Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Thirty-Three
When I pulled up out the front of the house she woke up enough to walk herself in, and then she surprisingly asked if she could shower while I reheated the food- she emphasised the reheat. I told her of course she could shower while I cooked- I emphasised the cooked the food.
When she came out wearing a long cotton grey dress that almost skimmed the ground, with no makeup, and her hair brushed out- no longer tied up, I bit down on my lip. She looked relaxed, natural, at home. It had been over sixteen months since I had seen her like that here. When she came back from France the last time she had felt the change, it had altered her subconsciously it changed how comfortable she was in this place. As I looked back at the toasted sandwiches cooking I couldn't help but think this is how her first trip from France should have ended up, her coming home wanting comfort from me after us missing each other for weeks. Us hiding here cooking, speaking French, reconnecting- my guilt made all of that impossible.
She grabbed two waters and as if it was the most normal thing, moved around me setting the table. Knowing that I'd eat with her she even grabbed the chilli out of the cupboard, she knew I'd taste the soup and think it would need a bit of a bite. When her hand stretched out in front of me over the stove and put more pepper and salt in the simmering soup I finally spoke.
"You know I did that already."
"Yeah, I know you think you did but you never put enough in there."
"Woman you know I think it's you who has given me this complex about cooking, this untrue belief that I can't cook."
"No Dyl, that was your tastebud's."
It's a wordless dance, the silent serving up of the food. Bren's instant moving of the empty pot to soak in the sink while I carry our soups to the table. Her following with the plates of toasted cheese sandwiches.
It's quiet throughout the first bites until she spots the paper's on the cabinet.
"Did you buy every newspaper?"
"Yes. The show got rave reviews and your scene with your older brother Charlie was praised in most as a standout gut wrenching moment."
She sips her water, "let's hope they keep liking it. I'd like to see where the story goes, how the characters find their new normal after such loss. See them learn to live again, find joy without guilt or fear."
I didn't respond. It didn't feel like Bren was just speaking about the show, but I could have been reading more into it. Travelling for almost a day was exhausting, doing it twice in four day's was crazy. She didn't need me pushing her for clarity when she was sleep deprived. Comfort first.
On her third yawn and her last bite I put my napkin over my own empty plate. "You could skip tomorrow, sleep instead?"
"No. I skipped out early on Wednesday and missed Friday altogether I'd like to go tomorrow. You might just need to poke me awake if I start to nod off."
"I can do that. You want to stay here tonight? You can take my room and I can sleep on the sofa."
Her fingers glide over the rim of her empty water glass, "Brandon will worry if he wakes and I'm not home, and it's too late to call him now."
It wasn't a no because of inappropriateness, or because it would upset Josh, it wasn't a no because of some silly belief that you don't sleep at your ex's house. It was a no because it was too late to ring B. That was a surprise after her nervousness of last week, it was a surprise after her travelling across a continent and an ocean to explain it to her boyfriend. What the hell went down in France?
The next morning I arrived in class with the largest of coffees for the both of us and with hot cinnamon rolls. She was there waiting and reached for the coffee immediately. "There's going to have to be a lot of poking." I push down on my lips to keep the laugh in, though she sees my shoulders shake and shake's her head. "Mr McKay you are the most sophisticated almost nineteen year old I know- a lover of poetry, literature, old movies, classical music, philosophy, but then you do that- laugh at a line like that. It's then that you become just like Steve."
"Well no one's perfect." I slide her a hot cinnamon roll on a serviette in front of her, the look of gratitude is all over her face- I just made her day. "Almost though… oh and I'll happy poke you all day and night if you need it." She bites down on her lip. I purposefully did not say it as innocently as she had. I wait for a response, maybe a look of guilt that I was crossing a line. Nothing came.
Tuesday she's a little more awake when I arrive in class with our coffees. I whisper as I reach over her shoulder to set hers down on the table in front of her, that I guess my poking skills aren't needed today but if they are wanted I'll happily poke away. Today there is no lip biting just a giggle.
Wednesday I'm still unsure what's going on. She hasn't mentioned her trip, Josh, hasn't taken the bait when I've brought it up, has even blatantly dismissed my questions when I've asked. I know something is off.
"Jones, you got a sec?" He's walking out of the Concorde café when I catch him.
"Hey D, yeah sure. What's up?"
"What's going on with your sister?"
He scrunches his brow in confusion. "More than her usual little sister antics nothing that I know of, why?"
"She's, she's not saying anything about France."
He gets his understanding look, the slightly condescending one like he's about to explain something that should be obvious. "D, I can't imagine she'd want to tell you her ex about a romantic weekend away with her current boyfriend."
It takes sheer will power not to roll my eyes, they aren't the details I'd expect to hear but after everything last week I'd expected to hear something. "Has she spoken to you about it?"
"Nor do I think she'd want to tell her brother. I don't need to know how they spent their thirty-six hours together. Ignorance is bliss."
"Did she tell you anything? Was he okay about the pictures? Did he make her feel guilty about it?" He finally looks to get it, picking up on my frustration and worry.
"Look D, all I know is he was fine about them, really happy to see her, and that he placed in that round. That's all I know. What do you want to know about it? I assume it wouldn't be easy for you to hear."
