Chapter Ninety-Four
"What are these, ma?" Nicky quirked an eyebrow up at Red while flipping through the stapled papers she held tightly in her hands. The shuffling of the packet she held naturally brought about a soothing sensation within her. She breathed a contented breath waiting for a response from her surrogate mother.
Despite it being late evening Red went over to her coffee pot which had just finished brewing its last droplet of liquid into the vessel and grabbed it from underneath the filter. She carried it to the table where Nicky was seated and poured the coffee into the empty mug in front of her then did the same to the mug on the surface right by the spot she had previously been sitting at. After, she quickly went to return the pot back under the filter of the coffee machine before rejoining Nicky at the kitchen table.
A smile easily shaped onto her face as she grasped a hand around the handle of her mug, bringing it to her lips for a savoring sip. Once the warm liquid was swallowed down Red replaced the mug on the table's surface while refocusing her gaze on the redhead teenager across from her. The smile on her face remained there throughout the entire ordeal. She lifted a hand up and motioned it at Nicky, gesturing silently for her to give her possession of the stack of papers.
Nicky quickly abided by the hand waving and reached across the table to hand the packet to Mrs. Reznikov. Eyebrows still arched ponderously over her eyes. What could those papers be hiding? Her mind floated with differing queries. The smile on Red's face helped her to conclude the reason was at least of an optimistic nature otherwise Red wouldn't be smiling as hugely as she currently was.
The papers were flipped until Red found the page that held what she wanted to specifically show Nicky. She creased the top corner of it in order to stop the other pages from falling back on top of that one. Satisfied, Red turned it around and gestured her pointer finger at a particular spot on the page. Eyes were wide as they peered across the table at Nicky, the smile on her face only doubling in size to correspond with the enthusiasm being displayed by the way her finger wagged itself at the piece of paper in her hand.
Scrunching her face slightly, Nicky placed her hands on either side of the packet being held in front of her and used her thumb to guide where her eyes focused. The back of her throat thickened with moisture the closer she looked the paper over. By the time she read through to where Red had directed her to she felt her entire body become stiffened. Cheeks suddenly grew damp and that was when it was brought to her attention that she was crying. Or, at the minimum, she had tears leaking from the lids of her eyes down along the flesh of her face.
It was a challenge to read anymore with how cloudy her vision now happened to be from the amount of tears soaking through her eyes. She could hardly breathe from how heavy her chest felt. The heaviness was of a warm, affectionate, nature no doubt. Her mind still tried to wrap itself around the words her eyes just read; she couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe Red would do something so overwhelmingly heartwarming for her. For fucking her—Nicky Nichols—of all damn fucking people.
A snuffle sounded through her nose. Nicky reached an arm up and used the sleeve of her shirt to wipe away at her tears which soaked into the skin right below her bottom lip. The gesture made her heart soar so heavily, so strongly. She released her hands from the paper and plunged herself at record speed from the chair her behind had been engraved upon. Within a matter of seconds she was on the other side of the table with her arms throwing themselves desperately around Red's neck in the tightest embrace she could possibly muster up.
Lips pressed a soft kiss onto her surrogate mother's cheek as her eyes tearfully peered up at her, "How long ago did you apply for this, ma? I can't, I don't, words can't form right now. I—I'm speechless." Nicky stammered over each one, still in awe at what she'd just read from the packet Red had gestured for her to.
The embrace was happily returned by Red who snaked both of her arms securely around her now legal surrogate daughter's body. One arm cradled around her back while the other she used to cup around the crown of her head. Tears fell from her own eyes while she matched Nicky's gaze with one of her own. She leaned a bit forward so she could press a motherly kiss onto the flesh of Nicky's forehead. Her smile never once faltering from her face. "Well, honey, with what was going on with Lorna—I figured it might be a smart idea if I went ahead and tried to get legal guardianship over you so that we're not ever in that same situation."
"God, ma, I love you so much," the words trickled out between a few boisterous sniffles. Nicky cleared her throat and leaned closer until her head naturally fell into the crook of her surrogate mother's neck. Tears continued to plague her but she didn't care too much at that point. She was overcome with emotions to really have the energy to stop the tears. "How, uh, how did it go through so fast for you though? I mean I'm not complaining at all—I'm beyond touched that you would do this, ma, but I'm just curious since Lorna's sister is still waiting for her guardianship to be granted."
Nodding her head attentively, Red squeezed her tighter and then released her just enough to be able to frame both of her hands lovingly around Nicky's cheeks. "That's because Lorna is already in the foster system so it takes a lot longer. And since I got the okay from Marka—"
"You spoke to Marka?" Breath all but hitched in Nicky's throat.
