"I'd had that program running hours, 98.2% complete, and Gwen comes over and uses my computer to check her email because hers had crashed" Tosh rolled her eyes, "Course, that meant she crashed mine as well didn't it, I could've….." Tosh looked over to her friend who was completely glazed over, "Ianto Jones are you listening to a word I'm saying?"

Ianto blinked himself out of his thoughts, "Sorry Tosh. I was listening, I swear"

They'd left the hub for a spot of lunch, something they tried to do regularly whenever the rift allowed it. It was easy to get lost in the sea of big personalities in the team, so they always made sure they had time for their friendship. There was a quiet little café just off the Bay that Ianto had declared made coffee on par with his so that was their usual spot.

"What's up with you?" Tosh asked, "you're all over the place lately"

"I know" Ianto said wearily, "I feel… I dunno"

"You know you can talk to me"

"If I could put it into words I would" he muttered, twirling his fork through the remnants of his jacket potato absently.

"Is this the Jack vs Jenny saga?" Tosh smiled apologetically at Ianto's glare, "You know what I mean. You want both of them, right?"

"It's not that I want both of them" Ianto pouted, "That makes me sound petty"

"What is it then?" she asked around the last bite of her tuna salad. She had expected to have this conversation at some point, not that they'd never discussed it before of course. But they hadn't sat down together just the two of them since Jack's little confession over the cons, and she knew it wouldve been playing on Ianto's mind even when things were going well with Jenny. One of the best and worst things about him was his need to make the people around him happy at the detriment of himself.

"Its like there are two versions of me" Ianto said slowly, "There's the one I can see settling down with her, taking her to meet my family, getting married, couple of kids. Normal, boring 9-5 job that I leave at the door every evening. Growing old, dying comfy in my bed at 80"

"Sounds like a good life" Tosh mumbled quietly, "You could have that, if you wanted"

"Yeah but then there's this life. At Torchwood, where I don't know what'll happen one moment to the next, constantly ending up in the most ridiculous mess, probably not gonna live past 30. It's exhilarating, damaging, fucking insane and… and there's him".

"What is it about him?" Tosh asked, "I mean you were never… together, right?"

"I think that's it. The not knowing" Ianto sighed, "We came so close, even knowing that Jack doesn't do actual deep feelings I thought there was this… connection. And if it would've had the chance to become anything it could've been something… something. And I thought it was just me overthinking it, but now with everything that's been going on I don't know"

"But… and I'm just trying to play devil's advocate here… he left, and you moved on, Yan, whatever it could've been you have got something real now"

"That's what makes this so difficult. It's like comparing fantasy and reality, safety and adrenaline, and neither one can give me both. Jenny, on paper she's perfect, exactly who I should want for my life. And I can see it, I look at her and a big part of me wants that future. And then I look at him, and my head spins" he rubbed his eyes wearily, "And I'm sat here talking about two peoples lives as if it's a choice between chicken or fish at a restaurant"

Tosh smiled softly, "Give yourself more credit than that Ianto. The fact is you don't want to see anyone get hurt, if you didn't care about that you'd have made a decision already wouldn't you. Whatever decision you make will be the right one in the end, but neither option is going to be around forever" Ianto raised an eyebrow, and Tosh rolled her eyes before correcting herself, "Ok poor choice of words, but the point stands. You can't carry on like this if its making you unhappy"

"I know I have to decide, Tosh" Ianto sighed, "But I think when it comes down to it, I can't make both versions of myself work together. One way or another, I have to lose a part of my life"

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying…. if I choose Jenny, I have to leave Torchwood. Completely"