Chapter Ninety-Three
Years—decades—was what it felt like to Lorna as she sat at that table staring nervously onto the tray of food in front of her. Hands still held around the half-piece of banana which she had picked up whenever it was that Franny had requested her to. In her mind it felt as though an eternity had come and gone since then but it really only had been an hour. Or two at the tops. Never once did she release the banana from her grasp or move her stare from the tray. Franny had tried to coax her focus away but failed numerous times.
It hadn't been until Nicky finally showed up that Lorna's attention had successfully been shifted away from the tray as well as the banana in her hand. The banana remained held in her hand but her eyes had long averted up across the table to see who the culprit of the squealing chair was. Lips naturally melded into a small smile to see it was Nicky who had been the cause of such a sound. She swallowed down a wad of saliva, shifting the positioning of her legs underneath the table so that one covered over the other.
Situating herself in the chair across from Lorna, Nicky felt her chest tighten at the sight of having seen how shaky and apprehensive she was over the food in her hand along with on the tray in front of her. She watched from afar for several minutes before finally deciding on joining her at the table. A sigh escaped from her as she gently reached a hand across the table to rest softly on one of Lorna's cheeks. Fingers stroked along its length in a tender up and down motion.
Once Lorna's eyes were gazing back into her own, she felt her lips twitch into a sad smile. "Hey, baby," her voice murmured, barely above the volume of a whisper. The tips of her fingers remained caressing along her cheek all the while her eyes searched methodically over Lorna's face and body. It wasn't very often she received a phone call from her girlfriend's sister and when she did, she knew that meant something odd was up. Clearly, her instincts were right this time.
Her chest ached tremendously knowing how deeply Lorna was struggling right now. How she had been sat in that same spot for merely two hours with a half piece of browning banana in her hand. Nicky couldn't imagine what it was like to live in Lorna's shoes let alone her world. Certainly that couldn't be an easy life to live. In fact she knew it wasn't at all an easy life to live. Lorna had been through more things in four years than most people even went through in one lifetime.
"Have you taken a bite of the banana yet, kid? It's okay, you can be honest with me. I won't judge ya," Nicky lovingly reassured her, moving her thumb up towards her forehead where a loose strand of brown hair caught her eye. Gently, she stroked it away with her thumb and inched her face even closer to Lorna's so that their foreheads pressed softly together. The close proximity made it natural for her lips to touch against the flesh of the tip of Lorna's nose.
Lorna felt her mouth moisten with saliva and she had a hard time swallowing it all down at once. The coating was so thick she almost choked on her own damn spit. And just the thought of what almost occurred made a laugh become stifled by her hand covering over her mouth. Which proved to be a challenging task since her face was basically touching onto Nicky's. God, she thought, she really was the most fucked up person she knew. So fucked up that she could choke on saliva that her own mouth created.
But she couldn't stay in her mind for much longer. Nicky's eyes were searing into her with such an overwhelming amount of compassion Lorna was positive her body might turn into a puddle of mush right then and there. Nicky had quite the power over her—a power she was sure Nicky had no idea she even had. Air exhaled sharply from her lungs as she gradually forced herself out of her head. "I don't think I have, Nicky. I don't know, I just been sittin' here for years it feels like. Franny tried to make me eat it but I don't want to. I'm not afraid of eating it I just don't wanna eat it," she finally voiced a response out of a heavily shaky mouth.
The disclosure rapidly tightened Nicky's chest even further than it already happened to be. She brushed her lips once more onto the tip of Lorna's nose and then moved them to a cheek where she noticed a lonesome tear streaming along. Eyes softened with an even stronger compassion upon seeing the sight; she let her lips softly press onto the warm flesh. "I understand, doll. But it's okay if you are afraid of eating it, you don't have to pretend you aren't if you are. You can be honest with me. I'm here to support ya through this, baby, but I need ya to tell me the truth. Is the reason you don't wanna eat the banana because you're scared to?"
"No, no, course' uh course' not." The words sputtered from her and even Lorna could see that she was lying. Tears refused to stay inside her eyelids and instead continued flowing from her eyes. She sucked in her lower lip and folded her arms over her chest. "I, uh, I don't know. I don't know, Nicky."
Nicky tilted her head but kept her hand cradled around Lorna's cheek. Palm stroking softly up and down the length of it in the hopes of bringing some form of comfort to her. "What don't you know, Lorn? What's wrong? What's making this hard for ya right now?" Lips pressed onto the corner of Lorna's mouth over and over in a warm fashion. With their lips merely micrometers apart it didn't take much for Nicky's to feel the vibration of Lorna's trembling ones.