The tears increased immediately upon witnessing the nodding of Red's head in response to the query she had directed towards her. Once again her heart was touched on a level she had never expected it to be—she never imagined she'd end up having a maternal figure in her life who cared for as fiercely as Red had. Red was much more suited to be a mother than her own could ever even dream to be. An airy breath rose up from her lungs and escaped out through her half opened mouth.
Brushing her hands tenderly through the thick strands of Nicky's red curls, Mrs. Reznikov smiled and gave a butterfly kiss to the top of her head. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do for the young teen who was now legally hers to take care of and mother. Mother her the way her own mother had no ability to—the way her own mother had not even the tiniest clue or knowledge of how to. An identical breath made the journey through her lungs and out through her nose.
It was a gift she was given with Nicky. As if Nicky was the daughter she once had inside her womb but hadn't survived beyond infancy. The possibility that Nicky was the reincarnation of her own daughter made this approval of legal guardianship that much more special to Red. Of course she would keep the thought to herself she determined. But the thought was enough, on its own, to send a rush of warmth throughout the entirety of Red's body. The universe made a mistake with who they gave Nicky to, she told herself, Nicky was meant to be hers. To be with her where she would be properly taken care of and loved rather than treated as if she didn't exist. Or existed but treated as if she were a nuisance instead of a child who needed affection and guidance.
Those were all things Nicky would never have to worry about now that she was legally under the care of Red. No more wondering if she were worthy of her mother's affection or if she lived up to any particular standards. No, now she was permanently in the house with Red and would not ever have to worry about any of that changing. Red sighed a breath of relief. She wouldn't have to worry about that either, she realized. Nicky was truly hers now. Tears fell faster from her blue eyes as her lips widened in their smile that still had yet to fade away. Life was finally working out for the two of them in a positive manner.
"I figured talking to her might make this whole thing go faster and it did. So I'm glad I thought to reach out to her. But I'm also glad we don't have to deal with her ever again—that Marka is something else. And not a good somethin that's for damn sure," her voice firmly commented, growing firmer by the second.
She truly couldn't comprehend how Marka could speak the way she had about her own daughter, her child—a child she carried inside of her for nine months and birthed. Clearly, there were women who were not ever worthy of being given the gift of a precious child. A precious, beautiful, child just like her Nicky. Red shook her head harshly. Anger built inside of her the longer she let her mind wonder on the matter. It wasn't fair that people like Marka were given such a gift while on the flip side of the coin there were people such as herself who would give anything to have a healthy little girl and yet that miracle was quickly ripped away from her grasp.
Naturally, a snicker expelled from Nicky after hearing the last comment. She tightened her arms around Red's neck and nodded her head against it while closing her eyes for a few moments. It was hard to believe all that had happened in only the past twenty minutes. It felt way too good, way too fucking perfect to be true. To actually have happened in the first place. But it was actually real, she finally accepted, and once more tears resumed falling along her cheeks.
She couldn't have been more grateful to have Red if she tried. There were no words, no amount of thanks, that would ever be enough to show her gratitude towards Red for what heartwarming thing she had done for her by going and getting guardianship of her. Certainly, that hadn't been anything Nicky ever imagined a person like her would be deserving of. A loud mouth teenager such as herself wasn't the poster child for a kindhearted woman such as Red. But, yet, regardless Red found her and chose her. And there was nothing Nicky could ever do to repay her for that choice.
"You really know how to leave me tongue tied yeah ma? I just, I don't know what to say. What did I do deserve a mom like you in my life? Seriously, it baffles me but…but I'm really glad I have you," her voice progressively softened throughout her spiel. It was the only way she could keep herself from verbally sobbing.
"Honey, all children deserve moms who want them and love them," Red sternly assured her, cradling both Nicky's cheeks in her hands. Thumbs stroked soothingly along the length of each one. A sniffle muffled its way out of her windpipe. Eyes caught sight of a loose strand of red hair and instantly one of her thumbs went towards it to lightly stroke it aside. "And I'll tell ya right now, I'll always love and want you here. You may not be my blood but you are my daughter, Nicky. I love you now and until I take my very last breath."
A sigh made its way through Nicky's throat as she sat staring off into space during her math class the very next afternoon at school. Her heart still was bursting at the knowledge Red was legally and officially her guardian. That hadn't even been a conversation the two of them discussed at all the entire time she'd been living with her. The gesture continually had tears leaking every so often from her eyes—her adoration for the Russian matron only grew stronger and stronger now the longer her mind lingered over the whole ordeal.