"I don't know, I just… she feels off. Something feels off."
"Like somethings wrong? Like she's upset?" He at least understands my radar for his sister is still operational and by his tone he's no longer being dismissive of it.
"No. Nothing like that, I don't know I just… something has changed and I can't figure it out and your sister is being quiet." My hand runs through my hair, "have I told you how much I hate being kept in the dark with her?"
"You know Bren, sometimes she needs to take time to process something first, and honestly last week there was a lot to process. Maybe the week, the trip, the potential changes ahead are just all beginning to sink it."
"Yeah, I guess man. Look I better go, I got my weekly doctors appointment this afternoon."
"How's that going?"
"Good, she'd move me to fortnightly except for one thing…" he gives me the Boy Scout look the one that says you can open up to me, his trust me look. "Except for your sister." He's so taken aback he pulls his head back slightly. "My 'attachment' to her, her word. She feels that I'm not acknowledging the change in our relationship, that I'm holding on to a fantasy… my Doctor is great she just doesn't understand your sister and I."
"Dylan." Great he's naming me, this means he's being serious. "You haven't dated since Kelly, you even told me you weren't with anyone over the summer."
"Your point Jones?"
"My point is your Doctor may have a point."
"B, I expected you to understand-"
"I do, better than I think anyone else could, but D you turn nineteen tomorrow you should be out having fun and dating- it doesn't have to be anything serious but-"
"Jones, I'm not interested. I've been there done that all before you moved here, I have no desire to go back to seeing meaningless women. I'm cool with my life as is."
His eyebrow lifts and it's clear he like my Doctor thinks this stance is not the best idea, waiting for a girl who may not come back.
My Doctor tries to discuss the party- she'd seen the photos, she wanted to unpack that night. She was immensely interested in Bren's boundary talk in the limo and my bargaining response- her word's again, not mine. We went through everything from the party, Samantha's house, me turning up at the airport, Bren's distance. I tried to correct her wording on the last one, Bren wasn't distance.
"Dylan she's not discussing France with you, she's keeping her relationship with Josh away from you- not allowing you an opportunity to offer your opinion, question her on her decisions. From what I see that's a pretty obvious boundary she's placing around her and her relationship with Josh. It seems like she is protecting it."
"You think she's distancing me from that, keeping me out of that part of her life?"
"From what you told me since you've come back, Brenda has always kept you away from that part of her life. It sounds like out of respect for both you and Josh. Last week it's the closest you got to that part of her life now, and it made her feel guilty you said. I imagine she's putting up that boundary even more now in response."
It's the thought that goes through my head all afternoon, it's the thought that I'm stuck ruminating on for hour's- this is the part my doctor thinks is unhealthy.
When Iris comes in from her sunset walk on the beach with Bren she picks up on my mood instantly.
"Darling, it's your birthday tomorrow. Let whatever is going on in there go and just enjoy your last day of a year of growth. Think about how far you've come, where you were this time last year, and then look at the authenticity you are living your life in. You've battled all your demons in a very trying year, be proud of yourself because I am so proud of you."
"Thanks, but… getting rid of my demons may have costed me Bren for good."
"I thought you were feeling confident? Since you've come home these last five weeks you guy's spend most days together, talk, laugh, you are back supporting each other. Considering how little you saw each other the months before we left for Hawaii I would think you'd be very positive about this change."
"My Doctor thinks Bren's not talking about France because she is putting a wall up, telling me I'm not allowed in that part of her life anymore. Brandon even thinks I should start dating. I'm just, I'm trying to be healthy and people are starting to think that me being so attached to her is not healthy… I came back respecting her position saying friendship would be enough, but I can't help it. I want more Mum I'm hoping for more. What happens if I'm never going to get that? When does rushing to parties and airports, spending weeks sourcing a necklace, when do I start to think that my love of college is only there because she is there… when do I start to see this as starting to be another unhealthy thing for me?"
"Darling, I can't answer that, and I couldn't answer that when Brenda asked it of me after your walk on the beach before the summer. After she found out about Jim's threat the one that pushed you off the edge. Your father and I loved each other at one stage, we were together for nearly a decade and for a large proportion of that we were blissfully happy, but I told you things can posion that. We got tainted, infected and it ate away our connection. Jim, that summer, Kelly, the lie's- it infected you both. You've both tasted what that poison feels like, and is not a shock that you both are fearing it now, fearing what it can turn you into. I guess the question you have to ask though, is if you are going to let that fear make you accept less for yourself. Are you willing to walk away from the hope that you can both get past that?" Is there hope still?
She stands and squeezes my shoulder, "Darling I'm going to let you in on something I wish your father and I had known. The only cure for the poison is each other, forgiving each other and yourselves. Your father turned into a monster not trusting anyone including his own son, I turned into a recluse not wanting anyone too close. That poison lived in us long after it killed our relationship, I think if we had found forgiveness it wouldn't have been so fatal."
When she's almost to the doorway of the hallway I speak, "have you told that to Bren?"
"I don't need to. Our intuitive Scorp is starting to figure that out on her own."