The sensation only escalated the pang sitting in Nicky's chest. She couldn't just sit there across from her blatantly shaking and distressed girlfriend any longer. Releasing her hands from Lorna's face, Nicky slowly pulled back her head from hers and pushed herself up from the chair she'd been sat on for the past several minutes. She walked over to the other side of the table where Lorna sat and threw her arms securely around her waist, inadvertently pulling her up from her own chair and properly into her arms.
Lips found their way onto the top of her head, pressing down on it in a tender kiss. Hands were brought up to the top of it right beside where she just pressed a kiss to and lovingly massaged her fingers into the scalp of Lorna's head. "It's okay, doll," her voice murmured softly, fingers stroking tenderly along each side of her scalp. She moved them around in a slow, circular, pattern in the hopes of lulling her even closer. "How about I take ya back to my place, yeah? Where we can get some privacy and talk about what's upsetting you more."
Lorna's head slowly bobbed up and down against the other's shoulder. She could barely form words to respond with right then, her mind too occupied on trying to keep her tears from turning into anything more. Getting out of the public coffee shop was definitely in her best interest, she mentally rationalized. She couldn't retain her emotions for much longer. It was proving to be too much of a challenge, too much of a hassle.
Only a twenty minute car ride it was from the coffee house to Nicky's place with Red. And it was only a matter of minutes from exiting the car until the two of them were entering in through the doorway leading into Nicky's bedroom. With her arms wrapped firmly around Lorna's waist, Nicky gently led her to the bed and pulled her down onto it alongside her. The entire car ride had been eerily quiet albeit a few softened sniffles that came from Lorna's windpipe. Her hand never once let go of the younger one's.
Even now as the pair were cuddled up on the mattress of Nicky's bed, she could effortlessly tell that something was seriously weighing on the younger girl's mind. She felt her breath get caught in her throat multiple times as she turned onto her side and took Lorna's face in her warm hands. Fingers brushed softly along each of her cheeks. "What's wrong, my baby? You've been off since I seen ya first thing at the coffee shop," her lips pressed tenderly over the rim of one of Lorna's ears. The words were soothingly spoken into it as she curled a loose strand of hair behind it.
"Is it really messed up that a fucking little half of a banana terrifies me to death? I mean just—just holding it made me feel real guilty, Nicky."
Lorna buried her face in the corner of Nicky's shoulder right where it met with the side of her jaw and cheek. She refused to see the expression that was likely etched on Nicky's face now upon her disclosure. Disgust or shame most likely. Who the hell wouldn't be disgusted by Lorna? The query popped through her mind.
Arms cradled delicately around Lorna's body, pulling her even closer. One hand moved slightly to the left to grab the corner of the comforter and lifted it up to wrap around the both of them which only closened the proximity between she and Lorna. "Lorna, sweetheart, I mean it is messed up that you have to endure that kinda fear over something the rest of us don't even think second of…but that doesn't mean you're messed up. Okay? You're not, you're not messed up—you have a really bad eating disorder and you need help so you can one day not be so scared of a piece of fruit. That's not a bad thing to admit, doll. Needing help isn't bad. Say it," Nicky pleaded, using her fingers to draw soft circles sporadically around Lorna's spine.
Needing help wasn't bad? Lorna felt her forehead form creased lines atop it. She scrunched her face as the words repeated through her mind. It was a difficult statement for her to grasp. For her to grasp and come to terms with. If that were the truth, why—for the past few years—had both her father and uncle threatened her that if she even thought of telling anyone about anything either one of them did to her they'd make sure she regretted it? Help wasn't a good thing, she thought. Not even a little bit. Asking for her help meant she was weak. Very fucking weak. Fuck, she didn't even need to ask for help to be considered weak. She was just weak. Born weak.
Maybe the broken condom her father used for which resulted in her being conceived was the reason she was so weak. She was a broken condom mistake of a child. That had to be the true reason for all the misfortunes in her life. If she hadn't have been born from the brokenness of her father's condom, she wouldn't have led a life full of so much fucking hardship. But now was way too late to change any of that—there wasn't anything she could do to go back and prevent herself from being conceived.
A sighed huffed out of her as she snuggled closer to the warmth radiating off of Nicky's body. At least with Nicky she always felt so safe and unbelievably loved. A love she didn't believe she was deserving of. Why should a person like her receive such a plethora of warmth and compassion from a person so beautiful like her sweet Nicky? Her face nuzzled its way into the crook of the older girl's neck, hands wrapping softly around the surrounding area. She would never have an explanation for any of her questions, not any that made sense to her ar least.