Consumed heavily with her thoughts, her feelings, Nicky didn't notice anyone's presence in front of her until she felt a hand gently tap onto the top of her head. Attention was instantly brought forth from her mind and onto the culprit of such a sensation against her scalp. Naturally her lips curved their way up into smile to see it was Lorna hovering in front of her—half turned around in the chair of the desk right in front of her own. Nicky chuckled and reached a hand across to poke playfully at one of her cheeks.
"Hey, kid. Fancy meetin' you here, yeah?" The comment caused a matching snicker out of Lorna which only strengthened the warmth through Nicky's body as she caressed her thumb lightly along the cheek her hand remained touching around.
Having been rather preoccupied observing her redhead girlfriend for the last fifteen minutes of class, it wasn't hard for Lorna to see there was something amiss with her. She couldn't figure out whether it was a good or problematic amiss but nonetheless her concern stayed intact. Her hand copied the movement of Nicky's, reaching out and framing its palm softly onto the flesh of her cheek. Slowly and gently Lorna moved her palm around the surrounding region hoping to bring some comfort to the other.
Though Nicky's joking demeanor got a chuckle out of her, Lorna rapidly fixed her expression back into a more serious one. Eyes gazed fiercely ahead into Nicky's trying to read them the best they could. Tear stains were quick to be picked up on which only increased the worry Lorna was already experiencing towards her girlfriend. A sigh moved its way through her lungs and out of her mouth. Now it was her turn to take care of Nicky, to question her until she became aware of the problem seemingly taking some kind of a toll on her.
"Have you been cryin', hon?" Lorna queried, eyebrows arched concerningly above each of her eyes that stared intensely onto the face of girlfriend. She traced her thumb all the way from its spot on her cheek up towards to the corner of one of her brown eyes where a tear was easily observed by her own. The thumb delicately wiped it away and then stroked around the flesh below in a tender manner. Concern strengthened with each second that passed by.
Nicky swallowed thickly at that. Now, sitting there with Lorna turned around and focused on her, she felt her chest tighten along with a knot molding into the pit of her stomach. She didn't know whether to share the news with her or not—knowing Lorna and her sister still had yet to even hear anything on their legal guardianship and yet, here she was with Red now her appointed guardian. The guilt was immense. She didn't want to cause any tension between the pair of them but she also wasn't fond of keeping secrets from Lorna.
She sighed, reaching a hand up and covering it over to the smaller one resting on her cheek. Her thumb delicately caressed around Lorna's knuckles while their eyes melded together. "I'll tell ya during lunch, okay? We'll go in one a the bathroom's and talk, how's that? It'd be more private so we wouldn't have to worry about anyone eavesdropping," Nicky pointed out, shoulders bouncing up as she spoke.
Lorna nodded and gave one last pat to her cheek before reluctantly prying her focus back onto the chalkboard at the front of the room. She much rather spend the class with her attention on Nicky but knew she needed to actually listen to what the teacher was going on about. Her grades needed to be improved upon so she could graduate the same year Nicky did.
Lunch time arrived shortly after despite to both Lorna and Nicky feeling as though a couple of decades had passed between their math class and now. The two promptly arrived in their desired bathroom—one they knew wasn't as popular as the others—and made their way into the largest stall so there would be room for both of them to sit on the floor. Nicky leaned back so her spine was pressing onto the cold wall behind it and snaked her arms around Lorna once she felt her plop down right beside her.
Her arms naturally pulled Lorna onto her lap, securing themselves protectively around her petite waist. Air exhaled through the nostrils of her nose as she faintly swayed from one side to the other. The guilt grew a little heavier now with Lorna in her arms and their eyes merely looking into one another. Concern was easy to observe in Lorna's brown ones which only made the guilt feel even more daunting. She wondered if this guilt happened to be the same Lorna experienced when it came to food and eating. It was fucking suffocating, she thought with a shake of her head.
The tension wasn't difficult for Lorna to observe and feel. She frowned, lifting both of her hands and framing them around each one of Nicky's cheeks. Fingertips stroked around the length of both. "What's bothering you, honey? I was watching ya in math class and I saw ya cryin' a little. Is everything okay? Are you struggling with algebra too? Maybe we can work on the assignments together tonight, yeah?"
