Between the Thorns
Chapter 28
The first night she spent alone wasn't so bad. Jean felt a little unsettled. She didn't know Daryl was leaving until after he was gone. And she didn't even get a chance to tell him goodbye. But Jean told herself it was better that way. Drawing out some sort of dramatic farewell wouldn't have made her feel better. She tucked her girls into bed and read them a story. Then she pulled on one of her husband's old well worn flannel shirts and fell asleep with it wrapped around her body like a cocoon.
It was the third night when her emotions finally hit her. Jean snuggled down under the blankets and tried to conjure up images of her late husband. But all she could think about was Daryl. The way his hair shagged down into his eyes. Way he chewed on the side of his thumb when he was thinking really hard about something. And the way her legs felt wrapped around him when he pushed his hard length inside her. Just the thought of it was enough to start a low deep throbbing need between her legs. She slid her hand down over her stomach, sliding it under the waistband of her shorts. Jean rubbed her finger back and forth across her clit, letting the images of Daryl fill her mind until she found her release. When the last wave of her orgasm crested, she buried her face in his pillow and started to cry. She missed Daryl more than she wanted to admit. And wanting another man in that way still felt wrong. She felt like she was cheating. Like she was betraying John.
Jean learned long ago that trying to stop herself from crying was useless. She just let the tears flow, knowing and longing for the total exhaustion that would finally come when she cried herself out and was able to sleep. With the river of self loathing, memories of John finally came. His smile and the way he looked at her like she was the only woman in the world from the moment they met. Jean had to drive herself home from the hospital after she gave birth to Rose. Her father stormed out and took her mother with him when Jean refused to sign the papers to put her newborn baby up for adoption. On the way home, Jean hit a pothole and blew out the tire in her old beat up car. John was working on a road construction crew across the street. Not only did he change her tire. He helped her into the backseat of her own car and drove her all the way home. A few days later John showed back up at her house with flowers for her and a tiny pink plush bear for the baby. Jean's father ran him off. Again and again. But he kept coming back. They got married shortly after Rose turned one.
The next day, Jean felt like she was sleepwalking through her routine. Since Rose was still terrified of the kitchen, Jean got the girls breakfast and let them stay in the apartment while she went to work. She tried snapping herself out of her daze with a strong cup of coffee. But all that did was make her jittery. She took care of the people that she had penciled in for appointments as quickly as she could. Then she picked her daughters up and took them outside to one of the courtyard areas that was a little further away from the sea of undead sentries that guarded the place. The girls colored on the pavement with large chubby sticks of chalk. When that got boring, they drew a hopscotch grid and took turns skipping across it. Jean kept an eye on them while she sat in a beat up old lawn chair, sunning herself.
Without Daryl around to coax the girl, Rose refused to enter the cafeteria. And Jean was too emotionally exhausted to argue. So she picked up dinner for them and they ate in the apartment.
"What happened to Carl?," Rose asked, forking a scoop of potatoes into her mouth. "Where did Negan take him?"
"Uh…" Jean said, trying to focus on her daughter's question. Her mind was wandering again. "Negan said he was taking him home to his dad."
"Will we ever see him again?," Rose asked. She sounded so hopeful, Jean didn't want to tell her the truth. Or what she suspected was the truth. If Negan didn't kill that boy, he probably made him wish he was dead.
"I don't know honey," Jean said, "...I hope so. You liked him?" Rose nodded.
"I liked him," Lily said. Her voice was softer and sadder than her sister's. Like she knew the truth that her older sister didn't even suspect. "He was nice."
"He was nice," Jean admitted. The new world had hardened Carl more than it hardened her girls. But he was still a sweet boy deep down. Jean could tell. She hoped nothing bad happened to him. "We could say a prayer for him at bedtime, if you want…," Jean suggested. She didn't pray regularly. And hadn't in years. John wasn't a religious man, so being married to him made it easy to fall out of the habit. But she thought it might help sooth the girls' worries for their new friend if they said a small prayer for him. Rose seemed happy with that idea. She helped her mother clean up their dinner dishes. Then Jean lay back on the sofa and tried to focus on her book while the girls played a game of cards.
They all knelt down together near Rose's bed and said a prayer. Jean let her girls take the lead, their simple hopes and wishes making her feel nostalgic for a life where they wouldn't have such gruesome worries. Rose and Lily climbed into their beds and Jean pulled out the book they were currently reading together out of the small nightstand. Just when Anne of Green Gables was being teased by a classmate about her red hair, Jean heard the door to her apartment rattle. Her body tensed as she set the book down and headed for the door, telling the girls to stay where they were. Jean locked the door from the inside, using a slide lock. But whoever was pushing on it had a key. Because the doorknob was turning. The door rattled again. And then there was a gentle knock.
"Lemme in, I can't get the door open."
Jean knew the voice. But she didn't really let herself believe that it was who she thought until she swung the door open and actually saw Daryl standing in the doorway. Her mouth fell open as she took a step back, giving him room to step inside the apartment. By this time, Rose and Lily were out of bed and peeking around the doorframe to see who was there. Daryl barely got the door shut before the girls collided with him. He reacted like he always did to their physical affection. Like he enjoyed the hugging but wasn't sure how to react to it.
"Okay girls," Jean said, once she recovered somewhat from her total shock, "...back to bed."
"Will you tuck me in?," Lily asked, tugging on Daryl's arm. He nodded and followed the girls into the bedroom. Rose was satisfied with a hug. But Lily had to be tucked in twice. And she demanded a goodnight kiss. Jean tried to bite back a grin when Daryl shuffled awkwardly before leaning down and kissing Lily roughly on the forehead. Jean clicked the light off, grateful that the excitement of Daryl's sudden appearance was enough to make the girls forget that they were in the middle of a chapter when he showed up.
"What're ya lookin' at me like that fer," Daryl asked, the corners of his mouth turning up into a whisper of a smile. Jean snapped her mouth shut and looked down, tugging at the hem of her shirt to straighten it out. Her dark eyes flicked up, meeting his.
"I didn't think you were coming back," she admitted. She was actually so shocked to see Daryl again that she wasn't even sure how to react.
"I can go if ya don't want me here," he offered. It wasn't like he thought she was going to jump his bones the moment he arrived. But he sort of expected some sort of greeting. Jean was just staring at him.
"No!," she gushed, quickly closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around his waist. She rested her head on his chest, enjoying the feeling of his strong arms wrapping around her. "I want you here. I just thought you'd go back to your people. I didn't think I'd ever see you again." Her grip on his tightened when she said the last part, her hands fisting into the back of his shirt.
"Yer my people now," Daryl whispered, running his hands over her long dark hair. Truthfully, he was tempted to stay at the outpost just a little longer. He missed Carol and was hoping he might get a chance to sneak out and try to find her. But when Gavin offered Daryl the choice between bringing the drop back to the Sanctuary or staying at the outpost another week, he didn't hesitate to return. But there was no way he could just light off and leave completely. He wasn't going anywhere without Jean and the girls.