"What? What, uh, what do ya want me to say? I can't. I can't say something I know ain't true, hon," Lorna spoke no louder than a whisper after finally finding the will to push herself out of her incessant thoughts. This wasn't supposed to turn into an argument, she silently reminded herself, but she couldn't agree with anything that was said to her by her girlfriend. Not that she thought Nicky was a liar—she certainly hadn't believed that to be true—but rather because she couldn't accept that she, Lorna Morello, was in need of help outside of herself.
Brushing her knuckles lightly up and down the flesh of her cheek, Nicky felt her throat tighten a smidge. Her head turned slightly so that her lips were lingering right above the top of Lorna's; she inched them closer until they were pressing onto the scalp of it, naturally pecking a soft kiss onto the hair covered flesh. "I want ya to just say that it's okay to admit you need help, kid. You don't have to deal with this on your own anymore, I promise. I'm here for you and I want to help. Why are you scared of letting me help you?" She kept her tone soft as to make sure Lorna knew she wasn't trying to get under her skin. All she wanted was to be there for her, to support and love her through what she was going through. But trying to convince Lorna of that was about as easy as trying to figure out the equations in her algebra class.
"I'm not scared of nothin', hon. I just—I don't—I can't accept help from anyone, okay? It's not you, I promise. I just I can't accept any help at all," Lorna fumbled out her response, keeping her face hidden inside the crook of Nicky's neck.
That was the only answer she felt was right to give at that particular moment. It was more of the truth than she had ever been willing to admit to before. She knew, on some level, that what Nicky commented was true of herself. There was a part of her which was utterly terrified over the thought of allowing others to help her. Not because she thought the people who loved her would end up hurting her but rather she didn't want to be overcome with even more enormous amounts of guilt. The guilt such a decision would leave her with was almost too overwhelming to just let her mind ponder about—it would be more than she could handle and eventually lead her towards more destructive behaviors. Possibly lead to her death even quicker than what she was currently partaking in.
A noisy breath squeaked through Nicky's windpipe. Fingers caressed warmly around Lorna's face as her hand that remained wrapped around her waist lovingly pulled her closer to the front of her own body. The more Lorna revealed to her the heavier her chest grew. Her heart ached deeply for every ounce of pain her girlfriend suffered through. Each time Lorna made a comment about how she needn't any help or whether she felt help wasn't something she deserved Nicky sensed another piece of her heart dissolving away. She longed for there to be a way she could convince Lorna of otherwise, make her see that she was indeed deserving of having the support and love of the people around her but she had no clue how to properly do that.
It appeared to her as if they were constantly talking their way in circles. One step forward was really three steps backwards. At least that's how Nicky saw it. Any time the pair of them made any bit of progress a new obstacle was set in their path. Nicky couldn't wrap her mind around it—couldn't figure out why the universe had such a pleasurable time making Lorna's existence so fucking taxing. In her eyes, Lorna was nothing short of an angel. An angel who certainly wasn't deserving of all the trauma the universe fucking gave her.
On top of that, the universe gave Lorna her only to keep Lorna in the continuous looping thought that she wasn't good enough for her. Lorna got one positive shining light in her life and the universe made sure that she wasn't able to fully enjoy it. Nicky shook her head with gritted teeth. The universe was an evil entity. To do that to someone as loving, as sweet, as fucking pure as Lorna—evil was the only descriptor Nicky could think of to appropriately describe the universes' essence.
Lips stroked over the rim of one of Lorna's ears, "And why can't you accept help from anyone? What's the reason for that, babe? It's not like I and everyone else who cares about you don't want to help. We all do. But we don't know how to help you because you won't let us. Please talk to me and tell me why you think ya can't accept our help."
Lorna's eyes innately closed shut from the soothing strokes Nicky's fingers were providing the flesh of her ear with. Her chest moved up as a deep breath came in through her slightly open mouth. The words refused to come to her upon hearing Nicky's small interrogation. She couldn't respond to it as easily as she wished she had the ability to. Nothing was ever easy for her, she thought with a frustrated swallow. One hand raised up to her face and pressed roughly into the flesh of her own cheek. Why couldn't she just be like everyone else she knew? Fucking normal. Was the broken condom also the reason she was so—so fucking the opposite of normal?