Instinctively a light-hearted chuckle sounded through Nicky's airway. Arms tightened around Lorna's waist while her lips pressed onto the top of her head. Her heart filled with warmth to hear Lorna's pure reasoning behind her own tears. And that purity only furthered the guilty knot in Nicky's stomach. She felt a sigh building up within her and reluctantly allowed it to flow outward. Despite the conflicting battle going on inside her head, she knew it was best to be completely open and honest with Lorna about the situation. If she ever wanted Lorna to do the same, she had to abide by that as well.
"Nah, it's not a negative explanation for why I mighta been cryin' a little. It's good, really good. And was very unexpected—I'm still tryna to understand it all and shit. But ya don't have to worry, kid," Nicky softly assured, pulling Lorna closer while running her hands delicately along the sides of Lorna's body.
The frown quickly morphed into a smile upon the disclosure the older teen shared. Worry and concerned faded into relief. Lorna twisted the position of her body so she was facing Nicky directly and replaced both of her hands lovingly around either side of her face. Fingers softly caressed along the flesh of each cheek. "Well, what is it then? And why do ya still look a bit down, hon? If it's a good thing you should smile," she murmured, her own smile dimming slightly when she noticed the twitch of a frown on the other's face.
Her face leaned closer to Nicky's and she naturally let her lips peck softly onto the tip of her nose. Eyes noticed a few loose strands of red curls falling over Nicky's and immediately Lorna raised a hand up to stroke them affectionately out of the way. "Whatever it is it must be real overwhelming if you're not able to smile, hon. Now ya gotta tell me for real."
"I mean yeah it's a bit overwhelming you could say," the older teen agreed, inching her face closer as well and allowing their foreheads to meld together as the pair so often found themselves doing. Air huffed out of her as she looked right into Lorna's brown eyes. "Yesterday, ma and I were having coffee and she handed me a packet of papers. She was way too excited about these papers and she showed me where to look on them…and to make the story short, kid, Red is legally my guardian now. I don't have to worry about Marka or Les tryna to take me away from her—not that they would even care to but it's nice to know they have no legal rights to me anymore."
"Nicky, that's really great news. I'm real happy for ya, hon, and you should be happy too. Why do ya sound so down though? This is a real good thing for you, honey," Lorna pressed another kiss to Nicky's nose while returning her gaze with a compassionate one of her own. It didn't take long before her eyes caught a glimpse of a few straggling tears running along Nicky's cheeks.
The disgruntled expression on Nicky's face had Lorna's chest deeply aching to understand the reason behind it. She resituated the pair of them so that she was the one holding Nicky against her front while her spinal cord pressed into the brick wall in back of it. Fingers combed their way soothingly through the thick strands of red hair cascading from Nicky's scalp. "What's making you cry, honey? Aren't you happy to have Red as your permanent guardian?" Her voice murmured directly into one of her ears where her lips were pressing onto the rim of.
A sleeve covered arm was brought up to her face and used to vastly wipe at the numerous tears which had snuck their way out. Nicky snuffled out a breath, wrapping her other arm around Lorna's upper body. Naturally, she let their bodies press into one another—needing the pressure for her own distress. Distress at the thought that she was getting with Red what Lorna desperately needed with Franny. And she hadn't even fucking done anything to make it happen. It just happened, on its own without her even needing to think once about it.
She sensed the tightening of Lorna's delicate arms around her waist and that alone was enough to make the guilt she felt a tad bit worse. It didn't feel fair that she was getting what her girlfriend had been obsessing over since the whole gun chasing debacle took place nearly an entire month ago now. Had the universe truly been that much against Lorna? That it would give the things she craved for to all the people around her? Nicky was beginning to believe so and she could only imagine Lorna must have been thinking the same. Of course, she knew, Lorna would never say that aloud to her. But it certainly wouldn't be a surprise to her if in secret Lorna felt the same way about the universe.
"I'm so happy Red's my guardian now, my official guardian but I just—I feel kinda bad, doll, I wasn't sure if I should tell ya because I know you and Franny are still waitin' to hear back about for yours and I didn't wanna upset you or make you feel bad—"
Lorna instantly secured her hold on Nicky and interjected her frantic speech with a tender kiss on the lips. When she moved their lips apart once more she cupped Nicky's entire face in her hands, looking her over with an overpowering amount of affection oozing from her brown eyes. She shook her head as a small frown molded from the corners of her mouth. The last thing she wanted was for Nicky to feel guilty over something that she was incredibly deserving of.
Thumbs caressed tiny circles around the flesh of each cheek she had a hand cradled around. She sighed softly, tilting her head as her stare was retained on Nicky the entire time. "Honey, I'm not upset that you have Red as your guardian just because I still gotta wait for Franny to get hers approved. Ya don't gotta be worried about that, Nicky, really. Please tell me ya haven't been feeling all guilty over this? Nicky?"
