait until they're alone.
Conversation between the four is easy, but when Ginny stands up to use the loo, Hermione asks him about Healer Khan and what he's going to do about Ginny.
"It's been good," he answers. "He recently said he doesn't think I think I deserve happiness, but you know, working on things. And I don't know about Ginny."
Ron and Hermione look at each other conspiratorially.
"What?" Harry asks.
Ron takes a deep breathe. "He's right. Also, I thought you were going to speak to her."
"And where did you get that idea?"
"I don't know," Hermione answers from Ron. "Maybe from the fact that we've seen you dancing around each other for the past year or that you've been talking nonstop all term. Or I don't know, the fact that you broke up with her because of your sense of duty and everyone hoped you would get back together because we all see how good you are for each other."
"Harry," Ron starts. "You need to get your head out of your head out of your arse. Mate, I love you like a brother, but you can be a miserable bastard and also you need to realize people will continue to love you regardless of what you think should be getting"
When Ginny comes back from the loo, Ron and Hermione, ever so subtle, leave them to fend for themselves.
Harry suggests a walk and loses track of their conversation thinking of how to breach the topic of their reunion.
Perhaps starting with "I'm seeing someone" wasn't the best decision.
In a few months, he'll think about this Saturday and it will feel impossible. In a few years, he will wonder how he ever doubted, or denied himself, the possibility of them being together.
He tells her about Healer Khan and his thinking in the past few months.
"I…I think I'm in love with you," he tells her.
"You think you're in love with me?"
"No, I know I'm in love with you," and he hasn't been so sure of something in years. Or ever.
She holds his hand as they walk to the apparition point and Harry feels certain this is the real beginning.
Ginny will graduate soon and so will he. They'll get to start their lives together and learn how to be together again. When in a few months he spends most nights at her tiny flat in Holyhead and he wakes up to her red hair on his face and his arms engulfing her body, it'll feel like home. It won't feel like someone else's life, but his own.