"I—I know that, hon. I just, I don't know. I can't accept your help. Just, uh, just let it go please."
Pulling her closer, Nicky took both sides of Lorna's face into her hands and pressed her forehead overtop of hers. Lips kissed delicately against the tip of the younger girl's nose while her thumbs caressed around the flesh of each cheek they rested on. "I'm not letting this go, doll. I'm worried about you—your sister's worried about ya. Please talk to me; tell me what's going on in your mind right now, baby. Let me be here for you," her voice all but pleaded. She couldn't continue to sit back and watch the nonstop spiral of the one person she loved with every last fiber of her being.
Lorna swallowed down a lump that had formed in her throat and sighed. She tried to move herself from Nicky's arms but the hold on her was too strong and her body felt rather fatigued to try to cooperate with her. So, she gave up and allowed her body to relax against the warmth of Nicky; she sensed Nicky's chin nuzzling atop her head and breathed out a contented breath. "The doctor thinks I am not good to be going back to school, Nicky. Can ya believe that?"
Running her thumb up and down Lorna's cheek, Nicky nodded her head slowly against hers. There wasn't anything she believed more than what her girlfriend's doctor had probably mentioned to her. Lorna certainly wasn't ready to be attending school every day not in the condition she happened to currently be in. But, of course, she had an inkling the brunette wouldn't feel the same way regarding such matter. Lorna was too stubborn to see things the way they truly were.
"I would have to agree with her, Lorn," Nicky softly started out. Mouth warmly hovering above Lorna's ear, breath trickling out and causing the skin on its rim to lightly become covered in faint goosebumps. The vision immediately had her fingers moving towards it, stroking along the edge once they were in the vicinity of said ear. "You have so much shit going on right now and you're in such bad shape health wise, how the hell are ya able to handle going to school on top of all that, yeah? Your doctor is a wise lady and you needa listen to her, doll. Don't fucking overdo things you'll end up hurting yourself."
"Course' you'd take her side over mine," the younger teen scoffed and turned her head so that Nicky couldn't see her face.
Even her own girlfriend appeared to be against her on everything, she thought. Why the fuck did they all think she couldn't handle going to school so suddenly? Fuck, she breathed, before any of them even knew about her issues with food she was perfectly fine attending school while starving herself in peace. She sure wished she was able to go back in time when none of her loved ones had any knowledge of the rituals she established. When she could keep it all locked up persay and not have to feel guilty every second of every day in regards to how her behaviors were effecting the people she loved. The people she loved who were innocent in all of this and shouldn't have had to be put through the agony of watching her slowly take her own life one meal refusal at a time.
Shaking her head sadly, Nicky inhaled a sharp breath and secured her arms even tighter around Lorna's waist. She let her front press firmer against the front of the other's. "Babe, I'm not taking sides. Your doctor wouldn't say what she said if it weren't the truth. What else did she say at your appointment? Tell me everything, kid. Maybe you're interpreting it wrong, yeah?"
Hands were tempted to fling in the air to display out her frustration but were unable to from the way they were positioned tucked under the strong grasp of Nicky's arms around them. The more she tried to fight her way out of her girlfriend's arms the more secure they were wrapped around her body. It easily brought a comforting, lulling, sensation over Lorna but she couldn't allow herself to relax into such a soft embrace. Her self-loathing refused to accept that she would ever be worthy of such warm affection. The haunting memories of her uncle were reason enough to not accept anything the opposite of that.
"She just kept sayin' somethin' bout my blood work, I don't know. I told her I feel fine but she insists there's something off with my potassium—I saw for myself and there's nothing wrong. She's just making a big deal over nothin'."
"Lorna, if there's something wrong with your blood work then I can guarantee ya the doctor isn't just making shit up. What's wrong with your potassium, doll? Is that why Franny was having you eat the banana?" Nicky did her best to keep her tone at the same soft level it had been but hearing how Lorna continuously tried to make it out as if everything that was being said by her doctor was all embellished made that task quite the challenge.
She couldn't understand why Lorna thought the way she had—why Lorna would even consider her own doctor would tell her these things just to make her life even more difficult. When it was clear to her and probably anyone else who had been there that the only real reason the doctor was making these recommendations was out of concern for her health as well as well-being. Air huffed out of her as she nuzzled closer to the smaller girl, kissing her head affectionately.
"But Nicky I looked at the paper she had and it was literally only off by fifty numbers. That's not even that much so I don't understand why she had to make such a damn fuss over it," Lorna muttered out. Irritation was clearly evident in her voice—easy for anyone to pick up on with how it blatantly inflected itself outward.