Instinctively, Nicky squeezed Lorna closer to her and dropped a warm kiss atop her head. Tears were too many for her to stop them from falling. They freely escaped out of her eyes while her chin rested itself onto one of Lorna's shoulders. "I mean I do feel a little guilty, doll. You've been waiting for so long for her to get it approved and I didn't even know ma was doing this. It's like the universe just loves to throw everything in your face, ya know? I don't want you to keep seeing things you want happening to everyone but you and then hurt yourself in private about it, yeah? I know how bad you want Franny to get guardianship of you and I just—I don't want this to upset you, kid."
"I'm not upset over this, Nicky. I'm happy for you, I really am—please stop feeling bad, you deserve this. I don't want ya feelin' guilty and shit, hon, you can't control what happens," Lorna told her, resting her cheek on the side of Nicky's head that was laying on her shoulder. Lips pressed onto the corner of her temple as she shut her eyes and exhaled a sigh.
The comment made it rather hard for Nicky to resist from allowing out a snicker. Lorna using the words she spoke to her against her took her slightly by surprise. Or rather had her wishing Lorna would see the irony in what she was telling her. Why couldn't Lorna ever say those things to herself? Why couldn't Lorna treat herself with the same compassion she treated her with? A sigh expelled from her lungs as she forced herself out of her spiraling mind. Now was not the time to be having a mental argument.
Instead, Nicky brought her focus back onto the very Lorna who currently sat cradling her and curved her lips in a frown. "Lorna, you're too fucking good for this corrupted planet. You deserve what you want, too, ya know that? And I swear to god I will make sure you get what you're after, I fucking mean it," the words spilled sternly from her mouth.
Shaking her head, Lorna lifted it and peered at the other with arched eyebrows. However, a light-hearted laugh sounded through her windpipe to alert Nicky she wasn't bothered by her. "Yeah? How ya gonna do that, hon?"
"I'll go to the damn courthouse myself and make them approve your sister's guardianship of you," Nicky responded in a matter-of-fact tone, shoulders recoiling along with it.
"Oh, honey, I wish it was that easy. But I doubt they'll listen to a teenager. I do, however, appreciate that you would do that for me. You're the sweetest girlfriend ever, Nicky. I love you and you needa come home with me after school—I have somethin' I wanna do for ya, hon."
The pair entered in through the door of Lorna's sister's apartment walking right into what sounded like a screaming match with how harshly the walls vibrated from forceful yelling piercing through a nearby room. Lorna immediately rolled her eyes and facepalmed herself as she dragged Nicky along to the kitchen. So much for her plans of doing something nice for Nicky, she irritatingly thought to herself. They entered the kitchen and Lorna quickly went to work at preparing a pot of coffee. The only thing she felt she could do with the blatant arguing happening just down the hall. An argument she curiously wondered what it was about.
Once the filter was placed inside the coffee maker along with a decent heaping of fresh ground beans, Lorna filled the water reservoir with enough to make four good cups. After replacing the pot back beneath the filter and flicking the switch on, she turned away and made her way over to the island counter using her hand to motion for Nicky to join her. It didn't take long for Nicky to follow suit and once she did so, Lorna reached a hand over to grab a hold of one of hers with.
"You okay, kid?" Nicky broke the silence when she felt the intensely tight squeeze Lorna's hand was giving her own. She turned her head to face her and felt her lips morph into a frown upon observing the slight trepidation seeping from her girlfriend's brown eyes. "Aw, doll, do ya want me to go see what the yelling's about?"
A smile pursed onto Lorna's face impulsively after she heard the offer the older teen made her; out of instinct she shook her head and squeezed the hand she held a little tighter. "I'm fine, hon. I just I wanted to make a nice Italian dinner for ya tonight but just hearing my sista shoutin' kinda ruined that for me. I'm sorry, hon. I really wanted to do something special for ya and I'm mad at myself for not havin' the energy to do it anymore," her voice tremored a faint amount as she tried to hold in the sniffles that were threatening to escape her.
Nicky saw the trembling of her lips and quickly jumped up from the stool she was sat on so she could walk the few inches over to where Lorna sat. Not a second longer went by before her arms were protectively encircling around Lorna's waist and pulling her up from her chair and up against Nicky's chest. Nicky pressed a warm kiss atop her head then let her chin rest on the same spot. "Baby, it's fine. Let's just have a cup of coffee and relax, yeah? Please don't be hard on yourself."