Stroking her thumb over and over the corner of Lorna's temple, a frown shaped onto Nicky's face. The ache in her chest sharpened each time she heard Lorna's responses to her questions. How little Lorna cared about herself and her health broke Nicky's heart more than she could ever possibly explain. She couldn't fathom the shit Lorna had gone through to make her feel as unworthy and underserving of anyone's care as she so deeply—rather apparently—had now.
Eyes squinted while peering right into those of Lorna's. "That's a lotta numbers for it to be off, doll. I mean that's your health we're talkin' about," her voice sternly pointed out, eyebrows moving up accordingly to each word. The proximity between them grew tighter with less empty space in their way. Nicky traced her thumb soothingly around the flesh above each of Lorna's eyebrows. "Your health isn't something to mess around with, kid. So if the doctor is concerned with the results, we need to be too. Because I'm not about to let anything happen to you."
Air slid its way from Lorna's throat. Why did everyone think something bad was going to happen to her over a measly little difference in numbers such as the results hers showed? It was absurd to think so, she merely rationalized. She hadn't even been aware of her health in months and nothing out of the ordinary occurred so she highly doubted a small discrepancy in the result of her potassium levels would seriously affect her in any noticeable way.
Hell she was doing perfectly fine before it came to fruition about her 'starving' tendencies. The only reason it ever came to light in the first place, she knew, was all thanks to fucking Annalisa. If Annalisa hadn't shoved her head in that damn toilet bowl the chances Lorna would be in the situation she was now was slim to none. More than anything did Lorna desire to have the capability of going back in time and stopping that event from happening at all. Her life would be a whole lot simpler right now if she were to do that.
But, as she exhaled a deep breath, it was too late for her desire to be met. As of right now there wasn't such a thing as traveling back in time. An unfortune that was, she thought. Life could be much different if traveling backwards was a real thing. Another sigh came out of her. She situated herself in Nicky's arms so that her head was lifted up and eyes were facing right onto her face. A smile pursed from the forcefulness of her lips. "Hon, I'm fine. Really, I am. I've been fine, the results don't change that. But if it makes ya feel better I made a compromise with my doctor," Lorna commented while tracing her index finger delicately around the bottom of Nicky's lower lip.
Shaking her head, Nicky huffed out a breath but said nothing on the matter. She had no desire to start an argument right at that point in time. Instead, she continued massaging her fingers around the flesh of Lorna's temples and forehead. Mouth stroked a warm kiss onto the middle of it. "What kinda compromise did ya make, kid? I hope it's not one that'll end up hurtin' ya in the long run," the volume of her voice slightly faded out with the last sentence she spoke out loud. Her eyes peered lovingly, yet with a firmness, down at the younger teen.
"She said I can go a couple days a week to school just as long as I check in with the nurse," Lorna informed her though gave a small eye roll along with the last portion. As if she needed to be kept tabs on by anyone. There was nothing—absolutely nothing—wrong with her, not physically, not mentally and certainly not medically. At least not anything that would have an impact on her during the school day.
Frustration seized through her body. She'd been participating in her normal everyday activities while also coping with her—what others deemed—self-destructive behaviors for years now and not once did she have any adverse side effects from it. Now, just because people found out, all of a sudden she was believed to be some frail fucking child. Some frail fucking child who apparently needed babysat constantly wherever the hell she went. Nobody fucking trusted her was what it seemed like to Lorna.
And it was truly waring her thin to know not a single person she cared about trusted in her. She shook her head and clung her teeth loudly together. "I agreed to it but what she doesn't know won't do any harm—"
"Lorna, I will not let ya do anything stupid. If your doctor said ya gotta check in with Red if ya wanna go to school then ya damn well better know I'm gonna make sure ya do. And I will tell your doctor myself if ya skimp out on any of what she requested of you," Nicky sternly interjected, exasperated lines creased onto her forehead as she gave a hard stare to Lorna.
Crossing her arms defiantly over her chest, Lorna stared back with matching ferocity emanating from her brown eyes. "Yeah? How ya gonna do that, hon? We're not in the same classes and I don't think ya should skip yours just to make sure I'm following the doctor's demands."
Nicky's throat cleared upon bringing Lorna's head down to rest softly on her chest. It was easily sensible to her how continually edgy Lorna was getting. Her approach softened with a more secure embrace and gentle kiss atop her head. "Look I want you to be able to come, too, so I'll find a way to make sure you're doing what ya need, doll."